On The Seventh, Eighth? Seventh Day Of...

Everyone hum along, on the seventh day of Christmas my true love is still not known to me,eeeeeeee! I probably would have better luck finding a pear tree with a partridge hanging out in it. Continuing my posting until the twelve days are up. Oh yes after tonight most of the world will have bleached away any reminder that Christmas was only a week ago. .................................. Christmas cactus, many of us were given one of these little guys, an easy plant to keep actually. The trick is to have it bloom at Christmas time. Not hard to do, just a little attention to detail regarding daylight hours, watering etc. My mother was given one years ago, I don't know how old it is but probably before most current pop stars were born. The thing with this cactus is for years it blooms late. Like a drunken Santa that shows up shouting and ho ho hollering to a party after everyone has gone home, this little cactus bursts into flower.... at the end of January, even February once. While we enjoy the colour, a Christmas cactus in January or February is like a pumpkin in January or February, cool to see but out of place. ............................................... This year however I noticed little pink buds forming in November and there were many. I was thinking that they should be blooming right on time, people would think I have a green thumb, it would be natural Christmas decoration. However the buds began to quickly grow large, the blooms became erect pointing skyward, spurting forth colourful petals, but then after the big moment they began to go limp, shriveled and the plant returned to its unexciting self, with two weeks left until Christmas. Yes the Christmas cactus missed the holiday season again, only this time I think it suffered from premature ecaculation.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up!

Truth, stranger than fiction. Since I am off I decided to correct a little problem the phone company has created for my mother. They have put her name backwards in the phone directory, so for example if her name was Mary Murphy, it keeps coming out as Murphy Mary, oh and with a slight spelling mistake, like Murphy Mery. We filled out the forms, we have sent them in, we have done this numerous times. I called on Monday and asked for the simple reverse and to correct the spelling. When they went in to mom's file, the company had a complete meltdown, I think smoke started billowing out of the main computers somewhere. They didn't know what to do with her file, the problem is it's a simple plan that she has had since the house was built in 1952. No long-distance calling options, no internet, high-speed, low speed, WiFi, satellite tv nope none of that. "I'm sorry sir I can't change it," so on hold I go, back again but to her supervisor, nope he can't help me either, they could hook me up to a guy in India on top of a mountain somewhere but they can't change Murphy Mery to Mary Murphy. Finally after being passed around and around, they switched me to a completely different department, where I sat listening to the same piece of elevator music for an hour. You get suckered in to sitting there for an hour because you keep thinking that any second someone is going to come online and help you. It never happened, I gave up and hung up. Like some bad comedy sketch they couldn't do a simple name change, that is unbelievable. They have been trying so hard to update everything to be more efficient, that they have become efficiently useless. ........................................... I guess I should blog something Christmas-ish. We are going to have our Christmas on New Year's day so I am hoping for good weather. Anyone listening out there, enough with the snow, I am over it! In fact I learned that the day after New Year's day was called plow day, I guess after the farm folk partied for the twelve days of Christmas, it was back to work. Here in Canada it would apply to plowing snow, I got an unwanted jump on plow day, and cold toes day, stiff fingers day and frozen arse day.

On the fifth day of Christmas.....

I can still talk about Christmas if I want, my blog, my rules, besides I think I was told I have to keep the twelve days of Christmas. I think this is the fifth day, according to my math, we don't count Christmas eve if I remember correctly. We finally have snow, too late for Christmas but it's here. I think all the wishing for snow collided in one spot causing a snow dump that made us remember how much we hate that white crap! .......................... I have been torturing myself by watching the worst Christmas movies ever written, one of my local stations has been playing a movie nearly every night and I can't believe that these stories ever made it to production. I laugh and laugh at the predictability of these films, I even turn away for a while because I miss nothing. Tonight, the woman leaves her man at the moment the minister asks "do you take this man" she then runs down the street in her wedding dress, in the rain, meets an old school friend, who tells her he always had a crush on her and invites her back to his place, roll credits. Hahaha, ten year olds could write that, or am I being a b#$*ch.

Careless Drivers and Dangerous Mistakes.

Careless drivers, I hope you never meet one. Today while listening to the news, they ran a story about a guy doing 160 km on a 100 km highway, if that wasn't careless enough, he had taped a screen to his dashboard so that he could watch a movie while driving. Beyond stupid, I don't care if he hurts himself, it's some poor innocent person who always ends up paying for an idiot's mistake. .......'.................................... I wanted to blog about this because of something that happened last Wednesday. While driving to pick up some items, a small van suddenly lost control in front of me as it took a sharp corner. In a split second it crossed over a passing lane and into the oncoming lane, smashed into a guardrail and bounce back, which was lucky because if it broke through, it would have gone over a cliff and into a river. ............................................ Fortunately the young woman and baby in the back were not hurt. It was a miracle that there was no oncoming traffic at that moment. The side of the van was badly damaged, tires flat, rims crushed. The thing that upset me about this is she said that while driving, the baby started to fuss (kid was almost two) when she entered the curve at high speed, she turns around to see why the kid is squawking (it's what kids do) and so she loses control of the van. Let the kid whine, when you are entering a sharp turn, hang onto the flipping wheel! It was real life not a video game where you can put the console down. She kept rolling her eyes as if the accident inconvenienced her, the way she was on the cell made me wonder if maybe it wasn't the baby but rather texting and driving. The final straw for me was when she said that she has already been in three accidents this year, "but none of them were my fault", I wouldn't place a bet on that. .............................................. Later that evening, I realized everyone was in the right place at the right time. Meaning if some family was driving in the opposite lane, she would have hit them head on and it would have been disastrous, or if she hit the guardrail in a weak spot and plunged into the river, or if she met one of the many transport trucks that use the highway, or or or. It's the area I grew up in, it could have been someone I know. One careless moment on her part and people could have died. Even me, to have watched her baby get killed, innocent people on their way home get killed, it would be a memory that would haunt me at every Christmas. People are people and there is probably not much we can do about it, I just needed to get the thoughts out of my mind, they have been racing around and around all week, what if, what if.

Jumbled Holiday Thought.

Allow me to ramble, scattered all over like a toybox dumped out onto the floor. I am having a little Christmas withdrawal. I really hate the way every station, store and newspaper pushes and pushes Christmas from end of October to Christmas day, then suddenly it's like nothing ever happened. Just when it is time to be in a Christmas mood, everyone wants to talk about the end of the year or worse, back to work! Let the turkey cool before we jump to the next step, at least let everyone's drunk uncle/neighbour/brother-in-law sober up before taking down the decorations. ................................... Today we finally have snow, making it look more like the holiday season. I have enjoyed the last few days of our freak September in December weather, I did miss snow on Christmas eve, same thing happened last year, I hope this is not a trend. The drawback last year was it rained all the time, at least this year it was sunny. ....................................... Ok so movies, Miracle on 34th street is cute enough, if I have to pick an oldie but goodie, I like the original, it's funny and has that Christmas feeling. I think however for me personally I like A Christmas Story, I know the critics hate it but the film rings true for me, I feel very nostalgic when I watch it. If I had to pick something animated, Polar Express impressed me, it hints at that magical feeling of being a little kid who still believes, but also that sadness of leaving your childhood behind. ...................................... T.V. specials, hands down it is the Charlie Brown Christmas special, that puts me in the mood. For a lot of reasons but mainly because Christmas day at my grandparents was like a Charlie Brown Christmas, small town, rink across the street, kids all over the place, even a Snoopy in the living room. Sadly I don't get to see that special anymore, I don't have cable and the stations I get refuse to play it because of the passage Linus reads. Sad really, it's just a cartoon. Close second is the Grinch cartoon, I love a good villain, way more interesting. I am horrified by that awful Grinch movie with the "dumb" from dumb and dumber. That film should be destroyed never to be seen again, but that's just me. ............................................. I do have a favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night, but it has to be sung by someone with pipes, yes even Celine Dion or Josh Groban, it can't be Niel Young (lol) or most country singers, or all rappers, actually I think a prison sentence would be in order if a rapper tried it. There are not many new Christmas songs I like, I prefer mostly older ones. I can't recall any that I hate, sometimes a song just needs a different singer or change of style. These are all just my preferences, so of course that means I am totally right about everything and if you don't agree, then you are completely wrong. .......................................... Now like torn wrapping paper and discarded bows, I will clean up the Christmas theme and put it away until next year, cheers everyone, on towards the new year.

Boxing Day! It's Called Boxing Daaaaaay.

I had to post this title because soon I will no longer be allowed to use the term "boxing day". What..... you may be asking if I am losing my marbles, sadly the answer is not a joke, the province I live in at the moment has an absolute hate for the english language and works tirelessly to drive off and out any form of the use of it. Boxing day is now in their sites, they are going to try and ban the use and replace it with a government approved term. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. .............................................. Now that we made it through all the Christmas movies, music and t.v.specials, let the judging begin! I am not a person who believes that there is a "best movie" or "favorite song", that makes it to hard to discuss, too many good ones and, too many bad ones. ............................................ Again this year, they kept running It's a Wonderful Life, I know, I know it's a classic but I don't really like that movie. I find it drags on, after a while I forget where we are heading with the message. Everyone seems to be screaming all the time and at many points I fear for the safety of Mary, George Bailey's wife! Then there are the Home alone movies, number two came on one night, I haven't watched that in years. I watched in horror as a mobster executes his girlfriend with a machine gun for cheating on him. This is supposed to be a children's movie? I hope with all the recent tragedies that none of those families stumble on to that movie. On the cheesy side of movies, to save money the stations ran a steady stream of romance movies, common theme, girl getting married, girl meets guy, girl hates new guy, girl gets stuck somehow with new guy, girl falls in love with new guy, new guy is a free spirit, boyfriend is bad because he is more conservative in his thinking, girl dumps boyfriend just before/during wedding, runs off with flake to live happily ever after. However not before it starts to snow/place star on tree/group hug/lost dog comes home/stopped before getting on plane. Just once I want to see, stops wedding to run off with gay lover. Scrooge (A Christmas Carol) also played over and over, in many forms, I like the older version with Alistair Sim, and it has to be in the original black and white, none of this added colour, I think it detracts from the film. I used to hate that story as a child, it frightened the s#t out of me and I couldn't understand why they kept running it on Christmas. Moaning ghosts in chains, tiny Tim dying, grim reaper, being dragged into hell, yup nothing says Merry Christmas like those scenes. ............................................. Ok I will stop here, it's beautiful out so I want to take advantage of our extra fall. Tomorrow Christmas music, cartoons and movies that put me in the mood (the mood for Christmas that is). Try the chicken, I'm here all week, lol.

Christmas Day

Christmas Day, I don't think I ever posted on Christmas before, I am too lazy to look back so I will go by faulty memory. My Christmas plans changed when my supposedly fixed car decided to leave me at the mall. Bad timing but I'm not a huge Christmas fan so not a big deal for me. ............................................... Christmas Day, the one day of the year where everyone gathers together and ignores their family while playing on their phones! Hey so if you have people around you and you're reading this on Christmas day, then you really suck! Lol, put the stupid phone, laptop, iPad or whatever down and talk to the people around you! Now go have a Merry Christmas or else!

Merry Christmas.

Well here it is already, time flies so fast for me now, I can't believe that the 24th is here. With everyone probably carrying out plans, including myself, I would like to take this opportunity to wish a Merry Christmas to all, plus good health, happiness and love, love, love.

The Beginning to the end of Darkness.

The dragon spreads leathery wings and rises in its cave. Calling out in its thundering voice, "I am Darkness, I shall cover this land with endless nights, despairing cold and the sleeping death of winter" the warning given to mostly strike fear into the minds of people in the lands of the north. Making its way to the mouth of the cave, it almost laughs at the way the sun has been banished, caused by its sinister doing. The dragon had plotted this take over, he had watched for the day when he could stop the rising of the sun. It gave the beast great pleasure to think of the moment. ....................... The morning ritual started off as usual, the glorious white swan would swim out onto the lake, fan out her wings and call to the sun, getting the beautiful golden globe to climb high in the sky, giving off light and warmth causing life to burst forward below. That morning however, the serpent lay in wait for the swan, seizing the opportunity it crept up unoticed, biting her, injecting her with its poison, the swan became weak and had to seek refuge, giving the dragon the power to rule. Each day the sun arose later and later, it became weaker and weaker. The days grew colder, life became still, ice and snow covered the lands. ............................................ In its moment of pride, the dragon hadn't noticed that it was his turn now to fall. As the creature excited the cave, the brave face of a young knight appeared, he suddenly pierced the dragon's scales with his sword. It roared flames and anger but the clever knight was already out of range for the expected return attack. To a distant hill he rode and stopped suddenly at the top. The knight yelled to the dragon, "I have poisoned you Darkness with my sword, it's your turn to suffer and grow weak now, hide in your cave you cur for behold, the swan is well again and shall sing the sun to wake once more. Your rien of darkness has begun to end". .................................................... Or in other words, this is a gay man's very dramatic way of saying that he is sick of sunsets being at 4:30 and the days will begin to get longer again finally! Sunny days can't come soon enough!

My Letter to Santa.

I never wrote a letter to Santa in my life, it wasn't part of my family tradition, mom would ask us to tell her what we wanted and she would relay the message, very sneaky on her part. ............................................. I think if I did write a letter to him now, I would ask him to let me go with him Christmas eve, that would be all I wanted for Christmas. Come get me, take me to his shop and then on to his deliveries as well. The real gift would be the Christmas spirit, that Christmas magic many of us felt when we were kids, that's what I want for Christmas.

Tran, Trans, Tranny Trouble.

The story of how trans trouble with a guy ended up costing me money. Yes people I have trans trouble, as in the transmission of my car kicked the bucket (lol got you) and the guy is my mechanic who will replace it. At this point I should probably point out that I would never call someone a tranny etc, sounds rude and makes them sound like an object instead of a person who happens to be transgender. ............................................. With a little over a week until Christmas, I really appreciate this curve ball that life just tossed me. Could have been worse, I was not far from home so my old girl was able to crawl back before giving up the ghost. This is the first time I have ever had trouble in almost ten years so I can't complain too much. All I have to do is watch the news for five minutes to grasp that this is not the end of the world. The only thing is out in the country not having a car is annoying beyond belief. I will have to rent one and I can't believe the user hostile attitude of the rental companies. Their motto should be "we are here to gouge you" or "we are here to serve us" or "bend over, we hope you're a bottom". I should at least expect dinner when I am about to be that badly screwed.

Judgemental?

Sometimes I can be quite judgemental, a flaw for sure, I get it from good old mom. It's wrong but I can make snap judgments on people. I do like to be proven wrong however, I'm not so full of myself that I put blinders on to keep up the charade, I like to be surprised by people. I do find I am usually correct, I think it's just from experience and I am a grounded, down to earth type. I try not to see the world through a clouded view. Although I also understand that we all see the world through our own clouded view. ............................................... This week I let something slid, a new friendship that I had started. I had been emailing back and forth with a gay man who was looking for friends. He seemed nice enough at first but the thing that gave me pause was the constant drama he seemed to have gotten himself into. He works in a career where he will be guiding people, helping people, and mentoring people. I would think a person should have their own act together before they expect to tell others what to do. ............................................ Instead I received emails about not speaking with family, breaking off from friends, horrible relationships, aches, pains, depression and on and on. I found this not very professional, like someone becoming a vet but doesn't like animals. Alarm bells began ringing, do people think every email is a therapy session, isn't it a little classless to start revealing every pimple and wart to a stranger? Soon I lost interest in meeting, maybe he is just lonely, maybe he is lonely for a reason. ..................................... I can get negative and down about a lot of issues but I try to fight that, I often make an effort to stay away from negative people. Everyone has drama in their life, friends are supposed to be an outlet from drama not heap more on. Maybe he needed that outlet, maybe he just needed someone to listen. Judgemental little me, I ended the friendship before I ever gave it a chance, so now I will never know.

Pity the Baroness.

Tonight, as is often the custom at Christmas, one of the local stations will be playing the film, The Sound of Music, I am not sure about the connection between Christmas and Nazis but who am I to judge. ............................. For those of you who may not know about this movie, it's the heart breakingly sad story about a true diva, one of the original divas, the stunning Baroness Schraeder (played by Eleanor Parker) and her quest to land a rich and handsome husband. However after spending years laying out the groundwork to reel in a good man, (the dashing Captain VonTrapp) her plans are foiled. ............................................ While the sophisticated and worldly Baroness is planning to come for a visit, along with every true diva's accessory, a gay man named Max, she is unaware that another woman has entered into her lover's household. A young backward mountain girl who climbed down from the hills to hide out in a convent. When the Baroness first arrives, being a woman who knows what she wants, she can always detect an amateur and sees right through the nanny/nun. This holy Mary Poppins starts to bond with the Captain through music and the Baroness becomes practically ill with the sickening sweetness. Giving us the best line from the movie "why didn't you tell me to bring my harmonica" which actually I used at a bbq last summer when everyone except me pulled out a guitar and started singing folk songs. ..................................... Fast forward and the clever Baroness tricks the dull nun into leaving, heaping guilt and shame onto her, it's brilliant. Now she realizes the only thing between her and a new hubby is the scary robot children that he cranked with his first wife, seven children, I guess we know what he did when he came back from being out on the sea. Boarding school, she confesses to max (who I think slept with the evil butler, I just get that feeling). She has the logical solution to get rid of the runny nose brigade, send them off to boarding school. ............................................. Everything is working to plan, things are back to normal when suddenly who shows up like a lost puppy, the nun-ny! Like the beautiful and gracious woman she is, she knows when she has been defeated, yes defeated by youth and the virginal promise of unmarked snow, what every straight guy in midlife craves. With a broken heart she still shows class by giving the Captain a way out to save face for both of them, she says she doesn't want to be tied down and their arrangement no longer works for her. She packs up Max and leaves the two lumps because they deserve each other. ............................................ Later she will be proven right as once he marries the ex-nun he loses his job, they form a band, tick off a bunch of Nazi soldiers, encourage nuns to steal auto parts and then they become homeless. ............................................ As a final note Eleanor Parker only died recently December 9, 2013 of phenomena at the age of 91, sadly I didn't hear anything about it.

Gay me.

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day and I was off work. I decided to walk through a field and as often happens when walking a thought occurred to me. I wondered how much of who I am is me because I'm gay and how much of who I am is "me" weather I turned out gay or not. How much of being gay affects who I am and I mean that in both the physical and mental aspects of the person I became. ............................................ There is a difference between gay men and straight men for the most part, I know many will not like or agree with my statement but I have noticed this long ago. It's not one thing it's more like a collection of things, it can sometimes be hard to pinpoint but there is a difference. ............................................. The reason this came into my head, I was having a failure moment. I have been on this farm six years now and never tried to run it. Instead I work in the city and rent the land. I sometimes think a "real" man would have given it a shot, not this half man, not this gay mouse. I over think everything, I fear every possible situation that could go wrong. ............................................ I wonder what I would be like if I was straight, how different would my personality be, or would it be different, I wonder. Even the physical part of who I am. My height is normal but I'm embarrassed by my size, I have the frame of a ten year old and I know being gay has something to do with that. Being this tiny Tim also affected my choice not to farm and not to take part in a lot of sports when younger. Being gay probably has something to do with almost every choice I have ever made and it's hard to explain but a lot of those choices were against what I really wanted, they were negative choices. ............................................. I don't want to make this a whining post, more like if an alien had been observing Steven growing up, it would have noticed that I was different from the other boys, how much was nature and how much was nurture. I don't want that anal probe thing that aliens do though, I'm actually more of a top so that would rub me the wrong way. I mean seriously they could just ask me what I had to eat and skip the whole procedure. ............................................ Sometimes I still feel like there are two of me, the "real" Steven, the guy I was suppose to be but was struck down by gay hormones, and the Steven I am today. I know this is not a healthy way to think because it is seeing myself as a damaged straight guy instead of a complete gay man. Still I have to wonder, how much of my personality is because I am gay and how much is because that's who I am.

Blasted Phone Company.

Amongst Canadians, one of our complaints is that our phone charges are much higher than other countries. I guess it's because the phone lines freeze in winter and all the words get back logged, only to run free again come spring. This morning we were startled by the phone ringing, very unusual as no one would be calling me that early. We have a saying in the country, good news sleeps until noon. Scrambling for the phone I brace myself for bad news. On the line is some guy telling me my computer has a virus and if I give him my credit card information and access to my computer, he will fix everything. So I said sure, I mean who needs all that stupid money to pay for food and rent anyway. Just kidding I hung up. ............................................ The serious side of this is they target the elderly or people who have learning disabilities, so if you have anyone in your circle of family or friends that fall into this group, keep an eye out for them. That is not my angle with this post however, my take is on the glaring problem due to the phone companies. Take for example, I belong to two clubs and some of the people in it live about one and a half/two hours from me. If I call them for information I get a charge of eight to twelve dollars, even on weekends and nights. The guys who call regarding these scams are overseas, it's one of the reasons the law can't touch them. If you think about my bill for eight calling someone who is two hours away, their bills should be eight thousand! Hmmmm, something doesn't smell right. I am feeling a little gouged. I have one friend who told me he no longer calls his brother, instead he jumps in the car and goes to visit him because he said they can talk for hours and the price of a tank of gas is almost the same as his phone bill lol. ............................................ I think if the phone companies really wanted to help protect their clients, there is probably an easy solution but I wouldn't count on them because they will never do a thing unless they start to lose money, then watch how fast the clampdown comes. As for me, lower my charges you swindlers! Maybe next time that computer virus guy calls, I will ask him to call my friend for me and relay my messages.

FWBs and other bad ideas.

When I was younger I used to have friends over, we would play video games, drink beer and eat pizza. My friends were straight family men and my place was a getaway for them. I remember sometimes guys being guys, they would strip down to get comfortable, it was hard not to feel aroused by the situation. One day I had the thought in my head, why couldn't a person have a few friends over that would play video games, eat pizza, drink beer, get naked, play twister and help each other out with a little intimacy. When I first heard the term "friends with benefits" I thought "bingo" that may be the thing for me. Lately "friends with benefits" just seems to be part of the relationship dialogue, as if it has become a new form of couple, as if equal to boyfriend/girlfriend, boyfriend/boyfriend, girlfriend/girlfriend. The evening news did a segment one night about it and discussed how to navigate through a relationship like this, it almost seemed to recommend getting into a friendship if you happen to not be dating anyone. ....................................... Sounds good in theory but I can't actually see myself doing that. I think I would get attached to the person, (I would hope I get attached) it's not in me to not care. If I didn't, then something is really wrong with me, or him (or them lol). I am not judging anyone here, if that is your current situation then that is your business. As for myself, I think searching out someone to start this type of relationship would feel phoney, because it's not an actual friendship built on mutual interests, shared experiences or connections. It would be an arrangement, like a business partnership or something along those lines. I think after an encounter like that I would feel empty (oh, no pun intended) or have huge regrets. ............................................. Even now if a life long friend came forward and wanted to start something, it would be just too weird. Oh the awkward moment when I get naked and he gets naked, then the handcuffs come out etc etc, yuck it would be like when I have to strip at the doctor's office. I have come close to entering into a relationship like this but I backed out, it's not really what I am looking for. Better to keep these thoughts for fantasy, dirty dirty fantasies. Oh well you know what they say, you should learn to love yourself first, yes pun intended.

298 posts, 299 posts, 300!!!!

Wow 300 posts, what should I say. I would like to thank all the little people for getting me here, Santa's elves, the seven dwarfs and especially the oz munchkins. Three Hundred posts, actually I thought there would be more, I started back in 2007, was halted by life and no internet access, then restarted or more like continued since I didn't actually quit. I like to go back and read some of my first posts. The flood of memories that come back can be almost a little intoxicating. I think because it's almost like reading about someone else but at the same time being transported back to that moment, with all the emotions and feelings that come from those memories. ........................................ I was recalling the early days, when I was a lurker only. I thought I had stumbled upon a gold mine, a gay gold mine. At that time it still was the straight community that tried to define us and of course they would only stick to one stereotype. I didn't connect to that stereotype, I didn't want to be some super fabulous gay guy who hit on straight men and never had a relationship longer than one night. According to the thinking of that time, that was what I was supposed to become. Keeping in mind I was growing up in the country so I didn't have any exposure to positive gay role models or any gay people for that matter. ............................................. It was the everyday little things in life that attracted me to the blogs. I know it sounds silly now but I would soak up the details of a gay couple cooking dinner, doing laundry or buying a house together. The interactions between the guys, it was something the straight world would never allow us to see, not exciting enough, no one wanted the gay secret to get out, the secret that gay relationships were pretty much just like straight relationships. ............................................ I watched and watched and watched and finally a little light began to flicker, that I could have a relationship, that I could be like those couples, on my terms, just like my straight friends. I had this fantasy, to be watching tv or something ordinary like reading a book, my boyfriend would walk in, we would kiss and I would ask how his day was. It seems so small now but at that time, I couldn't even say the sentence "I am gay" out loud in my apartment, for fear that the sky would collapse down on me once spoken. ............................................. The day to day living of gay men and couples was what first brought me to the blogs. I then decided to use the blogosphere as a private community, to get the support I needed and to work out my thought process along the way while I came out. Blogging is different for me now as circumstances are different now. The blog rambles a little to other tropics, maybe because as I get older I ramble off or so I am told. Blogging is different now also in that I no longer "need" to blog, now it's more like thinking out loud or a hobby, plus I like to see what others are saying, thinking and doing. Also the community has changed but most bloggers are a friendly bunch and as an introvert it's easier for me to meet new people this way. ...................................... Well that's it 300, woo who, however going forward if I happen to meet a cute guy, then I will neglect this blog and probably you won't hear from me until he does something stupid, which is the way it should be. Then I will blog about how it's all his fault and what a perfect boyfriend I was to him.

Thirty Three and Up.

Not recommended for 33 and up, apparently that could be on a label for music CDs, if you were thinking of giving them as a gift. Maybe I am showing my age, do people buy music CDs any more? I keep hearing about a fact that most people stop listening and buying music after the age of 33. I know regarding my music habits that is mostly true. Some speculate that may be due to the fact most people are heavily into career and family at that age. Clearly that statement doesn't apply to me. I did begin to notice my lack of interest in songs and music and I figured it has something to do with age. Every now and then I come across a band or song I like, but I find after a while I grow tired of it/them. ........................................ I happened to read a comment the other day saying eighties music was really bad, at first I was slightly offended since eighties music was the soundtrack to my coming of age. Then I began to think of a lot of the songs and bands of that time, yup they really were bad weren't they! In my defense I didn't listen to top forty type songs. I have also gone through the stage in life around twenties and thirties where you are excited to hear an old song from your teen years because it makes you think back. Now I no longer want to hear anything from those years, they make me feel down because it's a time long ago that is fading away faster each year, I want to move on. .................................... Sometimes when I feel sleepy while driving I will play a music station and I find I hate nine out of ten songs. Except for one singer, lately I perk up when I hear Adele, she snaps me out of my music hating stupor. I love her slightly gravely voice, that woman exudes pain lol. If you are going through a bad break up, listen to Adele she is going to wail your tortured heartbreak, she gets it, she knows. I just heard while writing this post that she is only going to sell her new CD as a CD only, no downloading, lol she must have read my post! Now let's get the video stores back!

Nuances, Subtleties and Secret Moments.

I think for most of us born before 1990, we unknowingly or maybe knowingly, developed a sixth sense about the people around us. The basic truth is that we had to, in order to be able to maneuver through the planet of the straights. I think many of us began to read the subtleties of body language, read between the lines and pick up on things that went over the top of most other's heads. We had gaydar long before the word was invented. I also realize now that all the times I thought my gaydar was broken, it was working perfectly. Just that the handsome jock with the wife and 2.5 kids, also secretly had a boyfriend that would later show up in life. ....................................... One thing that I love about the way gay couples are not only accepted around here, actually pretty much a none issue, is the result regarding the younger guys. The young guys that are completely the opposite of a gay stereotype, those guys were the most hidden but the new generation is not burdened by past bigotry. I love when I am surprised, I love when some handsome guy who looks straight to me, very casually says "no you go ahead sir, I'm just waiting on my husband" a little voice laughs in my head and says "you have just been schooled". ........................................ However this is not the reality of most gay people in the world, which makes me think about the bad old days. Everything gay for me was a negative, I felt it was under control, I had my whole routine, I would stick with it, I had a life long plan and it involved hiding, hiding and hiding. I remember my first positive experience. It happened at a bus station (you better not be thinking about under stall sex or something). I was in my last year of high school, I lived in the city and was on my way home to visit my parents. I had just hunkered down in a chair waiting for the bus, listening to tunes on my Sony walkman (remember those) eating Doritos when something caught my attention. It was a blip on my gaydar. ............................................ Three young people about my age, a girl and two guys were fooling around in a photo booth (do they still have those) and there was something about the two guys. I couldn't put my finger on it but something about them grabbed my attention like a magnet, the way they looked at each other, spoke to each other or seemed comfortable being close to each other. They were trying to fit in the booth to get a picture before the girl had to leave. The bigger guy sat in the chair, the girl sat on one knee while the thinner guy sat on the other knee. Laughing and joking they pulled the curtain to take a picture but had pulled it too far and that's when I saw it, affection.... and I was stunned by it. Affection between two guys and not the kind I was used to. It was a moment in time, it seemed like everything slowed down for me. The bigger guy wrapped his arms around both the guy and girl to hold them by the waist, however the smaller guy held his hand, not knowing I was watching the smaller guy learned back and relaxed into his friend, the bigger guy leaned forward placing his chin on the other's shoulder closing his eyes and hugged him close, the kind of hug that says "I love this guy". I just stared, caught up in their private moment. Suddenly the bigger guy opened his eyes and looked right at me, saw me watching and snapped all three off the chair. They were scared, they quickly left, I wanted to tell them it's ok, I wanted to give them a thumbs up, but that was a different time and I was a different person. That night I couldn't sleep, I saw a gay couple, they were in love and that was a beginning.

Fear of Self.

What scares you? Most people I would guess have some type of fear. I think a lot of gay men maybe have fears, or are at least in touch with their feelings enough to admit it. Unlike straight guys who lie lie lie, they have fears as well no matter how much they shrug it off. There are all kinds of fears real and unreal, fear of losing your job, fear of getting cancer versus fear of bridges or fear of darkness. ....................................... Lately I struggle with fear of doing something stupid, as in meeting the wrong guy at the wrong place and time, then doing something stupid that I will regret later on. Fear of myself, fear of a bad decision. Yes, sometimes I don't think enough, just so far I have kept myself out of bad situations, I sometimes feel that is why I isolate myself from the gay community. I do not sleep around, my track record looks pretty good by most (actually almost all) gay standards but.... it has come close. I find there is that point of desire where a guy has one thing on his mind and it almost becomes tunnel vision, I don't know about any of you but I find it much stronger as I get older. I don't trust myself anymore, part of me wants to get swept up in the moment and stop over thinking everything. .................................. There seems to be a move towards no longer caring about your fellow man in the gay community, instead there is a drive for your own personal gratification. I don't like wearing condoms either but when did wearing one become some slight against the gay community's freedom, when did a person become a loser for using one and when did having HIV become cool. Even worse, when did spreading it become erotic. I hate hospitals, I don't want to be stuck going to one the rest of my life, I don't want to have to take pills all the time, that really frightens me. ...................................... Being in a gay relationship from my understanding is not a guarantee against any mistakes, I understand (or I'm told) gay relationships are more fluid (no pun intended) and guys often go wandering outside of the relationship for a moment of excitement. I confess I thought about it during my last relationship since sex ended up being about every four to six months. Just being honest so as not to pretend that I am perfect. .................................. I scare myself now sometimes, I think about hooking up, how hot it could be and I am afraid that if the opportunity were in front of me, I would take it. Later when I cool down I wonder what is wrong with me, that's not who I am, or is it me. I am not sure what I want to get out of posting this, maybe I want to show my darker side or maybe if I put this down in writing, I will see how stupid my thinking has become.

Role play.

The other day I was talking to someone about a couple we both know. The person I was talking to is straight, the couple is gay. The straight guy made the comment that since one of the men in the couple is a rugged construction type guy and the other man is more the fashion model type of guy, we should be able to see which of the two is the wife. No one has made that stupid statement to me in years, I used to be really disappointed in any of my friends if they asked me who was the wife in my relationships. .................................... I found with gay couples there are no set rules. One guy may be more into what is considered the traditional male role than his partner, both may be, neither may be or even each may compliment the other. As I get older however I am discovering that it's not just a gay "thing". I am noticing there are many straight couples where the traditional roles of each person are not that strictly followed. How many times do we hear someone say the wife wears the pants. ..................................... There are many couples around where the wife takes care of the car, fixes the drywall or removes the mouse from the trap because the husband is either clueless about fixing things or is squeamish. No one starts asking them who plays the dominant role in their relationship. There is still that implied way of thinking that if one of the men likes to cook, is into fashion or decorating the house, then he is a lesser man than the one who changes the tires or saws wood for the winter. ........................................ When I visit my straight friends I love to secretly observed this dynamic. Often the quiet guy, shy guy has a bold in your face wife or the comical, laid back guy has a serious and results driven wife. They compliment each other, maybe opposites do attract but often (I think) roles in a relationship are defined by the personality of each partner. If the woman swings a hammer and the husband is a file clerk, no one feels a need to figure out where they fit in that partnership. ..................................... In my last relationship, I was dating this six foot plus construction renovation type guy, we each had our strengths and he was always telling me to get comfortable with being gay etc but there was one thing I found a little funny. It was that he wanted to be seen as the dominant person in the relationship by others. Mr I am so cool with my sexuality was worried about not being viewed as the alpha male, strange for someone who was supposed to have worked all that out years ago. Me, I don't really care, I mean if they know I am sleeping with another guy, I think the picture of me as a ladies man has gone out the window. I would imagine if people talked about us, they would have assumed I was the wife in that relationship, according to their way of thinking. However they would be wrong, it was a partnership, we each stepped up to our strengths just like most couples gay or straight. I think the more we get to know about relationships the more we realize how much we all have in common, no matter what our sexuality is. Maybe one day there will be no more stupid questions like "who's the wife".

Halloween Fright.

Well it's over for another year, people ask me if we get any children because I live out in the country and I always answer yes we do, we usually get one or two every eighteen to nineteen years. That is the true fright about life around here, it's dying out. Every now and then a young family will move in but once the children reach school age, the parents realize their kids will not have access to the type of education that schools in the city offer and so they leave. Very sad actually, many of the small villages around here have no children, like some sci-fi movie where all the children have been taken away. ............................................ The other scary thing for me is that Halloween marks the beginning of the pre drab grey days before winter. Gone are the colourful leaves, the bright orange pumpkins, the ripe red apples, the cool nights with warm days. No, now it rains and rains and everything looks grey, the sky, the trees and the cold air runs down the back of your neck like ice water. .......................................... Scary as well, Halloween has become political, some places ban it so that people won't be offended or left out because they choose not to take part. I can't help feeling nostalgic about Halloween, it was a fun evening for us, back in the day when kids were constantly reminded to be seen and not heard, compared to today where they are expected to be spoiled and catered to. When did Halloween become a symbol, once upon a time it was just a fun activity for kids, to dress up, to meet their neighbours, to get treats, end of story. There is no great conspiracy behind the tradition. ...........................................I wanted to post yesterday but internet goblins prevented me, so more annoying than scary. Speaking of annoying, I was getting candy yesterday afternoon just in case some little lost child did show up at my door and I had to duck and weave around all the store employees putting up the Christmas decorations, too soon, too soon.

Grocery shopping thoughts.

Why is it that I think of all the craziest thoughts while shopping for groceries. Like for instance, there is some sort of universal conspiracy against me when I go to get my munchies. One of the reasons I dream this up is because inevitably I will always bump into someone who I can't stand, maybe even haaaaaaate. Oh there will be no warning, oh no, they're is no chance of escape, no hiding behind the broccoli and zucchini, it will be turn the corner and blammo, there they are, right in front of me. Oh hi, yes I would love to talk and listen to your bitter hateful rants about whatever and that exciting way you drone on and on but you know that sale on salad dressing is not going to last forever! Then the universe plays that joke where I keep turning into them at every corner, no matter how I try to rearrange my ile search. Finally I give them the slip and while looking over my shoulder, run smack into someone even worse. ...................................... Why do I never meet an old friend, why do I never meet some of the people I admire, why do I never meet a current friend who I just don't get to spend time with. Then I wonder, well worry actually, what if I am "that guy" to someone. What if someone is shopping and his wife comes running up, out of breath and whispers, "don't look now but Steve is to your left buying toilet paper". They nod to each other silently, knowingly, put down their groceries and quietly slip away. Later they tell a friend of the near mishap, "oh that guy would just go on and on". ........................................ I am back to noticing gay couples, I used to watch gay couples shopping together and wish that was me. When I finally had someone to shop with, I stopped noticing. I am funny like that, I never hear of all the wild and crazy stuff gay men get up to and think that I want that for myself. I get excited when I hear two guys get a house together, get married or even shop for groceries together, boring I know but I'm a family man, a gay family man that is. Need to work on that but I'm stalling stalling which is probably better as another post for another day. Anyway I broke down and bought a breakfast type pastry, so you know......

In Love with the Septic Guy.

Is it wrong that I'm in love with our septic system guy? Lol, it started last year, living out in the country we have no city sewage system, so people have to have their own tank which gets pumped out. Now normally I hate calling these guys, usually what happens is some guy shows up who is unshaven, adverse to bathing and hasn't washed his clothes since spring, resulting in more oil on his pants than in all of Texas. Conversation consists of grunts, uh huh and then silence. Sometimes there is a beat up cigarette hanging off his lips as well. I think you people probably get the idea now. ............................................ Last year however a new company started to operate in our area, when the truck showed up, I went to meet the driver, I was momentarily stunned by the GQ model that stepped out of the vehicle. Tall, handsome, with hazel blue eyes that penetrate, sandy blond hair and a natural tan. He was neatly dressed in clean work clothes but also added a little style to them as well. Instantly he connected with me as a person should do with a customer. Bright, funny, intelligent and really easy to talk to. I even teased him about his career choice. He just laughed it off. I think he is young, about twenty four so I don't imagine he will do this forever but I'm sure many people are pleasantly surprised when he shows up. .............................................. Is it wrong I wonder what my septic guy looks like in the shower, at night, running water, soap lathering up to wash away a days work. I can just imagine how crushed I will be if one day I call and some slob shows up again, lol.

Taking part in democracy.

Election day.Today is the day Canadians go to vote for the next Prime Minister of Canada. Many people could not be bothered to take part in democracy, it is not fair to always label the youth with this trend as I know many people of different ages who won't even be able to tell you who won by Friday. .................................... Then there is my mom, she has Alzheimer's, it's in the middle stages, she gets confused a lot, has no grasp of days or months, asks if her parents are still alive and yet she wanted to vote. She sees it as her duty, wants to know the candidates names, which party they represent, remembers the names, which is actually almost a miracle at this point. She is clearly on a mission. So I take her to vote, she marks her X and contributes to the democracy of Canada. She still grasps the importance of that X, no matter the result. Feeling a little proud at this moment.

The Bird of Paradise Falls Silent.

Strelitzia! Strelitzia! What an interesting sounding word. Almost sounds like a toast of joy at an Italian wedding. It is however a thing of great beauty. A flower no less and not just any flower, a flower so beautifully bizarre as to actually look like a little bird perched on a plant. Thus I assume it was given the common name of the bird of Paradise. I was able to see one when I visited the botanical gardens in Montreal, nature can be breathtaking. ........................ Even more wonderful is how I found out about the flower. It happened back when I was first blogging, when I was trying to get my gay legs under me. I was part of a group of blog writers who read and commented on each other's blogs. One day these kind and encouraging comments began to appear on our blogs. The odd thing was, it was a woman! She had stepped into our realm of gay men. Quickly she gained our trust and friendship with her thoughtful comments. She gave herself the blog tag birdie. ............................................ She eventually explained that she had lost a brother who was gay and was saddened by the fact he thought he had to hide his sexuality from her because she was a Christian, however she was a loving Christian, not one of those clobber you over the head with a bible Christians. I became friends with her and we exchanged emails, she was someone I looked forward to hearing from. Like most of my blog friends, I lost touch when I moved to the country. ...................................... A little while ago another past blog friend sadly informed me that birdie had died. She had been battling cancer and it was finally too much. I since have lost that email account so whatever was said between us is gone now. ............................................ I was not sure if it was proper for me to write a post about her. Meaning there are many people who would be devastated by her loss in the real world and I only knew her through the internet. However some of my old posts have been called up on my blog feed and I have been reading them as a way to look back at my progress over the years. Often in the comment section, there she is, supporting me, cheering me on, encouraging me, laughing with me and consoling me over the loss of my father. It may sound strange but I was looking for permission to blog about her, but from who? Then I think it came, strange to say but a post came up called Why Blog, and in the comments I convinced her to finally start a blog as she kept saying that she would one day. I had forgotten about that, it was my moment to realize that maybe in some small way I had affected her life as well. .............................................. I just have to say, Oh you beautiful beautiful lady, if there really is a paradise I hope it's filled with people like you, thank you for the support when I needed support, thank you for the validation when I needed validation, thank you for the friendship when I needed a friend. I am truly saddened by your loss and there is a noticeable silence in the world, a silence that happens when the bird of paradise sings no more.

Who's running the joint?

Many times I hear people say that if we don't like the way politicians are running things, we should run for what we believe in. I say that is uneducated bull, I myself am not capable of running a town, city, province and certainly not a country. I and most people don't have the talent to pull off such a serious position. I believe someone like myself could back a candidate whom I felt represented the same beliefs as I, that would be more realistic. ............................................. It does make me wonder about the people who run, I feel they should be of a higher calibre and well rounded regarding many subjects. Anything less than that would be like replacing a company manager with the guy who cleans garbage from the parking lot. He may be a great guy but I would have no confidence in that company. ............................................. That brings me to an issue this week regarding our elections. One guy who could have been elected to our government, was caught writing an article about changing gay people straight. He used such wonderful phrases as making us normal because being gay is unnatural etc etc, the usual vomit people like that spew out. He was sneaky enough to publish it in a non english paper, probably thinking it would not find its way to mainstream media. He got the boot but it makes me wonder about our leaders. I expect them to be more knowledgeable, more worldly than me, certainly not less than myself and definitely not ignorant or backwards. ........................................... . Political parties seem to have become more like an industry, they are geared to getting the "contact" of governing but not actually "governing" and they look for people to fill the positions but not people who could really contribute. I am hoping people begin to tire of this, meanwhile could we get some people in there who actually know something!

Running with the pack.

As far as friends go, I tend to move amongst the straight crowds. Sometimes that makes more sense to me as friends should be of like mind with similar interests and not just picked because of sexuality. However I do miss not being able to talk about gay issues with other men. I say men because I have a lot of lesbian friends, I didn't plan it that way, life just worked its funny magic and voila, lesbians everywhere around me. However I think a gay man needs gay male friends, lol we need to run with the pack so to speak. .................................... So I want to say that I have been actively working on a friendship with someone. We have been communicating back and forth for a while now. I wanted it that way, there have been some bad experiences in the past so I wanted to proceed with caution. My bad sense of humor, I actually said to the guy for us to email back and forth, just to make sure one of us was not crazy! It's going really well actually, we have a lot of common ground, we are both in similar situations and it makes everything easier not having to explain myself constantly. ................................................ He did say that he just needs a friend now, I think he has been hurt a few times and is cautious about getting into another relationship. I said I am on the same page, right now I have too much on my plate and I told him it would not be fair to the other person for me to try and date. ............................................... However this is my blog, these are my thoughts so here comes the truth because really, I can't lie to myself! I'm feeling a strong connection to this guy, I hope we like each other, he seems like a really decent person. I hope he is really like the person that he is presenting himself to me as. I hope he falls for me, I hope he comes to me one day, sheepish and red in the face and asks to change our dynamics, asks me to go out with him as more than just a friend, I hope we fall in love. ........................... Or, this could be that new guy experience, the one that makes me blind to someone's faults, maybe right now I am refusing to see the problems stretch out before my eyes, so I need to guard myself, play it cool, detach and step back. Ok Steven, calm down, press the reset button and just work on being friends. What if he hates me after getting to know me. .................................. I think that was the hardest part about my breakup with Dave. The fact that once he got to know the "real" me, he no longer wanted to be with me, comes as a huge shock to the ego and assaults your core. Once bitten twice shy and I think it's part of the reason I essentially stopped being gay for the last couple of years. Well I will keep all three of you posted.

What Will Come Of Us.

I choose to keep this blog about day to day issues, either gay issues or just making our way through life issues. I don't want to get into really heavy issues, world crisis issues, I think that could alter this blog. The truth is though I am the type of person who watches a lot of news, so it's not that I am not aware or worse, that I don't care. Lately however I really worry, I worry about where we are heading. I sometimes feel humanity is flying apart at the seams. I don't blog about it because I find there seems to be so many hidden levels to all the conflicts, I don't feel my comments would be valid when I am still taking in all the information. Our politicians don't look deep enough to come up with solutions, I don't think they would understand the bigger picture, and there always seems to be an even bigger picture. We need a hero right now, sadly heroes don't exist.

LOL, J.O's A OK!

Well folks, every man's favorite topic, masturbation. Turns out all that practice in high school will pay off if you keep it up. A study out of Montreal has shown that men who continually tug on the goods into their older years, were much less likely to get prostate cancer. Makes perfect sense, use it or lose it principle applies here, we are always told to exercise everything, even the mind. Stands to reason then that the healthier we keep the plumbing, the better to keep the rust out. ............................................ The religious nuts are not going to like this. They have been telling us for years not to touch the merchandise. If God was so worried about spilled milk, he would not have invented wet dreams. You think they would have learned about being wrong after the whole earth is flat with four corners scandal. I mean they even invented a bland breakfast cereal and entrenched penis mutilation to combat self enjoyment. .............................................. It would take Montreal to bring out the truth, as much as Canadians love anything to do with sex, French Canadians love it more. Americans don't like sex, or at least pretend not to like it and they definitely don't like masturbation, they have been trying for years to convince us we will go insane with hairy palms if we play with the garden hose. By teen years most guys are doing it, the ones who are not we call liars. Myself I learned really young, like crazy young, seven! True story, remember I grew up on a farm, we had a milk cow, got an idea in my head and suddenly made a huge discovery that evening. ............................................ To take health matters into your own hands, (intended pun) nothing too extreme, no upside down harness or such things, just empty the sack of goodies, helps to clear out the bagpipes. Recommended dose is five times a week, not sure if it's harmful to go over the limit. Kind of a double edged sword, on one hand (no pun intended) it is great to hear that not only is it ok to do, it's actually recommended to do. However on the flipside, with five times a week, I hate that I have to cut my activities by half.

Math Explanation 100% Needed.

This morning while driving in to work, I was listening to the radio and the host was interviewing a person about recent polls regarding our upcoming elections. Three parties are neck and neck while the fourth is not even on the radar. It was the following numbers that caught my attention and made me laugh. The person said that party A had fifty percent of the votes, party B had forty five percent, party C had forty percent and party D had twenty percent. Huh??? What is this that new feel good whole math, where we accept any answers as long as you tried? I think an explanation is required, one at least to show us how they came up with these numbers. In my mind they seem one hundred percent off.

The Danger in Looking Back.

After a breakup, if we could look back, if we could go back in time, if we could reclaim those first feelings, I wonder if the outcome of a breakup could be reversed. I have entered into a very dangerous space of reliving the days when I first started dating my ex. It happened by accident, someone started reading some of my old posts which called the old titles forward. I forgot how much I went into detail about starting a relationship. I made the mistake of reading them, they awakened dormant feelings. I found myself reliving exciting moments, funny moments, intimate moments and a flood of emotions started to return. The excitement of a new relationship, my first real relationship, that's something powerful and I believe it when it's said you don't forget your first. I should have left that genie in a bottle however. I wonder if I had thought to read my posts when things were coming apart in our relationship, if I had sat down with Dave and read some funny moments, awkward moments of our first dates, first weekend together, first meeting of each other's family or friends. Would that have been enough, would that have been the reset button, would it have made us realize why we got together in the first place. Maybe not, maybe life just got in the way, maybe we were too far gone, maybe we would not have been able to draw raw emotions from those posts. I am glad I put those thoughts down, I think most people would enjoy having those feelings return, especially couples who have been together for years. Just right now for me, I will read them another day, because the end of a good relationship is like the death of a friend and sometimes a person doesn't want to relive that loss.

Simple Job Choice.

I have no problem with a person who is deeply religious, I have no problem with the government staying out of the practices of a religion as long as it doesn't affect others. I have no problem with someone displaying their religion at work weather it's a cross, type of clothes they wear, even the dreaded tiny Christmas tree etc, etc. However I have a huge problem with someone who is in a government job and discriminates against others because they feel their religion allows them to. The choice is clear, if you are in a secular position, you carry out your duties according to the law of the land. If you want to work according to your religious beliefs, then you should get a job within that institution, where you can be bigoted to your little heart's content. Of course I am talking about the lady who is trying to make herself look like a martyr by not granting marriage licenses to gay couples. Here we go again, pick on the gays. I wonder how many do and do nots she skips over to make her life easier, I doubt she follows every rule. If she is so religious, why does she give other couples a license, if they are not part of her religion, is that not a false marriage according to her beliefs? These types of religious groups are sickening in the fact that they go looking for a fight and then cry foul when it comes to them. I am not going to argue this same problem over and over, it's a simple choice, if your job includes giving marriage licenses to gay couples, then give them a license, if you won't perform your duties then get the ffff out so someone who will do the job can.

Sweetie, your daddy is a hottie!

We have plunged into fall weather over this weekend, I even lit a fire today in order to get that damp feeling out of the house. However the past two weeks were unusually hot, more like July weather and not September. One wonderful day on my way to be a corporate slave, I was watching the runners along the canal. Again, many were shirtless and I could see they were very very very healthy. One guy really caught my eye, he was so well defined, handsome, probably late twenties. The thing I found so cute was that he was a young daddy, out jogging with his baby, he had one of those special jogging strollers and he was going at a good clip. The other thing that made my day as the big smile on his face, ear to ear as he kept proudly looking down at his little bundle. ___________________________ Sometimes I feel so dirty but in situations like that I can't help thinking, out there is a really lucky woman who gets to have regular sex with that guy! I hope she appreciates what life gave her as a partner lol. Same at work, I can't tell you how many times some freaking hot guy will confess to me that his wife never wants to have sex. I shake my fist at the sky, yelling why why why. I quietly say under my breath, how it would be every day if I was their partner. I am a nester, I want the happy ever after, I am not into the drunk doing it in the woods with strangers kind of gay man. So if a cute man wanted to be with me, he would never have to sleep on the couch. Especially that hottie daddy jogging by me. Sorry I just don't feel like thinking too much, so my default is cute men.

Where's the beef?

Where's the beef? Okay I have always wanted to say that, sorry this is not a post about muscular guys. It's about that extremely important subject to most men, yes that's right, hamburgers. I love a good hamburger, the ones you get from a country fair or at a friend's bbq. That is why I usually don't eat one from any fast food restaurants, I have always been baffled by how restaurant chains concentrate on their food being production assembly efficient, while being bland, flavorless slop. At an early age I stopped going to Mc D's, I remember taking apart a big mac and looking for the lettuce tomato and onions, it seemed to me that they vomited some type of sauce on my patty and that doesn't count as a burger! ____________________________________________ Something interesting has been happening over the last few years, with large numbers of immigrants and also large numbers of health conscious consumers, the factory food production is being rejected. People want taste, they want to know that is going into their food and they want to know where it came from plus how it was produced. The companies attitude of "you will take what we give you" no longer works as many people will go somewhere else or demand better. This is the way it should be, don't tell me what I want, just give me what I want. This week I feel we have won as a consumer, Mc D has released a new product here. It's a beef patty, on a bun, with fresh lettuce, tomatoes and onions. Who would ever think that one day Mc D's would sell a real hamburger, lol, lol.

The More I Know of How Little I Know.

I always hope that people don't take this blog as me thinking I know what is best. The older I get, the more I learn of how little I know. I don't have any life answers, I only have more questions. Sometimes I read some of my old posts and although I enjoy them, I often cringe over what I had wrote back then. I know some of the older gay people would have caught my ignorance but were kind enough to just let me learn on my own and at my own pace. I also hope that I don't make someone feel judged, I know, I feel, I understand that what works for me is unique to my situation and doesn't fit into another person's life. I also want people to know that my new gay self is no where near perfect, it is leaps and bounds over where it was ten years ago but it is still closeted in some situations. Take work for example, I'm still considered straight there, here in the country to some degree as well. To be honest I'm okay with that, I keep it that way, I know many will think that is wrong but my life my rules. The difference now however is I don't worry about being outed at work, if it happens, well then it happens. Probably the most important thing I am trying to say here is that I am not giving anyone any advice, I don't have the life experience to draw from, so what do I know, except that I know, that I know very little, at least that's something.

Happy Outiversary To Me!

Yes you read that right lol. I was listening to the radio this morning and the hosts were commenting on it being the final week for a fireworks competition that we have in the city around this time every year. Although the dates are off a bit, it was at the final show of this event where I came out to my friend Erik, a whopping eight years ago! I can't believe how time has flown by. ___________________________________________________. I was reading over the original post about how it happened and grinning ear to ear. It went over better than expected and I remember how funny it was that my friend had always been a smartass to me about saying that I was gay, but when I finally told him, he kept asking me over and over if I was playing a trick on him. I remember we went back to his place and talked for hours. He was such a good friend to me that night, I have to get back in touch with him again, we have grown apart just from life getting in the way, or actually me being lazy about keeping in touch. ______________________________________________. I remember when he asked me if I was gay that night, I paused for a split second but in my head time stood still, my mind was racing, should I stay in denial mode or should I finally tell someone. Nobody other than a guy I secretly dated and a few blog friends knew I was gay, he would be the first friend in the real world that would know. He would be the first straight person ever handed my secret, I would no longer have total control over it. However I was tired, the hiding, the lying, the caution over every word I said was too much and I wanted to let go. I wanted to start living my real life, not a fake life. I remember feeling this is it, here I go, stepping into my new life. I just read on my post the part where I closed my eyes, truthfully because it was so overwhelming I felt a little dizzy, I closed my eyes when he asked me if I was gay, paused and said yes. It felt great, no matter what happened after, it felt great. ____________________________________________. The rest as they say is history, oddly enough it turns out that my gay life is pretty much exactly like my fake straight life only I get to date men and talk about penises from time to time, instead of racks and vjay jays, (racks are what straight men call breasts these days), other than that my self discovery has shown me that I am pretty dull either way lol, I'm okay with that. It's interesting to me that when I read the comments from way back then, the people often said that the day will come when I no longer think about being gay, that is pretty much how it is now. It's still a process, I am not Mr all around gay guy, I don't want to put out that false portrayal, I still have my days, I still moan about it sometimes but it's no where near the bad old days.______________________________________________. Tomorrow is the pride parade, I may go, I may not, it is gay season after all. Yes I said gay season, the time of year when in cities throughout North America, GLBT people come out to bloom and flower in all sorts of beautiful colours and costumes, swaying and dancing spreading fun, happiness and glitter. This heralds the arrival of fall, so get out there and be fabulous!

The Truth About My Blogging.

The truth about blogging is that it's not really good for me, if I'm blogging, I'm not connecting with people in the real world. Part of the reason I had stopped blogging before was due to moving out into the country but also it was due to being in a relationship and the circle of friends that relationship gave me. I am not saying blogging is the problem, it's the symptom of a poor social life on my part. I don't think this is the same for everyone, I have noticed that many of you blog and have a full life, I guess it's a quark of mine. I disconnect, get lonely, then try to connect on line, typical for me to take an easy way out on making friends. Friends in the real world take effort, and sometimes it's easier to let those relationships slide. ............................................Sooner or later I need to connect with real people. No man is an island, or so they say, I am also introverted so that can be a problem, not so introverted that I can't meet people but introverts often don't need as much connection as the general population do. Suddenly we can find ourselves disconnected, people may mistake us as unfriendly or cold but as is my case. I love people, however I can feel overwhelmed and I need downtime to recharge. ...................................... One big mistake that I need to not make again was that I lost custody of my new gay friends to my ex, they were his friends before he met me so it was less awkward to just cut ties. All my friends now are straight or lesbians, so there is a part of me that feels empty. I am trying to get myself back out there but.... well notice I'm blogging again tonight, lol.

O hot! O man! O dor?

Have you ever been out somewhere and you can't keep your eyes off of a particular guy. It could be a party, at the beach or even while shopping. Maybe they are not the best looking guy in the world but there is just something about him that pushes all the correct buttons, you feel that little shock in your stomach every time he walks near you. Now did that same guy ever do something that completely snapped you out of your lust trance. .............................................. Living in the country I often attend functions that are mostly male, lots and lots of cute farmers and country lads. Also I have to add, lots and lots of men who have spent too many hours sitting on their tractors and eating too much. The pot belly crowd, very much in fashion in the country. Anyway back to the cute ones. I happened to be at an auction and I noticed this really handsome young farmer. Tall blond, blue eyed, spoke french which is what probably gave him a good natural tan. True French Canadians have a little native blood in their ancestry, which often gives them a healthy tan in summer even if they have blond or red hair. Making for one fine looking young farmer with a sexy French accent. I was taken by this guy, couldn't help notice how his shirt would cling to his chest, his very well defined chest, made my day. ............................................. The auction finally came to an end and I went to pay for my purchases. My heart jumped when I stepped in line and who was in front of me but Mr. hottie guy! Oh so dreamy, so handsome, so, so, ummm so? Wait, what the heck is that awful smell? It's not the animals, I didn't step in anything, it's gross. I suddenly realized with horror, it's hottie guy! If you can imagine the sound of breaks screeching to a halt, is what I heard in my head regarding my attraction to him. ............................................ Yes he had been sweating a bit but that wasn't it. This was like a bad feet smell, but it wasn't his feet, it was his whole body, he was clean so it wasn't that he forgot to shower, and no, it wasn't a regular foot smell like you foot fetish people probably would enjoy (lol), it was a rotting sneakers soaked in cabbage with a hint of eau de deceased squirrel kind of smell. Fantasy destroyed, I stepped out of line letting others who were in a hurry go before me. Hopefully he gets a wife, or husband who corrects this little problem, since he was well dressed and clean cut I imagine appearances etc mean something to him, so he would probably actually be embarrassed if he knew about it. I am sure he is a really nice (although smelly) guy.

Life's Plan, Not Your Plan.

If there is anything that I have learned as I get older, it's that life will take you in directions that you did not prepare for. I think back to when my sister and I were in our mid twenties, how we used to put forward scenarios of what could happen to our parents, where we would be living, what kind of jobs we would be doing. Then we would have these perfect responses, solve all dilemmas and move on with our perfectly organised world. Boy, young people have no idea of the way life can be like a runaway train. ..................................... We used to believe that if Dad died first, mom being independent, would move to the city and travel to see her sisters living in other parts of the country. We felt she would probably volunteer for a hospital, she would want to remain active. We never really worried about her, she would age fine. Dad on the other hand, we worried about, without mom he would probably spend the rest of his days eating bacon, pies and cookies. He would be lost without her, a traditional farmer, he handled everything outside but not a lot inside the house. For years we teased him about the time he cooked a frozen pizza.... upside down. T.v. dinners were no better, he figured if it took 45 minutes at 300 degrees then 450 should give you a dinner in 25 or so minutes. Resulting in burned on the outside, frozen on the inside, yum. ................................... I thought I would be a total city man, I hated the farm growing up, the isolation, the hardships and feeling like the only gay guy in the world. I loved the animals but I couldn't wait to get to the bright lights of the big city. My sister on the other hand was a total country girl, she loved horses, dogs, nature and always said she wanted to be a vet with her own small ranch. ............................................ Fast forward to the beginning of our real life. Mom the strongest one of the family began to show signs of memory loss, confusion and change in personality. Dad and sis at first denied it but soon there was no mistaking what was happening. My Dad said he would quit farming, sell everything, so he could spend his full time taking care of mom for as long as he could. We began to talk about this step, when life stepped in again and killed Dad with cancer, one day he was this strong farmer doing his normal routine and suddenly ten weeks later, I was standing at his graveside saying goodbye. ...................................... Well here we are now, all these years later. There will be no trips for mom, no little volunteer job to fill her time, we can only hope she will be happy where we place her. Dad is gone but we didn't think this soon, it didn't fit our plan, we were supposed to lose him in his eighties not early seventies. My sister works in a government type job, is counting the years until retirement and bought a house in the city, she renovated it so that she can remain there until well into her old age. She said there will be no ranch, no horse, this is her life now, she enjoys all that the city has to offer. I returned to the farm when Dad became ill and have remained here since. Oddly enough, I have started to enjoy the country more the older I get. The slower pace, the peace, quite and frankly the lower population appeals to the cranking old man in me. The thing that strikes me the most ironic, is after mom is placed, I will be alone here on the farm, the person who wanted to leave the most, will be the last to leave. ........................................ Life's plan looks nothing like the plan of those young people or the plan that my parents had for themselves. The scary thing is that this runaway train has not gone off the rails, its still barreling down the tracks and I fear what it has in store for us around the bend. Clearly life is in control of where we end up, some of us get lucky and the plans match, however be prepared for you never know what life is about to throw at you.

Stevosexuality

I am starting to understand that sexuality is tailored made to each individual, there is no cookie cutter set of rules. I really get tired of people trying to label everyone. Even if I say that I'm gay, my version of gay is not the same as many other gay men. A few days ago I happened to read posts on other sites that really irritated me. The basic rant was that gay men who are after masculine type men, were supposedly being hypocrites. Somehow they were not true to the gay cause. If you wanted a masculine boyfriend, you were branded a self hater. ......................... To each his own I say. I am attracted to masculine men. Some say "straight acting" but I don't like that choice of phrase, I can see the label problem there. If a guy plays hockey and does construction all week, is that not just another form of gay acting lol. I think my version of "gay" is not a cop out, to me it makes a lot more sense than dating a guy in a dress. I have zero attraction to the feminine side of humanity so I want my guy to be a typical guy. Otherwise I would think if I were dating a man who dresses and looks like a woman, why wouldn't I date the real thing. This is however "my" view of sexual attraction based on my sexuality or my sexual viewpoint and I never would try to push it on others. .................................. A person would think that by this stage in life, I would be fully aware of what I am sexually attracted to, that is why I was so surprised by something I learned about myself last winter. I was reading about transgender people, I have no attraction to men going through this transition, in fact I have said this before that I am uneasy around guys in drag etc. It's not an awkward sexual thing, it has more to do with the feeling that someone is hiding their identity from me................................. I was looking at pictures of trans people when I happened to see women who were well on their way to becoming men. Some only used hormones and did not want surgery. I was shocked to realize that I was very attracted to these men. Even more shocking to me is I would absolutely date a person like these guys and it wouldn't bother me in the least if they never had the surgery, I guess it shows me that I am attracted to the person as a whole and that I don't identify a person by their genitals, I am not trying to sound crude. I am just trying to explain this attraction, to me, they were men, handsome men. I have also noted that these men seem to draw more hostility and often from groups that should be supportive. ......................... I am lucky I think that one of my huge attractions is towards the average joe type of man, so I have a huge pool of guys to pick from. The fact that I don't try is for more soul searching, but that is for a different post. I hope that one day people can understand that we can't impose our attractions onto others, square pegs in round holes type thing, that we just let whoever date whoever. Sexuality, tailor made for me and you.

The Fab Four..... bloggers.

Friday I was able to do something I always wanted to do, that was to meet some fellow bloggers. Since Michael of the world famous Spo-reflections was coming to this city, I asked him to meet with me. He responded in what at first I thought was some type of clever banter that was flying over my head. He was saying I would get to meet "someone, Willy or won't he and Larry Muffin". As much as I love muffins I was wondering if this was gay blogger code for something. Suddenly it dawned on my thick brain these were other bloggers. ................................... I was a little nervous that day, okay a lot nervous, I am kind of introverted and it's hard enough for me to meet with one person. I was hoping I wouldn't freeze up, stare at the floor, blanking out not being able to say anything. As the restaurant rolled out the red carpet, the paparazzi flashing cameras went wild when Michael's limo pulled up. Well that's how it went in my head all day, what actually happened was I walked up to them and asked if I was well over four feet. ..................................... It went well (I thought) and the bonus for me was meeting fellow bloggers in this city plus the man that stole Dr. Spo's heart. Time flew by fast and next thing I was saying goodbye. Maybe the only drawback was Michael made fun of Tim Hortons but luckily no one in the bar overheard him, a great sin in Canada to speak against Tim's. I got what I think is possible the best hug I have ever received in my life, so all is forgiven lol. This darn not so smart phone will not let me link to the other blogs, sorry guys if you see this. I will get you on my blog roll.

From There to Here.

How did I get here, to a place where I sometimes have to remind myself that I am into guys. I have those moments of "oh yeah" I almost forgot. Compared to obsessing over it at one point and being truly homophobic to the actual definition of the word. Don't get me wrong, it's still a journey for me but I'm okay with it now. ....................................... One of the stepping stones that I can't express enough administration for, was the blogosphere. I know blogs are fading away and being replaced by the latest and greatest but for a moment in time, they were a connecting link for people struggling to come out. People don't blog anymore, actually I don't think people come out anymore, seems now that they just start dating and show up with whichever partner they are attracted to. ....darn this smartphone won't let me use paragraphs........ Anyway I have a lot of gratitude for bloggers who helped me get comfortable in my skin, helped me move ahead to actually being gay. Most of all for the first time in my life, this gave me the opportunity to fall in love with a great man, a life experience I was terrified that I would miss out on. Of course love went flying off the rails years later but I will not go there now. ....................... It started with the blog Inside Stephen, that guy was my first sounding board, then I found a whole world of bloggers, Matt of Matter days, Scott in Iowa, three or four guys named Joe, a few Stevens, Patrick in New York, Brad southern expressions and on and on. Some I began to talk to, my best buddy John of Open a Window and not to forget David of David's tangled thoughts. I really miss the early blogs and wonder what they are up to now. I made a lot of connections as time went on, too many to list but I remember you if you see this. ...................... So I think this is my long way around to saying that I am going to get to meet four bloggers on Friday. Yup and this smartphone is not letting me put the links up, drat! One of the early blogs I used to follow was Ur-Spo, so I am really happy to get to meet Michael who writes the blog, not that the other gentlemen don't count lol, just for me there is that connection to my stumbling out of the closet. I think this is one of those bucket list items, meet other bloggers. Hope I don't say anything stupid.

Mistaken Life.

The other day, one of my blog buddies asked me if I ever get the feeling that I should be doing something different with my life. The truth is I always feel that I have taken the wrong path, actually to correct that statement, I "know" that I have taken the wrong path. I am notorious for taking the easy way out. I am also one of those people who can see how choices will play out in the future, but fail to do the correct thing. Dare I say this but, in a few more years I will turn fifty. How the blank blank did that happen! That scares the bleep out of me. I have this gnawing sense of time running out, and the sense of wasting my life, holding back, none ambitious. Too many times I sold myself short, criticized myself to the point of being my worst enemy. ..................... I think of the Robert Frost poem, "The Road Not Taken". I am sure many of you are familiar with this poem, it was often studied in high school. A man stops at a fork in the road and contemplates his path in life, thinking of the "what if", what if he had decided to take a different path. I remember not really understanding the man's dilemma, youth can't relate to a life timeline, however I do remember thinking that I hoped to not feel that way when I was older. Unfortunately I do, I feel I made the wrong choices, some at the time I thought I was doing the right thing but now I see it was the easier thing. I am doing the wrong thing with my life, I am living in the wrong place, I am not where I should be relationship wise, I have made the wrong choices in letting connections go. It scares me to know that to get where I should be, I will have to start all over again and truthfully..... I don't have the energy anymore.

Stepping out onto the pages.

Step out onto the pages of your book, you younger generation, this is your time. You are able to live your life on your terms, you don't have to be stereotyped into a box that fits what people think a gay person should be, look like, act like. Frankly your straight friends don't care and probably don't think about it much. ................... I said in my last post, that I used to write this fantasy world in my head, where gay people lived just like straight people, and folks just accepted it as is. I certainly never dreamed that it would happen one day. There is no longer a need to fantasize, fiction has become real life, I need to figure out how to write my own story now. ........................ I was watching The Big Bang Theory one night and the story line was that since most of the characters were nerds, they missed their high school proms. So they held one for themselves. Gave me an idea, I think it would be fun to hold a prom for older gay people, play the music of your youth, even try to dress up like the time period of your high school years. I know I will never do it but if I can put the bug in the right person's ear, who knows. How much more gay could a prom for the seventies or eighties get. ................. I am going to change the path of this blog soon, just to let my three readers know. When I read my statement of coming out, I feel been there done that. I think it's why I am not connecting with my posts. Since this is my therapy session, everyday life issues are what keeps my little mind occupied and also bubbling with anxiety. I still will mention gay issues but I want to be expressing other issues as well.

Like the cool kids.

I wish I was more like the cool kids, cause all the cool kids, they seem to get it. This song sometimes plays on my car radio traveling to work in the morning. Funny how quick something can send us back, that is, back to a time when most of us felt awkward and out of place in the world. Back to a time when cool was spelt with a "c" and not kool, or I think now its kewl, how old I am beginning to feel these days. I like the way we can hear the pain in the singer's voice, the torture of being a teen is expressed and it makes me feel a little sad for the kids in that stage of life.................................. . There was that added bonus of being a gay teen, add a little tortured soul with an extra heap of confusion, anxiety and self loathing. Yes those were the good old days. I think one of the hardest things was when I would develop a crush on a guy, and realize that it was never going to happen. I hated being at a dance and seeing my male friends so interested in girls, it was foreign to me, I understood the why, I just hated not having the same feelings. .......................................... I have a strong image in my head of one particular dance, my Dad came to pick me up and as I got into the back seat, he got out of the car and went over to talk to another parent. While waiting for him, I noticed the wind blowing open the curtains of the school gym where the dance was. Inside I could see my friends, especially one certain guy I had a huge crush on, he was dancing with a girl, he hated dancing but was doing it to impress her. I remember feeling sick in my stomach, as if I caught him cheating on me. I wanted that to be me he was dancing with. Later that night, I was distraught, why had God, nature or whatever, played such a cruel joke on me. ............................. To cope I started to imagine a fantasy world, where people could date who they wanted, where one of my friends would walk up to me with a stupid grin and ask me to go to the prom, dance, dinner or date with him, where people didn't care who you dated as long as they were good to you. This world, in my head I felt, would never happen, things would never change that much. If only people would get to know us, they would see how normal we are, not some sort of sex fiend as some tried to make us out to be, is what I always felt. ................................... How odd that this memory comes flooding back, odd because it happens as one of my close friends is telling me about how excited her nephew was, it seems that the boy he really likes, said yes and went to the prom with him. How awesome was that last line I just wrote. This is now something quite common, there was even the news story about the straight boy asking his gay friend to the prom, so that he would have someone to take and not miss out. .......................................It hurts though, that I missed it by a generation or two, that the boy waiting inside the car had to live a separate, secret and very lonely adolescence, different from all his friends, when all he wanted was to be just like them. I think how strong a lot of us must have been to work through that garbage. I know there is no point in going back over the past, I am just in a reflective mood. It also has to do with where I want to take this blog, I want to change the purpose of it, so working out the bugs, well the bugs in my head that is.

Dear John, yes that's you John!

My blog friendship with a certain blogger is high priority, so since he is having trouble with his email, I am using my blog to get a message to him. Anyway, there are only about three people who read this lol. John, my email address that you usually use to get me, is the same email address that is in my profile on this blog. Now hurry up and get it fixed!

Shhh.

Shhh, hey Americans what is with all the noise down there? Lower the volume will you, there is enough racket that a person would think it was the fourth of July or something. Oh..... yeah..... that's right, it is, okay carry on then!

Closed for Canada day eh!

The staff at soothisisme would like to wish you a happy Canada day and inform you we are closed for the holiday. Of course we are not very good at keeping the blog up most other days either. Even worse you probably stumbled on here by accident, yes this is a gay themed blog but there are no nude male pics here. You want those other blogs. Now go bbq, wave the red maple leaf and set off fireworks. I should probably also mention that I personally have no problem with nude male pictures, you know, just in case I offended a photographer or model etc.

Encore! Encore!

Since I blogged about how surprisingly awesome it was that Ireland allowed gay marriage, I better mention how, happy, relieved, surprised I am that the neighbors to the south did the same as well. I thought the religious right would prevent it, so I was really shocked to suddenly hear marriage was now an option for gay people. Plus, how inclusive could American culture get, to have a black president come out to announce a gay marriage law and do it in a respective, reflective and positive light. Really, if I told you ten years ago this would happen, would you have believed me? No, you would have thought I was a naive Canadian who knew zip about the U.S. Most of all, I really have a soft spot for my fellow bloggers and so I was excited that this step towards being fully included into society was given to my Yankee doodle blog buddies. I think the best way to end this post is to quote a great line I heard on a news cast, "remember this is no longer gay marriage, it's just marriage for two people who love each other".