Wednesday, January 31, 2018

The Half Mental Kid.

The title to this post may seem hurtful, because it is hurtful. Imagine being the child that phrase is said to. Today in Canada we are having "lets talk day. It's a day where people are encouraged to talk about mental illness, either their own illness or about how it affects someone close to them. It's a way to remove the shame many people feel who suffer from some form of mental illness. Just like when people from all walks of life started coming out as members of the LGBTQ community, many people from different parts of society are coming forward to admit they have suffered or are suffering from some type of mental illness. People are now finally realizing it is just an illness, you wouldn't feel ashamed for getting pneumonia or cancer, you shouldn't feel shame about this.

I find there are times when I have to watch that I don't let darkness creep in. Lonely dark winter days that can isolate or make a person feel isolated, are the most dangerous. I have seen the effects of depression and other forms of illness on friends, to be honest it really scares me. I can't stand not being in control so the thought of an illness that takes away control and delivers chaos, is frightening to me.

I was thinking that I'm lucky I have not had to deal with mental illness. Suddenly I realized that is not true. I had a lot of anxiety as a child, I worried about everything, I was afraid of everything. I think my parents realized something was wrong but were not sure what. I remember having to go to a psychologist, I remember being told to keep that hidden, I remember my dad and older sister thinking that I just needed to "smart'n up". I knew my thoughts were not normal for a kid and wished they would just go away but I didn't know how. I wished that I could just be like all the other kids, I did not fit in at school. I remember my father saying things like "what is wrong with you, it's like your half mental", he often used that term. I don't hold that against him, he gave me a secure life and he just didn't know any better at the time.

I also remember why I almost never take medication for anything. I was given something to help me, some sort of medication, it was orange and had a great taste. The trouble I found was after a while it wouldn't help, so then I would have to take double. The other thing I found was I felt calmer after taking it but then hours later I felt like crying all the time. Like many children, I learned fast to fake being better, I didn't know what that medication was but I felt it was something to be avoided.

One final thing I want to talk about is how kids can hide stuff from their parents. I never talk about this but my parents have no idea how ill I could be at times. I was terrified of my father and hiding everything from him was goal number one. At a young age I developed some sort of bizarre eating disorder, I had heard a story of a child choking to death just from eating her lunch. My brain focused in on this and I developed a fear of choking to death. No one ever knew I stopped eating, adults rushing around in their day to day lives would never suspect a child going to great lengths to hide this. This obsession with not eating would last for months at a time. For weeks I would survive on chocolate milk and soup. I would take food but slip it to the dogs after, no one noticed. The last time it happened I was probably thirteen just turning fourteen, I never told a soul until last year, I mentioned some of this to my sister but I could see she didn't grasp what I was trying to say. To this day, I feel that I affected my growth rate, I feel that is why my frame is so small compared to other guys. Well that's my story.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

The stuff of nightmares.

Gay people need to keep in mind the dangers of meeting strangers for sex. I guess if I'm writing a gay-ish blog, then I need to include the dark side. Especially men who are into the rougher, no strings hook ups with people they just met.

I am talking about what is being uncovered in the Toronto area. They arrested a 66 year old gay man who they suspect now of being a serial killer. They have the remains of five men so far, it gets worse. He runs a landscape business and they are finding body parts buried in the large planters of his customers, police are asking anyone who used him as a landscaper to come forward, as you may have someone buried on your property and not know it. They suspect there could be many more than already found. I can think of times where gay men from Ottawa went missing and as far as I know, no trace was ever found.

This guy was the perfect predator, had his own business, took part in a fundraiser, met gay friends on line, even worked as a Santa Claus for Christmas..... chills, chills, chills! He had a thing for mostly middle eastern men but also targeted homeless men, I imagine because missing immigrants and homeless men would not be noticed. I can't help thinking that some of the gay middle eastern men moved to Canada out of fear for their safety, only to be killed in such a horrible way here, makes me sick and so sad. The final chilling thing was when the police kicked down the door to arrest "it", he had a young man tied up. Imagine how that guy feels now, thinking he was going to have a kinky even of fun, only to learn he was tied up by a serial killer.

I hope gay men (or anyone actually), take a step back and plan things out better when meeting someone new, especially meeting someone online. This should be a warning, you don't know what you are getting into. There definitely is a huge part of the gay culture that likes to practice risky behaviors or a mixing of pain and pleasure. I am not judging those people, that is not my thing but if they are having fun, not my business, I'm just saying take care, be cautious. From some of what I understand though, he may have met with and became friends with, some of these guys. That frightens me most of all, because if someone makes friends with me, seems like a normal guy, plays Santa and runs a business dealing with clients I don't think I would have seen the danger coming either!

I hope later on there is a review on how the police handle this investigation. I am not mentioning "its" name here on my blog but if you want to read more about the investigation, search (Toronto gay serial killer).

Monday, January 29, 2018

Super Blue Blood Moon.

Speaking of full moons, meaning I'm talking about the real moon, (not bare bums). This week we are supposed to have a rare event on January 31st. It's supposed to be a super moon because the moon is at its closest point to earth, a blue moon because there will be two full moons in January and also a blood moon because there will be a lunar eclipse causing the moon to appear red. The blood moon is supposed to happen in the morning, just before the moon sets, so some people may get to see it while eating breakfast or traveling to work. Hopefully it will be a clear night, I missed the last super moon and want to see this one. I read where this trifecta has not happened since 1866. This will clearly signal the beginning of armageddon, or should I say ARMAGEDDON!!!! Also known to rational people as "the day when something kinda cool happens but I will probably forget to watch".

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Full moon under the full moon.

The question of the day is, do you sleep in the buff, birthday suit, nude, naked, bare bottom, you get my drift. The other day at work a young father of two, was talking about how he and his wife spent the weekend in a nice hotel to celebrate the success of his recent vasectomy. With a twinkle in his eye, he hinted at it being like a second honeymoon. He was embarrassed because he didn't know his wife had ordered breakfast in bed, the waiters came in while he was still sleeping and his wife was in the shower. That's when he said that he always sleeps with nothing on and was hoping the blanket was at least covering key areas. If you are wondering, yes he's very cute and works out to stay in shape, so..... lucky waiters. Like most of the younger generation these days, he gives too much personal information, a little too open. He told everyone about his procedure so I said that he missed an opportunity to talk about his vasectomy, he could have shown the waiters his scar and everything.

Most of the other guys said they never wear anything to bed either, they said it in such a determined way, it was almost a sacred belief to them. Many said that it was the only way they can sleep. I have noticed this with a lot of straight guys, actually most of my straight male friends and coworkers, say they sleep in the nude. I wonder if that is a straight guy thing or just a guy thing. I wonder because I am the complete opposite, wearing clothes to bed makes me feel secure and I need that to fall asleep. I tried back in my thirties to be like other guys and sleep in the buff. The results were me constantly waking up, after a couple of months I gave up. Both my ex boyfriends were like me, at least a t-shirt and lounge or jogging pants. At the moment with winter happening, it's boxers with jogging pants on top, t-shirt with sweatshirt over, lots of blankets, no socks so far this year but if it gets any colder I am going to wear mitts and maybe even a scarf, as long as it doesn't strangle me in the night!

I asked some of my gay friends and they said they wear pj's to bed. That makes me wonder, is sleeping in the nude an alpha male thing that mostly straight guys try or do I need to find more erotic gay friends. I remember coworkers once teasing me about this, I turned to this really quiet, shy, religious young guy and asked him to back me up. He turned beet red and I knew in that second that he was another sleep streaker, he confessed and I had naughty images appear suddenly in my head. Actually most of the guys gave me naughty images in my head when they talked about themselves lying in bed nude. Anyway with temperatures well below freezing, I don't want to have to run outside suddenly with nothing but my birthday suit, the shrinkage would be gender changing.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Sex in a barn.

Sex in a barn, wouldn't that make a good name for a drink? Something with a little vodka in it and you fill in the rest. I guess you could use it as the name of a band but I think it fits with a drink name better. Now that I have the attention of you perverts, including all the sweet little old ladies who rushed over from John's blog, sex in a barn is a non starter with me.

Sooner or later, whenever someone finds out I live on a farm, they always whisper, "so ever have sex in the barn"? Let me be clear "NO"! No, no, no! Then they always look at me puzzled, "why not"? Neeeever going to happen. I always tell them that they are watching too much porn. A real barn is nothing like a studio with a few hay bales, a pitchfork and hot bodies wearing perfectly clean coveralls. If you're going into a barn to play farmer, (hey sexy, this time I'll be the milkmaid and you be the cow) you better not, be a germophobe, have allergies, hay fever, arachnophobia, (especially arachnophobia) or fear of any bugs for that matter. You better be okay with dust, more dust and smells, this time you can blame the letting off of gas on the animals and you probably would get away with it. You should also remember that the mice are much more afraid of you, than you are of them and luckily the bats usually don't come out until after dark, cue the porn music!

Even when I had my beneficial friend, he said that he wanted to try sex in a barn, I said no, he asked why. I'll tell you why, because when I go to work, I release the chickens to run around free in the safety of the buildings. The first thing a chicken does is get up on things, the second thing a chicken does is poop on whatever it just got up on. Seriously do you want me to lay you back half naked into that? I think the reality would probably kill the mood of the fantasy pretty quickly. Some of my co-workers then wondered about just the hay loft, again people it's hay, dusty, picky hay and not a bed with silk sheets. One of them asked me if I thought anyone ever at least had sex in the hay loft, the answer to that question is yes, I know that did happened.... for.... sure.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018


Over these past years while blogging, I have had the pleasure of communicating with fellow bloggers. It was almost a bonding experience, especially in the earlier days when many of us were mentally preparing ourselves to come out. I often found myself worrying about and feeling sorry for, gay men under huge amounts of stress because they lived in ultra religious areas. Mostly they had family and friends who were evangelical.

I think gay people in those areas can release themselves of any guilt they feel has been placed upon them. The evangelical portion of Christianity, particularly in the states has become so hypocritical with their messages, so phony that it is beyond laughable. Many of the statements their leaders come out with are like a comedy sketch, the views are so uninformed and embarrassingly ignorant. I think they have such an obsession with their ideology that they would align themselves with Hitler if it helped their agenda. Gay people should now see that for these religious nuts, living a strict life according to the bible, is very much "do as I say, not as I do". Really enough is enough, they can go screw themselves, these religious zealots are still pissed about losing the argument whether the earth is flat or not, as far as I know a ship has never tipped over the edge. LGBTQ people have to realize that you can't argue with stupid. They are clinging to a viewpoint that is irrelevant, hopefully one day that viewpoint will become extinct, just like the dinosaurs that they say is a hoax and never existed!

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Still Garbage.

It has been revealed this week that the gay community in Toronto has been right all along. That their friends and community members who have been going missing were prey of a serial killer. Despite members trying to raise the alarm, the police kept assuring them it was all in their dramatic gay heads. I mean after all, they were talking about gay men and we all know how emotionally scatter brained we can be. It is very common apparently for us to leave behind family, friends, pets and work so that we can just run off to have sex somewhere for months without telling anyone. They are saying up to five people have been murdered and maybe more. I may have misunderstood the reports last night but from what I got out of the news story, was that the police were investigating a suspect for serial killings, yet didn't think they needed to alert the gay community. It is 2018 and in spite of the many advances the LGBTQ community has been making, it is really hurtful when you realize that law enforcement still see us as less important than the straight community. Homeless people, LGBTQ people, Native people, drug addicts and prostitutes, all garbage to be shoved to the side and only picked through when they have time for us.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Game Changer.

I was thinking about past events, reviewing my life and thinking about how I had reached certain points in it, good or bad and the moments that lead me to each. The word game changer came to mind. Do you ever think about moments in life, that started you in a direction and caused, not a chain reaction but more like a treadmill of moments to get you to where you are now. I can think of certain moments when I feel life changed for me. The first being friends that I lived with, they helped me realize that mistakes are made by everyone, it's just part of learning and they helped quiet the voice droning on and on in my head about how useless I thought I was.

The next would be when a very cold micromanaging ice queen of a boss encouraged me to become a supervisor at work, at first I didn't want to do it but I always believed that you should never turn down an opportunity. The supervisor position, with a lot of good guidance by different people, really changed me, it brought me out of my shell to the point where I felt that I was the only one who could give my dad a proper eulogy when he died.

Getting the internet would be another one for sure. Most people couldn't imagine not having it these days but at the time I got it, the internet was still a luxury item, like buying video games or having a new gadget called a cellphone (lol). The internet gave me the tools to start coming out and actually helped me meet other gay people, online and in the real world. Mostly though it was a huge part in my coming out to close friends and family.

The next big moment was buying my car. I hated driving and put off getting a car until in my thirties. However I started feeling trapped all the time from relying on busses and asking for rides, especially trying to travel back and forth to my parents, I suddenly had a strong urge to get a car. I can remember the feeling of driving it off the lot for the first time. I had this total sense of freedom, I knew this would charge things for me, I even said something as I drove away along those lines. I have met many new people and have been involved in events that would never be open to me before. I have only taken a bus once since buying my first car and have never traveled any great distance with any other driver since. I wouldn't go back to not having a car, I feel it opened the world up to me.

Sadly losing my job was a game changer but oddly enough not all bad. In the future, I would never have as good of a job as that one but it gave me a bit of time to start exploring who I was. It also gave me the free time to come home when my father became ill and then take a job closer to home.

My next game changer was of course dating Dan. It is not just about the fact that we dated, I say that because I had dated Billy earlier in my life and even though I have good memories of that time, nothing really changed for me as a result of that relationship. Dan showed me what being in love felt like and even though things didn't work out, that is a life experience I would never trade away. More importantly however; he showed me how to live life as a gay man, he helped me feel a lot more comfortable about being gay. He showed me what it is like to date a closet chief and what gaining weight means for the first time ever! He introduced me to a current friend and also started me into some hobbies I have always been interested in. Unfortunately he also let me know what a broken heart feels like.

The final game changer was the death of my father. He went from what seemed like a strong, healthy and mentally sharp older man, to his deathbed in a matter of weeks. Nothing has been the same since, losing him just as mom was showing signs of Alzheimer's was a blow to the family. Rightly or wrongly, I made the choice of taking care of her, it was not all a sacrifice on my part, I was able to return to the farm and for the first few years I enjoyed the slower pace of the countryside, nature, wildlife, reconnecting with old friends etc. Her health was good and in the beginning, she just needed someone to keep her on track but could pretty much function throughout her day with little notes and gentle reminders. Until the day when I could no longer give her the proper care she needed.

Now comes the next game changer and it's going to be a huge one. I need to sell the farm which will destroy me. It's a necessary step however and must be done, it's very isolated here and I'm not getting any younger. I need to leave this place and try to restart my life because lately I no longer feel like I'm truly living, I feel like I'm just filling in time.

Friday, January 12, 2018

The Visit.

Spring came to visit, I suppose she sensed our feelings of desperation and hopelessness. She dropped in suddenly, I would never have believed you if you told me such a tale three days ago. With temperatures in the minus insane regions, freezing our nostrils together and beating weather reports from the arctic, it seemed impossible to me. Yesterday however; it began to warm up in the evening, a steady warm rain started just before dark but I didn't think anything of it. This morning as I pulled up the blind to my bedroom window, I stood dumbfounded. There before me was empty brown fields, no snow, no ice, no icicles hanging from the roof. I quickly got dressed and went outside, it was warm and had that early spring smell to it. "I didn't know you were really coming" I said to her, sometimes the news will say warmer weather but it usually doesn't happen like this. "Did you miss me" she asked, I wanted to say something but she said, "now hurry and enjoy your day, this is only a short visit to let you mentally recharge". I did enjoy the day, there was a lot I wanted to do outside without the worry of freezing fingers, snow down my boots or chills up my spine. First though I ran to release the animals, your free, your free I laughed as they ran out. Even the wild birds were chirping in such an excited way, that they made me think of little kids giggling. It seemed unreal, I was moving stuff around with my wheelbarrow where only twenty four hours ago, I would have been up to my knees in snow. January thaws do happen, I don't however remember any being this dramatic so I'm not sure if it's just the common occurrence or something worse. There was a light south wind, then for about an hour everything was really calm, watching the chickens picking through the grass it was almost hard to believe winter even existed let alone just a day ago, maybe it's still October and I only dreamt we had winter. .............................................. "I have to go now" spring looked a little sad, she said her work was done for today, she told me no matter how bleak winter appeared, that she would be back soon enough and to hold on to thoughts of warmer days. Suddenly she faded, they had warned of flash freezing. There was a sound like a train coming and I realized it was the north wind, it hit the buildings and all the doors started slamming shut, the animals had already come in, the outdoor thermometer was dropping like an elevator. In about half an hour it dropped ten degrees. Winter was pissed, we are not on speaking terms, I don't like winter, it immediately hit hard with stinging sleet and then started snowing like crazy! As of now everything is covered with snow again, the temperature is dropping well below freezing, they are asking people to stay off the roads. I don't care though, a visit from spring was just what I needed.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

What a novel idea!

Do you have a novel in your head? I know from reading other blogs, some of you are very capable of writing one but do you have a story in your head that is all your own? One that is just for you, it will probably never be revealed in the real world. You spend quiet time writing and rewriting it over and over in your head, some may call it daydreaming, but deep down inside you know this is different, it has a definite form. .............................................'...... I do venture into storyland, as of now I only have two stories left, the others have faded out over time. Most have disappeared from memory because they were often love stories between two guys, something the world wasn't creating when I was younger, now they are no longer needed. I'm definitely not saying that I think I am capable of writing a novel, I know that I don't have that talent. Still I have two stories that I often play in my head. I have certain scenes that I like to repeat, they give me strong feelings and I often rework them to extract just the right amount of emotions, it's a little bit of a high to be honest. I wonder if other people do this as well, it's my form of escape. The two that are left have been with me for many years. One story has a gay lead character but strangely the other has a straight leading male character, I have thought about changing this but "my muse" will not allow such tampering with the gift whispered in my ear. ............................................. Some of the earlier stories running through my head included people from my life; however not the remaining two, both are fiction fantasy type stories. I used to read a lot of books when I was young along the lines of Tolkien, David Eddings, The Dragon Lance series etc, so hence the settings. The story with the straight character is a bit complicated but I will share a little about the story with the gay character. ............................................. I wanted a love (yes romance) story featuring gay characters, at the time I dreamt this up, that just didn't exist as far as I knew. I wanted to create in my head a world where gay relationships were just as acceptable as straight relationships, it was unimaginable to me at the time, that one day this would come true. I wanted a twist to the story however and it came to me one evening while watching a program on arranged marriages. I thought what if you were a prince, in a fictional kingdom, in a fictional land, in a fictional time. Your oldest brother is to be king. To serve your family, it is your duty to let your marriage be arranged between you and a prince in a faraway kingdom, thus joining the two kingdoms as allies to each other. Then begins the story of the journey, the odd way in which the Prince meets his future husband, the royal gay wedding, the dark cloud in every story being the constant threat of war from one kingdom of religious zealots who think being gay is wrong, the couple being separated by battle, etc. I spent enough time in this kingdom that the King's accountants want to charge me with a royal tax. .............................................. Do you have a book in your brain?

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Hopeless romantic, that's me.

During the holidays I happened to turn on the tv and the movie Brooklyn was playing. I missed the first part but it was basically the story of an Irish girl moving to the US during the fifties. I was soon swept up in the romance of the characters, it was sweet, the shyness of characters, the innocence and the courtship of the couple. It made me think of my own parents, they would have actually started dating around this time in history, there would have been the same etiquette and protocols. I was having a mushy gay moment, then suddenly everything screeched to a slamming halt! The young woman needed to return to Ireland so the couple who could barely hold hands went back to her room and fucked, then they got married the next day and off she went to Ireland to immediately start dating another man while waiting to return to the States. Sorry for using the "f" word but I did it for dramatic effect, I was pissed. Congratulations Hollywood for ruining a good romance. They didn't go far enough, they should have developed her character to become an alcoholic, syphilis infected whore, who is found passed out in the gutter lying in her own vomit. ............................................... Funny sounding maybe, but I was greatly offended. The writers especially of today just would not understand or maybe not even believe the decency of many people during those times. Knowing now the filth that has been running the entertainment industry for years and realizing that it was actually a lot worse than I thought, I am not shocked. I can just see some creepy little director, lets get them to f¢*k and then hiding in a room somewhere rubbing himself. ............................................. I remember once talking with a married friend, we were talking about people having affairs and he was saying that he and his wife have a don't ask don't tell policy, that they hope each other doesn't stray but that they don't want to know if one of them does. He said he felt that his father probably had an affair when he was younger, then he asked about my parents. I laughed when he asked, he tried to say that you never know (which is true) but I went on to explain my parents. My parents never dressed in front of each other, if one parent needed to enter the washroom while the other was taking a shower or bath, they would wait until the bathing person covered themselves with towels. When younger they never kissed, hugged or held hands in front of other people including my sister and I, they felt that was a private moment that only they should experience. My mother could never understand why a woman would get married a second time, especially if she could no longer have a family. My dad would not be friends with a man who had an affair on his wife, he would be afraid of appearing as approving of the affair and that would taint him as well. He would only go to a male doctor, not because he thought a man was better than a woman but because it felt inappropriate for him to be around another woman in such a way. They were raised in a different time, I tried to explain to my friend, if they wouldn't sit down and talk to people of the opposite sex, if they wouldn't even undress in front of their own spouses, what would possess them to get naked with a stranger. I think now as well you can see why I never told my parents that I'm gay and I have absolutely no regrets about not telling them. I should also probably make it clear that they were not some type of religious nuts, just really decent people, their views also relaxed a lot as they got older. I guess what I'm ranting about here is that in the real world, romance did and still does exist.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

New Year, Old Year.

There is so much hype regarding the new year, I just don't really get it, probably a drawback from being too much of a realist. To me all the gums flapping about it being a clean slate, a fresh beginning or a new start, is an imaginary belief in my eyes. I don't get excited over New Year's day, to me it's just another day, in just another week, in just another month. It shouldn't matter if you started a diet yesterday, today or two months from now, if you're going to try to accomplish something, just do it when you are ready and not some made up starting point. I cringe when someone says Happy New Year, I know it's strange but I feel embarrassed when I have to say it back, to me it's pointless because we don't know what the next year will hold for us. It could be something happy, it could also be a devastating year for that person and life isn't going to change no matter what I say. I feel like I'm pretending so as not to hurt people with reality, okay I will make believe that Harry Potter waved his magic wand and the world is a different place today, compared to Sunday. Then again toasting in the new year is a good idea, a drink or two with friends to start things off never hurt anyone and since the tradition isn't going to go away you might as well benefit from it, plus I did get a bunch of pretty calendars for free to put up.