Still Single?

Still single, that question never really bothered me before, now however it could be the beginning of a battle. I had the intention of not telling my parents about the whole guy on guy love thing between Dave and I, however living so close and interacting with people from back home all the time, I just don't see how I can avoid telling them. When I meet people they will always ask "still single" and what should I say. Do I say yes I'm still single to keep from opening that door, but if I do that I am lying about one of the most important things that is happening to me right now, one of the most important ever. I also feel like I am betraying Dave, betraying our love and I just don't feel like doing that. If I say no then of course will come all the questions!
"What is her name?"
"Dave."
"That is an unusual name for a girl!"
"Well she is a he, I'm into guys."
"Well does that mean you're gay?"
"Oh no no don't be silly, I just thought since I did not have a girl-friend at the moment and plus I already know what to do with a penis, I would date Dave until the right woman comes along."
"Do your parents know."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

This hiding my relationship from some people is starting to feel like being back in the closet, I don't see the point, I just want to be happy, why can't people just be happy for me. Christmas is becoming a hassle also, I'm not a huge Christmas fan as I think it is mostly for little kids, for adults I think we should just observe the religious part if you are a Christian and then get together for a good meal with family and friends. Dave would like me with him, my parents would be crushed if I did not spend it with them, even if they knew about us it is not like they would say "oh just bring your nice boyfriend honey, the more the merrier." That is the side that is starting to get to me, I don't feel I should be anywhere that Dave is not, I should be able to take him just like I could take a woman I was dating if I was straight.

Yesterday, a friend from high school lost her father, I have not spoken with her in years, if the weather clears up I was thinking of going to pay my respects. It is on my mind that people will ask and the thing is I don't want to lie, I don't want to cause a stir or do it to shock people but I want to be able to tell the truth when they ask "You still single" I want to be able to say "no I've met a really great guy".

One Moment In Time

This time last year I was totally frustrated, this time last year I felt the true me was bursting to get out. I no longer wanted to stay completely in the closet but was so afraid of what would happen. I had visions of people being angry with me, ashamed of me to the point of no longer wanting to associate with me. I felt and was so alone, scared, confused, people could be around me but still I felt as if I was in a vast desert with no one in sight for miles. I couldn't stand living this false straight life any longer, I was too tired to fight who I really was inside, the stories, the lies, the denials were all starting to fall apart and I could not take it any more. I wanted to tell at least one person I was gay, I wanted someone on this huge globe with billions of people to know the real me. I just could not get up the nerve and did not know how to get the sentence out. I could see the days passing me by and I was missing out on the many wonders of what being human was all about. I had never been in love, I had no one to share my life with and I had never really had a chance to take part in the every day gifts that being in a relationship brings.

One moment in time, one moment that changed the course of this ship. I had been wanting to tell my close friend Eric but I just could not do it. I felt so frustrated inside, over whelmed like trying to swim against a strong current. I had been so completely obsessed with hiding being gay, that I did not know any other way of life. One year ago tonight we were out for an evening and we bumped into a lesbian couple that I knew. At first I was afraid, he would talk about it after they left, he had started to notice that I never dated anyone, he might ask me questions and I did not want to talk about anything 'gay' as some anti-gay alarm might go off and the whole world would know I was gay also. He said he had no problem with gay people and then he asked, "what about you, are you gay"? One moment in time, in a split second my mind raced with how to answer. Do I say the usual "oh shut up I think you are gay" to pretend to laugh it off and change the subject. Do I finally take this opportunity and admit the truth, almost a gift handed to me as I will only be answering him. I was thinking if I say yes then there is no going back. Yes no yes no yes no, these two words were streaming through my mind at light speed. I almost felt dizzy, one moment, one moment in time, I closed my eyes and said... "yes".

A whole year now since I heard the first "click" of the closet door opening, a whole year since the weight on my shoulders began to fall away. For anyone out there in this process, my only regret so far is that I did not do it sooner. I remember feeling angry with blog writers who constantly said come out, that it is a type of freedom, however I see now they were right all along. Of course you have to do it in a smart way and choose the people who you first come out to but it is the right thing to do. I feel much happier and more relaxed with who I am and it may sound strange but I feel more 'honest' now around my friends, not like I am being dishonest by hiding something on them. One year ago today was my cross road, my moment where I decided a major change in my life and in that moment of time I am so glad I said the simple word "yes".

Outed, D'oh!

A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. The one reason that I had held back on telling my friend Elly about being gay, was not out of fear of her reaction, more a fear of loss of control over who knows and who does not know. She would never set out to hurt me, more like she would let things slip. Yesterday since a lot of my friends had asked to see a picture of Dave, I put a picture of us together on my Facebook site, yes I know I should never have joined Facebook but I did. Elly did not mean any harm and made a cute comment about us being together, however the picture of us and the comment then showed up on her site, she has a lot of people on her site that I would call poison as she is too kind to refuse the 'friend requests' of people that we really don't like or trust. Today it has been removed but I guess depending on who saw, the damage will already have been done. I am a private person and I like to keep personal things private, (well except on my blog, which does actually sound quite funny, however I trust all of you total strangers) my family is the same way whether gay or straight they like to keep to themselves. I don't mind my friends knowing things about me as I feel they earned my trust, they actually care about me and are part of my life so they are invited in. Others that have shown they can not be trusted I feel have no right in my business as I could care less about theirs.

I guess this was bound to happen as I come out more and more to people. I still think of myself as a closeted person and I want to remain partly that way for the time being, not hiding but low key. I am not afraid however, just annoyed. All I can do now is wait for the fallout and hope the thickness of most straight people when exposed to gay life comes into play and they do not catch on.

How Did I Get Here?

Last week Dave and I were watching a movie together, during a boring part of the film my mind wandered off and I began to realize the awesome moment I was having. Here we were, lying on his couch together, me leaning back on him, wrapped in his arms. It was a little overwhelming for a few minutes and I actually had to concentrate to not tear up over it. How did I finally get here, what led me to take the steps and follow the path I was so afraid of.

Two years ago I was so lost, I would not even say the words "I am gay" out loud in case they began to travel on their own, getting louder and louder until the entire world would hear them. I did everything I could to play the part, the straight guy part that is. If I screwed up then I knew for sure it would be on the front page of the local paper, after that no one would talk to me, I would lose all my family and friends and life would pretty much be over. I felt sick inside, I was ashamed of being gay but no matter how long I waited, prayed or tried to forget about it, my being gay would not go away. I decided to go the other way, to try and accept it but I just did not know how to go about it. I felt a huge disconnect to the gay community, or as I know now, the louder part of the gay community that the media likes to show so that it can rake in viewers and readers. At the time I was not aware of the many other sides to the gay community, the many places for everyone to fit into. I have passed two mile stones in the last month that I want to share with you, two very important mile stones that really helped me get here.

When I first was trying to find out about gay life, everything seemed to lead me either to safe sex articles or gay porn. I wanted more out of gay life than just sex, I wanted to feel whole, completed in some way, I wanted a relationship. Flipping through gay sites one day I happen to come upon a gay blog, I sort of knew what a blog was and there were video clips of this person's life with his boyfriend. I opened one clip and was blown away by it, there was no porn, the guys seemed very normal, both were actually very handsome but the thing that really got to me was how they interacted with each other. I could see they were in love, they were joking around, doing something so normal as dipping cookies into peanut butter and ending the clip with trying to get it onto each other by kissing. Just two guys playing around and I just sat there soaking it all in. I thought that is what I want in life, to come home to someone who loves me, talk about our day, play around, be a couple, a loving couple and sex would just be an added bonus to this kind of relationship, not the main pillar to it. I began to read and follow this person's blog. I was very interested in his stories about his relationship, about his life. One day feeling very alone I sent him an email, as soon as I hit 'send' I regretted sending it, what if he thought I was pathetic, what if he said I was spineless for being in the closet, what if he thought I was letting other gay people down by hiding.

The reply I received was so welcoming, so understanding, so open and he made me feel at ease right away. He was extremely kind and I finally felt that I had started a connection with some one in the gay world. It was also safe for me, he was miles away and he never asked me for any information, he was very respectful to my situation. He was much younger than me but was wise beyond his years. I found a great sounding board to bounce ideas off of. Last week it had been two years since I first contacted him. I will forever be grateful for his blog friendship and I can't tell you how much this kid helped me get onto my right path. Some days now I feel bad about all the times I wrote to him because of a self caused crisis, when he had his own problems to solve, but he was always ready with a reply to help me work out my thoughts. Things may not be working out for him the way he would like at the moment, but I hope soon they will turn around as I will always have a soft spot him.

The second event was a one year mark of a friendship I made that is very important to me. I met him through his blog as well, we were in the exact same place in life and it was so good to find someone to be confused together with. We emailed and chatted everyday and eventually I began to feel good about being gay, I kept thinking if a good guy like him is gay, then it must be okay for me to be gay as well. It helped a lot to find we had the same fears, doubts and questions. We laughed about things that we both found gross about gay culture/sex and talked about wanting romance in a relationship. This friendship gave me the strength to feel good about who I am, to start to come out, to start a blog of my own, to move on and meet people, to finally find the right guy, to the relationship I am in today. I consider him as close to me as my real world friends like Eric, B or Elly, I will never let this friendship go, I love my blog buddy!

I have made many friends through my blog and you know who you are, you are all important to me, many of you have helped me greatly and often you got panicked emails from me from time to time, I have found each of you has a special gift to offer me from advise to humour so I don't want to make anyone feel left out. I did want to acknowledge these two 'blog friend anniversaries' mostly because through their support they really helped me feel comfortable enough to let me become me, and that started Steven on his path, to finally end up watching a movie in the arms of a great guy.

Okay who are these guys? I feel kind of bad bringing up their names since I did not warn them but I want the blog world to know I am so thankful for their friendships, thank you guys.
1) The BRAT who first had to put up with my ignorance and being afraid of my own gay shadow, but helped me so much!
2) My BUDDY who secretly helped me plot against the straight world and shared in the feeling that we were hovering between the two realities!

Next Chapter

Coming out, making gay friends, starting relationships, these all are things that I am trying to do. It is like working on a book but I have to jump between chapters and write them at the same time instead of in sequence. Last night I finally finished one of the chapters of my gay life, that is coming out to my close friends. I only had one close friend left to tell (Elly), it is still very hard to tell people and I thought I would just get it over with. I always felt bad telling her half truths as she is always trying to get me to go out on dates.

I called her last night and we did the usual, talking about family, friends and work. Then she brought up the subject, she noticed I was not home a lot and wanted to know who the girl was. I told her that is what I was calling about and I needed to tell her something. She could tell by my voice something was wrong and assured me that I could tell her anything.

Me, "I am seeing someone, you are right about that."
Elly, "Okay, you can trust me, tell me about this girl."
Me, "Well actually it is not a girl I am seeing."
Elly suddenly whispers, "its a guy!"
Me, "Yes."
Elly, "Wow, okay."
Me, "So did you kind of already know?"
Elly, "No! Not at all, I would never have thought that in a million years, no I never thought that about you. I always thought you were just really old fashioned and shy."(Laughs)
Me, "Well actually I am old fashioned, just gay too!" We both laugh.
Elly, "Thank you for telling me this, I appreciate you trusting me, I'm just wondering why did you feel that you needed to tell me?"
Me, "I wanted my close friends to know, I feel like I have been lying to you guys whenever you ask about whether I am dating or not."
Elly, "Oh, okay thank you, I understand, I am your friend, I will be a good friend to you."
Me, "Whew, that is good to know."
Elly, "Of course, you know me, I have an open mind, Wow you little brat, you have been hiding this from me all this time!" (Laughs)

She asks all about Dave, how we met etc and says she would like to meet him some day. She wants to know who else in our group of friends knows, so I tell her. I can tell that she is quite startled by the news but is doing her best to support me. Later she sends me a really sweet email. That is it then, all my close friends know now and with telling her, it is the closing of the final chapter on that part of my coming out, strangely I feel a little sad, like my secret that I held for so long, was like an old friend that I had to let go. I still have friends to tell that are in what I call my sub-group, people not so close to me but that I hang out with from time to time, it is not so big of a deal if one of them rejects me as they play a smaller part in my life. Some of them actually know as well, they began to suspect and I knew I could trust them as they already had close gay friends or family members.

I want to give this relationship my all and I feel that by denying Dave to people is betraying Dave and how can you betray someone that you are suppose to love as much as family. Dave is actually very understanding about my not being totally out. He tells me to just roll with each situation and he will go along with what ever feels comfortable for me. Since Dave is out to most people, I feel it is wrong to ask him to go back into the closet, so that is why I am working on coming out, because I can't do that to him and honestly I love having him as my boyfriend so much, that I want the world to know.

Ironic Double Life

I have suddenly found myself in an ironic double life. I used to be this quiet shy straight guy that just had not found the right woman yet. That was how everyone knew me, they did not know about my being gay, having friends on the net, searching for the strength to change or the courage to come out. No one knew I had a boyfriend for a short time in my twenties, it was a secret world only in my head mostly, the straight life was the one I was leading. Now however it has become reversed. To my friends I am a gay man, to my sister I am a gay man. To some new friends that I have made, they have always known me as a gay man. To Dave I am his boyfriend, to his friends, family and clients I am the guy dating him, again to them I have always been gay. I am beginning to feel comfortable with this, it feels like where I should be.

The reverse to my life happens now when I go to visit my parents. There I am the straight guy again, the proper son, and I am not comfortable in that role any more. I recall the childhood days when winter would come, the coats and sweaters that I wore the year before no longer fit me, I had out grown them. No matter how much I tugged at the jacket it would ride up my sleeves or expose my stomach to the cold. The straight role does not fit me any more and I feel my parents don't really know their son. I had borrowed the movie Broke Back from Dan, as I mentioned before, my Dad had said that he wants to see the movie, mainly because he loves cowboy movies. I thought I would play it and maybe open up a discussion about gay people, how we don't choose this, that it is part of who we are. I did not show it to them however as my Mom reminded how hard they can be on people.

As I walked into the kitchen, my Mom said 'take a look at this' and threw down some pictures in disgust. I looked at the pictures to see my very pretty cousin, her handsome fiance and their cute as a bug baby. They are distant cousins so we do not keep in contact with them. I was surprised by the baby, the plan was over a year ago they were to be married but they had an oops-baby and so had to stop the wedding as she was due at the same time. They will resume plans and wed in June. Mom was disgusted, she said 'will that family never learn, that is terrible'. I said for Mom to step back a little, first they planed long before the baby came to get married so it was not like a shot gun wedding, second they are to be married this spring, third is was not perfect but they will end it well. The family is cute, they are both educated adults, doing well for themselves, down to earth and generally really nice people. I said most couples are doing the same thing only they got caught. Really, no one is having kids any more so it is actually exciting to see a baby in the family. Mom would just not see it that way, she insisted that it was horrible, they were filth for letting this happen, it was an embarrassment to the family and I suddenly knew that I would never be able to tell her. She was not always this hard on people, hard but not like now. As my parents get older they are becoming less and less reasonable, I always figure they worked hard all their lives, were good parents to us, so I don't argue anymore. I want then to glide into their final years happy. I am at a loss as what to do, Dave is very understanding. For now I will leave it but there may come a time when I want to move in with Dave and then it will be pretty plain what is happening. There is also going to be the day when one of my new friends that knows me as a gay person, will turn out to be related to someone that knows my parents, with small towns and huge families, that always happens sooner or later.

Ironic how the role is now reversed, for a day or two I am a straight guy again and I find it sad that my parents don't know the life I lead now, because this is the one that finally makes me happy.

Out a Little & Outed a Little

Not much to report in Steven's gay news these days, a few days ago I told another high school friend. Not from the high school in the country but here in the city as I went two years to high school in this city. My friend (I'll call her M) is pretty open about things so I knew it would be okay with her. I thought she might already suspect as she has gay friends, so I figured she may have clued in long ago. I was surprised by her reaction, she was shocked, she said that she never saw it coming, she told me that it really floored her. I know it is wrong but that always makes me feel good. She thanked me for counting her into the group of people I felt comfortable enough to tell. She was very encouraging and supportive.

I was also outed to someone a few days ago, Lyn was telling a very close mutual friend of ours (I'll call her P) that she is a lesbian, P then asked if I was gay as well, this is not the first time she has asked Lyn about me. Since Lyn and I seem to be together a lot lately she figured it out. My friend 'P' is also cool about these things so I had told Lyn not to lie about me if backed into a corner by her, so she told her that I was gay also. I only received an email about it so far so I have not had a chance to ask Lyn how it went down. Lyn apologized and felt terrible for spilling the beans but I reminded her that I know she can't really lie, especially not to P, she would be able to see it on Lyn's face, plus I had already told Lyn not to lie. I am actually not upset at all about it, makes one less person for me to have to tell. Strange to think that only six months ago, this would have been the end of the world to me.

When I started this blog, the first blog writers I contacted were guys also in the closet. Even though I had been reading other blogs for one to two years, I thought I would start off making contact with other guys in the same boat (or closet) as me. Usually they were younger than me but the fears were the same, it has been interesting watching their progress. I had pretty much put the idea of telling my parents on hold, I though maybe I would never tell them. These thoughts of telling them have surfaced again. The reason is I proudly read where one of these younger guys (Matt at Closet-NS) bravely decided to get it over with and came out to his parents, (way to go buddy, you are going to have to change your blog title)! It really has me thinking but also confused as to what I should do. I feel he is lucky now, no actually more like free now, free in that he will not have to worry anymore about something getting back to his family, free to be able to just go ahead and live his life. The only difference is that my parents are from a very different generation than his parents. I can't figure out where the balance will be, tell them and maybe feel free but also have a wedge between us, or not tell them and still have a wedge between us that only I can see. I find now that when I am around people who don't know about me, I feel drained. I feel like I have stepped back in time, back into the closet and I don't want to be there anymore. I think there is no clear answer to this in my case, maybe it is just one of those steps that I will have to take and see how it works itself out. A lot for me to think over.

Support and Sushi Makes It All Better.

Well I did have a bit of a downer on the weekend but with a lot of support from the kind people who read this blog, I put my head back on straight (well so to speak). I will take the time here in this post to thank the people who wrote supportive comments and emails to me, yes they do really help and I am not saying that to just be kind. I decided not to answer each comment as I usually do because you guys put so much emotion into them it would take me forever to do justice to them and answer everyone back. Just know this, I always see comments and emails like a good friend stopping in to say hello, and so I listen intently to what your view is. They were really appreciated and honestly.... I needed them. I should tell you I am the type of person that can become down about something for a day or two, but if I have no control over it, like the past, then I will just move on because I feel there is no sense in wasting time. The blog is a good place to vent and so you are usually seeing me at my worst. Pats on my head or shoulder work wonders for me. Truly, thank you.

Moving on, Sunday morning my friend (we will call him Pg) called and asked if I wanted to try a new sushi restaurant that opened near me. Pg is from Asia and when trying anything new I love to go with him because he knows all the good stuff to order, plus all the good places to eat. I jumped at the chance, I needed to get out. It is close to me so he picked me up on the way. When we entered and looked around he had a big grin on his face and said "it is safe to eat here." All my Asian friends tease me that if you go into an Asian restaurant and only see Caucasians, turn around and leave. The reason is because the food will not be good, cooked North American Style and over priced, if on the other hand you see mostly Asian customers then it is a good place to eat and not as expensive. The sushi was great, shrimp was great and I think the octopus legs were the best of all. Wow there is something I never thought I would ever say as a kid. We tried many other dishes as well, the only thing I did not care for was a noodle soup that had an odd taste, like the way wet wool socks smell. Pg is usually good at picking foods for me but he also loves to trick me and give me something so spicy that it will clear the passages out in ten seconds or just give you a bit of a shock (can you say, not too much wasabi).

I also wanted to tell Pg that I am gay, I feel he will be okay with it but at the end of the day I did not get the chance to. I had tidied up my place and invited him back for a beer after eating, he agreed, I figured it would be better to tell him at my place rather than at the restaurant. I did not feel too nervous about it but you can never tell how someone will react. He did once ask me if I was gay about two years ago but I was not ready to say yes at that time. What happened on the way to my place, just before we arrived, he asked if he could take a rain check on the beer as his baby had been sick with a cold and he wanted to get home to his wife. I said no problem and then wrestled with the thought of quickly telling him. I decided not to do that as he probably would have a few questions after and it felt wrong to say, "thanks for meeting me, I'm gay, hope the baby feels better, see you later." Well another day then, but at least what was good for me, it was for lack of time and not out of fear about telling him that I missed my chance. I think I agree with the people who say, if you don't make a big production out of it, it won't be a big production.

This week I am in the process of trying to get someone to go to a gay bar with me, I think there would be less pressure during the week than on the weekend as the bars would be less crowded. Everyone seems to have plans. I want to be able to look Patrick in his blog picture eyes and say, "yes buddy I went dancing!" By the way Patrick, since you think I am eleven years younger than you, I can't tell you how much your comments are welcomed on this blog! I said before I don't have a favourite blog writer but now Patrick is really getting close to taking that title, lol!

Rewind, Remember, Remembrance.

The last few days I have been reading coming out and related stories from some of my favourite younger blog writers, this always brings a lot of emotions up for me. First I am always happy that they are dealing with this now and getting this over with at such young ages. I actually find it a little funny sometimes to read where they are angry with themselves for waiting until they were really old like 22 or 23! Can we say gay retirement home! Seriously I am so proud of these guys and they can have normal lives where they get to date, party and form relationships, the kind of things young people should get to experience. They won't have to deal with hiding, lying and deceiving the people around them, I think it is almost beautiful this won't be a part of their world. The next emotion that comes up is always my "missed time" emotion, I try to shove it to the back of my mind but I can't help it. I often talk about this with my buddy John since we are around the same age, he helps me a lot by reminding me what things were like when we were younger. Now I am beginning to let it go and forgive myself, I mentioned that I wanted to work on this before.

Back in the day, just after the last of the dinosaurs died, when we were teens life was quite different then. I would say even in the last ten years things have really changed. Gay life is much better now but I'm still waiting for a gay Coke or Pepsi commercial! We did not have ANY positive gay role models. There have been a lot of gay characters on TV in the last ten years and I think that really helps a young person think they are not alone and makes them feel normal. I know it is still hard for today's gay youth to come out but they don't know the world I grew up in. I often joke but it is a true fact that in the eighties and early nineties, people like Elton John, Boy George and George Michael all denied being gay, however not that I would have looked to them as role models. By today's standards that would be like Clay Aiken and Ricky Martin saying that they were not gay, oh wait a minute.... well you get what I'm trying to say.

There is a story that happened in my town that I have been thinking over, I was not going to post about it but I think it helps me understand why I felt such an obsessive need to hide my being gay. In the small country township where I grew up, the high school and elementary school were beside each other so there was still a lot of interaction between the two. When I started high school a new teacher (Dan) started teaching in the elementary school. Dan was the kind of very serious and strict teacher that the kids feared but respected as well. Very good at his job and usually after a few weeks with any new class he was the kids and parents favourite teacher. He was also sometimes hired to help tutor kids for extra help. I had met Dan only once really, but I saw him interacting with the other kids many times, he had been friendly to me and I could tell he was the type of guy where if you treated him with respect, you could expect it in return. Needless to say he was admired in the community.

One day he did not show up for work, everyone thought it was strange that there was no word from him. The next day we found out he had been murdered, stabbed to death I believe. Everyone was shocked, he was such a nice guy no one could figure out why someone would do this to him. The papers and camera crews came to our town in droves, there were dozens of parents and teachers willing to tell with heart felt sadness what a wonderful person he was, how important he had become to everyone and how we will miss him. Everyone wanted the animal who did it to be caught, locked up and put away forever. They finally caught the guy and that is when peoples opinions turned suddenly.

The guy admitted to the murder, he was a drug addict who needed money and the reason he had targeted Dan was because he was 'gasp' gay! What! No that can't be true! The town reeled under that revelation! At first the guy was kind of like so I killed a gay guy "so what". When he saw that was not going to fly in court he then started to say Dan had hit on him and he freaked out and killed him, only problem was that he met Dan in a gay bar and went home with him. As horrible as this was, also terrible was a gay kid observing how his family, neighbors and friends reacted. The reaction was swift, when reporters came back, no one would talk to them, no one wanted to be associated with a "queer," no one knew him anymore. It was a great shame to be thought of as his friend and no one wanted that shame. In silence I sat and listen to people say "that's the thing with those homos, you never know if one of them is around" or " you have to be so careful they could be anywhere" or "I wonder what special lessons he gave the boys over the girls." I even remember my friends talking about it and saying "I could forgive a thief or murderer but I could never have a fag for a friend." I have to ask, how much damage does that do to a gay kid to hear in his friends eyes, he is way lower than a murderer or thief. After that Dan was never mentioned again, the town wanted and did forget him. This clearly showed me what would happen if I were to come out, actually who the fuck am I kidding, see at that time kids where was no such thing as "coming out" it was more you were "found out!" So to rephrase that I could clearly see what would happen to me if I was found out, everyone would have turned on me. Years passed Dan and you were lost to history, but you were not forgotten. There was a gay kid who would remember you, not about the tragedy or your one mistake, but he would remember what was good about you, a great teacher, well respected and a good guy, that also happened to be gay.

Life Assembles

Life assembles sometimes like a puzzle, piece by piece which at first, looks like a mess to the person trying to fit everything together. Until you get that lucky break, that right piece that lets you see the picture that is beginning to form before your eyes. Finally you feel that there is an end in sight.

I have returned from my Christmas party and I did have a blast but it certainly did not turn out like I thought, it had an even stranger twist to it that was unexpected. My friend Lyn came and picked me up, I had it all planned out on how I was going to tell her. I was going to say something like, am I suppose to be her boyfriend at this party, I knew Lyn would be embarrassed and say no. I was then going to say that she was missing the one thing I look for in a date, a penis. Lyn has a few gay male friends so I knew it would be okay with her. I could see doing it and writing it here for a good laugh. However it went more like something I would read in my buddy K's blog I have to admit it. We were on the way there and I asked the question "am I suppose to be your boyfriend" she laughed and liked I planned became embarrassed, Lyn said no she told everyone we were just friends, I was about to set her up for my penis punch line when she added, "um I am not really attracted to any guys, mostly just girls." Huh? Wha? What? Me totally stunned for a few seconds asked if she was joking. She said no, no joke, that she was attracted to women. We did the 'are you kidding', 'no I'm not kidding' routine for a few seconds. She said that she considers herself bisexual, but is mainly attracted to woman. She said that she was finally learning to accept it.

I told her I am behind her and then started to laugh. I said "this is so funny because I was just about to tell you that I am gay" she looked at me shocked and we went back into the "are you kidding me', 'no I'm not kidding you', 'are you serious', 'yes I'm serious" routine. I said this is so awesome! I can't believe what she said next! She told me that she wants to go to a gay bar, but does not want to go alone and then asked me if I would go with her. I almost screamed with joy. I told her that I have been wanting to go for a while now and was looking for someone to go with me. I know of a really nice gay bar that caters to both lesbians and gay men equally, it is quite popular. I am trying to get her to go this evening, woohoo! Now on to the party and more crazy shh.... stuff that I could not believe.

I told Lyn that I wanted to tell her sister, who is also a good friend of mine and would be at the party. She told me that even though her sister is cool with gay people, she was having trouble over the fact that Lyn likes women. I said maybe I won't tell her then. She hit me with this. She said for me not to worry, that her sister thought I was gay, was waiting for me to tell her and did not care. She said the gay guys at the party also do not know she is bisexual, even though they are close friends of Lyn. I said I would stay quiet then so as not to make Lyn feel uncomfortable.

The food was great, conversation was wicked, I had a bit of a buzz, and the gay guys were at their finest. It is what I suspected, that I was uncomfortable around them before, because of what I was trying to hide and of what they represented for me. They were hilarious, the life of the party, really sweet and I think maybe they received the signals I kept sending them. They said they may have a party and wanted me and Lyn to go if they do. I would so go in a second! There were straight couples there I did not know, but I felt comfortable because they were very loving towards the gay couple, both women and the straight men. I wanted to come out to more people but held back because of Lyn as she did not want to talk about it at the party. The final to cap off the night was the conversation between the two straightest guys there. One guy said that the gay couple are great guys and he really liked being friends with them, that they could joke around about anything. The other guy is Lyn's brother in-law and also my friend. I was worried how he would take it if I told him, that is until he was telling us about the gay wedding he went to, where his friend a trucker (who looks like Ben Affleck), married a transvestite. Huh? Wha? What? He went on to say how the trucker and him had been friends for years and everyone deserves to be happy. I kept thinking I must be dreaming, when did I fall into such a gay positive world as this, pinch me. I am too excited to sleep! It gets even better but enough for now.

Six Degrees To Steven's Bacon Exposed

I live in a small city, I came from the country near an even smaller township. The problem with that is I have a huge family, our neighbors all had large families and when children and grandchildren get older, they move to this city for work. That makes me think of the game "six degrees to Kevin Bacon", you know the game where you try to figure how close actors are to knowing Kevin Bacon by who he has worked with. Only with me I think the game should be called two or three degrees to Steven because that is how close everyone seems to be to knowing my family. I have around forty first cousins, (Irish Catholics) yes I said forty! So you can imagine if you add in there, second and third cousins plus all the husbands and wives. I can even be in a strange city, partly lost and one of them will appear in front of me. Trust me it is a full time job to keep from being discovered.

This has come up again with a vengeance, it has to do with meeting my friend last week. Of course I did not tell him, the last time we saw each other was in our teens and at that time he was very homophobic, to be fair to him so was I, or at least pretended to be. He made it clear to me that he would like to resume our friendship. When I mentioned some of our other childhood friends he told me that he recently bumped into some of them as well. One guy he meets with every week and the other monthly. They have coffee, go to lunches and sometimes hang out. There is the comfort of familiarity and I could see quickly becoming friends again. However that will put me back into the position of having close friends who do not know that I am gay. Feeling tire of hiding and pretending was the reason I came out to my close friends. That has been dealt with and I no longer have to worry about slip ups with the exception of Elly. I am not looking forward to being put back into that situation.

There is the uneasiness that my friend has some ties to my home town but the real trouble is one of the other guys has almost the same large family ties back home. Even if they accept me there is always that chance for a slip-up and I'm not ready to deal with my parents, if ever. Any one from a small town knows how uneventful life is there, so every bit of news is spread quickly and in the haste to pass it around, it gets pulled and stretched a little. The last big event there that just happened is Fern's cow was found dead by the feeder (I'm not joking), she was fifteen however so a good life for a cow, now imagine if the hot wire got a hold of the news that Fern's, neighbor's son is gay! Talk about a gossip feeding frenzy, I would be OK but I would not want a wave of ignorance to come my parent's way. I will have to wait and see just how open minded they have become before saying a word. Maybe he even suspects, he asked if I was married and when I said no I am still single, he suddenly looked at me like if he just realized something. I quickly changed the topic and he jumped into the new subject right away, maybe to save me from the awkwardness. Usually with other people, I find this the beginning of a flood of questions and they will not let it go. When we were leaving he made the comment that he can't stand any kind of bigotry and won't put up with it. I kept wondering if he was trying to make me feel comfortable and let me know it was OK to tell him or was he just trying to come off as a cool guy.

The more I come out, the more complicated it seems to become. I almost feel there is a no win situation here, become friends only to be rejected, to be outed or do I decide not to take up his offer to start the friendship over. It kind of also is not fair to him, as he is smart enough to figure out that he would be getting the cold shoulder after extending his hand in friendship. He would realize it and not understand why.

Out on a ledge

If you were to ask my friends to describe me, they would tell you I am a very low key person. Actually quite shy with new people, which makes it hard for me to meet with people for the first time. Even some of you that I email back and forth with, if faced with actually meeting you, I would be in a little bit of panic mode. The spotlight is a place that holds no appeal, there lies the problem with coming out. I often wonder how far out will be out enough. How do I handle life as a gay person, who do I tell and who do I not tell. Part of me only wants my close friends to know, being a very private person, I feel only they have earned my trust and in doing so they have a right to know the true me. My close friends are the ones that may try to fix me up so to avoid any embarrassing situations I want them to know.

On the other side of the coin, I have grown tired of the game, the one where people ask me twenty questions and I try to make up as many answers without lying by using half truths or withholding personal information that would raise more questions. Why are you not married? Do you have a girl friend? Any kids? Why not? When was the last time you were on a date? What was the name of your Last girl friend? What type of woman is your type? Don't you want a family? Do you want to be old and alone? Do you know the older you get the harder it is to find someone? Want to meet my cousin? My friend cries all the time but is really nice, want to meet her? My cousin has a huge weight problem and a bad temper, at your age you can't be too picky Steven, want to meet her? Do you like being alone? Some days I just want to wear a shirt that says in big bright letters "I suck c***, now f*** off!" Well actually I don't but here is to hoping! So bad, sorry!

I am not sure how to go about it, should I say nothing but when someone asks about a wife and kids do I just drop it that I'm gay. What about work, part of me would not want my work place to know my personal business but then part of me thinks once I am in a new place, wait until I am firmly established and then let people know. For now while single I don't think it is a big deal but once in a relationship with a boyfriend, I would have the feeling of not being true to him if I were to hide our relationship. I always say also, don't want to end up being in a bad seventies sitcom where I am running around trying to hide things that make us look gay if someone calls and says they are coming over. I think of taking the stance of keeping it to myself, however if someone starts to push for information then they better be prepared for my answer. Sometimes maybe I over think situations, I am reminded of a woman who use to visit my past work place from a different site. She was lesbian, in a relationship and not a bit reserved in talking about it. She did not hold it out there like a red flag, just casually mentioned her girlfriend from time to time in conversations, exactly like a straight person would mention their wife. The people who were most bigoted towards gays and lesbians never said one word to her. Like most cowards they would back down from someone who would confront them. Preferring to wait until she was out of the room to begin slinging the arrows. It was easier for them when in a group and out of her ear shot. Sometimes I feel weak for not saying anything and other times I feel I did the right thing and need to pick my battles.

To the gay men or women out there living in a relationship or people who are out, I wonder to what level do you take being out. Is it good enough to just let friends know. Do you sort of just let new friends and neighbors figure it out for themselves. What is the balance between being true to yourself and being cautious. Like I always say, it is important for me to live as Steven and as a side note, I just happen to be gay. Maybe I can't do that, maybe I can't separate the two, Steven and gay Steven. Sometimes I wonder if saying I want my being gay as only a side note to who I am, is really another way of me still saying I can't accept being gay. Maybe trying to not draw attention to my homosexuality is just another way of hiding it. So confusing coming out is sometimes or actually most times, I want to be out but I don't want to find that I have put myself out on a ledge.

Not This Again!

I'm sitting on my couch, you are the only one in the room that does not know, I love our friendship, you are like my little sister. I want to tell you, I want to say "Elly I'm gay" in fact I planed to tell you tonight but as I start the sentences that will lead me there, my heart begins to race out of control, I think it will break my ribs, I think I'm going to vomit. Why this again?

My closest friends and I decided to go out tonight, drink a little, have a really good meal and after since the restaurant is so close to me, come back to my place after, chat and have desert. The restaurant was loud, really loud so I was looking forward to having them come back here. I wanted to tell Elly tonight, she is one of the very few close friends that does not know yet. I was resolved to do it when she asked me "so Steve find the right woman yet?" Everyone looked at their plates and snickered, including me. This made her suspect something was up but could not guess what we were hiding. Since I almost never drink I was feeling brave from my beer. I thought however I would wait until we got back here, this way I would not have to yell out that I'm gay for the whole restaurant to hear.

While sitting together I began to tell her many times, I was not listening to the people around me and was only half in the conversations. My friends knew I wanted to tell her, they would give me openings and were supportive towards me but I just could not do it. Finally she said that she had to leave, I was frustrated with myself, I was thinking of blurting it out at the door but then I thought it would not give me time to explain myself to her and also the importance of keeping it quiet for now. That is my only fear with telling her, she is bad at keeping secrets and there are people that we both know who I dislike, I would not want them to have that personal bit of information. She said her goodbyes and left, I didn't tell her. I felt like crap after. I had thought I was getting braver with this, I don't know if it is because I have not told anyone for a while that I am gay or if it is the potential loss of control over who knows. I feel like I took a step back tonight, back into the closet, there was that awful feeling of trying to come out to someone, it was bad right in the pit of my stomach like when I first started to try and tell people. I wonder, will it always be like this.

Out To Dinner

This Wednesday coming is the big day for me, that will be the day of the dinner party. It falls on Halloween, however it is not a Halloween party. I don't feel nervous at all about it, I am actually looking forward to it. I think it will be awesome to be in a room with gay and gay positive people, like in The Chronicles of Narnia I will finally step through the wardrobe door and into my own world, one where I belong. Even if nothing comes of it, I think it will help me get comfortable in my own skin. I have no expectations, I am just going to meet some people and if we hit it off then great, if not then I just keep trying to find my place in a gay world as well as the straight world. I will know some people there so it is not like I will find it totally overwhelming. My hope is that even though I may not meet the kind of people I want to hang out with, they may know people that I could click with.

I have been looking around my city, on line of course as I'm still too chicken to go out, to see what is out there. At first I was a little disappointed at what I was finding, surfing around I found mostly clubs and places that seemed to cater to hook ups or meat markets, some looked like the bar scenes out of Star Wars, not into heavy piercings, tattoos and leather harness, also from the comments I read, a lot of the attitudes around places like that were what I would describe as bitter. I discovered I was not looking in the right way, I stumbled onto sites with clubs for hiking, skiing etc. The clubs appear to be just like the clubs in straight land, the people running them seem nice enough. I think getting into something like that would be easier, less pressure to meet someone but then as I get to know people maybe something could develop. I started to enter my name onto a dating site, the site I think is decent and geared more towards relationships for gay people instead of the meet and bang type. Then I chickened out, maybe for fun I will try again this week, just to see if anyone responds. I also want to check out a gay book store I know about, no not that kind of book store, a real book store. I want to read a gay romance novel, where two guys fall in love and live happily ever after. At least if I can't have that I can daydream about it.

For those of you that read about my one and only boyfriend Billy, tonight I told him about me only coming out this summer. He was surprised, he figured I would be in a relationship and never thought I was still in the closet, he did not understand why but he was happy that I'm working on my coming out. He said he will be staying in my city for a week on business and we can get together to catch up on old times. I still did not apologizes yet for running like a scared rabbit but I will soon. Telling him today was the beginning of where I want our heads to be at when I apologize. I wanted to check in with him to see if his house was close to any of the wild fires that are out of control in California, he is fine however. I want to get everything out of the way before he comes here, that way we can just hang out in bars and clubs together. Hang out like we should have done years ago.

Out, for the evening.

Well we had planned to go out for the evening Friday but two of us had to cancel, so we scrapped the night until we could all get together. I was so ready to tell my friends that I did not want to wait. I figured, start with the hard one first. So I told Bea that her friendship was really important to me and then told her I was gay, I also said I hoped she would not feel deceived by me pretending to her that I was straight. She said that I had not deceived her and that she was glad for me to be able to tell her and feel comfortable enough with myself to say it out loud. She also said who I pick as a partner has no bearing on our friendship what so ever, then she joked and said unless she hates the guy! She said she feels privileged to be my friend and that nothing will change between us except that now she knows me and understands me better and plus she thinks I'm a sweetie. I had to ask the question, you know the one where I ask if she sort of knew. She said yes that she sort of always knew, she said that it was not a question that she was ever going to ask and if I wanted to keep it to myself, she felt it was my right. I want to kick myself about the hiding thing but I am learning to let it go. As a side note, how can people say we are not born gay, when people can 'tell' we are gay sometimes even before we fully understand ourselves that we are gay. The last thing I heard from her was last night, she sent me an email saying "we love you just the way you are Steve, you're perfect" (sigh) - makes a person feel so mushy and warm inside!

I was not able to get a hold of Elly, I don't feel the pressure to tell her, I know she may be a little surprised - or maybe not but she is cool with the whole gay culture. I worry that she will blab, actually it is her husband that I worry who will blab most. Elly is like my little sister but the guy she married is a bit of a (blank), you fill in the blank. He would not feel loyal to me and I still want some control over who knows and who does not. Bea and Eric said if I am going to be worried then why not hold off until I am a little more comfortable. I think I will do that for now. Eric joked and said that he knows Elly will be OK with it but the only problem is that she is really going to be "pissed" (sorry his word not mine) that she was the last to find out! I had to laugh, that will be so true, I used to be closest to her out of all our friends. The thing with Eric and Barb is that what I say to them in confidence will always stay with them. I knew even if Barb had a bad reaction that she would still hold my secret.

There is another friend that I will try to see this weekend, we are not as close as we used to be but she is also cool having gay friends. she is another person I can trust. It feels so good to just be myself around my sister and friends, I should have done this years ago but better late than never. I am still thinking over the situation with my parents, that will be a hard one and honestly I don't have the answer yet. At least now if I start dating I don't have to worry about bumping into my friends, in fact it would be a good thing because we could ask them to join us. Opening the closet door seems to also open a lot of other doors as well.

Why Now - Why Not?

Lately I have been asked by a few people, since I had hidden being gay for so long, why now. They wonder why I finally decided to come out now. Like I had mentioned before there were a number of reasons that seemed to converge to get me to this point. My friends were starting to suspect, I was tired of being alone, I felt time was slipping away, I felt dead inside, I did not want to die without the feeling of being in love, I was growing tired of trying to keep the straight act from flying apart. These and other reasons came together to finally make me feel that enough was enough. There was another reason I started to come out, one important reason, it was a change in my attitude about me being gay. For years I felt that being gay was like having some type of shameful weakness to be embarrassed by. Like a mental illness in a family that nobody talks about and everyone hides from society. I believed that I needed to keep it hidden, that people might use it against me as flaw to exploit. I feared that if people found out, being gay would invalidate everything about me, my views and opinions would no longer be taken seriously, I would become the cliche gay character in a sitcom, only good for a laugh. I was obsessed with hiding my homosexuality, it was just part of my every day life.

I began to see it differently, I remember hearing the line 'gay people are normal, just their sexuality is different' I thought to myself that if I really looked deep inward, I always felt normal, I just could not figure out how to get everyone else to see that as well. Quickly it was easy to see that the world is geared towards the straight male, it is the reason that young women sell everything from cars to - well almost everything! We just don't fit in to that view of society, so now we have to make room. I used to worry about the people that would not accept me, reject me and laugh at me. Looking around however I could see that to this day there are people that will reject someone because of the colour of their skin, that will laugh at someone that is mentally challenged. It became clear to me that I would not have every ones approval, that I did not need their approval and that these people held no power over me anymore, in fact I have a slight sense of pity for the embarrassing way they show their ignorance. I began to understand it is just a sexuality and don't see what all the fuss is about. I don't feel the need to hide , because to me now there is nothing to hide.

I stalled a bit in the coming out department and felt the need to shake things up again. Last week I made plans with my friends to go out tomorrow. I plan on telling the last two of my really close friends. One of them, Elly I think will be OK with it, she loved watching Queer as Folk and was always trying to get me to watch it. She is the one that I think will try to use me as her fag-bangle, not a chance, my only worry with her is she can't keep anything quiet but I will let the chips fall where they will. The other person Bea, I am really worried about, she never said anything bigoted about gay people but she was set against the gay marriage issue that was brought into law in Canada. She is very big on honesty and may feel betrayed by me deceiving her into thinking I am straight. I really respect her and she is a very important friend to me so I would be greatly saddened if she reacts badly and becomes distant, I will not however change my mind, this is who I am, always was and people can't expect me to be someone else.

Me, The Frog Prince

My closest blog buddy and I were joking once about having a life theme song. I think if I had to pick a theme song for my life, right now it would have to be "The Frog Prince" by Keane. Not all, but some of the lyrics in the song speak to me when I listen to it. The story runs alone the lines of a guy trying to pretend everything is running smooth but you can only pretend for so long. I fought against being gay, coming out for so long. I was too worried what others would think. I so wanted to be the "good son", the "nice guy" and being gay just did not fit into that image for me. I really like the following lyrics.

Your prince's crown
Cracks and falls down
Your castle hollow and cold
You've wandered so far
From the person you are
Let go brother, let go
Cos now we all know

Like a false crown, playing a role of someone that I am not, would eventually crumble and become too hard to hold together. Always having a wall around me made people think I was cold or aloof. That was far from the truth, more due to the fact of being self conscious. I never let anyone get too close to me, I always use to think that way if they found out I was gay, it would not hurt so much if they no longer wanted to be friends. Until one day I realized that yes my "castle" or life was hollow. I was alone and continuing on this way did not make sense anymore. I finally understood that I would be better off telling my friends, if they accepted me then I could take down this crazy wall and let someone in for a change. If they rejected me, there would really be no loss because the friendship was built on a lie in the first place, plus since we were not close it was only superficial anyway. I figured out it would be better to have three or four close friends who accepted me, all of me, than to have a group where I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I am a gay man, I had really wandered too far from the person that I am. Who this other guy was I tried to be, is someone that I don't know. " Let go brother, let go" alright I know it is time, I can't keep this false story together any more. It had started to unravel for the last couple of years and I'm just too tired to keep it up. As I tell people I get a relaxed feeling come over me and it stays with me whenever I talk to those people again later on. "Cos now we all know" that speaks volumes to me, so far most people I have told said they either were starting to suspect or almost knew I was gay. Now I see that even though they suspected me a gay man, none of them ran away screaming.

I mentioned that I was thinking of being selectively out to some friends, however I changed my mind, I just don't have the energy to put it into always worrying about who over hears what so I will tell all my friends and be happy with the ones that stick with me. There are going to be some awkward moments coming up soon. Lately I have been hanging out with two guys from time to time, we have a lot of fun together. They use to work with me, I was not going to tell them because I thought we would just drift apart but they want to continue a friendship. One actually said to me once "I used to think that you might be gay, it would be OK with me as long as you don't hit on me" well straight guy ego aside, I think he would probably be OK with it. The other guy is very Christian and he is a "don't tell and all will be well" sort of person but that does not work for me anymore. I want to make it clear to him from the beginning. I just don't feel like investing a lot of energy into building a friendship with someone that could turn on me later. It is getting easier to tell people because now I understand that I can be "the good son" and "the nice guy" just that I'm gay as well.

Coming out, the sequel!

Encouraged by how well my first coming out went with my friend Eric, I decided to keep the ball rolling. With Eric I knew he would not turn on me but I was afraid that he would become quiet and that would have been very uncomfortable. What I did not mention was that not only did he not go silent, he could see that I wanted to talk so he brought me back to his place where we talked and laughed for hours. It felt awesome to be fully myself with him and in some way it was like we were meeting for the first time again. He was worried that I had kept this hidden so long, he thought it was too stressful and strongly encouraged me to meet other gay people to have someone to talk to. He also said to pick up the phone if I ever needed an ear. This certainly was not the reaction I was expecting from a straight male friend! The next day I had zero regrets about telling Eric and it made me excited like a kid on Christmas morning.

I knew who I was going to tell next, someone who although I am not really close to, I know always has my back, always keeps my secrets and has been at times my greatest Allie in life, my older sister. I put it off for a few days but I figured I should just get it over with. I made an excuse to come over and see something new at the house, we chatted for a while and I suddenly felt it was taking too long and the conversation was not going where I wanted it to. I just turned and said I'm gay, when I said it there was a split second where I almost cried, my bottom lip did that trembling thing and my brows furrowed, it was not from stress but more from relief. I guess feeling sorry for me she said softly "yeah, I know". Shocked I said "you know, for how long", she said "probably for the last ten or more years" I could not believe what I was hearing. I said "crap you mean I put all the energy into hiding from you all these years for nothing" she had a big grin on her face now and said "yup"! I asked why she never said anything and she told me that she was waiting until I felt comfortable enough to come to her, she said that she knew one day I would come and tell her in my own time. Now I just feel so rotten about all the things I did as a kid to get her into trouble, even though she was already good at that herself. A good friend of my sister's that I have known and respected for years was there, so I figured what the heck and told her as well. She was surprised but went behind my chair and put her arms around me and said congratulations, she said that she never suspected I was gay but was happy that I felt comfortable enough to tell her. They both said that they know some gay people and will arrange for me to meet them so that I will have people to talk to. My sister and I talked for hours, I asked her how she knew. She said it was because I never dated or showed any interest in women, relationships, marriage, etc. I thought great, two more in my corner.

I had asked Eric if he knew I was gay, he said no but was starting to suspect for the same reason as my sister did regarding never dating. Eric's wife knows as well but she has gay family members, so she is cool with it. My last big test was last weekend, I used to worry that once I told Eric we would drift apart because he would not feel connected to a gay friend. I went over to his place and I was curious to see if he would act any different. He did not, he was same as ever. He even teased me that he rented Broke Back Mountain, I was glad he did not, that would have been too strange to watch that with him. He even gave me a little crap for only talking to gay people on the net and told me to get out and meet people, not to use the net as an excuse to shy away from meeting other gay people. Of all the scenarios that I played over and over in my head about coming out, none of them came close to how good it was, even at some points it was actually, - well kind of fun.