Thursday, March 26, 2020
I don't watch tv shows anymore because I find most shows boring and childishly written. I have always liked shows with a different twist to them, character driven shows, good shows that usually get cancelled because people can't follow them or feel uncomfortable with the show.
Shows like, Six feet under, Looking, Orphan Black, Mary Kills People and many more. I recently have access to Netflix on certain days and lately there is not a lot to do but watch television. Over the last year I kept hearing about a show called Sense8, I decided to try watching a few episodes. I really, really like this show, it's not at all what I was expecting. I thought it was just going to be a gritty version of "Friends" or a bit like "Queer as Folk" something along those lines. However there is a much more complex plot to the show.
Unfortunately it has already been taken off the air after only two seasons. I'm about five episodes in the first season and I find it getting better and better with each episode. It also has LGBTQ characters in the show and I appreciate that, I like seeing a more realistic portrayal of society, I like to see myself reflected on the screen.
Did anyone here watch that show? Does anyone here recommend a show?
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
Well I guess if I'm going to switch to lighter things, then I should mention what I had for bachelor supper last night. "Bachelor supper" is all the crazy things bachelors eat because our mothers are not around to stop us. My favorite one years ago was blueberry pie and chocolate milk.
Yesterday I was washing a bunch of black grapes, my favorite kind. I used to eat the green or red ones, then one day I tried black and I couldn't go back, just too delicious. As I was washing these grapes, I noticed a bunch of tiny holes, I wasn't sure if they were made while the grapes were being stored or as my imagination began to say, maybe something laid an egg in there. I didn't want to throw them out so I boiled them with a little sugar, like I was about to make grape jam.
However I had put too much water in and so I accidentally made soup... grape soup. It tasted as good as it sounds, or better than depending on your reaction! I came up with a good idea, I was dipping shortbread cookies in the "soup", they are a little bland to begin with so the grape flavor pimped them up a lot. In fact I ate the entire pot. A much more exotic bachelor supper than my usual peanut butter and honey sandwich, or the tomato/onion special. Hmmm let's see, Thursday's menu... strawberry soup!
Monday, March 23, 2020
It's hard to blog about anything at the moment because everything feels tainted by the pandemic. A person almost feels guilty for blogging about something good happening in their life. There is that question in the back of our minds, "how can you write about something so light hearted when so many people are struggling, try to be more respectful". The result is that the virus has infected my blog, so to speak. It's like an elephant in the room at a family dinner.
Take for example, my intention was to eventually write about meeting Mr X, just like I did back when I first met Dan. Not just for the readers but it's also for myself to one day look back on. Unfortunately now however the entire event will forever be tied to covid-19 no matter how I record it. Other little moments have been forgotten in the day to day 24/7 armageddon and that's too bad. The uncertainty of it all is staggering. The loneliness for me is overwhelming, I haven't spoken to another human in a week.. a real human.
The other thing is the feeling regarding loss of control over mom. I can't protect her and she is a sitting target. The Quebec government was smart enough to ban visitors to seniors homes and that will help prevent someone from bringing in the virus. However some of the staff have to work with hospitals as well. All it would take is one slip up and disaster would strike, the virus turns into a raging monster once it gets into a seniors residence. I can't imagine getting a call saying mom is critically ill and not being able to see her, or the thought of her dying alone. The other frightening thought is if the staff fell ill, I wouldn't be able to take care of her, I don't know what we would do and it could get that bad.
There are things I didn't think of, like an older cousin passed away, he was well liked around this area. His family should have been surrounded by other family members and friends saying goodbye, instead they couldn't have a wake or funeral, it's too dangerous. Even small things like getting a hair cut, having your teeth cleaned will be off limits possibly for months.
I will blog about Mr X however, as I will blog about my nature walks now that the snow is melting. Also about how Kitty ventured out of the barn yesterday, (a true sign of spring) and about how my neighbours are doing even though we can't have our usual tea, also the idea I have about growing spinach in the house (hopefully) and the latest book I read. I'm going to do that because that's living, that's life and being stuck in the house worried about a virus lurking around is not healthy. Maybe the blog can be an escape until things can return to something that resembled life before the plague. I will still mention it, I do take it seriously just that it has infiltrated every aspect of my day to day life and I'm tired of hearing about it.
Sunday, March 22, 2020
Today I took the car out for a spin, it's not good to leave it sit idle for too long, especially at this salty time of year. As I passed through the first small village near me and then a larger one, it felt so surreal. I saw no one. Even the usual people that are always around doing something in their yards had vanished. There were also no other cars on the road. Most people got the message, most people are staying in their homes.
Unfortunately there is always an idiot in every crowd. Yesterday a woman who is positive for the COVID-19 virus, was arrested. She refused to self isolate, I hope she enjoys her cell. The Canadian government has given a warning, do as we ask or lose liberty and we will make you comply. They are talking about closing the borders between provinces, something that has never been done before, something that has never been imagined before. The border between Canada and the United States is also closed except for goods and supplies, something that also has never been done before.
I look back at posts and emails from as little as a week ago. I knew it was going to get bad... but even I didn't see it being this bad. Closing the border would be difficult for me. I live in one province but work in another. Most of my friends are in another province, as is my sister. Also frustrating, my boyfriend and I would be separated. I see the irony of this, finally meet a nice guy after all these years and we will be separated. We are already apart, counting down the days until we can reunite... and now this because of a few idiots. They said it could be months.
At least our governments at all levels are taking this seriously. Actually they are all really doing well, all parties have pulled together and there is a lot of brainstorming to lessen the impact of the virus. Unfortunately there are always clueless people, they worry me.
People are keeping their distance, my honey bunny was telling me about people sitting around talking in a local park with everyone's chairs three meters (9feet) apart. I'm lucky here, I can get outside no problem. If they do a lock down, people in the city will be confined indoors.
I was reading about pollution levels rapidly dropping around the world, in the air and water. The world is on hold, this is unbelievable, who would ever think that the economy would shut down worldwide! It seems the world wide disasters just keep getting bigger, strange days indeed. Sorry everyone, this is just a rambling sort of post, a little dumbfounded to be honest because we have all found ourselves in an apocalyptic or armageddon type of movie, we can't guess the ending or how long the movie runs. Stay in, stay safe people.
Friday, March 20, 2020
"Good evening everyone, in today's news COVID-19, COVID-19 COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID and COVID-19. Now over to you Janice!"
"Thanks Bill, well it looks like COVID-19 COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID-19. Now we will check in with weather. What's the forecast for the weekend looking like Mike?"
"Well in spite of COVID-19, mostly rain and chances of snow. In other words Janice.. a perfect weekend to stay inside and hide in terror from COVID-19. Sunday will have a little more sunshine but with COVID-19 you are taking a risk going out and possibly becoming infected with COVID-19 and later dying of COVID-19. Sunday could be a good day for us to practise social distancing from COVID-19. Back to you Bill."
"Thanks Mike, in other news science has learn something new about COVID-19, COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID-19. Now a look at sports with Matt Ballsac. Matt?"
"Thank you Bill, the NBA has shut down all games due to COVID-19. Some of the players are in quarantine due to COVID-19. In other news the NHL have cancelled all games due to COVID-19 and one player has tested positive for COVID-19. There was an announcement today that COVID-19 will probably cause the cancellation of the summer Olympics. In other sports news one official is quoted as saying, "aaaaaahh! Aaahhh! It's COVID-19!" Now back to you Bill!"
"Thank you Matt, coming up we will talk to a doctor about COVID-19 and also our financial segment will explain how COVID-19 is destroying everyone's retirement savings. Then COVID-19 COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID. First let's check in with Sarah for your weekend entertainment."
"Thanks Bill, well this weekend would have saw some interesting movies coming out of Hollywood, if COVID-19 hadn't screwed everything up. All theatres will be closed due to COVID-19. This week in music also sees all concerts and festivals closing down due to COVID-19, basically go home because of COVID-19, lock your doors and watch tv for a year. Over to Janice!"
"Thank you Sarah, and now this breaking COVID-19 news.. it seems that the world famous writer of this blog has released a statement. In it he is quoted as saying... I look forward to a day when no one has to hear the flipping word [COVID-19] on the news anymore!!!" Stay safe everyone!
Thursday, March 19, 2020
Today I had the dilemma of shopping or not shopping for groceries. I was trying to weigh the pros and cons. I was looking at my grocery list and trying to decide what I could do without for another week or so. Then I was thinking that if things are going to get bad here like in Italy, another week or two would actually be worse. I was thinking that the virus isn't likely to be around this area at the moment, way out here in the country. Even in Ottawa the people testing positive were returning from other countries. It doesn't seem to be in the surrounding communities yet. I decided it's better to go now.
It felt surreal, all the other shops were closed, there were less than normal amounts of people at the stores. I also noticed the thin amount of traffic on the roads. You could just sense something unspoken, the tension between people trying to keep their distance from each other. The store was nearly empty, unusual for a Wednesday afternoon, I kept expecting a big hairy corona virus monster, to jump out from behind a display and start chasing after me. I went in with my list wondering what I would or wouldn't be able to get.
Baby spinach_____ check
Becel margarine__ NONE
Beans ____________ check
Spaghetti sauce___ check
Fresh fruit________ NONE
Sunflower oil_____ check
Bathroom tissues_ NONE
I got a few extras as well, there is a larger grocery store about ten minutes away so I went there and finished my list. The only things I wasn't able to buy were the bathroom tissues and oddly enough the basil. The toilet paper was also sold out in both stores but fortunately I have plenty. The first store had almost no meat left but the second store had plenty. I couldn't help feeling sorry for the workers, especially the cashiers. They are some of the few people who still have to work and they will deal with dozens and dozens of people every day.
I plan on going into hiding for two weeks now, hopefully Canada is ahead of this thing. I couldn't believe the people out who were coughing.. not only that but not covering their mouth. I also saw an elderly couple buying a few groceries, they were really elderly, possibly in their early nineties! I felt sorry for them, I was tempted to ask if they had children or grandchildren that could shop for them. People over eighty are in great danger from this virus, nearly 20% death rate, they shouldn't have been out.
Tuesday, March 17, 2020
Leaping Leprechauns what's happened to poor old St Patrick's day? No beer, no bars, no parade, no shenanigans of any sort! This March 17th is about as fun as an income tax deadline. We're mostly staying home with no work, no food and worried about illness, I guess you couldn't get more traditionally Irish than that!
Even the little people are practicing social distancing, staying away from toadstool rings, old oaks and fairy gatherings. I better stop there, I'm starting to sound like Dr Spo. Fortunately I already had my St Paddy's day a week ago. My neighbour decided to have an old fashion ceilidh.. sounds like "Kay-Lee", it's basically a kitchen party where people bring instruments and play Irish or Scottish tunes. They have tea or something stronger than tea, snacks and lots of jokes. I wore my latest in ceilidh evening wear. It just says Steve!
As usual a lot of people said they were going to come but didn't show up, everyone is too busy these days. That's okay, I enjoyed myself, one young girl brought a violin, she wanted to connect with her heritage so we had her playing old Irish tunes. She is also a cousin of mine so I was able to tell her stories about her grandparents who I knew well. She told me an interesting story about meeting a boy in her high school, she joked with him about looking very Irish-ish, he mentioned that his grandparents came from my area. When they tried to find out if they were related, the young girl said that they sort of were but not by blood.. by marriage. She told me that her great uncle had married the boy's great aunt and when she told me the names of the great aunt and uncle.. I said that's my mom and dad. It's amazing how connections can suddenly appear.
An interesting fact recently discovered is that scientists have learned, leprechauns actually poop gold nuggets, so yes... the pot of gold is actually the "potty" of gold.
What's Irish and lays out on the lawn. Patty O'Furniture.
1) The Irish actually invented pizza!
2) Rap music was actually created by Irish people first but it really took off in the African-American community.
3) If a person of Irish ancestry tells you three things in a row, the first two are usually complete lies. Gotcha?
Anyway whether you are Irish or not, on this day you can dance a little jig, have a little drink and hopefully bring a little smile to yourself and others, because we could all use a little spirit lifting right about now.
Monday, March 16, 2020
Today at noon our Prime Minister announced that we will no longer be accepting visitors to Canada. The exception being American citizens. I think that was a political move and is a mistake. However there's no point in tourists coming here. They are asking businesses to shut down and close their doors. Basically no special events, no theatre, no concerts, no restaurants, casinos or any type of tradeshows. Unless your dream vacation is sitting in a hotel room eating takeout, I suggest you cancel your travel plans if you are coming here. Prime Minister Trudeau called for all Canadians to "come home now" he said it's time to return home before it's too late and people get stuck in a foreign country, (you just know there's going to be idiots crying on the news in a week or two about this).
The idea is to slow down the spread of the virus so as not to overwhelm the healthcare system. I have to admit that I'm a little spooked. I have an issue where every cold or flu I get, eventually ends up in my lungs and instead of two or three weeks being sick, my illnesses, end up lasting weeks. It loves going after people 50 and other. We had been lucky so far but unfortunately it entered a long term care facility for the elderly and the death toll has hit four already. A staff member accidentally brought it in.
My mother's residence has banned visitors, I totally understand and agree with that decision, it was actually the provincial government that enacted this. Mom is physically very strong, I worry however as she likes to walk around touching everything and then often puts her hands in her mouth.
People are thinking this is only for a couple of weeks and then all is good. Unfortunately they don't realize until there is a vaccine, this will go on for months. I wonder how the anti vaccination crowd is feeling at the moment, this is what life would be like without vaccines.
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Saturday, March 14, 2020
It's my understanding that yesterday was Deedles birthday. Crap... as usual I'm late to the party! I decided to make it up to her by dedicating a post just to Deedles. Now I know many of you are going to say, "whaaa whaaa, you like Deedles more than us"! Ya so deal with it! Hahaha! In honor of Deedles, everyone is asked to make a traditional Deedles meal, sometime over this weekend. It involves making yourself a salami and grape jelly sandwich and listening to Helen Reddy tunes. Also a little twerking is encouraged.
My sweetie weetie pie Deedles, thank you for making me laugh, giggle, snicker, guffaw, spit my morning coffee, chuckle, knee slap, funny crying, big smiles, grin from ear to ear, have me saying awww... from all the funny comments you have left on my and other blogs over these last few years!!!
Sorry I'm late but I want to wish you the Happiest of Happy Birthdays and many many more! I'm so happy to have you as a blogosphere friend! :D
P.S. Friday the 13th... really Deedles you do know how to be different! Lol
Friday, March 13, 2020
The people of Ottawa have lost their minds! The federal and provincial governments, did suggest that people should have supplies on hand in case they had to stay home for a week or two. However what people heard was that, a zombie apocalypse is eminent and they must hoard supplies to last them for at least five years!!!! Aaaaaah!
There is definitely a little panic setting in, I can understand that. The news keeps saying to remain calm and yet before every news cast, there is dangerous sounding music thundering out and a deep voice saying Covit 19 emergency coverage... remain calm? Really? Ottawa had two more cases yesterday, one of them was Prime Minister Trudeau's wife Sophie. Canada also had its first death. The schools are going to be shut down until April, people are going to be working from home when possible, events like the St Patrick's day parade, hockey games etc, etc have been cancelled. The province of Quebec is thinking about closing shopping malls. There was going to be a St Patrick's day dance on Saturday for the LGBTQ community, featuring 70s and 80s music, I was excited about that but now decided not to go, I think it's going to be cancelled anyway.
Last night I went to get groceries, this was my first experience with people panic, until now things were calm. I like to shop for groceries around 8:00 p.m. because the store is empty. Last night the parking lot was full! Many of the shelves were empty, especially toilet paper, I don't get the toilet paper panic. A couple of small packs last me a year. A lot of the prices have been raised, no sales happening unless it's something people don't normally buy. I realized panic has set in. This morning the radio host was saying to stay away from areas with Costco stores, the traffic into the stores, are blocking the main through traffic flow. It's like black Friday Christmas shopping out there now!
Even my own situation, Mr X decided to go ahead with his plans and he went to California. Things are changing by the hour, I think that could potentially be a huge mistake. Now they are suggesting to stay away from anyone who traveled outside of the country for two weeks. He is not going to like this, he doesn't feel threatened by the virus. He gets in Saturday afternoon and was hoping to see me Saturday evening. I want to wait, I don't want airport germs!!! This could be our first argument, I do however really really really miss him.
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Unfortunately we learned today of our first covit 19 case here in Ottawa. A forty years old man that had returned from Austria. Apparently he is doing fine and is in self isolation. This is the first case here but definitely it won't be the last. I heard a specialist yesterday saying that we are not taking this serious enough. His point made total sense and was chilling. People get pneumonia all the time, they are hospitalized and may even have to go on a respirator for a while. Hospitals are equipped to handle this however it's usually a few people in a month. What happens when ten people show up at every hospital needing this care, what happens when it gets to twenty... thirty.. fifty... two hundred? Now something simple becomes overwhelming, a place ready to handle five people, can't handle five hundred people. He was saying that's why we need to be cautious and at least slow the spread so that the medical community can keep up.
I'm not trying to scare you, just it's not helpful when people say there is nothing to worry about. I see many of you have PSA announcements about washing your hands, a straight male friend sent me a good one that I think fits in well with 90% of my readers. I think being from a straight guy, it was just too good not to share. Lol.
Ummm, yeah that works for me. Also stay one meter or three feet from people when possible. At gay bowling Monday night, everyone was doing the elbow bump instead of shaking hands. Buy lots and lots of toilet paper, I'm not sure why but that seems to be the thing to do. Seriously you should stock up on things like canned or frozen food just to be safe. If your area or you suddenly experience lockdown, at least you have food on hand. Don't panic but treat it like a bad storm coming that will close everything for a week or so, use some common sense. I heard that the virus can live on a surface for over a week so keep in mind not only door handles but shopping carts, cafeteria tables, bank machines, your cellphone, laptops, bus or subway hand rails etc.
I hope nobody we know suffers from this, hopefully there will be a vaccine soon or it fizzles out. This gives us a glimpse of what could happen with a really dangerous plague, regarding how fast it could spread and get out of control, plus how fast the medical community could be overwhelmed.
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Yesterday I was hoodwinked! A certain adorably cute guy that I recently met, tricked me into going to a fast-food restaurant. We went to the American chain called Popeye's, they have only recently opened in Canada. I'm not a fan of the KFC type of chicken places, I haven't gone in years. I was told that Popeye's is not like that. Actually it's not... it's much much worse!
The entire experience was horrible, from the staff that want the paycheck but don't care about customer service, to the restaurant, to the food that's barely edible, complete garbage. I could even detect the slight scent of live chickens off the meat. I give it the official review rating of "YUCK"! What is it with American restaurant chains, that concentrate only on profits and absolutely nothing towards quality of food. They would love to serve you blobs of salted sugar, fried in grease if they could get away with it... disgusting!
Afterwards, in order to walk off the grease clogging up our arteries, we went into a large furniture store and walked around. Seriously the merchandise was so hideous, that I think every gay gene in my body fainted simultaneously! It was like an Ikea store had sex with a Tupperware factory and had a secret love child. A certain new friend, asked me what I thought of a couple of items, I would just give him a firm "NO".
Him: "But wouldn't this look good in my..."
Him: "Well it is my house after all".
Me: "Still no!"
Him: "Is this how it's going to be, geez we just met!"
Me: "I said no, put it down!"
Him: "Nahww, kinda bossy".
Me: "Sorry but my secret interior decorator won't allow you to buy that, I'm trying to save you." Lol
Monday, March 9, 2020
Yesterday I spent the entire day with my new "friend", it went really well, better than I could hope for to be honest. I'm starting to feel really bonded to this guy. I had given up all hope of finding a good relationship in the last couple of years, I'm a little stunned at times to be honest. The more I get to know this man, the more I want to know about this man. Sometimes it's the small things that tell me a lot about him, like when we're driving somewhere, he holds my hand, that sends electricity through me like crazy. He loves dogs, and is really kind to his two, they are devoted to him. That tells me volumes being from the country.
Yesterday we went to a museum and spent most of the day there. One thing that made me feel comfortable about us is that it was just like spending the day with a friend I have known for years. We talked about a lot of things, including getting a lot of uncomfortable issues out of the way. We also laughed, joked, giggled and said ewww at the same creepy crawly things. At one point we were in the giant killer bugs section and I said "I'm good", he looked at me and said "yeah me too" so we skipped it lol. We were finished by two so we went for a treat and then back to his place.
Once we returned, the two of us were so sleepy, from being out and from the time change as well. Also I couldn't sleep the night before from the excitement of knowing I would be with him again. I had crashed down on his couch. Suddenly this big grin came over his face, he took my hand and said, "follow me". We went to his room, snuggled up and had a nap. I had once joked about wanting to be the little spoon, so he tested that out. We drifted off, I woke up a few minutes later, he was sound asleep. My head was absolutely spinning from being held by someone and hearing him softly sleeping beside me.
When he woke up, we just lay there snuggling and cuddling the rest of the afternoon, that's something that I have really been missing, the touch of another person. I think it is so important, it's a healthy part of being human.
This guy makes me dizzy, I said to him again after leaving the museum, "thanks for making this experience romantic". Even while at the museum, he said to me, "I feel like a teenager again", I said there's nothing wrong with that, it's nice to feel like a teenager again. Then later he joked again while cuddling that it now made him feel like an awkward teenager, lol. I said awkward is good. I accidentally said the "b" word, yes... I said "boyfriend" as a description, he just laughed and said " no worries". Then he said, "we hold hands while driving, that's a date, it's safe to say we're dating".
Another date tonight, we are hanging out with a gay crowd this evening. He was actually supposed to go on vacation this week but the event was cancelled due to the virus and unfortunately he will lose his money regarding the flight ticket. I'm actually relieved that he is not going, I feel bad for him however.
Saturday, March 7, 2020
Time to let the cat out of the bag as they say. Yes I'm seeing someone, I have met a guy I like. I didn't want to blog about it because I wasn't sure how this was going to go. I've had my share of disasters and I just didn't want people feeling sorry for me if it ended after one or two dates. It feels very "right" I have no confusion regarding this man, there are no thoughts of "do I really like him" or "am I settling for him" none of those thoughts cross my mind, more like "holy cow, is this real"? I'm completely a wreck before each date because this guy does an absolute number on me by just being around me. I'm enjoying these moments, I never thought I would feel this way again.
I will give you more details later, I'm going to a party this afternoon at my neighbour's house so for now I'm just letting you people know. This all came with my usual Mr Bean moments however, like me on my way to our first official date and "POW" a flat tire on a cold, wind blown day. I called him to cancel and then after I hung up I said many many many many many many many very very dirty filthy bad words... many of them. At other times we would have snow storm warnings and we would have to cancel our plans. In frustration I would call him and we would talk for hours, it would feel like minutes but it would be hours.
I have to mention another Mr Bean moment that happened last night, it was awkward for a few minutes but fortunately sent us into giggles. He's a really sweet guy and decent. I thanked him yesterday for making this experience romantic and not cheap like a hook up. I want to feel comfortable going forward by making sure I'm not bringing anything "unwanted" into this relationship, yesterday I was looking up the hours of sexual health clinics to get tested. Many of the clinics have in the titles M4M on the websites. Later that evening after dinner, he suggested we go to a museum, this way we could do something where we get to be together and casually chat. I was thinking that museums close at 5:00 and since he had forgot his phone at home we were using my phone. As we typed in "m" for museums, my phone being ever so helpful, began opening up sites like "m4m SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES!!! Male SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS!!! Men HAVING SEX with men, PERVERTED DISEASED SEX FREAKS NAMED STEVE!!!!!
There was a moment of silence, I began to explain and he started laughing, he said not to worry that he thinks it's a good idea. Well at least it did open the door to that discussion on the way home and he was pretty open about everything. I think that's a healthy way to start off.
We are going to spend Sunday together, it's supposed to be a beautiful day. I'm just going to enjoy this part of my journey, it's only new, everyone has their quirks, I have to figure out his (plus minimize mine lol). I'm trying not to worry about a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. Have a good Saturday folks! :D
Thursday, March 5, 2020
It's odd, writing this post is making me feel anxious. There's nothing wrong, nothing to worry about, it's just some thoughts in my head. I'm thinking back to the day of my neighbour's funeral. Life works in odd ways, sometimes I can't help feel the universe is trying to say something to me.
As the family was entering the church, myself and a friend of mine, were standing at the doors, it's a way of respectfully greeting the family and keeping a breeze from embarrassingly closing the doors on the mourners. Being a large family they had to stop and stand there for a couple of minutes as the priest said first prayers over the coffin.
Right in front of me where the gay couple I mentioned in an earlier post, you couldn't plan it any better if you were trying to get to me. Standing there I was staring at exactly the relationship I want in life, what I need in life and I felt so alone in those few seconds. I don't need a Hollywood love story, I just need a partner in life, snuggled up on the couch together watching a movie is all the romance I need. I'm looking for togetherness and not a dating adventure. I watched as people spoke softly to the couple, there was no difference in their treatment, good people don't care anymore who you are with, good people are just happy for you.
That night and the next day was what really pulled me down. I'm a realist, as I get older, I become less hopeful of meeting someone. I suddenly felt this wall of despair like never before, that I will never feel love again, that I will never find a decent guy again. That I will just keep going through a file cabinet of flakes until I find someone that is the least flakey and maybe learn to live with it.
Having that outlook begins to wear you down, you don't notice it at first but one day you realize that you care less about things and that you gave up on yourself at some point. Life begins to look bleak future wise because every day looks like it will be the same old, same old, you hide it from everyone but you begin to feel dead inside.
Until one day... then one day that all changes, the clouds begin to break, the sun begins to shine, you have no clue what is happening at first, you're a bit shocked and in disbelief to be honest. You start to recognize what's happening, you try to pinch yourself awake but it's not a dream. You find yourself on one of life's roller coasters and you are about to excitedly plunge into the unknown, suddenly a simple smile can nearly take the legs right out from under you and you begin to care about the small things in life once more but most importantly you feel alive again... you feel alive again.
Wednesday, March 4, 2020
RIP Myhusband&I, yes another blog bites the dust and even worse it has been deleted, like it never existed. That's the hard thing about the blog community, we come to enjoy people and almost think of them as friends. Unfortunately some people no longer feel up to blogging and quit, which is perfectly understandable, yet we will still miss them. For my fellow bloggers, I would suggest not deleting your blog, at least for a little while, not because of my wishes but because one day you may want to look back. I almost did delete my blog when dad died and I broke up with my boyfriend. I'm so glad now that I didn't, I enjoy going back and reading about things I had completely forgotten about.
Sadly so many past favorite blogs no longer exists. Some of those posts were well written and it is almost like a work of art has been destroyed. However I fully agree that your blog... is your blog so do as you wish.
Thank you JP for letting us into your crazy, comical and loving life. We will miss your antics of eating in bed with Guido and your story telling abilities that drew us in. As a single gay man that was feeling hopeless about romantic relationships, you gave me that much needed hope of some day finding my own. Wishing you nothing but the best going forward in everything you gentlemen do.
Sunday, March 1, 2020
Friday I received a card in the mail, I was trying to think if there was a special occasion coming up. When I opened the envelope it was a thank you card from the family of the older neighbour who had passed away.
My dad did the same thing for years, I have been helping out for the last ten years. The truth is I'm not doing it for the church, it means nothing to me. Priests come and go, bishops come and go but the people are my friends, family and neighbors. Sometimes neighbors are more like family than actual family in small towns. The elderly people I feel have earned the right to have a beautiful send off and I do it for them. It's not because I think they are watching me and are pleased, I'm actually an atheist for the most part, so I believe they are gone, really gone and can't possibly know that I helped at all. Without saying then, I also don't believe angels are taking note of my good deed that day. Also I feel the family shouldn't have to worry about problems, they should be just concentrating on comforting each other. People did these same good deeds for us when dad died.
Besides just the simple things like opening church doors etc during the procession, the grave site needs to be prepared and carefully marked out. What a disaster if something was out of line and some sort of mix up happened. Not terribly difficult, just a little attention to detail; however nobody wants to do it.
The sad truth is there are no younger people helping out, they don't want to be bothered. I felt compelled to step in. However once the older people who contributed greatly when they were young are all gone, I will be finished. I'm not the only one who quietly gives up their free time to help, there are a few of us and sadly the key word is few.
As I was saying, I don't do it for any other reason than it just feels like the right thing to do. My way of saying goodbye to people who gave me cookies, pretended to steal my nose, smiled broadly when they saw me coming, pony rides, car rides, funny stories and my whole life were always around, until one day they weren't. I don't do it for praise but the touching Thank You meant a lot to me. It was totally unexpected; however not trying to sound like I'm looking for a compliment, I feel that is completely wrong, I just realized that over the last ten years of helping out families, this is the first time anyone has ever sent a note to say "thank you".
Saturday, February 29, 2020
I was feeling positive Monday morning after the fun I had last Sunday afternoon. I was still looking for guidance and so decided I needed to consult with the Mother Superior of our local convent. I confessed to her about being gay, she giggled and said, "oh sweetie, little country boys sing their daddy's country songs, not ABBA tunes, I already figured that out years ago". She reminded me that as a lady living in a building filled with man-hating women, she knew a thing or two about homosexuality. She then lifted her head and gazed out the window longingly towards the mountains. I told her about feeling lost and alone, she said to me, "when the lord closes a curling rink, somewhere he opens a bowling alley". I understood what she was telling me, my adventures must take me there. I thanked her and quickly left as she picked up her guitar and started singing "Climb Every Mountain", I then heard her mumble to herself "aw screw that" and suddenly switched to "Stairway to Heaven", oh sister Margaret Mary Margaret, you always were a card!
Yes I realized that evening would become a get together for "the gays". It was a perfect day, almost spring like, I decided to go. I'm really doing well with going to places where I don't know anyone. Honestly I think once you have gone to a nude Halloween party where you don't know anyone and stand there with your credentials out, you can pretty much go anywhere after that little adventure, it was a beneficial learning experience.
I arrived a little early and my gaydar went off regarding two men sitting there waiting. I introduced myself and then explained that I have never gone bowling in my life, they reassured me it's all about fun and not to worry. By six o'clock there was a good group of men gathered. They were giving me pointers on how to play better. I found if I could stay relaxed, I could do well. Curling actually gave me some helpful knowledge. I did unfortunately get a lot of gutter balls, I have a tendency to put a spin on my balls and... wait can't you guys just hear Maddie giggling! Anyway I put a spin on the balls and they kept heading towards the gutter.
I really enjoyed it, also the guys were a really friendly bunch, I'm so glad to have met them. They invited me to go with them after, I thought it was a bar but to my surprise it was to a coffee/pastries shop. That actually worked out well because I could talk with them. I find bars play music so loud that I can't hear what the people are saying and then I don't enjoy myself. These guys seemed down to earth and very ordinary, yay... my kind of people lol. Again I surprised myself with how I took part in the conversation, actually leading it at times. This is something I never saw myself doing years ago.
A friend asked me how I could do that, just show up somewhere and not know a single person. The truth is at a social function like that, people are there to meet other people and like me they are just too shy to say hello. I've never had a negative reaction yet. My only regret is I should have done this years ago. It was getting late and everyone started saying goodbye. A bunch of us walked back to our cars and the night ended, I had a lot of fun.
I'm not sure, I may take a break from blogging for a little while, we will see. If I'm suddenly not around, don't panic I'm okay just up to something. I have at least one more coming.
Thursday, February 27, 2020
Lately we keep hearing stories about sites that track you and are constantly collecting data about you. They always apologize... for getting caught, they are never sorry for getting away with it. There are usually promises to never do it again (this month) and ringing of hands. They offer up some sort of goody, everyone forgets and back to normal.. in a sinister way. I am not on any social media sites other than blogger but many of my friends are. Some have small businesses and so these sites help them to network.
Last week I happen to mention to a straight friend, about a guy who was cruelly bullied in high school, he was older than us. We were wondering what happened to him, we felt terrible for him. It was unbelievable the level some guys went, in order to humiliate this guy. My friend had actually forgotten about this guy. We were texting each other about him. A few days later, this same guy contacts my friend through Facebook, he said he received a notice about a potential friend and so contacted my buddy.
Coincidence? I don't think so, why after all these years would he get a suggestion about friending someone who had just been unknowingly to this man, talking about him. The guy that was bullied, as I said was older, he was never part of our group of friends. We don't have mutual friends, we never crossed paths since high school and yet... I mentioned his name a couple of times in a text and suddenly we are connected. Creepy, really freaking creepy.
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
Saturday was an odd day, actually it started Friday evening. I couldn't place my finger on it but something seemed off inside me. I went to the funeral on Friday for the older woman who died earlier during the week. It really got to me and for many reasons. It's not because I was close to this person but she was always around, another matriarch of the community gone, another thread to our past broken.
There was a guest speaker at the funeral who had lived around here but went on to have a career in television and radio, he spoke of this woman encouraging him as a young man, to follow his dreams. He also noted all the faces that he was expecting to see but are no longer with us. I always notice the absence of certain key people now as well. I ended up helping out at the funeral because there just isn't the people around to help anymore and I wanted this lady to have the send off that she deserves. I couldn't help think of when this woman's son who was killed with his family, they were our neighbors and good friends. Even me doing tasks that my father once did, I couldn't help think of him also. It was just very lonely for me that day.
The other thing that really got to me was seeing her grandson with his boyfriend of many years. I found that also emotional for me with how accepting the entire family is of them. It's not that the family is accepting of him, there is no accepting "the gay son/cousin/brother" it's even bigger than that, it's that he's just a part of the family like any of the other grandsons but happens to have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. It was beautiful to me but I also felt incredibly lonely and hopeless.
I realized that I am probably never going to experience that, a real relationship. The boys looked so good.. and so good together; however the only one who was probably noticing them was me. Again on Saturday I was having waves of hopelessness and a strong feeling of sadness. I want someone to support me like that at times when I just need a hug. I came to the conclusion that I will be alone from now on and I don't know what I can do to change that. Sure, the guys that I have been meeting with are nice guys but they are not really interested in making friends to hang out with, they certainly are not interested in finding a boyfriend. I'm not fitting in there anymore, it's not what I want, it's not what I need.
My sister called me about something Saturday morning and when I went to tell her about my latest visit with mom, I cried. She went silent, I caught myself off guard and said I was fine. Later throughout the day I would cry at the drop of a hat, I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness, it scared me to be honest. I went to email a friend, I said I think something broke inside me... but I didn't hit send. I went to bed.
The next day I felt better, we had the potluck and the final game of curling. Being around other people all afternoon regarding something fun really helped to lift my spirits.
I'm not sure what that was, it was emotional and unsettling. I'm okay now so don't be worried. I wanted to write about it on Saturday but just couldn't do it. On Sunday I was not going to mention it at all but then I thought I should write about it, maybe someone else will have the same experience and won't feel like they are the only one. Sometimes it's hard to realize that life doesn't turn out how you wanted it to and that the clock is ticking. Sometimes you also have to realize that you can't always change things... so have a potluck with friends, drink a little wine and forget about it.
Sunday, February 23, 2020
The last few days have been gorgeous here, sunny and +5 to +7 Celsius or around 42 Fahrenheit. This has been a good winter on average. It's nice to see the snow melting and hearing a few extra birds around. Today is a sure sign that spring is on its way, because better than groundhog day, today was Curling Potluck day! It's the final game of the winter, plus a season end celebration afterwards. When the curling season ends, spring is around the corner lol.
I can't believe it's over for another year already. Even more unbelievable to me is that this is the end of my second year, time really does fly by. It's a really fun way to pass the winter months and not get cabin fever. Today we mixed up the players and the new team I was on got the highest points, so we were each given $20.
Afterwards we had a trivia contest using our regular teams, we came in second. The question none of us knew was, "what do they call a stove in England"? The Canadian, American, Australian readers can try and guess the answer. Then finally they said "let's eat"! The food was so good, all types of salads, quiche, meat pie, meatballs, homemade beans, homemade sausage and on and on. Too many dishes to sample, I went back to try a few more but a man needs room for desserts. Those were also amazing and all homemade of course. To drink with it I had wine from a box... lol that sounds so funny to me but it actually wasn't that bad. I'm not really a wine drinker so maybe Dr Spo or William just fainted after reading the "wine in a box" sentence. ;D
Everything was over by six and we all said our goodbyes for another year. I left my broom behind with the club brooms, that made me a little sad lol, we have been through so much together. I'm not sure where I will be next year so in case I'm no longer playing, someone will be able to get some use out of it. I gathered up my stuff and walked out the area door, it was six o'clock.. and it was still daylight, can't help feeling like... whew we're almost there!
Thursday, February 20, 2020
Last week another matriarch of the community I live in passed away. It will be odd not to see her out and about, at all the local events. A warm friendly woman with many many interesting stories that will now be lost with her passing. She was widowed at a young age with a business to run and a house full of kids. Now well into her nineties, she was still living at home, still driving her car and still sharp as ever. She died at home with family around her.
I think that's the best any of us could hope for, to be smart, independent and active at that age. Life takes many sharp turns and we never know what will happen. As an example, I remember my dad and I talking to this woman's daughter when I was a teenager. I remarked to dad later how the daughter was the spitting image of her mother. On the way home, we bumped into the mother and my dad said an old local expression, "you will never be dead as long as your daughter lives". Meaning every time someone looks at the daughter, they will remember the mother. However a few years later, the daughter died of cancer while the mother went on to live another thirty plus years, life is strange like that.
She lost a couple of her adult children and became the rock for her college aged grandchildren who still needed a little guidance. Even though she was from an older generation, she fiercely loved her gay grandchildren (yeah) equally to her straight grandchildren. She was a kind person, she used to drive around other widowed elderly women so that they wouldn't become isolated. Sad but not sad, she saw a lot of tragedy but at least she got to live her life on her terms until the end.
Speaking of the end times, some of us were discussing plans for ourselves after we kick the bucket. Since I'm on a cemetery committee, I have become used to these topics. I'm trying to make it as easy as possible for my sister if I go first. When it comes to burial, coffin or cremation, I joke and say, "surprise me"! I guess cremation, that would be the easiest, I'm leaving it up to her, I don't care, she will be the one handling it. I definitely don't want a wake, that's gross.. people staring at my body, creepy. I don't think many people would come. I'm not religious so I say no funeral either. It's up to her, if she wants a little life celebration gathering that's fine. I'm also very offended by funeral homes preying on grieving families and soaking them with extras that cost more than they are worth. I want her to go cheap and save money. I would rather have my sister and her partner toast me on a beach somewhere tropical while enjoying themselves, than buy some tacky pictures or plastic flowers with that awful "Footprints" poem.
What about you, have you thought about being buried in a coffin, cremated, something else or are you too frightened to think about it? Have you made any funeral plans known to a loved one so that somebody knows your wishes? Happy topic right? Seriously there is no use getting panicked over it, the topic is uncomfortable but it doesn't have to be, life is like a party, sometimes it's good, sometimes great and sometimes not that great, all parties good or bad come to an end however and we need to leave.
Tuesday, February 18, 2020
Grey hair, it's out there, it's everywhere, it's coming for all of us. I remember in my late thirties starting to find grey hair. I actually thought it was a little cool, I would think to myself, "I'm a mature man". At that age grey hair doesn't feel threatening and the hair was more like a white version of my red hair. I also found that sometimes when I pulled it out (boing) it came back in red. My only real worry was my ever growing bald patch on top. I joked with friends that I didn't worry about snow on the roof, I worried about shingles falling off!
When I was twenty six and dating my first boyfriend of twenty seven, he was turning a salt and pepper colour of hair. I found it attractive to be honest. Being with someone like that made me feel used to the idea of being grey. My mother is only turning grey now at eighty one, when she started to find grey hair in her seventies, people asked her if she was going to colour her hair. She would always say, "no, because I earned all my grey hair"!
In my forties I noticed my sideburns getting some silver and white mixed in but that seemed to be mostly it, as far as going grey was concerned. Still didn't bother me and I accepted it as me ageing. Sometimes one grey hair in the wrong place would become a target of my scissors but I mostly over looked them. Again it was the ever expanding solar panel on top that was annoying to me.
Now however grey hair is a threat to me, it reminds me of my stage in life, it's going to change my appearance and I'm not ready for that. The first time I took note was when I decided to stop shaving two years ago. I sometimes will sport a beard in the late fall or middle of winter. By day three, there seemed to be a lot more blond colour in my beard than I remembered from past years. By day four, I realized it wasn't a blond colour that I was seeing in my beard, it was greying whiskers. I looked like I had been eating powered donuts and got the icing sugar all over my chin. I immediately shaved that sucker off, then crawled into bed in a fetal position while sucking my thumb. I now notice grey in my eyebrows and a man can only pluck so much. I have grey hair, no I mean.. I have GREY HAIR.. aaaaaaah! When I comb my hair, I'm starting to see a lot of grey hair.. and it's not that distinguished looking grey hair, it's old grizzly looking grey hair, like I could scrub pots and pans with it! There goes my plans for a modeling career, oh well. Finding a grey hair now is like seeing a pimple developing just before the high school dance! Aaaah! Lol, just another thing to learn to live with as I plunge rapidly down the hill. No wonder all you old bloggers are so grumpy all the time. :D
Monday, February 17, 2020
Being the nerd that I am, I'm always watching nature shows, first on tv and now on line. I used to watch the crocodile Hunter with Steve Irwin, I enjoyed him but I also found him annoying at times, a bit too hyper active. I also felt he was to invasive of the animal's space, instead of just observing, he would run in and catch whatever it was. Sadly this habit of getting too close is what lead to his early death, time passes and he had been gone over thirteen years already.
The other day I stumbled on some clips of his son Robert, almost the spitting image of his dad with the same enthusiasm for animals. The clips are actually three years old, Robert is a sweet thirteen year old boy here. My favorite part is Jimmy Fallon being terrified of the animals, lol... big baby! Hope you smile.
Sunday, February 16, 2020
Lately my home page news feed is really letting me down. Those sites are supposed to send you stories that are of interest to you. I'm careful to only open legitimate sites with real news, not the frantic headlines that Meghan Markle broke a fingernail, that way it's supposed to keep track of the type of stories I like to read. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be happening. Nothing annoys me more than stories about some celebrity that's dating/marrying/knocking-up or divorcing some other celebrity, sometimes all in one week!
Today was the worst, a steady stream of people I have no clue who they are, I don't care what they are doing and I certainly don't give a rat's behind who they were wearing last week at some awards show that I didn't watch. This is not news, this is gossip and gawking, ugh! I don't obsess over the news because that's not healthy either but it's good to be aware of what is happening in the world, which unfortunately most people don't. No wonder everything is in such a mess.
Saturday, February 15, 2020
It's funny how the things we think of as important, change over time. I think of what was important to us in our twenties, thirties and onwards. I text a friend this evening and asked what he was up to. At one time it would have been training for some sports event or getting ready for a big project. Sometimes it was for an extended trip to the other side of the world where he would live for two or more months.
Tonight the answer is more important than any of the above things mentioned. He became a devoted dad very late in life to a sweet and very clever little girl. The excited answer was, "I'm helping my daughter bake a chocolate cake, the first time I've ever done that in my life!
Friday, February 14, 2020
It's Valentine's day, yeah.. have a happy blah blah blah! No just joking, I'm not against the day, yesterday's post was me having a bit of fun. Some people like this day while some people call this just another Friday. Every year I keep hearing about surveys asking people to name a good Valentine's day movie. Hopefully it has finally changed now but for many years Pretty Woman was voted as the top movie for Valentine's, that makes me ill! Just what every young girl dreams of, leading the glamorous life of a prostitute until one day an extremely rich and handsome man sweeps her off her feet, where they live happily ever after. Like that happens all the time, as if!
I want to mention my own movie picks for Valentine's this year. I may be watching one this evening because everyone needs a little romance in their life, either on screen or real life. It's a bonus if you have a snuggle partner and can have the best of both worlds.
First pick is a gay film of course. There are many many good ones out there but I'm going with the latest one that really moved me. "Call Me By Your Name".
My second pick is from the straight world of movies and I love it, I find it romantic. It was released in 1991 and it's called "Dogfight" starring River Phoenix and Lili Taylor (six feet under).
River stars as a young soldier about to go off to war in Vietnam. On their last nights in town, the young soldiers play a mean trick on certain women. They hold a dance and invite a date but the terrible secret is that it's a contest for the soldiers to bring the ugliest woman and win a prize. River meets Lili who is very plain Jane and also a little eccentric. He takes her out but as he gets to know her, he begins to fall for her, eventually she learns what his initial plans for her were and... well you need to watch the movie.
There you have it folks, my Valentine's day movie picks. What about you? Do you have a favorite romantic movie or two? If anyone says Pretty Woman you are getting half eaten chocolates and brown, dried up roses next year!
Thursday, February 13, 2020
It's a cold, blustery winter's day out here in the middle of nowhere-land. The snow keeps falling and falling, plus constantly drifting. I think the bleak frozen landscape is a metaphor for my love life.
Tomorrow is Valentine's day, there is nothing more depressing than a day to remind you, that out of seven billion people, not a single one of them wants to be with you. Maybe I'll try to get my tv to work, I could make myself one of those frozen microwave dinners, eat it by candlelight, cry softly to myself while watching "Big Bang Theory" reruns or worse.. "Grey's Anatomy", that should properly ruin the day.
While deciding which blanket I would sadly wrap myself up in, to console my lonely heart, I saw that I had mail. Ugh! I pulled on my snow battle gear and made the long journey to the mailbox, in waist deep snow, up hill both ways. I opened the mailbox and... and.. what's this!!! A bright red envelope with a heart drawn on it? It's a card??? IT'S A CARD!!! An actual Valentine's day card!!!! Some.. one.. sent.. me.. a.. card!
It's a cute one too! It says "Do I wish you a happy Valentine's day"? Open the card and, "you bet giraffe I do"! Hahaha! I was really touched.. somebody cares after all, someone was thinking about me :,),, (sniff sniff) maybe Valentine's day is not that bad after all, maybe I'll meet a friend for dinner instead of eating alone, one day spring will come and chase away this snow, life is good.
Oh, and you may be wondering who the adorable sweetie was that sent the card? The note inside said, "Happy Valentine's day XOXO Maddie. :D
Wednesday, February 12, 2020
Today in Canada we got word that columnist/journalist/reporter Christie Blatchford died and that made me extremely sad to hear. She certainly was a force to be around but what I liked about her was that she investigated her stories, she just didn't retype what she read like most lame media does now. She wanted to know the truth even when most people didn't want to hear it and I really respected that. I feel we lost an independent thinker and voice something desperately needed in this day and age. Some people loved her work, others hated it but that's what happens when you stand firm behind what you think is correct, not a lot of strong, intelligent people out there anymore in media.
Monday, February 10, 2020
Went to go gay bowling this evening, there was only street parking; however there are "no parking" signs everywhere. The city was handing out $75 tickets all day because of the snow yesterday, I don't want one of those.. $75 ouch! I ended up driving around and around and around looking for a spot, I'm not familiar with the area.
I had to be there by 6:15 and my watch said 6:35, I tried a couple of different side streets, no luck. There were "no parking signs on the same poles as parking signs, WTF? I was boiling by this point, I suddenly realized that I was too late, now I was no longer interested in going. I just said "f# off Ottawa, no wonder everyone thinks this city is a joke!" City council would love nothing more than to completely remove all cars from Ottawa, they want everyone to ride their bikes to work at -31. I'm really peeved.. well actually peeved is not the word! I don't understand why people can't hold things in easy accessible areas. I just gave up. I'm going to eat now.
Sunday, February 9, 2020
First, let me just clarify that I wasn't complaining about the warmer than usual temperatures over the last few weeks, just in case some weather gremlins happen to be reading this post. Last night was "EEEEK" degrees in wake up temperature, or -31 Celsius.. -23.8 Fahrenheit in normal people language. I'm not going out until April!
Very disappointing considering that Winter Pride was this week. I missed out on everything due to bad weather. Not that upsetting really, most things were geared towards younger people or didn't really hold a lot of interest for me. I think there is a Parade today but I have other plans so I'm not going to be there. Anyway at -31 it's not like I'm going to get to see skin, at that temperature, things could snap off!
Baby it's cold outside, this is the only moon you will get to see! Silent night, frozen night?
Are you lonely? This morning I was listening to the radio and they were talking about loneliness, a woman emailed and said she moved here six months ago and is incredibly lonely because she doesn't know anyone. I get that, to be honest I'm lonely most of the time, it's one of the reasons for being on here. It's also another reason I would like to have a boyfriend, I would enjoy the companionship.
The radio host did some research into the effects of loneliness and what she discovered shocked her. The effects of years of loneliness can be equivalent to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day, it shortens your life span, she said people who are alone and feel lonely, have a 26% higher chance of developing Alzheimer's or dementia, (that scared me). Naturally these people also have much higher chances of developing mental health issues like anxiety and depression. She said more and more people are reporting they feel extremely lonely, she also noted that it used to be mostly elderly people but that now younger and younger people are saying they feel lonely.
She then went on to talk about ways to try and combat this. That's the part I find really frustrating, people say they are lonely but don't want to spend one ounce of effort in trying to combat it. Fore example, I joined some social groups to get out more often, I felt I needed to take charge of my sparse social life. Some of the groups are LGBTQ community groups and some are not. Even though the groups may have a thousand people in them, I can't tell you how many times events have been cancelled because only three or four people signed up to go.
I think people are sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring, thinking that at any minute Brad Pitt or maybe Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are going to call "hey Mildred/Doug/Bernice, what are you doing tonight, want to hang out?" That's never going to happen so Mildred, Doug and Bernice should accept that and plan on getting together themselves for a movie night... but they won't. They will say that they are too busy but then will watch tv all evening. Other people claim to be lonely but want to argue with every point upon meeting new friends and end up driving them away. I remember my sister and her friend staying at a small boarding house for girls when they first moved to the city. There was a young woman there who complained about no one wanting to be friends with her. My sister and her friend tried to include this woman as much as possible in any social activities they did. After awhile they gave up, it was like a job trying to include her and she was completely uncompromising with activities. Some people need to realize they are isolating themselves.
Everyone is always marching around taking selfies and not wanting to meet with actual people. Nobody has time to stay connected but they have lots of time to watch hours and hours of programs on Netflix and think this is some great accomplishment. People thump their chest exclaiming they are their own best friend; however when a radio host asks if you are lonely, her switch board lights up with dozens and dozens of people saying yes, "yes I'm lonely".
Saturday, February 8, 2020
I was in a local discount store two weeks ago (Giant Tiger) and buying the usual things that I needed. I saw bird seed on sale for $6.79 a large bag. I had the choice between the yucky seed that nobody wants with a few sunflower seeds added in.. or a full bag of sunflower seeds which all the birds love around here. It was a good deal so I bought it. I don't believe in feeding wild birds for many many reasons, including bringing too many birds into one area. However it was the end of January, all the wimpy birds have left, only the real hardy ones remain and they are the local birds.
My main target is the Black-capped Chickadees, so so cute! A friend's son once said to me, "aww cute, they look like tiny Killer whales."I lifted this picture from another blog, so not my picture! I also have a devious plot afoot, I place sunflower seeds on the window ledges to attract the chickadees, then on warmer days, they catch the flies trying to get into the house, muahaha! I scatter the seeds in different places, this way everyone gets a chance. Besides the chickadees, I get Blue Jays, Buntings, some little grey birds, squirrels and even the odd crow. Everyone is hungry at this time of year.
Today I had some interesting visitors come to the sunflower seeds, I didn't even know they would eat sunflower seeds.
Friday, February 7, 2020
A high school friend and I had a bit of a disagreement this afternoon and I'm slightly offended. This is all Sixpence's fault, he started the argument. Joking aside, I was reading Sixpence's blog regarding being bullied in high school because he was too fabulous for the stupid people. I wasn't bullied for being gay, I was picked on for small size and not doing that well in sports, which was bad enough, I would certainly never tell anyone that I was gay and have that added in as well.
I was discussing this with my friend and saying how ashamed I am with myself for taking part in name calling of a student that clearly fit the stereotype of a gay person for those times. He had no memory of the incidents. I reminded him that this poor guy's bus came in last every morning and when this poor kid would walk through the school cafeteria to the locker room, the guys would start shouting fag, queer, gay boy and calling his own name in a lispy voice. This happened almost every morning. I feel it's a wonder he didn't attempt suicide.
My friend has no memory of this happening, I thought that odd but then on the other hand I would see it differently than he would since I'm gay and he isn't. He asked me if he ever took part, since he is a really sweet guy now, I didn't want to shock him so I said it was a long time ago. He understood what I was doing but then tried to imply that he always had an open mind, even regarding gay people and that I must be remembering it wrong. What I didn't tell him (and now I know he would never believe me) was that, he was one of the most vocal in our age group. Woke??? Unless woke was spelled h.o.m.o.p.h.o.b.i.c back in the eighties I don't think that term would apply.
When he said that he didn't trust my memory that something like that happened, I reminded him that it was probably nothing to him; however I was sitting there thinking, "holy sheet" I'm never going to let this anti gay mob find out the truth about me! Those incidents were burning themselves into my memory. I don't think a person just makes something like that up in their head! Yes our memories do play tricks on us over time but there is a huge difference between, was it fifteen guys shouting at one poor kid or twenty guys shouting, versus that never happened, we just sat there quietly waiting for the bell to ring.
That really started to rub me the wrong way. I can forgive anything my friends said or did back then, we were kids, it was a different time, even almost a different culture, heck I didn't even know what gay really was. It's water under the bridge, I dealt with it long ago, I didn't hold any grudges. However don't tell me that I didn't experience that, don't tell me that I didn't hear my own friends say really hurtful homophobic things.. because you can't handle the truth that you were not always an open minded guy. You weren't St.Tolerance of Liberal land, just deal with it and move on. I asked him does he not think there was a reason I felt I couldn't tell him until later in life about myself. I can forgive all the past sins regarding homophobia especially with my friends... but I draw the line at whitewashing my experiences as a gay kid just so someone can feel better about themselves, I don't think I can forgive that.
Thursday, February 6, 2020
I only have a few minutes to get in a post by midnight. Hmmm, let me think of something.
Here it goes... at every level of government, we elect people that for the most part, we wouldn't want running a company that we invested heavily in. There.. how is that for last minute thoughts!!! That just shows the poor choices of people we usually have at elections, it's not the best person that we pick, it's the least incompetent of the bunch that we usually get stuck with.
Wednesday, February 5, 2020
Yesterday I decided to do a little shopping, the local grocery store (local is 35 minutes away) had closed a few days ago, only to reopen across the street in a larger, more modern facility. The place looks great and the selection is as good as anything in the city. The prices however were not that great, the sales there have a catch. A loaf of bread can be $2.50 to $3:00.. but only if you buy two or three loaves. I'm single, I can't eat that much bread! I know that I can freeze it or put it in the fridge but the taste gets lost. A single loaf of bread is $3:90, no thanks I have an alternative, same with things like celery, two for $5, I can barely use up one bunch of celery, what am I supposed to do with two or three bunches? There are only so many different soups and sauces a person can make.
The cost of things today is crazy, a hundred dollars at one time was a huge amount of money to have in your pocket, now it's almost similar to having $25 back in the eighties. I know it's natural for prices to rise but it sure seems unnatural for salaries to rise. Yesterday I went there with two $50 bills in my wallet, I wanted to break them so I decided to use cash instead of a debit card. I did buy some items at the grocery store, they had fresh fruit and vegetables so I picked up some. The bill, $20.. well not so bad. With the new grocery store, also came a new gas station, very convenient as there was no station for 30 minutes either way, plus the price is almost the same as in the city. I was below half a tank so I filled my car up.. another $20, again not that bad. I stopped at a discount store, they have groceries and other things. I bought bread and some other items at a much better price than the grocery store, my phone rang, "hello?"
"Meow meow meow, me,ewe me,ewe meow!"
"Okay Kitty I'll check, I know you're low on Whiskas, and yes I'll try to get the beef or chicken.. and I absolutely promise not to buy seafood flavored or meow mix or no-name brand cat food". [Click] I really need to get the phone away from her! Anyway I also bought a pair of long underwear, one of my favorite pair died around the waist band and became leg warmers every time I wore them. They're probably twenty years old so they paid for themselves. I paid for my items.. $38.
It would be late by the time I got home so I decided to pick something up to eat, another $12 for a total of $90 spent in a few minutes. When I got home I took everything out of my environmentally friendly grocery bags and placed them on the counter. It's surprising how little you get for $90 these days. Spending $60 at the grocery store used to give you quite a few bags of groceries, now it's a couple of cans of soup, some fruit, veggies maybe a box or two of cereal and a package of chicken breasts.
I broke my 50s alright, I think I broke the bank lol, I have $10 left, I drove away wondering what happened to my money! I have to do better at watching my money. I still have a large freezer full of food, I could get away without buying actual food for a long time. I have been getting into my spaghetti sauce, homemade soups and stews lately. There are a lot of emergency goodies in there as well, such as frozen pizza, I just add a few extras to make them better and voila, a delicious pizza. Now however my difficult task will be convincing someone that seafood flavor kibble on sale, is just as good as beef flavored.
Tuesday, February 4, 2020
Last night I had the most bizarre dream. I was in my late thirties and one of my closest friends was a woman around the same age. Not that unusual for me except in real life.. I have never seen this woman before! Yet in the dream she meant a lot to me.
Also in the dream, apparently we were both getting comfortable with our sexuality but still had curiosities. One weekend while I was staying over at her place, we drank a little too much, got a little too comfortable with each other and it eventually led to sex. Having not planned for the situation, I didn't use protection. The dream was taking place in offices, they were legal/medical combination type offices and I was asked to come down there by my friend's lawyer. She had become pregnant from our night together and decided it was best to place the child up for adoption, they needed me to sign off.
I suppose you people will think I'm about to laugh at this and make jokes about it.. but I can't. Like I have mentioned before, my dreams are very vivid, very emotional, very real. The feelings were very intense, very draining. If I could only write books as believable as I can dream, I would be famous.
Back to my dream, I was a bit shell shocked but knew this day was coming, I wanted to do the right thing. I was told a nice couple were adopting the baby and wanted everything to go smoothly, they were afraid of me trying to claim the baby later on. I felt since the mother had put so much effort into preparing a better life for her baby, the least I could do was just sign my name.
After signing, it really hit me, I just signed away my child. I asked if I'm allowed to know, boy or girl? They said, "boy" and I thought, "I have a son.. I just signed away my son". I was trying not to cry but was failing, (I was soaking my pillow in real life). There was a doctor there and she was compassionate towards my feelings, other people were annoyed with me, I assume they worried that I may change my mind. I said half embarrassed to the doctor, "just the one time that I make a slip up and look at the seriousness of the results". She was trying to be comforting but also driving home a point, she said something kind to me but also implied to be more careful in the future and that I'm an adult, not an uninformed teenager. I walked out thinking I just gave up my one chance at being a dad but I knew I had to think of the baby more, I needed to give him a good chance in life, I needed to do right by him.
I woke up in tears, I couldn't believe that I had done something so stupid late in life, I had been so smart earlier on. I wondered if my son would resent me, maybe even hate me. As I was sitting up, ashamed, upset, grieving, drained, exhausted, embarrassed and in tears, the fog began to lift and suddenly. Wait.. I'm no longer thirty (shhht), I don't know any woman who looks like that, I've never even had sex with a woman! I don't have a kid! A huge sense of relief came over me, I DIDN'T CREATE A HORRIBLE MESS! Seriously where does this come from! That's emotional self torture, I think that I have enough on my plate without feeling broken hearted over a non existing child. Then I felt white hot anger towards whatever part of my brain runs these very detailed nightmares. I mumbled out loud, "aaah you f...er!"
Monday, February 3, 2020
I'm not one to gamble, I have enjoyed myself at a few casinos but to be honest, it's usually at the dessert buffet where you find me enjoying myself. I go in with a spending limit in mind so there is no pressure to try and win. I haven't gone in about nine years, I also quit playing any lotteries long ago. There were some good ones for only a dollar so I felt it didn't hurt to try, I considered it part of my entertainment dollars.
The odds of winning are staggering, you have a greater chance of enjoying a Grey's Anatomy episode than winning the lottery. I began to take note of these odds when the price of lottery tickets started to rise. I also noticed the odds, when I ran a group at work for five years. There were about thirty of us and the most we ever won was $40. All winnings went back into buying extra tickets and it never helped. Lottery tickets went from $1 to $2 and then to $5, that's crazy, I slammed the door shut regarding buying anymore tickets. I know politicians giggle and call lotteries a tax on stupid people, or a tax on the poor so they are not getting a penny more out of me. People at work try to get me to join their groups, one person said, "you never know what tomorrow will bring". I said, "yes I do, tomorrow you will be back here at work and I will still have my five dollars".
Never has my way of thinking become more clear to me as on the weekends. Each week when curling is finished, everyone gathers in the arena bar. We talk about missed shots, perfect shots, never reaching our Olympic dreams (lol) and compare stats. During this time they hold a 50/50 draw to raise funds for the arena upkeep. I always buy tickets, they are $5 but I get an afternoon out and so it's only fair to support the building needs. This is my second year and I have never won which is not unusual; however I sometimes feel that the lottery gods are taunting me!
Last year for example, one week Margaret won the draw, then the next week she won again to everyone's laughter, the following week as they announced the winning number, we heard Margaret say.. "Oh no". All everyone could do was laugh, Margaret was embarrassed and called for another ticket to be pulled. However we all agreed that the way the numbers are picked, are completely transparent and she won fair and square, so she deserved the money. The following week when the numbers were pulled, nobody seemed to have the winning ticket, we all looked at Margaret who then nervously checked her ticket, with a huge sigh of relief she said it wasn't her and everyone burst out laughing. When it quieted down, from the end of the tables we heard, "it's me, I have the winning ticket". We all starred in disbelief as Mike... Margaret's husband held up the winning ticket!
The odds of that happening are unbelievable and yet it happened. There are only around thirty people each week that play, so I should have a shot at winning but I never will, I'm not lucky, nobody in my family ever wins something like this. The Margaret story is not the only oddity, each week last year and this year the freak show continues. One week a woman will win, the following week her adult daughter will win, followed by either a husband winning or son in-law. Many people will win twice in a row. Last week and this week, they had guest players, people that are trying curling for the first time, to see if they would like to join. Both the person last week and the person this week on their first day playing won. Each person gets three tickets for $5, some people buy $10 worth and still don't win. It shows me that it's all a matter of bizarre luck, mostly however it shows me that if I can't win out of thirty people, what chance of winning out of 30 million people do I have!
Saturday, February 1, 2020
Wow.. it's Febrawary, Febraberry, Febrewary, it's the month after January already! February, the other bone chilling month, it's like January and February are a wrestling team that tag each other in to break you. I have to be honest and say this winter has been mild so far. Things can still happen, temperatures can still drop but we hit the halfway point so that still gives me piece of mind.
I'm going to hit you with an odd question so feel free to NOT answer if you have no thoughts. A friend and I have been discussing some books, very much in nerd territory. I asked him... and now I will ask you.. just for some thoughts.
I said that I wonder how long humans will last. I said I wonder if humans will still be here in a thousand years. If yes, will we be advanced people, living in harmony with nature,(because we finally learned we had to)? Driving electric cars, having wind and solar energy for our homes and other inventions not even dreamed of yet, or will we be basically tribes again, wandering around trying to survive after years of terrible wars, runaway diseases and extreme weather disasters?
What do you think, in a thousand years will we be extinct, advanced or regressed? Explanations are welcomed. As for myself, at one time I would have said advanced, now I'm just not so sure anymore.
Thursday, January 30, 2020
I received an email that our mini winter Pride starts on Monday. I'm not sure if the weather is going to cooperate but Ottawa has a winter festival called Winterlude. It's actually a little too warm these days so things like skating and ice sculptures may not be able to happen unfortunately. At the same time that Winterlude is happening, the LGBTQ community piggybacks a winter Pride week of fun things to do, a gay old time!
Last year there was a Winter Pride Parade, unfortunately it was about -30 Celsius in 2019 when it happened, hopefully it won't be that bad this year. I have to look, I'm not sure if there is a parade again this year. I was going to play tourist to help pass the winter months away, I see many of the places I want to visit are having pride events... convenient much!!! I get to go and bump into other gay people. Of course realistically nothing will come of it but at least I get to be part of the herd. Gay or straight, I really do hope that it gets cold enough for people to skate on the canal, that's one of the attractions.
It will be nice to see a little color in winter, especially a little rainbow color. My first date with my ex Dan was at Winterlude so there is a bit of gay nostalgia there. I will never forget talking to a fellow blogger about it because he and I had both read a gay love story based in Ottawa and the first time the characters realized why they liked each other so much.. was when one kissed the other while skating on the canal. Maybe I will get lucky and meet my future husband there, maybe like in the book he will kiss me on the ice while a gentle snow falls around us. Okay probably not, most likely not, actually absolutely no way that is ever going to happen, maybe I will just have a hot chocolate and a good time. :D