Dumber & Dumberererer

Way back in my younger days, when the Internet began to catch on and was becoming part of most homes, I felt excited for mankind. I thought it would leap humans into a new level of existence, one where people would become more worldly if not at least better educated. It never occurred to me at the time that people would use it to spread untruths and have groups even more in the dark about life. It also never occurred to me that people would read facts about a subject and say "nah that is too hard to process so I am going against what all these scientists and doctors say and I will believe this goof with little or no education". I can't understand why people 'want' to be stupid. I feel so frustrated at times now we have not only growing numbers of people who believe we are not actually gay, just damaged straight people waiting to be turned back, but we also have growing numbers of people who think Hitler never did a mean thing but was just misunderstood, our great great grandparents ate all the dinosaurs, no one ever landed on the moon, the CIA took down the towers so Bush could go get oil in Iraq, HIV does not cause AIDS or that the CIA released AIDS on the world, the world will end in 2012 and if that fails then 2029 and if that fails 2036 and if that fails..... I'm so disappointed in the way it turned out, I should have realized that people always want to take the easy way, why spend the time looking a subject up on the net where you may actually learn something. Think, with the knowledge we have these days, life could have become so much better for people everywhere but honestly now that I have outgrown my innocence of youth, I know that will 'never' happen, that is just a fact, that sounds awful but it is just human nature to never let that happen. We will only use modern technology to make things worse or control people better. When I see a person on TV crying because after years of ignoring the warnings, they feel mislead I get bored, I think "too bad" maybe that sounds mean but I just get so tired of these people who just absolutely refuse to listen to reason until it is too late, I feel they were mislead because they wanted to be mislead, don't ask us to make it all go away, you were warned and now you must pay the piper.

Maybe I'm in a bad mood, maybe it is a form of gay-man PMS but when I'm on here in the blog bubble and most people (gay or straight) are so open, I forget about the outside world, however as soon as I go on any other sites it can be a shocker in how mean spirited people can be. Since I am from the country, sometimes I read sites or blogs dealing with subjects regarding the country, like horses for example. Not to be picking on you guys but the American sites are the funniest, not funny ha ha but funny dark. They always list their likes as "raising livestock the way Jesus would want us to" then they say "loving the lord Jesus and living as he would" then "selling guns, shooting, hunting, fighting to keep our guns free from Obama". Well not that I have anything against people who hunt but I always wonder what kind of gun would Jesus use? Since they list semi-automatics I'm not sure what animal they use that on but maybe they are right, maybe Jesus should have had one in the garden with him, think how the Romans would have run for cover when the bullets started zinging past their ears, of course Christians would not be saved then. No offense to Christians or Jesus intended, just to people who sell guns and say they live like Jesus would. Next will come the comments about "fags" and the "n" word. Maybe I expect too much from people considering they hear the same garbage from their politicians and minsters but then maybe that is an excuse, I form my own opinions and not even my parents can really influence that, so why can't they, why do so many people let others think for them. I don't know where I'm going with this, maybe I'm just feeling blah today so..the end.

Support

A month ago Dave and I went to a celebration of a person's life. That is the only way I could describe the event. I thought it was to be a memorial but I felt it was more of a celebration. Some of you may remember I wrote about a gay couple who are friends of Dave. They had adopted two boys with learning disabilities, threw all their resources behind helping the boys and created a family. Last year one of the men developed cancer and he seemed to be recovering but sadly it looks like the drugs were too strong for his weakened condition and he died suddenly. I had never met these men but Dave was invited for the evening and I was welcomed to come. The partner that was left behind wanted to give the boys time before he held this memorial as it would be too raw for them to follow on the heel of the funeral.

I was expecting a sombre evening, with whispers maybe even tears. I always wondered how the father left behind coped and thought of how unfair it seemed that two boys who were given a second chance at a family, had part of it ripped away. I wanted to come to show my support, I felt he would know that I being gay as well could understand his loss. I was greeted however with cheerful smiles, made to feel welcomed and told funny stories of their past life together, as I said it was a celebration of his life and I thought that was beautiful. There were many people there and one could quickly see that family and friends had circled around to try and fill the empty spot. It was good to see they still keep on living the way he would want them to go on. Keeping in mind I had never met him, his pictures revealed a very handsome 'James Dean' type looking man. It was also interesting to see the groups he was involved with and I soon got the impression of a mover and shaker in any community.

The thing that impressed me the most was how they turned their life over to the boys, they understood that the boys would develop at a much slower rate than most children so they constantly stimulate them in fun and interesting ways. They traveled everywhere with them, if the boys heard about a city or country that looked interesting to them, they took them on summer vacation. They had them in programs to help with their learning skills and had them involved with groups like other children. They also had them reading books and playing games that challenge them. It was also interesting to see that a lot of the people there who were doting over the boys were their teachers and tutors, they generally had a love for the boys like their own family members. Many told me that the boys were what gave them joy in their jobs, they said that they only wished the other children would put half of the effort into learning as these guys do, also they said if only other parents would be as involved in their children's learning. I said to Dave that as bad as this sounds, since the world judges people on looks first, I am so glad with all their problems, they are really cute little guys, they are not quite teens yet but you can tell they will be handsome and in this cruel world that will help them.

There was a mixed crowd of gays, lesbians and straight people and it felt good that all these people were coming together to show support. It was also interesting to meet the younger brother of the man who passed away, him and his gay partner, I have often noticed it seems common that a gay person has a gay brother or sister. I also met my competition, before I met Dave the guys were trying to fix Dave up with a friend of theirs (Shawn) but they just never were able to cross paths and then I came into Dave's picture before he could go out on a date with Shawn, well sorry there Shawn your loss, "meooow hissssssssssssss" back off! Kidding, Shawn was actually a really nice guy.

The evening went by quickly and we decided it was time to leave. Sad that I never had the chance to meet this man because looking back on his life, I like him and would loved to have been his friend. Time ran out on us as we knew about each other but never had the chance to meet, I guess it just shows how we should not keep putting things off in life. I could not help notice that I actually enjoyed myself and what a statement to be made about the life of someone who did so many good things to make a stranger feel good about the way they lived that life. Also he and his partner have given me a life lesson, I went there feeling they were heroes for adopting, however both men made it very clear to people that they felt, they were the ones blessed and not the boys. I think looking back on the evening, we would be lucky if we get to make that much of an impact in life. I remember reading something on Birdie's site ( sorry Birdie too lazy to find the link) about all we have to leave behind that is a part of who we were would be our love, and that is all we can hope for.

Into Feet

I'm into feet... that would be 'Six Feet Under' so don't worry I will not be writing a kinky post here, even though some of you probably wish I would! I had heard of Six Feet Under but I was not sure if it was a movie or TV show, different people told me that I would like it. Dave told me he was a fan and I knew my sister was also a fan. Over the last few years we have been giving her the complete seasons as gifts. Dave and I borrowed the box-sets from her and started watching it the last couple of weeks, I really like it. I'm not sure if any of you have heard about it but the show is basically a family that runs a funeral home, with interesting views on life, death and also very dark humour. Along with the raw sex scenes and swearing, there is also a beauty to the interaction between the characters, many lines from the show give me that catch moment like a well written poem.

I am nearing the end of season one and the last show I watched touched me, it was about David, one of the brothers who is trying to accept the fact that he is gay. He is confronted by angry anti-gay protesters at the funeral of a gay teen that was killed by bashers. He tells his friend that he feel like he belongs with the protesters and not with the gay people, that he wants to be the family man he sees in his church with a child on his knee. He prays to God that he is lonely and empty and begs for his help. It was like a scene from my recent past and I could not help feel sorry for the character.

I can't imagine what would have happened to me if I saw this years ago, would it have kick started something in me or would I sit there in denial. I felt good inside watching the show because now I don't feel that way anymore. To me it is so natural to be cuddled up on the couch with Dave, now I have the feeling of belonging, that this life makes sense, it is where I am suppose to be. I hope that all the 'Davids' out there can make it through, it certainly is a hard process to get your head around straight (no pun intended).

I don't watch a lot of TV but I like this show (so far) I can see why it never made it to main stream channels, most people would not 'get it' or would be offended by it. Still it amazes me how this was a hidden jewel while shows like Clue-less, Full House and Doc with Billy Ray Cyrus tortured us for years by just being on the tube.

Not Into Posting

I just don't feel like posting these last few days, nothing bad happened just that I am not up to it for some reason. I still have not said anything about my b'day and what a great day Dave made for me or a few other little things I could write about. I guess a little blog laziness. I would just like to say Dave managed to use his connections and got tickets for the lovely Celine Dion tomorrow, very and I mean 'very' close to the stage, should be a good show. Now all you hard rockers out there don't give me a rough time over this, lets just say this is part of me accepting my gay side (I love her powerful voice) and I'm sure there will be a lot of 'family' there. Dave did it for my birthday knowing how much I wanted to go, now see why I love this man so much.

Things are great between us so not posting has nothing to do with that either, posting feels like a chore at the moment. Regarding Dave and I, since most of you know the problems we were having, I would just like to say Dave is really working on that, lately we seem to be working on it a lot. I am a little sad that Dave is not the kind of guy who would suddenly out of the blue, come on to me and have us end up doing it on the floor, couch, graveyard* or table (he has a glass table so bad idea anyway) but he is letting himself enjoy our 'special' time together more often, plus he is much less likely to say no to me now. I think I have learned a few extra buttons to push as well. The main thing is I feel total love coming from the guy towards me and that is all we can ever really hope for, no relationship is perfect but I am happy when I am with him and lonely when we are apart. We have been talking about moving in together, actually talking about it a lot lately and I think I am going to do it. Dave makes me a better person and I find I often take the easy or wrong route when I am alone in the apartment. My only thing is moving in will be like giving up a part of myself and I am just starting to figure out who that person is, however on the other hand I have been alone all my life and I am tired of that feeling, been there done that. I had my own "awe" moment the other night while here at my place, I noticed that I often roll or wake up trying to move to where Dave's warm body should be in bed, so even in my sleep I miss him when he is not around, okay everyone all together "awwwwwwe".

*shout out to Java!

Hey Yankee Doodles, You Did It!

Wow! Congrats to my American readers, I hope this election gives you what you wanted, hoped for, needed. It also is a historic day for your country.

As a Canadian, I am not sure how Obama will relate to this country, whether good or bad for relations and trade, but the one thing I am happy about is Palin has no chance of becoming President and that thought scared the crap out of me.

Simple Moment

It happened the other night, it was a simple moment, nothing earth shattering and yet it was the world to me. I had spent the day at Dave's, doing little projects outside together before the winter sets in. The day was sunny and unusually warm, the air had an ironic spring smell to it as if life was about to start over and not go to sleep. I did not want the day to end but the sun was sinking lower in the sky. Everything was so silent and the beauty of the sun setting over the creek that quietly flows past Dave's house was breath taking. I said to Dave, "wow that is beautiful" and looking over at him, he sat on a stone wall, reached out to me and said come here. He pulled me into him, I turned around and sat on the wall between his legs. He wrapped his long arms lovingly around me, put his chin on my shoulder, our cheeks touching and we just sat there in silence together watching the sun go down. It had so much meaning for me that the moment was almost over whelming. One reason, I felt it was the summer sun's last good bye, the last perfect sunset for the season until next spring. Most of all however it was the reason that poems are written about, it is the fodder for love songs, two people in love watching the sun set. A first for me I realized of my entire life, and even though I have watched many beautiful sunsets, this time it was almost intoxicating to be sharing it with someone. A simple moment for most people everywhere, but something so touching and new for someone who has finally allowed himself to fall in love.

I get it now, the love songs that is, the love stories and poems. I thought I understood them before but I see now that you can not really grasp the meaning until you have actually been in that emotion. It is kind of like when someone has suffered a great loss, everyone tries to comfort them by saying they understand, when in reality they have no clue, they never had to experience the feeling. That was one of my fears when still in the closet, to grow old and die always having been alone, never knowing what 'being in love' with someone was like. I would have considered my life a waste if that had happened. I understand now when love songs speak of never wanting to be apart, of being complete together and of being broken hearted at the thought of losing one another. Whispering to Dave I even expressed this feeling to him, I said "so this is what love songs are about" he kissed me lightly on the neck just below my ear and whispered "I do love you so much". I leaned my head back onto his shoulder and just enjoyed the warmth of his body. The air quickly became very crisp with the fading light and as the sun finally sank from our sight, I softly said "thank you for sharing this with me".

No Time

I do not want to sound like a broken record but some times I find city life and city people so cold and self-centered at times unlike people from the country. There is just no time for anyone as people rush around to no where and I realized that it is also starting to rub off on me. This week one of my close friends lost her Dad, she was strong but still being the youngest and Daddy's girl, there were times where the thought of never seeing him again or talking to him again would overwhelm her. I let her cry on my shoulder so to speak the next night on the phone and asked what arrangements would be made. Later I spoke to our groups of friends to see who was going where and when. This is the part that reminds me that I am in the city now, everyone made statements like "oh I sent her an email" or "I will probably call her" or "I will be in meetings all day so I can't go in the evening". I thought 'wow' when did we get to the point of having so little time in our lives that we could not set aside a moment to go comfort a friend in time of sorrow. When did we become so self centered or uncaring. It is like people don't want to have to put themselves out in the slightest way for others.

In the country we would not dream of missing such an important moment in a friend's life. It is a sign of respect to the family and it would almost seem shameful for us not to go. I remember my sister and I talking about this one day when we first moved to the city. If we went to a funeral or were invited to a wedding in town, we expected it to be huge because there are more people in a city. However we were always surprised at how few people would show up to events like this. Where I came from the halls and churches would be packed if a loved friend was married or their family member passed away. When I went to the wake, there was only one other person from our group of friends. Some people asked me to send their respects however I decided not to, as it is up to them to make the effort. I thought also how silly will it sound to say "Mary is thinking of you in this time of sorrow and feels really bad about picking up a few groceries, that could have waited until tomorrow instead of coming here to support you".

No time, there just seems to be no time left for anything except work, school, TV or the computer. People have to plan out weeks ahead of time to visit each other, and that is even not too often once we get past 27 - 28. I sometimes hear people complain about having to go see their parents as if their time was too good to waste on Mom and Dad, making fun of them because they are old and set in their ways now. I remember at work a woman saying that her father bought a house down the street from her, my thought was, "oh that is good, he will not be lonely and she will have him close by" I was suddenly shocked when all the people around her groaned and said things like "that is awful", "oh no that's bad" or "I would move." Same with kids these days, I know they can be spoiled but there is no time for kids in our society now, maybe that is why they are brats. I always hear about changing schools to run all year, after school programs, before school programs, three year old kindergarten, huge government daycare programs, as both parents have to work these days to make ends meet. It is a fact of life I understand that, just I feel sorry for kids if we have to keep them in an institution because no one has time to look after them. You can pay someone to look after them but you can't pay someone to love them and kids are smart, they know when someone cares. There is just no room or time for them, I understand the cities are too fast paced and dangerous now to let them run around and play like we used to. Same with pets, people complain and say it is cruel if a factory farm locks an animal up in a cage and I agree, but these days how many people lock their dog or sometimes cat in a crate for the day because they don't have time to train them properly or the animal can't stand to be alone. There are people in my building who love their pets and take care of them well, but think for a minute, they lock the dog up at six, leave for work, come back that evening around five, take the dog out then maybe lock him back up at seven, go out for the evening and return near ten or eleven. There is love just no time to show it.

I am just making this observation, not trying to get up on a high horse. In fact the next day I fell into the "don't take my precious time" selfish trap as well. The funeral was in the morning and I was going out to Dave's place and then my parents. I thought I would go to the wake the evening before and that would be enough as the funeral would cut into my travel time. The next night however I was thinking, I am sure my friend had all sorts of plans for the week and she had to change everything, I felt guilty because all I had to do was show up and I failed in doing that, I failed to do something so simple as to give her a little comfort, by giving her a little time.

This Way.

The weather here has been beautiful these last few days. Dave and I have been trying to get some last minute hiking in to see the final farewell of colour before the grey days of November come. Once again I want to take you with us and see where the paths lead.
Many of the paths in a nearby park are walk ways so that everyone can get out and enjoy nature. This is a real nature park, not a city park.


This time the paths opened up new breath taking views that I was not aware of, even living so close.


Views like this one, I grew up in hilly country but I was not aware of this look out. I was amazed. A lot of my photos did not turn out because of the clouds playing tricks with the lighting.

Sun and clouds battle it out for control of the sky, you can see the shadows and sunlight chasing each other across the valley below.

Some guy sitting on the stone wall of the look out. Okay its me again, there everyone happy now? There was a reason why I made the last shots so far away. Looking over the valley I can see why my Irish ancestors settled here.

Some cute guy sitting with a sexy pose on a rock, yup its Dave. With my honey-bun however I don't even let him read this blog so it would not be fair to put a clear pic of him on here.

This tree was interesting it started out as a sapling growing in the crack of the rocks.

Totally surrounded by rock it sent out roots across the rock above and below until it hit earth, now it is anchored to the stone but the roots do not enter the ground for about five feet (1.5 meters) from the tree. Made me think of tree tentacles as if it would grab a person walking by.

Cool water, I love the smell that comes off of a clean lake. Since this is park land there are no cottages to spoil the view. It makes me think of jumping in however the day was not that warm. There is an interesting fact about this lake. When the sea receded after the last ice age this lake stayed salty for thousands of years, giving the salt water fish time to adapt to fresh water. Thus they say there is a type of fish that is a salt water fish everywhere else in the world, but here it exists as a fresh water fish.

A hidden cave in the forest floor, don't fall in! There is a fence around it and I think just as well, you would almost stumble into it before you saw it. It drops down suddenly and quite far. They say two brothers used to mine down there for minerals back in the day.

There were many other interesting things we saw that day, these were just a few. We were being called back as the day was ending and we had plans later. Another walk way only this one would guide us home.

A final view before we left, we could look out towards the city where I had to return, one last shot and I thought it was fitting as the conflict within us of loving nature but having to return to the city, was being played out on the valley floor below as the city is trying to spread out into the country.

Everyone have a good weekend and try to get out before the colours are all gone. In fact I see a lot of blog writers doing the same type of post, maybe that could become a meme theme, if you want to take part get out, snaps some photos and post them. Just my way of encouraging you to get out. :)

Walk With Me

Okay everyone take a hike! Time to get out for a stroll through the woods. The weekend was a bit wet but Sunday was only cloudy so Dave and I decides to go for a hike after being stuck in the house most of Saturday. It was warm enough and cool enough to be a perfect day for a walk.

When we came to this path it reminded me of Patrick's post about paths and I thought to myself "gee Steve you really need to get a life outside the blog world" ha ha! Seriously it can be surprising how the blog world can touch the real world for me now. This path was just begging us to follow, like opening a good book and wondering what is to come with the next page, it certainly did not disappoint.


Water falls, I love the sound and sight of water pouring over the rocks, makes me feel almost like a kid again. To throw in a stick and watch it flow down, there is also a feeling of freedom with a water fall, as if the river has suddenly escaped it's banks and is making a mad dash to get away.

Don't look down! The river is angry and is attacking the rocks, they fight back and the roars of their clashing drones in your ears, time will let the river win as the rocks wear down from fighting through the years.





The main water falls on the river, it is too bad the camera can't capture the power, sound and mist coming from it. You can feel it in your chest, one of natures perfect scenes.


Back on the path to see where it will take us, the next page to our little adventure.

A pic of some cute guy (depends on your taste) that was walking that day. ;)
Okay its just me.


More fast flowing water, we sat for a minute listening to the water flowing over the rocks, has a bit of a calming nature to it.

The sun was trying to come out on the trail. Every time I went to take a picture the wind would stop, I wanted it to blow because it made for an almost perfect shot with all the leaves falling but I gave up trying.








Some cute guy playing in the water like a big kid, the kind of guy I could really fall for and did. Yeah that's my babe.

Ouch "fall for" most of you will see the possible bad pun in there considering what happened at the end of this hike.

There was a deck that let you go out over the falls to have a closer look. The shots off the deck though did not turn out as the white water was almost too bright and I did not adjust my camera. I did not realize this until I got home and saw the results.

What is a hike without some fall colours. With the clouds above the lighting sucked so the leaves do not show up that well.








From a distance, where the falls and rough water ends to flow into a rocky river.







Everyone is an artist these days, everyone is an earth child. Someone left behind this little reminder of their visit here.










The rock formations here are very interesting, the rock below is heaving up and exposing itself in the layers it was formed out of many moons ago. Some places I could not get a shot but it looked like someone had built walls under the water, yet it was all natural.





A bridge to somewhere, almost like a sore thumb sticking out, I want to tell it "go away, you don't belong here, your going to spoil everything".




Leaves hanging over the water, I call this piece, "leaves hanging over water" ;) Hahaha!

The river calms down, regains it's composure and flows onward, what is around the river bend is a chapter of this book I will not read. It is getting late so we decide to head back, unlike the river we are not free of time and restraints, so we will just use the memory of it to help us feel free.

A Picture To Die For

I spent the weekend with Dave and Sunday we decided to go for a small hike. The weather was pretty good, warm with a little sun showing up every now and then, making it a perfect day for a walk through nature. Dave and I planned on taking pictures as the leaves are beginning to turn colours here. I am not that great with a camera like so many of you who read this post but I do enjoy taking them for myself. Everyone wants those "wow" shots and we were hiking around looking for great memories. I was going to blog about the day we had together, about finally being out with a boyfriend just enjoying each other's company, I was going to post pictures and hoped you would like them. I will post about this later however for now I am still extremely upset and stressed out from what happened to us, I am so on edge that I know there will be no sleep for me tonight, same as how we did not speak on the way home, how our day was ruined, how one slip nearly killed Dave and I.

We had come to the end of the trail and were heading back, we stopped for some last few pictures and as I was taking photos of rocks in the flowing water, Dave had climbed up a cliff to a rounded ledge. He told me to come up as there was something he wanted to show me. It was dangerous but there were good hand and foot holds, plus I grew up around rocky hills so this was not new to me. Once there he pointed to a small maple tree growing out of a crack in one of the rocks. It was odd in that there should not have been a tree growing out of such a small crack but the main reason to show me was it had an amazing bright red colour, it was beautiful and we thought a perfect shot. The angle was not good and I wanted to get a better view. Dave told me that if I climb higher and around the ledge I would get a better shot. We were quite high up now and the rocks sloped down and inward so the tree was out of reach but as long as I stayed back I would be fine, get too close to the tree and the slope would cause you to slide right over where you would fall into fast moving water but worse, jagged boulders. The rocks were dry and I sat down to take a picture, there was lots of room for one person on the ledge and I was in a safe place. I was about to take the picture when suddenly I felt something heavy slam into me from behind, I was startled but realized it was Dave, for a split second I thought he was playing a childish trick of pretending to shove me and grab me at the last moment. All of the following happened in fractions of seconds, I saw that Dave had foolishly climbed up behind me but the slope was too steep to hold him, he did not know that the bottom of his shoes had become wet and with the rock moss it was like trying to stand up on soap. As he struggled he kept slipping farther down and him being much heavier than me, was pushing me over the rounded edge to the point where I could not stop my fall. I was frantically laying down for friction and grabbing for every finger hold I could get only to be dislodged by him struggling. I felt myself going over, I remember thinking " I might die from this, is this how I'm going to die" it felt like every bad dream I ever had only it was true, I also remember thinking "this is going to really hurt". As we were sliding over I could hear myself shouting "Dave, Dave, Dave" almost like someone else was yelling it, I was also feeling sorry for him as the person I love was about to die or end up in a wheel chair. In the last flashes of time Dave reached out with his long arms and caught a tree growing in the rocks, me I had grabbed onto Dave's legs as a last effort to grab something and we suddenly stopped sliding.

I scrambled up Dave and onto the safe spot, he did not move and asked "you alright?" I said "what the FUCK where you thinking" he said something and I said "that was the dumbest thing you ever did, you could have hurt me or both of us" I wanted to say 'kill' instead of 'hurt' but I was afraid to say the word out loud, he kept saying "I'm sorry" but I was too scared to really be angry at him... yet! I looked down to see my favourite hat quickly flowing in circles from the swift currents of the water falls below the rocks, almost teasing me as if the river was saying "I've got your hat, dare you to come in and get it." Dave lost his camera into the water, I lifted my hand and stared at my camera still around my wrist, battered from my flailing around but still intact. My fear of dropping my camera makes me wear the strap around my wrist and this little quirk payed off. I had to stay there a minute as my legs were trembling too much for me to safely climb down. When I came down I really felt angry with Dave, almost a wave of anger. After a few minutes I calmed down because I could see that he was really eaten up inside about what he had almost done and I figured he will punish himself enough later. I said good bye to my hat as it was lost to the currents and wondered if someone would find it later while fishing or walking along the shore. We both were still a bit dazed by the whole thing, thinking the loss of the hat and camera was something to be concerned about. I also felt embarrassed and ashamed for allowing myself to be put into a situation like that, after all we are not kids anymore.

I felt sick inside, we just went home after that and it was pretty quiet on the ride home. I could not help think of my parents getting a call tonight or tomorrow by the police, telling them that their son was dead or badly hurt and in a hospital. They would probably hear about something happening involving two men hiking, on the local news, not knowing until later it was us. I also could not help think about Dave's father, still grieving over the recent loss of his wife. Dave lay down and I could see he was torn up by this, his eyes watered at the thought that he could have caused harm to me. I hugged him, told him the main thing is nothing happened, we are both alright, I can get another hat, he can get another camera and that is the main thing. He said "I can't help think what if that tree I grabbed was not growing in that spot." I said we can learn from this and move on, there is no point in saying "what if." I started to make him laugh then with a little dark humour, I don't want him punishing himself anymore, I said to him, "how many times do we here about some goof that gets out on a ledge and falls off, I used to think, if your that stupid then too bad!" He laughed and said we better rethink that train of thought.

I was suppose to stay over night again at Dave's place but I made an excuse to leave. I told him not to worry about it but I am really strung out by this, I know I will not sleep tonight. I can't describe the feeling when you think you might be about to die, at the moment I am haunted, over and over buy the ledge, the feeling of slipping-slipping, the rocks below and that tree... a tree that one little picture of, almost cost us greatly.

Fear

What are you afraid of? Reading about the recent bug attacks on Java and Birdie gave me a good smirk, but it also started me wondering about peoples fears. I was thinking about the things I am afraid of and why I feel that way. I was going to list some things but then I suddenly realized there are many levels to our fears and it would be hard to just say one or two as not all fears are the same. Fear of heights, fear of crowds, fear of snakes or fear of dying, we can't put them all on the same level.
..............Lightning & Spiders & Bears Oh My!........
I guess for me the fears left over from childhood would be these three. They are also not on the same level as some are a healthy fear and one is a bit silly. Spiders, yuck, yucky, yuck! Although I do not scream like a little girl when one jumps out from under something (@Java), they do give me the willys, I shudder without meaning to, my ears make a straining sound as if lifting something heavy when I see one. This I know is silly as one shoe smack will end all my torment. However it is not without reason, when I was younger I saw on TV, hold a spider as they can't hurt you and this way you get used to them. This I started to do and after a while I was doing okay with spiders, one day however I was outside and something was biting me under my shirt, it hurt like heck, I lifted up my shirt to see a shiny yellowish spider sticking his nasty fangs into my soft pink skin. I was shocked, they lied to me! They can hurt us! After that we have been on bad terms ever since. On another note, a friend of mine and also a boy I know of, went to a doctor with terrible pain in one ear, yes you guessed it, a spider had crawled in while they were sleeping and wanted to make a home in their ear canal, so yes it is true, it is not an urban myth it happens. My friend would never harm a spider, he always put them outside or left them alone, now however he kills any spider he see in his house, with two small children he fears one making a child deaf.

With bears, growing up in the country they were always around, they are about the only wild animal in my area of Canada that is dangerous to people, we have large wolves but it is true that 'wild' wolves will not bother people, in fact they nearly jump out of their skin to get away. Most bears are harmless, actually 98% are harmless, it is if you are unlucky enough to meet the one that wants to eat you where things go wrong. It is one of the reasons I won't sleep in a tent, won't go into deep forest alone or walk around outside in the dark. I have a respect for them and have met a few up close on occasion. The only real harm they have done to me is chase me in my dreams from the time I was a small boy until now. Always the same dream, the bear comes crashing through the woods and I run for the house, only to have my feet become heavier with each step until I can barely move up the steps to safety, then I wake up sweating, heart pounding.

Lightening, probably my one true phobia. When a storm is coming and I am outside, I am almost in a blind panic to get inside. If I am trapped out somewhere I break out in a sweat and head for cover. I feel our chances of being hit by lightening are greater than the stats they say. Lightening does not follow any guide lines and I saw some nasty results of it. It also affects how I act, I plan around things to make sure I am never stranded out somewhere if there is the possibility of a storm. To me lightening is like someone firing bullets down at the earth, if you happen to be standing in the wrong spot... well game over.

Those are concrete fears then there is a whole other level of fears, the fear of being alone, fear of growing old alone, of dying alone. The fear of failure, fear of speaking in public, of disappointing people I care about, fear of rejection. Fear of God, fear that there is no God, fear of the unknown, the fear of being a nobody. I can see why people say to start living your life without fear, it has a way of shaping the way we do live our lives and it is often not in a positive way. These are just some of the things that bother me but don't worry, they just pop into my mind, often on a sleepless night. I just want to be clear I am not hiding in a corner with my knees up to my chest quivering. I often feel I am the only one, I thought once I got older that most of these things would go away, My Dad never seemed to be afraid of stuff, if he was he never showed it. Sometimes I feel like a failure because of that, like I'm some big kid that never grew up. I am at a cross road in my life, I should be going back to school and I have the chance to do it. Fear kept me in the closet until now and I worked through that, now I need to work on the fear that is holding me back with the rest of my life because I still don't feel complete, I am still not where I am suppose to be.

Elections, Blah!

Since Canada is having an election as well as the US, I listen to the news and ads to figure out which way I will swing my vote. I don't know about you, whether in Canada or the States, but I feel at times that no one represents me. The Left and Right just seem to argue over the stupidest things lately and no one is addressing anything that really affects my life. It seems to have become a "got you" contest or offers of promises that I know they will never keep. I blame the media for trying to make this a soap opera, who said, did, went with whom. I blame the voters for letting them run with this. We started off better up here in Canada but then the news focused for a week on a cartoon about one party leader being pooped on by a bird. None of this crap (no pun intended) will get my vote. I want to see tax relief, I want to be able to get a decent family doctor, I want to know what will be done to help the economy, I want little bastards who prey on people punished, I want to know what will be done for our boys fighting over seas, I want the border watched better, I want someone to finally admit that when the price of gas jumps ten to twenty cents over night for the same gas in the same tank as the day before.... there is certainly price fixing! Why send someone to my door with pamphlets that can't answer questions about the person they are representing, don't bother me during dinner then, the pamphlet in the mail was enough, I don't need more! I just feel that for someone who is 'middle of the road' about issues and thinks we should deal with everything using a little common sense, there is no one out there for me. I guess this is frustration speaking but as for the people who come to my door, I feel that politics has become that person's career and they mostly are focused on getting themselves into the food trough.

Caught

Many days I like to go over to Dave's house and since it is not close to me, when there I spend the night. I like his place better as he is in a nice small town. It is a little bit of a gay 'Twilight Zone' there as everyone knows Dave is gay and I am his boyfriend, so far I am always treated well.

The other evening I was out running errands and had told Dave I would not be able to come over. After I finished getting what I needed, it suddenly hit me to keep driving and head over to Dave's and surprise him. I realize now I probably should have called, it is his place but it never occurred to me that maybe I should not always just pop over when ever I feel like. When I arrived his car was there but the lights were off and it was only eight. When I went in I realized he was upstairs and since the shower was not running I wondered to myself what could he be doing up stairs. I worried that he might be sick so I went up to see if he was okay. Yes, he was in bed and no he was not alone.... when I walked up there he was, lying in bed with Toby... his cat. Seems he was really sleepy and turned in early. Yes I am a little stinker, did I get you? Did you think I would find another man? This is all true by the way and the funny thing was he was not that surprised to see me, however he was really happy I came over. Just thought I would lighten up the mood from the gloom of the last few days.

On another note, this past weekend tickets went on sale for Celine Dion in this city. Dave and I both wanted to see her as she puts on a really good show. I think her voice is one of the best female voices out there, I am not the kind of fan that follows her every move but I do like to hear her from time to time, I will agree that sometimes the radio stations play her songs over and over a little too much but that is not her fault . There is a ticket outlet near me and I went there early to get good seats as the tickets sell out in an hour sometimes. I also went early since it is a small unknown outlet to make sure they were selling her tickets, if not I would have to try on line. The guy assured me and others that "yes" he was selling the tickets but not until the set time later that morning. I brought my morning coffee with me and waited there. When the time came and he went to sell the tickets he said, "oh yeah sorry dudes, my mistake, we are not selling them here". I was so p... I mean ticked off! I scrambled to another store but they were not selling them either, then I headed home to get on line. However when I got home all the good seats were already taken and for two hundred I could sit up with the pigeons and watch her. No thanks! I was boiling, that dumb ass, how could you not know whether you are selling them or not! If he had of said no I would have come back home and tried on line, I know I would not have bought seats near the stage but I probably would have gotten good seats. Grrrr, never come between a gay man and Celine! Well so I got the guy fired! Fired! Fired! Okay not really as I would never do that to a person but in my little world he was fired and Celine sent her car to pick me up personally and apologize for the guy's actions.

Another note to beautiful Celine, she does have a gay following and they say it is because of the music and the fabulous shows. It is fitting however that she has a gay following because many people outside of Canada do not know that she wrote and sang a beautiful song in french about falling in love with a gay man. Way way back in the beginning of the 90's when being gay was still taboo in most circles. The english stations would not play the song and did not want her to make an english version. As a young gay man, I loved the song because it touched a nerve, her in love with someone that could never love her back. That was me and ever guy I had a crush on growing up, so I felt her pain. In the video it was a bit homo-erotic and the gay characters were cute, not like the way gay people had been portrayed in TV and film up to that point. By today's standards the video is tame but remember this is well before Will and Grace, Queer as Folk etc. I just remember thinking "I hope this lady does well for herself, someone who understands us and shows gay men in a positive way." I think she did do well for herself! I love the last part of the song where she basically says converting from french to english "I love him its not my fault, just the same I know, he will love me...never".

The song is called Ziggy, that is the name of the guy she falls for. You can see the video here, there is an english version but the words and meaning were changed to make it acceptable for english stations, it is not as beautiful as the french version but it would give you an idea of what she is saying. Plus check out her hooker boots!

Bad Disney Movie

On this sad anniversary for my neighbors to the south, I have to say that the rest of the world is watching your elections. Like it or not, what happens in the States, affects the rest of the free world. This may sound offensive to my American readers and I certainly don't mean it as disrespectful because the US is one of the few countries I would want to live in other than Canada, however I feel that most Americans still don't "get it". Meaning that with all that is going on in this world and the threat that is out there directed right at you, I still keep seeing the same stories over and over of Americans debating about Palin's daughter, that Obama is black, who slept with whom and even the gay marriage issue I think may be being used as a distraction. I think if I was an old man and my campaign was running low on steam, I would add in a hockey mom from the sticks to speak to the average couch potato with the added controversy of her not supporting sex education and having a pregnant daughter. Just think however, if McCain kicks the bucket, Palin represents you on the world stage, hockey mom versus suicide extremists, nice. As your neighbour to the north, you could forgive me for being concerned. Today I saw a news clip of the actor Matt Damon and I think he expressed this well, I am not a fan of actors telling people how to vote but he does give a person something to think about, especially the part about Palin having the nuclear codes to the most destructive force on earth. See Matt here.

Umm Just Stuff

Some times I receive emails asking how are things in my relationship and did Dave and I work things out. Well no, not really nothing has changed in the no nookie department, I guess you could say things are worse if you want to judge it that way. For now it is the duck in the room, I don't consider it the elephant in the corner as people say, just a little odd tension that is there between us, not huge to me so maybe as odd as a duck in your living room. Now that I understand this is just the way Dave is, I am not as upset as when I thought there was a problem with me and that he no longer was interested in me. I know he loves me and shows me in his way and for now I am good with those expressions of love. I also love him deeply so there is no way at the moment I could just walk away from this.

On another note, this past weekend the movie Broke Back Mountain was on one of the french channels (french Canadians are way more cool and open than english Canadians) and I watched part of it, I stopped watching because it seemed to hit harder this time around. I stopped because I want to watch the full movie again on DVD. Some of you may remember I blogged about finally seeing it about seven months ago, however at that time I had not met Dave yet and I suspect it was harder this time because I could relate more to the characters now that I am in a relationship. I guess I could feel the angst and loneliness more at the thought of being separated from Dave. I asked Dave to watch it again with me sometime soon, also because he cries much more easily at movies and I want to tease the crap out of him. Also funny is when my Dad saw the previews, again he said he wants to see the movie, I guess I could just fast forward the tent scene for him but I think he would probably enjoy most of the movie.

I don't know about you, and I mean 'you' as in a fellow gay man, or woman, but I love to hear about 'family' doing well. Meaning a gay couple marry and have a happy life, a gay person start a business and it thrives or someone has a gay kid and the parents are behind their child 100%. Dave knows a gay couple that have been together for years, he is not close friends with them but does know them fairly well and has done business with them. A few years ago they decided to try and adopt to complete their family, they were given twin boys. The boys had been bounced around foster homes because they had learning difficulties and a lot of people only want perfect children with no flaws. They formed a family out of little people who needed love and big people who wanted to give love. The boys did very well, the men threw resources behind the boys as in one becoming a mostly stay home Dad plus getting tutors to help them catch up with school. I loved when Dave would tell me about this family, sometimes I would think of Dave and I as gay parents and wondered what that would be like. I never had the chance to meet them yet but Dave often speaks highly of them. Last spring one Dad was diagnosed with cancer and had to go in for an operation. He seemed to be recovering until Dave was told today that things turned for the worse and he passed away. I never met them but I feel so sad inside, it is just not fair. The boys finally were given a home with people who love them only to have their security shattered, the extra sting for them would be it was the stay at home Father so there was probably an extra bond with him. I can't also help feeling so sorry for the Dad left behind, he will really have his hands full now with trying to take care of the boys and the one person he could lean on the most in rough times, is gone. It is moments like these when I can be thankful for the things I had growing up, when I see how life can turn so cruel on others, like two little boys in need who this week, had their hearts broken.

Do You Believe?

Do you believe, no I am not talking about the latest X-Files movie. I am talking about what you believe in, as in a religion, personal faith or do you just have a life motto. I am just not sure what I believe in any more. As I get older and more cynical, or should I say more aware, I am finding that the most dishonest people are the ones involved in religions. Not so much the every day Joe that belongs to a specific religion, more with the leaders or just the entity of that particular religion. Some I truly believe don't start out that way or may not mean to be deceitful, but they often begin to be so blinded by their dogma, that no one is allowed to question anything without it being considered a threat. Others I find it is a personal philosophy and they will distort the truth and the words of what ever holy book they use to make the teachings fit into their way of thinking. I find when people become really religious, they begin to see things everywhere to validate their point. The trouble with that way of thinking is every religion sees the same signs and miracles that to them, prove their belief is the only correct one.

Seeing now how people will distort the truth, greatly embellish stories and selectively remember past experiences, makes me wonder the accuracy of any religious book thousands of years old. What is the truth now, I sometimes wonder if God has set the universe on auto pilot and 'we' being a very self centered creature, believe he spends all his time worrying over us. I wonder if he tries to direct us from time to time, by sending people from every part of the globe with a 'better way of life' message, and 'we' as usual get the message screwed up totally ignoring the content. Search for the truth, that is what we are told, however when we hold up the truth, sometimes we see lies in many belief systems, often covered up with more lies and forced ignorance on the followers. What truth then do we follow, a convenient truth that is made up to support a belief, however if it is made up, well isn't that a lie. I respect every one's religion, I think it is generally good for society, however I don't always respect what people choose to believe within that religion. I see things very differently now than I did when I was younger, don't worry I am not trying out any new age practices like reading crystals, pagan rituals or the new church of Oprah. Now some of the past stories I was told, are just that to me, stories with a moral to them, but never the less still just stories.

I am just curious about what you believe in, do you feel comfortable enough to say in the comment section or send me an email. Do you believe in God? What religion do you practice your faith with? I actually know a lot about different religions so feel comfortable to tell me without worrying about having to explain to me what it is about... well unless you are Tom Cruise or part of the 'Flying Spaghetti Monster' clan (yes it is actually a spoof religion). Do you believe in God but don't practice any part of religion, and do you not think this behaviour shows that maybe, really deep down inside you don't believe in God? If you don't believe in God, were you raised that way? Did something happen to make you stop believing in something. For people that are part of a faith, is it the same as your parents? Have you always been religious or did you come to it later in life. Do you think about God more as you age or less? I know there is a huge swing between people in the blog world, I am just wondering about the people who come to this blog. Finally, if you just are not sure about any of this, that is an honest answer as well.

Dark Skies Ahead

While out in the country visiting the folks, these ominous looking storm clouds came rolling in. It was dead silence as they quickly over took the blue sky, however we could hear the wind that was roaring towards us in the distance. These clouds made me think of my relationship with Dave, at first blue skies, then with sudden darkness over taking our relationship, and I know that a storm is heading our way but there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it. I know it is not fair to make a statement like that here and not go into details, I guess I just need to vent that my heart is breaking for what I think is coming and I don't really have anywhere else but here to say it. Things have actually been going pretty good for the last week, Dave is again almost back to his normal self. However a problem keeps coming up over and over that he does not want to deal with and some days I look at him and only see a really good friend... not my boyfriend, in those seconds I have to catch my breath and turn away from him, so that he does not see it on my face. He is causing me to lose that special connection I felt for him, one day I am afraid that I will wake up and it will be gone. Dark skies looming ahead and the storm is inside.

Braking For Time

Time, I would like to slam on the brakes of time, why does it seem to spin faster and faster. Driving to my parents in the final days of June I had one of those memory moments. Passing through local towns with that spring smell, the smell that signals the last days of school and you can't help being carried back to those times. Starting to realize you are becoming an adult, the places where you hang out, going swimming with friends, parties, final school dances, getting through exams. You are at the beginning of your adult life and sadly most are too young to understand the full excitement of it. Where did all those people go, most moved away, some married, had children and sadly some left us all too early. In my mind all these people are still teenagers, frozen in their school age image, until I bump into one of them and see the results of time on their faces. I snap back to the present and I am a man dreaming of those past days, on his way to see his parents, two people who are elderly now, how did that happen. I miss those days but time spins on, hmmm end of June, it is the middle of July already, please time slow down.

I was invited to a back yard party with Dave last week, no wait it was the week before, how did it go by so fast, please time slow down. There were mostly people our age, a few older and younger as well. They had great food, dancing and everyone had a nice time. However as the clock began to tick towards nine, everyone began to say good bye. People packed up their belongings and loaded their cars. It was not even dark yet and there were to be fireworks later plus more food, at one time we would have stayed until at least midnight. However now there are too many commitments, some had to get up and work the next day, some had left the kids at home with a baby sitter and some said they need to be in bed by ten or the next day would be shot. There were some people who planned on staying but then felt odd about it and so decided to leave as well. Dave was getting sleepy as he is an early riser and so we also left. I couldn't help comment on the way home, when did this happen, when did we get old. Please time slow down, everything is changing so fast now, that you are making me dizzy. I can't help think how hard it must have been for my Grand Parents, time changed but also the world changed from when they were little, no electricity or running water to DVD players and computers. No wonder my last Grandparent, my Grandmother said that she was not bothered if her time came soon, she did not want to live much longer because everyone she knew had passed away and she felt alone, saying when she died, then she could rejoin them in Heaven. Granny was over a hundred and passed away a few months after this statement, alert and active until the very day.

I feel sorry for the cool hippies from the sixties who talk about colouring their gray hair, about taking viagra and wearing depends. I feel sorry for me and my friends, we see that is coming for us one day. How long has it been since Madonna released her first album, ten years, no wait it is.... crap that long! When did the Breakfast Club become one of those movies people scoff at. How long has it been since Ghost Busters! My friend's little boy that I used to babysit from time to time, has his birthday coming up, wow how old will he be now... maybe 13... no wait yikes 14... what's that... turning twenty! I need to lie down, what happened to the Ninja Turtles, Lego and his Wrestling men! Oh I see they were replaced with a Mustang and a cute girl that giggles way too much.

Please time slow down you are spinning way too fast and you have me confused as to whether I have come a long way, or I have wasted so much of you... that I am still in the same place as that boy who walked out of High school for the last time, so many years ago.

Slightly Dented

Since Dave is on holidays at the moment we have more opportunity to be together. However I did not feel welcomed to go over and visit, so I stayed away until Tuesday. It was awkward being around him again, he seemed more his normal self than the cold way he had been acting these past few days. I kept waiting for him to apologize for his behaviour, he never did. Later that evening I figure we needed to have the 'talk', I told him everything, the way I felt, how his behaviour startled me, how he seemed like a totally different person, how I wondered what he will do in a major crisis. He seemed almost surprised, he had been so wrapped up (still) in his problem, (and it is a minor problem) that he had not noticed anything wrong between us. He said he thought later it was probably wrong of him to act that way, he said that he is not trying to make excuses but the red tape (red tape he caused by not following rules) he was put through made him snap. We talked in circles about it until he said he was done talking about it, I pointed out that he never once apologized, he fell silent and was a bit red in the face. It would have been better if he was angry with me for no reason, what hurt the most was that he was indifferent to me, he could have cared less for days if I was around or not, please no one try to sugar coat this, he even admitted this in our conversation.

I can't help also feel that I would not be able to rely on him in a time of crisis, he shows no diplomacy, from what he has told me, he is the type of person that goes into a store and starts to yell and swear at the manager. That to me is the dumbest thing a person can do, no one is going to help you if you are acting like an idiot, what is the point of trying to scream that you are right if you never get the results you want. Dave did say that he is never violent towards another person physically, he said it is not in his nature and has never hit someone in his life, he felt awful when I said I was uncomfortable during the tantrum. He promised to try and be more careful in how he relates to me when he is upset about something. He asked if that was why I had not come over the last few days, he was embarrassed when I said I did not feel welcomed anymore.

To be fair to people who read this blog, there has been another problem that keeps coming up between us as well, I thought we could work through it but he just shuts down when ever I try to talk to him about it. That is the reason I was so panicked over this issue, past behaviour shows he is not willing to deal with any major problem so I want people to understand this is not the first problem to come up and I suddenly fell to pieces and could not deal with it. For now we have placed our cards on the table, it is pretty much back to the way it was before. He asked me the next day "are we good" I told him we are okay but that the relationship was slightly damaged over this I felt. I then told him about the email, he just laughed, I asked him since we already discussed the issue to delete it, I said however if he does read it and is hurt by it... then tough!

"Beginning of the end", when I wrote that post I did not mean it was the beginning of the end of our relationship, I am not that dramatic to suddenly call it quits, sorry to have startled people. What I meant was if there should be an ending, I foresee how it could happen... I see the path that may lead us there and no matter what I do to stay off of it, 'he' may force me onto that path. If every time there is a problem, he shuts me out and there is no working through it, there is no way a relationship can keep going on like that before it falls apart, if a relationship becomes constant 'work' there is a problem, to me my partner should be someone I go to in time of crisis... not become the cause of it.

Circle of Friends.

Today, emailing back and forth to one of my blog buddies, made me call up a feeling or belief I have and I wonder if others ever feel the same way. Do you ever feel that certain people were meant to be in your life, that no matter what, God, life or what ever you believe in, will keep circling people back through your life until they become part of your life. Have you ever been in awe as to how you met some of your friends, boyfriend, girlfriend? Do you have a strange story as to how a person became a close friend or maybe you moved to a strange city only to bump into your favourite cousin and learn they just moved down the street from you?

Past examples for myself would be, in my younger days I was extremely shy, so meeting people I found to be very hard. Often I would feel that a certain person at work or in another social setting should be a close friend of mine, almost as if we had met before but I found it too hard to go up and get to know them. Usually it would happen that we would meet later on another job or we would find out that we had mutual friends while bumping into each other at a party or wedding. People that I wanted to try being friends with would be cycled back through my life until we had the opportunity to really get to know one another. Other times I would lose contact with past friends that I was close to, just from the day to day stuff that happens as we get older. Work, school, family will take away people and we lose contact before we realize it, however suddenly I will be walking through a park close to where I live, only to bump into past close friends who have moved back to the city and often just down the street from me. I have learned now as I get older to hang onto good friendships, no matter where they move to, good friendships are worth more than gold as we move through life, and whether we like it or not, one day we may find we need them. Sometimes I would like to believe that it is no accident in how we met the really important people in our life. Cycling, circling over and over, perhaps it is more common for me in a small city but I have heard very interesting things from people in large cities, even over seas as well. A cousin of mine had a new family recently move in across the street, when he went to welcome them, it was one of my close friends from past school days, thus giving us an opportunity to reconnect.

Finally even for Dave and myself, our meeting was clear chance. I was trying out a new site to meet guys, it was not going well and after only two days I pulled the ad because of the creepy responses I received. Dave also had tried the same site long ago and having no luck either, he gave up. One day being bored, he thought he would take a look, saw an ad for this poor little lost gay newbie and thought "this poor guy needs a friend or the gay world will eat him" so he responded and offered me his friendship just before I pulled the ad. I was nothing that he would have looked for in a boyfriend, we did not seem to have anything in common. I never would have responded to his ad either, I am chicken of sport-bikes (motorcycles) and I do not know much about home construction/renovations plus some of his other interests. I would also have been intimidated by him being already out to most people and would think a relationship could not work since I was only coming out. I did need a gay friend however and here I am now, that friendship only lasted until we first actually met in person, it was instant between us, we were too scared to admit it but a few days later I made my move and the rest is history as they say. The also remarkable thing to this is that the night we met in person was just a sudden spur of the moment, Dave was to have a meeting and since it was canceled he wanted to go out, I was close by and available so I went to meet him but only for friendship. That following weekend was when we sealed the dating deal, however he was actually suppose to go out on a first date with another guy the next week, so things could have turned out very different! Again however, sometimes I feel that people move through our life until they are exactly where they were meant to be.