Wednesday, November 28, 2007

In Gay-land News

I am trying to do more regarding being gay than just the blog world and telling straight friends. Blog land has been great, I met a lot of people who have really helped me feel comfortable about myself, this gave me that push to start to come out to my friends. I know it is not enough, it is like living in a gay storybook sometimes, I read about gay life, become interested in the characters but in the end I am still alone. I have met some really great people through my blog, for those of you that have wanted to chat, my apologies for not accepting your offer, please don't take it personally but for some reason I hate chatting. I find it cumbersome, I feel I can't get my thoughts out properly or fast enough, I feel a slight disconnect and I am uncomfortable without my spell-check. Really I'm also too lazy to enjoy all that typing. The only thing I use is Google talk, so easy, down load it in a split second put on your headset and your ready! If you have Gmail and a headset you are good to go. Also I feel if I spend a lot of time on the computer with cyber friends, that discourages me from meeting real world friends.

I need to have gay people around me, just to have that brotherhood feeling, someone who would understand if I said during a movie "Matt Damon is cute" and they would node their head or disagree but both ideas would come from the same place as my statement came from. Last week I put my profile on a local site that serves the GLBT community (does that not sound like a hamburger, better hold the mayo). I made it clear I was looking for friends and not a hook-up. After a day I received a response from someone who was interested, we had a lot in common, he just wanted to meet as a friend as well. I was so excited, my hands were shaking I was thinking, finally I was going to meet another gay man, maybe have a gay friend. I emailed back and said I was interested in meeting and getting to know him. That was last weekend, he never replied back. I don't understand what gay men want, why contact me in the first place. Why do gay men walk around like lost souls, saying they are lonely, that the culture is shallow but when someone extends their hand in friendship, you get a cold shoulder. This is my second attempt, the first one no one responded but to be honest I later realized it was a place for mostly hook-ups. I am starting to get the feeling that in each city the only thoughtful good gay guys are the ones that start up a blog and that is why blog-land has so many sweet guys. I will give this more time, there must be a gay guy in this city that would like to have a loyal friend.

On the thought that karma will keep coming around on a person, I find myself in a funny situation. I actually don't believe in karma, I just use it as a saying. I do believe God puts people in situations for a reason, no matter how big or small. I will be going on a date to a Christmas party this Friday, it is however with a girl, she did not want to go alone so I am rescuing her. The strange thing is that at this party there will be close friends who I wanted to tell next, they will all be in the same room I can do it all in one shot! The even stranger thing is that there will be a gay couple attending also. It is the couple that I have mentioned before that I knew of, who make me feel very uncomfortable. Of all the gay men in this city to be stuck in a room with, it would have to be them. I guess this will be my test, all the high ideals I have been spouting here, lets see if I am as comfortable as I pretend to be on this blog. I have to be open minded about this, it has been almost ten years since my last exposure to them and I am sure they must have grown since then. I found them a bit over the top and dramatic before but I was also a major closet case. In fairness to them, they are a couple that have been together for almost sixteen years, and I am told this is like eighty three in straight years (actually I hate it when people say that). I also know of twice where they really came through for their friends with helping them get jobs while down on their luck. I hope I see them in a new light, maybe we will become good friends, this is crazy who knows and I give up on fighting this, I will take it that if life has placed me in this situation I will run with it, I mean like maybe get lush-ed up enough to come out to everyone at this party, the thought at the moment does not scare me, it makes me laugh. Probably that night I will be scared sh**less, I may have to wear diapers, depends.

Monday, November 26, 2007

My Collection

My mother once remarked to me regarding some of my friends, that I had the strangest collection of eccentric and odd ball friends that she ever saw. Actually she is correct, I often say that I could never have a party with all my friends in one room. The thing is not only would they not get along, some may end up heatedly arguing each other. I was taken aback a little by Mom's statement, she asked me "why is that?" I never really thought of it before, however it was easy for me to come up with the answer. Some people just don't fit in with society, they drum to their own beat and in the rush of life most people will not take the time to get to know them. I tend to live by the motto, life is rough enough, so the more people you have on your side the better.

I like people who have a bit of character to them, hidden levels to their personality if you will. I like to be surprised by people, like the brick layer who reads sci-fi novels on his break, or a strict by the book boss who on weekends makes stained glass windows, and the tough construction worker buddy who visits art galleries and museums on his time off. I just find these people more interesting because they are not predictable. Honestly I have also learned you can trust a person who is willing to stand out from the crowd and say they don't have the same taste as everyone else, as opposed to a person who tries to conform to any and everything. I also found that they "get life" meaning it is not always about the faster car or bigger house.

It is also obvious as to why I learned not to judge someone for sticking out a little from the rest. I knew that it would be hypocritical for me not to empathize with people who did not fit in to society. Often they saw the same thing for gay people as well, before I started to come out, it was often my off-beat friends that supported gay marriage and understood we are like everyone else, just with a different sexuality.

What has me thinking this way is something I saw on TV last night. I don't watch a lot of TV but this year I have been following "The Amazing Race" for the first time ever. One of the couples really stands out as the odd ball couple. They are Goths, they look like people dressed up as black and pink vampires. Most people watching the show ridicule this team, based only on their looks I would assume because they are actually good competitors. The last two episodes had the teams in Africa, and the surrounding area was consumed by absolute poverty. As the teams came to the end of their challenges, most complained how hard they found them, about the other teams, one woman even had a fit that the first place team did not let them come in first this week, I am not sure what part of competition she does not understand. The thing that struck me was the Goth couple was very aware of the people around them. The woman sobbed because she became over whelmed by the conditions in which people had to live but mostly by the fact that even in this poverty everyone was still friendly, open and seemed happy. Interesting how the more "normal" couples were oblivious to the suffering going on around them while the "freaks" were the ones who expressed compassion and empathy. It makes me understand now why a young person would color their hair pink, dress like a vampire and say, I am not part of this society.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Six Degrees To Steven's Bacon Exposed

I live in a small city, I came from the country near an even smaller township. The problem with that is I have a huge family, our neighbors all had large families and when children and grandchildren get older, they move to this city for work. That makes me think of the game "six degrees to Kevin Bacon", you know the game where you try to figure how close actors are to knowing Kevin Bacon by who he has worked with. Only with me I think the game should be called two or three degrees to Steven because that is how close everyone seems to be to knowing my family. I have around forty first cousins, (Irish Catholics) yes I said forty! So you can imagine if you add in there, second and third cousins plus all the husbands and wives. I can even be in a strange city, partly lost and one of them will appear in front of me. Trust me it is a full time job to keep from being discovered.

This has come up again with a vengeance, it has to do with meeting my friend last week. Of course I did not tell him, the last time we saw each other was in our teens and at that time he was very homophobic, to be fair to him so was I, or at least pretended to be. He made it clear to me that he would like to resume our friendship. When I mentioned some of our other childhood friends he told me that he recently bumped into some of them as well. One guy he meets with every week and the other monthly. They have coffee, go to lunches and sometimes hang out. There is the comfort of familiarity and I could see quickly becoming friends again. However that will put me back into the position of having close friends who do not know that I am gay. Feeling tire of hiding and pretending was the reason I came out to my close friends. That has been dealt with and I no longer have to worry about slip ups with the exception of Elly. I am not looking forward to being put back into that situation.

There is the uneasiness that my friend has some ties to my home town but the real trouble is one of the other guys has almost the same large family ties back home. Even if they accept me there is always that chance for a slip-up and I'm not ready to deal with my parents, if ever. Any one from a small town knows how uneventful life is there, so every bit of news is spread quickly and in the haste to pass it around, it gets pulled and stretched a little. The last big event there that just happened is Fern's cow was found dead by the feeder (I'm not joking), she was fifteen however so a good life for a cow, now imagine if the hot wire got a hold of the news that Fern's, neighbor's son is gay! Talk about a gossip feeding frenzy, I would be OK but I would not want a wave of ignorance to come my parent's way. I will have to wait and see just how open minded they have become before saying a word. Maybe he even suspects, he asked if I was married and when I said no I am still single, he suddenly looked at me like if he just realized something. I quickly changed the topic and he jumped into the new subject right away, maybe to save me from the awkwardness. Usually with other people, I find this the beginning of a flood of questions and they will not let it go. When we were leaving he made the comment that he can't stand any kind of bigotry and won't put up with it. I kept wondering if he was trying to make me feel comfortable and let me know it was OK to tell him or was he just trying to come off as a cool guy.

The more I come out, the more complicated it seems to become. I almost feel there is a no win situation here, become friends only to be rejected, to be outed or do I decide not to take up his offer to start the friendship over. It kind of also is not fair to him, as he is smart enough to figure out that he would be getting the cold shoulder after extending his hand in friendship. He would realize it and not understand why.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Wounds Of Youth, Run Deepest

A few weeks ago I happened to stumble upon the email address of an old school friend of mine. We met in grade two when he moved to our area and came to my school, there he quickly became the leader of our pack, a good friend and remained so until he left the rest of us behind in grade ten. I missed him greatly although at that time in a teen boys life, you would never admit such a thing. For kids in the country, through the years children grew up together so school friends were almost like family, if one moved away it was a loss to the others. I contacted him and he was happy to hear from me, he moved close to where I live and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch, I was excited to meet him again. After he had left when we were young, we had spoken sporadically on the phone and actually met up a few times but we lost contact and the years quickly added up, slipped by and now it would be almost twenty years. I was wondering what he would be like, after all this time he would be a stranger. It suddenly dawned on me that he like myself, is a man I would be meeting him as an adult for the first time in my life.

At the restaurant I felt nervous, I needed a bud with me, a Budweiser that is, to help calm the awkward feeling I had. Remember this is out of character for me to contact someone out of the blue, however this last year has me doing a lot of things that make me uncomfortable and part of me enjoys it. He showed up, I was able to recognize him immediately there was still a phantom of the boy that I once knew. As he approached I saw how time betrayed his handsome good looks, deep lines told of his love for the outdoors and gray was starting to invade his blond hair, still he could hold his own. We shook hands and in seconds I could tell that the good hearted guy that I knew was still in there. Conversation was easy and soon flowed like time had never come between us. We did the usual, past jobs, are you married, any kids etc. He is married but does not want children and did not press me when I said I was still single. Lunch flew by and he said he had to leave, we went out to the parking lot and as we began to say good bye and move to our cars, things suddenly opened up.

He brought up the names of older boys that were bullies who tormented me, the kind that made me not want to go to school, hate myself, feel humiliated. What shocked me was the stories he told me of how they also tormented him as well, that there were also days he did not want to go to school. I never saw it from that perspective, I always thought he was cool and things like that did not bother him. Thinking on it, maybe even worse for him. With me I just took the beating to get it over with, as for him, even though he was younger than them, he showed resistance which would anger a bully more, the sad thing was they out numbered us, most of our class was girls. I thought how odd, here we are grown men, wounded still by things that happened when we were kids and young teens. We needed closure even after all this time, we spoke of the humiliation they forced on us, the violent things they did to us and the years we both spent thinking of equally violent revenge on them.

He then told me something that made me feel good inside and wiped away most of the bad memories. One day years ago, he heard a man shout to him, as he turned he could see a guy running up to him. He could see that it was Nick, one of the main tormentors for both him and I. Not sure as what to expect he was ready for anything. As he approached my friend, Nick gave a friendly greeting as if happy to see my friend. He went on to say that he was really glad to see my friend because he wanted to apologize for the way he treated him, he said he felt really bad about the way he was so mean during school and often thought and regretted it for years. He told my friend he did not deserve to be tormented like that and Nick was not sure why he acted that way but was embarrassed by it now. My friend told me that as Nick was saying this, it was like a plug was pulled out and all the hatred and resentment towards Nick flowed out, closure.

I left thinking this over, I love hearing personal growth stories, especially about people who you think will never grow. It also left me with the thought that while growing up, making our way through our teen years, we were hurting so much, feeling so alone, awkward and acting so tough, that we never noticed the hurt in each other.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Note To Self

Note to self, I'm angry with you! Sometimes when reading articles or other blogs I run across the term self forgiveness, or even self apology. When thinking on these terms, especially regarding being gay and coming out, I feel I owe myself a huge apology, the strange thing is at the moment I can't accept the apology. I have a lot of anger inside regarding how I have acted in the last ten years. I can forgive the younger years, times were harder for gay people then, I was a scared confused gay kid, however I managed to start a relationship during those times so why shut down later. Part of me wants to ask myself, why the anger and that is when the gates open.

I want to yell at myself, I want to ask, when did I feel it was alright to step out of life. When did I get complacent about finding a relationship. Why did I choose to hide. I want to tell myself I should be ashamed for taking the easy road, avoiding conflict at all cost but the cost turned out to be high. Ashamed also for taking the easy road out of shear laziness of not wanting to put the effort into being gay and some of the conflicts that would come with it. Why did I worry what everyone else wanted, instead of what I needed for myself to have a fulfilled life. Why did I lie about my life to please others, to pretend to be part of their world. That is the truth of it, their world, not mine. I was to co-exist with them but in my own social world.

I used to tell myself that I would date a guy if he asked me out, but if I never put myself out there, if I never made the effort, how was anyone suppose to find me. It was not up to someone else to come and rescue me, it was up to me to go out and look for him. I need to say sorry for letting myself go, part of my excuse to not attract men, for never going out and only moving through the straight world, even still! For giving up even before trying.

How could I have been so stupid to let my youth pass me by, to miss the opportunities and experiences that life has to offer only a young person. To place myself in a position where most of the good men that want to settle down are already taken, leaving me to choose from men that have become jaded over time from being exposed to the gay culture too much. Men also that want a relationship but don't want to work towards one, it is now all their way or no way. Why did I not come out to the people who I knew would accept me. Why did I not come out to people who revealed their secret to me. I don't like that answer but I know what the truth is. There is a dark side to my personality, that is I like having power over people. Telling people I'm gay gives my power away and maybe even gives them a weapon. Knowing someone else's secret, makes me feel trusted but also gives power to me. In being too tight with the control over my life, I let it slip away. Note to self, of all the people who should have been looking out for me, you betrayed me the most!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Out on a ledge

If you were to ask my friends to describe me, they would tell you I am a very low key person. Actually quite shy with new people, which makes it hard for me to meet with people for the first time. Even some of you that I email back and forth with, if faced with actually meeting you, I would be in a little bit of panic mode. The spotlight is a place that holds no appeal, there lies the problem with coming out. I often wonder how far out will be out enough. How do I handle life as a gay person, who do I tell and who do I not tell. Part of me only wants my close friends to know, being a very private person, I feel only they have earned my trust and in doing so they have a right to know the true me. My close friends are the ones that may try to fix me up so to avoid any embarrassing situations I want them to know.

On the other side of the coin, I have grown tired of the game, the one where people ask me twenty questions and I try to make up as many answers without lying by using half truths or withholding personal information that would raise more questions. Why are you not married? Do you have a girl friend? Any kids? Why not? When was the last time you were on a date? What was the name of your Last girl friend? What type of woman is your type? Don't you want a family? Do you want to be old and alone? Do you know the older you get the harder it is to find someone? Want to meet my cousin? My friend cries all the time but is really nice, want to meet her? My cousin has a huge weight problem and a bad temper, at your age you can't be too picky Steven, want to meet her? Do you like being alone? Some days I just want to wear a shirt that says in big bright letters "I suck c***, now f*** off!" Well actually I don't but here is to hoping! So bad, sorry!

I am not sure how to go about it, should I say nothing but when someone asks about a wife and kids do I just drop it that I'm gay. What about work, part of me would not want my work place to know my personal business but then part of me thinks once I am in a new place, wait until I am firmly established and then let people know. For now while single I don't think it is a big deal but once in a relationship with a boyfriend, I would have the feeling of not being true to him if I were to hide our relationship. I always say also, don't want to end up being in a bad seventies sitcom where I am running around trying to hide things that make us look gay if someone calls and says they are coming over. I think of taking the stance of keeping it to myself, however if someone starts to push for information then they better be prepared for my answer. Sometimes maybe I over think situations, I am reminded of a woman who use to visit my past work place from a different site. She was lesbian, in a relationship and not a bit reserved in talking about it. She did not hold it out there like a red flag, just casually mentioned her girlfriend from time to time in conversations, exactly like a straight person would mention their wife. The people who were most bigoted towards gays and lesbians never said one word to her. Like most cowards they would back down from someone who would confront them. Preferring to wait until she was out of the room to begin slinging the arrows. It was easier for them when in a group and out of her ear shot. Sometimes I feel weak for not saying anything and other times I feel I did the right thing and need to pick my battles.

To the gay men or women out there living in a relationship or people who are out, I wonder to what level do you take being out. Is it good enough to just let friends know. Do you sort of just let new friends and neighbors figure it out for themselves. What is the balance between being true to yourself and being cautious. Like I always say, it is important for me to live as Steven and as a side note, I just happen to be gay. Maybe I can't do that, maybe I can't separate the two, Steven and gay Steven. Sometimes I wonder if saying I want my being gay as only a side note to who I am, is really another way of me still saying I can't accept being gay. Maybe trying to not draw attention to my homosexuality is just another way of hiding it. So confusing coming out is sometimes or actually most times, I want to be out but I don't want to find that I have put myself out on a ledge.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Not This Again!

I'm sitting on my couch, you are the only one in the room that does not know, I love our friendship, you are like my little sister. I want to tell you, I want to say "Elly I'm gay" in fact I planed to tell you tonight but as I start the sentences that will lead me there, my heart begins to race out of control, I think it will break my ribs, I think I'm going to vomit. Why this again?

My closest friends and I decided to go out tonight, drink a little, have a really good meal and after since the restaurant is so close to me, come back to my place after, chat and have desert. The restaurant was loud, really loud so I was looking forward to having them come back here. I wanted to tell Elly tonight, she is one of the very few close friends that does not know yet. I was resolved to do it when she asked me "so Steve find the right woman yet?" Everyone looked at their plates and snickered, including me. This made her suspect something was up but could not guess what we were hiding. Since I almost never drink I was feeling brave from my beer. I thought however I would wait until we got back here, this way I would not have to yell out that I'm gay for the whole restaurant to hear.

While sitting together I began to tell her many times, I was not listening to the people around me and was only half in the conversations. My friends knew I wanted to tell her, they would give me openings and were supportive towards me but I just could not do it. Finally she said that she had to leave, I was frustrated with myself, I was thinking of blurting it out at the door but then I thought it would not give me time to explain myself to her and also the importance of keeping it quiet for now. That is my only fear with telling her, she is bad at keeping secrets and there are people that we both know who I dislike, I would not want them to have that personal bit of information. She said her goodbyes and left, I didn't tell her. I felt like crap after. I had thought I was getting braver with this, I don't know if it is because I have not told anyone for a while that I am gay or if it is the potential loss of control over who knows. I feel like I took a step back tonight, back into the closet, there was that awful feeling of trying to come out to someone, it was bad right in the pit of my stomach like when I first started to try and tell people. I wonder, will it always be like this.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Straights and Gays and Bisexuals Oh My!

The other night I was talking to my blog buddy (who's more than just a buddy to me) about the usual things regarding being gay. We are in the same boat and at the same point of just coming out so I like to share thoughts, confusions, turn ons, turn offs, etc. I was telling him about a piece I read where the article was saying with the younger people sexuality was becoming more fluid, (no pun was intended there I would guess), more fluid in that years ago you were either straight, gay or maybe bisexual. In fact it said both sides gay and straight each thought bisexual people were hiding their true sexuality. The article went on to say that with today's younger people the lines are blurred. Looks like the Kinsey scale may be more true than once thought. As people become more comfortable with sexuality they are more inclined to have sex with the person not the gender.

I brought this up to him because I wanted to confess something strange to him. Even though I know I am completely gay and not even the slightest bit bisexual, I still am curious as to what it would be like to have sex with a woman. I said that if I was really comfortable with a female friend and she was open minded sexually if the moment came up, I would. It then makes me wonder, since I am a gay man in a straight world, I have the freedom to express those thoughts. Society would see absolutely nothing wrong with me having sex with a woman, in fact maybe even encourage it. However the thing I wonder about is, if straight guys were given the same freedom about curiosity would they like to try just at least once with another guy. I know if asked a straight guy would snap right away and say no! I wonder in the privacy of their own thoughts if they think about it or has that just been burned out of their mind. For myself it is completely different as I was never taught that sex with women was wrong so to me it is not a taboo, it is just something I do not desire.

I forget most times that some of the men who read this blog are bisexual and some of the blogs I read are written by bisexual men, I think the ones that are exploring the homosexual side are really brave. I have written to some and told them I think they are being brave because honestly in my younger days, if I had one once of bisexuality I would have married the first woman I could get along with and hidden the homosexual side forever. Some told me that to deny that part was to deny themselves or who they are, true and I admire them for that decision. I am fascinated by bisexuality, in some ways I feel they are the lucky ones and I'm almost envious of them. Back to the fluidity of relationships, I was even reading where some gays and lesbians who are close friends have entered into relationships with each other. They were saying that since the lines are not as solid between the sexualities as before, if a gay man suddenly finds himself attracted to a woman, then why can he not start a relationship with her without worrying about what his label is.

I hear this as well with straight women, some have told me that they are straight but maybe at one point in their life they fell in love and dated another woman but found that they were only attracted to that one particular woman. What about straight men, I then wondered this out loud to my blog buddy, he reminded me of the college experimentation stories that we hear of. I never paid much attention to those stories, I really always assumed those guys were actually gay or bisexual and were not ready to admit it. Now I am wondering if I am wrong, maybe they were just straight guys that were comfortable enough with themselves to want to try a little play. Thinking back, both my friend and I began to remember stories of where some of our straight friends, who somehow just seem to know about us, began to get a little too close to us. I can remember, straight friends becoming a little too sexual in their horseplay with me, usually beer was a factor here. Now I just hate myself, because I was so busy trying not to be outed as gay, I did not notice the guys that thought I was, and then tried to get somewhere with it. I should have realized if they wanted to push the envelope, they probably did not care about me being gay in the first place. I used to think of it as being decent, now I think of it as missed opportunities. I should make it clear that these were people I knew well, cared about and trusted, they were not strangers.

My reality is however, me trying to find gay friends, then a boyfriend. The above are only thoughts, I would rather have someone to kiss good night to every evening before going to sleep, and not me sleeping with women or horny straight guys. I know the right would go nuts at the thought of people dating whoever, and would claim the end of humanity, however I don't think at the moment there is a shortage of humans. I think with the younger generation there is less pressure to stay inside the box and more encouragement to think/date outside the box. Some people are just totally straight and will only date the opposite sex and some people like me are totally gay and could only love a same sex person, but imagine a world where people just went out with whoever they fell in love with, man or woman and no one judged and one cared as long as they were good to each other.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Have you learned nothing?

Growing up gay did often make me feel isolated, in the early days gays just never heard of famous people coming out, in fact it was the kiss of death for a career if that were to happen. Things began to open up and more and more people in the public eye began to come forward and I think it was and still is, very brave of these people and I really appreciate it. When younger it did help to hear that certain singers, actors, politicians were gay also, led normal lives and had loving relationships. There was however a mean streak also in the gay community, one that wanted to out everyone whether they were ready or not. This I hated because I used to think what if I were in that person's shoes. Lately though I am coming across something even worse, where rumours are started about straight people and will not stop even when proven otherwise. I saw story titles this weekend about a gay hockey player, since I'm Canadian and think hockey players are hot, I decided to check it out. The lead ins would have you believe you were about to view pictures of a gay hockey player caught french kissing his boyfriend. However what you find are two young straight guys about nineteen, who had been out to a bar and were just buddies fooling around. The picture (yes only one) was staged, the guys were not even touching, they were just pretending to touch tongues. Straight guys do that sort of thing all the time and trust me I have seen much more erotic things between straight guys than that. I am not going to mention the hockey player's name because I don't want to add to this. He was upset enough to ask to be interviewed about this where he flatly said that he is not gay, to me that is a straight guy answer, gay guys always say things like, "I don't like labels". This should have been enough but the hinting continues.

This angers me on many different levels. First why would we attack someone like this, explain the benefit we would get from it. What would be a faster way to start turning straight guys against us than sexually harassing them and insisting they are gay when they clearly show us they are not. Honestly even if they were gay, it should be case closed if they say no and are not harming the gay community, if they are not ready to come out we should show compassion for them. I just want to make it clear that I have a different answer for someone that is being hypocritical by preventing gays and lesbians from basic rights or making money from homophobia, while having gay sex in parks and washrooms, my feeling is that when you fire upon the gay community, you had better be prepared for some retaliation. Don't we want to encourage our straight male friends to be more comfortable around each other and us as well. Will the next generation grow up being afraid of hugging their best friend lest they appear on the net as being lovers.

Mostly though even as I had trouble coming out, I don't need these kinds of lies to validate me as a gay person. It was nice to have people like Ellen, T.R. Night etc, come out but I don't need certain members of the gay community to make up stories to make me feel better about myself. I am not so weak that I need to falsely believe everyone is really gay and just will not admit it. If the person is handsome we can admire them from a distance whether straight or gay because really most of us don't have a chance to meet and be with them anyway. I always feel horrible when the person is trying to be positive towards the gay community when answering questions about their sexuality and the ones doing the questioning are hostile back, if they are not gay then it would not make sense for them to say yes they are, just so as not to hurt our feelings. Plus I think no one should have to talk about their sex lives if they don't want to, it does not affect how they play for our favorite team, how they sing on their next album or act in the next movie.

I do like to find out someone who I have enjoyed, either in the real world or entertainment world is gay. It does give me a feeling of belonging but I only like it when it is positive for that person, as with them finding a life love and they want to share the good news or they feel they want everyone to know the whole person. However when someone is outed cruelly or accused wrongly it leaves a sour feeling inside and I think of what most gay people have gone through to get here, it surprises and saddens me to see that some in the gay community have learned nothing.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Dream time Dad

Once a group of us had watched the movie Spanglish with Adam Sandler. After we (all guys) were discussing it, I said the thing I got from that movie was this. The little girl that played Sandler's daughter was not "Hollywood pretty" but she and her character had a spark that came through loud and clear. I said that I would be so proud to have a daughter like that, in fact I would prefer to have a child turn out like her than one that was really pretty but shallow and vain, she was bright, funny and had layers to her personality. The reaction was mixed, single guys with no children said no, that it would be better if she was pretty, that things would be easier for her, however the Dads in the group nodded their heads in agreement, they understood, love your child no matter what but it is more important in how they turn out as a person than what they look like.

Since I have known that I'm gay from a young age, I've always also known I will never be a Dad. This did make me a little sad from time to time but it never really hit me hard until one night after a dream I had. When I entered into my thirties I guess the 'Dad' clock decided to strike the time running out alarm to try to wake me up. It was one of those alternate life dreams where I was straight, it was so detailed and felt very real to me. I was in a grocery store getting stuff for supper, I knew in my dream I had a wife at home waiting on me to hurry and bring something to make. As I was getting chicken I heard a familiar little boy's voice behind me, "Daddy can I have this" when I turned around there was a little boy coming up to me with candies cupped in his hands. In the dream I instantly knew that this boy was my son, that his name was Colin, that he was four years old and also in that instant I never felt so much love for a person that I felt towards him. With that sudden wave of emotion I could feel myself begin to awaken, I did not want to leave, I did not want to go back to being the gay guy, I wanted to stay in this world, a straight man, a young Dad out getting groceries with his son. I felt myself slipping away so I said to my son, "come here Colin Daddy needs a hug" I held on tight to him, he said "whats wrong Dad" I told him nothing so as not to frighten him and whispered good bye as I woke up. When I was completely awake it hit me hard, sudden great sorrow at the loss of never having that dream come true. Strange as it sounds, I don't know any little boy named Colin that looked like him, me in another time or dimension, if you believe in that sort of thing, possibly, I don't know. I some times wonder if that was a way for my mind to say good-bye to a life that I will never lead.

I decided to just accept the fact that Fatherhood is not for me, put those feelings in a bottle and place them on a shelf somewhere in the back of my mind and move on, there is no use in dwelling on something that will not happen. I guess some of these feelings have stirred up a little again because I have started reading Cooper's Corridor. I don't know him, he doesn't know of me, we are not blog friends, I just like the beauty of his blog. The way he writes, how he sees the world and I admire him greatly for the huge step he has taken at his young age to be responsible for two little lives. Some days when I whine about being too chicken to get out and meet people, I read his blog and think how lucky I am that this is my only problem. Like with the movie Spanglish and that sweet little girl, even though Cooper's kids are cute as kittens, when I read his blog I keep thinking that if I had a son, I would hope he would turn out to be a person like Cooper himself. Through Cooper's blog I read Kevin's post of what some children go through and I realized how blessed I was growing up. My family is middle class, we did not have a lot of extras but I was so lucky in that I grew up in the big white house, my parents were always there for us, they were solid people that let us put down roots, I had a close extended family and even a dog named Lassie, what more could a kid ask for. I am a little surprised to hear that there are so many children that need help. I always was under the impression that there were line ups of people waiting to adopt, maybe that is just for babies.

Sad to think there are people who don't want gays adopting, I guess they feel it is better to have a straight junkie raising a child than a loving gay parent. The argument that the child will grow up gay is so pointless, most gay people were raised by straight people, the child will grow up more tolerant that is all. Maybe that is the fear, maybe some people are afraid of a sub group of young straight people who can see through certain lies. Maybe their fear is that the child would be less open to being brained washed, interesting if you think about it because we know how certain groups like to control people.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Conversations with Straight Guys

Once I heard of a study that was done on how different straight men reacted towards gay men. I am not sure if this is an actual study or one of those myths that gets started in the gay community. If true the results were as follows, guys that had gay male friends when tested showed no signs of being sexually attracted to men in any way. The thinking was that because they were sure and confident in their heterosexuality, they felt completely comfortable around gay men. On the opposite side, men that were convicted of gay bashing, and were asked to take part in the study as part of a lighter sentence, showed signs of sexual excitement towards other males, especially to wrestling or fighting scenes. The thinking was that these men had some levels of bisexuality maybe some even gay and they could not deal with it. We often have heard this, the man can not deal with his same sex attraction so to convince others around him he is not gay, he becomes the most violent person against them. I think there is probably a lot of truth to that and if not, well I think we should spread that around anyway, what a perfect revenge for us to have everyone thinking gay bashers just really want to smoke pole!

In coming out, so far it has been going well. To be honest with everyone, I keep saying over and over this is no run of good luck. I have been reading my friends for a while now and know who will take it alright and who to hold off on telling for now. I say this so as not to give someone a false sense of everything being rosie and have them expose themselves to a bad situation. Thinking of which straight guys to tell, I looked to the ones that seemed the most comfortable with themselves. As of now not many male friends know, mostly because I just never had the right moment to tell some of them but it is not out of fear of rejection. The only reason that I have told a lot of my women friends is because they dropped in so I had the chance to sit down with them and talk. Thinking of which guys to tell first, made me think of the funny, strange and down right kinky conversations that I have had with these guys, that shows me how comfortable they are with themselves. The following conversations were with 100% straight guys, some even married with kids, I know what you are thinking but trust me they are straight.

Guy #1 does not know I am gay, says "men have much nicer feet than women".
Me, asks "huh, wha, wha, what did you just say?"
Guy #1, "men have much more attractive feet than women, the shoes women wear make their toes curl, get pointy and gnarly".
Me, "uhm yeah OK what ever." He is right when I think about it, I am not a foot fetish person but I do notice guys who have nice feet and I do find it attractive, however the top view only, the bottom of a person's feet does nothing for me.

Guy #2 does not know I am gay, says "I always check other guys out in the gym shower."
Me, asks "What! Why?"
Guy #2 says, "hey I'm just being honest here, no big deal and you can't tell me that most other guys don't do that, I want to see how I compare to other men."
Me, laughs and asks, "so how do you measure up?"
Guy #2 "ooh those really tall guys over 6'1 are hung like donkeys!"
Me, laughing my ass off and also wishing I went to his gym.

Guy #3 says "I think you are gay Steven and I don't care if you are, but if I was gay also I would not pick you for a boyfriend."
Me, surprised asks, "why not?"
Guy #3 says "you are too picky and I would never feel comfortable in our home because you would get mad at me for being messy!"
Guy #4 who was also there says, "oh great he would pick me for a boyfriend because I'm messy!"
Guy #3 says "no way I would pick you for a boyfriend because you wear a size 12 shoe, so you are not coming near my backside with that thing!"
Me laughing so hard and thinking if they only knew!

Guy #5 does not know I am gay but suspects strongly and tells me constantly to trust him and come out to him. One day he says to me "I tried tasting myself."
Me, shocked asks, "Whoa! What? What do you mean?"
Guy #5 "I tasted myself one day while masturbating, I wanted to see what it tastes like for my girlfriend when she gives me head."
Me, stunned says "wow that is really open minded of you." I was really thinking that is pretty hot, plus for a straight friend to trust me enough to tell me that is kind of awesome as well.

Guy #6 knows I am gay, says while watching spiderman "do you think Tobey Maguire is cute?"
Me, answers "yes, very cute, I have a thing for him."
Guy #6 says "nah not me, I don't really think he is good looking but you know I could see you two together."
Me, smiles at how cool that conversation was with a straight friend.

This is one of the reasons I believe there is truth to the statement that guys who are OK with having gay friends are totally straight. They are comfortable with their sexuality and so do not need to hide their true feelings or prove anything to anyone. On a final thought to that, I remember once being at a wedding and a guy kept making loud anti-gay comments, they were directed towards one of the servers there who was almost certainly gay. Years later the same guy that was making the rude comments, came out to his friends and family, yep he was a closet case! Probably this is not the same with every anti-gay behaviour or situation that comes up but from now on when ever I see anyone that really struggles with and is hostile towards gays and lesbians, I will switch on my gaydar and scan more closely! This is because I will wonder what are they trying to hide by using hatred to divert attention away from themselves.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Writer's Block

The last few days I have a lot of emotions going through my head, sometimes I feel that I have nothing to say and then I feel I have too much to get down. When someone stops writing on their blog and I miss that blog, I have a bratty habit of writing to them and calling them a 'lazy blogger' to try and spark them to write. Today I am going to be a little lazy and send you guys over to Kendall's blog "the way I see it". He asked me to take part in his ten questions post that he has on Wednesdays, so this way I can be lazy and you can read my answers.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Not good enough?

When I first began to think about coming out, I always wondered and worried about the straight people in my life. How they would react, would they accept me. Arrogantly I assumed the gay community would think itself lucky to have me, wrong of me to think like that but I never worried about how I would be accepted there. I had this vision of a gay group coming to my door, a welcoming committee with gay contracts to sign and instructions on how to be gay, maybe even a list of all the gay people in my city. I mean how lucky they would feel that I was one of them! However that certainly did not turn out to be the case.

I never once thought that I would... well actually not be good enough to be gay! Yep, it is true, according to what I am reading, I am just not good enough for most gay people to be their friend. I was shocked, is this not the same minority that cries about tolerance, understanding and being non judgemental. I had put my name out on some local sites to try and find some friends. When I look around I just don't meet most of the requirements to be a gay friend.

First my age is a factor, once you get past 29, I think you are suppose to turn straight because you seem to hold no value in the gay community any longer. This may surprise some people but it is not my fault, I did not do anything wrong to become older, I did not want to get older it just happened one night, plus one night, plus one night, plus one night etc. To the guys in your 30s, 40s and 50s who say no one over 25 well enjoy your miserable loneliness, you deserve it. Next, I need to work out, yes I should have taken better care of myself and just for simple health reasons I should get into a routine, however we can't all be male models. I am not clear though, if you let yourself look like Shrek, why do you demand everyone around you look like Prince charming! I'm not six feet, my eyes are not blue, I'm really white like I just saw a ghost and I will never tan, so these undesirable qualities make it impossible for other gay guys to go to a movie, have a cup of coffee or just hang out with me. I guess it would kill their cool factor. I am not super butch or super jock either, just a regular guy, I don't think there is a sub-group in the gay culture for that one.

My pen is not for you to touch, it does not matter how big my pen is as long as I know the material on the exam! Yep sorry folks I am talking about the pen-is, penis. OK so if you say on your profile that you are looking for friends only, then why does it matter how long I am (or not long), come on I'm only a size 9 shoe, give me a break I am an 8 like everyone else, what do you want me to do, fall over or faint from loss of blood! Then comes cut or uncut, well you see in the straight world we only shook hands when first meeting a person, are you going to examine me or something? I need that gay hand book, there must be something missing from what I know about making friends. A lot of sites ask me to say whether I am a top or bottom, well when I'm up the ladder I am on top and when I go down the ladder I am at the bottom, end of story.

I am not upset by all of this because I will let you in on a little secret, if you judge my character as a friend on my hair color, height or my penis, I am not interested in meeting you either. I like people to have different levels to them, I like to be surprised by them as I get to know them better. I think being that shallow lets me see through the one level you have. I decided to pull my name from these sites and searched for a different route. I have mentioned before finding clubs in this city for gay people not into the bar scene, I have been finding more groups along these lines and they seem more open and accepting of everyone. I will start to make contact with certain groups and we will see how that goes. I have a better feeling about people who are in a club to meet or help others than a club where their only concern is to get themselves off.

Saturday, November 3, 2007


OK so things did not turn out the way I wanted Halloween night, I had my pity moment and now I'm fine, well sort of. I was trying to get enough nerve to go have a drink in a gay bar tonight but I kept putting it off and then used the excuse that it was too late to go out. I'm such a kid sometimes! I put my profile on a gay site tonight, I'm listed as just looking for friends so I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. The thing that bugs me about the site is that it advertised as being for my city but once I joined and looked for people, it gave me profiles of people from all over Canada and the U.S. I already have blog buddies from all over, I wanted real live gay friends close by. Someone emailed me the other day and used an expression that made me laugh, he said to come out of the closet and tell people that I, "like to smoke and ride pole!" I was thinking if I don't get many hits on my dating site, then I will list that in the section marked as "favourite activities or hobbies", that should get a good bunch of hits.

The other night at the dinner I was thinking lesbians are really cool people, the other side of the gay coin so to speak. Strange as it sounds I do know a good number of lesbians but no gay men, all of them are very down to earth. I did not really fit in though and it had nothing to do with being the only person there that owns a real penis, no it was that they talked about sports, home renovations and cars. I was thinking "shit" I could have just hung out with my straight buddies! Speaking of straight buddies I am suppose to go out tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that and at least it won't be a disappointment when I don't meet anyone - again. My friend sent the following little brain tease that I thought was really cool. Read and stare in wonder at the human mind.

Aoccdrnig to rscheerarch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

The Dinner

Well in case you guys happen to have forgotten, last night I was invited to a dinner party where there were other gay people invited besides little me. I felt OK about it until a few hours before where I did then begin to feel a little nervous. As I was parking my car my sister came out with a big grin on her face and was saying to come on in. Now what if I told you guys that when I went in to meet everyone there was a cute guy there that I already knew, what if I told you I was shocked to see him there and to find out he is gay also, what if I also told you that after the party he invited me to come back to his place where we stared into each others eyes and talked for hours into the night. That would be pretty exciting for someone like me, however my life is a Mr Bean movie where nothing works out the way I would like it to. So if I did tell you I met a cute guy it would be an interesting story but that is all it would be, a story, a good one but it would be false.

What actually happen went more like this, none of the gay guys showed up, even the straight guys just grabbed something to eat and left in a few seconds. This left Steven in a house full of women, both lesbian and straight. They even joked about poor Steve, stuck with a bunch of women. They were all friendly, the food was really good so I was not about to leave without eating. Kids kept coming to the door and they did this funny thing were if the kids sang a song, they would get extra candy so that was cool to watch. That means basically I am right back to square one. I thought something like this might happen so I have been looking into the local bars and clubs to see which ones are better suited to me, however I am really feeling that disconnected sense I get when looking into places and gay events like this. Right now I feel tired of this whole thing and want to take a holiday from my "being gay" project.