Thursday, April 30, 2020

I forgot what I don't remember?

 Memories, light the corners of my mind, misty water colored memories... of the way we werrrrre. I have always been intrigued by our memories. In my late teens I began to notice how people could experience the same event but have completely different versions of that event. Of course I noticed more issues regarding memory as mom's dementia began to progress but it really began to show up after my father passed away. My dad was raised in a large family, sometimes I would ask an uncle or aunt about a story that my father repeatedly told us, only to discover that they had a completely different version. There are also huge differences between the older brothers and sisters compared to the younger ones, which would make sense.

 Makes me wonder what is true and what is me wanting something to be true. I was watching a program last night about our memories and how they shape us. They did an interesting study of people who were close to the twin towers on 911. They asked them about where they were and what they were doing at the time of the attack. I would think something like that should be stuck in your mind. They then asked people the same questions a year after the attack, then two years later, five years later etc, etc. Around 60% of the people were somewhat consistent with their stories; however 40% of the people had completely different stories and believed the latest version to be absolutely true. As an example, a person may have originally described quickly leaving their office and trying to outrun the dust and smoke, where ten years later they said that they were on holidays visiting parents and watching it on tv.

 I have often said that I'm glad I didn't delete my old posts. Many times I imagine an event happening in the fall for example or maybe a story regarding a neighbor, only to look back and see the timeline was completely wrong or that the neighbor had already moved away two years before the event. Makes me wonder what past memories I have are false. I do know that my sister and I have very different memories of childhood events. I used to wonder what was wrong with her, now I wonder how many times was she right about something and I was wrong.

 They also talked about how mood and emotions cloud our memories. For example if a couple met for lunch and they were newly dating, they remembered things as being really good, the restaurant had a friendly atmosphere, the food was fantastic, the other person was charming, funny and dressed really well. If on the other hand,  the couple was coming to the end of a relationship. They remembered the restaurant as an uncomfortable place, that the other person was rude, that the food was not good etc. Our little brains add things in.

That's sometimes why I want to document what is happening around me and also include my emotions and feelings regarding this frustrating situation. I don't want to think it was nothing in the future but I don't want to think I was hiding in the basement either.

 It's also why I don't hold grudges against people for past mistakes, or at least I try not to. If they are good to me now then let's live in the now, why be upset with someone when my memory of some past incident, has me as a perfect angel and them as a terrible villain. With the exception of course of something serious. I remember in my late teens someone classifying me as a friend to someone. I remarked that he used to be such a bully to me (actually "the" bully in my younger life) he answered by saying yes, that he remembered how stuck up I was to him, that I thought I was so much better than him. I was shocked to hear for the first time what was going through his mind at the time. To be honest I was afraid of him but I also wouldn't doubt that I (without realizing it)... was snobby to him.

 Same right now with a high school friend, his version of high school emotionally has completely taken me by surprise. I always thought he was one of the people getting through unscathed at the time, his version has him being treated horribly. Some of our memories are the same but the versions are often completely different. Enter in a third friend and his version is also completely different... so what is real?

 Finally last night they spoke about healing people mentally, that people who unfortunately have PTSD for example, may have their memories worked over, meaning adding in positive feelings with a traumatic experience to lessen the impact. If they succeed that would be great, at least they wouldn't have to relive the experience over and over.

 If our memories shape us into the person who we have become... but we are making them up as we go, then who are we really?

Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Value Added Life.

 I was watching a comedy the other night, it was a repeat episode from about five years ago, so well before the covid disaster. It doesn't matter what show it was because they were playing a common premise. One of the main characters had to get a job, he was lazy and had been living off of family. He applied to work at a grocery store and right away that was supposed to imply something very negative, that the people working hard for little pay were somehow beneath this "cool" parasite, he was somehow, better than them.

 I believe everyone has value, I respect any hard working person that does a job and does their job well. I don't discriminate against the type of job they do. During this time of... well.. danger, these workers are the ones standing between something still resembling normal times and panic from total chaos. If people went looney over hand sanitizer and toilet paper, imagine if grocery stores shut down for four weeks. I am hearing stories of employees being yelled at and treated rudely, in Quebec one young father was run down because a customer didn't want to have to social distance in a parking lot line up.

 I have mentioned before that I always make it a point to speak with the cashier and the person bagging my purchases. Usually I make a little joke, it's just my little way of saying, "I see you, I appreciate your service, you are not just part of the counter/cash register system. Usually they light up once they realize I'm making a connection with them. Something different from being ignored all day by people talking to their phones while staring at them. I'm really glad that I have never taken for granted these people, especially now with what is happening around us. Sometimes there is an attitude that these people should work, its their fault for not working in a "real" job. It's their fault for not being able to save for a rainy day.

I hope people sheltering safely at home would think about the poor person behind the counter, I know that I certainly wouldn't want to be dealing with customers all day! I also hope that portraying those workers as idiots, too dumb to find another type of job, will become a thing of the past. I haven't been to a store in four weeks, imagine how many people they have dealt with in the past four weeks. People who have done nothing wrong should not be ridiculed and deserve respect, especially now. I know that I certainly miss the freedom to just go and pick up groceries when ever I needed them like in the old days!

 As a gay man I'm not sure wether to get excited or become a vegetarian!

Monday, April 27, 2020

Seven Billion Plus One.

 Another post I never finished, this was back in 2016 believe it or not. I had placed mom in a nursing home and I was heading towards my 50s. I never finished because it was a very dark time for me, I had never felt so alone before and everything in life became so pointless to me. I imagined in my head that nobody ever thought of me, I was slightly depressed I think. Someone had abandoned a little cat near my home around that time and after spending the summer half starving, she came to the farm for shelter. I felt we were both forgotten and decided I would rescue her. She became my Dusty, the coolest little cat I ever owned. I felt that it was too difficult to finish the post the way I wanted. Anyway here we go. Remember this is four years ago before I met Mr X.

 One of the serious reasons I would like a boyfriend, is because I need to feel that at least one person out of the seven billion people on this earth...  loves me. When mom forgot who I was and with dad gone, I realized that even with our vast population on earth, out of the billions of people, no one actually... loves me any more and that is a crushing feeling. It's a hard fact to accept, sure there are people who care about me and some that like me but that's not the same as being loved by someone, a partner that feels lost without you when you are not around or a parent or grandparent that adores you. It's that horrible feeling, like when you are standing in a crowd but feel alone.

 Little unwanted cat, no one cares about you, even worse off than me as you were abandoned by the road, to live or die, it didn't make any difference to your owner.. Maybe when a person is hurting inside and is keeping silent about it, maybe the universe somehow takes note and tries to send help, even in the smallest way.

 One evening after coming home from work, feeling numb inside I went out to look after the animals. I went to the farthest shed, hiding in there is a little lost cat, actually it's not lost but something worse, not wanted and dumped like garbage onto the road.

 I went to the house and got her some cat food and a little dish. I had been placing food out wherever I saw her last. She watched me put the food down and understood what I was doing. I went and sat down. She hesitated for a long time and then finally came to the food. While eating she looked at me with the saddest expression, almost an expression of exhausted resign, as if to say, "please don't  let this be a trick, please don't hurt me". I made her a promise that day, I whispered to her, "I will take care of you".

A few days later she came over to where I was working and fell asleep in the sun.

Sunday, April 26, 2020

Over the fetish top.

 It's that time of year again, spring cleaning for my blog. I always end up with a bunch in the "drafts" column. I'm not sure when I started this one, sometime last fall. It's interesting to read this because I'm hoping to one day have a boyfriend and now I actually do. One cool thing in here is I say that I have become attracted to men with beards, my new beau sports some face fur and I actually grew a fuzzy face because I like the way he looks at me with a beard. I'm not sure what made me write this, probably something happened in the online dating scene that sparked this post.

 Speaking of gay preferences.. and fetishes.. and turn ons.. and low down in heat lustful man drooling, there is one thing that drives me crazy, stop OVER doing it. Example, most erotic pictures of men now have the guy so closely shaved clean, that he looks like he's had some sort of chemical bath. A little hair on a man is nice, (with the exception of ears, nose or knuckles). Sometimes I find a site that invites readers to check them out if you like pictures of men.. with a hairy chest for example, when I go there, it's clear that the person has become obsessed with hairy chests and it has reached the fetish level. Usually the men are so hairy that I begin to wonder if I have accidentally clicked onto a Bigfoot sighting page. It begins to look like a circus freak show, I'm saying things like, "I didn't know men could be that hairy" or "I wonder if he's wearing a sweater?"

 If I say I like a cute bum on a man, I don't want to see pictures of men bent over like they are about to have their temperature taken rectally... or they are trying to show me how well their hemorrhoid cream is working. It can be anything that gay/bi men find attractive about other men. Give a fetish inch and run with it a mile. A little tummy is cute on a man, most guys don't have six-pack abs (except our Cali Boi ;D), everyone needs to accept this and get over it. However don't go to a site that boasts about having a "little tummy" because it will go to the extreme, making you wonder, "is that a beer belly or is he nine months along"? Same with beards, tattoos, piercings, older men, tall men, short men, husky men, underwear, baldness etc etc. Just show me a nice guy that has a tattoo or beard, not someone that looks like a hermit who was captured in the woods. I'm not even going to touch the men with toys pages, nope I can't afford the therapy after looking at those sites.

 I think my preferences get affected in reverse to what is popular. Blonde, blue eyed men are attractive but they don't press my buttons as much as dark haired, brown eyed men do. I think I get over exposed to one type and become immune to them. The darker the better as in guys with raven black hair.. of course same dark coloured body hair is super sexy to me. Younger men are nice to look at but I get bored with them, older men get my attention more now. Again the absolutely shaved thing is a turn off, I want my guy to look like a man and not a man-nequin. I used to not like facial hair but now a trimmed beard is a button pusher. I think there is some "opposites attract" going on with me as well. Being thin, extremely white, not that tall, I find I'm attracted to guys that are tall, darker in skin colour and I prefer a guy that's a little on the heavier side, than on the really thin side. Plus.. I like a guy with big feet, don't ask me why lol... and no it has nothing to do with that size myth about feet and penises. Big feet and hands, a total turn on for me. Again though, don't go to some site with a name like "Guys with nice feet". There you will find pictures that are just so wrong lol, just so so wrong!

 Of course all this means nothing if I find someone that "fits" with me. The most important thing is that our personalities mesh. I have often found myself attracted to someone that doesn't fit my preferences, I'm not really surprised by this because my preferences have shifted over the years. Some guys personalities are just that attractive and they are fun to be around. I think the trick is to try and find a great personality with a few of my preferences added in and hope I can connect with them. If they happen to be a tall, dark haired man with a furry chest and big feet then that's just a bonus for me!

Your Sunday Service.

  I'm just rotten today, you've been warned. Many of you are not able to attend your regular Sunday service because of the virus. Getting to know you little angels over these past years lead me to create a Sunday post.. just for you. Okay, yeah my bad, very bad, don't take me too seriously today, just try not to be too offended. Most of my readers have gone over to the dark side long, long ago, this is mostly for them, you know who you are!

 Well I thought the guy was kinda cute, plus there's a nice message of encouragement with that sign.

 I was thinking that I should be more inclusive with my next choice of picture, I need to better represent a diverse group of religions and not just one or two.

 What says family and people coming together better than little children. It's important to include drawings and pictures that would interest the next generation in the stories most of us remember.

 Finally, many of my readers are Americans, now I know what the rest of you are probably thinking, "shhh turn out the lights and pretend nobody is home". Have no fear, my American fans are the nice 50% of Americans and not the gun carrying, married to a first cousin, MAGA hat heads. I thought I would give them a special shout out since they actually have something called the bible-belt.

 I'm going to have to do major penance for this post, I'm being a very bad man. As punishment I promise that I will listen to a Madonna tune, plus stop watching all those Mormon recruitment porn videos for at least three one month!

Saturday, April 25, 2020

How Worried are You?

 Just wondering how people are feeling these days, anxiety, stress levels? Regarding this dumb ass plague, how worried are you about getting sick? About dying from this disease?

1) Not that worried, I might get sick but I feel that I will be fine.

2) Not that worried about myself, I will be fine but I'm worried about certain people close to me.

3) Concerned and cautious but feel that as long as I follow health officials advice I will be okay.

4) Worried, the numbers make me uneasy, I would not want to get this. I feel some threat from it. I don't focus on it all the time but the virus is always at the back of my mind.

5) Really scared, I feel I could die if I get it. I just want to hide out until a vaccine is found. I'm under a lot of stress over the virus, it's always on my mind. I get emotional at times because of it.

  What are you thinking? How are you feeling? All answers and opinions are correct. You can just choose a number if you want or make a comment. As for myself, I think that I bounce between 4 and 5, I would also add in the emotions of anger, disbelief and loneliness.

Thursday, April 23, 2020

Skip the tatts white boy.

 I have mentioned before that I'm not a fan of tattoos, it's just my personal preference. I don't feel however that it's any of my business regarding how other people act in getting a tattoo or liking tattoos on someone. There are times when I do think a certain tattoo looks good on someone, unlike most younger people today, I think less is more. I have also blogged about my huge regret over the "slippery when wet" tattoo I had done back in my twenties, something I have to live with. I'm totally joking, I don't have any tattoos.

 I'm often disappointed and even turned off at times when a guy removes his shirt and looks like a green inked collage. Sometimes I find the tattoos cover the form of the man, I think they make him look to be in need of a good bath. I find the trend now of  tattoos all over the neck and face to be gross, like when little kids play with markers. What is up with writing an entire passage on someone's side or back these days.. and I usually can't read it because it's in some bizarre font to look cool. I'm also not sold on the real reasoning behind getting one. I can't tell you how many times I have cautioned people to think it over... only to now have them regret getting one. Getting a tattoo is not going to change your life if you are looking for a way to improve your situation. It's a totally different story if you just want it for something similar to a fashion statement.

 One thing I have noticed is skin colour also plays a huge role in the attractiveness to me, I mean the attractiveness of the tattoos, not the man... oops.. oh sorry, will someone check on Sixpence, I think he just fainted! It's okay sweetie Sixpence, I'm not judging the man, just the tattoos, don't worry I didn't just go MAGA on you. Looking at pictures of men recently, many most (okay who am I kidding) all of them having their shirts off, I couldn't help notice the ones with tattoos and how I found them (the tattoos not the men) attractive or unattractive.

 Now as a white boy I would like to state that in spite of being called white people, there are many skin tones in the brotherhood, and when we begin to take over the world again we will... Oh sorry, that's for my other blog... muahahaha. No seriously there are many skin tones and many look good with a tattoo but unfortunately I think the people who (like me) have milk white skin, just don't look good with a tattoo. It just doesn't fit, the contrast is too harsh. It doesn't look like body art, in the art world it would be the picture of dogs playing poker. It's one of the reasons I'm not interested in getting a tattoo. I'm not saying that I never will, just right now I'm not interested in one. At the other end of the scale people with really really dark skin make me wonder why they went through the pain but not my business. I think I need to study this further, more photos of shirtless men will be required but I'm up to the task. Honestly I'm just glad guys stopped getting the barbed wire tattoo around their arm, now everyone and their grandma has that one!

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

No Heavy Lifting.

 Today I want to focus on the positives of this negative situation. Like this morning for example, people were asking me around ten a.m. if I "just got up". Ummm no, I didn't just wake up at ten... which is totally true but maybe they are not asking the right question, there is a difference between waking up and getting out of bed. Seriously it's suddenly cold, dark and rainy every day, who are they, the sleep police? Speaking of weather, around here it's normal for it to be really windy this time of year but I just wish that we could have one day where the wind doesn't sound like a dinosaur is trying to hump the house. Actually yesterday sleet was spraying against the windows, so that paints a visual to go with the humping dinosaur.

 As for routines being ignored, this morning I had cookies for breakfast, I can justify that in my head because they were oatmeal cookies, not just any cookies but homemade oatmeal cookies so that's just like eating porridge or granola bars (work with me). Probably shouldn't mention the butterscotch chips I added in but in fairness to me, I only added in half a bag so that makes my cookies half the fat.

 There are bonuses to this social distancing, yesterday for example, I suddenly felt my kitchen was untidy looking, not just dishes that needed washing but some floor scrubbing is likely needed. Then I realized, no one is going to see it, actually no one is going to come to the house let alone want to come in. Same with laundry, doesn't matter if I run out of clean clothes. I have closets full of old shabby clothes, no one is going to see me dressed like a hobo (instead of a homo). I can make a fashion statement that says Wal-Mart threw up on Kmart. Also I confess, all those memes about people wearing lounge pants and sweat shirts 24/7, that's me. All those memes about people not taking a shower every day... hey it's earth day, I'm saving the planet by saving water and energy. It has nothing to do with my deodorant usually lasting 48 hours or not being motivated. Also a warning, if you go out wearing only lounge pants in a cold wind, make sure the fly is buttoned, you don't want a blast of cold air freezing the plumbing.

 Exercise? Well I was walking every day but unfortunately the weather changed for the worse. Rule of thumb, if it feels like cold water is being poured down my shirt no matter what I do, I'm staying in.

 Another bonus is I'm connecting with people again. People I haven't heard from in a long time are calling me out of boredom The really nice thing about this, is if I realize there was a reason I let the friendship slip away in the first place, I don't have to worry about a surprise visit or being invited out for an awkward meal! It's win win!

 I need a haircut, I need a shave, again that brings to mind earth day, I'm going for the earthy look or maybe that's the wild man look (caveman look)? Be kind to mother earth, I think she's a little angry with us right now and you know that saying, "if mother's not happy, then nobody's happy"!

Monday, April 20, 2020

When Society Paused. (Plague)

 On Sunday (Easter Sunday) I was looking back through my blog to see what I was doing around each Easter weekend, trying to get a sense of life back during normal times. One thing I noticed was how I used the blog, almost as if this was a diary. I got a sense of the moment from back then and I could plug into those old feelings and emotions. I notice that I have stopped doing that, I'm no longer recording moments in my life and just rambling on most times. A perfect example is not mentioning Mr X until I was sure he was sticking around. I understand why I did it but if this is a snapshot of my life, that's a moment in time that is lost. There are funny moments and touching moments that I no longer remember, I can't fondly look back, the virus took over and many moments have been lost.

 I also realized that I'm trying to soften what is happening around us, this is wrong, one day I may be looking back on this post and wondering, was it really all that bad? Why pretend that it wasn't, I should be looking back and thinking, "oh yes, that was one frigging scary time"! It's dishonest with myself if I say anything other than the truth, so I'm going to write about it not as a way to whine and moan about it, just as how I'm seeing it and feeling it personally right now. This post is mostly a letter to my future self but you can read it too.

 First future Steven, speaking of scary times, at this very moment, you are actually wondering if you will be alive next year. Maybe ironically you won't be able to look back because this disease is so contagious, so dangerous, so deadly that you caught it and died in the next few months. This is one of the stresses, it's literally living under the threat of early death. Like an invisible creature hiding, waiting to pounce on you and inject its venom. Once bitten all anyone can do is watch you with a worried look and hope the poison doesn't kill you. At this point in time there is absolutely nothing anyone can do, no cure, no medication, no treatment. We are back in the era of plagues. 

  Society has shut down, you can buy groceries, the mail still comes, restaurants serve takeout  but that's pretty much it. The world will pretty much be like this off and on for the next two years, unbelievable to comprehend at times. Some say we may never have a vaccine, life will change forever, depending on how this goes the luckiest people may be the ones who had it already and only had mild symptoms, like white privilege or wealth privilege, they will have COVID19-privilege a type of freedom envied by others.

 Speaking of changes in society, you (Steven) are being punished for procrastinating and not selling the farm last year. Quebec has finally reached their dream of having a police state, something they have been longing for all your life. What other Canadians are not aware of is the roads and highways are blocked off with multiple police blockades. They record your movements and monitor cellphone use. They overreach and say how it's for your own good.  Yes it makes sense to stop people from large cities coming out to the country but it doesn't make sense to have the small villages in lockdown where there is no virus. You (Steven) because of your plates will never leave the yard for fear of being separated from your family home. I sarcastically say that I feel the next move is to start asking people which ones are Jewish and which ones are not.

 Some day if I'm reading this in the future, I will probably wonder, why I didn't do "this" or "that" (in a general term). The thing you're slowly forgetting is how the seriousness of illness quietly crept up on everyone until suddenly it was roaring in our countries. It wasn't like we saw a monster approaching. We were constantly told by the WHO it's not a pandemic, our politicians were afraid of looking like they were over reacting and feared being called racist for closing travel to hard hit countries, doctors were saying it's just a flu like disease, that it is only dangerous to the elderly and not that contagious. This was not right wingers saying this, although they would keep repeating it later on but fortunately Canada realized their mistake and pivoted incredibly fast. When the time for shut downs were approaching, we were thinking a week, two weeks maybe three. Everything started to change about every 8 hours and the next thing we knew... modern society had basically ended. It feels like living in an apocalyptic movie.

 Hopefully you made it through Steven... if you are looking back reading this and wondering, "was it really that bad, am I exaggerating that time in my memory?" Yes it's really bad, like nothing we ever experienced before. I wonder what horrible things are coming that we haven't thought of yet? Only you already know that.

Friday, April 17, 2020

Huh? Friday already?

 Somehow it's Friday again, boy you know that old saying is certainly true, "time flies when you're having fu... feelings of insanity". Well maybe that's not exactly what they say. I think the week went fast, I'm just no longer sure if that's a good thing or bad thing.

 I was able to connect with someone inside the nursing home where my mother is. Mom is doing fine, her illness was just a cold, she still wants to help the workers keep the place clean. I say whatever makes her happy just let her do it. I was worried to be honest because in the province where mom is, they have had a lot of nursing homes infected with the virus. In one home the workers panicked and they all suddenly quit, leaving elderly people there for days without food, water or being cleaned. The stuff of nightmares for me, fortunately where mom lives, belongs with the healthcare system so the government has a hand in it.

 I had a little guilt about something but it's gone now. I didn't see mom for about a week and a half. I was dating Mr X and feeling pretty good about life. I find the visits with mom are almost always heartbreaking or depressing so I had missed my regular visits. I remember coming home one night and thinking that this "virus" was starting to sound serious and that I had better go see mom in case they decided to do a lockdown. The next day the home went into lockdown.

 Life is funny when you are me, the one time I say to myself, "it won't hurt to miss one visit" the entire world collapses. I felt guilty for about a week or so but not anymore, that just life.. it sucks and good old Murphy's law will always kick in. Even though mom is doing well and there is no illness in the home, I'm prepared for a call telling me that COVID has entered the building. I'm prepared for all the drama that will follow.

 Today however all is well with my family, it's sunny out and I have things to do outside. I'll worry about the drama if or when it comes, it's how I cope lately.

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Seeing is believing.

  Shamefully I have said some negative things about a certain President of a certain country and that's not right considering this is politics that has nothing to do with me. Generally I feel it's because of some bad influences that I have come under (I'm looking at you Bob) while reading blogs. Also of no help, I was egged on by others, (cough, cough Dave, cough Anne Marie). I take no responsibility in my negative comments regarding this person. Now in fairness I want to give everyone an example of his effective leadership, as a realist I always feel you have to see it to believe it.

 Oh sorry, did I say effective leadership? I meant infective leader, as in an infectious pus filled boil on most of America's ass. Anyone who would vote for that incompetent twit needs to have their voting rights removed or head examined or both.

Monday, April 13, 2020

Stew Pit Cow.

 Most normal people are trying to do their best during these crazy times. Being cautious and helping to stop the spread is not only good for my own health, it's for the health of the people around me and most of all for the people that are most vulnerable. Today we heard some good news for the Ottawa area, keeping fingers crossed, it looks like it is being kept under control as best as can be hoped for.

 Of course there are always stupid people. One of my friends and I, want the stupid people caught and then branded with "dumbass" across their forehead. If in future they need help because they have the virus, effectively putting healthcare workers at risk, they get sent home and told, "good luck with that, hope the party was worth it"! Well not really, I'm not that cruel but I'm getting really upset with staying in lockdown while idiots (covidiots) still run around thinking lockdown is for other people and not them.

 An example of this came up last week. Mr X was lucky enough to be able to work from home in the beginning. Unfortunately his boss wanted everyone back in the office two weeks ago, he was really stressed about that. Everyone was worried so the staff were looking out for each other by practicing social distancing when not at work. That is except for one woman, she was telling the other workers how she had stopped hooking up with her usual boyfriends. However it was not because of the virus, it was because she had met a new "friend" on line. Day one they stayed a safe distance apart until he convinced her that she was safe holding his hand, day two he convinced her that it was safe to kiss him, (oh how romantic.. barf) day three he convinced her that it was safe to have sex with him. A total stranger... a man she knew nothing about. How dumb can you get, from day one it's easy to see the agenda here from this guy. Obviously he couldn't care less about her or her health, also who was he "holding hands" with last week, the week before or the week before that!

 The people in the office were furious, she had put them in danger, she broke the chain. She told everyone it's no big deal and stop making it seem bad. That's the way things go wrong fast. Mr X and I are not able to see each other at the moment, however now if the restrictions were to be lifted, we would have to wait 14 days because of someone being careless. The boss sent her back to her stupid kennel. Now excuse me while I get my "dumbass" brand ready, I have a job to do.

Sunday, April 12, 2020

Thoughts on Easter.

 Although I was raised Catholic, church on Sundays, altar boy etc etc, I'm no longer religious. I'm not going to make fun of someone's beliefs on this special day for them, that would be thoughtless of me. I will say this however; when you think about the story behind Easter, it's so typically human that it's sickening. A man begins going from town to town claiming he has the true message from god. He asks people to see everyone as an equal, to understand everyone has value and worth. That looking out for one another is a strength that adds to society and is not a weakness. That those in power should use that power to make life better for the people they are in charge of. That people in the religious hierarchy should be the most concerned with this goal and not concerned with worldly possessions. He gave ordinary people hope, he made them feel that someone cared... and so we twisted his words and killed him in the most horrible way possible for those times. Oh humanity, you're such a dick!

Saturday, April 11, 2020


 The stepchildren, if some day Mr X and I decide to become an official couple and shack up together, there will be bad news and good news. The bad news is that I will become a wicked stepfather, the good news is that the children, are the furry kind with wagging tails. Even better they already like me.

 The boy is a Labradoodle, the girl is a lamby-doodle, that's a poodle mix that is so cute, it looks like a baby lamb. This morning Mr X and I were sharing giggles as he sent me pics of his attempts at doggy hair trimming. My first remarks at his attempts were, "aaaah" followed closely by "O.O". I told him, all of the other doggies, will laugh and call her names, they will never let poor puppy, join in any puppy games (he got a kick out of that). By the end of the hair disaster cut, it was starting to take shape. Unfortunately the shape is not that of a dog. Going forward at least I know never to let him cut my hair.

 I like a man with a sense of humour, Mr X seems to have the best of all the guys I have been with. One of my favorite giggles I want to share is what it says on the dogs tags. He had engraved, should one of the dogs ever get lost, "my daddy is probably ugly crying right now, please call 555 5555 to reunite us". Hahaha!

Friday, April 10, 2020

You're so full of it!

 This week the whistle blower regarding Bill Clinton getting blown, died. Remember that scandal, it was like people found out the government was being run by some evil force and the whole country would fall apart. Republicans and the religious groups were beside themselves with the immorality of it! The truth is even though it was a shady thing to do, that scandal did not really affect the people personally, if the intern on her knees had of swallowed like a lady should, nobody would have been the wiser. Keep in mind that now we know when republicans say "that's disgusting", they don't mean someone blowing the president in the Oval office is disgusting, they mean that there was a democratic president getting blown in the office is disgusting.

 I try not to get too political here, especially when it's not my country but a little slurpy slurpy is nothing compared to what's gone on over the last three plus years. My poor American friends, you only had a few more months to go, it looked like you would get away without any major disasters while having no leader... then society came to an abrupt halt and you're on your own. The most upsetting thing about this however, is the thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of people who don't see it, who think everything is going great, who think granny lying dead in the living room is just part of god's plan.

Thursday, April 9, 2020

Chocolate chip oopsies!

 Well as we head into a... long weekend, I'm not sure what to call it anymore since many people are either not working or out of a job (like me). I realized this Easter was going to royally suck the big one.

 I had these plans in my head a while back, where my sister would call to invite me to Easter dinner. I would ask her if I could bring Mr X, she would say yes and we would have a nice meal together as we got to know each other. If mom was having a good day, I might even get to bring her. Of course that's all no longer possible, this virus has infiltrated and ruined every aspect of daily life. I can't leave the farm, I have no idea how mom is doing, nobody ever answers the phone and I haven't seen anyone in nearly a month. I'm going to spend Easter trapped alone here.

 I decided to treat myself, I would make homemade chocolate chip cookies. Instead of chocolate Easter eggs, these would be my treat. I had one bag of chocolate chips left so I was following my recipe carefully. I have no intention of going to a store so I must treat these like gold. I had everything prepared and began putting little blobs on the cookie tray. Just as I started I suddenly realized that I forgot to add baking soda and baking powder. The mixture was already thick, adding them in now would be almost impossible, I would probably get mouthfuls of baking soda. I decided to go ahead and try without the two ingredients.

 I baked a tray and they looked not that bad. They actually did rise without the ingredients but they didn't expand. No matter how long I left them in, they came out almost white, still they smelled good so I put in the second tray. As the first tray cooled I started to eat a couple. Oops... yuck!!! They were doughy inside and not from being undercooked, just from the chemistry of ingredients not being correct. They immediately started to give me cramps.

 I left the second tray for a much longer time, still it wasn't helping. I tried emergency measures, I added baking powder and soda to the remaining mixture. When I baked them they were a little better but still gross. The entire batch is ruined, the only thing I had left to enjoy is ruined. Well at least this is consistent with everything else.

Sunday, April 5, 2020

End of the hand shake? Hopefully!

 I was listening to a radio host and she was talking about the ways society will probably change after this pandemic. One thing she felt would happen is the end of people shaking hands as a greeting, plus also the kiss or double cheek kiss. I say yay! The only person kissing me in normal situations should be my boyfriend. Anyone else is stepping into my personal space. Mostly however I want to talk about handshakes.

 Yes ban them, it's not like we all live in the same village anymore. Also a handshake doesn't mean a thing to most people these days, we are just going through the motions of being raised to do that. People are mobile enough now that you could be shaking the hand of a doctor who just flew in from a third world country battling some terrible disease.. or at the moment, a city hospital filled with people who caught C19.

When I was a child, I was told by my parents to give a quick but firm, friendly handshake. However what I receive in return is not what I would call a warm welcome some times. My list of 5 terrible hand shakers in no particular order.

1) The "wet noodle handshake". Ugh... I hate that one. They put their hand out but when you take hold of it, there is a feeling like the person has no strength left or they have no bones in their hand! I always wonder to myself why did they bother in the first place? Also in this category, the slimy handshake, almost like they slip their hand through your hand. Like holding an eel or wet fish.

2) The, "I don't know when to let go of your hand", handshake. That's the person who shakes your hand but won't give it back. They keep talking to you and holding on to your hand, maybe even shaking it from time to time while making a point. Like they are trying to form some, back in the 1950s style bond with you. No!

3) The, "I couldn't care less about meeting you", handshake. That's the person you are introduced to who acts like they are embarrassed to meet you or that you are currently wasting their time. They look all around for something better to do than greet you.

4) The fake-out handshake, some person (almost always a man) feels that it's a real ice breaker to try and be a comedian. They put their hand out and at the last second move it around when you go to take it or they smooth their hair etc. What? Are you still twelve years old? Do you think by making a person feel awkward for some laughs they are going to like you. The first thing I think is "immature".

5) This is the worst. The, "I never wash my hands, even after going number two.. or I coughed into my hand just seconds before and even though I know you saw me, I expect you not to react" handshake. What the.. no, no, not happening. I don't care if I offend you and start a global war! I'm not shaking your hand! I think you are a selfish careless pig! Unfortunately there are many people like this (mostly men) and they are everywhere!

 I for one would not be sad to see shaking hands go out the window. It's a phony greeting now anyway and I can tell most people dislike doing it. I think it's safer to nod our heads and say, "s'up bro". Seriously though a cheerful "hello nice to meet you" is good enough, plus it would spread a lot less germs.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Say that one more time and I will...!

 I'm feeling less bleak about the future today. The reason is not that things won't be that bad, (because they will be bad), no my reason for feeling less bleak is because this is what we have been given, all the whining and moaning in the world won't change that. When I woke up this morning, the little voice in the back of my mind said, "get over yourself"! There is a way around every obstacle and I might as well focus my energy there. Also being here on the farm isolated, is the safest place in the world for me right now, plus I'm not shut in like most people, I have a lot of personal freedom that many do not.

 Yesterday I got mail, normally I get excited about getting mail but not anymore. Now I dread getting mail because I imagine it to be crawling with the virus. It's especially frustrating when it's useless junk. Usually I handle it like toxic waste, if it's not important, then it goes straight to the recycling bin outdoors. If I have to open it, I open it outside now and toss the envelope into the recycling.

 The letters I received made me a little frustrated. The first one was a pamphlet telling me to wash my hands, cough into my elbow and stay two meters (six feet) away from people.  The second letter was from my mother's nursing home, it was telling me to wash my hands, cough into my elbow and keep away from people 2 meters. Really? Like I haven't heard this before!!! Almost every letter I have received in the past three weeks has had one of these pamphlets inside, every commercial, every politician, every radio host, every news paper story, every level of government, every doctor, every health care worker, has been telling us to wash our hands!

 I don't think the people who are getting sick now, are sick because of them not washing their hands. There are still tough decisions to be made that are not being made! We are told to take this serious and I think 95% of Canadians are taking it seriously. Crack down on the 5% stupid people. Why should the rest of us suffer because they don't want to be inconvenienced. This could mostly be over in a matter of weeks except for the few that don't want to pull their weight. I'm ready to do my part but they have to as well.

 Sure keep reminding people to be cautious, that's helpful, but I feel like duct taping the next freaking person who tells me to wash my hands! If I wasn't washing them by now, I'm probably not going to wash them no matter what someone says. Mostly, stop sending me letters in the mail telling me to wash my hands (about five weeks too late)... because wouldn't it be tragically ironic if a bunch of people caught C19 from pamphlets warning them about C19!

Friday, April 3, 2020

Gut Punch!

 I knew the data was going to be scary but what we were told today was overwhelming. The province of Ontario wanted the people to have all the information so that they would understand the need for staying home, so they released the data.

 If nothing was done, the deaths would reach over 100 000 out of 13 million people in Ontario. If people do as asked that number could be lowered down to between 3000 to 15 000, that's just one province in Canada. The thing that really got me was that we will have to live like this for another two years!!!!

Quebec (where the farm actually is) has cracked down much stronger, the police don't want you leaving your town area. It feels like a police state, like some third world country, where there check points everywhere.

 This really hit me, I'm trapped here, the farm will be worthless. I may never see mom again.. it will be a while before I can see my sister. Also important, I don't know when I will be able to see my boyfriend again, our relationship won't last through this I'm afraid. All this hit me like a gut punch! I had to run outside into the cold air. I couldn't breath! In all my life, the future has never looked so bleak.

Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Wow Trump resigns!

 Wow!!! Finally some good news for a change! Life just got better. That sly old snake (apologies to snakes) he was clever enough to run now when things are getting tough! Then he will say that he was the best and things only went bad after he left (barf). I'm not sure having Pence as President is any better. The world just keeps getting more nutty and I'm sure being April first has nothing to do with this story. Well if I did trick you, at least I gave you a few happy minutes. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.