Until very recently, even just the thought of coming out to anyone would start my heart racing. I saw it as the end if someone found out I was gay. I feared the finality of coming out, once the words were out they could never be retracted, if it went badly there would be no turning back I would have to take what ever was thrown my way. I also worried about the disappearance of "me", I did not want people to see me as just a gay man but as a man, who also happens to be gay. It is important that my personality is not perceived as just a supporting role for my homosexuality. Worse was the thought that someone would view me with pity, as if I were a second class member of society. I wonder if fear of people not accepting me being gay was really me not accepting myself as being gay.
Something finally began to change for me inside, I began to feel that I wanted to tell people, that I almost needed to tell people. I wanted to be honest with my friends and let them know who I really am. A blogger friend of mine told me he thought I was brave to want to start and tell people, I told him truthfully I am not brave just really tired of pretending. I feel this whole straight guy act is about to unravel and I don't have the strength or desire to keep it up.
Another blogger buddy of mine and I were once talking about my coming out and he asked me what would be the worst possible result that I imagined from telling friends. I told him that visions of angry villagers with pitchforks and torches pounding on my door would be one that comes to mind. Seriously I began to think this over, I realized that I have been grooming my circle of friends for this moment, over the last couple of years I began to cut people out of my life that were really bigoted towards gay people and keep those who were more open minded about things. I did not set out to do this as a plan, more like I kept the people I felt more comfortable with. I don't plan to be out and loud about it, more like being selectively out, I don't feel like people at work who are not close to me need to know or some older relatives that I love deeply but being from a different generation would just never understand. However not my friends, I will not be selective with them, if they want to remain friends then I'm a package deal. I had thought of being selective with some of my friends as well, however after some thought on this I just can't see having a friendship with someone that could not be happy for me if I were to find a boyfriend, that would never invite both of us for supper or squirm if I spoke of him. I think that would be only a partial friendship and I am at a place in my life where I don't want a partial life any more.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I would not want to give the impression that I have happily accepted being gay. The opposite would be true, I have said to my two blog buddies that I feel like I am being dragged into this against my will, kicking and screaming all the way. I can't tell you the rage I feel inside when I hear comments like "gays choose that life so they deserve what they get". I certainly did not choose this but I guess it is just easier for people to remain ignorant than to learn and become informed about a subject. On the road to accepting myself I often hit a stumbling block, that would be when I am with my friends and I see them married, having kids, starting a family. I often feel left behind and I find myself mourning the loss of the straight life I will never have. I feel a sense of living in a world of "in between" where I am not part of the straight culture but I also don't really fit into the gay culture either. I often hoped if I just ignored being gay that it might go away, many nights I have spent calling out to God to take this away from me, even hinting that time was running out for me, so to start a family he had better do something quick. I have finally come to the understanding that I will not wake up one day straight. There is no cure, pill, injection and I realize now that I will not be able to move forward until I accept this. This is who I am, a gay man and I can't go on missing the man I never was.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Well here I am in blog land, I never thought the day would come when I would try this. I was encouraged by some people to get my thoughts down, suggesting that it may help me on my journey. It is always hard to start off with where I am in life so I guess the best way is to jump in. I am a gay man who has lived hidden all my life. Growing up in small town Canada I wanted to be the good son, the good friend, neighbor, clean cut and never one to rock the boat. I am on the quiet side and certainly do not like attention so for me being gay seemed out of the question. I became obsessed with keeping it hidden and nearly got away with it. What changed my view was the sudden death of a friend's brother. At 36 he was only a year younger than me and I suddenly realized I was in my mid-thirties, spiraling towards 40 and I never actually had lived yet. I was not sure how to go about - well leading a gay life. I am not one for the bar scene and to be honest the gay culture spooked me a little (a lot). All my friends are straight and I was becoming frustrated with what to do until one day I stumbled onto the blog community. It was just what I needed, a peek into the lives of other gay people. I soaked up the small details of their lives as they lived as couples or struggled with the same issues as I was wrestling with. Finally I got up the courage to email one of the bloggers and his extremely kind response was the first step on a long journey of me accepting who I really am. I still have a very long way to go and hopefully you will come along with me.