Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Goodbye Febrrrruary.

 Last day of February or Febrrruary, actually thanks to global warming the last week has been bearable. December and January were insanely cold and that plays with a person's mind a little. February was normal but everyone was waiting to be smacked down again by subzero temperatures. Luckily that didn't happen, the temperature now is similar to what we get at the end of March. I know we are not out of the woods yet, so to speak. March can be its own disaster but at least only one more month until spring starts to take shape.

 I look at the calendar and feel relief that spring is on its way, we made it through another winter but at the same time I am thinking how is this possible. It feels like three weeks ago a local radio station was excited because it was November twenty-fifth, time to start playing Christmas music, now it's been two months since Christmas already? Dr Spo reminded me of the word zenosyne, the feeling that time is speeding up as we get older. I never was a fan of winter, it always felt like winter dragged on for about two years for me, now I find myself wishing it would slow down because at this pace it will be fall again in two weeks. Well actually I won't miss February, the feeling is more along the lines of, goodbye February don't let the door hit your behind on the way out.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Fun until an eye gets poked.

 You know that old saying, friends with benefits is all fun and games until someone puts an eye out. Maybe I mixed my sayings, that doesn't sound right, I guess that would have to be some pretty wild and kinky sex. Actually I heard that a friends with benefits situation usually doesn't work. I guess there are two types, one would be friends that were comfortable enough with each other to engage in this type of relationship, the other would be meeting up with someone to start this type of relationship. I did the second, well sort of, it wasn't my intention to just meet for sex but it worked out that way, it was a lot of fun at first but soon I realized that we had nothing else in common other than having sex. The second thing that happened was he quickly fell in love with me or at least he was infatuated with me. He was a nice guy but at the same time he wasn't. He was also no where near the type of guy, personality wise, that I would date. This complicated things so I ended it, mostly because I'm not heartless, I hated the way I was making him feel.

 I heard as well, that many times when good friends become involved, one friend is usually secretly in love with the other person, they are hoping that after becoming involved the other person will return those feelings and a relationship will start. I think maybe the opposite happens, I think all the little things that keep you from loving your friend, are the little things that build over time and make you really not want to date that person. Maybe that's why a lot of guys just like one night stands or no strings attached type of sex. I would prefer to be in a relationship but if I can't have that, I could see having the complete opposite, (maybe). Not a stranger but someone that I could trust, just show up and have sex no strings attached. Maybe high five each other and go on our way, ok just kidding about the high five. Maybe that's describing a form of fwb relationship, I'm probably being brave because I am safe behind a keyboard. I don't think I could ever get into a friends with benefits relationship with someone I really liked, I know I would be the one to fall in love with the other person, I think it would be too emotionally dangerous. I am sure that it would make me wonder why that person doesn't want to date me.

 I think it would work out if everyone is on the same page, unfortunately people are not always honest with themselves let alone with a partner. I often didn't feel good about myself on my drive of shame home (lol), I would prefer not to do that again. I'm going to concentrate on a real relationship for now.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Now you see.

 Once upon a time, long long ago, when I was fourteen or fifteen, I remember talking with some of my buddies at school. The conversation was about gay men and homosexuality, like it often was, almost every day, sometimes four or five times a day. My friends were discussing how much they hated gay people, how they would like to beat or kill gay people if they could get away with it and how disgusting gay people were in general. I remember one of my friends, a friend since we were eight years old, saying that he could become friends with a murderer but he could never become friends with someone who is gay.

 Later that night, lying in bed I was really hurt by that statement. In his eyes, my buddy's eyes, I was such filth to him that in society, I was below a killer. I kept saying to myself, "if you only knew, if you only really knew me, you would see it's still just me, I'm not bad, I'm just Steve". I didn't cry, I was good by then to hide emotions like all the teen boys did. My friend was more open minded about things than the other guys, that's why I felt if only there was some way to sit him down and explain homosexuality, that he would eventually get it.

 The following year my friend transferred to another high school and we pretty much went our separate ways. I did have a lunch date with him ten years ago to catch up on what he was up to. He was in a lot of ways the same guy, it had been years since I last saw him but he was easy to talk to. He talked about how backward we were and how ignorant we were of the world. True but also I think we inherited that country politeness. He apologized for any stupid things he may have said, as did I. Our area was very white, we knew and laughed at a lot of not politically correct jokes; however we finally grew up and moved out into the world. I blogged about this meeting when it happened. Then he did something and I feel I know why. Just as I was about to leave, he kept saying, "I've really changed, I am really opened minded, you can say anything to me Steve, anything at all, I'm nothing like I was before". I am pretty sure he suddenly realized that I am gay and was trying to give me an opportunity to tell him. At the time however I was just starting to come out, I don't think I met Dan yet and most friends didn't know. What if I was wrong, I wasn't sure if he was gay positive, what if he acted shocked or laughed at me.

 This past week I decided to check up on him again. He has a business that includes high-end photography. He told me that his bread and butter is weddings. His pictures are gorgeous, they have an artistic flair to them. He tells them up front that he needs creative licence, he doesn't just get them to stand in front of the church and say cheese. His work really shows well, some sets are breathtaking. Many of the clients let him use their weddings as samples online, he wrote some beautiful paragraphs to go along with the photos. I was going through some of the pictures on line and suddenly there it was, he had photographed a gay wedding. It was beautiful, the pictures were great, the couple were very photogenic and the posts he wrote were glowing. He was saying that it was the most fun he ever had because of the sense of humor from the couple. It was so beautiful I was tempted to try and link up, but no, for personal reasons I decided not to.

 This time I cried, just a little, they were happy sniffles because I know now he has a positive view of gay people. He finally knows, he finally sees what I had hoped he one day would. I can finally tell him who I fully am, still just Steve but a little gay too. I want a gay wedding! I want a wedding like those guys, I wouldn't mind if my husband looked like either one of those cute men! The pleasant feeling that really overwhelms me, is the thought that if I do ever get married, not only will I have a soul mate, I can have my childhood friend there cheering me on. Something that I never dreamed could be possible one day.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

I'll take boring for now.

 I know as far as the gay culture goes, I am pretty boring. I know that I'm missing out on a lot. I also know that I don't contribute much of anything. Some of this is due to my personality, some due to being lazy, especially in winter, I try to put everything off until spring or summer.

 I am curious about the way other gay men lead their lives. I like to read and watch videos about aspects of the gay culture, the parts of the culture that I would never take part in. One thing I became curious about is the popularity among gay men to mix drugs and sex. I don't personally get the idea, I have heard all the reasons, I guess our head spaces are on different planets.

 I happened to watch some homemade porn videos, the guys were using different types of drugs and having sex. I watched with an open mind, I figured it was probably going to be some pretty uninhibited wild gay sex. I could see the appeal of doing something like that. After a few minutes I noticed something in most of the videos, they were boring. The odd thing was these guys were saying things like "this is wild" or " awesome" but what I really saw was a bunch of guys that were so out of it, that they couldn't get hard or couldn't stay hard, all the while saying how hot the sex was because they were too stoned to know the difference. I am not writing this as judgment, it's just me thinking, maybe this is not as fun as you think it is.

 I used to wonder if the hook up and kink lifestyles in the gay culture had something to do with the way we were treated, the way we had to hide, the way we had to live in a very homophobic world. I don't think that way any longer, the new gay generations becoming adults have just as many people on the wild side as the older generations. It's just now the marry and settle down types get to be visible as well. I also am starting to no longer think this is a gay thing, it's a guy thing. There are a lot of straight men into hooking up or bizarre sex, just they were hiding it better until the internet showed up. I think a lot of the behavior is some form of addiction, it's not healthy or maybe I am wrong, maybe that is just their personality.

 It may sound strange but I couldn't help feeling sorry for those guys in the videos, their reality wasn't real. I think they are missing out on life but they wouldn't understand what I mean. They would tell me to f... off and think I am really boring, which I am and from what I saw in some of the videos, I'm ok with that.

Friday, February 23, 2018

Context, Wrong Text!

 A friend sent me a text, "hey that lady Alana is working here". The only Alana I knew was a really strange woman we used to work with years ago, so I answered, "you mean that European woman with one giant eyebrow and she never met a bottle of deodorant that she liked"? I am not being mean, if I was being mean I would have mentioned the cleavage hair. My friend text back doing an lol and said she was trying to text her husband, it was a totally different Alana.

 This led us to joking about text and email mistakes. She often sends me texts that are meant for her husband because our numbers are close. She knows that I want a husband as well so we can openly joke about everything. I asked her to please never send me a naughty text by mistake because it would be traumatic. I should probably mention that she is Asian so as not to sound like we're racists when she text back, that if I ever get a message saying she will love me long time, to just ignore it, that it would be for hubby. She said that actually because her kids like to play on mom and dad's phones, they usually keep all messages G rated. She told me a funny story about her husband thinking of her in a very healthy way one day, he didn't know however that their eight year old daughter was home. My friend was fixing dinner and hears "mommy why is daddy sending you eggplant emoticons"? For those of you who may not know, many eggplant emoticons look like an erection, hence the double meaning. Thinking on her feet like all moms do, she said that she had asked him to try and pick up some from the store, I said good recovery. Then I went on to text that eggplant was on sale and that I really love eggplant just incase her kids see our text, then she really started to lol over me saying that I really love eggplant... because of the double meaning which I didn't think of until I already sent the text, Steven smacks forehead!

 I have to say that I try to be very careful, not because I am wise, because of a mistake I made. This made me think of a situation that happened when I first started dating my last guy. I was really angry with him and we were taking a day off from each other, I was emailing back and forth with a friend called John, I was telling John about what a total jerk my boyfriend was being and how I was going to put my foot down blah, blah, blah! I hit send and the computer informed me that my email had been successful sent to my boyfriend.... O_O ..... I did a double take, a double check and yes I had somehow sent my boyfriend the message. Later we would both laugh about it, he said he knew I was just venting and was glad to see what I was really thinking. This time it worked out but I try to never make it a next time, I don't want one of my managers to accidentally receive an email saying how much I really, really enjoy eggplant.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Strange Steve Facts.

 Many of us have strange quirks, some quirks can be seen by other people, some we hide out of embarrassment and others we just live with. I have one strange trait I want to share, it's odd but it's completely true, I am not making this up.

 It can be just a normal day and maybe I do something very ordinary like call a neighbour for something. I will call Doug but his wife answers and says that Doug just got back from his hockey game with his friend Mike, they grabbed a beer and have gone down to the stables and she says they will just stay there talking about horses for hours, that she will get him to call me when he comes back. I thank her and hang up.

 Sitting down I will start to think about what a pair of hot D.I.L.Fs Mike and Doug are, ruggedly  handsome, typical guy next door good looks. What if they were not just talking about horses, what if Doug glances out the window while taking a sip of his beer. What if upon seeing the coast is clear, he playfully pushes Mike back onto a bale of hay and says something like, "three goals tonight bud, you were hot out there on the ice, but no where near as hot as you looked in your jock when we were changing after". Doug steps closer, both guys give each other a knowing grin. Then they start to kiss and..... and.... and it starts to happen.

 Aaahhchewww! I sneeze, then again aahhhhchewwwww! Uhh, ooh, eyes watering, I shake my head, try to return to my thoughts but the taboo idea of two straight young dads having forbidden gay sex overwhelms me and again an even more powerful sneeze, ahhhCHEWWW.... blasts out with enough power to extinguish a small forest fire, I have a slight spasm and give up. What the hey is that about??? It's like some little Angel is standing around and suddenly says, "oh no you don't buster, Doug and Mike are good guys, no dirty thoughts from you"! Then I am sprinkled with magic sneezing dust until I give up. Trust me, this is even too strange for me to make up, it's like I'm having sneezegasms! There you have it, a secret that I have only shared with members of the blog community, now don't you feel privileged.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Now it's your turn.

 I am not one to admire fame, I don't look at any actor or singer as some sort of hero or god. To be honest, I almost see them in a reverse light. I get annoyed by the way some will try to interfere with the livelihoods of regular every day people. I think most become activists with good intentions but sometimes the hypocrisy gets to me. The Hollywood crowd has no problem interfering with forestry, agriculture or the energy sector (and that's not always a bad thing) but now it's their turn.

  I watched tonight how some actors are going to help students in the US possibly get a movement started to get guns under control. However it's not enough to just donate money. You can't say guns are bad, let's have a vigil then tomorrow catch me in my new movie, "Shopping Mall Massacre", my latest work where I make the audience feel justified in killing people because I am seeking vengeance for them killing my family. It's a wonderful two hour romp of nothing but shooting, killing, blood and bodies everywhere. How about hash tag hypocrite. You don't have the integrity to point fingers at politicians, when  families are watching you running around all evening with a gun shooting at everyone on your latest show. America needs to change its culture, I think it's finally seeing that. As a Canadian I have no problem pointing this out, the American sickness is coming across the borders into Canada, there is a problem with guns being smuggled into our country. Even little Ottawa is starting to have drive by shootings every three to four days, something unheard of when I was younger.

 I hope the kids run with this, maybe they can start a movement like the "Me Too" movement, look how that is gaining power. The adults have thrown up their hands so sadly the kids feel they need to take over. Suddenly the government is talking about some changes, I think the kids have frightened them, the government knows with today's social media, this could suddenly turn into a tsunami of a protest. The powers that be, may be feeling that if they look like they're taking action, the kids won't organize and this will die down, then everyone can go back to doing nothing.  I hope they see through that, I hope the protests grow, I hope something starts to change.

 The entertainment industry has to be part of the solution as well and stop pretending they have no responsibility, just as people are no longer turning a blind eye to sexual harassment, people should not see extreme violence as just another ordinary day in America. There must be better writers out there than bang, pow, boom and like the Me Too movement, people should feel embarrassed if they are associated with the gun culture.

Monday, February 19, 2018

When Dating is the Pits!

 A few weeks ago I was watching Will and Grace, I'm actually glad that show came back on, even if it's just for one or two seasons. I can gauge how far I have come from watching that show. When it started way, way back in the bad old days, I was completely disgusted with the character Jack. I would get furious with the stereotype and refused to watch the show in the beginning. Later I would evolve into a fan, realizing that the problem was not the character Jack, it was my own homophobia and my refusal to accept being gay. Today however I am all about Jack, "Just Jack" also I am a total fan of the nasty Karen Walker, those two crack me up, personally I think I'm watching Jack & Karen instead of W & G and I can't wait for those two characters to show up.

 There was a joke on Will and Grace about gay men watching This Is Us, a popular t.v. show and I confess, guilty as charged. I got hooked because it was a character driven show; however I started to notice drama, drama, drama, everyone seemed to always be crying about something. One of my friends said to me, "boy that show really turns on the water works, I don't think I'm going to watch anymore". I agree, it makes me think of the show Party of Five, I started watching that show for the cute guys and I remember my Dad saying, "do they do nothing but cry every week"?

  Time for a breather, unlike the people who create This Is Us, I don't want this blog to be a Debbie downer so I will try to mix things up. Usually if something is bothering me, I will put it down here as long as it's not too personal, then I feel better after writing. I know some were moved to tears yesterday, I just hope it wasn't because the post was so awful it made people cry. (Lol)

 Alright, time to giggle. When I joined an online site last week, I had to answer some very personal questions. One made me laugh, they asked me if I liked armpits! Armpits, I don't think I really give armpits much thought. I suppose armpits could be sexy, I certainly would like clean ones a lot more than dirty ones, although I have heard some guys are into that sort of thing. Some deodorant applied would be helpful, without it guys often get that skunk smell and I have yet to hear some man say, "mmmmm, skunk I am so turned on right now". I do remember when I started high school, some of the older guys were wearing sleeveless jerseys one spring and I could see they were growing hair. That was pretty erotic for me since my attractions are towards things masculine and they were signaling that they were definitely male. I don't however think that counts as being into armpits, I mean I don't think I would lick one or get upset because I couldn't touch one.

 My only armpit story that I can remember was something that happened when I first started dating Dan. I was staying over at his place and he had already fallen asleep. Lying there with him, I often noticed that even though he was a big man, 6'3 & 230lbs, who worked in construction type work, he never smelled. Especially after his evening shower, not a hint of a smell even hours later. Looking at him sleeping, he was lying on his back with his hands behind his head. Armpits exposed I got it in my mind to see if even they were without scent. I gently rolled over and got closer, but nothing, there was no smell. I edged a little closer, still nothing and I was really impressed, how could this be, finally I put my nose inches from his armpit and just as I was about to inhale, he opened his eyes and with a smirk said, "is there a problem here"?

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Love Is A Cactus.

 The other day I stopped in to see mom, she was in good spirits and was enjoying watching the Olympics with the other ladies. I had a short meeting with the woman who owns the place and all seemed well this week. She told me she had something for me to take home. It seems mom keeps taking her rings off and leaves them all over, almost losing them down the sink a few times. It was her engagement and wedding rings, she had a clasp made for them years ago but somehow managed to get it off. The woman explained that mom no longer asked for the rings and would not miss them. I agreed it was best for me to bring them home. I finished my visit with mom, took care of some details with the staff and headed home.

 As I was putting things away after coming home, I felt the little packet in my shirt and pulled it out to safely place in a drawer. When I saw the rings, it hit me like a ton of bricks and a wave of sadness washed over me. These rings I knew well, I saw them a million times and until this moment, I never saw them off my mother's hand before. They were sacred, never to be removed, they represented my parents promise to each other, their love for each other. Now however her illness took that meaning away, these rings hold no value to her, she didn't even notice them gone, what ever tiny fraction of love she had left for dad was finally gone. My face did that screw up thing, you know when you're going to cry but you're trying not to, my eyes filled but I stopped, I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of these "ending" moments. I placed the rings in a drawer and said goodbye to mom and dad as a couple.

 Later as I was walking through a hall I saw something that made me smile, a symbol of my dad's love for mom, a symbol that keeps on living, a symbol that people ask me about and I get to tell the story.

 One weekend my Dad had been out, I don't remember if it was Valentine's day or mother's day but that weekend was freezing cold. Not having any large stores nearby, he knew that he needed to take this opportunity to buy mom a gift. He bought her a card and beautiful bouquet of flowers but then he realized that he had no place to hide the flowers so he would have to give them to her, two days too early as he couldn't leave them outside anywhere. Mom being mom teased him about getting her card and flowers too early but was pleased and thanked him. After all he was a farmer and the earlier farmers were not known for being romantic. On the morning of the special day, when mom sat down to eat breakfast, Dad pulled out this absolutely adorable little cactus in a tiny ceramic pot. He still felt that he needed to give her something on that day and so bought the cactus when he bought the flowers, being small, he was able to hide it until that morning. We laughed so much, I liked the way Dad started to let his softer side shine as he got older. My mom loved that little cactus, she enjoyed telling that story to people when they asked about it, especially after my father died, now it's a living memory of their bond and I get to tell the story.

Friday, February 16, 2018

Will you O_O me?

  I have been experimenting with some online dating sites, nothing too heavy I'm doing a trial run. I set up a fake account first to see if it's a good site. I am finding most sites are not trust worthy. First are the free sites, they promise a free trial; however once you enter in your information, they ask you for your credit card number. There is no way I would take out a membership on a site that gets customers through deception. Then there are the ones that let you try but sell your email address to every spam company in the world. I know this because an hour or so after giving them my address, my spam box is full. If I can't trust you with my email address, what makes you think I will trust you with my credit card! There are some legitimate sites but it always seems to be the same guys over and over. I don't understand why some of them are there, it's supposed to be for long term relationships but they are dirty trolls that want to hook up with anything still breathing.

 One thing that keeps happening and it's staring to really tick me off, is the cross dressers that constantly message me. That's not my thing, total opposite. I don't judge, if that is part of who you are, it's not my business, so I try to politely let people know I'm not interested. I kindly mention it in my profiles etc, seems to have no affect, I get these pictures of guys dressed as women, in women's clothes, underwear, high heels and it's a huge turn off for me. I am attracted to all things masculine about men and absolutely, completely nothing feminine. It may sound strange but I am becoming hostile towards this, as a gay man I feel (especially in my younger days) that society has always pushed the sexual female on me. Sex sells and everything was geared towards the straight male and heterosexual people, so be it, it's just a fact, I'm ok with that. However a gay dating site is supposed to be about men, things male and homosexual sex/erotica, yes I know cross dressing is a part of the culture but I feel offended when it seems to
be forced on me in my gay world! To be honest I get the same feeling from a cross dresser as a lot of people do regarding someone dressed as a clown, a little unsettling. I want to be clear, I don't think anything is wrong with a man dressing up as a woman and I support anyone who feels the need to dress that way, just when I say no thank you, that's not my preference,  please don't keep trying to push yourself on me.

  I joined (for fun) a hook up site, I wanted to see what was up. Don't worry, I am not going to be hooking up with a bunch of strangers. I cheated lol, since I just wanted to see what was happening, I completely invented a profile. I am now a married, 6'1 well muscled, 28 years old, bisexual man who is looking to explore my attraction towards men, can you hear the dinner bell ringing? The thing that is shocking is the guys who are trying to hook up with me already, I have no pictures, I just joined, I could be an alligator that has figured out how to use a smartphone. Since it's a hook up site, the guys don't waste time, the requests are pretty direct, "just on my way home, can you O_O me"? Fill in the blanks, anything you can think of for those blank spaces, is what they want. It must do something to someone's mind, when they come home, "hi honey" and the kids are saying "daddy's home, daddy's home, and he is thinking in his mind, "I just BLANKED a guy, I can't imagine that is too healthy mentally.

  After being assaulted by vaginal art on Wednesday, I was going to declare today's post lady parts free, (sorry Lurker, no vgs allowed), after yesterday however; I have seen enough penis pics to more than make up for it!

[After being spanked by Old Lurker who felt it wrong to list as married, let me reassure readers that I did not, I felt it was disrespectful to the institution of marriage. I also don't communicate with members, it would be mean to lead them on. They just hit a bunch of profiles including mine, only I never respond back. I just wanted to check the site out first. May I also add eeeeyikes there are some really good looking men into men out there!]

Thursday, February 15, 2018

What! What the what!

 I generally try to keep an open mind about things. I respect people who are honest about their lifestyle as long as they are doing no harm to others. Sex and sexuality I find interesting, it's such a huge part of who we are, I never understand why there are so many people trying to convince us otherwise.

 I am an hour from the closest city, there is a large village halfway between the city and myself. Over the years, the village has become a very bohemian town. Lots of artists, music lovers, specialty shops, fair trade coffee, farmer's markets etc. Today I picked up a local paper and was checking out some of the upcoming events. It featured an article about an upcoming show in one of the more popular clubs. It's dubbed an erotic variety show, lots of acts regarding topics on sex and sexuality. I was interested until I realized it looks like the usual evening of women moaning about having a vagina. Yuck, ugh, ewww vaginas, there is nothing new or ground breaking about women talking about their vaginas, actually when are women not talking about their vaginas or periods or cramps or tampons, as a gay man I feel like I have been assaulted by women talking about their vaginas all my life! I probably should insert a sentence saying I love women, don't have a problem with women and will serve you loyally once you have taken back control of the earth.

 I was hoping for a little manrotica, nothing too naughty, oh wait, that's a lie, the raunchier the better. This is not the case, in fact I have a suspicion, from the looks of the steel wool hair cuts and ladies flannel shirts, some of these women also want to talk about other women's vaginas as well as their own. If you want interesting discussions, why not try to pull in more of the LGBTQ community. They are having a drag king show, DRAG KING! Are you kidding me, this is lumber and farming country, half the women already dress like they are in a drag king show!

The best however was what I read at the end of the article regarding this event. Seems that some of the erotic art exhibits will include (I am not making this up) paintings from The Squirt Project, quote "a series of paintings she does through female ejaculation"! I spit up my fair trade coffee when I read that sentence! What! Female ejaculation paintings! Lol, what the hell you freaks! Now I know you are never supposed to judge art but I'm so judging that one! Yuck, gross, vaginas and now you're telling me they can spray you like some deranged skunk? I wasn't aware that this type of behavior is an expression of art. We better call the curators of art museums everywhere because most guys sooner or later have a similar master piece on their shower wall.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Stick those red candy hearts!

What day is it today? Oh yes it's happy "You are single you loser day"! What? Too bitter? Just kidding, thousands of people will buy gifts for their partner because if they don't... it will be dog house time! I was laughing this morning because the older male radio hosts were warning younger men, that when their girlfriends say they don't really want anything for Valentine's day, IT'S... A... TRAP..! They are just testing the men, over the next few weeks, hundreds of young straight guys won't be having sex out of stupidity.

 Being single on Valentine's day sucks a little, as I said before, typical of me, I usually only notice Valentine's day "when" I'm single. From me to you, if you are single, Happy Valentine's day, I will be your blog Valentine's. There's an old saying, "money can't buy love" but that's not true, that's what lame people with no money say to make themselves feel better. Money will buy you my love, so send me ca$h, the more ca$h you send me, the more I will love you! However NOT that kind of love, the kind that the dirty boy bloggers are thinking about. Well it's not like this isn't a retail cash grab already.

 What am I doing for Valentine's day, you regretfully ask? Well my comedy episode this week should be "Mr Bean ruins Valentine's day". The hospital called this morning and asked me to prep my poor mom for a colonoscopy, so today I will have to run around getting medication and instruct the home regarding this. The stressor is mom no longer understands simple instructions and the medications will make her weak, I fear there could be an accident or she may become ill after, worries and concerns not usually associated with Valentine's day. This is a routine checkup for seniors, there hasn't been any complications, still the thought of something being wrong is a bridge I am not crossing unless I have to.

 I just realized that the drug store will probably have their chocolates on sale since most guys better have their act together by now. Maybe I should give myself a box of chocolates, they do say to love yourself first. Actually when it comes to "me" loving "me", I have noticed how easy I am. ;p

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

When I fell out of the closet.

 One mistake I think bloggers make when they quit, is they delete their blog. The loss of an interesting journey wiped away is sad. I think many will regret it one day. I had thought about doing the same thing, I am really glad I didn't. I enjoy looking back on my journey, there are a lot of things I forgot, there are a lot of laughs I forgot. Back in 2008, is the year I really started living my life as a gay man, so since January of this year, I have been looking back on each corresponding date because I want to see where I was, "life wise" ten years ago compare to today.

Seems that the ten years ago Steven was not the lame bump on a log that I am now. I was expecting to find myself whining about being gay, instead February 13, 2008 I had gone to a couple of gay bars, got hit on by a woman, (the yucky kind of woman with a vagina), witnessed some crazy ass sh#t, had a cute YOUNG guy keep trying to pick me up and I also began laying the groundwork to date this guy I had just made friends with (Dan), he would be my boyfriend by morning, man oh man did I ever have game back then! It brought back great memories, especially the awesome feeling that every man in the last bar was gay just like me, I remember finally feeling like I wasn't the only gay man in the entire world. I remember there would be guys that I just couldn't believe were gay and then suddenly they would start kissing or go out on the dance floor together. I need to change something up, I need to get some of those feelings back. I can't create links to past posts and I am also afraid of deleting them, but if you want the post was called "Gay to my core" February 13, 2008. I haven't had any fun like that in years.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Sunday sermon?

Once upon a time, there lived a man who was magic or at least he looked like a man, he was very powerful and lived in the sky. He was all knowing and everywhere at the same time. He created servants to do his bidding, even though he could do anything himself with a blink of an eye. His servants had wings like birds (even though birds didn't exist yet), so they could fly around doing good deeds. The smartest servant thought to himself one day, that since the magic man was so loving and powerful and knowing, that he would overthrow him. This (not so smart) smartest flying servant went to the other servants and told them he was forming a secret army behind the magic man's back and not to tell the magic man (who knows everything) that he was doing this. One out of every three flying servants said that the sky home was the most beautiful and loving place in existence, so for sure to count them in for war against the magic man, the very same guy that had the power to create or destroy everything in the entire universe at the blink of an eye. The not so smartest flying servant said "great, what could possibly go wrong with this plan".

I'm not here to insult anyone's beliefs, I'm questioning my own. I was raised in a religious home, we attended mass every Sunday and sometimes during the week as well. My family was part of a congregation, it was part of our life. We were religious but not pushy about it, my parents believed we needed to work on ourselves being good and not try to make others something we were not. To be honest I'm not sure what I believe anymore. I remember reading an article once about critical thinking regarding stories that are supposed to be true. The article was directed mainly at stories in the media (really fits in nicely for today) but after reading it, my little brain began poking holes in every story I read that is supposed to have some truth to it. As we get older, some of us begin to see the truth about certain beliefs.

These stories no longer make sense to me, something just doesn't add up. The older I get, the farther away from tales I get. Today I am more of an evidence based type person, this is not to say that I have a closed mind, it's just that you better have more evidence than a picture of an angel on your morning waffle. Maybe man screwed up, we always do, maybe we got the story wrong. If there is a god, (and I'm not saying there isn't, cause I don't want to upset her) maybe God is too complex for us to comprehend, so we made up something that we could understand at the time. I worry about governments that make decisions based on stories from thousands of years ago. From experience every gay person can understand that, we have always known most religions are wrong about us.

I'm not sure what the answer is or what "my" answer is, every answer is different for each person. I know many people would like to wipe religion away. I'm not one of those people, I'm very cynical of society, I'm very suspicious of people. We are still pretty much a dumb bunch of monkeys in pants. It doesn't hurt to have a majority of humans thinking there is a powerful parental figure, watching over them. It doesn't hurt to have people feel that they need to treat others the way they want to be treated. Humanity needs a herd mentality, compassion towards one person, benefits all people, otherwise it would be back to the bad old days.

Like I said, I'm not trying to criticize anyone's beliefs or offend them, I am just thinking out loud. There is some freedom in thinking we are independent in the universe but to be honest, for myself there is also sadness in thinking "this is it, this is all we are", a blip in time, monkeys in pants, floating through space on a giant rock... alone.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

I hate you BECAUSE you're beautiful.

Do you know that perfect person, maybe you work with them, maybe they are an acquaintance of yours. I work with a lot of men who fit into that category. You know, the guy with handsome good looks, could almost be a male model, women comment or glance over when he is around. Nature didn't stop there, oh no, he also is really intelligent, he is always at the top of his field and has the academic awards as proof. This however is not enough, nature just has to give these people even more gifts to make us feel inadequate. He is also perfect in whatever sport he tries, everyone wants him on their team, even if he just tried the sport for the first time that day. Just a little practice time for an hour or so and he is an expert.

Sometimes you can't help feeling a little envious but wait, no it doesn't end there, turns out he is a really good singer, bands ask him to front for them, plays an instrument better than a lot of musicians, even though he only plays every now and again to pass the time. Has the perfect family, excels at every thing he does and just when you think it can't get any worse, you realize what a great person he is. Volunteers in fundraisers, helps less fortunate children, saves every f###ing lost puppy in the world making it impossible to hate him! I do however, just a little, why some people seem to be given so much while others have to really work hard for every little inch they get. Imagine working with dozens of guys like that. There are not many women where I work but the few who are, usually again the top women have a full range of perfection.

Hey guy, I hate you "because" you're beautiful but I love you too, because you're perfect, you're beautiful inside and outside and I wish I was too. Sometimes I think the guys would be very unsettled if they knew what I was thinking. There is no malice here, don't worry about that. The opposite actually, I would like to be the ugly betty in their bi-curious orgy, well at least we know it would probably be perfect. Take for instance the other day, when sandy blonde hair with blue eyes came to tell me something after his noon workout. Standing there in his form fitting soft cotton shorts and t-shirt, with that erotic glow of sweat, running down his chest and asking me what I want to do next. I said I would like him to raise his arms, while I pull off his shirt and then strip him down in the shower, keeping his arms half raised I would then gently scrub him down from head to toe. Well actually what I said was bring me the unit and I will repair it but you know tomato, tomahto.

Friday, February 9, 2018

I will do better next time.

Valentine's day is approaching, makes me think of my first Valentine's with Dan. I never paid any attention to it in my younger years but as I was coming out, it did bother me. Society at that time almost indicated that you were worthless if you didn't have a date for Valentine's day. Dan and I had just started dating, I invited him over for supper that evening. It was actually more of a date than for Valentine's. The cute thing was, neither one of us really knew the other. I didn't know how serious his personality was or romantic or comical. I had bought him a card, just for fun actually. When he came over I started feeling stupid, I wasn't some schoolgirl giving a boy she liked a card. I took his coat and got him a drink. Then I sheepishly gave him the card, he looked puzzled. I had to remind him it was Valentine's day, he just said "oh" or something to that effect. I felt really immature at that point and wished I could go back in time. Then suddenly Dan had this silly grin on his face, went and got his coat and pulled out a card, plus a little bear sitting on a box of candy. I was happy to see were alike in our thinking and that he had that romantic playful side to him.

It's strange, I think the next year for us was big regarding Valentine's day but after that it didn't have the same meaning. I guess it's the feeling of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. When I didn't have a boyfriend, days like Valentine's were big events where I had to sit on the sidelines but when I did have someone, I didn't think they had that much importance.

Dear universe, give me another chance, let me find another sweet guy. I will try harder this time. I now see my mistakes regarding the last decent guy, I will do better, I learned my lesson. Just don't send another guy who doesn't like sex, I mean come on most guys....... well you know. I think I understand more, I think I'm more open minded, I think I'm ready. Please dear universe, my guy is out there but I find a canyon between us and I need a bridge.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

This is weird but... moo ving.

This may sound weird to you but it's part of who I am. I want a cow, nope there's no metaphor here, by "cow" I mean a cow, moo, milk, horns, flapping ears. I love cows, they are a really cool animal and very smart in their own cow way. If horses are the dog of farm animals, cows are the cat, they have that same independent thinking. Like, "stupid human, put me in the field with no grass, let me push down this gate, oh ya, green grass, that's better". Even smarter, "so you brought the cattle truck just as junior is old enough to wean, I'm just taking my calf into the forest, try to get us now motherfu...", well you get my meaning. I was encouraged by Walter's post regarding a movie about gay farmer love. Farming is something that is in the blood, I wouldn't want to start now, if I was younger and had a husband, maybe but I would want more in line with a business/farming operation.

I regret running out of time on the cow issue, it wouldn't make sense to get one now. You can't really just get one, you should have at least three. Over the last few years their value was outrageously high so I didn't want to get any, things happen and cows die, I didn't want the loss. People reading this would probably never understand, that nothing will reduce me into a sobbing idiot faster than watching the video I made of bringing our cows home for the last time to be sold. My father wanted them gone before he died, he was afraid I would get hurt. Like some sad Disney movie tugging at your heart strings, he died the next day. The thing I try to explain to people is the herd was an entity, it was living history. They were descendants of animals that I knew as a child and those animals were descendants of my grandfather's cattle and those were descendants of my great grandfather's cattle, like I said, living history. I felt I was betraying them, I was betraying our history.

I'm just trying to be odd here, not sad. I figured this must be the only gay blog with a post about wanting to get a cow. It wasn't a sad ending for the cows either, they had excellent genetics and the entire herd went to another farm, that's nine years ago now, some are still there. Yes I do also enjoy hamburgers. I think my dream would be to live in a small village, I don't have the patience for the city anymore. I want enough space for a garden, some little animals like bunnies etc and a sweet guy to share it with. One who is also a little naughty with a high sex drive, hey it's my dream so I can have what I want. Plus just imagine how excited my husband would be when he learns about my excellent milking skills.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Stuff, formerly known as "memories".

This past Saturday I was invited by a work friend to lunch. His aunt has a cottage near me and he asked me to come over. The lunch was good, the company was good, the scenery was beautiful. One of the reasons he wanted to talk is because of why he was there. His aunt, like my mother has Alzheimer's disease, unlike mom however this lady is experiencing a rapid decline. In as little as two years she went from a strong independent woman, to someone who doesn't always recognizes family and friends. I guess he just needed someone with an understanding ear.

His aunt had no children of her own and treated my friend like he was her son, as he got older he began to return the bond by watching out for her. Suddenly now he finds himself in my world, having to place her in care and take control of her finances. When I went over he was a bit down, she will no longer be returning to her beloved cottage and he was packing up some of her "stuff". I told him I completely understand the feeling, I am always doing the same thing here.

Looking over the cottage, even though I have never met this woman, I got a glimpse of her life. The walls, shelves and glass cabinets had on display favorite memories, moments and events. A clear timeline of life as well, pictures of her as a young woman, my friend as a little boy visiting his aunt to go swimming, her straightening his tie just before his wedding, her holding his first child, events to present day. Souvenirs from trips, vacations and celebrations, things that had so much meaning to her, now have no meaning at all.

I find the same thing here, one of the hardest things to do was decorate for Christmas, there are boxes of decorations from before I was born, those boxes also hold sentimental value. Yes some things my sister and I will keep but this is a large house full of stuff, accumulated over my parents lifetime. It's amazing the amount of stuff we keep. There are so many things that no longer have any worth, until you need it, then it's worth a lot. I half joke with people that I feel like I'm throwing away mom and dad every time I send things to the dump. The truth is I am throwing out memories.

It's odd but there is a feeling of sacredness to someone's house after they are gone, like all the stuff they cared about with special significance, is a personal museum to that person, maybe that's what feels obscene about having to clear it out. It's as if you are wiping away that person's time here or reducing them to a box of photos.

Such is life, no use in feeling down about it, as the saying goes "it is, what it is". I think as I get older I am seeing what life is about. It's not who ever has the most toys wins as some say, I think it's more who ever is content with the toys they have, and has the most people in their life to share them with, wins.

Friday, February 2, 2018

The Comedy Show Called, Steve.

Sometimes I tell my friends that I feel like my life is an episode of Mr Bean. If you are not familiar with him, it's slapstick with a wicked twist, played by the British actor Rowan Atkinson. It was big here in Canada back in the nineties. At first people just smile but once they get to know me, sometimes they just laugh and question, "a Mr Bean move"?

Take for instance the other day, I was in a hurry for an appointment and was in the process of scrubbing myself all clean and shiny. I went to shave and as I opened the cabinet, my toothbrush popped out. In that split second my little brain realized the falling toothbrush was heading straight for the toilet! I jumped and performed the worst juggling act on earth trying to catch the airborne object. Arms flailing because I never was too coordinated, I kept hitting it higher and higher, all with the goal of keeping it from doing an Olympic dive into the toilet. Finally I managed to catch it in the crease of my elbow against my chest. I totally froze for a second, making sure not to drop it. I firmly held the toothbrush while I closed the lid to the toilet. With a sigh of relief I placed the toothbrush safely on a shelf, when I pulled my hand away the tip of one finger caught the end of the toothbrush, sending it spinning like a dying helicopter right into the container that holds the brush to clean the toilet.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Let "them" eat cake.

Often while listening to radio or tv, someone talking about businesses will snicker and laugh at the notion of large companies trying to take advantage of the average Joe. They will go on and on about the companies being part of the community and that it makes no sense for a company to offend it's customers. In theory yes that would make sense, I don't buy that. I'm not one for conspiracy theories and I'm not some radical on the extreme left who hates all businesses. I am however a guy who knows from life experience that large companies are geared towards making money. This is not a bad thing when it's being done properly; however large companies are run by people and not all people have integrity. Companies have no emotions but people do, like greed for instance.

Over the last few weeks, consumers in Canada have been alerted to the fact that the large grocery chains have been colluding to fix the price of bread. Of all things bread! This I find disgusting because the people most affected would be people with lower incomes. They were taking advantage of consumers who may have been counting every penny, struggling to keep their family properly fed from week to week. I had been wondering why over the last few years, a loaf of bread was close to four dollars, a huge jump from just a few years ago. Shame on those stores, pro-business politicians wonder why the average person has so much mistrust of corporations, here is the answer. If it wasn't so insulting to customers, it would almost be comical. Imagine secret meetings and phone calls regarding the price of bread, maybe even a secret bread cult with candlelit meetings and hooded participants in a cave somewhere, cue the theme music for the X-Files.

Greed is one emotion, there is another emotion called fear, that would be fear of the law because in Canada this is a BIG no, no. Companies are coming forward fast and furious because the first ones to rat out the others will get away with it. They are talking about huge fines and jail time, now we have their attention. Jail with a diet of bread and water like the old days would be ironically funny.