Tuesday, April 30, 2019
I have to note that it was around the last week of April, ten years ago that we learned Dad's cancer was fatal. The rest of us already knew when the doctor told him the bad news. The surgeon told my mother and sister the previous day after the biopsy, dad was still sleeping in recovery. They had to go to Montreal for the biopsy and so I stayed at the farm. I have to check back but I think we brought him home ten years ago today. It would be the beginning of a very different life for me, nothing was ever the same after that week.
I thought of following along with the blog posts from back then as a sad anniversary of some sort. Dad's illness and death changed me and my way of thinking since that time. I decided against the idea of reliving those emotions, honestly who needs that drama, I have enough on my plate and there is certainly enough health drama with mom having dementia. Adding in more sadness isn't helpful. It's a little scary to me how often I said to people that time seemed to fly by and the next thing I know it will be ten years since his dying. In two months the ten years will have arrived.
Some days just seem to be too much, no matter how much I try to keep things in order, to make life simple, there just seem to be scores of people who work tirelessly to mess things up. Once messed up, the situation takes on a life of its own and then days are spent trying to turn things around. Once things are about to fall back into line, some good Samaritan comes along and decides to "help" by typing in the original mistake or pressing the wrong button again. Then people are surprised by your irritability! Snartblaster fubbergunts!
Monday, April 29, 2019
Saturday, April 27, 2019
I was heading home one evening and soon became stuck in traffic. The scenery was beautiful however, I was sitting on a small parkway beside the Ottawa river, waiting to cross the bridge. The evening was warm and sunny, allowing me to roll down the window and hang my arm out while waiting. Something caught my attention on the opposite side of the road. Two young guys were walking along the bike path and they were... (gasp) holding hands!
There they were, ambling along hand in hand, clearly they were a couple and you could see the affection between them. They were very ordinary looking guys, good looking but just the guy next door type, if they weren't holding hands, there was nothing that would say to me, "those guys are family".
Sitting there watching them, I was a little envious of their PDA without hesitation, plus completely envious of the generation they get to grow up in. As they approach the light I saw something that was "nothing" but it was the most beautiful moment of "nothing". It was the way people around them acted or more precisely, didn't act. Nobody did a double take at two men holding hands, nobody pointed a finger or whispered into a friend's ear. There was a young woman jogging in-place waiting at the light, she just looked at her watch, a guy walking his golden retriever started talking to it while waiting for the light to change, a group of people kept up with their deep discussion over some topic. There were no sideways glances, rolling eyes back or shaking their heads, the male couple just blended with the group as they stood there waiting for the light to change.
I remember feeling giddy and thinking society has arrived. Even the people in the cars around me, nobody paid attention, they were mostly trying to sneak in some texts before the light changed. Makes me wonder at what point in time it became ok for a gay couple to walk hand in hand with each other in this city. At what point did that stop being an assault on society and become what it really is, two guys who love each other holding hands. The light changed and I drove off smiling.
Thursday, April 25, 2019
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
The Universe is against me, it conspires to make my life equal to one of those comedy skits, where a character, usually played by someone like Carol Burnett, has everything go wrong that can go wrong. I have blogged before that my life is like a Mr Bean episode.
Yesterday I received a call from the accountant doing my mom's taxes, it seems that I am missing some important documents, the government supposedly sent them but will not release the information to the accountant. I would have to jump through hoops to have them reissued and it could take months.
Last night I couldn't sleep, I was upset because I knew that I never received those letters. Mom generates a lot of paper work, to help make it easier for me, I keep a large folder and everything tax wise goes into that folder, I know that I wouldn't put them anywhere else. Still just in case, I pulled apart the house... then the car and still nothing, which is the result I expected. I called her old nursing home and they search but didn't receive anything either. I woke up at three this morning trying to find something that I knew wouldn't be there.
I decided to try one last idea, I remembered during the winter a bad wind that opened the mail box and blew some mail out. I went down to the road and looked in the wet muddy ditch, the snow had melted away and there were the letters plus some others! At some point they must have blown out of the box and the snow plow shoved them into the ditch. Further to my point of the universe being out to get me, all the letters were important, taxes, bank statements, investment statements, there were no letters asking me to buy a new phone or join some club I have no interest in or other junk mail.
Of all the letters to get lost, these are the ones that got lost. They have probably been there since the end of February or beginning of March buried under the snow, my only lucky part of this is they could have blown out into the fields or into the forest and be lost forever. Still ffffffk!
Monday, April 22, 2019
Spring renewal, by the end of last week, winter looked like it still had a firm grip on the seasons here. There was still lots of snow and I couldn't even imagine what a spring day would look like.
However it's been an Easter miracle, by Sunday evening, the warm weather and rains had washed away most of the snow.
The fields are clear, there is some snow in the bush but it will go soon. Spring has arrived, there are all sorts of birds around that are singing. Including the gravy bird, it's a little bird that I don't know the actual name of... but it caused laughter when I named it that as a child. My family agreed with me at the time, if you listen to its call, it sounds like the bird is saying, "gravy, gravee, gravy". It was 20° Celsius outside in the city this evening. I had to drive home with the windows partly down, I no longer have to wear boots and I stopped wearing long underwear last week. Winter has ended... whew!!!
Sunday, April 21, 2019
Was cleaning the bathroom this morning and the handle of the toilet brush snapped off. The only thing worse than the handle snapping off... is where I have to get the brush part out of. Ewwww!
Finally got through to my sister, I have been leaving phone messages and emails trying to see what she is doing for Easter... today! She said that she is not having a meal. Thanks for letting me know. At least she is going over to see mom. I won't be going today as she is in the city now, far from me. I will go tomorrow. Family can be weird, if my sister did have a meal and I didn't go... she would be so angry with me. I just want info people, is that so hard. Ok so laundry it is then!
Hoppy Easter, yes I went there, sorry that joke is not very bunny. Yesterday there was an Easter market near me, they hold it twice a year, once just before Christmas and again before Easter. Of course I forgot my phone, so no pictures. There were a lot of people shopping there but unfortunately not many vendors. I go for the home baked foods and farm raised meats etc. The snow finally has been melting but with days of heavy rains, the roads are muddy and driving is terrible. I think the vendors probably thought it would be a poor turn out. It's too bad they didn't support it because they will lose the market. It was populated mostly with people selling over priced photos, hand crafted ugly jewelry and hats. All things you can find at any market without driving for miles out into the country.
I'm not sure what I will be doing today. I no longer take part in anything religious. For the first time ever, we will not be celebrating Easter together. Mom has become so feeble that I didn't feel I could take her out to my sister's place. At the same time she has been going downhill fast, she no longer is aware of her surroundings and makes no sense when you talk to her. I kept asking my sister what she wants to do Easter dinner wise and I got no response, that's not unusual. If I end up driving to the city, I will stop by and see mom, otherwise it will just be a regular laundry day for me.
It's important to note that a balanced diet on this day means you have to have a chocolate Easter egg in each hand.
Saturday, April 20, 2019
Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face"?
Was that mean? She's a millionaire, what does she care what I say, that totally cracked me up when I first heard that. I should mention that I saw her in concert and she shook my hand which was a life moment for me.
A guy walks into a bar and says, "ow that frigging hurt"!
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar, followed by a duck, a goat and a gorilla, plus an American, a British man and a French man. The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
Got any more?
Friday, April 19, 2019
Yesterday was a warm day, fffinally! I knew that today would be a holiday so I decided that I wanted to go out to eat last night, knowing I wouldn't have to worry about getting up early. I called James and asked if he wanted to meet up for dinner, he said yes and we met at a restaurant near his place. I feel that I spend too much time communicating with online friends and not enough time with an actual friend. I like James, as I have said, he has his quirks but is a decent man, plus this may be shocking to many of you... I have my own quirks as well. Some people might be put off by his bluntness but I appreciate it, even if he says something that I don't like, I know it's from his factual personality and not from trying to be mean. I like the honesty, it makes me feel comfortable around him.
At the restaurant, I was getting out of my car and saw him walking up with a big smile on his face. He looked.... good? Really good actually and for the first time ever, I felt a stirring towards him. We sat down and conversation was easy with him. I think the constant emailing really helps because we already have that background of knowledge between ourselves.
I was sitting there thinking to myself, I wonder what it would be like to have sex with this man, that we probably will have sex some day, we have discussed it, he understands that we are just friends, again he is very factual about sex, almost comical to most people but it's actually a huge turn on for me because I know he means what he says in practical terms, also refreshing from the stupid things most men have said to me online. James is tall, about six one or two, ooow I like tall guys, again standing in the parking lot I felt a spark while talking to him, he is slender and the good kind of hairy, I like that as well. I had visions of what could happen. I want to meet up a few times and maybe if all is well, we could plan a day trip away together and try out this gay sex thing people keep talking about.
My only negative take away was when he ate, he kind of made a huge mess of himself and it turned me off, as in really off, I couldn't watch him eating. I suddenly felt like I was in an old Ally McBeal episode. If you are not familiar with that show, she might go on a date with a guy and he may seem perfect for her until he would eat and have food on his face. Then in her mind she would see him as having his entire face smeared with salad dressing or something to that effect. I saw people looking at him and a waiter had to rescue him, it annoyed me greatly. I know that is one of my quirks, I don't like attention and I certainly don't want to draw "unwanted" attention. He was embarrassed and I downplayed the moment. Next time I will keep him out of embarrassing situations, it's what I need to do as his friend.
It was getting dark and so I had to go, I felt a little bad about that but later I was thankful as a fog rolled in on my way home like I never saw before. There were times when I was crawling along in the car because I couldn't tell where I was, it was unbelievable. When I got home, James had sent me an email, thanking me for inviting him out and wishing me a good weekend. The normal thing for a friend to do! That's one of the things I admire about him, none of the games that the other guys play, what's wrong with communication between friends!
Have a good weekend everyone!
Monday, April 15, 2019
Last night after writing the post Sunday about not misleading myself, I decided to cut ties with a bunch of people. With Tyler never talking to me unless I talk to him, Adam with his ever changing stories or a couple of other guys that seem nice but also have issues, I decided enough was enough and so I cut ties with them. Goodbye, you missed out on having a good friend and boyfriend.
Except for James, I didn't cut ties with James, he is quirky but at least he is authentic and a really nice guy. I never have to second guess his meaning behind something, I never worry that he is not being truthful with me. I will have to set boundaries between us, mostly because I want to protect him. We will have to talk it out just to be sure we are both on the same page.
Tyler and Adam both had my cell number, they may have lost it but that just shows how uninterested they were in me. Adam may try to call me, I know that Tyler will not.
I was saying to another blog writer who is going through the same garbage regarding trying to meet people, we will never meet quality guys on line, there has to be a better way than this, we deserve better... because we're awesome!
Sunday, April 14, 2019
The drive into work is a long one for me and some days it's a time to reflect. A few days ago while driving in, the host said she wanted to play "an oldie" it was a song from my youth, it came out around the time of the last woolly mammoth dying [sarcasm] grrr. Anyway it was "Listen to your heart", by Roxxette. As I was driving that little voice we all have was trying to point something out to me, I hate that because that little voice is usually correct.
The "voice" was pointing out that I'm not listening to my heart, I'm trying to be practical and unfortunately that never works out. I was comparing two guys in my head that I talk with often and have met. One is my nerdy friend, let's call him James, the other is my slightly workaholic friend, let's call him Tyler (because he has one of those trendy names I like).
James is the guy that clearly likes me, I know that I could email him right now and ask if we could try being boyfriends and he would email back excitedly and say yes. Unfortunately I don't feel any attraction towards him. Some days I think about giving a relationship a try. That day in the car however it was pointed out to me how stupid my way of thinking was. I communicate with James all the time but we haven't met since last fall, probably end of August or September. I could meet with him after work but I always have an excuse. I was thinking about when I first met Dan, I would climb over mountains to be with him. I would drive for an hour just to have dinner with him, I would reschedule, postpone, skip out of any appointment just to arrange for us to be together. The reason is clear, I wanted to be with him, compare that to not meeting James for the last seven or eight months... who am I kidding.
Then there is Tyler, we had been communicating for days and he was really interested in meeting me. He was even driving the "meeting up" as much as I was. However after we met, he has never asked to meet again. I usually do the asking, his signal is clear to me but I want to keep him as a friend. He is never cold towards me or unfriendly, he seems willing to go out and have lunch etc but he never expresses an interest in me as a boyfriend. Unfortunately for me... Tyler is the one that I want, he pushes all my buttons, I feel like I'm in a fog when dealing with him.
Again the point is made clear to me when I think what would happen if Tyler suddenly emailed me saying something like, "want to meet for dinner"? I would drop what I'm doing right now and start getting ready. If he emailed me and said, "Steve lately you are always on my mind, I feel empty when you are not around". I would be giddy with excitement, I would probably be blogging like crazy, sharing the details of the first cute and awkward moments as we first start to get to know each other. Snap back to reality, sometimes James tries to say those same things to me... and I shut him down every time. I really like James, I don't want to hurt him but shutting him down was the right thing to do, it's clear to me that I have been deceiving myself, I have not been listening to my heart.
Saturday, April 13, 2019
Have you ever witnessed something that happened and you know that it's not funny but at the same time it's a little funny. You are not laughing at the people, you are laughing at the irony of the situation.
I read something this morning that is tragic... but it made me think of those uncomfortable moments where your inner voice, is scolding you not to see any dark humour in the situation. I won't mention the gentleman's name but apparently a comedian lay down on stage and the audience giggled and laughed for a few minutes... before someone finally realized he had died! Horrible; however I could see myself being part of that audience, thinking it was all just part of his act.
A while ago I saw something that wasn't tragic but slightly awful at a large complex that employs hundreds of people near where I work. This complex is large enough that it has two lanes of traffic entering and two lanes of traffic exiting. Also there are four lanes of traffic that merge into the two lanes entering, two from the north and two from the south. One morning as I passed by, there was a huge commotion, police cars, ambulances and even fire trucks on standby. It appeared that some people must have been overzealous trying to get into work that day and didn't wait for their turn entering the complex. I am not sure what happened but I think the rest of the drivers must have panicked and hit the gas instead of the breaks. The entry lanes were plugged solid with cars crashed into each other.
Fortunately no one was hurt, they would have been going at a slower speed, more like a giant fender bender than like a highway pileup. Now you are probably asking how can I see any amusement or irony in something like this, well without tempting fate to bite me on the butt and also to be clear, I really felt bad for everyone involved... it's just that I can't help remarking that the complex employs people for one of our police forces!
Thursday, April 11, 2019
I have been pretty lucky that I get to work with a lot of cool people. There are a few that can ruin your day but often I don't work with them. A few months back I was working in a department and they formed a small team. Some people were hired in from outside of work and interestingly enough, I have work with some of them before. Everyone gelled together and work was actually enjoyable. That is until...
I heard one day they hired a new woman and upon hearing the news, the other women in the group became concerned. They warned me that the lady causes trouble. Having never worked with her, I ignored the whispers and treated her like the others. Sometimes having an open mind and giving off a friendly welcoming atmosphere can work wonders... but not in this case... what a trouble making b...
She is also a major butt kisser, I can't stand that. Her and I get along because she thinks she has me fooled with her sucking up; however if you've been mean to "my ladies", you're never going to see it coming girlfriend! Lol, I have street cred".
She is one of those people who has to constantly make negative comments. She is always causing hurt feelings, she sucks the joy out of the room. I don't understand why someone wants to be like that, why not enjoy yourself instead of being miserable. She doesn't understand that no matter how much you brag about yourself, it's much less likely that you are going to be asked back when you can't work with others. People at the top are busy, they have their own issues, they don't want distractions at work, when you make yourself a distraction, you haven't made yourself look important, you made yourself an issue that will get "handled".
There always has to be one in every bunch, that "fly in the ointment", that one person who has to cause drama.
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
I give up, this morning winter came back with a vengeance. I was listening to the news regarding many accidents on the roads. It seems that the amount of snow was increased with a day filled also by freezing rain and ice pellets. I am so tired of driving in this winter, with white knuckles from squeezing the steering wheel half to death, because of slippery conditions.
I was thinking about my trainee, she lives close by and probably would make it in. Then I thought to heck with that, not my problem. I let the company know that I'm not coming. I'm sick of winter, I'm sick of commuting in winter, hopefully this is the last major storm. It's supposed to be like this all day. I'm taking a stand, I'm protesting winter, not going to be a part of it today... so suck it winter, I'm sick of you!
Anyway, lots of stuff to get caught up on. Like taxes, ewww I hate doing taxes, hmm maybe I could still make it to work. Nahh, just kidding.
Monday, April 8, 2019
It's bad enough that it's a Monday but when you start the day by opening your eyes and wondering to yourself, "why is the sun already shining"? Slept right through my alarm. First sentence of the day, "ugh fffbleep", nothing to ruin a day by going into work late. All the way there, listening to reports of buses being cancelled because of the freezing rain, luckily I didn't experience much of that. Anxiety over potentially crashing, as good as a cup of coffee.
Then when I get in to work, people are waiting for me, never a good sign. My new partner in crime that I have spent weeks training, has been taken away from me, another department needed her immediately and I was given a new person, a new very green young person that has never worked in my type of environment before. Here Steven, good luck!
I will now spend weeks training her, my work will suffer, my department schedule will suffer and... I HATE F*ing training! HATE IT! Makes me want to quit and email a big "STICK IT" to the person that felt this was okay to do. Anyway Tuesday is coming up in a few hours, will it be better, just heard the news, snow tomorrow... and could be lots of it in some areas. I need a drink.
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Last summer, I remember coming home from work one day and it was gorgeous outside. It was still early summer, the sun was shining but not too hot, a fresh breeze gently blowing and I decided to mow the lawn. I remember as I was about half finished, I started thinking about the huge difference between our seasons. Here I was, mowing the lawn at eight o'clock in the evening. It's still basically day time, the sun isn't even thinking about setting yet, it's warm out, everything is green and growing, there are birds, bugs and little animals everywhere, life is in full gear and the chattering tells you there is even more than you see.
Compare that to only a few months later, sitting on the lawnmower on that sunny summer day, it's almost unbelievable that in a couple of months everything will change so drastically. There will be no leaves on the trees, no grass growing, everything is covered in snow and ice. Eight o'clock is basically night time now, you would be sitting in total darkness if you were out on a mower, as the sun would have set hours ago. There will be no signs of life, no chattering or singing, only eerie silence, made worse by a bone chilling wind rubbing branches together or the cold causing a twig to snap . The world appears dead, lifeless.
Fast forward from that summer day, to an evening last fall, it was the grey days of late fall and neighbours had invited me over for supper, sitting around after... talking over cups of tea and apple crumble, I remarked my moment on the lawn mower, compared to that fall day. The couple agreed, the husband said he often noticed the same thing, he said winter is almost like being on an alien planet, that it's hard to believe we are in the place. I thought that was the best description of how I was feeling. Sometimes when fall arrives, I feel it's like a long journey I have to make and the older I get, the more daunting the journey appears to me.
Here I am however, spring is coming, I made it through, time to start the engines and soon return home to earth, with flowers and trees, birds, little beasties and bees, lawns to mow, gardens to grow and all the summer goodness planet earth has.
Saturday, April 6, 2019
My neighbours stopped by for something to eat, they are a bunch of turkeys... literally! One of the perks of living in the country, or at least this time of year, later on when people are trying to grow gardens or crops they become a pest, a very large pest. This time of year however it's nice to see some signs of life. The snow has been so deep this winter that most wildlife moved out of my area, some animals are returning but it's still quite deep with snow in most places, this morning the birds were here picking around the buildings trying to get food. Below you see my fields, usually at this time of year the fields would be 80% clear of snow, very far from that as you can see.
Finally, I would just like to add that the other night I was enjoying fresh made springrolls, I just needed to heat them up in the oven and savor their crispy goodness, it's what happens when you have Asian friends that worry about you. :)
Friday, April 5, 2019
Friday morning again, getting ready for work.. blah... but it pays the bills so what can I do. Now as I get older... I am of two minds about the day, one is relief that the work week is finished but the other feeling I have now is haunting... because Fridays seem to be coming faster and faster, meaning each Friday is another week closer to THE END!
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
Nothing's on tonight... or tomorrow night or the next. At some point a few months back, I stopped watching tv. It wasn't a choice I made on purpose, I didn't come home one night and declare that I was never watching tv again. I didn't feel that I was wasting my time and needed to replace those hours by reading instead. Nope, it was the simple fact that I feel disappointed every time I turn the tv on. I find almost every show is predictable and a letdown. I find that I'm bored watching and wonder about the people who got paid to write the garbage. After awhile it's like being in a trance, it becomes easy to just lie there and watch something even though you know it's garbage.
I became fed up and stopped watching one night, I don't really miss it either. I have the internet and that's enough entertainment.
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
I'm often envious the way most straight guys can keep their emotions in check. Yes I know many of you will hate me saying this but my gay friends almost always cry in front of me sooner or later, while most of my straight male friends have never cried in front of me, even friends I have had since elementary school.
On Saturday while at the funeral of my neighbour, I couldn't help watch how people reacted. Human nature interests me. The daughters and granddaughters were all in tears at the loss of this sweet lady, while the sons and grandsons were stoic.
One of the sons I had become good friends with in my twenties. He is a likeable guy, my parents thought the world of him, a thoughtful, very trust worthy, decent man. Of all the children, he was probably the closest to his mother, I wondered about him and how he "really" felt inside. Yet he remained strong throughout the funeral.
The mass came to an end and the coffin was carried to the back of the church. I knew this is the time, "the final moment" when a man's nerves of steel will bend, crack, maybe even break and the boy inside will appear. As they paused and the funeral directors were about to take away the coffin, I saw my friend suddenly look up in anguish, tears coming down, his brother losing control as well. It's the final moment, when you have to say goodbye forever to someone you loved. In that moment he is not an emotionless man, he's a son saying goodbye to his mother one last time and that can be a very powerful emotion. I found myself feeling deeply saddened but also honored to have witnessed this moment.
Monday, April 1, 2019
Last night a friend of mine called and asked since it was nice out, if I wanted to snowshoe in the moonlight. He is a straight guy, tall, dark hair, very handsome in my mind, athletic type, I was actually a little worried about being able to keep up.
We were on top of a small hill, overlooking the snow covered fields, which had a beautiful silver glow because of the moon. Then he suddenly turned towards me and out of the blue asked me, "Steve are you gay"? I was really startled by that, so sudden and unexpected. I figured it's a perfect moment so I answered yes. He looked concerned and put his hand on my shoulder and asked, "awww bud, were you scared to tell me"? I told him yes and no. He felt really bad that I couldn't tell him, for a second I thought he was about to cry, he started saying, "awe no bud, you could tell me, you could tell me" then I am not sure what happened but suddenly he grabbed the front of my jacket and pulled me in for the most erotic, warm, soft, loving kiss that I ever experienced in my life.
I don't remember walking back to his house but the next thing I remember was that we were rapidly helping each other undress in his bedroom, his body was hot, I couldn't stop running my hands up and down it, he smelled so good to me, we were kissing like crazy and I don't want to go into too many intimate details but he gently held my face to his and said, "Steve, are your readers ever going to be mad when they realize that you are playing a joke on them for this special day"!!!