Saturday, February 16, 2019

Feeling Resentful.


 When I was younger I often didn't get involved in most activities around this area. I didn't hang out with "the crowd" I didn't play on any sports teams. The results are that I still don't get invited to most parties or fun activities to this day. I'm ok with that, I'm not a kid anymore, they just don't think of me when planning an event, it's not an exclusion on purpose. Plus I have some good friends around here and I enjoy my time with them. All is good, that is until...

 What does really bother me is when there is a really crappy job to be done... I'm the first person they think of, "Let's get Steve to help". There are not a lot of younger people around but the ones who are, don't have much community spirit, they don't volunteer for anything that doesn't benefit them personally. I got a message last night, "we are shoveling the snow off the church roof, we need you to be there for ten". I'm not twenty five anymore, I don't go to church and yet I'm expected to climb onto a slippery tin roof and shovel off snow, literally almost up to my waist. I try to avoid shoveling as much as possible here. They could have hired someone, it would be safer. I was too nice, I usually wouldn't say no but I have to think of myself these days.

 The same with other requests I get. I don't mind looking after friends places when they go away but if I haven't heard from someone in years and suddenly I get a call asking me to look after their place while they go south, are you kidding me? If sports teams use a facility and I'm asked to help clean it up... oh I see how it is, even though they are strong and healthy, they are too good to get their hands dirty or maybe that's not fun so we will ask Steve instead. Seriously, if people want the opportunity to use a church, park or whatever, they have to learn to support it. I can understand some of the problems, most people around here are my age or older, people stopped having children and what few kids there are, immediately go to the city when they are old enough. I am however not some misfit that you call only when there is unpleasant jobs to do, it's insulting. Well I have a new hobby and that is inventing new ways to say no!

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Hmm, that grass looks greener!


 One of the quirks of my personality is I often feel that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Having been around cows, I understand that statement better than most lol.   Today was Valentine's day and one of the things that drives me crazy about the day is that when I'm single, the day means a lot to me. I feel left out of the holiday, I am envious of all the happy couples who have celebrated this day with love and romance. When I am dating someone however; I ignore the day and think it's a gimmick to sell flowers, gifts and evenings out at a restaurant. It's nothing special, just another day. I'm such a dork.

 My favorite Valentine's day was my first with Dan, he came over to my apartment and I made him supper. I remember feeling a little nervous about giving him a card, I wasn't sure if he would think I was immature or worse... being too clingy, too fast. I remember after I gave him my card, he had this smirk on his face, went to my hall closet, pulled a card and a little bear from his jacket and handed them to me.

 Maybe if I make a promise to Cupid that from now on I will try to keep Valentine's day, he will draw his bow and send me my true love. If he even does that anymore, maybe he just swipes right.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Back around again.


 Today is a snow day so I'm home from work, I have never seen it snow so much... so fast. The next person who says the climate is not changing, will get a snowball to the head. The levels of snow and the size of drifts this morning are beyond belief. It seems like every second week we are breaking some bizarre record.

 I was visiting with friends on Sunday and one asked how are things going, she knows all my issues and so it wasn't a general, "how are things" where I am supposed to be polite and just say fine. I just shrugged my shoulders and said it's the same crap over and over and over. I told her the same issues that I complained about a year ago have all come back, as they did the year before that and the year before that. It seems that I tackle each one and eventually everything is finally settled, when all of a sudden, a law changes, companies change or something else changes and everything falls apart and I am back to square one.

 One of the things weighing heavily on me now is the nursing home where mom stays has decided to close, they gave me six months to move her. I had a chance to move her last fall but left her there because she is happy and they never told me they are closing until after I turned the other place down. Mom has a social worker that helps us navigate through the system and is helping me place her. Unfortunately the place we like most has a huge waiting list, we can place her in another home until the one we want has a spot open.

 It was hard the day I left mom where she is now, one of the hardest things I ever did. I knew it was for her own good but I felt partly like I was abandoning her and also partly like she had died, her body was still alive but by placing her I was admitting to myself that "mom" was gone. Now I have to do that all over again and this time maybe twice. I am one of those people who can't let things go, this is stressing me out (plus many other problems), I feel this is going to shorten my life.

 My aunt called me for a shoulder to lean on, she is married to my mom's younger brother, unfortunately he also has dementia and is almost at the same level as mom. She is trying to care for him while waiting for a spot to open as well. I can hear the stress in her voice. I felt so horrible when she said that by placing him, she feels that she is abandoning him, she cried a little. I'm pretty blunt and told her the truth, that it will feel awful but once the dust settles, she will see it was for the best. I told her to make sure her daughter is with her to make it easier. Then she said something that people in our situation will understand immediately, there is a saying that "alzheimer's or dementia in a person, is the longest funeral a family has to attend".

Monday, February 11, 2019

Gays in snow.


  I didn't get the memo but apparently there was a winter gay pride parade on the weekend. Naturally there wasn't as big of a crowd, since it was freezing with a nasty wind chill factor. People had to trade in their feather boas for knitted scarves. That's an interesting idea, I will have to google to see if it was the first winter pride parade ever held. Wouldn't that be fun to take part in, can't you just see a big fabulously dressed drag Queen with snowshoes on and a large fake icicle on the end of her nose, hmm maybe a costume idea for next year... not.

 Unfortunately the news said that there was also a protest against pride. I was surprised that something like that happened in Ottawa. It's unsettling that people hate us so much that they would take the time and effort, to go out on a freezing cold day to heckle us. Their hate was drowned out by people chanting, "love, is love, is love". I was furious when I heard this. I wanted to find out who organized the idiots, that protest just didn't "happen". As usual the media was trying to make a mountain from a mole hill, turns out it was only eight people. What the heck are they protesting anyway, do they think we are going to turn straight? That is like me waiting for one of them to become intelligent.

 All the feelings of being upset were washed away this evening with a story about a goalie in the NHL who has amongst other things, a rainbow flag painted on his goalie mask. He did it to show support for gay friends and to help gay people feel welcome to the sport of hockey. Tonight or tomorrow night, the local team (Ottawa Senators) are having a pride night at the game, to make gay fans feel welcome. Now I know what you are all thinking... "gay people don't watch hockey"? You are forgetting the thousands and thousands of Canadian and American lesbians who love the game and could check your judgemental butt right through the boards. Joking aside, there are a lot of gay and bisexual men who watch it religiously as well. A huge majority of the players in the NHL are actually very open, friendly, decent people. The players are always helping out with children's hospitals, mental health, sports equipment for low income families etc, so I am not surprised. I'm just waiting for the invitation to the showers after and then I'm in for sure!

Sunday, February 10, 2019

Times, they are a changing!


 I was reading about a beautiful home for sale and one of the features advertised was a sex dungeon. Yes, you read that correctly. It seems a married couple had a great sex life together, the wife passed away and the husband doesn't want to live there anymore. He is not embarrassed and doesn't want to hide what they were up to, I guess it's his way of honouring the memories he and his wife made. Neighbors are starting to realize why the couple's answering machine, constantly said they can't come to the phone right now because they are tied up. You have the option of removing the "equipment" or leaving it there. A sex dungeon sounds like fun, it would be a great conversation piece during Christmas holidays if you have family staying over. I'm sure you could get safety features if grandma and grandpa wanted to try it out. I would however want all new equipment, using the existing slings, cuffs, whips and nipple clamps, would be to me, like wearing someone else's dirty underwear. The couple apparently had grown children, they tried to reach them for comment but their therapy facilities said they were in the middle of a session.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

About the "T" in LGBTQ.


 Regarding the person who is transgender at work, I understand now that some of the "buzz" was created by the human resources department sending out an email. In it, the department stated why the person was away in order to prepare everyone for the change. This way there would be no startled looks, no stupid questions, we would address the person by a new name, make them feel at ease and move on. I think happily most people see it as an opportunity to show how inclusive they can be. Some are a little uncomfortable because they are not sure what to say or if something is even required to be said. I see this being a non issue within another week.

 The surprise for me was that it's not the person I suspected. There is a person in the offices that makes me feel like they are somewhere on the scale. It was however one of the engineers, I was really surprised and didn't see this coming. I guess I'm not as LGBTQ savvy as I would like to think I am. I don't know this person so I feel it would seem patronizing to go and say something to them but at the same time I wonder if it would help to know they have me firmly in their corner. Her coworkers are clearly on her side so I think the best thing to do is let things run their normal day to day routine. I certainly feel she is "home", as a man she looked scruffy and slightly unhealthy, as a woman she looks like she is where she belongs.

 The other night the person from the offices happened to come down in my area. I always saw "her" as a woman, I was thinking she looks like many of my lesbian friends. She has a lot of masculine traits, a woman but with some boy-ish features. While in my area she... walked into the men's bathroom. That really surprised me, now I'm totally curious just for the sake of being curious, is this person a guy that looks like a woman, a gay man embracing his feminine side or female to male transgender person. I think it's so fantastic that this is just part of the new normal, what I like the most about it is everyone seems to be "meh who cares", which is how it always should have been.

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Man turn offs.


 The buzz this week is over a certain singer who sang with his shirt off during the halftime show at the big football thingy last Sunday. I don't care about his nipples, I was grossed out by the walking tattoo nightmare that he has become. I liked Maroon5 twenty years ago and probably wouldn't mind seeing him shirtless back then but now it made me think of that relative that eats at the table during family gatherings with their shirt off, making everyone feel uncomfortable.

  I was thinking about the top five man turn offs for me. Things that immediately deflate a boner like one of Tom Brady's balls.
 1) Tattoos all over a guy, especially face and neck. Makes a guy look dirty to me. One or two can be hot but more than that is a turn off for me.
 2) "Woman butt", sometimes I see a really cute guy walking towards me, then I notice that he has the thighs and a butt like a woman does. It's game over for me when I see that.
 3) Long hair, especially long hair with a man bun. That shuts off the attraction button for me.
 4) Piercings all over, particularly I can't stand any on the face. The lip, nose, eyebrows or cheek makes me feel like I'm talking to a pin cushion. Earring or nipple done is ok for me but please no jewelry on the wee wee!
 5) Wig or some kind of hair piece, it creeps me out. If done really well then ok but most are not and end up looking like a raccoon crawled on top of some guy's head to die.

 There are more but I notice these the most when doing some man watching. Just like with window shopping, it's ok to watch and drool every now and again. ;)

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Steve makes a funny at work.


 Today at work, one of my coworkers (let's call him Khan) was using a chemical that is nasty. He wasn't wearing gloves and I warned him that he should wear gloves to protect his hands. We sometimes use surgical gloves, they protect us while giving us mobility at the same time. He actually took my advice and put on a pair, he is not used to working with gloves, plus he was working with very small parts and soon became annoyed. Holding up a gloved hand, I heard him sigh in frustration and say, "I don't like having to wearing this, I can't feel a thing with this on", so smart ass me says, "ah Khan, men have been saying that for years". It took him a second but he burst out laughing.

Monday, February 4, 2019

Ass biting Karma.


 I just love it when karma comes calling. A woman in Canada won a small lottery of 50 thousand dollars. Now it's not a million but 50k is nothing to sneeze at. When the woman went to claim it she was told no, that she is not getting a cent. You see the woman likes to steal from people (dirty bee...ch) and used a stolen credit card to buy the ticket. According to Canadian law you are not allowed to keep any profits resulting from a crime, that includes writing a book about your past crimes or having a movie made about your life of crime. Also includes lottery tickets that you bought with a stolen credit card. I'm sure this person hasn't learned a thing, I bet she is walking around whining and complaining about how unfair life is to her, she probably feels that she has been shafted. Sometimes you just have to believe someone or something is dipping a hand into daily life. Lol!!!

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Trust broken.


 This week while I was on my way to work, there was a sudden urgent message over the radio about an early morning shooting in a mall and they were asking people to avoid the area. I was thinking to myself that it was probably another gang shooting, unfortunately Ottawa has become a very modern city and lucky us, we now have our very own drug gangs fighting for territory.

 I learned this weekend it was actually a confrontation between a police officer and an indigenous person. Yesterday there were native protests, seems a little fast to jump to conclusions but to be honest I no longer blame them. I was raised a good Catholic boy, in a good family and I believed in the rule and the fairness of law... then I grew up.

 In Canada, fortunately you can't just apply to be a police officer or get voted in, you have to take college and university courses, training etc. I can just imagine how hard the job must be so I don't want to take anything away from that fact. I was a person who always believed that the police were good and the ones saying otherwise were just scum looking for a way out. That belief is completely broken now, with video cameras and cell phones we have witnessed the police completely lying about a situation and the wild, crazy, almost unbelievable version of the person charged turns out to be true. Even for the gay community in Canada, we have just gone through a court hearing where a man confessed to being a serial killer, he killed and chopped up at least eight men that he admitted to. The police kept denying that there was a gay serial killer, I guess because we gays are such a flaky bunch that we will just disappear from our family, friends, pets and careers without saying a word to go off somewhere and have sex in a secret place... for years?

 I like when I'm taught a lesson in judgment, I often do it automatically but much less so now thankfully. For example, I remember some indigenous women saying that the cops in their area will let them go if they have sex with them, some said the cops almost force themselves on the women. At the time I was outraged, I remember thinking that these women were probably picked up driving drunk, selling drugs or selling themselves and were desperately trying to get off. I had a "ya right" attitude, there was no way I would believe such a crazy story for one second. A few weeks later, some female police officers said that they were often sexually harassed, sexually assaulted and raped on the job by male coworkers. Now I don't know what to believe anymore but my mind is wide open, if you rape your coworker on a stake out, what would you do to a woman that society looks down on.

 Closer to home a teenaged boy was badly beaten by a group of cops, he suffered many injuries. They said he resisted arrest and it took a group to get him down to cuff him. The kid told a different story however; he said that as soon as the cops showed up, he lay on the ground and gave up. He said the police then jumped out and attacked him for no reason. Sure.... ya right... as if... like cops are going to just start beating some skinny kid for no reason. Turns out that one of the stores had a camera facing the parking lot, they gave the film to the media. What we see next is this skinny kid ( who did just steal) walking out into a parking lot late at night, suddenly a bunch of cop cars appear. The kid is startled but knows he is caught. Before anyone even steps out of the cars, he lies face down on the ground with his hands behind his head. A smart move I thought, no use making a bad situation worse. Then we see a group of police pour out of their cars, run over and just start kicking and punching this kid.

 My trust is broken, I know there are plenty of good officers but we don't know which one is going to show up in a time of crisis. There are many more stories like these examples sadly. I have had neighbours that pull out their gun and start shooting at everything that moves, I certainly wouldn't want them as a cop! My mind is wide open about the incident last week, I hope it's not racially motivated, I will have a lot of empathy for the cop if he was placed into a dangerous situation but sadly I'm just not so sure anymore.

Saturday, February 2, 2019

February blahs!


 Goodbye January, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out! This winter is bad, really bad, there is a never ending, well below normal temperatures, constant freezing your butt off weather pattern here. Plus to make matters worse, it's constantly snowing. Normally if it's arctic temperatures, it's also usually sunny... not this year. I'm constantly getting texts from friends feeling isolated and trapped. At least with February we know we are on the home stretch. I'm thinking about turning on the outside lights again just to make it more cheerful. I've heard of Christmas in July, I would probably be committed for starting a Christmas in February trend. I'm going to search around for another fun holiday to culturally appropriate, it's worth a shot.

 I know in this area when they asked the groundhog to come out and check for his shadow, he said "you're joking right"?