Wednesday, October 31, 2007

But... you don't look gay!

I have been told by some of my friends "you don't look gay" and right or wrong, that always gives me a feeling of comfort. I feel guilty about wanting people to say that, thinking about it, that is more my style of flying under the radar. I don't like attention, I actually want to blend in with the crowd and I certainly don't think my sexuality defines me. I find myself in a funny mind set, in that my way of thinking is geared to only believe the guys that are gay, are the ones that fit the old stereotypes of what a gay man should look like. It is a leftover bigoted part of the way I was brought up, remember my real gay parents left me in the woods to be found and raised by straight people.

The title to this post, "you don't look gay" is not about me, it is directed towards you guys mostly. It came to me after a discussion I had the other night with someone. Regarding my frustration with being the only gay person in my network of family and friends. I often read on other blogs that as the writer begins to come out, they discover that a close friend or cousin is also gay and that gives them an Allie. I have waited for that to happen forever, but it just never came about, there were people that I knew of, but there was always a trust issue with the other person and I did not feel comfortable in going to talk to them. This has given me the odd belief in the back of my mind, that everyone is straight, as funny as it sounds it is hard for me to truly believe someone is gay even when they say it. When I read other blogs or when you guys comment and I see the photos of Matt in his cool shades, Scott in his polo or Brad in his ball cap, I just have this funny little voice that says "those guys are not really gay, they are just saying it so you won't feel bad", I know it sounds crazy but it is true. Maybe when I get out and start to meet other gay people that will go away. Maybe the stereotypes are in my mind because the only gay guys that I know of, who are really out, are very much the 'Jack' from Will and Grace type of people. My apologies to Matt, Scott and Brad for using them as examples but you guys have that handsome guy next door quality to you and your partners, you guys certainly don't fit the stereo type that is in my head of what a gay person is suppose to look like. I guess just once I would like a guy I know to come up to me and say "I heard you are gay, well me to". I have been quietly looking, I did go to some of the pride parades here, I have looked into some of the gay clubs in this city as well and frustratingly I never saw someone that I knew, someone that I could say "wow him to", I am hoping after tonight that will start to change.

Sometimes I wonder if I am missing the signals, maybe that guy on the bike path who nods and says hello means more, maybe the guy in the grocery store who is friendly is trying to meet me and I just don't get it, perhaps the guy at the bus stop who only seems to be talking to me is trying to say more than "it is sunny out", I will be really friendly back but if there is a hidden code then I'm clueless about it. I often wonder about this, gay signals I mean, it drives me crazy and actually I did something that shocked even myself lately. Just before I became sick (BTW I'm fully recovered) I was down town waiting on a bus. Two guys around my age were walking towards me, my gaydar started beeping, something told me they were gay but were work colleagues and not together. I had stared a little too long and caught the attention of one of them. As he approached we were doing that thing of looking at each other and then looking away, I wanted to test my flirting skills (my bad, I know) so I kept it up, as he passed me he turned away from the conversation he was having, smiled and said "how are you doing" I smiled back and told him fine, as he walked away I heard him say to his buddy "is he still looking" his friend elbowed him and said "oh yeah" he looked back again to see I was still staring and smiling at him. Then the little voice in my head said "Steve! OK you proved your point now stop before he comes back and asks for your number because you know you will crap your pants if he does!" I then looked away to end the game but now I wonder how many times in the past was someone maybe trying to send me signals and I just let them go over my head.

It is important for me to work on getting myself to a place were I feel comfortable enough with being gay, that should a person say to me "you don't look gay" I would take it as offensive and not a complement. Like the straight world I need to learn that there is no 'gay look', just gay people who fit every form and mold that a person could think of. Gay people just like me and gay people just like you...... even though I don't believe you're gay.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Out To Dinner

This Wednesday coming is the big day for me, that will be the day of the dinner party. It falls on Halloween, however it is not a Halloween party. I don't feel nervous at all about it, I am actually looking forward to it. I think it will be awesome to be in a room with gay and gay positive people, like in The Chronicles of Narnia I will finally step through the wardrobe door and into my own world, one where I belong. Even if nothing comes of it, I think it will help me get comfortable in my own skin. I have no expectations, I am just going to meet some people and if we hit it off then great, if not then I just keep trying to find my place in a gay world as well as the straight world. I will know some people there so it is not like I will find it totally overwhelming. My hope is that even though I may not meet the kind of people I want to hang out with, they may know people that I could click with.

I have been looking around my city, on line of course as I'm still too chicken to go out, to see what is out there. At first I was a little disappointed at what I was finding, surfing around I found mostly clubs and places that seemed to cater to hook ups or meat markets, some looked like the bar scenes out of Star Wars, not into heavy piercings, tattoos and leather harness, also from the comments I read, a lot of the attitudes around places like that were what I would describe as bitter. I discovered I was not looking in the right way, I stumbled onto sites with clubs for hiking, skiing etc. The clubs appear to be just like the clubs in straight land, the people running them seem nice enough. I think getting into something like that would be easier, less pressure to meet someone but then as I get to know people maybe something could develop. I started to enter my name onto a dating site, the site I think is decent and geared more towards relationships for gay people instead of the meet and bang type. Then I chickened out, maybe for fun I will try again this week, just to see if anyone responds. I also want to check out a gay book store I know about, no not that kind of book store, a real book store. I want to read a gay romance novel, where two guys fall in love and live happily ever after. At least if I can't have that I can daydream about it.

For those of you that read about my one and only boyfriend Billy, tonight I told him about me only coming out this summer. He was surprised, he figured I would be in a relationship and never thought I was still in the closet, he did not understand why but he was happy that I'm working on my coming out. He said he will be staying in my city for a week on business and we can get together to catch up on old times. I still did not apologizes yet for running like a scared rabbit but I will soon. Telling him today was the beginning of where I want our heads to be at when I apologize. I wanted to check in with him to see if his house was close to any of the wild fires that are out of control in California, he is fine however. I want to get everything out of the way before he comes here, that way we can just hang out in bars and clubs together. Hang out like we should have done years ago.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Men's Underwear?

Well Paul in NY wrote a post about men's underwear the other day and said in an email to me that it is a requirement as a new member of gay blog land that everyone has to write a post about men's underwear at some point. First off I have to say Paul you little devil, with what you said in my comment area on my last post called "Get a life. Please" , you changed the discussion from Dumbledore is gay to Potter's penis, it will be a long time before I can forgive you for that, or stop laughing either. OK so mother nature has been really good to that boy, I said to Paul in an email, that I read somewhere the horse did not want to appear in the photo with Daniel Radcliffe for fear of not measuring up. Now to the underwear story, not mine of course because my underwear comes from places like Sears so too boring to make a good story. Well maybe except for the ones I bought in Thailand, however they are silk and I feel too soft and pretty to use, so I keep them in my drawer to remind me of my trip. No my underwear story is about something we all like to hear, a group of teenage guys on a camping trip, stuck together in a cabin, running around in nothing but their underwear. In honour of Paul this is my underwear story.

When I was in high school, everyone will be completely shocked to learn that I was a bit shy and awkward, plus also a klutz in sports, so not very popular especially before turning sixteen. I know that is very unusual for a gay teen to be awkward and as well crappy in sports but it is true! Naturally there were guys that I looked up to, they just seemed to have it all together. Good looks, good grades, good athletes and great hair, you know the ones, they could play football for an hour and not a hair would fall out of place. Although I was never one to follow the pack, their opinions really mattered to me and it would hurt if they made fun of my choice in music, clothes, etc, like all teens I just wanted to be accepted for who I was. There was one guy in particular, I'll call him Tom and he was definitely at the top of the food chain in coolness to the rest of us teens. He had everything going for him but the problem was that he knew it, instead of being an example and trying to inspire the rest of us, he felt as alpha male the need to keep the rest of us in place. He firmly kept us under his thumb with cruel and sarcastic comments, public humiliation was his weapon and for teens being made fun of in front of our peers was the biggest fear.

One fall as we returned for the school year, it was decided that our grade would go on a camping trip for a week. We were excited and packed together sleeping bags, food and all the things we would need. The days were sunny and warm and all was good until the end of the week, that is when it became cold and wet, wet, wet! We were lucky in that instead of tents we had little cabins that could sleep about four people, I was unlucky in that our cabin started to leak and the heater went out. We decided the best thing was to split up the guys and bunk in with other cabins. That final night I was put in the cabin of my dreams, mostly jocks. Some were nice guys but Tom was there as well.

As night came, everyone stripped down to their tighty whiteys and guys not being shy, especially jocks, ran around in their undies. I was in every gay teen's dreamland, to have the hottest guys in school around me almost nude, it was better than I ever thought of in the many, many times I wondered what they would look like nude. Like a kid on Christmas morning I was checking out the packages. The guys started to get silly and show off in front of each other, one of the way to do this was to climb on a shelf by a window and call to the girl's cabins and try to invite certain girls over. The thing was that the shelf happened to be right over a gay kid sleeping on the floor, which gave him a better view of the goods than he could have ever hoped for. One by one the guys would go to the window and as each one approached I would be thinking, wow I can't believe I get to check this guy out. Then it was Tom's turn, I was in awe, blond blue eyed, tall slender body, nicely muscled and as he stepped over to the shelf, I saw it, I could not believe my eyes, it was huge and there was no way you could miss it. Nope, it is not what you think, I am talking about the huge skid mark on his white undies, I was shocked, horrified and disgusted! Like a car tire deflating after running on a nail, my view of him as a cool teen hero suddenly went flat. I mean gross, what did he not know how to wipe himself? If he was so smart, did he not know what that little roll of paper was for beside the toilet? Was it that he felt the need to conserve energy by not changing his underwear? After that night I saw him in a different way, nothing he said to me would bother me anymore because I would be thinking, yeah you don't like my music but you probably need your diaper changed right now. Funny but all this time I thought it was his attitude that stunk.

Well that was it, my men's underwear story, not too exciting but true. I think for fun I will try to tag some of you lucky people to have you do one as well. For any of you guys that were hoping for pictures, sorry I don't do porn, well I like some porn but just not on my blog and I am not going to mention any sites because you are guys, so I know, that you know where all the good ones are!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Get A Life. Please!

Last night I turn on my TV to get a bit of news, I don't really watch a lot of TV but I like news and news shows. Again the news is screaming the latest huge, huge head line, same with my server's home page and most other home pages for different sites. The same huge story that has people in heated debates everywhere, not the wars, not global warming, not even all the natural disasters like the wild fires, tornadoes and earth quakes that have struck fear in people. It is the fact that Dumbledore is gay, correction, the character Dumbledore is gay. Yes I know that may shock many people on earth, not that he is gay but that we must remember there is no Dumbledore, he is not real, he does not exist. I am not a Harry Potter fan, I never read the books. I did see the movies and they were enjoyable, however I did not even remember this character's name until this week. I have nothing against the Harry Potter books, I think they are more for kids and I know if I was a kid now I would read every one. They are the type of story I loved when younger and if it gets children reading then that is a great bonus.

As a gay man coming out, the reaction to Dumbledore makes me do a double take and I want to stop and take a step back. I thought we keep hearing that things are getting better and people are more open minded. However the headlines for the last three days keep screaming the story. Come on get a grip straight people, it is not like she has to go back and rewrite all the books and have him say things like "you go girlfriend" and "oh no he di-en't" while listening to Cher CDs. How can there be such a reaction to someones sexuality when that person does not really exists. I wonder how many children suffered and died needlessly in the world yesterday while everyone was wondering if Dumbledore is a top or bottom. There is just something wrong with the priorities in the western world. Have we, meaning gay people become the train wreck for straight people. Like a wreck, do they peer into our sex lives to be jolted out of their boring sex lives and like a wreck do they say "disgusting" while scrambling for a better view? If they did not want to hear about him being gay, why then do they glue themselves to the TV to hang on the author's every word about his sexuality. So what if he is gay, it still does not change the fact that he is an interesting character in the books.

I really had to admire J.K Rowling in the interview I saw with her last night, which I had to give up and watch because there was an interview being shown on almost every channel. They were really drilling her and trying to make her change what she said, because we all know that global warming and oil shortages are being caused by him being gay. She was very firm and said that he is her character, so she alone will decide what and who the character will be from a feeling that she gets from writing about him all these years. Case closed, and I thought good for you, I think I even saw a little smirk especially when asked about some of the religious protests. I smirked also and I realized, "aah you got them", what can these nut cases say. She knows they never read her books so the false threats of boycotts are no weapon against her. In fact I would be laughing too because thanks to the right wing Christian groups she has had more free publicity in the last three days than she could ever have paid for with all her millions. I think if I were an artist and were to ever write a book or a make a movie, that is one group I would try to tick off.

The main stream straight people can be just as hypocritical, with their attitudes of, look how cool I am to have a gay friend, but just don't ask for the same rights as me, and I really think what you do is gross but tell us in detail what is it exactly that you guys/girls do? A friend of mine once told me about a bad coming out, it ended up with these straight people calling and asking how were they suppose to deal with it. Well screw you! Who the hell do they think they are, deal with what? Cut the drama breeders your lives are ten times easier than any stress felt by a gay man or woman worried about coming out. Sometimes I get angry while watching TV or a movie and will turn it off when they start the bull about forbidden love. What would straight people know about forbidden love? Really unless they lived in a third world country where different cultures or class are not allowed to marry under the threat of death, they would not know how it really feels. They would only have to move to a city that did not know their families. So really people, get a life and forget about whether Dumbledore is gay, then when you open your eyes you will be shocked to discover what you let go on around you with your inaction and it has nothing to do with who is sleeping with whom. If the straight world is looking to cash in on hidden secrets in children's movies, then here is a hidden one to them from the movie Babe. Duck ewe pigs!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I Lost My Job! O_O

Oh no what will I do! My life is ruined! I'm ready to faint, cue the violins! Said Steven with as much gay drama as he can without laughing too hard. Just kidding about being upset by it. I really mean, woohoo I lost my job! It was starting to suck the life out of me as I had been with the company over ten years. It actually happened a little while ago, just I did not feel like talking about it until now. I knew the lay-off was coming for a couple of months so it was no surprise and my whole department was wiped clean, more work sent to Asia. I'm not really sad about it, I want a change in life, it was just a job, I would like a career. Nobody feel bad either, I am a total little ant that saves for the hard winter so I will be fine.

I am at a cross roads now, I feel like a kid again in that I have a chance to go back to school and there are so many opportunities it is hard to go with one that I think I may enjoy. It is a little payback for my sins of a lazy youth. You see I am a classic under achiever, when I was younger my report cards always said "Steven has great potential but does not apply himself", my Mom would always read that and do a growl noise kind of like Marge Simpson only with a lot more anger. My whole goal in life was to get what ever grade I would need to pass and anything over that mark was a lucky bonus. When it came time for college, again minimum courses taken. Where that put me years later is in a position where I have a lot of obsolete skills. So time for a change, I could stay in the field I am in but it will now be a cycle of working for small start up companies that may eventually move to Asia and then I would have to move on and again start all over. I want to break out of that infinite round room.

I am actually looking for ideas, I have a few things I am looking at but the more ideas the better. Here is where you guys or girls if any read this blog can come in. If you generally like what you are doing and would recommend it let me know (keep in mind that every job has it's bad days), if there was a job you started out doing before what you have now and think it is a good stepping stone let me know. If you were part of a lay-off right now and had the opportunity to go back to school, what do you think you might like to try or heard from a trusting source was a good career move? If you are in a course and really like it, tell me a little about it. To make it easier, I could never work in something dealing with blood, guts or bodies, also not all the lights on the Christmas tree burn brightly so super chemical engineer with an over load of math equations and formulas is also out of the question. Now that I am older I really don't want to go back to making porn movies again. OK just kidding I don't have the body for that and I won't even go to strip clubs but I got your attention! Don't be shy, feel free to let me know in the comments area or click on my profile and send me an email, even if you never commented before I would really appreciate your suggestions.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

A Long Way

Going through some things this weekend, I found something that I wrote a few years ago. I guess you could call it a poem, although I don't really want to call it that as there are people with real talent posting in the blog world and I would be a little embarrassed if they read it. I want to put it up though to show myself how far I have come lately. The reason I wrote this came back to me as I was reading it, I had been with a group of coworkers and some of the people were making fun of gays and lesbians. I remember the words "gross" and "disgusting" were used and they stung. I remember feeling isolated because I realized if they knew then these people would not want to be my friends. I felt trapped and definitely an outcast. These same people often asked me to come for dinners, BBQs and church events. I started to decline because I understood that the invitations had conditions on them, being only for people who fit the norm. That evening I wrote out this little piece to express how I was hurting inside. I called it "If You Knew" OK not ground breaking but I try.

If You Knew.

You hate people like that, it's what you always say.
Would you hate me too, if you knew I was ...

If you knew I was, if you found out today.
How would things be tomorrow, if you knew I was...

Am I welcome to your home, would you still call me friend.
Would you see me as a person or does this relationship end.
It's important that you know me, I need to see where you stand.
I want you to really know me, to find out who I am.

You invite me for supper, even to your church where you pray.
Would you still want me, would you want me, if you knew I am gay.

At that time I thought I would never come out, I thought that because of the way people might react, I wouldn't be able to come out. I just imagined everyone would reject me and I had visions of being surrounded by people at work and being alone at the same time. I started to notice however during these lame conversations there were some people who did not laugh. They did not find the comments funny and began to challenge the ignorant comments quite strongly. Allies, I thought I should get to know these people better, and I soon found out that people with a more open mind also tend to be more enjoyable to be around. Most of them are still my close friends today and some I have mentioned in the past on this blog.

Now I have to shake my head at that poor guy, so obsessed with his closet. I still am closeted to a large degree, but now if someone were to find me out I would not panic, more like think that is one less person I have to go through the awkwardness of telling. I feel sorry for the guy that wrote that piece, if only I could go back in time and tell him he will start to come out and even like it, he will be closer to the real friends he decided to keep and honestly never think of the shallow so called friends he decided to shrug off. If I could go back I would also tell myself, that one day when I read "If You Knew" it will no longer hold any emotions for me and I will no longer relate to it anymore. There will be people behind me and that I will have come a long way, from being alone.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Life, ugh!

This week I was doing my self review, as I often do, to see where I am with coming out. I was thinking about the party coming up and the people I am going to meet. I also was thinking about the guy who may be there that my sister wants to fix me up with. Maybe he will be there maybe he won't, maybe someone else will be there that I hit it off with or just maybe someone will know someone that they can fix me up with. I had said that for now I just want to meet people and make friends, not really ready to date but you never know what may come up. There is a problem however with me meeting people, that would be my blog buddy who I care for deeply. To make this easy, lets give him a name, uhmm just off the top of my head lets call him John, good simple name and it is not a metaphor for anything, he is a real live person. We are really close, much, much more than just friends and I think he is a total sweetheart. In fact if John lived closer to me, we would be dating for real. He is like an emotional pick-pocket, because while reaching out to show me he wears his heart on his sleeve, in the distraction I did not notice he stole my heart as well. I do wonder what it is like to kiss him, hug him, touch him and lay with him. He tells me that his vision for us is to grow old together and one day be like the two old guys (Waldorf and Statler) on the Muppet's show, well you have to give him credit for out of the box thinking. Like I have said we talk almost every night for hours, we even talk about what we mean to each other so we are both clear that there is love there. However the reality of this relationship has been sinking in lately, which is that we are too far from each other to be able to have a true relationship. He is just starting a career and would not be able to leave his country, his family is of a different cultural background, he feels not very accepting of a gay son. He is not in a place where he could start a real relationship and I understand that. I am also at a cross roads with work, plus there are my parents who I am very close to, leaving them now as they age would be unthinkable.

I was mulling this over in my head and thought it is wrong to go on like this. Maybe I am using him as an excuse not to date or meet people and it is a wall that I put up that is preventing me from moving forward. I thought the right thing to do is tell him this and face the reality that we will never be together. On Wednesday evening I explained to him that although I wish he was the one that I would be dating, it was something that just could never happen, there were too many obstacles in our way and it was time we faced that. He said he understood and agreed that I was right, that we could not be together, he said as long as he at least had my friendship would be good enough. He sounded a little disappointed but being the nice guy, he accepted it.

As a gay man I want to stay away from drama or too much emotions, I still see it as a sign of weakness so I really hate it if something makes me tear up. I also fear the stereo types of the gay guy who will cry at the drop of a hat, but this week I brought drama onto myself. It started after I finished talking to John, instead of feeling like I did the right thing, I did not feel good about it at all. I felt more like I was sick and was about to vomit. In a way I was thinking it was me sort of saying good-bye. The feeling was as if I had stomped on a kitten, and the thought of hurting John kept making me want to tear up. I remember thinking uh-oh! The next day was worse, he would send little messages saying he understood, he was happy to have me in his life as a friend, that I meant a lot to him and that put me on the edge. I had to tell him I was on line but just was not able to talk to him. That night we spoke and I felt that I was drowning, so I told him everything on my mind. The truth is that I don't want to meet anyone else, I only want to meet him. To me he is the type of decent person I see myself spending the rest of my life with. That I never felt this way about anyone else before. That I was so confused and just could not see our way out of this mess. That the reason I was so upset for the last two days was because I cared so deeply for him that the thought of me hurting him, made me sick to my stomach. He had been there for me and how could I cause him to be unhappy. I told him he means the world to me and I never want to cause him one second of pain or sadness. As usual he was trying to calm me, reassure me and was his usual kind, thoughtful self. Hearing the soft tone in his voice made me, and I'm so embarrassed by this, lose it. He is so good in situations like this, he said since neither of us are dating, why don't we just take it one day at a time. Since it is more than likely one of us will meet someone, we can just be honest and let the other know if that happens. He said of course he would be upset for a while but if I am happy he is happy. I feel the same way also, if I can't be with him, then I hope he could find someone to make him happy in a real relationship, but it will sting like a bitch.

I am back in a good place again, drama over I hope, I don't want to dwell and feel like I have ended up in a gay soap-opera. I can move on now to what ever is waiting for me. I have been as honest with myself as I can and as honest with John as I think I can and that is important to me. Honesty is the main thread with this friendship and hopefully will keep it strong for now. Strange though that the person that screwed my head back on straight (no pun intended) is the one person that I truly want, but the one I can't have. So yeah I don't want to be in a gay soap-opera but just like Ernie and Bert, Waldorf and Statler, I would not mind being in a gay Muppet show with a certain someone. Love you John.

Thursday, October 18, 2007


Faith, I saw her at the bus stop the other day, happy as always to see me. Hand shooting up quickly to do that small little wave she always does whenever she sees me, that warm smile of hers brings a person in like a hug. So pretty, an island beauty, I can picture you from where you came, on a beach with a flower in your long black hair, sundress blowing in an ocean breeze. Her soft voice makes everything she says seem like a poem when she speaks and I feel comfortable around her. What would it be like if I were married to you, I often think of that. I am sure as well you must have wondered why, living so close to you, I never asked you out. There were even, I think some hints dropped but you being so decent would never push it. What would it be like to have you as my wife, my parents as hard as they can be about judging a person's character, would absolutely love you. You would fit into my family well, we could go to church together and the people would want to meet the woman that finally had shy Steve's heart. They would give me the knowing smiles and even some winks from the older men. So glad he is finally settled they would say and so happy that he met such a really nice girl. What would our children be like, you similar in culture and looks to one of my friends and me similar to her husband, would we have the same cute kids. My parents now given the new proud title of Grandma and Grandpa, holidays would be breathed back to life with little bodies running around, giggling, laughing. How exciting for us, first step, first words, first day at school and I would have completed my journey to becoming a man. We could talk about who they would become and watch over the years as they turned into adults and we got to know the people our kids grew into. So proud to have you by my side, to go through life and say to my friends and coworkers, this is my wife and when they would meet you they would see the beautiful person you are inside as well as out.

I can't marry you however Faith, because I don't love you, not the way you deserve. You see Faith I'm gay and you could never be more than a really good friend to me. I know I'm gay and it could not work because in all the times I imagined us together, I never think what it would be like to kiss you, hold you, touch you. I don't have thoughts about us being alone together, I never wonder if it would be warm to have you lying next to me, I don't notice if you wear perfume. In my daydreams you are the perfect accessory to my "normal" life, however not my partner in life. I have no desire to be with you intimately. As far as our wedding, to me I see how happy our friends and family would be, it could be a story book day, however I never think about the wedding night, it would be awkward, I would feel the need to trick you, maybe it would be one step better than masturbation and at worse have the same appeal as when we had to get the blood tests and to me your worth much more than that. I had to let that life go Faith, it belonged to someone else. The wedding, children, those are yours to keep but for me, I have to take another path. I heard you are dating a nice guy, I hope he understands what an island flower he has. I hope he makes your dreams come true and I also hope I find a guy who will do that for me as well.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Sexuality Of Masculinity

Last week I was watching a show about sexuality. Naturally as usual it started with women, it talked about women, their bodies etc, so I turned the station to watch something else. When the program that I was watching ended and I turned back, I was excited to see they were going to do another hour show on men and masculinity. That is one thing I like also about being gay, the erotic feeling of masculinity. I think that is the reason I do not relate to the really effeminate or drag side of the gay culture. Nothing feminine interests me, only the masculine side catches my attention. Don't get me wrong, I am certainly not super jock, more like super klutz or captain awkward! I just want to date super jock or at least watch him in action. As I watched the show I was a little frustrated because it was the same thing that always happens when they begin to talk about men. They focus away from the sexuality part and begin to talk about aggression, fighting, competition. That used to anger me as a gay teen growing up, information before the Internet was hard to come by. When they would talk about sexuality, it was always the same, forty five minutes talking about girls (yuck) and wrap the shows last fifteen minutes up by talking about guys. Same with these two shows, when talking about women, there were breasts and bodies all over the screen, when they talked about the men, it showed them coming out of the dressing room to play hockey or it would show two guys fighting. I have to ask, really what is more sexual than a man. I was surprised as I thought things would be a little more open towards the male side of growing up and sexuality.

The show did make an interesting statement about when a young woman comes of age and tells her female family members and friends that she has started her periods, as opposed to a young man who does it in silence. That is true, I remember wanting to ask my friends about wet dreams, hair showing up where it had not been before, however it was something not talked about. I actually do remember when I first discovered that I was becoming a man, it was just before I turned twelve and I had watch a really erotic movie on TV, I was getting ready for bed and noticed being kind of wet, I realized what was going on and felt excited and proud but who could I tell without them getting grossed out or angry with me, so like most boys I said nothing. I think it is getting better, gay men are more open but in general it is true, men don't talk about these things. I can remember wanting to be able to, I remember asking my Dad a few questions but his turning completely red and sputtering on his words soon told me never to ask again. There were so many questions I had growing up but not many answers. The focus was so much on women that I am a gay man but I can tell you everything about the woman's body and reproduction system, much more than I ever wanted to know.

This being a gay blog, well then lets talk about men. Sorry this will be a bit shallow and probably jump around as I am not sure what I am trying to say here, if anything. Speaking of sports and competition, I love to watch kick boxing and rugby. There is something about the raw power of the guys going against each other. I am not the only one who feels that way as I see a lot of blog writers also have pictures up of these sports. The clashing, muscles locked in struggle, sweat pouring off the guys, as close to man on man sex as you can get! I think we still learn things about our bodies as men. Even just the other day, when I was totally teasing my special blog buddy, (he is going to kill me for this) I wanted to get him back for comments that made me blush, so since he is not Caucasian, I asked him if "the boys" were darker, he did not understand me, meaning guys with darker skin color usually have a much darker package, if everyone gets my meaning. He did not know that, he did not pay attention and said he would have to check! See I was right buddy! Regarding men's body parts. I always used to get asked, are you an ass man, a breast man? This was the question of course that a lot of straight guys ask, I always gave the PC answer that I liked the woman as a whole person. This was really because I had no interest in the female body. Thinking on that question and putting a gay twist to it, yes I know I need to like the whole guy but just for fun, I would have to say I am totally a buns man. Tastefully done pictures of a man stepping into a shower or whatever but a nice butt is a huge attention getter with me. Oh and absolutely no pictures of where the thermometer goes, that is just gross. On a smaller scale, I like a guy with nice calves, I think because it can be hard for most men to have nice legs, so I notice guys that have thick calves.

Hooking up and anonymous sex, I always say I could never do that, it is just not in my nature, I need to care about the person I am with. I understand it however, the raw animal lust, men acting like simple sex machines with one goal of pleasure, part of me wishes there were no diseases, part of me wishes I was a little more open and in a fantasy world I could see the attraction to it, I could see trying it. It is basic, exciting and there is an element of danger to it, so I won't judge because the raw animal in me understands the one in you.

I really like the normal looking guys, the guy next door type, I am lucky in that I have not fallen into the trap of looking for the perfect model. I like if he is straight acting, again because it is the masculinity that I am attracted to, not butch by gap however. Just an ordinary looking guy, that is what I find really hot, he could be a teacher, accountant, cowboy or doctor. I even know of guys that are a bit fem by nature but they carry themselves with a certain straight air and confidence, I could totally go for a guy like that as well. Actually who am I kidding, lets see if I can make a friend first before I pick a boyfriend.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Karma, You Beotch

Since the time we were very small children, my mother always told us never to gloat at some one's misfortunes, even if we really disliked that person. The trouble is that life has a way of coming back on you, so what you laugh about now may come back to haunt you later. I have always taken this to heart and I am glad to say that when a person who is not in my good books, has a problem, I never think "good you're going to get yours now". I always feel empathy for them if they've lost a job, became ill, etc. I think people read that sort of kindness from a person and if you are like that and find yourself in a bad situation, you will also find a lot of people that want to come to your aid.
What brings this to my mind today is what I learned about a woman that I know of. I had met her a few years ago while taking some courses. At first she seemed nice enough but as I got to know her more, there was a hidden mean streak lying underneath. She liked to make sure everyone knew that she was 'born again' , I respect every one's choice in religion so I have no problem with that. The thing that started to rub me the wrong way was the statements she would make during break time discussions. An example would be, while a group of us were discussing something we had heard about how some people thought they could cure people of homosexuality, she blurted out "there is a cure for homosexuality" we all turned towards her and she said "its called AIDS". Why a person would make such a statement is beyond me, because really she should have just said "I'm a dumb ass, bush hermit" and it would have gained her the same amount of respect. That changed the topic onto AIDS and her response was that we are wasting money that could be used elsewhere. The cure for AIDS was celibacy and the ones who had it now deserved to get it because they were leading an immoral life. She would go on and on about how her family was going to be brought up the proper way. With people like that I always think how easy life is for them, everything is so perfect that they can't even think what it must be like to walk in someone else's shoes even for a few steps. Needless to say I almost never speak to her if I see her in public because honestly I really don't care how she is doing or what she is doing and I can't put the energy towards the phoniness of asking or making polite conversation.
The karma that came into play was revealed to me this weekend, I discovered she is the proud grandmother of a bouncing product of a teen pregnancy. Although the kids that are the parents and the parents that are the grandparents will all try to come together and make the best of an awkward situation, it still will turn every one's lives upside down. I wish them all the best, I really do but I also hope in the sleepless nights that followed finding out that her little girl was pregnant, she also suddenly realized that people are just people and we all make mistakes. That not only do all people make mistakes but that we ourselves and loved ones close to us make mistakes. Understanding that we should all then have compassion for when something bad happens to a person and if we are lucky, we and the people we love will avoid the mistakes that scare us the most. However if someone chooses to sneer and laugh at other's misfortunes then how much compassion can they expect from the rest of us when karma comes calling and it will come and it can be a real......

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Out and About This Town

Another Friday evening spent at home, eating chips while watching Ghost Whisperer. Yes that is one of my weaknesses, I like to watch that show, just that she has this secret that she does not want to tell people about because they would not understand blah, blah, blah and we all see the connection now, plus sometimes it can get a little spooky. Back to my point, why am I not going out. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself, there is a whole gay world going on in this town and I'm sitting on my floor watching TV. As much as blog land has helped me start to come out of the closet, it can also be a big factor or should I say excuse not to move further out of my comfort zone. I like to read the other blogs and see what the rest of you guys are up to, but that is only reading about you living your lives, not me actually living my life. Sometimes I feel it is not healthy for me, I get stuck reading for hours, I don't want to go away from the computer because I feel doing so puts me back into the straight world, where every movie, TV show, book etc is about straight people and I'm bored hearing about that, I only want to now hear about gay people and their relationships, our movies, our books etc. Telling my friends has helped that a little, now I am gay somewhere else besides only on line. Still I have not made that last important step, to meet and be around other gay people, I was thinking I could just go to a bar, I heard which ones are not meat markets, just go in and have one drink and leave, but I can't do it! I am over the fear of 'what if someone sees me' that does not really bother me any more, so that is not the problem, I guess it is just the awkwardness of it all. In some ways I am getting better, my stats counter was showing that someone close to the town where I grew up keeps reading my blog, at first a little panic set in but then I thought to just let things fall where they will and besides how would they explain themselves reading a gay blog if it is someone that knows me. Like they say, I need to come up with a plan of action. This is not living, this is just spending time and I am already an expert at that. Next week I am going to figure out some ways to get myself out there and hopefully there will not be too many more Fridays and Saturdays spent watching TV at home alone.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Wish You Where Here.

Yesterday evening was spent as it often is, with me and a buddy laughing and snickering for hours like school boys up to something. I was going to post today what we were talking about but since last night I suddenly felt that I was missing the point, like talking about a street lamp while standing under a night sky filled with stars. The point is who I was talking with, someone who has come to mean a lot to me, as much as any friend I have here, as much as family. We both blog, that is how I met him, I have been reading his blog for over a year now and we are at the same level of comfort with being gay. After lurking around his blog for months I felt a connection and contacted him, he was easy to talk to, very kind, we had a lot in common and we became friends, I really needed one and he certainly came through for me. The first month or so we can laugh about now, but it was basically poor him trying not to spook me off since I was so closeted. We both felt like we were forced onto this journey and so we could follow the path together. He is quite a distance from me and at first that was a comfort, I would have been terrified if he had suddenly showed up at my door. He is also another reason that I began to feel comfortable with coming out, I felt if someone like him could be gay, then being gay must be alright and not something bad or wrong. We began to chat and he really, really pressured me to send him a picture, OK no he did not pressure me but I know he is going to read this and I wanted him to jump a little. He sent me a picture of himself and told me whenever I felt comfortable I could send him one, so I thought I need to trust someone at some point in time and I did.

We began to talk to each other for hours instead of chatting and that brought us closer. I'm not sure when it happened, I did not see it coming, but sometimes I would be at work and would find myself wondering what he was doing at that moment, or something funny would happen and all I could think of was getting home so I could talk to him and tell him. I started to realize that there was a different feeling towards him than some of my other blog and email friends. At first I tried to deny it. I think long distance relationships are not practical, they are doomed to failure and are better left in romance novels, so imagine my surprise when I realized I was taking a nose dive into one. I remember him once telling me about meeting a new friend, how he thought that friend was gay and wondered how he could know for sure, the whole time he was telling me this, I kept thinking, no you don't want him, you want me, and then I knew for sure I was in trouble. Finally one day I told him how I felt, that I was not sure what, if anything we were suppose to do about it. Part of me even hoped he would say maybe we should break off contact, that would have been easier. Instead he said he had the same thoughts. At first the distance was a comfort but not anymore, I'm not afraid to meet him in fact I feel like I have been separated from an old friend and miss him all the time, even though we have never met in person.

Well that is where we are now, I find it difficult to be so far apart. The little things bother me, if something good happens I can't be there to share in the joy and if something bad happens I can't put my arms around him and say things will get better. I think the whole thing is crazy until I hear his voice and a sudden feeling of calm comes over me, he sends me little messages that he is thinking of me or is missing me and sometimes that is what I need, to know someone is thinking about me. He says he cares about me and sometimes it makes me dizzy and I have to put my head on my desk to stop the spinning feeling, he tells me I look cute, I tell him he needs glasses, he builds me up as brave, I ask him the sky color in his world. He can make me frustrated, drive me crazy, twist my words but I find that cute about him and even if I get upset with him we usually are laughing.

When I started to write this blog, I wanted to meet other people who were coming out and I also wanted to see if anyone would be interested in what I had to say. I decided not to tell any of my blog friends that I was writing, at least for a little while, that way I knew the people who did read it were reading because they were hopefully getting something from it and not because they felt obligated to read, if that makes sense. That is why I have not really mentioned my mystery blog buddy before now, yes some of you know who it is so shhht! We are not sure where we are going to go with this, we talk about meeting, I confess I'm stalling for fear that he will not like me and I don't want to lose the friendship. He is the reason I tell people not to fix me up because to me it would be cheating. My friends ask if I did this on purpose to avoid a relationship, maybe at first but not now. When we talk, we keep it going for hours, I don't want to stop, I think just a few more minutes and when we say bye, it is like a heavy door closes and I'm alone again, you're so far from me, wish you were here.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Little boy.

Just like most men, when I get sick I can become a little boy. When little boys get sick or hurt they run straight for Mom, so that is exactly what I did. Crawling home to hide under a rock and try to heal my wounded ego. How could I get this disease, lose control over my own body a sure sign of weakness, my maleness angry with myself. The good news is I can't believe the way things are coming back, almost full recovery. My sister was at my parents as well and she said there are almost no more signs of the Bell's Palsy unless I become tired or laugh too much. Thanks to all the well wishers out there, I appreciated the comments and emails. I knew someone that was affected for over two months.

As I was saying my sister was visiting my parents also since it was Thanksgiving in Canada last weekend. I told her I did not want to come to her get together if I was still looking a little off. She said that I knew where they would be and I was welcome to come if I felt up to it. We walked around talking and it was nice to be able to connect with her. She said she told them about me but she is not sure what I expect. She was thinking of trying to fix me up with a really nice guy that she knows but she felt awkward about asking him. I told her that I'm not looking for a boyfriend, right now I'm looking for friends, well gay friends that is. I told her don't worry about fixing me up with a guy I'm not ready for that, plus I reminded her that my heart kind of belongs somewhere right now. The way things are improving health wise for me it looks like I will get to make it after all, wow I can't wait to meet real live gay people! You know I had heard that there were other gay people in the world but to finally meet some will be awesome!

My friend "B" that I just told last week called this evening. She wanted to see how I was doing, both with being sick and the gay issue. She was so supportive, I never thought she would be like that. She was basically giving me a pep talk, I told her that with friends like her behind me, I feel stronger with the whole coming out deal. She told me about a connection she has with understanding gay issues and so I told her I feel closer to her now, she said she was glad and that is what she wanted. She said I had too many good experiences and now I need a bad one to prepare me, I joked and said I could tell my parents if she wants. I guess that would be one of the struggles that a parent feels. Something is wrong or they perceive it as something is wrong with their little boy and they can't help him.

Saturday, October 6, 2007


Some where out there is a guy who I hope is getting ready to leave and return home, I am hoping he has a safe trip and is back when I get back. Someone I lean on and his voice gives me a lot of strength. Someone who I miss greatly at the moment and is often my island in rough seas. Someone who is separated from me by borders, time and distance and yet I feel as close to him as any friend here in the city.

Back on the lighter side.

Enough with the gloomy posts, sorry this is going to bounce all over. OK so I tell myself that I am writing this blog for me. I need to get my thoughts out and if anyone connects with a post then that is good. However I have become a comment addict, I love getting comments from people, I need my fix of getting comments from people, so sad! It makes me feel like I did well and people liked the post. The trouble then starts when I think of not posting because people will find a certain post boring and that is censoring my thoughts, if I write only to get comments then I will have become a comment whore!
I am coming a long way in accepting the gay culture from where I started years ago. I realized it this week when I was absolutely tickled pink to discover that I had been added to Cincy Diva's blog roll over at Divas Never Die (sorry still have not played with the links yet), not sure why but I just feel way cooler after being added for some reason!
One of my little evil indulgences, and I know I am going to regret saying this, is to go over to the blog Brettcajun, don't know what it is about that guy but I find him real easy to look at, now no one go over and spill the beans please! My jaw hit the floor ( it wasn't from the Bell's Palsy) when he did the self pictures on the couch in his tightie whities, yeah really liking that post. I think I have been lurking around his blog for well over a year, come to think of it that is kind of creepy.
Sunglasses and cap! A lot of bloggers do not put up a picture and I fully understand that, I would never ask a person for their picture. Some people have emailed me their picture because it is more private. So just for fun and so that I have some idea of what a person might look like that communicates with me through my blog. If you feel comfortable do like I did and send me a picture of yourself in cap and sunglasses, it can be cool or silly what ever you want and I would never put them on my blog or anything like that. Actually it is open to anyone that wants to do it, like I said it is just for fun and for me to put a face or hidden face in my mind to some of the comments.
Gay porn, I like to watch two guys kissing and being loving. I think what it would be like to have a boyfriend that would hold me, hug me, tell me he loves me etc but you don't find that in gay porn. It is not that I watch it a lot or anything but most of the time when I'm watching it, I am not going "yes oh yes". It is more like "oh no, oh no", "oh that is sick" and "oh hell no, I'm not doing that" another area where I don't think I am going to fit in (no pun intended). I am hoping nobody tries to pull the top and bottom thing because I believe in equal sharing, in other words you are gonna get what you give.
The funniest line came from my sister the other day, worried about her little brother being newly gay she said "don't go and date some big biker, you are only out so you don't want some big thing shoved up back there" not a line I ever thought I would hear her say to me, her friend and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. I really like that I am starting to enjoy being gay, I was afraid I was going to feel tortured all the time like living in a country song, come to think of it my dog did die in the spring, my job is DOA and my love life sucks so maybe I did not escape after all! Should I not be living in a Cher or Madonna song?

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Life with teeth.

As everyone knows from experience, life has a funny way of swinging round and biting you on the ass! I had been really excited over something that was coming up. I was not going to mention it until a few days before it happened. That is my sister often has a party in October, even though I like her friends that I know of, I never really went before. This year however she asked me to come, her reason was that, as I mentioned before she has gay friends. She told them about me and they were going to try and help me. I was going to get to meet other actual gay guys that lived in this city and if they were sister approved, then I know I would be OK. There were also to be lesbian couples and maybe they could try to net work for me, allow me to meet their gay male friends as well. I was looking forward to this and counting off the days. This week however, when I was not looking life crept up behind me and attacked.
It started a few days ago, I had gone out to the country to see my parents and as I was leaving I remarked to my mother that the muscles in my face felt like they were jumping. The next day was the shocker, the left side of my face had developed paralysis, even affecting blinking and it is a very unsettling feeling when suddenly you lose control over your own body. I hate going to the hospital but I could tell that a band-aid was not going to fix this. They went through the usual tests to rule stuff out and the conclusion was Bell's Palsy. Fuck! Excuse my language but fuck! I was given my horse pills and they taste like crap. They said it could go away in three weeks to three months but the scary thing is that there is a slight risk that it would never go away. The result is you have trouble eating, you can't smile, you talk out of the side of your mouth, one eye burns from drying out because of not being able to blink properly, you look terrible, who would want me now. I have not spoken to my sister yet, but I will tell her there is no way I am going to meet a group of strangers like this. Really though my main worry is to get back to normal, the thing that I want most is not a party but to be able to drink a glass of water without looking like a camel. I had not mentioned it earlier because I was trying to use my blog as an escape, but my blog is a place for me to vent my emotions and today I really needed to vent them, mostly it is fear. I have to also whine a little though about the party etc, why now just when things were going to maybe line up for me. When Life bites you, sometimes it uses it's fangs.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Billy Part II

To pick up where I left off, the small recap would be that a really great guy (Billy) asked me to go out with him and I over thinking everything, said no. He understood, I was not ready. He was really good that way, in being patient, he never became angry or frustrated with me or at least not that I saw. One day while at his place, he was showing me things in his room, a way for me to get to know who he was. I looked over at him and he was sitting on his bed with his back against the wall, and had a funny grin on his face. I asked what was up, he sheepishly asked me, "can I hold you" I thought about it for a second and agreed. I leaned back against him, he put his arms around me and we stayed like that for a long time, lying on the bed talking and that was the beginning. The hurdle was that we both had straight room mates, so it was hard to meet and be together but it also gave it a little bit of excitement. We took it slow, just kissing another guy was huge for me and I did not want anything else in the beginning. We tried to find places where we could spend time alone together, one night we were kissing like crazy in a park after dark, we did not know this was against the local law and we nearly died on the spot when two cops pulled up and caught us. I thought for sure there would be a report in the local paper the next day with our names printed on the front page. Billy would just laugh and say one day we would look back and laugh about it. It was good being part of a couple, now I did not have to go places alone. We would pretend to be just going places as friends, however I would feel electric when we would drive somewhere and he would hold my hand in the car on the way over. Sitting in restaurants we often touched knees as a sign of connection, a secret way of saying I'm here, I'm with you.
Finally his room mates left for vacation and that gave us his house for two weeks. I have a memory stored away all these years of one night when I was staying over, and I used to draw on that memory when I needed it. This may sound strange to some of you but even though we slept in the same bed we still were not sexually intimate. I remember we talked in the dark until late in the night and finally we fell asleep. An hour or so later I woke up again. I realized that I had rolled with my back up against him, I quickly moved away from him as I would normally do if touching any guy. Then it struck me, it was OK, I could touch him, lean against him, in fact it would be where he would want me if he should wake up. I slowly rolled back into him, I allowed myself to feel his warmth, to listen to his deep breathing as he slept, I could touch another man, the sky did not fall, the world did not split and fly apart. I had to sit up as a sudden euphoric feeling came over me. As my eyes adjusted to the night I could see that Billy was sleeping in the nude, I was uncomfortable with him doing that but he would laugh and say I could sleep on the couch or floor as it was his house, I think he would also do it to tease me. He was sleeping on his stomach with his arms folded under his pillow, the moon was reflecting off his skin, it took my breath away, his shape sculpted by moon light, glowing, muscles defined, not erotic but beautiful like a statue. I remember staring at him, his sleep so peaceful. I remember feeling protective, like I wanted to watch over him. Then it hit me finally for the first time - I had a boyfriend - I had a boyfriend! I never thought I would find anyone, I was no longer alone, I was part of something greater than an individual. I closed one fist in the air and whispered YESSSS!
My problem was never when we were together, yes of course we had small arguments but none that I remember now. It was when we were apart, I would begin to panic. What if people found out, it had been burned into me that gay was bad! Once we became serious people would start to guess, Billy was braver than I was and he began to tell people. This really frightened me, I cared about Billy but I did not want to be gay. I was also filled with doubt, I was afraid that one day he would say "now that I know you, I no longer want to be with you". Sometimes we were not able to be together for days and without the connection I would want to get away from all the pressure, it was however pressure I was putting on myself. The beginning of the end was when I took a job in the area that my parents lived in, it was my way of running, I would not call him for weeks. We did sort of hang out back and forth after that but the damage was done. Once while coming out of one of my denial periods I called him, he no longer worked at his old job and he had moved. I knew head hunters from England and the States were always trying to get him to work in companies there. We had no mutual friends so there was no way to track him down, and believe me I tried because once I realized that I lost a good friend, I suddenly understood his importance to me. I also felt a strong need to tell him how sorry I was for the way I treated him and to thank him for the great lifetime memories that he gave me. That was over ten years ago and I slammed the closet door shut after that, sealing it until now. I do not know what happened to Billy and I never found him again, that is how this post was suppose to end, because I knew one day I would probably talk about this part of my life. The thing that suddenly changed over the last few days is that I actually finally found him! I was happy to hear he is doing quite well, he is down in the States and has a great job, however most importantly I will get to tell him what I really feel I need to tell him.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Billy, Part I

I have been saying that I never told any of my family or friends that I was gay until this past August and that is true, other than some people in blog land who I have been writing to over the last year and a half, no one else or should I say almost no one knew before that. There is one person who did know years ago, I was not sure if I would ever mention it but it has been on my mind a lot lately so here it goes. As strange as this will sound, I did have a boyfriend once, long ago when I was twenty five, it was nice and those memories are another strong reason why I wanted to come out.
I used to swim almost every day, I'm not a great swimmer but for exercise and fun I went to a pool close to my home. Every day around the same time there was a group of people my age that would come to swim also. Being sort of shy, I would only nod my head and say a quick hello. There were two guys that caught my eye, they came the most often and were there almost every time I was. I thought both were cute, they certainly did not look gay to me but I wanted to make friends anyway. One night there was only one guy from the group, Billy. He was a handsome dark haired guy, being too shy I never said a word to him the entire evening. As we were the only ones changing in the locker room getting ready to leave, the little voice in the back of my mind was yelling "say something dumb dumb before he gets away"! I swallowed the lump in my throat and stumbled out "pools kind uh cold tonight eh" being gifted with words as I am! He turned and started up a conversation, he was friendly and seemed to be nice. I did not think much of it as he sat down beside me and we talked, then he reached out and placed his hand lightly on my knee as he spoke. My gaydar sprang on and beeped immediately. Four or five times while talking to me, he would place his hand on my knee and I made no attempt to remove it. While talking to me, he would stare right into my eyes and not the way two straight guys look at each other when speaking. He told me he was from down east and did not know a lot of people around here and said we should go out some time, I agreed. As I left I was thinking, oh man I think I was just hit on by a guy, and it feels so f***ing good to be wanted! Later that night I was so excited I could not sleep, then the thoughts of maybe I was wrong or maybe I misunderstood, then I would worry if he is gay what does he want from me, what does he expect from me. My danger comes from over thinking every situation.
The next day I thought to play it cool, just in case I misunderstood him. When he saw me though, he rushed up to me and was so excited to see me that I knew in that second I was right. At first we would only talk at the pool and one day when he saw that I would walk home he kept trying to give me a lift. I was a little spooked about getting into a gay guy's car, even though he was only a year older, well remember I just came from the country so think 'over sheltered' life. Finally I let him start to drive me home, then he would take me for drives sometimes in the evening. At this time he was not sure if I was gay, so he kept throwing me off by talking about getting married to the right girl and having kids. I was about to send my gaydar in for repair until one night he invited me out for dinner, we went to a straight bar-restaurant and I remember thinking boy was I wrong about this. Later we were driving around and he asked me if I had a problem with gay or bisexual people, I wanted to say 'well I'm here with you am I not' but I just said no. He paused for a bit and said "well I'm bisexual you know" man the bells of happiness went off in my mind! I said it is really hard for me to say but that I'm gay, he was pretty happy then also. We started to hang out together and then one day he asked me out as in boyfriend out and I said no, you read that correctly I said no! I just was not ready for a boyfriend and I told him that, he told me he would wait.
Now in tomorrow's part II, let me explain how Steven screwed up a really good thing and still kicks himself to this day about it.