Saturday, February 29, 2020

Somewhere there's a window.

 I was feeling positive Monday morning after the fun I had last Sunday afternoon. I was still looking for guidance and so decided I needed to consult with the Mother Superior of our local convent. I confessed to her about being gay, she giggled and said, "oh sweetie, little country boys sing their daddy's country songs, not ABBA tunes, I already figured that out years ago". She reminded me that as a lady living in a building filled with man-hating women, she knew a thing or two about homosexuality. She then lifted her head and gazed out the window longingly towards the mountains. I told her about feeling lost and alone, she said to me, "when the lord closes a curling rink, somewhere he opens a bowling alley". I understood what she was telling me, my adventures must take me there. I thanked her and quickly left as she picked up her guitar and started singing "Climb Every Mountain", I then heard her mumble to herself  "aw screw that" and suddenly switched to "Stairway to Heaven", oh sister Margaret Mary Margaret, you always were a card!

 Yes I realized that evening would become a get together for "the gays". It was a perfect day, almost spring like, I decided to go. I'm really doing well with going to places where I don't know anyone. Honestly I think once you have gone to a nude Halloween party where you don't know anyone and stand there with your credentials out, you can pretty much go anywhere after that little adventure, it was a beneficial learning experience.

 I arrived a little early and my gaydar went off regarding two men sitting there waiting. I introduced myself and then explained that I have never gone bowling in my life, they reassured me it's all about fun and not to worry. By six o'clock there was a good group of men gathered. They were giving me pointers on how to play better. I found if I could stay relaxed, I could do well. Curling actually gave me some helpful knowledge. I did unfortunately get a lot of gutter balls, I have a tendency to put a spin on my balls and... wait can't you guys just hear Maddie giggling! Anyway I put a spin on the balls and they kept heading towards the gutter.

 I really enjoyed it, also the guys were a really friendly bunch, I'm so glad to have met them. They invited me to go with them after, I thought it was a bar but to my surprise it was to a coffee/pastries shop. That actually worked out well because I could talk with them. I find bars play music so loud that I can't hear what the people are saying and then I don't enjoy myself. These guys seemed down to earth and very ordinary, yay... my kind of people lol. Again I surprised myself with how I took part in the conversation, actually leading it at times. This is something I never saw myself doing years ago.

 A friend asked me how I could do that, just show up somewhere and not know a single person. The truth is at a social function like that, people are there to meet other people and like me they are just too shy to say hello. I've never had a negative reaction yet. My only regret is I should have done this years ago. It was getting late and everyone started saying goodbye. A bunch of us walked back to our cars and the night ended, I had a lot of fun.

 I'm not sure, I may take a break from blogging for a little while, we will see. If I'm suddenly not around, don't panic I'm okay just up to something. I have at least one more coming.

Thursday, February 27, 2020

We're watching you.

 Lately we keep hearing stories about sites that track you and are constantly collecting data about you. They always apologize... for getting caught, they are never sorry for getting away with it. There are usually promises to never do it again (this month) and ringing of hands. They offer up some sort of goody, everyone forgets and back to normal.. in a sinister way. I am not on any social media sites other than blogger but many of my friends are. Some have small businesses and so these sites help them to network.

 Last week I happen to mention to a straight friend, about a guy who was cruelly bullied in high school, he was older than us. We were wondering what happened to him, we felt terrible for him. It was unbelievable the level some guys went, in order to humiliate this guy. My friend had actually forgotten about this guy.  We were texting each other about him. A few days later, this same guy contacts my friend through Facebook, he said he received a notice about a potential friend and so contacted my buddy.

 Coincidence? I don't think so, why after all these years would he get a suggestion about friending someone who had just been unknowingly to this man, talking about him. The guy that was bullied, as I said was older, he was never part of our group of friends. We don't have mutual friends, we never crossed paths since high school and yet... I mentioned his name a couple of times in a text and suddenly we are connected. Creepy, really freaking creepy.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Broken Saturday

 Saturday was an odd day, actually it started Friday evening. I couldn't place my finger on it but something seemed off inside me. I went to the funeral on Friday for the older woman who died earlier during the week. It really got to me and for many reasons. It's not because I was close to this person but she was always around, another matriarch of the community gone, another thread to our past broken.

 There was a guest speaker at the funeral who had lived around here but went on to have a career in television and radio, he spoke of this woman encouraging him as a young man, to follow his dreams. He also noted all the faces that he was expecting to see but are no longer with us. I always notice the absence of certain key people now as well. I ended up helping out at the funeral because there just isn't the people around to help anymore and I wanted this lady to have the send off that she deserves. I couldn't help think of when this woman's son who was killed with his family, they were our neighbors and good friends. Even me doing tasks that my father once did, I couldn't help think of him also. It was just very lonely for me that day.

 The other thing that really got to me was seeing her grandson with his boyfriend of many years. I found that also emotional for me with how accepting the entire family is of them. It's not that the family is accepting of him, there is no accepting "the gay son/cousin/brother" it's even bigger than that, it's that he's just a part of the family like any of the other grandsons but happens to have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. It was beautiful to me but I also felt incredibly lonely and hopeless.

 I realized that I am probably never going to experience that, a real relationship. The boys looked so good.. and so good together; however the only one who was probably noticing them was me. Again on Saturday I was having waves of hopelessness and a strong feeling of sadness. I want someone to support me like that at times when I just need a hug. I came to the conclusion that I will be alone from now on and I don't know what I can do to change that. Sure, the guys that I have been meeting with are nice guys but they are not really interested in making friends to hang out with, they certainly are not interested in finding a boyfriend. I'm not fitting in there anymore, it's not what I want, it's not what I need.

 My sister called me about something Saturday morning and when I went to tell her about my latest visit with mom, I cried. She went silent, I caught myself off guard and said I was fine. Later throughout the day I would cry at the drop of a hat, I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness, it scared me to be honest. I went to email a friend, I said I think something broke inside me... but I didn't hit send. I went to bed.

 The next day I felt better, we had the potluck and the final game of curling. Being around other people all afternoon regarding something fun really helped to lift my spirits.

 I'm not sure what that was, it was emotional and unsettling. I'm okay now so don't be worried. I wanted to write about it on Saturday but just couldn't do it. On Sunday I was not going to mention it at all but then I thought I should write about it, maybe someone else will have the same experience and won't feel like they are the only one. Sometimes it's hard to realize that life doesn't turn out how you wanted it to and that the clock is ticking. Sometimes you also have to realize that you can't always change things... so have a potluck with friends, drink a little wine and forget about it.

Sunday, February 23, 2020

Winter, releasing her grip?

 The last few days have been gorgeous here, sunny and +5 to +7 Celsius or around 42 Fahrenheit. This has been a good winter on average. It's nice to see the snow melting and hearing a few extra birds around. Today is a sure sign that spring is on its way, because better than groundhog day, today was Curling Potluck day! It's the final game of the winter, plus a season end celebration afterwards. When the curling season ends, spring is around the corner lol.

 I can't believe it's over for another year already. Even more unbelievable to me is that this is the end of my second year, time really does fly by. It's a really fun way to pass the winter months and not get cabin fever. Today we mixed up the players and the new team I was on got the highest points, so we were each given $20.

 Afterwards we had a trivia contest using our regular teams, we came in second. The question none of us knew was, "what do they call a stove in England"? The Canadian, American, Australian readers can try and guess the answer. Then finally they said "let's eat"! The food was so good, all types of salads, quiche, meat pie, meatballs, homemade beans, homemade sausage and on and on. Too many dishes to sample, I went back to try a few more but a man needs room for desserts. Those were also amazing and all homemade of course. To drink with it I had wine from a box... lol that sounds so funny to me but it actually wasn't that bad. I'm not really a wine drinker so maybe Dr Spo or William just fainted after reading the "wine in a box" sentence. ;D

 Everything was over by six and we all said our goodbyes for another year. I left my broom behind with the club brooms, that made me a little sad lol, we have been through so much together. I'm not sure where I will be next year so in case I'm no longer playing, someone will be able to get some use out of it. I gathered up my stuff and walked out the area door, it was six o'clock.. and it was still daylight, can't help feeling like... whew we're almost there!

Thursday, February 20, 2020

After party plans.

 Last week another matriarch of the community I live in passed away. It will be odd not to see her out and about, at all the local events. A warm friendly woman with many many interesting stories that will now be lost with her passing. She was widowed at a young age with a business to run and a house full of kids. Now well into her nineties, she was still living at home, still driving her car and still sharp as ever. She died at home with family around her.

 I think that's the best any of us could hope for, to be smart, independent and active at that age. Life takes many sharp turns and we never know what will happen. As an example, I remember my dad and I talking to this woman's daughter when I was a teenager. I remarked to dad later how the daughter was the spitting image of her mother. On the way home, we bumped into the mother and my dad said an old local expression, "you will never be dead as long as your daughter lives". Meaning every time someone looks at the daughter, they will remember the mother. However a few years later, the daughter died of cancer while the mother went on to live another thirty plus years, life is strange like that.

 She lost a couple of her adult children and became the rock for her college aged grandchildren who still needed a little guidance. Even though she was from an older generation, she fiercely loved her gay grandchildren (yeah) equally to her straight grandchildren. She was a kind person, she used to drive around other widowed elderly women so that they wouldn't become isolated. Sad but not sad, she saw a lot of tragedy but at least she got to live her life on her terms until the end.

 Speaking of the end times, some of us were discussing plans for ourselves after we kick the bucket. Since I'm on a cemetery committee, I have become used to these topics. I'm trying to make it as easy as possible for my sister if I go first. When it comes to burial, coffin or cremation, I joke and say, "surprise me"! I guess cremation, that would be the easiest, I'm leaving it up to her, I don't care, she will be the one handling it. I definitely don't want a wake, that's gross.. people staring at my body, creepy. I don't think many people would come. I'm not religious so I say no funeral either. It's up to her, if she wants a little life celebration gathering that's fine. I'm also very offended by funeral homes preying on grieving families and soaking them with extras that cost more than they are worth. I want her to go cheap and save money. I would rather have my sister and her partner toast me on a beach somewhere tropical while enjoying themselves, than buy some tacky pictures or plastic flowers with that awful "Footprints" poem.

 What about you, have you thought about being buried in a coffin, cremated, something else or are you too frightened to think about it? Have you made any funeral plans known to a loved one so that somebody knows your wishes? Happy topic right? Seriously there is no use getting panicked over it, the topic is uncomfortable but it doesn't have to be, life is like a party, sometimes it's good, sometimes great and sometimes not that great, all parties good or bad come to an end however and we need to leave.

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Grey hair. Grey hair? Grey hair!

 Grey hair, it's out there, it's everywhere, it's coming for all of us. I remember in my late thirties starting to find grey hair. I actually thought it was a little cool, I would think to myself, "I'm a mature man". At that age grey hair doesn't feel threatening and the hair was more like a white version of my red hair. I also found that sometimes when I pulled it out (boing) it came back in red. My only real worry was my ever growing bald patch on top. I joked with friends that I didn't worry about snow on the roof, I worried about shingles falling off!

 When I was twenty six and dating my first boyfriend of twenty seven, he was turning a salt and pepper colour of hair. I found it attractive to be honest. Being with someone like that made me feel used to the idea of being grey. My mother is only turning grey now at eighty one, when she started to find grey hair in her seventies, people asked her if she was going to colour her hair. She would always say, "no, because I earned all my grey hair"!

 In my forties I noticed my sideburns getting some silver and white mixed in but that seemed to be mostly it, as far as going grey was concerned. Still didn't bother me and I accepted it as me ageing. Sometimes one grey hair in the wrong place would become a target of my scissors but I mostly over looked them. Again it was the ever expanding solar panel on top that was annoying to me.

 Now however grey hair is a threat to me, it reminds me of my stage in life, it's going to change my appearance and I'm not ready for that. The first time I took note was when I decided to stop shaving two years ago. I sometimes will sport a beard in the late fall or middle of winter. By day three, there seemed to be a lot more blond colour in my beard than I remembered from past years. By day four, I realized it wasn't a blond colour that I was seeing in my beard, it was greying whiskers. I looked like I had been eating powered donuts and got the icing sugar all over my chin. I immediately shaved that sucker off, then crawled into bed in a fetal position while sucking my thumb. I now notice grey in my eyebrows and a man can only pluck so much. I have grey hair, no I mean.. I have GREY HAIR.. aaaaaaah! When I comb my hair, I'm starting to see a lot of grey hair.. and it's not that distinguished looking grey hair, it's old grizzly looking grey hair, like I could scrub pots and pans with it! There goes my plans for a modeling career, oh well. Finding a grey hair now is like seeing a pimple developing just before the high school dance! Aaaah! Lol, just another thing to learn to live with as I plunge rapidly down the hill. No wonder all you old bloggers are so grumpy all the time. :D

Monday, February 17, 2020

Like father, love son.

 Being the nerd that I am, I'm always watching nature shows, first on tv and now on line. I used to watch the crocodile Hunter with Steve Irwin, I enjoyed him but I also found him annoying at times, a bit too hyper active. I also felt he was to invasive of the animal's space, instead of just observing, he would run in and catch whatever it was. Sadly this habit of getting too close is what lead to his early death, time passes and he had been gone over thirteen years already.

 The other day I stumbled on some clips of his son Robert, almost the spitting image of his dad with the same enthusiasm for animals. The clips are actually three years old, Robert is a sweet thirteen year old boy here. My favorite part is Jimmy Fallon being terrified of the animals, lol... big baby! Hope you smile.

Sunday, February 16, 2020

No Thanks news feed, I'm dieting!

 Lately my home page news feed is really letting me down. Those sites are supposed to send you stories that are of interest to you. I'm careful to only open legitimate sites with real news, not the frantic headlines that Meghan Markle broke a fingernail, that way it's supposed to keep track of the type of stories I like to read. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be happening. Nothing annoys me more than stories about some celebrity that's dating/marrying/knocking-up or divorcing some other celebrity, sometimes all in one week!

 Today was the worst, a steady stream of people I have no clue who they are, I don't care what they are doing and I certainly don't give a rat's behind who they were wearing last week at some awards show that I didn't watch. This is not news, this is gossip and gawking, ugh! I don't obsess over the news because that's not healthy either but it's good to be aware of what is happening in the world, which unfortunately most people don't. No wonder everything is in such a mess.

Saturday, February 15, 2020

The meaning of life, your life.

 It's funny how the things we think of as important, change over time. I think of what was important to us in our twenties, thirties and onwards. I text a friend this evening and asked what he was up to. At one time it would have been training for some sports event or getting ready for a big project. Sometimes it was for an extended trip to the other side of the world where he would live for two or more months.

 Tonight the answer is more important than any of the above things mentioned. He became a devoted dad very late in life to a sweet and very clever little girl. The excited answer was, "I'm helping my daughter bake a chocolate cake, the first time I've ever done that in my life!

Friday, February 14, 2020

Valentine's mushy movie night.

 It's Valentine's day, yeah.. have a happy blah blah blah!  No just joking, I'm not against the day, yesterday's post was me having a bit of fun. Some people like this day while some people call this just another Friday. Every year I keep hearing about surveys asking people to name a good Valentine's day movie. Hopefully it has finally changed now but for many years Pretty Woman was voted as the top movie for Valentine's, that makes me ill! Just what every young girl dreams of, leading the glamorous life of a prostitute until one day an extremely rich and handsome man sweeps her off her feet, where they live happily ever after. Like that happens all the time, as if!

 I want to mention my own movie picks for Valentine's this year. I may be watching one this evening because everyone needs a little romance in their life, either on screen or real life. It's a bonus if you have a snuggle partner and can have the best of both worlds.

 First pick is a gay film of course. There are many many good ones out there but I'm going with the latest one that really moved me. "Call Me By Your Name".
 The last time I watched this movie, everyone in blogland asked me what I thought. It moved me in so many different ways I never posted my thoughts, it was too emotional to write about. I wish there was a movie like it when I was younger, although I probably would ignore the message. This time I'm just going to enjoy the relationship between the two men. I never take for granted being able to see myself being represented in film. It just feels wonderful to see our love stories finally.

 My second pick is from the straight world of movies and I love it, I find it romantic. It was released in 1991 and it's called "Dogfight" starring River Phoenix and Lili Taylor (six feet under).

 River stars as a young soldier about to go off to war in Vietnam. On their last nights in town, the young soldiers play a mean trick on certain women. They hold a dance and invite a date but the terrible secret is that it's a contest for the soldiers to bring the ugliest woman and win a prize. River meets Lili who is very plain Jane and also a little eccentric. He takes her out but as he gets to know her, he begins to fall for her, eventually she learns what his initial plans for her were and... well you need to watch the movie.

 It's a good movie and it has River Phoenix in it, he's very handsome here as a young soldier and also did I mention it has River Phoenix in it? Oh River, gone too soon!!! I downloaded these pictures from the IMDb site so these are not my pictures.

 There you have it folks, my Valentine's day movie picks. What about you? Do you have a favorite romantic movie or two? If anyone says Pretty Woman you are getting half eaten chocolates and brown, dried up roses next year!

Thursday, February 13, 2020

Nobody wuvs me :(.. unhappy Valentine's.

  It's a cold, blustery winter's day out here in the middle of nowhere-land. The snow keeps falling and falling, plus constantly drifting. I think the bleak frozen landscape is a metaphor for my love life.

 Tomorrow is Valentine's day, there is nothing more depressing than a day to remind you, that out of seven billion people, not a single one of them wants to be with you. Maybe I'll try to get my tv to work, I could make myself one of those frozen microwave dinners, eat it by candlelight, cry softly to myself while watching "Big Bang Theory" reruns or worse.. "Grey's Anatomy", that should properly ruin the day.

 While deciding which blanket I would sadly wrap myself up in, to console my lonely heart, I saw that I had mail. Ugh! I pulled on my snow battle gear and made the long journey to the mailbox, in waist deep snow, up hill both ways. I opened the mailbox and... and.. what's this!!! A bright red envelope with a heart drawn on it? It's a card??? IT'S A CARD!!! An actual Valentine's day card!!!! Some.. one.. sent.. me.. a.. card!

 It's a cute one too! It says "Do I wish you a happy Valentine's day"? Open the card and, "you bet giraffe I do"! Hahaha! I was really touched.. somebody cares after all, someone was thinking about me :,),, (sniff sniff) maybe Valentine's day is not that bad after all, maybe I'll meet a friend for dinner instead of eating alone, one day spring will come and chase away this snow, life is good.

 Oh, and you may be wondering who the adorable sweetie was that sent the card? The note inside said, "Happy Valentine's day XOXO Maddie. :D

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

When truth dies.

 Today in Canada we got word that columnist/journalist/reporter Christie Blatchford died and that made me extremely sad to hear. She certainly was a force to be around but what I liked about her was that she investigated her stories, she just didn't retype what she read like most lame media does now. She wanted to know the truth even when most people didn't want to hear it and I really respected that. I feel we lost an independent thinker and voice something desperately needed in this day and age. Some people loved her work, others hated it but that's what happens when you stand firm behind what you think is correct, not a lot of strong, intelligent people out there anymore in media.

Monday, February 10, 2020

Whoa I'm peeved!

 Went to go gay bowling this evening, there was only street parking; however there are "no parking" signs everywhere. The city was handing out $75 tickets all day because of the snow yesterday, I don't want one of those.. $75 ouch! I ended up driving around and around and around looking for a spot, I'm not familiar with the area.

 I had to be there by 6:15 and my watch said 6:35, I tried a couple of different side streets, no luck. There were "no parking signs on the same poles as parking signs, WTF? I was boiling by this point, I suddenly realized that I was too late, now I was no longer interested in going. I just said "f# off Ottawa, no wonder everyone thinks this city is a joke!" City council would love nothing more than to completely remove all cars from Ottawa, they want everyone to ride their bikes to work at -31. I'm really peeved.. well actually peeved is not the word! I don't understand why people can't hold things in easy accessible areas. I just gave up. I'm going to eat now.

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Are you lonely?

 First, let me just clarify that I wasn't complaining about the warmer than usual temperatures over the last few weeks, just in case some weather gremlins happen to be reading this post. Last night was "EEEEK" degrees in wake up temperature, or -31 Celsius.. -23.8 Fahrenheit in normal people language. I'm not going out until April!

 Very disappointing considering that Winter Pride was this week. I missed out on everything due to bad weather. Not that upsetting really, most things were geared towards younger people or didn't really hold a lot of interest for me. I think there is a Parade today but I have other plans so I'm not going to be there. Anyway at -31 it's not like I'm going to get to see skin, at that temperature, things could snap off!
Baby it's cold outside, this is the only moon you will get to see! Silent night, frozen night?

 Are you lonely? This morning I was listening to the radio and they were talking about loneliness, a woman emailed and said she moved here six months ago and is incredibly lonely because she doesn't know anyone. I get that, to be honest I'm lonely most of the time, it's one of the reasons for being on here. It's also another reason I would like to have a boyfriend, I would enjoy the companionship.

 The radio host did some research into the effects of loneliness and what she discovered shocked her. The effects of years of loneliness can be equivalent to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day, it shortens your life span, she said people who are alone and feel lonely, have a 26% higher chance of developing Alzheimer's or dementia, (that scared me). Naturally these people also have much higher chances of developing mental health issues like anxiety and depression. She said more and more people are reporting they feel extremely lonely, she also noted that it used to be mostly elderly people but that now younger and younger people are saying they feel lonely.

 She then went on to talk about ways to try and combat this. That's the part I find really frustrating, people say they are lonely but don't want to spend one ounce of effort in trying to combat it. Fore example, I joined some social groups to get out more often, I felt I needed to take charge of my sparse social life. Some of the groups are LGBTQ community groups and some are not. Even though the groups may have a thousand people in them, I can't tell you how many times events have been cancelled because only three or four people signed up to go.

 I think people are sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring, thinking that at any minute Brad Pitt or maybe Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are going to call "hey Mildred/Doug/Bernice, what are you doing tonight, want to hang out?" That's never going to happen so Mildred, Doug and Bernice should accept that and plan on getting together themselves for a movie night... but they won't. They will say that they are too busy but then will watch tv all evening. Other people claim to be lonely but want to argue with every point upon meeting new friends and end up driving them away. I remember my sister and her friend staying at a small boarding house for girls when they first moved to the city. There was a young woman there who complained about no one wanting to be friends with her. My sister and her friend tried to include this woman as much as possible in any social activities they did. After awhile they gave up, it was like a job trying to include her and she was completely uncompromising with activities. Some people need to realize they are isolating themselves.

  Everyone is always marching around taking selfies and not wanting to meet with actual people. Nobody has time to stay connected but they have lots of time to watch hours and hours of programs on Netflix and think this is some great accomplishment. People thump their chest exclaiming they are their own best friend; however when a radio host asks if you are lonely, her switch board lights up with dozens and dozens of people saying yes, "yes I'm lonely".

Saturday, February 8, 2020

I say, $6.79 well spent!

 I was in a local discount store two weeks ago (Giant Tiger) and buying the usual things that I needed. I saw bird seed on sale for $6.79 a large bag. I had the choice between the yucky seed that nobody wants with a few sunflower seeds added in.. or a full bag of sunflower seeds which all the birds love around here. It was a good deal so I bought it. I don't believe in feeding wild birds for many many reasons, including bringing too many birds into one area. However it was the end of January, all the wimpy birds have left, only the real hardy ones remain and they are the local birds.

My main target is the Black-capped Chickadees, so so cute! A friend's son once said to me, "aww cute, they look like tiny Killer whales."I lifted this picture from another blog, so not my picture! I also have a devious plot afoot, I place sunflower seeds on the window ledges to attract the chickadees, then on warmer days, they catch the flies trying to get into the house, muahaha! I scatter the seeds in different places, this way everyone gets a chance. Besides the chickadees, I get Blue Jays, Buntings, some little grey birds, squirrels and even the odd crow. Everyone is hungry at this time of year.

 Today I had some interesting visitors come to the sunflower seeds, I didn't even know they would eat sunflower seeds.
 It's Lassie... my little Fox pup! You may remember her from fall pictures, eating the fallen apples. She looks great! I knew she was still around, I saw her tracks in the snow. The above picture is her playing on a snow bank, she was hopping around like young animals do.

 Lass was with another Fox, you can't see from this angle but the other Fox is much larger. I'm thinking she found a mate and they are pairing up for spring. Unless it's a parent but I don't think they would be that friendly now. I think a parent fox would try to drive her away now.

 The camera makes them look far away but they are quite close to the house. Kitty is in the barn but I have seen them in the yard together and they ignore each other so that's good. I don't mind foxes around because they are very hard on mice and other pests, plus I no longer have small animals. I haven't been able to get any good bird pictures because country birds are skittish and bolt at any movement. They do however really chatter happily when they see me out with food, that's a warm feeling. I think entertainment wise, this was the best $6.79 I ever spent.

Friday, February 7, 2020

Don't tell me what I experienced!

 A high school friend and I had a bit of a disagreement this afternoon and I'm slightly offended. This is all Sixpence's fault, he started the argument. Joking aside, I was reading Sixpence's blog regarding being bullied in high school because he was too fabulous for the stupid people. I wasn't bullied for being gay, I was picked on for small size and not doing that well in sports, which was bad enough, I would certainly never tell anyone that I was gay and have that added in as well.

 I was discussing this with my friend and saying how ashamed I am with myself for taking part in name calling of a student that clearly fit the stereotype of a gay person for those times. He had no memory of the incidents. I reminded him that this poor guy's bus came in last every morning and when this poor kid would walk through the school cafeteria to the locker room, the guys would start shouting fag, queer, gay boy and calling his own name in a lispy voice. This happened almost every morning. I feel it's a wonder he didn't attempt suicide.

 My friend has no memory of this happening, I thought that odd but then on the other hand I would see it differently than he would since I'm gay and he isn't. He asked me if he ever took part, since he is a really sweet guy now, I didn't want to shock him so I said it was a long time ago. He understood what I was doing but then tried to imply that he always had an open mind, even regarding gay people and that I must be remembering it wrong. What I didn't tell him (and now I know he would never believe me) was that, he was one of the most vocal in our age group. Woke??? Unless woke was spelled h.o.m.o.p.h.o.b.i.c back in the eighties I don't think that term would apply.

 When he said that he didn't trust my memory that something like that happened, I reminded him that it was probably nothing to him; however I was sitting there thinking, "holy sheet" I'm never going to let this anti gay mob find out the truth about me! Those incidents were burning themselves into my memory. I don't think a person just makes something like that up in their head! Yes our memories do play tricks on us over time but there is a huge difference between, was it fifteen guys shouting at one poor kid or twenty guys shouting, versus that never happened, we just sat there quietly waiting for the bell to ring.

 That really started to rub me the wrong way. I can forgive anything my friends said or did back then, we were kids, it was a different time, even almost a different culture, heck I didn't even know what gay really was. It's water under the bridge, I dealt with it long ago, I didn't hold any grudges. However don't tell me that I didn't experience that, don't tell me that I didn't hear my own friends say really hurtful homophobic things.. because you can't handle the truth that you were not always an open minded guy. You weren't St.Tolerance of Liberal land, just deal with it and move on. I asked him does he not think there was a reason I felt I couldn't tell him until later in life about myself. I can forgive all the past sins regarding homophobia especially with my friends... but I draw the line at whitewashing my experiences as a gay kid just so someone can feel better about themselves, I don't think I can forgive that.

Thursday, February 6, 2020

A few minutes left.

 I only have a few minutes to get in a post by midnight. Hmmm, let me think of something.

 Here it goes... at every level of government, we elect people that for the most part, we wouldn't want running a company that we invested heavily in. There.. how is that for last minute thoughts!!! That just shows the poor choices of people we usually have at elections, it's not the best person that we pick, it's the least incompetent of the bunch that we usually get stuck with.

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

When 100 = 0, new math?

 Yesterday I decided to do a little shopping, the local grocery store (local is 35 minutes away) had closed a few days ago, only to reopen across the street in a larger, more modern facility. The place looks great and the selection is as good as anything in the city. The prices however were not that great, the sales there have a catch. A loaf of bread can be $2.50 to $3:00.. but only if you buy two or three loaves. I'm single, I can't eat that much bread! I know that I can freeze it or put it in the fridge but the taste gets lost. A single loaf of bread is $3:90, no thanks I have an alternative, same with things like celery, two for $5, I can barely use up one bunch of celery, what am I supposed to do with two or three bunches? There are only so many different soups and sauces a person can make.

 The cost of things today is crazy, a hundred dollars at one time was a huge amount of money to have in your pocket, now it's almost similar to having $25 back in the eighties. I know it's natural for prices to rise but it sure seems unnatural for salaries to rise. Yesterday I went there with two $50 bills in my wallet, I wanted to break them so I decided to use cash instead of a debit card. I did buy some items at the grocery store, they had fresh fruit and vegetables so I picked up some. The bill, $20.. well not so bad. With the new grocery store, also came a new gas station, very convenient as there was no station for 30 minutes either way, plus the price is almost the same as in the city. I was below half a tank so I filled my car up.. another $20, again not that bad. I stopped at a discount store, they have groceries and other things. I bought bread and some other items at a much better price than the grocery store, my phone rang, "hello?"
"Meow meow meow, me,ewe me,ewe meow!"
 "Okay Kitty I'll check, I know you're low on Whiskas, and yes I'll try to get the beef or chicken.. and I absolutely promise not to buy seafood flavored or meow mix or no-name brand cat food". [Click] I really need to get the phone away from her! Anyway I also bought a pair of long underwear, one of my favorite pair died around the waist band and became leg warmers every time I wore them. They're probably twenty years old so they paid for themselves. I paid for my items.. $38.

 It would be late by the time I got home so I decided to pick something up to eat, another $12 for a total of $90 spent in a few minutes. When I got home I took everything out of my environmentally friendly grocery bags and placed them on the counter. It's surprising how little you get for $90 these days. Spending $60 at the grocery store used to give you quite a few bags of groceries, now it's a couple of cans of soup, some fruit, veggies maybe a box or two of cereal and a package of chicken breasts.

I broke my 50s alright, I think I broke the bank lol, I have $10 left, I drove away wondering what happened to my money! I have to do better at watching my money. I still have a large freezer full of food, I could get away without buying actual food for a long time. I have been getting into my spaghetti sauce, homemade soups and stews lately. There are a lot of emergency goodies in there as well, such as frozen pizza, I just add a few extras to make them better and voila, a delicious pizza. Now however my difficult task will be convincing someone that seafood flavor kibble on sale, is just as good as beef flavored.

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Broken hearted. Giving up my child.

 Last night I had the most bizarre dream. I was in my late thirties and one of my closest friends was a woman around the same age. Not that unusual for me except in real life.. I have never seen this woman before! Yet in the dream she meant a lot to me.

 Also in the dream, apparently we were both getting comfortable with our sexuality but still had curiosities. One weekend while I was staying over at her place, we drank a little too much, got a little too comfortable with each other and it eventually led to sex. Having not planned for the situation, I didn't use protection. The dream was taking place in offices, they were legal/medical combination type offices and I was asked to come down there by my friend's lawyer. She had become pregnant from our night together and decided it was best to place the child up for adoption, they needed me to sign off.

 I suppose you people will think I'm about to laugh at this and make jokes about it.. but I can't. Like I have mentioned before, my dreams are very vivid, very emotional, very real. The feelings were very intense, very draining. If I could only write books as believable as I can dream, I would be famous.

 Back to my dream, I was a bit shell shocked but knew this day was coming, I wanted to do the right thing. I was told a nice couple were adopting the baby and wanted everything to go smoothly, they were afraid of me trying to claim the baby later on. I felt since the mother had put so much effort into preparing a better life for her baby, the least I could do was just sign my name.

 After signing, it really hit me, I just signed away my child. I asked if I'm allowed to know, boy or girl? They said, "boy" and I thought, "I have a son.. I just signed away my son". I was trying not to cry but was failing, (I was soaking my pillow in real life). There was a doctor there and she was compassionate towards my feelings, other people were annoyed with me, I assume they worried that I may change my mind. I said half embarrassed to the doctor, "just the one time that I make a slip up and look at the seriousness of the results". She was trying to be comforting but also driving home a point, she said something kind to me but also implied to be more careful in the future and that I'm an adult, not an uninformed teenager. I walked out thinking I just gave up my one chance at being a dad but I knew I had to think of the baby more, I needed to give him a good chance in life, I needed to do right by him.

 I woke up in tears, I couldn't believe that I had done something so stupid late in life, I had been so smart earlier on. I wondered if my son would resent me, maybe even hate me. As I was sitting up, ashamed, upset, grieving, drained, exhausted, embarrassed and in tears, the fog began to lift and suddenly. Wait.. I'm no longer thirty (shhht), I don't know any woman who looks like that, I've never even had sex with a woman! I don't have a kid! A huge sense of relief came over me, I DIDN'T CREATE A HORRIBLE MESS! Seriously where does this come from! That's emotional self torture, I think that I have enough on my plate without feeling broken hearted over a non existing child. Then I felt white hot anger towards whatever part of my brain runs these very detailed nightmares. I mumbled out loud, "aaah you!"

Monday, February 3, 2020

Like winning the lottery.

 I'm not one to gamble, I have enjoyed myself at a few casinos but to be honest, it's usually at the dessert buffet where you find me enjoying myself. I go in with a spending limit in mind so there is no pressure to try and win. I haven't gone in about nine years, I also quit playing any lotteries long ago. There were some good ones for only a dollar so I felt it didn't hurt to try, I considered it part of my entertainment dollars.

 The odds of winning are staggering, you have a greater chance of enjoying a Grey's Anatomy episode than winning the lottery. I began to take note of these odds when the price of lottery tickets started to rise. I also noticed the odds, when I ran a group at work for five years. There were about thirty of us and the most we ever won was $40. All winnings went back into buying extra tickets and it never helped. Lottery tickets went from $1 to $2 and then to $5, that's crazy, I slammed the door shut regarding buying anymore tickets. I know politicians giggle and call lotteries a tax on stupid people, or a tax on the poor so they are not getting a penny more out of me. People at work try to get me to join their groups, one person said, "you never know what tomorrow will bring". I said, "yes I do, tomorrow you will be back here at work and I will still have my five dollars".

 Never has my way of thinking become more clear to me as on the weekends. Each week when curling is finished, everyone gathers in the arena bar. We talk about missed shots, perfect shots, never reaching our Olympic dreams (lol) and compare stats. During this time they hold a 50/50 draw to raise funds for the arena upkeep. I always buy tickets, they are $5 but I get an afternoon out and so it's only fair to support the building needs. This is my second year and I have never won which is not unusual; however I sometimes feel that the lottery gods are taunting me!

 Last year for example, one week Margaret won the draw, then the next week she won again to everyone's laughter, the following week as they announced the winning number, we heard Margaret say.. "Oh no". All everyone could do was laugh, Margaret was embarrassed and called for another ticket to be pulled. However we all agreed that the way the numbers are picked, are completely transparent and she won fair and square, so she deserved the money. The following week when the numbers were pulled, nobody seemed to have the winning ticket, we all looked at Margaret who then nervously checked her ticket, with a huge sigh of relief she said it wasn't her and everyone burst out laughing. When it quieted down, from the end of the tables we heard, "it's me, I have the winning ticket". We all starred in disbelief as Mike... Margaret's husband held up the winning ticket!

 The odds of that happening are unbelievable and yet it happened. There are only around thirty people each week that play, so I should have a shot at winning but I never will, I'm not lucky, nobody in my family ever wins something like this. The Margaret story is not the only oddity, each week last year and this year the freak show continues. One week a woman will win, the following week her adult daughter will win, followed by either a husband winning or son in-law. Many people will win twice in a row. Last week and this week, they had guest players, people that are trying curling for the first time, to see if they would like to join. Both the person last week and the person this week on their first day playing won. Each person gets three tickets for $5, some people buy $10 worth and still don't win. It shows me that it's all a matter of bizarre luck, mostly however it shows me that if I can't win out of thirty people, what chance of winning out of 30 million  people do I have!

Saturday, February 1, 2020

It's Febbie berry.

 Wow.. it's Febrawary, Febraberry, Febrewary, it's the month after January already! February, the other bone chilling month, it's like January and February are a wrestling team that tag each other in to break you. I have to be honest and say this winter has been mild so far. Things can still happen, temperatures can still drop but we hit the halfway point so that still gives me piece of mind.

 I'm going to hit you with an odd question so feel free to NOT answer if you have no thoughts. A friend and I have been discussing some books, very much in nerd territory. I asked him... and now I will ask you.. just for some thoughts.

 I said that I wonder how long humans will last. I said I wonder if humans will still be here in a thousand years. If yes, will we be advanced people, living in harmony with nature,(because we finally learned we had to)? Driving electric cars, having wind and solar energy for our homes and other inventions not even dreamed of yet, or will we be basically tribes again, wandering around trying to survive after years of terrible wars, runaway diseases and extreme weather disasters?

 What do you think, in a thousand years will we be extinct, advanced or regressed? Explanations are welcomed. As for myself, at one time I would have said advanced, now I'm just not so sure anymore.