Monday, August 19, 2019

Chihuahua sized Rottweiler.

 In this dawning age of the "bully", I'm beginning to feel like a kid in high school again. I have been watching how there has been an increase in homophobic incidents over the last couple of years, it's beginning to feel even more uncomfortable out there. I hate the feeling of being helpless, I hate the fact that nature seems to under equip many gay people for the oncoming battle. Fight or flight, I learned at a young age to back down, not only was I not aggressive like most boys, I was always half the size of my friends for that age. I was even a target for younger children, they knew that they could bully me and if I fought back, well I was considered acting shameful for hurting a younger person.

 Sixpence has been running some great posts regarding negative attitudes towards the LGBTQ community. I half jokingly commented to him, that I often feel like a Rottweiler in the body of a Chihuahua. I'm still a lot smaller than the average man. I remember being intimidated while watching hockey players come out on the ice after I was finished curling, one day last winter. These guys were huge, they were strong and they were very aggressive towards each other, if one decided to attack me, there would be no way to defend myself and I hate that feeling.

 Yesterday, here in Ottawa (of all places), there was a fun day planned for families with small children, it was story time, children's books read out loud to them by... wait for it.. drag queens! I thought that was hilarious! Many young families brought their children out to teach them about diversity. Over a hundred people show up and everyone was having a great time until a Christian group stood up and started yelling and protesting the event. They said it was perverted and child abuse. Now who would know better about sexually abusing children than a Christian church.

 This infuriated me, I have been feeling so angry inside and helpless at the same time because if I was there, what could I do. It's upsetting also when you realize that in the Ottawa area, these people are mobilizing, they are starting to show up at LGBTQ events. That's not homophobia, that's just raw hatred, targeted towards us. Maybe Anne Coulter was right when she said, "we should kill their leaders and convert them", only in this case it would be convert them to atheism and apply it to all right-wing religions. I'm tired of them trying to shove their hocus pocus on the rest of us. Enough with trying to play along with their make believe stories. We don't go to their church and start screaming about child abuse.

 I used to say that I respect people's religious beliefs, well I don't anymore, frankly I think most are stupid and they  better respect me enough to keep it out of my face. I'm going to end this here before I say something that I will regret.

Saturday, August 17, 2019

What am I watching?

  What are you watching, I often see that question on the net these days. I guess because now people have so many choices, with the internet and satellite tv, that the answer is as diverse as are people. I don't watch tv anymore, I find it boring, very cliche, predictable. I think every scenario has been played out over and over, nothing surprises me much these days. Even when a new series looks promising, I find that soon I will be disappointed, the writers will fall back into the usual story lines.

 I woke up early this morning, 4:30... and couldn't get back to sleep, it was still dark out until almost six. I broke my "no drinking coffee" rule and settled down to watch the view. What am I watching, this is my Saturday morning show.

 The moon getting ready to set, with the soft sound of crickets as her lullaby.

 The morning fog suddenly forming over the fields.

 My flowers, glistening from the dew, silent now but getting ready for the day's busy bee activities.

 A mother deer, safely nibbling clover around the buildings. She acts casual but I know her secret, she keeps her fawn in the long grass around the barns, even though she doesn't trust me, she knows I keep the bad things away.

 The fog, lifting to quickly escape before the sun rises and dissipates it.

 On its way to becoming.. a cloud? Rising out of the earth and floating away, reminds me a little, of a squiggly caterpillar becoming a beautiful butterfly.

 I finish my coffee, the sounds of daytime are beginning. I should get going, I have important plans to ignore and procrastinate on.

 Have a good day people. What are you watching?

Thursday, August 15, 2019

Then vs now.

 Today marks the 50th anniversary of Woodstock, no of course I wasn't around to take part in it but many of you older folks probably remember when it was happening. I have over the years watched many documentaries about it, looks like a blast or at least the aging baby boomers want us to think that. I remember my parents being horrified by the same documentaries, they felt it was people channeling their inner piggy. Running around half naked in the mud, dancing, laughing, drinking, having sex, "mommy, daddy, you keep saying that like it's a bad thing"? Except the drugs, I was never impressed with drugs, all the potheads around where I lived were weird, I never wanted to be part of that crowd.

 I can't help think of the contrast between then and now. A festival, thrown together in a farmer's field, some really cool performers who loved music and who also felt it important to speak out on issues, came together to create a historic moment in music. Sure, many people went there to just have fun but it became bigger than just a concert.

 Compare that to today, people tried to recreate the moment, however in my opinion, it was with the idea of cashing in on a memory and not about the spirit of the original concert. They didn't secure a site, they had a line up of people, some who play a computer program and not instruments, some top forty pop singer types, the kind of people I feel, would be more worried about parking their limousine or having sparkling water shipped in. It just seemed a disaster in the making even though they had fifty years to plan it. After the usual bureaucracy, red tape or whatever piled up, the event fell through and was cancelled. That speaks volumes about the competence or maybe dedication of people today. I'm not into county music but maybe they should have asked for advice from the country music festival types, they know how to get things done, plus they still play real instruments at those festivals.

 I found it sad but to be honest, I don't think too many of the original festival goers would be able to take part, so it's not like that crowd was let down. I think it's best to let it go, just look back and think "wow". I watched a clip that gave me the "warm and fuzzies" there is that iconic picture of a young couple hugging, wrapped in a blanket. They tracked the people down and "melt in your mouth sweetness", they were a young dating couple who eventually got married and are still together today. You can watch the clip below if you like. Peace everyone!

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Hearing a parent's voice when you speak.

 As we get older, how many times do we say something and then think, "mom/dad used to always say that"! Often it becomes a joke, a friend will shout a warning, then say, "oh I sounded just like mom there, I always said that I would never do that". I actually don't see the big deal, as long as you didn't have abusive parents, they got you this far and to be honest, many times.. they were right.

 Tomorrow is the fifteenth of August already, unbelievably some schools are back in session. The fall fairs are advertising for people to come and enjoy them, the nights here are cool with crickets chirping. I remarked to a friend about this, saying summer is almost over, when it hit me, I sound just like mom!!!

 We used to hate it when she would lament about the approaching fall. We would get mad at her, "awe mom stop ruining summer, there's lots of time left".  Now I understand her, I see why she felt that way. Why she would keep pointing it out on the calendar. Mom hated winter with a passion, she found it lonely and isolating. To a child enjoying summer, two or three weeks left was an eternity, fall couldn't touch us, even better, school couldn't find me, it was a world away. For an adult hating the thoughts of fall, we know just two more weekends and Boom!!! Summer is over, there's nothing to stop winter now.

 I feel that tug as well now, in the fall I always have the feeling that I should be leaving for somewhere. I'm envious of my godparents, they both have good pensions and retired early. As soon as Halloween arrives, they hug us goodbye and return in the spring. I always try to fight off the fall blues, I concentrate on the good aspects of fall which mom would stubbornly never do. Fast forward to today, I know if mom was well, she would laugh and gloat, "see what I mean now"?

 I also heard myself saying something mom used to say. Someone was making negative comments about homeless people and how they are always begging for money at the stop lights. How they wanted to tell them, "get a job, lazy bum". I commented that I thought the person was being mean, that it's more about mental illness than just being lazy. Then I said a warning mom used to always give me, "that's someone's brother, sister, son or daughter, how would you feel if it was a family member of yours being made fun of"? The person said, "yeah, you're right, it was was mean of me". Thanks mom.

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Eye need new glasses.

 I have been procrastinating about getting new glasses, I damaged my old pair and have been using a really old pair for the last two years. I also needed my eyes examined, it's my inability to make a decision that let it get this far. I kept thinking that I might try laser eye surgery but I am hesitant to do anything regarding the eyes. One of my aunts keeps going blind, she has had three implants but they stop working after a year and it's painful to see a once active woman, look defeated, I don't want to go down that road unnecessarily.

 I had an appointment yesterday, everything seems fine, I was a little worried as I noticed some differences in vision. He said my vision regarding distance probably won't change much as I get older. Yes the doctor was a male... and yes he was attractive. He had slightly greying hair but I like that, I could tell he is probably close to my age but still has a young look to him. He was friendly and explained everything really well.

 Then came the hard part, picking out a frame, they were having a two for one special so I got a pair of sunglasses as well. Picking out a frame is so hard because it's not like a hat that you don't like later on, your mistake will be on your face every day, you can't leave your glasses at home if you don't like them. I got tired of looking and picked a frame that is not too obvious, the trend of the retro style with large frames looks good on some guys but not me.

 I went shopping after to give my eyes time to recover from the drops. The optometrist said that it's a cloudy day so I should be fine. As soon as I stepped outside, the sun came out full force and I imagine that's what an owl must feel like.

 I went into a nearby candy shop and thought of Debra "She who seeks" right away, they had candy unicorns! So I bought some... because that's what gay people do, it's a calling. They came in all pretty pretty colours lol.
To be honest the taste is something that I would describe as being, "acquired" to put it politely. I went to a nice restaurant and treated myself to a good dinner.

 After dinner I went to do a little more shopping for things I needed.  People kept staring at me startled or surprised, giving me strange looks. I checked myself out in a mirror to see if I had food on my face, lol it was because of the drops, I forgot, instead of this : ) people were seeing this O_O  they must have thought I was high on drugs or a vampire. It made me think of a cat at night.

 They said the sunglasses take longer, up to four weeks, which is too bad because I would have liked to have them for pride so that I would look cool.. while everyone ignores me. My procrastinating was always an issue. Just last week I finally got my kindergarten project done!

Monday, August 12, 2019

Observations from a chip stand.

 Yesterday on my way home from visiting mom, I stopped at a local chip stand, or as some say french fry stand. This place has been there since I can remember, it's not a chip wagon, it's an actual building but you eat outside. When we were kids it was a huge treat to go there. As owners changed there was less effort put into the taste of the food,  it was just a business to them, eventually I stopped going and spent years just driving by. That changed four years ago when a woman who is a foodie took over. I'm not a fan of fries but I like hers, everything she makes has an added touch. The place is as popular now as back in "the day", she had to extend her hours and stays open until October, unlike the previous owners who closed on the long weekend in September. I'm glad her extra efforts paid off.

 I didn't feel like cooking (or doing dishes) when I got home so I decided to stop there. I try not to eat unhealthy food but I figured this was my Sunday treat. Sitting in the eating area allowed me to "people watch", this is one of my favorite past times. The first person I noticed was a woman who pulled in, she was trying to figure out the best way to park, the parking lot is not clearly defined but most people try to be efficient with the space they take up. Just as it seemed she had a perfect spot and was about to shut the engine off, she would put it in drive again and shift her car around. Finally after, literally about four or five minutes she timidly got out and went to place her order. I take note because I think all these little behaviors, tells me something about their personality.

 Next was a nice looking couple with young girls, while waiting for their food the girls giggling climbed onto rocking horses designed for much, much younger children. They were laughing as they really put stress on the toys. The parents just looked at them, you could tell the father wanted to say something but he didn't. The children trained him and the mother to stay quiet, never to challenge them, that's what I feel. It would have taken my dad one angry glance and I would be off.

 As I was eating, a young family sat down at the table beside me. In my head I was thinking, "wow kids your daddy is hot"! Actually the family was gorgeous, both the husband and wife were very photogenic, the little girls were cute. I couldn't help it, I totally checked out the guy. He had major cute daddy butt, his shorts and polo shirt fit very very nicely, handsome face as well, just an all around dilf! They were quiet people that spoke politely to each other, which is nice. There is nothing more annoying than a loud family with bratty kids climbing on everything, when you're trying to eat. Usually they keep looking around to see if they have an audience, no thanks I don't want to be part of your low-class show!

 A very nicely dressed woman in a beautiful suv pulled in. She asked if they took debit, they said unfortunately no, keep in mind this is out in the countryside so it's not always easy for a business to get access to that technology. I found it interesting as she was trying to find money in her car, enough to buy at least a large fry. She probably never had to worry about money, she probably hasn't used actual money in years, until one day when she doesn't have internet access, suddenly she can see what it feels like to not have enough for what she wants. She sheepishly placed her order, as if embarrassed by not having money.

 I love when people don't act the way you expect. Another young couple with a little boy and girl, were eating in front of me. The kids were adorable, sweet little munchkins that reminded me of two little kittens. They were dressed to suit their looks, which was surprising because the parents were biker gang looking. Kind of scary looking, scruffy beard, tattoos, piercings, "punch you in the face demeanor" and the husband had the same look about him. They were very loving and attentive towards their children, which shouldn't have surprised me but I battle my own stereotypes. When they finished they decided to get ice cream for dessert. The kids asked for chocolate and I listened as the parents ordered for themselves. I was expecting something like whisky flavored ice cream or at least maple walnut. The mother asked for bubble gum flavoured ice cream and the father asked for cotton candy flavoured ice cream. I am not kidding when I say his dessert looked like a gay pride day, ice cream cone! Her cone was a bright neon blue, the happy colours really clashed with their anarchy attire. I thought that was the high point of my people watching adventure.

 My last observation was that I must listen to my body, a little voice kept saying, "Steven, it's almost six, it's too late for you to eat greasy fast food and drink a pop, just go home, you're not twenty five anymore". Didn't listen but should have.. burp.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

What does the label say?

  This is an adult only post, warning strong language and sexual content will follow. You should probably click away if you are not comfortable with this topic. There, I warned the innocent people, just in case. These are some of my rambling thoughts, while reading items regarding LGBTQ issues. You must however agree with everything I say.. everything. Just kidding.

 Straight is the new gay... sorry, no it's not. I find it almost comical how a lot of the younger guys insist that they are straight, while at the same time it's difficult to understand what they are saying with a penis in their mouth. I guess a gay or bisexual man, is still a second class man in their eyes, why else reject the label. They still see it as a weakness I assume. When I talk to actual straight guys about this, they just shake their heads and laugh.

 For straight men, their goal is to have sex with women, they said even if they are having a dry spell, they would be inclined to find an older woman or a less attractive woman, it's just not in their mind to think about being with another guy. Most said if worse came to worse, they might try an escort but never another guy. Real straight guys don't tense up from these questions because real straight guys are not hiding something or in denial about something. They usually just shrug their shoulders and say, "nothing against gay people, it's just not how I am". For the gay men into the fantasy of being with a "straight" guy, before you jump on me, think in reverse, many of you have a close female friend that would sleep with you, how often have you done that? I know personally I couldn't, it never crosses my mind when I'm thinking about sex. Anyway, youth is short, call yourself what ever you want and have fun with each other, don't worry about labels... but you're not straight.. ha!

 I find that the younger generation is so worried about not being a label, that they have hyper labeled themselves. When I read about local LGBTQ events, I get confused by the person's identity. On one hand they start lecturing people about labels and then they proceed to put a multitude of labels on themselves. I find I'm doing a google search half the time to understand what they identify themselves as.

 Stop the bi-phobia, there has always been a mistrust towards bisexual people and a dismissive attitude towards them on both the homosexual and heterosexual sides of society. I have heard people say, "pick a side". I'm always disappointed with gay people, if anyone, we should be more understanding. It's basically saying that you are either a damaged straight person or damaged gay person and you should get back to your group. I have met a few bisexual men and they certainly were not confused, they like both and have always know it. There is a movement to wipe out the bisexual label apparently, they want everyone to be called pansexual. The way I understand it, some people look down on bisexual people because many are attracted to the stereotypical male and female, where pansexuals are attracted to the typical male and female types, plus everything in between the spectrum. They feel bisexual people are discriminatory in choosing a partner because they may not be attracted to transgender or non binary people.

 I find this completely ridiculous, your sexuality is your sexuality, that would be like saying I'm discriminating against women because I'm gay and only attracted to men or I'm discriminating against transgender people because I am not attracted to MTF people. I have written about being attracted to FTM transgender people, it's not something I chose on purpose to be more accepting or politically correct, it's just the way my sexuality works, I have no control over it. I can't help who I'm attracted to, neither can bisexual people. It seems like the younger generation is so worried about being tolerant that they have become intolerant. It's becoming a joke, let's celebrate diversity as long as everyone's diversity is exactly like mine.

Saturday, August 10, 2019

Rainy Saturday.

 It's a very wet Saturday but that's perfectly fine, we could use some rain. The weather network has been calling for rain all week; however it never materialized until yesterday. We've had dark clouds, winds, thunder and lightning all week but no rain. All the fields are brown, walking across the lawn is like walking across tacos with all the crunching. Yesterday seems to have broken the dry spell. We had a storm around five and it rained heavily. This morning was the same.

A welcome sight, everything was getting thirsty. I was watering the garden and flowers but it's never the same as a good soaking rain. Unfortunately for today that meant the temperature has really dropped, we are in the sixties Fahrenheit or around seventeen Celsius. I suspect this may be one reason for the rain, cold air can't hold as much moisture the way warm air can.

 Rainy days allow me to stay in and not feel guilty. I can tidy up the house, go through old papers and see what I don't need to keep any more, laundry, maybe vacuum.. maybe.

  Best of all it's been doing this off and on all day, with no bad storms. This is actually enjoyable, I like the sound of a good rain, as if the earth is taking a shower. I like the smell of rain, that fresh scent. Hopefully it will rain most of the night, the parched earth needs the drink.

Friday, August 9, 2019

Wait August, slow down!

 One of the signs that summer is coming to a close for us, is a heavy dew at night. I noticed it this morning along with the other usual signs of nature preparing for the big sleep.

 Tomorrow will be the tenth of August already! Slow down August! To be honest, I found July went by slowly so I didn't feel like summer was whizzing past, until now that is. I see it's still dark at five in the morning, the birds stopped singing in the morning as well. At night it's silent, no frogs, no tree toads just silence. I imagine the crickets will take over soon. Last night I walked outside barefoot and was surprised by how cold the ground felt. Lately the ground has been warm, even hot in some places. The inevitable is coming, no use denying it.

 I have been reading about the events happening at pride. I suddenly feel too old to be gay lol, everything seems geared towards youth. In fairness, they are much more likely to come and take part. Most of the older gay people I know who are forty plus, don't bother going anymore. I can understand the reasons but I feel this year maybe people better speak out again because the bigots have found their voices!

 I was going to try and get James to go with me but I changed my mind, I think it would be like taking a grandparent with me. He has lived thirty minutes from the parade all his life and never went once, it's not my duty to make him go. Nobody I know is going, that's upsetting because nothing is worse than standing there alone. I'm thinking of putting a sign on my back, "husband wanted" if nothing else, it will sure get attention. This is so typical of me to show up alone, I've been doing this my whole life. There are some people that would probably go with me but they're boring. I can just hear them, "oh that music is too loud" or "oh no I never dance", "I'm not interested in seeing drag Queens, watching gay dj's spin records, sitting around all day waiting for a parade, having fun, oh heavens no... I'm totally against that", so I will probably end up going alone. However I am not so shy anymore, I will speak to strangers, maybe I will meet people. I'm also interested in seeing if anyone from work will be there, that would be funny, I have a whole string of smart ass comments to use. My strange life however will be the following, I will go and see hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of total strangers... but that's ok, I'm used to it.

Thursday, August 8, 2019

Random photos & thoughts

 Did you know that onions flower? They will if you leave them a second year. I didn't pull all the onions out before the ground froze last fall, some came back up. They will divide and flower but you are supposed to stop it. I let someone flower, just because they have cool flowers.

 Washing machine massacre!!! I posted before about not wanting to throw out comfy clothes items, this includes hats. I decided to try washing one of my favorite caps. I have washed it in the past but this cap is really old. It was my Dad's special cap, he would only wear it to go to a country fair or something along those lines. When he died, I took it and wore it to work every day until it turned yellow and became worn out looking. It didn't survive the wash. :(

 Thanks to everyone's tips, I made perfect bacon! Crispy and delicious, I am a master at making bacon. All the years of burning it and nobody told me the secret! Anyway now I can do a breakfast and not be worried about my bacon.

 Speaking of onions, my garden is doing well, I didn't really plan on having one, maybe just a few tomatoes and spinach etc; however vegetables are so expensive here lately and they are tasteless. I decided to scale back and often "less is more". There is not a lot of up keep with the way I planned it. I try to have at least one meal a day that is 95% from the garden.

 I miss not having cows but I just don't have the time, my neighbour keeps some of his here for the summer. They keep the place clipped down so it's good to have them around.

 "Be sure to get my good side darling".

 A few days ago, after a hot muggy heatwave, the air turned cool and dry, that cool dry air hit a cold front and before my eyes in a matter of minutes, created this line of clouds in the sky, the sun was setting which made it even prettier.

 That's when this heavenly being appeared to me and told me that God loves his little  LGBTQ children and that's why he made them so fabulous!

 The End.

Tuesday, August 6, 2019


 The question of the day is easy, do you like to dance? Yes or no, do you like to shake a little booty, wiggle a little jiggle, twerk a little tushie? Weather you are shy and only do it in small groups or expressive and jump around at a mega party.  I used to love dancing, one of the things I was excited about when I first started to know gay men, was the idea of having guys I could go out dancing with. Gay friends who would dance, unlike my straight friends who wouldn't and couldn't dance to save their lives... boy was I wrong! Lucky me, I became friends with every gay man that hates dancing, they nervously wanted to hug the walls at every party or dance club. If I did manage to get one up, they moved like a robot who's joints have rusted, like most white guys older than thirty.

 To be completely honest, my high school in the city had a positive dance culture among the guys, it was great, I never knew such a thing existed, guys just didn't seem to dance anywhere else in Canada. My buddies would actually peel shy little me off the wall and pull me out onto the floor, fortunately I have the gay dance genes and I would have a blast! Sometimes it was all the guys together, the jocks, the preps, the casual guys in one large group, very homoerotic and I wasn't about to complain!

 Unfortunately when I was dating Dan, he hated dancing and to be honest.. that was a good thing, he used to draw attention to himself on the dance floor and not in a good way if you catch my meaning. I remember one fall, four of us went to Montreal, one of the guys was from England and actually liked to have fun, we went to a dance club and I finally had someone to shake it up with. I remember the awesome feeling of looking out over a large dance floor with a sea of gay men dancing. It gave me a sense of belonging.

 It's my opinion that, whether you dance or not says something about your personality, at least with regards to men, gay or straight. I don't mean that in a negative or positive way, I just notice patterns in people's behaviors. I have a feeling I can already guess who does and doesn't like to dance in the blogosphere but I'm curious. Now back to my question, do you like to dance?

Sunday, August 4, 2019

The bean harvest & other exciting news!

 One of the things I love about summer is having a vegetable garden, I love fresh veggies, unlike in the stores they have... what's that word.. oh yes.. flavor! On that list of fresh vegetables is burgundy Bush beans. Like yellow beans but less woody, slightly better flavor and they keep producing from mid summer until frost. This spring it was an adventure finding the seeds. Most stores didn't carry them this year for some reason and by the time I found some, it was getting late in the year. After running around from store to store, making a garden bed for them and sowing the seeds, I came inside to put the extra seeds in the cupboard for a second planting in two weeks. When I opened the cupboard door, there was a full packet of seeds already sitting there. I apparently bought extra last year and never thought to check d'oh!

 One of my friends asked me if I had planted my purple beans, (they actually look more purple than burgundy) I answered yes and took this photo of my little bean plants growing.

 I was so happy with my little bean-e-babies. UNTIL!!! Da da dummm! Here's the dramatic part.

 Something wicked comes our way!!!

 What is that! It looks bad! Run for your lives! Thunder! Lightening! Heavy winds that destroy trees and... hail, lots and lots of hail!

 Where's my beans! There was no joy in beanville that day, only sadness, call a veg-terinarian! Look at my poor spinach in the following picture, can you even see any!

 Anyway, I didn't touch anything for about two days, by then the plant will begin to either recover or it will have died. It looked like the cast of Riverdance did a scene run.. through my garden. :(...

After about two weeks you would never know something happened to them.

Now they are a little bean forest and doing well, the second group I sowed is almost as big as the first group but best of all, I was able to eat fresh burgundy beans yesterday, yum.

  My happy ending to the bean saga.. and as an added bonus, with these beans there's no tooting! The end.

Saturday, August 3, 2019

Sci Fi Horror or Reality?

 I heard something the other day that made my stomach feel sick. Apparently they created a monkey/human hybrid. It was created by western doctors but they had to go to China  because ethical countries wouldn't allow it. I fear what that country will do as they increase their technology. I'm all for research but they need to be cautious, we can't start playing god. The reason they did this is to create mankey farms where we can harvest the organs of the little mankeys to be transplanted into humans.  I felt that was sick beyond belief.

 I'm not totally sure how this is supposed to work, they were saying that they would alter the human/animal so that it wouldn't develop thinking capabilities like a human. I feel that they will secretly do this anyway, just to see the results because those people (mad scientists) always pull these kinds of stunts. I wonder when they start slaughtering them, is that harvesting the organs or murder.

 I can see the other side, your loved one is dying, they just need a new kidney, heart or lungs and you would do anything for them. The doctors tell you that there is only one chance left, he says they have mankeys with human organs growing inside, genetically engineered to be a perfect match. Do you let someone you love die or do they have the surgery. Same for yourself, are you ready to die or do you have the surgery. The article pointed out that there are already pigs growing human organs so it's not something new. The Chinese doctors said it's a win, win already with the pigs, you get human organs for surgery and then after really tasty bacon. I made that last part up, they never said "tasty bacon", it was "pork stir fry". That's also not true.

 Maybe not in western countries but who can tell the future, I just have this fear that someday they will have large cages of human-ish creatures, which have been altered to have a basic brain that only lets them survive... and we keep cutting chunks out of them until we have used up everything and they die. It was reported that after proving it could be done, they terminated the fetus. As if that is supposed to reassure us, the only reason you try to see if something came be done, is so you can do it repeatedly. Like some sci fi story from an old twilight zone episode, horror becomes reality.

Friday, August 2, 2019

No coffee for me thanks. : (

 I quit drinking coffee about three weeks ago and I find that I don't miss it. Nope, just kidding, that's a pile of bull bleep, man oh man would I ever enjoy a cup right now! I was never a big coffee drinker, I actually only started drinking coffee regularly about fifteen years ago, with breakfast. It was during the hour earlier spring time change, I couldn't snap out of feeling sleepy at work. My friend and coworker suggested I try a cup of coffee, "HELLO" it worked great! After that I started having a cup of coffee in the morning before work. Mostly just the instant stuff which is supposed to be milder on the system. Sometimes I would enjoy a "real" coffee from a coffee shop.

 When I started working where I am now, I was told the coffee was free and so I would sometimes enjoy a cup with lunch or one in the afternoon if I felt sleepy. That changed this year, I don't know if it's because I'm getting older or I have developed some type of intolerance towards it but coffee makes me feel crazy. I feel terrible after having a cup, I feel hyper, I feel anxious like something bad is about to happen, my hands shake, I sweat like I ran upstairs and some days I feel dizzy. I decided no more.

 I guess that I shouldn't be surprised by the addiction to it because it is a type of drug. I certainly miss it and in the morning I am constantly thinking about how much I would love a cup. I have tried having tea instead but that's just a cup of disappointment, there's nothing wrong with tea, I like it as well but when you are wanting a cup of coffee, it just won't do. I read that growing coffee is bad for the environment, so I guess I'm saving the planet, at least there's that. Steve want coffee. : (

Thursday, August 1, 2019

The End is Nigh! Ugh.

 August first or as we say in Canada, "ahhh crap! It's the first of August, summer will soon be over, bleep "! I already noticed last night as I was driving home  along the river, the land is lower there and even though it was only 7:40 p.m. the sun was not able to shine there, it was already blocked by the hills to the west. Fall is coming, everyone look busy! For us in this area, September is completely unpredictable, it could be hot and humid like summer or cold with frost at night.

 I always have a "hurry up and get things done feeling" when August comes. Any outdoor painting etc, only has about four weeks left to be done. Anyway today is a beautiful sunny day, no humidity, gorgeous actually so I'm going to get my butt in gear.

 I know it's silly but I always feel sad for the garden plants and flowers that no one bought in the stores. I hate walking by and seeing them there, like a sad puppy, hoping that someone will give them a home. Especially for the ones abused by the people taking care of them that don't know or care about them, half dead, half dried out and a sick yellow/green colour. Sometimes I buy last minute plants on sale just to give them a happy home. It's too late now and I have enough this year. Sorry little tomato plants and flowers, you will never know love, you are headed for the garbage. :(... poor little girls. Seriously I'm way too empathetic!

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Evening out.. meh.

 I had some extra free time this afternoon and I thought I would try to get James to come out. Don't get me wrong, James is a really sweet man but sometimes I wish he was a lot less passive. I called him up and tried to invite him out to dinner, he said that he already ate around four and was full. I tried to get him to come out to a movie or something and spend a little time together. He felt that the evening was over and was getting late, in his defense it was almost five o'clock, boy hoo wee that's nearly half the night gone right there!

 I told him that I had called earlier and left a message. He said that the phone belongs to his roommate and he doesn't touch it when he is not around. He drives this old car so he never wants to meet anywhere more than fifteen minutes away from home in case the car dies. I sort of hurt his feelings last week. He has been talking about buying a new car for almost a year now. Finally I told him to take the plunge and stop talking about it, that his old car was limiting him and trapping him. That didn't go over well and he suggested that maybe we were not meant to be friends. I apologized for trying to tell him what to do, something he doesn't like from someone that is younger than him, ouch, I've been told!

 If another gay friend called and asked me to get together, I would... even if I just ate. I would go out, I would talk and laugh and share stories, I would make that connection. It was almost five o'clock however... time for bed?

Why is it that...

 Yesterday was a nice summer day, a little humid but the temperature wasn't too high. We had a few rain showers during the afternoon but we need rain so it wasn't too bad. Everything was fine, all seemed good, there were no weather warnings and then suddenly I heard thunder and saw this out my window.

 Feeling anxious instantly, I text my neighbor/friend, "why is it that lately every storm has to look like armageddon is approaching"? I figured if I'm going down, I wanted my final words to be smarty pants-ish, like me. I did my magic storm chanting, "go away, go away, go away, well at least it gives me something to do.

At least it was moving slowly, so that's a good sign at first, less likely to be a tornado hidden in there.

There was some thunder and lightning but not as bad as other storms, the weird thing was the colour of the sky, my camera was adjusting the weird pink colour and making it brighter than it actually was, in real life it was strange. My neighbour text back, "jeepers that's a crazy looking sky"!

 I know green sky means possible tornado coming but what does pink sky mean? Anyway the darkest clouds passed over relatively harmless, some wind but not that strong. The pink sky brought rain, a good shower for the rest of the evening but we really needed it so that was a bonus. I text my neighbour back, "thankfully it only brought rain, not the apocalypse"! Then I checked inside my pants, nope still dry, no wetness, I'm good to go. :D

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Leave Kelly alone!

 Is it just me or is anyone else getting sick of hearing that Kelly McGillis is too ugly to appear in the Top Gun remake? I wasn't going to blog about this but if I see, hear or smell one more story about this I'm going to scream! She fits into my theme so I decided to post, she was married to both, two different men and a woman, not all at once, lol. Plus like me, she is getting older.

 I heard her in an interview saying that she no longer fits the Hollywood mold, she said, "I'm old, I'm fat and I look age appropriate". I thought good for her, she didn't seem upset and I think that was a shot back to the facelift crowd. The thing is, she is one of us now (O_O.. one.. of.. us) most people don't fit the Hollywood mold. In fact it's ironic that most of the people making fun of her, should look in the mirror, it's like the sugar calling the flour white!

It's sad that after being in films, becoming a mom and all the other things she probably did during her lifetime, this is her story now, something she didn't ask for. Seriously what is wrong with people, the movie came out in 1986, she was 29 or 30, that's 33 years ago, she's a 62 year-old women now for Pete's sake, it's not like she became a Nazi and looks this way because of that! She aged, like all of us are doing. I wonder how those reporters would feel when they turn sixty two and suddenly there are all kinds of stories about how ugly they have become.

 I don't know anything about Kelly McGillis, I have no clue whether she was a nice person or a diva, I actually didn't know her name until this age shaming started. It's just that this irritated me, if she had been in a bad accident that changed her appearance, would they make fun of that? Apparently Val Kilmer is not so hot either, he can't be in the movie because his character was killed off, I have seen some negative stories regarding him; however I don't see the constant stories about him getting older like with Kelly, a bit sexist I think.  She got older, it's not a crime, get over it people! Hollywood is fake and shallow, it always was, now we know that it was sick and creepy as well. In a place like that, there is certainly no room for someone who looks like a real person.

Monday, July 29, 2019

Avoiding the question.

 There have been a few stories lately regarding negative attitudes towards the LGBTQ community and I was feeling upset over the weekend but I decided not to blog about them for now. I have to step back and view my own life and for now it's pretty good. I need to focus on the positive side and I had a great experience last Wednesday during lunch hour. I know the group I sit with have very open minds regarding most things so I'm not surprised.

 I won't go into details but the subject of transgender people and gay people came up. This is usually quite rare and if the subject does come up.. it only lasts for seconds in a conversation. This time however it lasted longer and gave me an insight into how each person thinks. It was interesting hearing the views of the older generation vs the younger guys. Men around my age were embarrassed by past behavior and are working on being inclusive, the younger guys see no issue, they kept saying it doesn't affect me so why would I care who someone dates.

 One of the dads was saying how it is even better with young teens regarding LGBTQ issues. He was saying how easy it flows for his children when he listens in on conversations. He said he hears things like, "I saw Mike at the pool yesterday, remember him"?
 "No I don't know who you mean".
 "He was in your class last year and before that he used to be Mary when you were in elementary".
 "Oh yeah I remember him, how is he"?

 My coworker felt proud that his kids have an open mind like that. The older crew was explaining what it was like back in the eighties.. when even people like boy-George denied they were gay. How being gay was a no no especially in small towns. It was a great conversation, I found the viewpoints interesting, I felt really good coming away from that conversation. There was a point when people were saying to the younger guys, that is the reason it's still hard for the older generations to come out. At that moment I thought it would be perfect to say something like, "that's why I never said a word about myself until right now... and then pause as it sinks in... but I didn't. I walked away thinking, Old Lurker and Jimmy are going to give me such a hard time over this one... it made me laugh a little.

 I do have a reason and it's not what you think. First I don't think anyone really cares to be honest but that's not the reason for my silence. It's not about fear or rejection it's something else and it's simple. When I first came out to my friends years ago, there was a question that I hated having to answer. All my friends were happy for me to finally admit that I am gay, also they wanted the best for me so inevitably once I told them, they would ask with a warm curious smile, "so Steve, are you seeing someone, do you have a boyfriend"? Unfortunately I would have to answer no and I would see the smile fade away, they felt sorry for me, I know they were hoping that I had found someone and that was why I was telling people.

 I don't want to answer that question at the moment because I feel like the kid I was in high school asking people out, no girl would touch me with a ten foot pole. I felt like a loser at dating and now I suck at dating all over again. When I was with Dan, I noticed how easy it was for me to tell people, actually I wanted the world to know, love does that to a person. I know many of the guys will hope that I have someone and I want to be able to say with a shy grin, "yes I'm seeing someone, his name is".

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Gay men and flowers.

 Maybe it's a stereo type but what is it about gay men and flowers. Many of us love the pretty, pretty colours.. lol. I remember many years ago now, my friends were talking to their boys aged 12 and 14 about their uncle Phil. The parents could see that the boys were forming questions about uncle Phil but we're hesitant to ask. They assured the boys that they wouldn't get angry.

 Finally the older boy blurted out, "don't get me wrong, we love uncle Phil but.. but.. well we think uncle Phil is gay.. he's gay"! The parents smiled and said that they thought the same as well. They asked the boys what lead them to this conclusion and one of the things they listed, was how much uncle Phil liked flowers and growing flowers. That's when one of my friends said, "well Steve loves flowers and growing flowers and he's not gay"! Umm, ahem, oops tehehe, maybe kids are a lot smarter than they smell. I was no where near coming out at that time so I just kept quiet.

 Let's go outside!

 Jumping Jack's, these grow wild all over the garden and flower beds. They are a domestic flower but they are excellent at reseeding themselves, easy to transplant to any flower bed you want them, they have been growing here all my life.

Here is a better picture of the heritage roses, they hadn't been mangled by the beetles yet. Something happened to the bugs, many got hurt, muahaha! Still very different from today's rose. It makes me think of the first time I received flowers as a gift, I believe they were roses. They were given to me by my ex Dan, I remember feeling conflicted inside because flowers were traditionally given to women, I was a little embarrassed and my male ego, slightly insulted. I realized that I wasn't in a traditional relationship and would have to get used to this. I would eventually learn to love getting flowers and looked forward to getting them. Comical when I think back to how tightly wound I was. Now I would be happy to just receive any kind of flowers from someone :(   even a piece of lettuce would do these days. 

 My petunias are doing well again this year, they are my favorite flowers.

Hi Drangeas! How are you doing?
A Hydrangea flower, it grows on the north side and has been there most of my life.

I messed up my colour scheme, I should have put the darker leaf plants in the center and the green leaf plants out front.

Now, you have a test... can anyone name this next flower... what kind of plant is it? Jimmy? Anyone? Anyone?
Well if you can't guess no worries because it's a trick question, it's a potato plant, this is what their flowers look like. Funny thing about potato plant flowers, you can't sow potatoes too close to tomatoes because they are in the same plant family. If you do, the potato flowers will form something similar to small tomatoes but they are not edible.

 There, these are some of my flowers, but it's not gay to like flowers!!! Ok maybe it is but who cares anymore, it's only going to make me like a man more.. not less lol! As for uncle Phil, he came out of the closet, married a drag queen, one boy was best man, the other an usher at the wedding and everyone lived fabulously ever after! The end.

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Lost for.. umm.. umm.. words!

 Where to start, well in my own personal Mr Bean episode, a task that should have been simple, in and out in minutes, has turned into an event... like it always does for me. It seems some careless person entered their data wrong while doing their taxes. They used my government numbers instead and of course the fix is never as easy as it was for some idiot to create the mess in the first place, so now I will have to make extra trips and be under extra stress. My life is a Mr Bean episode, my life is a Mr Bean episode, my life is a Mr Bean episode... and I'm getting tired of it.

 I was at a place of business, in a cubicle with someone trying to help me clear this up, when I became annoyed by a client in the cubicle next to me. He was one of those guys that likes to talk out loud, thinking that others are marveling at the wisdom he is spewing out. I don't understand if he is so clever, why doesn't he know how rude he is being.

 Turns out he is some kind of pastor in a church, although you would never know it from the filth that came from his mouth. Long story short, it was the typical evangelical type of thinking, going on and on about homosexuals, homeless people, how other religions are garbage, gossiping about people he worked with and on and on. I was livid by the time he left.

 The thing that I hate is, I become so angry that I'm at a complete loss for words. I feel like every word wants to come out at the exact same time, my mind goes blank and I can never think of something sarcastic to jab the person with, hopefully embarrass them, although he's probably too thick to be embarrassed. Driving to work later on, I have a whole string of things to say to him and I'm yelling them at my dashboard. I want to unleash on him and hopefully make him look like the stupid lump that he is. Near the end he even said that he is a fan of the dump, why was I not surprised at all. You could tell the woman helping him was embarrassed and keep steering him towards his reasons for being there.

 Driving in the car I was just getting angrier and angrier, why should I have to listen to that in a place of business or anywhere in public. People like that need to be told to shut up, they can say what they want at their family kkk meetings but out with regular humans, they need to stay quiet.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

Every body sing, "heat wave"!

 We are having a heat wave but up until tonight I've been enjoying it... lol! Even with the humidity, I think my system was still shell shocked from last winter and finally started thawing out. It's supposed to move on tomorrow and things will get cooler. I don't have air conditioning but usually the house cools down at night, not tonight as it's still 80° Fahrenheit outside. Can't complain as we will start to have frost in another four to five weeks. What happened to July? This month just seemed to happen in a blink!

 I'm not online much but don't worry nothing is wrong, a major cell tower that covers my area has been down since Thursday and so I can only get limited internet access at night, during the day and evenings I'm completely blocked, it helps with keeping my usage down lol!

 When it's this warm, it's strange how people smell, not like the regular body odor smell when a person is active or didn't shower, it's more like when a big hairy dog gets wet, ewww lol! I'm going back to bed now, I can feel a cool breeze starting to blow in the windows, all this lying around doing nothing has made me exhausted.

Thursday, July 18, 2019

I can't cook bacon! Aaahh!

 I have reached the conclusion that I can't cook bacon. There I admitted it! I'm a bacon cooking failure! As a man I'm so ashamed of this! I find that it seems to take too long and the second I take my eyes off it, the center burns while the ends are still too rubbery to eat. I tried cooking it yesterday on a low heat with the lid on, a little better but the center was almost over cooked. I wonder what it would be like baked in the oven? My neighbors make those perfect brown crispy strips like in the restaurants. I want mine to look like that.... help! Any tips? Bacon has been described to me as man candy, what they actually meant was straight man candy, it's delicious but I can only take a little, after a few pieces, I find it too salty, too greasy... even worse... past the lips and straight to the hips.. or in my case tummy.

 Today's mission, help Steven cook perfect-ish bacon, I want to invite some of my neighbors to a pancake, bacon breakfast but I don't want them to arrive hearing the sound of smoke detectors going off! Baaacon... mmmmm!

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Sunshine & joy filled days.

  On Sunday I went to see mom, she had become so feeble the last couple of weeks I worry about her. However to my surprise, she has regained her strength back. I found her walking up and down the hallways at a good pace and no walker. When she saw me, she smiled and asked when did I arrive. I walked with her for awhile to encourage her to stay active. Then we sat down in the sitting room.

 Mom doesn't talk much anymore so I just sit with her, I know she is more comfortable when I'm around so we usually just sit together. While there I often people watch, I often wonder what sort of lives the other people had. One thing I really notice, of all the residents, there are only about seven men versus about twenty five women. I see the writing on the wall when it comes to the male and female lifespan ratio. I'm also learning that it's about quality of life, not quantity. I used to want to live forever, now  I see life can become, almost a punishment, like a sentence. Most of the people there are just existing, everything about them is gone, it's just that the body hasn't died yet.

 I was wondering about two of the elderly men this week, one I call "the professor" in my head. To me, he looks like a university professor, I imagine him teaching literature, reading poems etc. Unfortunately his memory is gone and he will most times just sit quiet, staring straight ahead. He speaks both english and french, interesting how the dementia doesn't affect that ability.

 There was another man sitting there across the room from us, I don't know him either but I was glad to see he no longer needed an oxygen mask, I always internally cheer on every little victory these elderly people have over their illnesses. I think he must have had a stroke, he is wheelchair bound and can no longer speak. I couldn't help notice how handsome he still is, even in his eighties, there is a boyish charm to him. I was thinking to myself that he must have been one fine looking man when he was younger.

 The sitting room faces the afternoon sun, it's a bright cheerful room and many of the elderly people like to relax at the end of the day there. The light seemed to focus on the gentleman across the room and suddenly I could see the young man he once was, it almost shocked me. It suddenly hit me, he is not an "elderly" man, he is a "man" whose body wore out. I suddenly had this image of him, a young man in his twenties with his friends at a beach, his life moments playing out, his first car, his first job and most importantly, his first love. He once joked and laughed and lived a full life until one day, the years added up and now he's here. He is all of us someday and that is frightening to me.

 After an hour I was thinking about leaving, the sun was getting ready to set, the light danced through the windows onto everyone. Suddenly the professor became alert and I heard him whisper "sunshine"? Then he said clearly to someone only he could see, "may sunshine and happiness fill all your days ahead, and I will see you again soon". It made me wonder if he was reliving a farewell to family or friends , had someone visited him earlier that day, was this a wish that he often used to make.

 I never say goodbye to mom, it upsets her. She will want to leave with me and I don't want to see the look on her face when I say she has to stay, like a child being left behind. I instead make some excuse to get up, basically I lie to her and say I need to use the restroom or check on something. She will say, "ok I'll wait for you here".  I know that a few seconds after I'm out of site, she will forget that I was even there. It's something I have to do but it kills me a little each time I do it... because I'm tricking her and taking advantage of her illness.

 As I get into my car, I can't help think about what lies ahead for me. I can't help thinking about what has happened to mom, about dad dying on us, about where I am in life. As I sat there, I heard that wish in my head again, "may sunshine and happiness fill all your days ahead". I suddenly felt it was ok to let everything go, no use worrying, I need to focus on the good moments, the bad times will come on their own no matter how much I worry or don't worry. When I came home, I invited a friend over for tea, catch up on local news, show off my garden, simple things but it clears out the mind.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Pretty old girl.

 Being generation number four at my place often comes with links to our past. Over a hundred years ago my great grandmother
 planted rose bushes. They are still blooming today, interesting enough since they are an old variety, they don't resemble anything like today's rose.

 We thought they had all died out until a few years back, we had cleared out some brush around the gardens and the sudden influx of light caused them to start blooming again. After that I started trying to restore them by cutting down any trees around them.

 The old world flowers have a new world problem, as soon as they bloom, hordes of Japanese beetles attack the petals. Some years there are also problems with bugs boring holes in the stems. Still they manage to spread around under the ground and a little rose tree pops up here and there in the area of the roots. It's amazing to think that I'm enjoying something a family member did long before even my parents were born, maybe even before my grandparents were born. They didn't have radio, telephones or even electricity and now her flowers are on the internet!

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Everybody take cover!

 This year as far as summers go, has actually been nice for the most part. Not too many really hot humid days like the last couple of years. Mostly sunny days and very enjoyable. Also there have been some nice showers in the evenings to cool things off. Storms are also coming through and dropping the temperatures as well in the evenings. It's good this is happening as the last couple of years, it would be boiling hot, storms would blow through and it would stay hot, not normal for around here.

 The one drawback of this is we are getting powerful storms every four or five days in the evenings, wind damage, hail, some tornados, lighting. I hate storms, living in the country shows you first hand what they can do, from miner to major damage. Lightning and crazy winds make me very stressed, to the point of me sweating. They were calling for showers today but the humidity and temperature was high and so this afternoon a severe storm warning went out.

 A lot of dark clouds passed over with no rain or thunder. I was enjoying my time in the garden, the high winds were keeping the mosquitoes at bay, making it easier to work. Then the sky began to clear off and I was happy we missed the storms.
 I thought to myself... whew.. that's a relief. I was placing cages around my bush beans and pulling weeds. I love my garden, it relaxes me, most of all I really really love fresh home grown veggies. Crisp, crunchy and full of flavor. Wait... what's that rumbling sound and why is it getting dark all of a sudden?

 Oh sheep! O.O

 I FREAKING hate storms, especially these days when they all seem to be auditioning for a role in Armageddon!

Mother of Pearl! Oh Sheep! Oh Ship! Oh Sheet! Yeah.. no this can't be good! Red alert! Red alert! Abandon all sense of calmness and head for brother trucking cover! Frigging storms, hate'em! This one was a beach, it went on and on and on. The lighting was the worst I have seen in years. When lighting strikes nearby, the phone will ding, that doesn't happen often, it did that four times with this storm. It moved out really slow and even when the clouds were breaking, lighting still would strike close by.

Finally it moved away and the sky began to open. The temperature dropped thirteen degrees and the humidity was sent packing by a cool breeze.

 The sun set which will help keep things cool for the night, they are saying the worst is over.
I survived, the windows are all open now, to let the fresh air in and cool the house down for the evening. It's funny how nature can go from being so frightening one moment to a thing of such beauty the next.

Friday, July 12, 2019

Your cellphone suuucks!

 This evening when I came home, there was a message on my landline. Usually it's either not important like a telemarketer or it is very important and the person knows I will hear it for sure. However... for the love of Pete, if you're going to leave a message, make sure you have a good connection with a decent cellphone!

 Nothing worse than tonight's message, " Hi Steve, it's shzzzz burzz burzz, I'm here with dujjjugggge and if you coushzzshzz mamo nurma urp glomp I would appreciate zzzat, caw mm 613 7merff mupmup merfumfum ok? Thanks eeet aak aak.

 What the what??? Now they won't call back thinking that I will get a hold of them. With my luck I know for sure it's important. From the tone of voice it's someone who knows me but I can't place the voice and after tomorrow they will think I'm a little rude donkey's butt for not getting back to them. This will bug me all evening, fubbergunt!

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Gasp! Oh the horror, THE HORROR!

 I can't believe this is happening again! It's been a long time but (clutching imaginary pearls) here I go again! This morning when I got up... I... I have... I have a pimple on my face! It's on my upper lip just below my nose, there's no hiding it unless I can grow a mustache in an hour... aaaah! What will all the kids at school say, there's that dance coming up, I will look hideous I tell you just hid-E-ous! I thought I was done with these! I'm never going to find the man of my dreams looking like I'm infectious! Why me, WHYYY MEEE? How's that for drama queen? :D

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Freedom vs loss.

 It's interesting as we age, we often think back and can't understand why we made certain mistakes. The problem is we are looking at something in today's bubble, we arrived here while learning and experiencing life along the way. It's not really fair to judge our younger self who hasn't had those experiences yet.

 I was thinking back to a time when I first started wondering about coming out. I used to think that I would be secretly gay, out only to my closest friends and that one day when my parents were no longer around, I would be totally out. I imagined a total freedom of living a full gay life, happily ever after. What I didn't contemplate was the sense of loss and the feeling that a part of me was gone. The young man in the bubble at that time, couldn't grasp the feeling of not having them around. Even more importantly, he also couldn't grasp that having his parents around, wasn't really the issue of whether he would be fully out or not.

 My parents are gone now basically and I didn't gain freedom, I experienced loss instead. Even with them gone, I really suck at being gay. Sometimes I wonder if it would be a lot easier to have remained naive, thinking that staying in the closet was a success. Being that clueless was easier in some ways. I imagine myself on my deathbed thinking, "I did it! No one figured it out, I will die as a straight man".  I think however what would actually happen is that I would realize... I totally threw my life away and there are no second chances.

 I stop myself from going down that road, I remind myself of the good times. I think of dating Billy and dating Dan and those were some of my best life moments. Even being with my fwb, I learned from him. I don't regret one second spent with any of them, if I had a chance to do it over, I would. The only difference would be for me to do my part better. The three years with Dan, were my richest life experiences ever, to be able to find my way back there is my ultimate goal. It's just that I seem to have forgotten how to get there.

Monday, July 8, 2019

Ted.. you've hit bottom!

 Like many people, I enjoy the TED talks, one of the radio stations I listen to plays them on Sunday. Sometimes I watch video clips on YouTube. They have great speakers and a wide range of topics presented by experts in their field... or at least they used to.

 I often sat spellbound by presentations on space, time, evolution, human evolution, dark matter etc, etc. Some people are so brilliant and often there is mind blowing research going on that the average person has no idea about, the TED talks were bringing those fantastic ideas to the public... until now. Lately I have become disappointed by the TED talks, I think TED has either run out of good guests... or it's become a good product to sell on the radio market and he is just looking for content.

 The once expert speakers has become just some journalists that is researching a story or a person thinking about writing a book on a topic. An example is, a local radio host was on one week as a guest talking about racism. Now don't get me wrong, I actually like and respect this gentleman but who is he to speak on this subject. A white man raised in Ottawa Canada and I have never heard of him working on anything before regarding race relations, he's just good at speaking. Last week was a woman talking about losing a loved one, she wasn't a psychologist or psychiatrist, just someone who lost a family member. She was going on about making people use the words she wants to hear like "moving forward" and how you have to mentally take the dead person with you in life, blah blah blah and I suddenly felt like I have heard all that garbage before, that's the same mush we used to hear on the Oprah Winfrey show... ugh!

  This week it was about things like greed and being envious, leading I guess to how we can be better people, maybe hold hands and sing together while the host suddenly started shouting, "you get a car and you get a car and you get a car"! Awful, bring back the scientists, the geneticists, the physicists and all the other "trained" icists that you used to have before because right now I feel that I could do a Ted talk on what ever is popular and I shouldn't feel that way. Sorry TED but lately I think you're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Sunday, July 7, 2019

Very pro snuggling!

 I was reading on line that gay people don't like cuddling or snuggling. Seriously... who writes this garbage, straight religious people or some bitter bar troll past their due date? I as a gay man declare that I love to cuddle, I love to snuggle. Nothing better on a Sunday morning after spending the weekend with a honey bunny, than having a little snuggle time together before getting up. Even better is when you are in a relationship with someone, that moment of intimate cuddling after having sex, it gives you that quiet connected feeling.

 Maybe some gay people don't like it but this one does! I guess it doesn't fit the image of two strangers meeting and hooking up. I find a little cuddle time recharges the batteries. Seriously, what's wrong with a little couch cuddle while watching tv or something like that. When I think back to my last relationship, that was one of the things I loved, we were always snuggled up while watching tv, listening to music or reading something, it was automatic. Now go hug someone... preferably someone you know and love... I don't want you in trouble! Lol

Saturday, July 6, 2019

That sounds gay!

 Last night I was bothered by something and it's something that I shouldn't be worried about but I am. I sometimes make recordings of french phrases from a tape to my phone. It's a way to brush up on my language skills and keep from forgetting words. I then repeat the phrase and record myself saying it back in English and french.

 When I hear the playback, I always think, "geesh, is that what I really sound like"? When I am speaking I don't notice any difference from any other guy but when I hear my voice recorded... it sounds sooo gay! I half expect to hear myself start saying things like, "oh no you didn't gurlfriend" or "which one of you bitches borrowed my good heels". I know it's wrong but it bothers me. I wonder if people hear that when they talk to me. I have had gay friends say they suspected I was gay by my voice while others say no, they didn't hear it.

 I wonder what people who meet me for the first time think. On the flip side there are many straight guys at work that have a very stereotypical gay sounding voice, this makes me wonder however if this is something created by Hollywood? Maybe it got the best laughs to have a character with that type of voice, camp it up with some extra hand movements and then it stuck, just like every gay man is supposed to be a hairdresser or fashion designer. No way could he be a truck driver, lines man, football player or soldier. Fortunately society is starting to know better now and maybe as far as voices go, some guys have one type of voice while others have a different type of voice and it doesn't matter gay or straight.

 Anyway it shouldn't bother me what I sound like, not at this stage in life anyway, plus there's nothing I can do about it. I mean it would be silly of me to try and make recordings of myself using a deeper voice and pronouncing my words more masculine-ish... because that's a waste of time and doesn't work... and would be a little sad and maybe a little self-homophobic if I attempted to do something like that... alright, alright I tried it and it didn't work, there you happy now!

Friday, July 5, 2019

Dance of the Butterflies.

 Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work, two butterflies landed on the outside doormat. I believe they are called White Admirals.

 It's exciting to see butterflies now because sadly for some reason they are all dying out. When I was a child, the lilacs and flowers would be covered in butterflies, now I am lucky to see one during the day. Some say it's due to pesticides but that's an easy and popular answer. There is something else going on as well I feel because in my surrounding area, it's mostly beef farms and organic vegetable farms, both of which don't use any pesticides. The topography doesn't allow large cash crop farms around here.

 I suddenly noticed that they seemed to be doing some kind of "dance", I was not aware that butterflies did this. I don't know if it was a male and female doing a mating dance or two males doing a "this is my territory bud" dance. They would hold their wings down together and then slowly bring them up together. Sometimes they would turn their backs towards each other for maximum display effect.

Even if the cat startled them away, in a few minutes they would return and start all over, it was beautiful on a mini scale. Sorry the lighting is not good and I had to stay inside or they would take off. This is one of those country moments that I love, there is so much beauty around us that most people never see.