Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Until next year.

 The post earlier today about mom was supposed to be yesterday's post, unfortunately living in the country has many technological disadvantages and it got hung up in cyberspace until this morning. I didn't plan on having a melancholy type post for New Year's eve. As usual you guys were supportive, I will answer your comments but I will wait to give others time to add something if they wish.

 After much thought I have decided to suspend blogging until next year... yes I know many of you will be heartbroken without my clever wit and will miss me greatly. I would like to say that I will miss you too... I would like to say that but...

 Anyway I hope you have a good New Year's eve no matter how you decide to celebrate it or don't celebrate it. Today I text a friend and said that year wise, this is the last day we get to write the number 19 as a current year date... that's for the number nerds. See you next year in 2020!

My new reality.

 I was sitting in my living room last night with all the lights off. Just relaxing in my big comfy chair, staring out the window at the Christmas tree. The wind was making the lights dance. I was in power down mode getting ready for bed.

It suddenly occurred to me that this was the first Christmas without mom. I did see her that night but it's not the same. The odd thing is I didn't even notice it. I think unlike with dad who was suddenly not there anymore, mom has been slowly slipping away from us, leaving no option but to learn to cope. To be honest, even though she was with us in the past, for probably the last three Christmases... she was not part of the conversation. She would speak if spoken to but she would be in her own world otherwise. I can still remember the first Christmas without Dad, as clear as if it was a year ago (Christmas number 11 now, unbelievable to me). At dinner we were sitting there in silence, shell shocked, almost waiting for him to join us, it seemed completely wrong to be having Christmas dinner without him. Compare that to me enjoying my day last Wednesday. Yes mom did cross my mind throughout the day but I wasn't down about it.

 My sister and her partner had a long time friend join them for Christmas. I felt we could relax and enjoy ourselves, with mom around, it can be like having a small child that you need to keep an eye on. Even when I went to visit mom, it was more for me than her. Normally when I would say it's Christmas, she would act surprised over and over but at least she grasped the meaning. This time around, saying it's Christmas meant about as much as saying it's Wednesday to her.

 I guess I have gotten used to the idea of living without mom, this is my new reality and I think that's healthy. When asked if my parents are still around, I now say no... because I no longer have parents, they are gone, mom's body is still alive but she is gone and I just realized I have finally accepted that.

Saturday, December 28, 2019

Just me or...?

 Is it just me or is anyone else in shock that soon it will be 2020!?! That freaks me out every time I hear someone mention it! Honestly it feels like we only just had the Y2K issue five or six years ago, you remember... the jets were supposed to fall out of the sky onto your roof at midnight. All the little babies born that day will turn into twenty years old men and women... yikes... no seriously YIKES!!!

 Also double yikes because if you were a teen in the eighties, then everything to do with the eighties will start to turn forty! All the songs, tv shows, movies, books and gadgets that came out in 1980, will start to turn over as 40 years old. Nothing says over the hill like your favorite memories being over that hill!

 I need a nap, this is too stressful to think about... oh wait a minute, isn't that what old people do... meh screw it... I'm having a nap, cup of tea or rocking in my rocking chair, whatever the heck I want to do... so back off whipper snappers! Seriously though 2020! 2020! Unbelievable, where did the time go.

Friday, December 27, 2019

Down come the decorations!

 Okay I decided to take down the decorations even though I said people should leave them up. Here's the only thing I had up inside the house.
 Yup... that's it, one sad little lone Christmas card. I never think to send any out and I guess everyone gave up on me this year... so I got just this one. I have nothing else up inside so I decided to toss the card yesterday, effectively taking down all my inside decorations... lol.

 One of my neighbours was missing my Christmas trees, inside and out. She's having a hard time at the moment so I put up a tree outside on Christmas eve, I knew she would be surprised to see it later on her way to mass. She thanked me for the thoughtfulness, she instantly knew I did it for her.

 There little Christmas tree, banish the darkness, let some joy into my friend's heart, let her know she is often my light so I am giving your light to her as a gift in return.

Thursday, December 26, 2019

Boxing day? Don't hit me!

 Boxing day, so called because of all the religious people that go out and punch each other in order to get to the good deals first. Actually I think it's something to do with putting everything away. I know many people who are obsessed with taking down the tree and decorations today. I never understood that, all the effort to put them up, now just when you have a little time to enjoy them, you take them down. January and February really really really really really really suck in this part of the country, a little light and colour helps keep away the gloomies!

 No... nooo, nope, nah, no way, non, pas, forget it, not, not happening, nooooo I am NOT going shopping today. I never tried it until a few years ago, I went and found it to be a complete waste of time. I don't even think I bought anything that day. The only men's clothes that I wanted were on sale 30% off, I waited until later in the week and got them for 50 and 70% off. It wasn't worth the stress. Plus I'm definitely not a crowds person.

 Today I was invited to a boxing day party, I was told they already have everything so just bring myself. Sounds easy enough, I will bring some cookies I made, I never like showing up empty handed. It's an afternoon party, we will probably have a fire outside since the weather is nice, maybe roast marshmallows etc. Best of all though is we will sit around and chew the fat... lol. Have a good day everyone.

Wednesday, December 25, 2019

The Christmas post, 2019.

 I had a good day today, I enjoyed myself. I wanted to start off by saying that so that people won't worry about the things I'm about to say. I woke up with my alarm this morning, I actually slept through it for a little while. I opened my eyes and thought, "ugh, got to get up". Who ever saw that coming when a child, usually I was wide awake by five as a kid. It's unbelievable to me that I woke up in the house on Christmas morning and there are no decorations, no gifts, no tree and no turkey  to be roasted in the oven, even worse, there is no one else in the house either.

 Where those memories even real? I walk down stairs and go to the room where a tree would normally be. I never saw this coming as a child, it was never part of my imagination when daydreaming about Christmas when I would become an adult. Unbelievable to some extent... but one year leads to another and then another, things constantly change and you end up alone in a big old farm house on Christmas morning.

 I went down to my sister's place and we had a nice Christmas, after I went to see mom. She was in good spirits but couldn't grasp that it was Christmas day. She had dinner and after I gave mom, her gifts. It took a lot of encouragement to get her to open her gift. She then wanted to sit and talk with a friend. I left to head home.

 Almost over for another year. I think I'm going to watch movies tonight.... and absolutely no... I don't do boxing day shopping.

Tuesday, December 24, 2019

Christmas Eve 2019.

 Wow... here we are again. I have nothing done but I'm not going to panic, there really is no point for me. I just need to make some cookies for tomorrow, wrap a few gifts and I'm good to go. I never did get into the holiday spirit no matter what I tried, I'm okay with that... as long as I don't have some mid-winter regret over it. It's going to be pretty easy after Christmas, no decorations to put away. The only thing Christmas-ish is the one sad and lonely little Christmas card I got... lol.

 I'm disappointed however with one thing, I have been trying to create my own "family" but I wasn't successful. Meaning boyfriend, group of friends etc. People to spend the holidays with. Yes... some people tell me to stop in but that's different from actual family. Nothing can feel more lonely than sitting in on someone else's family Christmas. My last really happy Christmases were when I was dating Dan, it was exciting again, it was magical again. We were making our own new memories together, we were forming a new family unit. That's what I would like to have again. Right now to me it doesn't feel like Christmas eve, it feels like Tuesday. Anyway don't worry, I'm not feeling down, as I keep saying, I just feel "meh".

 To anyone celebrating today and/or tomorrow, Merry Christmas!

 Now I'm off to make cookies... and hopefully they won't smell like cat food. :D

Monday, December 23, 2019

Steve's wild Christmas!

 Mmmm the smell of Christmas baking this morning. Wait... what? I'm not baking anything! Yet this morning in the house there was a definite odor like cookies baking. I checked the stove and furnace, nothing on or burning. It didn't smell like fire, it definitely smelled like cookies or muffins baking. I was starting to wonder if mom or my grandmothers were trying to send a message. Finally... d'oh!!! I figured it out, I had moistened some cat food in a dish with water and a little canned cat food for extra flavor, then I placed it on the heating grate to warm it up. Smelled like cookies, unfortunately it certainly didn't taste like cookies... no I didn't try it, I'm just joking.

 My wild Christmas, okay relax everyone, not "that" kind of wild. Here some pics I want to share.

 Yesterday when I got up, I could see this impression in the snow, there were no tracks leading to or from it, clearly a Christmas Angel had descended from above and came to rest upon the snow.
 No actually what probably happened was an owl came down and caught a mouse under the snow, apparently their hearing is as good as their eyes and can detect movement under the snow. Mice and voles make tunnels under the snow, creating little highways, predators like foxes and owls listen for the movement and crash through to catch them.

 The great apple caper, back in October I kept finding crab apples all around the house, I couldn't figure out what was carrying the apples to the house and dropping them. A deer would eat them if they put it in their mouth but it definitely would not carry them. A raccoon would carry it but they would chew it up or at least put little teeth marks on it. Finally I saw the culprit and watched it one day.
 A young Fox out on its own, probably hungry was eating apples, not being part of its normal diet, it would pick up some in its mouth and I guess carried them to the house.
 Being young it came out during the day which is actually dangerous for a fox as they have enemies. Happily it is much smarter now, it still comes around but only after dark. Foxes are very hard on mice, so yay foxes!

 I was telling a friend about how a deer head suddenly fell from the sky one day. I didn't know if Santa had run into a helicopter or was it deernado, Armageddon or what was happening. Suddenly a large shadow drifted over the house and all was revealed.

 A Bald Eagle must have been carrying it and it became too heavy. There were actually two eagles, both with white heads, so maybe a pair, an offspring would be all brown. It's normal for them to come inland, they often scavenge off wolf kills.

 Speaking of deer, they are always around, I don't even notice them that much as a novelty, they are pretty though.
 I also had turkeys yesterday... Christmas turkeys??? They are destructive however, they came to the house so I went after them with a broom before they start to dig stuff up.

Saturday, December 21, 2019

I Stole This!

I have been shopping-ish for the holidays so I'm being lazy today. I have been stealing memes from other bloggers and I'm shamelessly going to use them here.

 Swiped this from sister Debra, I frigging love this, so cute. Makes me wish I had a gay son and catch him smooching with his boyfriend like this awwwww! So cute in their jammies. Plus check out the buns on the guy in blue!

 Now... I had vowed never to allow that name on my blog but I really cracked up over this, especially since I keep hearing gawd appointed you know who. I snatched this from Sickoricko's blog, it's great blog, however it is mostly an adult entertainment blog so I tend not to link to it.  Even Maddie would probably blush, I found it through Cali Boi's blog. No surprise there... ;D

 Lately I feel this applies to me, I love a dark sense of humour (humor DD), I think that's why I'm reconnecting with my school friend so well, we both have a bizarre, dark, silly sense of humour. I brazenly stole this from Leanna, a really funny cool lady, even though she is straight... hahaha!

I don't remember where I stole this from butt really.... does it matter??? Santa was telling me that after a couple hundred years of delivering toys, he's training his son, Chris to take over. Here he is suiting up.

 Now just in case you doubt my connection with Santa, remember I'm up north from most of you. Here he is coming in on the Polar Express yesterday.

 Me saying hello to you guys again. Shame on me I didn't shave, I just discovered that shadows are my friend, it hides the cracks and crevices, what do you think?

Winter Solstice, yesssss!

 Winter solstice, I'm not spiritual about it but I'm definitely aware of it in a practical sense. The days will begin to get longer soon. I'm not sure why but the darkness didn't affect me this year... so far at least. At least now it will soon start to go the other way.

 I love this piece of music, it's by Dead Can Dance, a world music type band... definitely not top forty lol. There are some pagan-ish imagines with the music so it's as best as I can do.

Friday, December 20, 2019

Life lessons and refried beans.

 Yesterday I was heating up some homemade chicken stew, I noticed there was not a full portion and decided to add something that was quick. I had some refried beans and decided to heat them up. Later I texted a friend, "whoa... note to self, never eat refried beans again"! He text back, "lol, grossing yourself out are we"? Yup! I didn't think it was possible to make the house smell like the barn without the use of farm animals... but apparently it is. Somewhat comical when I can't stand to be in the same room as me and it's a very odd feeling when you become annoyed with yourself, "ahh really Steve, really"???

 How can one little meal produce so much fuel? I have a lot of guilt now, I feel that I single handedly have caused a greater negative impact on climate change. Another lesson I learned besides staying away from refried beans... is that when you go to bed with this "issue"... blankets are not your friend!

Tuesday, December 17, 2019

Meh... holidays.

 I don't know Linus, I'm just not into Christmas this year. I'm not sure what is going on with me but I'm absolutely not feeling Christmas. When I walk through the stores, I don't even notice the decorations. Maybe because I haven't turned the television on since February, I'm not getting hit with all the commercials, possibly that's one reason. I don't mean I'm sad or depressed by the approaching holidays, I'm completely indifferent to them.

 A week until Christmas eve, I have nothing done and what's worse, I really didn't have that much to do. I was supposed to do some painting back in the fall, fix the place up a little and invite people over. I kept procrastinating and now it's too cold to open windows, so I don't want to paint, can't stand the fumes. Well there is also that little thing about Christmas being next week! I keep saying that it feels like I just put the decorations away, so maybe if I keep walking around like a zombie, it will pass and I won't notice a thing.

 I had planned on putting up Christmas lights December first, I thought that way... I would get full value out of my frozen fingers. Usually I like the lights up by second or third week of December because of the darkness at this time of year. However I haven't noticed the short days this year, it's very odd, I hope I'm not going to get hit by some "late dark days " depression or something strange like that.

 To help myself get into the Christmas mood, I bought something that usually helps kick start my holiday mood. This always reminds me of being at my maternal grandmother's house. I love the music in the cartoon as well.

 Good grief... if Snoopy can't help me... then nobody can!

Sunday, December 15, 2019

Winter returns, with a VENGEANCE!

 Yesterday it was warm and with it came heavy rains. The weather networks were calling for cooling temperatures in the evening, with snow at midnight. However mother nature didn't listen to the news. By six in the evening the temperature dropped and my car was already covered in snow. The wind picked up and my power kept going out for hours at a time. The snow stuck to the wet trees and they started to topple over onto the power lines. Sometime during the night my power went off and it's still not on. I'm sitting in a coffee shop typing this and having something warm to eat. I may not have power back on until tomorrow. My house is c.c.coooooold.

 Winter decided to come back with a vengeance. I guess we need the snow for Santa but... I can't really complain, the second week of November looked frightening but since then we have had a decent fall. I went out this morning, sometimes vengeance can be pretty.

 I like to follow, Two Men and a Farm, it makes me smile when talking about what they are growing at their farm around this time of year. This is my garden, snowpeas maybe??? Ice wine perhaps?

 I'm not getting these apples, now that they are frozen, a little too crispy for my liking! Plus to high up on a snow covered ladder.

 Okay Santa, we're ready!

Saturday, December 14, 2019

Good for the soul.

 After the lunch I had Friday, I went to do some Solstice shopping, Christmas shopping, all inclusive Holiday Season shopping? Later while having a snack, I text my childhood friend Andrew, to talk about our lunch earlier with our mutual friend Chris.

 It's an odd feeling, I spent most of my early years with these guys, so they almost feel like family and yet at the same time, I don't know them as adults. I had heard that Chris turned out to be a really nice guy and it was completely true. Nice is not a descriptive enough word for him. He also had this natural, gently flowing comical side that kept things positive during our conversation. Both Andrew and I have had a lot of sadness in our lives, Chris didn't have it easy growing up either. Yet he somehow kept us from going down a dark path when talking about tragedy. It was like he kept picking us up, dusting us off and sending us on our way. I can't remember ever enjoying a lunch between friends as much as I did yesterday. There is also the added connection of having the same experiences in school, living in the area we did and now facing life in the same age bracket.

 I sent a text to Andrew saying how much I enjoyed the lunch, and I said, "lol, Chris was so funny, such a happy guy"! Andrew text back, "and is always like that, very positive". I text back, "he's good for the soul"!

 I really mean that, "good for the soul" it wasn't just a lunch, it was a positive experience. Just like there are people who can bring you down, there are also people who lift you up, maybe not as many unfortunately but they are there, we need to have more of these people in our lives, we need to surround ourselves with people like this. My wish for you is to find the people who will lift you up. Let your goal be that interactions between people who are supposed to care for you, be positive experiences, it shouldn't feel like just spending time together, it should be a connection. I really believe you should come away from being with someone, feeling like you want to relive that moment over and over. I want you to be able to walk away smiling and thinking, "that person is good for me".

Friday, December 13, 2019

More straight buddy texts.

 Love reconnecting with my straight buddy.

Him: Are you in town Friday?

Me: Yes, I don't have to work but I will be in town. Why do you ask?

Him: I thought we could have lunch.

Me: Okay sounds good.

Him: What are you doing later in the day then?

Me: Errands, why?

Him: No reason, just nosey. Errands is code for you are doing something shameful and don't want to tell me!

Me: Wow! You really do speak Gay, I'm going to have to watch myself. Well if you want, you can come watch me get my nipples tattooed!

Him: I could ask Chris to join us for lunch.

Me: Sure, it would be great to see him again! Plus you said we should do a three-way sometime.

Him: You and your fantasies again. We could meet at M's pub it's a good place for lunch.

Me: Oooh no, I've been banned from there! Oops sorry three-way lunch, darn auto correct!

Him: Banned, for doing what?

Me: Errands... I was doing Errands... he used to be a waiter there!

Him: The dude with short dark hair?

Me: I think we better cut back on the jokes around Chris, I don't want to shock the poor guy.

Him: Yeah you're right, you should see how uncomfortable he gets when I make fun of gay people!

Me: So... sounds like I'm going to like him a lot better than you?

Him: :D

 Tomorrow I will see another school friend, he is the guy I let find out second hand that I'm gay. Then after I regretted not telling him myself. I just saw his picture and it was a relief that he looks the same... well except for grey hair and a little heavier, like the rest of us lol. I'm excited to see him again.

 Just had the lunch, holy cow did the three of us ever laugh over old times. Chris has become a really sweet kind hearted guy. I always liked him and life has turned out well for him. There was an "oh wow" moment when he said that his daughter is 26, married and just had her second child. I could be a grandpa now if I married young... well also if I was straight.

Thursday, December 12, 2019

Oh no, another music video?

 I don't listen very much to pop music, it's not my thing. If I have no choice but to listen to a pop station while driving, I find for every song I like, there are about twenty five that I can't stand. Lately I kept hearing a rather pretty song, a sad song about lost love, anyone who has been through a heartbreaking relationship, will feel the words. Finally I had to google the song and... oh no... no no it can't be... it's a Selena Gomez song.

 I used to think she was riding our good Canadian boy Justin Bieber's coattails to fame. Now that he looks like he needs a bath and attitude adjustment, I'm no longer team Justin, I'm team Selena, for reals as we kids say. She is turning out to be a beautiful, mature professional young woman. Justin has become a joke... like Lindsay Lohan or Kanye West. Anyway sorry but this is stuck in my head now. It really is pretty.
 Oh yeah ...and screw you, little white trash bitch Bieber! Selena all the way! Hahaha!

Goodbye winter???

 Well so we have already settled in for a long winter... umm probably back in November actually... but to be honest, it feels like winter came back in July.
We were having the usual snow storms blah blah blah, when all of a sudden, mother nature said, "yeah you guys are right, to heck with this winter garbage". Then she turned on the heaters and pressto we had spring again!

 It reached plus 8.9 degrees Celsius here, plus ten in Ottawa. I was searching for my shorts. I ran outside to catch up on some outdoor chores, at plus eight I was enjoying working outside. Spring! Spring! Yaaaaay! Well at least for a day, mother nature soon got over her hot flashes and it dropped to well below freezing last night. I tried to start my old tractor this morning and she said, "oh hell no, you're on your own kid, I'm staying right here".

 Anyway, a nice break from winter.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Maybe something here?

 This morning's thoughts by Steven, "cold cold freezing cold *¡#ing winter cold cookies cold. Well not totally... something else has been taking over my thought treadmill. The following questions are starting to show up, "what does this mean"? "Is there something here"? "Is this just wishful thinking"? I'm trying to seem relaxed and cooool about the sudden attention I have been receiving from a certain man. Yesterday all was quiet, I felt he probably regained his senses and was maybe even a little embarrassed by his sudden interest to me. I imagined us over the next few weeks, speaking to each other again at some party, maybe with him... grinning sheepishly at me, we would pretend nothing happened and move on. He was married, his life is a little complicated at times, so he probably would feel it's better not to start something.

 This morning when I went to check for emails and texts, I thought to myself, "if I'm wrong, if he is interested, if there is actually something to this, then he won't be able to help himself, he will need to email me. When I turned on my phone... there were both an email and message from him. I felt a little "whoa" in my stomach. The messages were cute actually, along the lines of, "it's going to be awhile before we can see each other because not a lot of group activities during the holidays". Meaning, is it okay to get together somehow, well I guess I better work on that. Hmmm, that reminds me, I missed Monday night's gay bowling!

 I'm taking this slow, I will see how we connect or don't connect. I make sure to always answer him in a positive tone, a friendly tone, this way I'm hoping he feels comfortable to reveal what is on his mind without fear of rejection. Meanwhile I'm enjoying the attention, like I said, it just feels really nice.

Tuesday, December 10, 2019

Thanks for the memories.

 As I get older... and older, one of the things that almost hurts, is when I hear about some entertainer from my teenage years dying. It's like part of my youth dies, and I guess it does. It also jolts me when I think, "how long ago was that"?

 Rest in peace Marie Fredriksson, female voice of Roxette.

Monday, December 9, 2019

A Note to Steve... UPDATE! O.O

 Well... this is getting interesting! I forgot to mention that the man who sent me the nice message, was someone that I had met on line last year. I forgot to mention it because I forgot all about that. I had been trying to get this guy's attention but was having no luck, we had emailed back and forth but he didn't seem that interested in me and eventually I let it drop. I remembered that we had sent online messages but I couldn't remember if we emailed.

 Fast forward to this fall and we figured out who each of us was. Even if I wanted to email him, I wouldn't know where to look. I responded yesterday on the mutual site we belong to. This evening I received an email that wasn't familiar to me. I could read the first few lines and realized who it was, it's my new friend. Wow, that really impressed me, that means he took the time to find my email from a year ago and to send another message, it means he was worried I wouldn't see the first message or maybe not take that message seriously, it means he was thinking about me yesterday and today. He is bisexual, he was married with kids (adults now), he still is similar to a straight guy in his thinking, so it feels pretty good for me tonight because when a straight-ish man is interested in you, it can seem cute and clumsy all at the same time.. but you know it. I'm not going to over think this, maybe nothing will come of this but it makes you feel like a kid again in a cool way... because that awkward kid in high school just got a note from an older boy and he's enjoying this.

A Note to Steve.

 I'm awake early, I'm not supposed to be up yet but my body is saying get up. That's a strange thing that often happens when I am over tired, instead of sleeping like a baby, I'm awake early. This will give me time to google parts for my dryer, the belt broke so I have no way to dry my clothes, grrrr! It's supposed to rain for the next two days, I guess that will wash away early Christmas spirit. I am just not feeling Christmas, it's not that I'm depressed or "bah humbug" hate Christmas, no it's nothing like that, honestly I can't believe that the calendar has swung around to that time of year again! I just don't believe that it's in two weeks!

 Yesterday I received a little note online from someone who was at the party Saturday but had to leave early. I was actually a little sad that he had to leave, I like talking to him and hope to become friends with him. I was a little surprised by the note, we have been getting along and I do like this man but I didn't perceive anything out of the ordinary from him. Well... okay I have to confess... I have had sex with this guy about two weeks ago but that doesn't always mean anything in gay culture, (oddly enough).  The note said that while he was around me at the party, he wanted to hold me, kiss me, cuddle me but he didn't know if that would be okay. I had to read it twice, yup it says what I think it says. That makes a person feel good inside, to be desired by someone, to be noticed by someone.

 I sent the man a message back thanking him. Then I explained to him that I am a very properly raised alter boy and that it's never okay for him to try and make a move on me. I also explained that he needs permission to touch me from all my blog friends first! Well... that's not exactly what I said. I told him that I find him attractive, that I feel a chemistry between us and I said going forward... it's perfectly okay for him to try and cuddle me. :D

Sunday, December 8, 2019

No time for the dead.

 Today I was a little late getting to curling, well that happens when you are partying out all night. Anyway as I was trotting up to the change room, I could still see many people around the tables. Good, I was thinking in my head, I won't look late. When I went in, my skip said, "we are not playing today". Two friends stepped forward and asked if I heard the news? Sadly one team member committed suicide this weekend.

 He was the typical shocker of a story, nice guy, friendly, always smiling and joking, not the kind of person you think would do that. Yet we almost always read that positive description of someone who committed suicide. Everyone wanted to sit around and talk about it, not me. I didn't really know him, I'm not allowing myself to be sucked into his drama. Obviously he was hurting inside about something and wouldn't get help. I know this is about mental illness or maybe he received terrible news and couldn't go on... but I feel a little bit of anger when I think of the death and illness that I have seen lately. I told my teammates that I was home late this morning so I would return home. I text another friend to tell him what happened. I told my friend about not staying behind to talk, I said there is plenty of time to be dead there is so little time to be alive.

My Drive of Shame.

 It's 3:00 am and I'm almost home, like the "walk of shame", I'm on my drive of shame home lol. I was at a gay Christmas party, unfortunately there were a lot of bisexual guys there and all they kept wanting to talk about was... ewww.. uuugh... yuck.. icky... hot women. Actually there wasn't a lot of guys, most didn't come so my evening was "meh". Still I did enjoy myself, some pizza, movies and socializing is still better than staying home.

Friday, December 6, 2019

Gay bowling? Oh balls!

 I recently joined another LGBTQ club, they have a large group of people and do different social events together. One event coming up in the next week is gay bowling, well actually it's just bowling with gay people but gay bowling sounds funnier. Bowling is something that I have always wanted to try, I have just never had the opportunity. I figured since I already do curling, I should give this a try. If I like it, maybe I'll take it up as a social event. It will get me out with the gays, such a fun bunch. I wonder if we will be using pink balls. Maddie stop giggling!

 Speaking of balls.... there's one thing about running with the gay crowd that I'm not crazy about. It's considered to be polite in gay male society to shave our balls. Okay now Maddie you can giggle. That's right, what many of you straight people might not be aware of, many gay men shave the boys. No... I'm not going into the why, you can probably guess many of the reasons but it happens.

 Some guys must have a sack of leather, shaving doesn't seem to bother them. Some even enjoy doing it. Me, on the other hand have skin like tissue paper down there. It's ball torture and not the fun s&m kind. When I'm done, the bathroom looks like I have performed surgery on myself. After sitting in a cold water bath (to put the fire out... well not a real fire, it just feels that way) the stinging lessons. I can't help thinking about those aftershave commercials or home alone... aaaaah!

 What we do for beauty, this wasn't in the handbook that I got with the toaster oven. To be honest I have been holding back on you guys, what can I say.. I'm shy and private about certain things. I carry with me now what I call my gay sex backpack, all the supplies for safe and erotic male fun. I'm meeting up with a relaxed bunch of guys and things are going to get friendly, not too wild but extremely friendly. This is me accepting and enjoying my sexuality now. I'm only telling you this because I don't want anyone to think I'm just sitting up at the farm alone. I'm being gay and to be honest, gay is fun.

Thursday, December 5, 2019

Redundant call.

The other morning the land line phone started ringing. It made me very uneasy because mom has been unwell lately and usually an early morning call is not good. I had just gone upstairs and ran back down to get it.

 "Good morning sir, this is Nadia and I am calling as the head of the department for the Psychic Institute of Montreal".

 I had to give my head a good morning shake, did this woman just say she was the head of a psychic department? "Ummm pardon me, what did you just say"?

 "My name is Nadia and I'm calling as the head of the department for the Psychic Institute of Montreal. Do you know what that means psychic, do you know what it means to be psychic"?

  Never call a smarty pants like me and ask a stupid question. "Well to be honest I don't think you are very good psychics because you should have seen this coming". [Click]

Tuesday, December 3, 2019

Nothing Post.

 I kept going to post but I kept forgetting what the topics were that I was going to use... and I'm feeling "meh" about posting today. I don't want to put in the energy to a thoughtful post. Maybe... (lol) try Sixpence's blog... that man posts some good s##t on his site! Except when I was waiting in the doctor's office and I opened his blog and he had all these gifs of guys masturbating! I nearly dropped my phone with all the sudden vids of men pumping the piston... and me surrounded by little old ladies with the sniffles. Thanks a lot Sixpence!

 I'm really enjoying reconnecting with my old school friend and the best part is he is reconnecting with all of me, gay warts and everything. It's sweet the way he is wishing he could go back in time to support me, to protect me, that's a real man right there.

 The other thing is we still have the same sense of humour (humor 4 Deedles :D) and if anyone was reading our texts, they would have us committed. It's funny how he tries to get under my skin and I pretend not to notice.
Him: Political correctness is ruining free speech!
Me: Why do you say that?
Him: Well they are taking away the phrase, "that's so gay" it's a perfect phrase to describe something stupid, now I can only use it around my brother.
Me: OMG! We're not allowed to say, "that's so gay"? No wonder I got so many dirty looks at pride!
Him: You really do get me! :.)...
Me: That's so MAGA of you... straight boy!

 I think that I just invented a new catch phrase... "that's so MAGA of you"! Seriously lol, that does instantly describe a negative agenda and the type of people who believe in that agenda. If someone says something racist, to show displeasure you would say, "wow that was so MAGA of you" and it works for prejudice against religions and homophobic comments as well! It's perfect because as soon as you say "MAGA" you suddenly have visions of the negative groups that go with that movement. It would be a perfect insult because if you're intelligent, you wouldn't want to be associated with that movement... and if you are less intelligent, you probably would take it as a compliment... and that's so MAGA!

Sunday, December 1, 2019

It's December! Say Whaaat?

 What I should do is make a bunch of wreaths out of that dang blasted tree that came down on my shed. A neighbour with a really large tractor came and was able to lift the tree and then push it off. There is damage but I will probably wait until spring to fix it. I was lucky in how it came down near a support beam, it could have gone completely through. Where is a herd of beavers when you need them.

 I received my first Christmas card already on Wednesday. It came from sunny Puerto Vallarta, a gay friend of mine retired last summer from the government. Apparently he left at the beginning of November and isn't coming back until May, sweet!

 I love getting Christmas cards but I never think to send them out so each year I get less. I think my favorite is the funny ones, I was in a drugstore the other day, snickering like crazy over funny Christmas cards, yes my life is sad at times but I'm having fun.

 I wasn't able to meet up with gay friends today because of the snow fall warnings. I had my curling this afternoon which is only fifteen minutes from the farm so I wasn't worried about missing that. We were supposed to meet up in the city later on after my curling but I cancelled. It's 9:30 p.m. and there hasn't been one single snowflake fall yet, I would have been safely back by now, grrrr... typical!

 As a gay man I have to admit I love the festivities of the Christmas/holiday season, once I became mature enough to take all the stress and negativity out of it, I can embrace the cheerfulness and fun of it. I just scaled it back to what it used to be, people didn't spend Christmas shopping in a mall in my grandparents day. They knew how to have fun, I've heard the stories!

It's coming people, accept it! :D

Saturday, November 30, 2019

November's end.

The end of November already, the boring, grey, dreary, month. Like a Kevin Costner movie, we will just plow through it to the end and then forget about it. Today was sunny but cold, I did work outside for a while but depressingly enough, the sun started setting at 3:54. Tomorrow will be December already, where does the time go? I can't believe it's time to start pulling out and setting up the Christmas lights. I'm not sure how much I'm going to do this year, I may just put up outside lights and no decorations inside. I seriously feel like I just put everything away from the last holiday season, lol. Wasn't Halloween this past week?

  I was told an interesting story by one of my new gay friends, regarding an incident that happened to him. It sadly seems to be very common and it's something that really makes me angry.

 My new buddy (Mike), had been married with children by the time he realized what gay meant. Mike divorced his wife and was worried that his church wouldn't accept him, he was a member of an evangelical church. Surprisingly the minister was kind and compassionate, he told Mike, that he was always welcomed there.

 Many in that church were not happy to have a progressive, loving, caring minister, they worked to have him removed and finally were successful. They brought in a minister that was less loving, caring and compassionate, one that was more in line with evangelical beliefs. Every week as he thumped the bible, he preached about how homosexuality was the cause of all ills. Finally Mike had enough and left the church.

 Mike began to discover his sexuality and made some good friends. One friend asked Mike to join his church as it was more accepting of gay people, he did and never looked back. He began to form a positive community around himself. This friend of Mike's also functioned as a friend with benefits, they often hooked up so that Mike could see what he had been missing and learn a thing or two! One day the friend asked Mike if he wanted to try having a third partner added in for excitement, he said yes.

 The friend told Mike that he knew someone who would be interested in a three-way as well. Apparently the guy told the friend that he knew Mike when shown Mike's picture and really wanted to hook up with them. Mike was really excited about trying something new and showed up early to his friend's house. There he excitedly waited to see who was going to walk through the door. The door opened and Mike instantly felt rage! Standing there.. was the hateful evangelical minister.

 Mike was tongue tied, he could only keep saying, "how dare you! How dare you"! The minister thought the situation was funny, he couldn't see why Mike was so upset, he was surprised by Mike leaving. Mike couldn't believe the boldness of the minister... to recognize Mike's picture and try to hook up with him. Mike stormed out saying, "not even if you were the last man on earth"!

 I'm not going to add anything to this, I'm tired of this garbage, what more is there for me to say? Those types of people with that selfish warped way of thinking, speak for themselves.

Friday, November 29, 2019

Don't let the door hit your a...

 We had been having a beautiful end of November, oddly enough it was much warmer and sunnier than at the beginning of November. In the beginning of the month, some nights were equal to our January or February with temperatures at nearly twenty degrees below the freezing mark. Fortunately the last week warmed up, the sun came out, the snow melted. There was even a smell of spring in the air. Some of my friends were joking about winter being over already.

 This was all that was left of a snow bank by Tuesday. Everything was roses again... that is until yesterday. Winter roared back in like the son of a b.... that it is. High winds, ice pellets, snow freezing onto everything and this!!!

  Anyone want a free Christmas tree? It only weighs a couple of tonnes!

 Busted a hole right through my good tin roof! Dirty ba... umm.. bugger.
 Absolutely fantastic, of all the places to fall. Stupid tree, you do know that firewood is valuable this time of year you giant weed!
 This morning the winter storm started moving out. Good riddance! Goodbye winter storm, while on your way out, careful not to let the door hit you on the a...

Thursday, November 28, 2019

The gay wedding cake dilemma.

 I have noticed something with many of the gay people I have been meeting lately. A lot of them are married and I immediately think,"awwwwh, that's sweet". Some of the spouses I have met, some I have not. The odd thing for me however is often at a party or gathering, I will go to use the washroom... and I will walk right into one of the married guys, fooling around with someone else. It's been explained to me that they are married but also have sex with other men. Sometimes it's with a complete stranger that they just met.

 In my mind, that's like the old saying about having your cake and eating it too. It's just "my opinion" but I instantly feel like their marriage is a pretend marriage, like children playing house, they follow the rules sometimes but go separate ways at other times. I could see a couple that wanted to spice up their life, maybe add in a friend, I don't have a problem with that. To me it's just completely different if the spouses are going out all the time separately and meeting up with people for sex. They are married but they're still dating... or playing the field.

 I know I have some old fashioned ideas but I'm also a romantic, I want a husband that is thinking about me during the day, not about hooking up with some guy he saw online. It doesn't seem like a union of two people who love each other, more like a contract between two buddies living together. I wouldn't feel someone was genuine if they were trying to date me, while at the same time, working on hooking up with others, I would actually feel slighted.

I'm not telling people how to live their life, I'm just saying that I don't personally take their relationship that seriously because I think they are not taking the relationship seriously themselves. I know relationships are changing and becoming less monogamous but it seems really strange to me.

Tuesday, November 26, 2019

Hard words, made easy!

 I have been joking with people that I'm calling this "my second coming...out". I was talking about it with the guys at the party and everyone has a coming out story. One guy said something that explained to me why I suddenly stopped telling people. We all agreed that we are constantly coming out, the guy said that when he meets new people, he then introduces his husband so for him he doesn't need a coming out moment, every time he introduces his husband, he is essentially coming out.

 I think that's the hiccup for me, when I was with Dan, I wouldn't go anywhere without him, so it was an automatic out moment for me. I think also when you are in love, you want everyone to know the great person that has entered your life. When you are single, you just get into the habit of not saying anything. I see that's silly now, I shouldn't have let it go this long.

 I did however always hate that awkward moment, when I am about to tell someone. My heart pounding between my ears, getting ready to pick the right time, hoping I don't get misty eyed and even worse, the right words to use. I wished there was a way to erase the tension, to take away the pressure and awkwardness. I have found my way, I have discovered how to be me and still tell people without feeling like I'm under stage lights.

 Yesterday I told a buddy of mine, we have known each other since we were kids. I used my new method, it always works for me. First I trick internal chicken Steven. He's usually saying something like, "are you going to tell him? Why don't you wait until next week, I'm not ready for this, the timing is bad". I assure internal chicken Steven that I'm not telling anyone today. Then as I relax, I suddenly say to the person, "there's something I want to tell you, I prefer you hear it from me", then internal chicken Steven says, "are we doing this? Oh... I guess then we are doing this, he tricked me"! I laugh a little and then say these smarty pants words, "it has to do with why you have never seen me with a girlfriend" and I'm done, perfect coming out. Usually the person starts laughing with me and then nods their head knowingly. There is no big drama moment where I say I'm gay and feel like I am about to pass out, or they scramble for words trying to sound supportive. I do it in a light hearted way and everyone understands what I am saying. Even better they feel free to jump in right away and talk about it. My friend started saying, "it's all good Steven, I have been through my own crap and I stopped judging people long, long ago. Live your life, you have to live your own life, it's going to feel much better now that you're out, it should take any weight off or pressure off". We talk about some things and then moved on to other conversations that we often have, like nothing happened, as it should be.

Monday, November 25, 2019

Being pursued... feels great!

 It's one month until WHAT??? I wanted to get my kitchen painted before Christmas. Unfortunately with temperatures turning freezing cold, me getting a cold and other adventures, it's now or never, so I'm choosing never, lol.

 On the weekend I met some new people, nice guys but no one in particular that caught my attention. Apparently I caught someone's attention however. There was a guy there that kept subtly blocking everyone else from sitting close to me. He constantly positioned himself between me and the other guys. At first I thought it was just my imagination but I began to watch his actions and he was definitely friend blocking the other guys. Later as the party went on, he was "concerned" about my long drive home and offered me his spare room, a couple of times actually. Then as I was leaving he left also. As we were walking to our cars he said something I thought was cute. Again he offered me the spare room, then he awkwardly said, " umm or... if you want, you can always sleep in with me". I thanked him and said I was fine to drive home. He is not really my type of man, unfortunately and I never felt any attraction when I first met him, that's always the way it seems in life.

 Yesterday I received a message from him on the site we belong to, it was polite and mostly about how he enjoyed meeting me. No one has ever contacted me before so the message means something. I don't want to lead this person on so I have been very cool with my responses. Still, I have to admit that it feels really nice to be pursued, makes me feel young again, makes me feel attractive. If he keeps it up, I may not be able to resist.

Sunday, November 24, 2019

Don't kiss me Smokey!

 The one cultural thing that takes me some getting used to about gay society, is the habit gay men have of kissing each other. It always has to be on the lips and after hanging around for awhile and having a few drinks, they want to slip you some tongue... eww. There I said it... ewww, or I actually I really mean YUCKEEEEWWWWW!

 Okay I have been getting used to the kissing and once I start to know someone, it does feel like an intimate way to say hello. However, HOWEVER, if you want me to kiss you... stop smoking!!!!!! Yuck... lick an ashtray much? Chewing gum and using mouthwash makes it taste like licking an ashtray with some mint added in!

 The problem now is many gay men follow the trends of either smoking an expensive cigar to relax or smoking pot. I don't care, you can debate me all you want, smoking is smoking is smoking to a non smoker. It's an automatic turn off to me. You can't hide it and it can't be good for you. You sweat smoke, your hair smells of smoke, I can taste it in your mouth even if you haven't touched it today. It's a stale bitter taste or smell.... and it always makes me think of death.

The Nice Homosexual People.

 I spent the evening with some nice homosexuals. Some I had met before, many I had not. They were a friendly bunch of homosexuals, we talked, we laughed and we ate pizza. It was pretty funny when the music being streamed in suddenly started to talk about the bible and Jesus, it must have been a sign to find a nice girl. Although most of the guys there had found a nice girl and traded her in.

 Typical of me, I forgot stuff there. I realized it half way home. I don't think it's Alzheimer's, I have always done that when I am distracted, take of without checking around and leave stuff behind.

 Some of the people are involved in performing groups like gay choirs etc, I may go to listen but mostly to network. No husband material there tonight but that's what I'm hoping comes with networking. I made another couple of friends, I'm adding to the gay flock.

Friday, November 22, 2019

How to....

 I  have been sick lately, something like a cold only it lasts longer, about four weeks. It been going around, many people have it. One of the symptoms is a choking cough that really kicks into gear at night. You start coughing around eight in the evening and continually cough until about two or three in the morning. Nothing will relieve the coughing, it's like when you are drinking water and it goes down the wrong way. This makes you completely exhausted. I decided to stay away from mom because I didn't want to bring that into the home.

 Tonight I went to see mom and for a split second the reunion made me forget her illness. I was immediately jolted back to reality when I found her wandering away from her dinner like a zombie. She seemed extra "out of it" tonight. Again it hits me hard, there is mom's body but "mom" is no longer there. I got her to sit back down and I was almost in tears trying to feed her. How did this happen to her, how can this happen to her, why did this happen to her.

 I suddenly feel panicked, is this going to happen to me? If I go like her, I may only have a few years left. I can't let this happen to me. I don't want to end up like that. I can't end up like that, it's old people prison, the crime is getting old and sick, then you are sentenced to five, ten or twenty years in senior jail. I start to think of the least gruesome ways to die. I don't want to live like that, I'm wondering if I get Alzheimer's, how do I...

 Anyway I'm going to meet a bunch of homosexuals tomorrow, hopefully they can cheer me up. The clock is ticking... hurry up and enjoy life. A neighbour who lives about a mile from me, felt unwell and went to her doctor. She told the doctor that she started to have heartburn and thought it could be gallstones. After a bunch of tests, they told her that she has liver cancer and that it spread to her lungs and other organs. She's only 46, now instead of planning for retirement in a few years, she is planning for her funeral. Hurry up and seize life, tomorrow may be too late.

 Yes... I'm okay now.

Wednesday, November 20, 2019

Oh horror! Oh Christmas Shopping Horror!

 Today I was in a mall, I wanted to pick up a few things and get a haircut. I also decided to eat there as it would save me from having to cook at home later. The mall is completely decorated for the holidays and there was even some Christmas music playing. At the barbershop, which is right inside the mall, I couldn't help staring at the guy beside me, I could do it discreetly using the mirror, he was a cutie and he got a brush cut and his beard neatly trimmed, grrrrowl, unfortunately he didn't ask me to go home with him and make sweet sweet love to him all evening, darn I hate it when that happens.

 As I was coming out of the barbershop, something horrible began to take place. Maddie I need you to hold my hand as I tell this, I know you will understand me the most. Walking out into the mall, there was a terrible sound, I asked people if someone was playing the bagpipes... or actually if someone was murdering a goose by beating it to death with a set of bagpipes! People began to cover their ears and run for the doors, dogs in parked cars began to howl outside. There was something familiar with the sound and it grew louder. People suddenly ran for the doors screaming as blood began to run out of their ears. An elderly woman was shoved to the ground and as I tried to help her up, she heroically tried to wave me on, she said, "save yourself young man, leave me here, run for your life sweetie.... it's that fucking Mariah Carey song"!

 At the mention of the song, a woman near us screamed in horror and fainted. That's it, that was the sound, it wasn't someone stepping on a cat in heat, it was Mariah Carey singing "All I want for Christmas"! I grabbed the old lady and put her arm around my shoulder, I told her I'm not leaving anyone behind! Well except the lady who fainted because she was wearing a Grey's Anatomy sweatshirt, so you get what you deserve. As we were running for the doors, a young girl stopped us, she pointed to a speaker on the wall, without missing a beat, I took the old lady's cane and beat the sparks out of the speaker. Once outside the police had arrived, looking panicked, he asked what was happening. I just blurted out, "Mariahalliwantforchristmasscreaming"! Jumping as if he had been stung by a bee, he ran to the trunk of his car and pulled out a police issue shotgun. With a cool strong tone in his voice he said, "I've got this". He went in and took care of the speakers, then after twenty minutes they led out Martha, the holiday coordinator for the mall, in handcuffs. I don't know what will happen to her but I hope she ends up in a cell where they play Celine Dion's "Oh Holy Night" on a loop over and over until Easter as punishment.

 I bought cookies at the drug store because they were on sale for $1.99 and went home after, the end. This is a true story.... well the part about the cookies on sale is true.

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

Frienergy Conservation.

 The definition of frienergy conservation is "stopping yourself from placing any energy into a friendship that will go nowhere". I just made that up but it's a very real thing with myself and some other friends. I was having tea and homemade apple pie with a neighbor Saturday, we were discussing my recent explanation to her as to why I liked Abba, Glee and Olympic male diving events.

 She was wondering if she or her husband had done something or said something stupid to make me feel like I wasn't able to tell them about my fascination with the idea of Tarzan's loincloth falling off. I told her "no", that I have known for years I was able to tell them, that I actually came close to telling them a few times but I could feel myself suddenly become emotional and ditched the attempt.

 I love this couple, they are as close to being family as possible. Actually there is cross marriage between my family and theirs so we have a slight connection. I was explaining to her that I "test" people, I have been doing that for years now. It's simple, just bring up something in the news like some singer coming out as gay. Most people like to offer their opinion, you are either going to get, "I'm happy that person is free to live their life" or the person will look around to see if anyone is within ear shot and say, "I'm sick and tired of gay people shoving their lifestyle onto everyone else". Then I think, "okay noted", I'm not wasting my time getting to know you.

 I only invest time in friendships that I know will allow me to be me. I used to think that I may tell the person or I may not tell the person, either way I know it would not end the friendship. Lately however I feel that I am going to tell all my friends, it suddenly has become silly to me, not to tell my friends. I also look for attitudes towards other things as well, I have friends from other countries that I absolutely adore, so if I hear a mind closed to understanding people from other countries, I also don't bother, plus I find those people usually see everything in a negative light and it becomes a complete drain to be around them.

 When I explained that I test people to see if it's worth my while to continue with a friendship, she suddenly smiled and said that she does the exact same thing and completely understands. Both of us feel as we get older, there is no point in wasting the effort of maintaining a friendship or starting a friendship that will end. She went on to explain that now since they are older, she and her husband try to get close to people who are going to stay around as they all age. She told me of two couples that they are close friends with, she said how those two couples are getting ready to move across the country once they retire within the next year. They want to live on the west coast where it is warmer and also spend half the year down south. My neighbor went on to say that she has slowly been moving away from those couples and concentrating more on the friendships of people who are going to be around. What's the point of getting close to someone that will soon become nothing more than a twice a year postcard.

 People in the country see things differently but that's because we rely on friends and neighbors much more than in the city. An elderly couple in the country without a network of friends, is actually placing themselves in danger, so that is part of her thinking.

 As for myself I just want to be happy and a good way to do that is surround myself with some interesting people. Everyone I know fills in a gap for me and so I want that space to stay filled and the only way to do that is chose each piece carefully... as I fit them in.

Sunday, November 17, 2019

Thanks for the help... not!

 I was thinking about the odd relationship I had with my parents, especially when young. This was sparked by a friend who remarked how our parents taught us that emotions were bad, they were weak and something to conceal behind closed doors. Some of my friends grew up without a father and some ask what my relationship was like with my Dad, they wanted to know, did he talk with me about becoming a man etc?

 My Dad was a good man in his belief of duty to provide and take care of his family. He had a lot of input regarding things like honesty, integrity and definitely manners. He didn't have sit down discussions, it was pretty much, "don't ever let me catch you doing...." fill in the blank. He also warned me that if I ever embarrassed him by doing something that landed me in jail, don't bother calling because I could rot there for all he cared. I knew he meant it, so I behaved. There were other cues of his that I followed because I wanted to be a good person like him. He was big on responsibility, taking responsibility, acting responsibly, taking things seriously.

 The one thing though that he had zero and I mean absolutely zero input on, was me growing into a man, anything to do with sex, sexuality or male anatomy. Even just me the boy, growing into me the man, not one single word. That's strange to me, I don't know if he was too embarrassed to say anything, or just really hated the topic. I would have appreciated a heads up regarding puberty, I had no idea what the heck was going on in the beginning. There were times I was actually scared.

 The thing that is so strange about it, is you must remember I grew up on a farm. Often at 9, 10 or 11 years old, we would have the following conversation, "young-lad come here, I have to go to that meeting tonight, number 12 is tied in her stall, Mike the AI (AI= artificial insemination) technician is coming because she's in heat. Tell him she had slime running out of her vagina this morning, so she's ready to breed. Make sure he uses semen from AU78, that's a good bull". I might then ask does he have a second choice incase they don't have semen from AU78. This was a very common conversation between us, a little later he would even sometimes let me pick the bulls because I could understand the heritability numbers better.

 Even with all that between us, I could never ask him a question about the changes happening to me or information I needed about growing up. At an early age I took note of his ears turning beat red and him changing the subject immediately. Either that or he would give me this look of complete disgust and make that "tsk" sound, as if I had just asked him to watch me pick my nose. I immediately knew that I could never go to him about anything, not only that... but I knew he wouldn't want me coming to him.

 Even stranger, if I had to talk about something, I went to mom, at times it could get weird, if I had a man part problem, I was talking to mom, sometimes she spoke to Dad seeking information, yet instead of Dad saying, "ok I got this", he would relay information through mom back to me. By the time I was about to turn thirteen, I never spoke to either of them about sex, nudity or sexuality ever again.

 The sad thing for them is that I learned about sex, erections, puberty and all that jazz from a guy who was total white trash, the kind of guy that they wouldn't want giving me information but young minds want to know and his guy loved telling all he knew. Also it was his cheap version of sex and sexuality, no mention of love, caring or anything positive about it. Speaking to friends I seem to be in the norm, unfortunately I think that the father and son talks in our day, were only something that happened in movies.

Saturday, November 16, 2019

How Much Farther?

 Yesterday I received the news that a friend of my parents had passed away. She was a sweet and kind person, she was also a friend of my sister and I to be honest because she was one of those adults that children loved to be around. We couldn't believe that she was a teacher, there were very few teachers that kind and caring when we were children. I often wondered what would it be like to be one of her students, she even (with permission) brought us kittens once, how can you not like someone that brings you kittens.

 The news was not really sad that she died, it's probably a blessing. It's sad in what happened to her and frankly, quite disturbing to my sister and I. She unfortunately also suffered from Alzheimer's disease. This was definitely one of those stories of a beautiful life robbed way too early. She began to show problems right after retirement. She never got to have that retirement period of being old enough to finish working but still young enough to travel and enjoy herself. It was pretty much straight to the nursing home, multiple doctors appointments and getting her affairs in order.

 The thing that frightens us is her timeline of illness. She is older than mom but not by a lot, maybe 5 to 7 years; however she was completely "gone" mentally, at least eleven years ago. I remember because my father often asked about her, we were worried about what was going to happen to mom. I often felt this woman would pass shortly after my Dad, yet here we are all these years later. It's quite possible that she died of natural causes and not the Alzheimer's, even after having it so long. As a testament to what a good teacher she was, many former students, (now adults) still came to see her, even though she no longer could remember them.

 I often say to people now, that it's not the thought of mom dying that gives me the greatest anxiety, it's the thought that she could live and suffer for another ten years or more. I was mommy's boy, I will be heartbroken when she is gone but I'm stressed at seeing her like this now. I also heard a frightening statistic, many Alzheimer's patients outlive the family members looking after them.

My sister and I also feel the clock ticking, mom suddenly showed signs at 66 but now when we think back, there may have been earlier signs. One of her younger brothers showed signs at a much earlier age. This weighs on my mind. This morning for example, I cooked eggs for breakfast. Later on as I was walking past the stove, I could feel heat coming off it. When I checked, I realized that I had cooked my eggs and then just walked away to eat, leaving the round on. This frightened me, I have done that a couple of times now. I begin to wonder, was I just sleepy, did I have something on my mind, was I just not paying attention, could this be an early sign of something else?

 What a horrible disease, it takes away the ability of perfectly healthy, normal people, to live their fullest lives during their senior years. Not only that but it seems to have the ability to drag out their humiliation and confusion for up to twenty years. Rest in peace kind lady.

Friday, November 15, 2019

So... I'm the strong one?

 As I get older, people open up to me more and more now. Gone is the need for many friends to pretend everything is running smoothly in their lives. As I get to really know people better, it always surprises me with how often they were hiding fears and anxieties or actual outright problems. I think it helps me feel more "normal", that my fears when younger were not because I'm gay and that somehow made me a weak person, they were the fears of a young person like all the young people around me.

 My old school friends and I keep saying that if we were only able to open up to each other, we would not have felt so alone and also we would probably not have been easy targets for bullies. Unfortunately we can't change the past and as young people, we couldn't see the bigger picture.

 The thing that I have been noticing, is that I seem to be able to handle crisis or confrontational situations better than most. My ego doesn't collapse, I don't fall apart, I deal as best as I can and move on. I'm starting to think that going through life as a gay person didn't hinder me in this area, it made me stronger. I find that my straight friends take great offense to some off hand comment or joke that someone made to them. Maybe because I heard much worse when younger, often I don't pay attention unless I feel it's something that needs to be pointed out. Of all the people I know, I never thought that I would see myself as one of the strong ones.

Thursday, November 14, 2019

The Thick of WINTER, ugh!

 I'm not sure if it's due to climate change or just a cycle we are experiencing but we are in the thick of winter already. The nights have been dropping to almost -20 Celsius and unfortunately that drains all the heat out of the earth. Now that the heat is gone, the snow will stay. We have been getting snow every day almost since November first. This cycle or pattern started above five years ago and seems to be the norm now.

 Usually this area doesn't kick into winter until near Christmas, there have been close calls regarding a green Christmas in past years but not lately. It was not unheard of for winter to arrive near the end of November, that has happened a few times since I was a child. It seems that now winter starts immediately following Halloween. That weighs heavy on a person's mind because what it means is six months of winter instead of four, that's a long time, six months of real winter, not the cute Hollywood winter where everyone is running around in sweaters and drinking hot chocolate. Basically we went from trick or treating and pumpkins, to deep freeze.

 Then there is the darkness, the seemingly never ending darkness. Although Tuesday night the moon was shining on the new snow and you could almost read a book from the light. December first I'm putting up lights and doing a naked pagan dance... inside.. yes inside.

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Pizza Oppression!

 I was directed to a post on the Travel Penguin's blog about vegans, regarding how nasty they can be... like those bitter starving models that just need a sandwich for Pete's sake! Hahaha, sorry if you are a vegan, I'm just pulling your chain, although brace yourself for more judgment.

 The post did make me think about something that happened at the Halloween party, something that really ticked me off. The host was ordering pizzas, he was going to get a variety as everyone has different tastes. I'm all for being inclusive, I would never want someone to feel left out. If it was me, I would order, combination, vegetarian, meat lovers etc. The host had the same idea in mind; however instead of ordering these selections, he first asked permission from the vegans/vegetarians. He asked if it was okay for him to order "carnivore pizza", would anyone "be offended" if he ordered "carnivore pizza". Nobody had objections that night, as everyone there enjoyed meat on their pizza but apparently there are members who are offended by the eating of meat and demand that no one is allowed to eat meat in their presence.

 I have a HUGE problem with that, so the vegans/vegetarians not only get to decide what kind of pizza they eat... but now get to decide what kind of pizza I eat! First.. we all had to chip in money, if you are deciding on what I'm buying to eat, then you better be paying my bill you arrogant bleeps! Second, the group doesn't want to offend anyone, well you have a problem now because I'm totally offended by someone else's views and lifestyle choices being forced on me. You're not superior because you don't eat meat, you just made a dietary choice, I respect that but you better come down off the pedestal you placed yourself on, before someone knocks you off.

 Carnivore pizza? What is up with that, we didn't chase a pizza across the svelte of Africa and tackle it to the ground. It has more vegetables on it than meat usually! I'm getting tired of being dictated to by the vegan cult. If you're that offended by how other people live, then maybe you should start a vegan club, at least that way people have the choice of joining and accepting to eat vegan/vegetarian or not. I hate this new inclusiveness that excludes to be inclusive. I feel oppressed, I'm a grown ass man and I should be able to decide what toppings are on my pizza!!!

 The Penguin's post is here.

Monday, November 11, 2019

Onward to Christmas.

 The memorials are over, the poppies put away. It started to snow this afternoon and it's supposed to be a fair amount of snow. In Canada this signals the beginning of the holiday season, we already had our Thanksgiving, Halloween is long gone so clear sailing towards Christmas and New Year. Many Canadians don't turn on their Christmas lights until tonight out of respect for Remembrance Day. My sister already contacted me regarding plans for Christmas, unfortunately mom will not be able to join us. This will be my first Christmas without Mom being part of it, I'm still not used to having Christmas without Dad but such is life. I will try to see her Christmas eve or Christmas morning if possible. At the speed time seems to be travelling, the holidays will be here in the blink of an eye.

Remembrance Day 2019.

 Today in Canada is Remembrance Day, a time to remember all the people who served our country past and present. I can't imagine what it must have been like during war time or even within the last twenty years being sent overseas to war in a foreign country. I know it's not the same but hunting season used to be crazy when I was younger, there were all these idiots from the cities that used to come out in groups of twenty, get completely drunk for days on end... and then go out shooting at everything. Fortunately that has stopped now but I can remember the uneasy feeling of hearing gun shots close to the house. I can't imagine being in a war, the feeling of knowing someone is out there actually trying to shoot you, trying to kill you. I think the bravery of those men and women is beyond belief.

 It always makes me sad and very angry when I hear the horrible stories that many tell. Angry because some men at the head of some state.. somewhere, decide that not only do they want to dictate what happens in their own country, they want to spread their warped wisdom to other countries. In making this decision they sentence some poor farmers, construction workers, office workers, everyday people to die, often in horrible ways.

 I heard that year over year, a larger percentage of Canadians take part in the memorial services, that's comforting to hear. Many people said they wanted to take part because they want a chance to show their appreciation, especially to the WWII veterans who sadly will soon no longer be with us.

 When I think of how things could have turned out, even regarding myself, imagine being gay in a world where the Nazis had won, not just me, image being a person of color or a different religion, scary. It's feels like not enough but I definitely need to say THANK YOU and not just for back then, that Nazi way of thinking keeps raising it's ugly head over and over in different forms and the truth is diplomatic meetings won't stop it.

Sunday, November 10, 2019

Straight guy love.

 Thursday a good friend and neighbor of mine dropped in. He wanted to see how I was doing. I sometimes mention him here, he is a really nice person. I have been on a bit of a coming out roll as it were, so I thought "next"! I hate making it a big dramatic moment so it suddenly went like this. I said, "before you go I just wanted to tell you something".

 It was actually funny because I heard a little voice in the back of my mind say, "oh wow are we actually doing this? Here he goes, no warning or nothing"! I went on to say, "it has to do with the reason why you never see me with a girlfriend, my sister isn't the only gay person in the family". He looked a bit confused for a second and suddenly realized what I was telling him. He said, "awww god love you Steve, that doesn't bother me, I couldn't ask for a better neighbor and friend, gay means nothing to me now, you didn't have to worry about telling me". He asked if I wanted to tell his wife in person but I didn't know when I would see her and I wasn't comfortable asking him to keep a secret from her. Instead of leaving, we talked for another two hours. He asked if he could tell his brother and sister, I said yes because I rarely see them anymore. That will however swing a door wide open, his sister is married to one of my first cousins but I'm okay with that.

 This is like my second coming... out.  Like many of you have said to me in the past, you spend the rest of your life coming out when you are LGBTQ. It was starting to get difficult again, different groups of people were crossing over and I thought it was better to hear it from me. I was thinking one day that I probably haven't told anyone I'm gay in almost seven or eight years.

 I received a text saying that I have a friend who is behind me and treasures my friendship... from a straight guy! I could never see this day coming thirty years ago. Another straight guy text me saying that I am getting the love and respect I deserve. A little overwhelming, I didn't know straight guys could be so affectionate towards a gay man, some almost protective, it feels good. The next morning I suddenly received texts from my friend's wife, saying things like, "we support you, we have your back, you cared for others now it's your turn, be your authentic self". I had given her carrots the day before so the smartass in me text back, "wow you must have really enjoyed those carrots". Well you know me, I couldn't resist.

 It's funny but over the last two months, every time I tell someone, I feel I should have done it years ago. I didn't think it mattered but somehow it does. People feel privileged when I trust them with such a personal secret and it brings us closer, I have seen people really open up to me emotionally, it's beautiful, that's the only way I can describe it, beautiful.