Saturday, June 15, 2019
It's Saturday and it's raining.. and cold, this allows for the excuse of staying indoors most of the day. This way I don't feel guilty doing my house chores, as I said before, sunny days demand outdoor activities. Apparently this is supposed to be how our summer is going to turn out. Unfortunately our weather is so far behind, it's the middle of June but looks and feels like the middle of May. A week or two ago one friend text me saying he expects to see snow, then we heard that some places a little north of us received snow, yuck. The mosquitoes are wearing little tiny snowsuits. Anyhoo it's pride month so back to the "mo" stuff.
On a serious note I heard something positive regarding the gay community. There has always been the stat that gay men have a shorter lifespan than straight men. Even more shocking is this did not include the deaths from HIV. I found that alarming, I wondered if we were wired differently and caused us to die sooner. I also wondered if it was all the extra stress we live under that straight guys don't have to deal with.
The positive news is that our lifespan is rapidly rising, fast approaching that of an average straight man. The reason for this they feel is because.... anyone? Can you guess anyone, anyone? Well if you guessed gay marriage, you would be correct. Makes sense when you consider that the "bean counters" have been saying for years that married straight guys live longer than single straight guys. Who would think that a person in a loving relationship having two people looking out for each other would be healthier, so suck it religious right-wrong! They also said that gay people living in areas where society accepted them, also had a longer lifespan. That says something about the people trying to push us back into the closet. I also think it's healthier for straight people to be happy for us, than be stressed out if we're wearing rainbow colour underwear.
Another interesting thing I heard was on a conservative radio station. Of course in Canada, conservative is generally about keeping government spending under control and not about standing in a field waiting for instructions from some god. They had on some doctors regarding transgender children, the host asked many questions about allowing the child to follow through with their wishes. Basically the doctors said that the person will eventually transitioning and the parents can either be supportive or lose their child from their life. They said however that a trans child that has their parents support generally goes on to lead a productive life, they are more likely to finish school, go on to university, start a career, have healthy relationships etc.
The flip side is children rejected by family become homeless, live on the streets, turn to the sex trade for their living, often become addicted to drugs, have a high rate of suicide, get mutilated by trying to alter their appearance, get assaulted and even murdered. I liked the factual answers, the results are clear, the doctors didn't seem to have any agenda left or right. I was pretty much ignorant about this topic to be honest but now I think society's choice is crystal clear regarding what to do, be supportive or have blood on your hands.
Friday, June 14, 2019
Dear Americans, you kept taking all our good hockey players and using them to steal our Stanley Cup, we had enough of your big-money ways and decided to get back at you. We, with our one little NBA team, beat all your teams asses and now we have the NBA championship.
We beat you in basketball... Canada BEAT YOU IN BASKETBALL! BASKETBALL! BA..SKET..BAAAAA..LLLL. You suck, deal with it. Lol :D
Thursday, June 13, 2019
I saw this video last night for the first time, I absolutely love the story going on in the video, it really moved me. I think this represents true love and it also tells a story not often seen... anywhere. The song is inspirational as well, I love the singer's raw emotion. I hope you enjoy this, it nearly made me cry :)...
Wednesday, June 12, 2019
Today I had one of those sudden moments that hit you about age. We were talking about essays in high school and I was recalling how much I hated when a teacher would say, "alright class, I want a three thousand word essay on"... I joked about installing many filler words like "and, when, the, then" etc just to get the count up. Half way through the teacher would say, "no using words over and over to get your count up, you will lose marks if you do"!
A young man I work with of twenty four, said that if I had only know there is a program that I could have used, it helps a student extend his essay by suggesting words and phrases to add in without looking like you are doing this and upsetting the teacher. I had to think for a second. Then I said sadly, "when I was in high school, computers hadn't been invented yet". That reality shocked me, especially since they are everywhere now. To be honest, yes they were starting to make an appearance by the end of my high school days, I was even in a computer class but in my early high school days, computers were only something on Star Trek.
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
The past few weeks I have been reading a lot of stories about LGBTQ people experiencing negative situations, from being called names to physical assault. A lot I feel, has to do with what happened in the last American election. It gave the homo-bigoted a sense of "our time is now". I hate using the word homophobia because those people don't have a fear of gay people, they know exactly who we are and they have an agenda of repression and hate. They should be described as homo-bigoted or homo-prejudice because they hate us and see us as some sort of damaged people who should just keep quiet and pretend to be straight.
I'm lucky however, I live in Canada and I find that things are slowly getting better all the time. I was thinking back to something that happened to my ex boyfriend over ten years ago. He was at work and asked an employee to redo something they had been working on. The guy walked away angry and said out loud something like "I hate working with a big fruit or big queer like him" words along those lines. The ex was humiliated, not everyone knew yet that he was gay. He said nothing and just let it go like gay people have often done for years.
A day later the ex was pulled into the main office. The boss had heard what happened, and was horrified. He found out because the other workers loved my ex and went en masse to have the other guy fired, they were outraged, they were behind their friend. Later my ex received a note from the guy that was fired, it was an apology letter and he felt it was sincere.
I was thinking about myself, the beautiful thing is, if I was eating lunch at work with my usual group and some dumbass came up to torment me saying, "hey heard you're a big queer, you certainly look like a fag". That guy would have a group come down on him like a hammer. He probably would get threatened physically and he definitely would have his ass fired in 1.2 seconds. It's hard to believe at times when I think back, twenty five years ago the table would have been against me, now it's the opposite. Yes we are used to having to stand up for ourselves but it's nice when you realize we are not always alone.
Monday, June 10, 2019
Keeping things on the lighter side. This morning driving through downtown, I was watching a couple of young men walking, laughing and talking on their way to work. The weather was warm so they were not wearing jackets. They had on dress shirts and a tie, I saw the same thing coming home this evening only they were older men. I love men with a tie on and a coordinated dress shirt, I found all of them looked incredibly handsome this way, I like a man dressed up, I find it presses all the right buttons with me.
I know that I joke about wearing old jeans etc but to be honest I do both. At home I like to be comfortable, if I'm invited to a neighbour's around here, I'm expected to show up in comfortable clothes, it's about relaxing and enjoying company of friends. In the city however I do like to dress up and go out every now and again. I love it when the guys at work have to dress up, it makes them show like the handsome peacocks they really are. I like when a group of us dress up to go out, that never happens anymore.
The other day I bought some dress shirts, I get a little thrill out of doing that, a gay man that enjoys shopping, go figure. I'm not sure if you have Winners or Marshalls where you live, name brand clothes sold for much less of a price, I love going there. When I came home, I was looking over my haul, as I went to put them away there was a bag hanging inside one of the closets, when I opened the bag... jackpot! Apparently I went shopping and completely forgot about these shirts! I was thrilled all over again because I didn't remember what I bought lol. It must have been just before Christmas and I hung up the bag and forgot.
Anyway, handsome men with ties, oh yes that makes my day! I think if I ever get to marry someone, he better not show up in shorts, t-shirt and sandals or it's a divorce before the wedding even happens!
Sunday, June 9, 2019
I was visiting mom yesterday, I love the place more and more with each visit. This weekend is gorgeous, summer has finally arrived, sunshine and warm weather. They told me everyone is outback in "the garden". I went out through what appeared to be a sitting room designed with the feel of a country lodge. Out back was an area with flowers and a vegetable garden. They had the people relaxing in the shade. How perfectly healthy is that, mentally and physically, no more being locked up like in an asylum for mom. It gives family members a sense of peace and comfort.
There is an interesting "buzz" going around about an elderly woman's son that looks really young for his age. Some of the workers on different shifts whisper to each other, "wait until you see her son, he looks like her grandson". That lucky little bas...ket who wouldn't want to stay young looking. Even better would be to feel young, I have to say that I have aged well up to now, all good things come to an end, I'm starting to slowly feel like I'm falling apart, I'm getting rusty, the warranty is up. Like some of my older cousins, I can soon look forward to having replacement parts installed.
A staff member at mom's home approaches me upon seeing me with mom, all smiles and friendly, she wants to update me about mom. She asks me, "are you her grandson"? I answer, "no I'm her son". Her eyes suddenly get really big and then a huge smile comes on her face, "oooh, I heard about you... they say wait until you see her son, he looks like her grandson... so that must be you"! Yes... why yes it is me, the incredibly young, handsome looking son who could pass as her grandson... so deal with it all you bitches in blog land! Hahaha, this is one of my happy posts. Like I said at the beginning of this post, I'm loving this new home for mom more and more all the time! :D
Saturday, June 8, 2019
In my battle to stay off the internet or at least, view it in moderation. Today was a really good day. I just checked in early this morning, again while eating lunch and now again at ten in the evening. I didn't fall down any rabbit holes either. I accomplished a lot early this morning and today in general.
Speaking of the internet, I signed up for alerts on my email regarding all things LGBTQ, especially with it being pride month. Unfortunately it seems to be a dud, there were many things happening today, tonight and tomorrow. I didn't receive a single email over the last two weeks about anything. I suspect that I won't hear a thing until they want to sell something or need a donation.
Friday, June 7, 2019
I was thinking today about people claiming that we see gay people and gay society everywhere now. People on both sides of the issue say these things, supportive and non supportive. Really you see a gay society... because I don't! Everything regarding pride is always right down town, right in the center of the city. This doesn't make it easy to get to if you have a car, the core of the city is not welcoming to drivers. However gay events concentrated down town certainly isn't gay people living a fabulously gay life all over the city.
Where is all this gay lifestyle happening. I pass hetero movie theaters, playing hetero love stories. I walk through malls filled with straight couples and straight families. They have straight book stores with stories about straight couples. The straight jewelry stores are trying to entice the straight couples in love to buy something. I buy my straight groceries from straight grocery stores. I go to straight work and work with straight people.
Where is this huge gay take over? I heard a woman complain on the radio, "first they took the beautiful word gay from us, then they took the rainbow, what more do they want"? Really... we took the rainbow? The rainbow?
There may be more story lines with gay characters in television and movies, there may also be more famous people being out in the open regarding their sexuality but as far as day to day living, I'm still reminded every few seconds that this is a heterosexual world.
Every now and then gay people should get together and do something... oh I know, let's have a parade... including all the different people in the LGBTQ community. Wouldn't that be something.
Thursday, June 6, 2019
This is our month, a time for fun, joy, celebrating and affirming ourselves as part of society. Parades, festivals, dances, parties, colourful displays what could be more exciting. Unfortunately there always has to be the negative people inserting themselves into our world. They have to try and make their views seem relevant. Like wearing a brand-new, crisp, white dress-shirt, they are the spaghetti stain down the front that almost ruins the evening.
I was reading yesterday how there is supposed to be a "straight pride parade" in Boston. Right away that sends a signal as to the type of person who wants to hold a parade like that. If someone started a "white people" parade or a "men only parade" we would know instantly that people of colour or women would not feel welcomed to these parades.
Reading further however just made me really irritated and not with the people trying to do this but with the media and social media. Like being at a party with that spaghetti sauce on your shirt, there is nothing more annoying than the guy that keeps pointing out the stain. "Yes Einstein, I already know about the stain, the last seven times you pointed it out were unnecessary"!
The story is basically a couple of jerks that hold bigoted views and are trying to have their views noticed, it should be "end of story" at that point. Why give them any credibility, they are not a well formed group, or anything like that but they may be soon after all the free publicity. People, especially those considered liberal, need to calm down and stop being so quick to jump towards the bait. These are just desperate men trying to revive a dying way of thinking. Congratulations you're a stain on society.
Being a gay man, on this day, the 75th anniversary of D-day, the day when things started to turn around for the allied countries, we have to really stop and think. The sacrifice for us is larger than most of us grasp. Imagine the LGBTQ community under a nazi controlled world, the experiments, the deaths, the suffering would be unimaginable. Imagine guys like the Boston group being in control, making laws and guiding "their" version of society, that sends a chill through a person's core.
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
Nothing much today, I'm just thinking to myself that I need to do more than just post stuff online, that's not really living my full life as a gayboy lol. I saw mom yesterday and she is doing fine. I really like the new home for her, again when I left I felt good inside, I know that she is being cared for and the staff seems to care about the people they are looking after. There is a difference between doing the job and caring about the people you are doing the job for. Plus with that facility they have everything, medication, doctors on staff, protocols regarding illness and end of life. This place gives me peace of mind. It also gives me permission to start my life now, I can relax and go away for a few days and not worry anymore, my sister can step in and we are on the same page regarding decisions. I think my sister said it best the other day, she said, "I feel mom is home now".
I have to figure out some things to do, fun wise, gay wise that suit me. What I would enjoy now is not the same as twenty years ago (when I was fifteen)? Some things are the same, it's just that I need to be in bed by one or take a nap during the day, lol. Just kidding... sort of :/
Anyway I was thinking that I'm neglecting my sisters, the other half of the "mo" crowd, the L-word bunch, wait does that mean that someone who is a lesbian is an L-mo? Oh man am I ever going to push that on my lesbian friends... who will no doubt do that shoulder punch thing... ouch!
I saw this clip last night of Wanda Sykes, I think she is funny, I have been a fan for years, she usually lights up any room she is in. Oddly enough I was not aware that she is gay and married to a woman from France, I only found out a couple of years ago. I hope you enjoy this clip of her being interviewed by Stephen Colbert.
Tuesday, June 4, 2019
I received an upsetting letter in the mail yesterday, it seems that during pride month, the gaystablishment has decided to rescind my gay card. Apparently I'm not gay enough and they feel I could be one of those "straight curious" guys that has infiltrated Homolandia or Gaydonia and I must be stopped. They listed my suspicious behaviour and beliefs.
1) I like dressing in blue, black, brown, grey, white (shirts only) and unforgivable... beige!
2) I'm not a fan of little fluffy yapping dogs with bows in their fur. That's not a dog.
3) I have never watched anything with Rupaul in it, I only know who he is from watching "Match Game".
4) I like to clean up once in a while but I have no interest in fashion, more than $50 for a shirt is too much.
5) I don't own anything with a rainbow on it, glitter, sparkles or hearts.
6) I find Sam Smith songs all sound the same... like he is about to start crying and wailing.
7) I have never seen Modern family, I didn't care for Game of Thrones and I hate Grey's Anatomy with a passion.
8) I have never tried gin, a martini or a cappuccino.
9) I haven't had sex since Reagan was shot, well at least it feels that way!
10) I would rather listen to country music than house music, actually I would rather go to a dentist than listen to house music.
11) A gay person would never go past ten on a list.
12) I kill all my own spiders and I don't scream while doing it.... anymore.
They sent out a squad of lesbians to try and take my card away from me by force, I defeated them by answering the door while holding a bible and saying, "oh fantastic, come in while I tell you all about this wonderful book"! They ran off for some reason.
Monday, June 3, 2019
This is pride month, if you don't know your gay history about June being chosen, you need to google it and the seriousness behind the choice. I will let others handle that part of our history as there are many good blogs and stories about it.
June is the best time of year to invest in companies that make glitter, sparkles, rainbow flags and coloured wigs! It's the month to have a gay old time! I... Mr stick in the mud, even signed up for pride info and events. Hopefully I will find something I like and be able to enjoy, maybe even volunteer if I can be of some help. I'm going to also try to draw James out to some events because I know that he really wants to go, he just needs someone there with him.
I wanted to jump into some gay themed moments during this month, I noticed that eleven or twelve years ago, I was living a lot more gay-ish than I am now (lol). I feel this way when I'm looking back at past posts. I think that I'm back sliding and need to change that.
The following clip has been around for a while but I love it. I snicker while I'm watching it, I think it's cute, enjoy.
Be fabulous people! :D
Saturday, June 1, 2019
Again today I was doing some gardening and cutting my HUUUGE lawn. I had to come in early this evening because of the bugs, they were really biting... ouch! Speaking of bugs, it's officially bug season when you swallow your first black fly of the year. It's not a matter of "if" you swallow one, it's "when". Two days ago I inhaled my first fly of the year, it appears that 2019 seems to be a dry bug year, unlike the fat juicy ones of 2018, causing this year's bugs to be a lot less flavorful.
Also as I write this, it sounds like hail hitting the bedroom windows; however it's not hail, it's the giant June bugs that are trying to get to the lights. These things are large compared to our other bugs and make a terrible crunching sound when you step on them. Hope nobody reads this over breakfast... lol.
Anyway, I was thinking about a post I wrote a little while back, regarding how it can feel almost like two different planets when you are in a winter that never seems to want to end, versus a beautiful summer day.
The following photo I took a week ago, it was after I cut the lawn, ahhh nice green grass. Plus it is still bright out at nine in the evening and the days are still going to get longer.
Friday, May 31, 2019
I'm going to step into it here but hey, this is my blog, my opinion. Today I had a lot of errands to run and so I found myself with many opportunities to practice my favorite hobby... man watching, oh how I loooove doing that. I noticed something however about a lot of gay men and I wish it were different but it is, what it is.
I was getting plants for the yard and gardens. There was a rare opportunity to watch men of both sexualities, gay and straight. I noticed I could pretty much guess who is gay and who is straight by the way the guys carried themselves. Straight guys swagger like a bull in a field, gay men slink like cats... hahaha, I'm in for it now.
Thanks to 8XY and miss Kitty for the demonstration of a bull and cat.
Thursday, May 30, 2019
Yesterday turned out to be a good day, I received a call from a nursing home that I was trying to get my mom placed into, they said that they had a room for her and want to know if I was still interested in placing her there. I said that I would love to accept it for mom. They asked if we could move her today and I agreed. Mom is there now, it went fine for her because she is not completely aware that she has been moved to another building, so to her there was no move.
Immediately I could see the difference in how the staff interacts positively with her, the nurses stations are situated out on the floor amongst the people and not hidden in a room like the other place. The social worker at the old place screwed up, she was supposed to tell me before hand to expect the call. She had no clue about moving arrangements etc, lack of communication as usual, they said they were going to miss us, the feeling is not mutual. The New place automatically had everything already handled for us. All I had to do was pack.
The other thing that I think will be beneficial to mom is that all the elderly people are together, with all levels of capabilities, this way she will have conversations with people and that helps keep her mind active. At the old place mom was with people like her but most were much worse and either made no sense or noises. Also the people in the new place are elderly only, at mom's old place there were brain injured people and mentally challenged people, some of whom yelled and screamed or could hit, I was very uncomfortable with mom around them and she found it overwhelming at times.
Anyway at least that dilemma is over, this time I felt good leaving her in their care, I felt that I did right by her and not like I betrayed or abandoned her as I did the last time. Unless something bizarre happens, this will be mom's final home, she will not be moving anywhere else. A coworker told me once not to torture myself with these thoughts... but a small part of me still wishes that I would get a phone call, saying that they know how to cure mom and after a few weeks of treatment, she can go home.
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
Many of you post thoughtful YouTube videos of beautiful songs or poems. This is not one of those clips, this YouTube video did give me the giggles, (masculine manly giggles I will add) and I thought it was cute. They ask a bunch of young gay men what they think about vaginas, the blank looks on some are priceless. Maybe you already saw this but I stumbled on it today and wanted to share.
Hope it gives you a smile.
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
I didn't do well staying off the net after I came home from work yesterday. I keep finding myself back on here. I'm not sure why or maybe I am. I need to make some serious decisions and I think I'm like an alcoholic, instead of hiding in a bottle, I hide myself online, I keep saying to myself that I will think about XYZ later, only later never comes. As long as I waste time online, I don't have to make any decisions, that way no decisions, no stress.
Also I think I'm looking for a connection, some unknown sort of connection but I'm not sure what kind. Sometimes I feel like I want someone I know to reach out to me, it feels like I'm on here waiting for a message, "hey Steve it's me, it's going to be ok now Steve, I'm here for you, we are going to be together, you're no longer alone".
Sometimes when I shut the phone off, the world feels empty, like I'm the last person on earth and even though there has been no sound most of the time, I only notice the silence once the screen goes dark. When I think about the time online that I have wasted in the last twenty-four hours, I feel shocked, embarrassed, stupid and almost like I have woken up from a coma since yesterday.
Monday, May 27, 2019
Yesterday was bee ewe tea full, sunny sunny sunshine. I got my butt outside and did yard work. There was a lot to be done, my lawn had bedhead the morning of a haircut. I got out my trusty lawnmower, gave it a drink of oil, filled its tummy with gas and off we went to tame the jungle.
I dug up the flower beds last week, I tidied them up a bit more. I wasn't going to get flowers yet because of time constraints on the weekend but I remembered the little market which opened near me so I went to see them and they had a good selection at reasonable prices so I got some of my first spring flowers yesterday... YAY!
Sunday, May 26, 2019
I got off to a rocky beginning this morning, a little too much interneting, wasted some time on line but then I got my butt in gear and I accomplished a lot today, "we are pleased with our self". I would have had more things finished this evening, except for the fact that a neighbour dropped in and this person just doesn't know when to leave. This person is really sweet but taking hints about it getting late and how I have to get up really early in the morning, just goes right over the top of their head. Go home! Let me sleep already!
This blog is often my relief valve, I usually write out thoughts that are bothering me. Once I have those thoughts down, it often gives me a sense of relief to have shared them. I worry that it could appear to people that I am a depressed person, in a state of sadness all the time. Well not to worry, I can see the edge that is not healthy to go over, I try to stay in a positive frame of mind. I have friends that can let themselves get too far, I see how those emotions can feed off themselves creating a cycle. I wanted to mention some touching moments that happened to me because they really lifted my spirits at the time.
The first was I dropped into mom's former seniors home, some letters had come there by mistake. As I was leaving, the head nurse called out across the yard to me, "you are such a good son Steven, the way you look out for your mom, it's rare these days but you are different from most people in how much you care". I was caught off guard, so I thanked her and left. I don't think I deserve praise, I feel I'm just doing what I'm supposed to but it does feel nice to receive a compliment.
The next moment was when the project I was working on came to an end. I had blogged about having to train a new person and not being happy about that. I feel however no blame towards the person hired, they are just here trying to do a job. I instantly liked the new person, a young woman of only twenty two. She had a good attitude of wanting to do a good job. Unlike many people who would try to make themselves feel important by belittling the new employee, my goal is to help them succeed. I never get angry over mistakes, they are just a learning tool. I would tell her, "no don't be silly, I'm not upset with you, use this as a learning experience, I guarantee that you won't make that mistake again" or sometimes I say, "you are new, we expect mistakes, don't dwell on it, learn from it and move on". I jokingly called her "my little one" or "my work niece". I enjoyed working with her. When the project ended, on her last day she thanked me for being patient with her and then gave me a little hug as she was leaving. I thought that was touching. It means a lot to me that I made her experience working here enjoyable.
The last touching moment came yesterday, I received an email from my friend James. He likes to play around with music and sometimes records himself and his brother playing. He also creates videos and he said that he created a video for me. I was really touched and watched the video. I enjoyed the piece and he picked a theme that touched me, that really hit me because he obviously put some thought into it. Also as I was watching it, there is a special feeling to see that I'm the first person to watch it on YouTube. One of those moments that makes me go "awwww I really like that guy". If you want to watch my very own personal music video created just for me, go to www.not.a.chance.com.it's.my.personal.video...I'm.not.sharing. Lol :D
Saturday, May 25, 2019
Today I did better at staying off the net but not as good as I hoped. This morning started out sunny and I received a text asking for help with the graveyard spring clean up. Since I'm on the committee I went out to help. I slept in and didn't see the text until late, so by the time I got there, most of the work was already done. That works for me lol.
When I came back home, it had started to rain very heavily. I didn't mind that because if it rains, then that gives you guilt free permission to work indoors. On a beautiful day, it just feels wrong to stay inside. I did some house chores and I made myself a good dinner, definitely not good enough, I should have done more. I did have a great nap after, at least that's not being on the internet. I fell down a few YouTube rabbit holes and lost some time there. I did however stop myself and shut the phone off a few times today. We shall see.
I was reading about a man that is fighting against being fired from his job. He even had the backing of his union; however an arbiter agreed with the employer and said the work place was within its rights to fire him. It seems he was caught with his pants down... literally. The man was fired for masturbating at work. At first I read that he went to a bathroom stall for his "hands on" work "experience". I was thinking that maybe he was stressed and it's an awful heavy "handed" punishment for self appreciation. At least it's not like he was doing it in the lunch room. I was also thinking that young people today are much more open about masturbation and maybe he didn't realize it would... explode into such an issue.
Turns out however that he had a problem, he had been warned before. Apparently he often went into the bathroom, pulled out his... cellphone... and other thing, cued up some porn and "really" got into what he was doing. Other people were embarrassed and uncomfortable, people in the bathroom trying to relax for a number two, suddenly had to listen to his loud moaning and groaning. Also they mentioned, all the movement in the next stall was unsettling, especially as the movement kept increasing in speed until the final satisfactory grunts and groans. Even people outside of the bathroom it was said to have heard him.
Now I have an open mind about a lot of things but this is too far. I wouldn't want a guy to pull out his... computer in the middle of us having sex and start working on a project, so I certainly wouldn't want someone practicing self love and treating it like a one man show at work. Now he is claiming sex addiction and said he used headphones to hide the sounds of the porn clips. I think it's too little too late, the work place would have probably been more understanding if he tried to do something about at his first warnings. People today have this attitude of, I will do what I like to do and the heck with everyone else.
I can't help thinking how confident this guy must have been... because I will try to hold "anything" in at work requiring me to remove any part of my pants, let alone becoming one of those "gay audition tapes" that I keep hearing about!
Friday, May 24, 2019
As I said in my previous post, I stopped in to see mom on Wednesday. I usually stop in a couple of times a week, the senior's residence is actually on my way home so it's easy for me to drop in. Sometimes I stay for only an hour or so, sometimes I stay until bedtime. I am pleased to see that mom has been getting her strength back. She had to be prescribed medication for seizures and that took away all her energy. Now however she likes to walk up and down the hallways and it's good to see her up and about again. She is also generally in a good mood lately, the workers say she always seems happy and is easy to work with, that's all I can ask for, that she is happy in her reality.
I let her walk, I just followed her around and we talked, sometimes it made sense, most times it didn't. There was one hallway on her floor that I have never been down. I asked her to walk down it with me. Mom said, "no, we shouldn't go down there, it's not good to go there". I found that odd because every hallway looks new to her no matter how recently she has walked down it so usually she will check it out, also odd because her answers are usually not so elaborate.
I walked down it anyway and I suddenly regretted my decision. This was where they put the people who have lost every last bit of their humanity. The rooms have those half doors like at racehorse stables. This way staff can look in but the people can't get out. Most are in wheelchairs, they no longer walk, they no longer talk, they no longer look human. They are frightened, eyes wide with fear and they plead for your attention at their door, in a language that makes sense to only them.
As bad as mom is now, a chill went down my spine when I realized that there is worse coming, much worse. That's why I say I won't be too sad if she were to suddenly pass away. Sometimes I think selfishly that I hope she passes away before she completely forgets who I am. My little mind has these visions of me telling people at her funeral, how the disease couldn't erase the bond between us.
After yesterday however, I hope she never reaches that stage and it has nothing to do with me. I don't want mom to become a frightened infant locked in a room, holding her hands out... pleading to passing strangers. No matter how sick mom is, she still was frightened by that hallway, at some level she understands what it means to be moved there.
It seems that our destination with mom's illness is "worse" because no matter how many times we think it couldn't get much "worse", it seems to top itself.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Yesterday I received help with my internet addiction from a higher power, it was clearly divine intervention, the all mighty... phone company had a glitch and my service was down last night, so no online time at all! I was ok, the world didn't end. I think if I wasn't on this quest to curb my usage I would have been really upset (sounds like missed) but I did some other things that needed to be done.
I got home late because I was visiting mom, I felt really really tired so I snuggled into my la-z-Steve chair and fell asleep. I woke up at 3 a.m. and went straight to bed. I'm taking the advice of setting a limit, I like structure so that will work for me. The big test will be this weekend to see if I resist the urge to "just check a few messages" or listen to the little voice that says, "stay away from sites called Straight guys with their shirts off... together... wrestling". Yes... so anyway we will see.
Lurkey poo part of me saw the humour in your comment but part of me felt empathy for what you were saying, this is my second battle with an online addiction, my first was before I met Dan. I missed a couple of huge opportunities because of getting sucked into the online world. Meeting Dan was what pulled me out at the time. It will take a bit of intelligence to get you out, don't get a big head over this but you have that ability.
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Like going to an A.A meeting, maybe we need an I.A meeting; however I think yesterday was more like an enabler meeting... lol. I thought that I had problems, you poor bastards need help! Just teasing, forgive my potty mouth. I think structuring a time limit is probably a good way to go. Last night I was trying not to go over my limit, I was doing ok but then I decided to "just check for messages" and fell down a rabbit hole, not too long but I realized that I had gone past my bedtime, "ahh mayochup"!
Day two of doing better, hmm we shall see, I am actually posting before work, hmmmm but this will be short. Anne Marie said a person is healthy if they admit to watching and liking porn. I'm a very very very healthy person then because WHOO WEEE do I like porn! I used to think that was mainly the problem; however I soon realized that if I cut porn out of my online experience, then I spent hours looking at other things on line to fill the void. Also to be honest porn is not a large part of what I am doing, I email, text and chat mostly, that's why I feel loneliness is a huge part of getting lost on line.
The online time has wiped out my television time and that doesn't worry me because television is 80% garbage since they have been cutting out more and more educational programs. Being part of a nerd-ish herd I did prefer watching things like science type shows but most programs are fluff now. What does worry me is my "real world" time that the online activities cut into. Like doing laundry, checking a few emails, then suddenly realizing that three hours have past, it's bedtime, the clothes are still soaking wet in the washing machine and I need them for work the next day. My time is up, see you tonight.
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Today becomes my Monday since it was a holiday yesterday. I know everyone says it's a shorter week blah blah blah but I sometimes find it feels even longer.
This past three day weekend that was a complete write off because of my playing on the internet the whole time, tells me something that I have known for a while now. That I have a problem, a big problem of being addicted to being on line. I think part of it is due to loneliness and feeling disconnected but what good is it to email and text with people all the time but never spend actual time with another person.
The weekend was beautiful, sunny but not too hot, no bugs out yet surprisingly and it would have been a perfect time to get the yards and gardens ready; however I never ventured outside for more than twenty minutes. I'm in trouble, it's starting to affect my life, I have to get myself back under control. The house is a disaster, it's one of the reasons I can't get this place ready to sell. My brain is like a kid with A.D.D I think because the internet does the thinking for us and is always trying to grab our attention. Anyway I have to go to work, at least I can keep away from it there.
Monday, May 20, 2019
Today was a holiday so I had a long weekend to get caught up on things... which I didn't because of my addiction to the internet... but that's another post for another day. Keeping things light for a Monday, the company Heinz has been patting itself on the back for creating a new condiment, a bottle of ketchup mixed with mayonnaise. They called it.... you guessed it Mayochup, I haven't tried it but I'm thinking they should have named it upchup! I can mix my own combination if I want to.
In Canada however they are getting publicity for all the wrong reasons. There is a large Cree population in parts of Canada and apparently the translation of mayochup into their language means shitfaced, some other close dialects also translated into sh#t in your eye or sh#t on your face. That's not a good image you want people picturing in their heads when they are choosing a condiment. The company said that they will review the name but for now they will sell out the stock first. Hmmm, maybe I should get a bottle of shitface as a collector's item, it would certainly be a good conversation piece!
Sunday, May 19, 2019
I was texting back and forth with a friend yesterday (he's a straight guy but I don't hold that against him, I'm open minded). He responded to one of my texts with "TMI", that means "too much information" for the non hip/cool people. I was telling him about being over at an Indian friend's house for supper. The guy is a really good cook, he was worried that the food might be too spicy for me. It didn't seem to be, I found it spicy as in flavorful and not spicy as in too hot to eat. I really enjoyed it. The TMI came as a result of explaining that my Irish Canadian heritage began to disagree with me the next day regarding the level of spiciness. I said that it didn't seem that spicy going in... but that it seemed a lot spicier coming out.
After the supper we had a little wine and conversation. Also by accident we all suddenly fell down a rabbit hole that caused us all to enjoy ourselves and laugh and laugh. Even though there were people of different ages and from different countries we started watching something that united us with its shear genius. Yes... you guessed it, we started watching old episodes of Mr Bean. For those who grew up with him and followed him, it's a cult like thing, I can't explain it, especially not to Americans (tehe).
It speaks volumes in today's climate about that simple evening get together, when you consider that some of us were not wearing turbans and some were. At the time I didn't even notice this fact; however I was thinking about it today listening to more stories about homophobia, racism etc on the news. People really are good at creating turmoil when there is no reason to. If they would only take the time to sit and speak with someone, they might learn something.
Regarding a different topic, there was a moment at the end of the night that caught me, it was when the credits were rolling after it was over. Many of the episodes that I did remember were produced in 1990, that stunned me for a second. I remember talking about them with friends and one of my family members also loved watching it with me, I think it was mom. Wow 1990 and some 1993. Almost thirty years ago, the show was created before some of the people watching it with me were born.
Anyway back to over sharing. Have you ever reached that point where you just want to stop wiping. Sometimes you gently half wipe, hoping that the extra absorbent material in your underwear that is supposed to help keep you dry... actually does its job. This is one of those times that I'm glad I never joined the thong wearing gay crowd. You know that mind game, where you say, "don't think of a pink elephant" and then everyone thinks of a pink elephant, well don't think about rim...g, I couldn't help it eww.. sorry lol. There is that point where you feel that you could light a match off your butt because it's burning so hot, you start to wonder what it would be like to place an ice cube up there. Imodium thou magic elixir is a god send.
Saturday, May 18, 2019
I consider myself lucky in that I find many different types of men attractive. All over the scales of feminine to masculine to race to age to frame size. It's not something that I pretend in order to sound politically correct, it just happens when I see an attractive man and think to myself, "well hello there handsome", and then I quietly check him out. I like that about my sexuality, I allow myself to enjoy it.
I am often surprised by the way many gay men limit themselves. I'm not surprised by the prejudice towards a man's age and looks, unfortunately that seems to be common, I am surprised by the racism that seems to also be common in the gay community, especially in large cities. It's too bad actually because they are missing out.
I was thinking about this because of two guys that pressed my buttons yesterday in a sexual way. I think having that sudden arousal feeling is enjoyable and is one of the perks in life, almost like the high we get from seeing a perfect sunset or gorgeous work of art in a gallery but at the same time very different from those feelings, it's raw desire.
The first happened early in the day at my bank. While waiting in line there was a young man at the teller in front of me. He was about twenty eight and holy-old-moly... was he ever freaking hot. Clearly he was probably an athlete of some sort because he was in nice shape, not a gymbot, just naturally in good shape. He was African Canadian decent and was just dripping with male sexuality, every muscular curve was in the exact right location in my mind. He was one of those guys that sends a gay man's sexuality into overdrive, you just feel your desire to be with him in every part of your body. I sometimes wonder if as a gay man I'm picking up some kind of sex pheromones from guys like this in their prime. The way he carried himself, the confident but polite way he spoke to the teller had me in dream land. The building suddenly felt empty when he left and I felt I needed to sit down until my knees turned back from trembling mush.
The second time it happened was later in the day, I was driving and had to stop for construction. Two young men were jogging towards me wearing only t-shirts and shorts. Again they were in nice shape, one man in particular was really attractive, he had a less polished handsome appearance to him, a rugby player type of body. Like me I could see he was a ginger but more of a reddish blond. As he approached however I saw that he also was a man of special needs, he had a slight look of a person with down syndrome or something along those lines. I felt ashamed of myself for being sexually attracted to this man and quickly looked away; however then I gave myself permission to look again. Here was a man, he is attractive, he is taking the time to stay in shape and look attractive, I felt there was nothing wrong with enjoying his efforts and looking at him like I would look at any other attractive man.
These were two moments of appreciating life that I would have missed out on if my outlook was narrow. I'm not perfect, I'm always catching myself and trying to make better choices but I think if I'm "trying" then at least that is progressing but most of all it pays off by creating positive moments.
Tonight I got home after midnight, I was "out with the boys". I should have gotten away with that since I'm alone... but no... I was in trouble, I got a silent lecture and if you were able to actually hear it, I think it would go something like this.
"Stop right there mister! Where have YOU been! Stop the car, not another inche! I'm standing right here until I get an explanation! I have been waiting for my yum yums all evening and you never showed up. Look at the time, I am furious with you... so I'm going to walk up the driveway... at my own kitty pace and you will just have to crawl along in your car as punishment. No... no you will not go around me, I will keep getting in front of you, I told you as punishment you follow me... (((I))) don't follow you. What did you think, that I would act like some, ugh.. dog.. and just be ecstatic that you showed up, doesn't work that way with me buddy"!
Thursday, May 16, 2019
I have mentioned before that I only get one or two tv channels. I actually stopped watching tv weeks ago because all I ever get is The Big Bang Theory, it often feels like from seven to eleven, seven days a week. Tonight I decided to watch the last episodes. I actually like the way it ended, it wasn't over the top, they didn't jump the shark. The final scene of them eating together in the living room like they have for years was fitting. Usually with shows that are ending, the writers do some cliche thing like there is a fire and the main set is lost or where everyone is separated until the last second or the format is completely different from the usual format of the particular show. Not this time however and that's a smart thing because ten years from now when the younger generation starts feeling nostalgic, they will probably reboot the show with a much older cast and do jokes about stiff knees etc. The spin-off "Young Sheldon" had a cute season ending that tied into the main show.
TBBT was an ok comedy, mostly my problem is with the station that is too cheap to buy any other content than TBBT, I'm glad it ended actually, maybe now the station will try to pick up something else. The show has been on for twelve years, I was thinking about where I was twelve years ago and about how different my life was and wasn't from then until now.
I probably wouldn't have paid attention to that show if I had more choices to watch. I remember thinking it was a typical show about a nerdy guy who meets a gorgeous woman and has no chance of being with her but eventually she falls for him. The only reason I started watching was the characters of Sheldon, Howard and Raj, I found them funny, like a modern day three stooges, I was actually annoyed with the romance garbage between the characters of Penny and Leonard and didn't really care about that story line. Anyway, the end.
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
There was talk of the "Me too" movement during lunchtime today. It seems that someone I know has been swept up in it. Apparently this male coworker gave a woman a job interview, he felt that she wasn't qualified for the position and did not hire her. Later the human resources department came to him and said that the woman had filed a complaint against him. She alleges that during the interview he came on strong towards her, that he touched her, caressed her, tried to give her a massage, said sexual things to her and about her.
I have worked with this man for years, I have never heard a word about something like this before in regards to his behavior. I even worked for him at one time and always found him to be professional. People want to back their co-worker but I was pleased to see that it didn't turn into a team "man" or team ,"woman".
I just stayed quiet and listened. To be honest I don't know what to think, at the age I am now, I can tell you I have seen a lot of things happen that totally shocked me about people. Sadly nothing surprises me now. I have worked with really nice guys for years, that I felt were stand-up type men, only to be stunned by the news that they sexually assaulted a woman or some other offence that seemed not to fit their character. Some of the guys said that they trust our co-worker, others like me stayed quiet.
On the flip side, I find it odd that this woman was ok with the alleged behavior until later when she found out that she didn't get the job. Also this position is a professional position, you need a few years of experience and a university degree. Odd for a married father of two, to decide and blow everything he has worked so hard for... by becoming sexually inappropriate with a well educated, intelligent woman who would not be intimidated by him.
It's so hard to know unless you have a camera hidden away somewhere, who do you believe. The other guys were saying that if they are hiring and have to do interviews, going forward they will have two people in the room for the interview, just to be on the safe side. Unfortunate as well that even if this man is completely innocent, I have doubts about him now and will never see him the same way again.
I was saddened by the news that Tim Conway died. I can't tell you about all the happy memories I have of being a child and watching him, especially on the Carol Burnett show. We certainly didn't have treats all the time but every Thursday we would make popcorn, have a glass of pop and settled down as a family to watch that show. There are so many good memories of us just laughing and laughing and laughing, usually until tears were coming down. My parents were serious people so it was nice to see them enjoying the moment. I think our favorite part was when Tim would make the rest of the cast laugh. They would try hard not to but eventually they couldn't hold back. He was 85, that's seems surprising to me but time slips by so quickly these days. Another childhood entertainer gone, thanks for the memories Tim, you may have left us but your comedy will live on.
Monday, May 13, 2019
One thing that I have noticed regarding online gay socializing, is that many gay people have put themselves inside a box which keeps them from being with other people. I suspect that is why it's so hard to meet people. I did it to myself actually, by moving out here into the country, this is the second time I have done this, I moved back to the country in my late twenties, bad habits are hard to break I guess. This effectively ended my chances of meeting someone both times.
It seems to be a common mistake that older gay men make. While trying to meet people and make friends, it seems everyone is as unavailable as I am. I live way out in the middle of nowhere but every gay person I start to make friends with in the city, has limited time to share with me and definitely doesn't have a place of their own. We can never get together because they have straight roommates, lives with a parent, has a business that ties them up, etc, etc, etc. These men are in the city and yet chose options that would limit them. It's like self imposed solitary confinement that keeps them from meeting real people.
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Today I was looking at two tomatoes that I bought last week and was thinking to myself that I better use them in a sandwich or a salad for supper. While working outside, I noticed that I had missed some onions from last year and they were growing again. The onion part itself would be mushy and too strong to eat; however the green stems would be delicious.
It suddenly occurred to me... holy cow! I can make one of my tomato and onion sandwiches! I'm actually eating something out of my garden already. I am dedicating this to Deedles because she gets grossed out when I make this sandwich. This from the queen of the grape jelly and salami sandwich! Oh wait.... I felt a little ill there for a second. Anyhoo I made my first O & T sandwich for 2019, later on even better when I have my own tomatoes, still it was nummylicious!
Today is mother's day, I won't go and see mom because of the distance and also because I know that my sister and her partner are going. I was going to go but I realized I was going mostly for myself. I will see her tomorrow and if I go today it will take up my Sunday with traveling and I need a day to recharge. Plus sadly, she will not remember that I came to visit the moment I leave the room.
I won't go on and on about mom because by now everyone knows how much I love her. I will say that I never realized how lucky I was until I moved to the city. I had known of a few people with crappie fathers but for the most part, everyone I knew had a mother bear firmly in their corner like I did. While living in the city, I made friends with people who were raised by their fathers, grandparents or aunts and uncles. I was shocked by the stories of neglect and general unconcern for the wellbeing of their children. Even to the point of mothers being barred from weddings etc. That made me sad but it also made me appreciate mom more.
People often say to me that I'm a good son the way I look out for mom. I feel embarrassed by that actually because I feel that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, it's what she would be doing if the rolls were reversed. I also feel that I am giving back what she gave to me. I think also that she kept me out of trouble most of my life because there were times when I would think, "mom would be so hurt if I do XYZ".
Thank you mom, I know now that I won the lottery regarding mothers, I couldn't ask for a better mom. Thank you to any "moms" reading this, you are the real backbone to any society, it's one of those truths that nobody talks about, yet we all know it's true.
Saturday, May 11, 2019
It's been warm this week so I decided to cut my bush... I mean trim my hedge... clip my brush? Yes that's exactly what I mean, getting out into the garden. For the last two years, my spirea has been looking terrible due to winter kill, I nicknamed it spiarrhea because it looked like crap. I was tired of trying to reshape it so I manscaped it like a porn star.
Back to gardening, mostly it's just cleaning up, dead plants, broken branches, clumps of mud; however two days ago the first dandelion appeared. I like dandelions, I love the bright yellow colour, like little Sun's popping up all over the place. It means that winter is really really over here. They provide an important service, the bumblebees have come out, if it wasn't for the dandelions, they would have almost nothing to eat. A friend of mine who moved here from India, asked me last year, who planted all the nice flowers around our work building. I told him they are wild flowers called dandelions but sadly most people call them weeds and want to get rid of them.
Another thing that's nice about this time of year, I had some windows opened while getting caught up with my vacuuming. Nothing makes your house feel cleaner than vacuuming and having it smell like fresh air afterwards.
Friday, May 10, 2019
Every day I read some piece about a certain gay candidate (Pete) in the leadership race for the democratic party. Many people are commenting on the importance to today's LGBTQ youth, regarding seeing a married gay man running to become president. I can believe that it's happening but my seventeen year-old self would have never believed that it would happen. Also he doesn't fit the stereotype that was constantly thrown at us in the past. Clean cut, boy next door type, ex military, religious and not some gay caricature from a sitcom or movie. I always said that role models are important, we need to see ourselves in society, we need to feel that we are represented and not just LGBTQ people, other minority groups as well.
This makes me wonder about what I am doing. Most of my friends know I'm gay, some family members know. However at work no one knows. There is one or two people who might know, friends of friends so it's possible they know. I recall a certain blogger pointed out to me, that I like to have my cake and eat it to. I like it when people come out, it gives me strength and makes me feel less and less like an outcast. While on the other hand I remain in the closet in a lot of settings.
I have a lot of good excuses that I use not to come out. There is also a little bit of a power trip for me, I'm going to secretly judge you regarding situations. I do like however that people are unfiltered around me. It means that much more to me when someone speaks positively about gay people, this way I know their true feelings and not something that they felt they were supposed to say.
I think the younger generation, doesn't need me as a roll model anymore, they are pretty sure of who they are. Unlike me during my younger years, they have grown up with positive images of gay people all around them. Still I feel that I'm not towing my line, like I'm letting the gay club down.
I have to end this here, I can't keep my eyes open. I think however if I was dating someone like Pete, I would want everyone to know, "THIS ONE'S MINE"!
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
I have zero readers! Before I start, right now at this moment I'm eating an invention that only a bachelor too lazy to cook supper would do. I took two hotdog buns (I use them for mini subs, I never eat hotdogs) and on the buns I spread creamed honey and... wait for it... mayonnaise! The light diet kind, to be honest it's kinda good, not too sweet, not too bland and it's light before going to bed. Peanut butter is good with honey on a sandwich as well but honey with banana is disgusting! I'm having my honey/mayo sub with a glass of lactose free milk... because who wants to pay for lactose when you can get it free!
Every now and then I get a notice about increasing the traffic to my blog. Either from blogger or some kind person trying to help me out. I always decline however, I like things the way they are. I always feel embarrassed when someone says that I can "increase my readers". My readers? I have zero readers, lol... I'm not an author or journalist, I'm not trying to get a fan base, that's for the people on YouTube etc. This blog is just my way of avoiding the high cost of therapy. I have no readers, I only have a collection of really interesting online friends that come to help me work stuff out by sharing ideas and experiences, why would I want to jeopardize that?
Group hug! :D
Monday, May 6, 2019
I remember once when I was about nineteen, I had this horrible dream, (very common for me). My family was on vacation and we were exploring around an old volcano. This was a ludicrous scenario, my parents would have never traveled anywhere near a volcano, let alone even traveled more than a day or two from home. However there we were, walking over scorched rocks, I was walking ahead of them when I suddenly herd, "Steve! Steve help us"! I looked back only to see that the earth had given way beneath them, they were hanging on the edge by their fingers and it was eroding away fast, boiling hot lava below. When I approached, I realized that I could only save one of them.
This apparently was the torture my mind was trying to inflict on me, which one would I choose. There was no contest in my mind however, I could never live with myself if anything happened to my mom. We were always very close and my love for her was well beyond what I felt for my dad and sister. I was haunted by the looks on their faces as they fell to their deaths. Nice going subconscious, you psychotic "bleep" hole.
I once read a question on Dr Spo's blog that asked, "what could you tell your eight year-old self that would make him/her cry". I didn't dare answer that question because it's too hard to say, but I will answer it near the end of this post, it carries a lot of guilt with the answer.
There are many days when I'm leaving mom after a visit and I am still hit by the shock that this is actually happening. I'm often close to tears because the thing that I feared the most for her has happened. I did everything I could to keep her out of one of those cliche "homes". I relieved dad on weekends at first, I took care of her for eight years on my own after he died, I placed her in a lovely nursing home for almost three years until finally everything came into line to do the opposite of what I have been trying to do.
One of the things I find ironic is that most of my friends have lost their parents now. Some much younger than mom and all were active and sharp until the very end, yet here is mom, still slogging along in a world of illness. It's horrible but some days I'm envious of my friends who have said their goodbyes to their parents and now are moving on with life. I sometimes worried that I see her as "the burden formally known as mom". After the last move however; the only good that has come out of my emotional reaction to it, is that I know how much I still love and see her as mom and not a shell of mom.
That leaves me to answer the question above however. I hate seeing her like this, the illness, the confusion, she is humiliated daily by strange men helping her go to the washroom, take a bath, get dressed. The long goodbye as they say, the never ending crises, the not being able to complete simple tasks, not recognizing family and friends, the prison that she is in, mentally and physically. The thing that would make my eight year-old self cry, would be when I tell him that, "one day you will wish that your mother would die".
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
Flipping through the channels, I stopped for a second on the show Survivors. Some years I will watch it, if there are a lot of hot men playing that particular season but most times I don't bother. They were going through a task that I know, I couldn't do.
It wasn't eating bugs or carrying buckets of water up a steep hill, it was a day for visitors. People were extremely emotional as family members or close friends came to say hello and lend them support. I hate that task because when I think about it, I have no one to ask. There is no special person in my life that would make me cry on site and then give me strength just knowing they are there for me.
I have been a loner all my life, I was never close to anyone. Yes I have friends but not like we hangout all the time. Dating Dan was the closest I had ever been to having a best friend that I could share everything with, as well as a boyfriend. I suspect that is one of the reasons for me being here in the blogosphere.
I think that says something about my personality.
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
I have to note that it was around the last week of April, ten years ago that we learned Dad's cancer was fatal. The rest of us already knew when the doctor told him the bad news. The surgeon told my mother and sister the previous day after the biopsy, dad was still sleeping in recovery. They had to go to Montreal for the biopsy and so I stayed at the farm. I have to check back but I think we brought him home ten years ago today. It would be the beginning of a very different life for me, nothing was ever the same after that week.
I thought of following along with the blog posts from back then as a sad anniversary of some sort. Dad's illness and death changed me and my way of thinking since that time. I decided against the idea of reliving those emotions, honestly who needs that drama, I have enough on my plate and there is certainly enough health drama with mom having dementia. Adding in more sadness isn't helpful. It's a little scary to me how often I said to people that time seemed to fly by and the next thing I know it will be ten years since his dying. In two months the ten years will have arrived.
Some days just seem to be too much, no matter how much I try to keep things in order, to make life simple, there just seem to be scores of people who work tirelessly to mess things up. Once messed up, the situation takes on a life of its own and then days are spent trying to turn things around. Once things are about to fall back into line, some good Samaritan comes along and decides to "help" by typing in the original mistake or pressing the wrong button again. Then people are surprised by your irritability! Snartblaster fubbergunts!
Monday, April 29, 2019
Saturday, April 27, 2019
I was heading home one evening and soon became stuck in traffic. The scenery was beautiful however, I was sitting on a small parkway beside the Ottawa river, waiting to cross the bridge. The evening was warm and sunny, allowing me to roll down the window and hang my arm out while waiting. Something caught my attention on the opposite side of the road. Two young guys were walking along the bike path and they were... (gasp) holding hands!
There they were, ambling along hand in hand, clearly they were a couple and you could see the affection between them. They were very ordinary looking guys, good looking but just the guy next door type, if they weren't holding hands, there was nothing that would say to me, "those guys are family".
Sitting there watching them, I was a little envious of their PDA without hesitation, plus completely envious of the generation they get to grow up in. As they approach the light I saw something that was "nothing" but it was the most beautiful moment of "nothing". It was the way people around them acted or more precisely, didn't act. Nobody did a double take at two men holding hands, nobody pointed a finger or whispered into a friend's ear. There was a young woman jogging in-place waiting at the light, she just looked at her watch, a guy walking his golden retriever started talking to it while waiting for the light to change, a group of people kept up with their deep discussion over some topic. There were no sideways glances, rolling eyes back or shaking their heads, the male couple just blended with the group as they stood there waiting for the light to change.
I remember feeling giddy and thinking society has arrived. Even the people in the cars around me, nobody paid attention, they were mostly trying to sneak in some texts before the light changed. Makes me wonder at what point in time it became ok for a gay couple to walk hand in hand with each other in this city. At what point did that stop being an assault on society and become what it really is, two guys who love each other holding hands. The light changed and I drove off smiling.
Thursday, April 25, 2019
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
The Universe is against me, it conspires to make my life equal to one of those comedy skits, where a character, usually played by someone like Carol Burnett, has everything go wrong that can go wrong. I have blogged before that my life is like a Mr Bean episode.
Yesterday I received a call from the accountant doing my mom's taxes, it seems that I am missing some important documents, the government supposedly sent them but will not release the information to the accountant. I would have to jump through hoops to have them reissued and it could take months.
Last night I couldn't sleep, I was upset because I knew that I never received those letters. Mom generates a lot of paper work, to help make it easier for me, I keep a large folder and everything tax wise goes into that folder, I know that I wouldn't put them anywhere else. Still just in case, I pulled apart the house... then the car and still nothing, which is the result I expected. I called her old nursing home and they search but didn't receive anything either. I woke up at three this morning trying to find something that I knew wouldn't be there.
I decided to try one last idea, I remembered during the winter a bad wind that opened the mail box and blew some mail out. I went down to the road and looked in the wet muddy ditch, the snow had melted away and there were the letters plus some others! At some point they must have blown out of the box and the snow plow shoved them into the ditch. Further to my point of the universe being out to get me, all the letters were important, taxes, bank statements, investment statements, there were no letters asking me to buy a new phone or join some club I have no interest in or other junk mail.
Of all the letters to get lost, these are the ones that got lost. They have probably been there since the end of February or beginning of March buried under the snow, my only lucky part of this is they could have blown out into the fields or into the forest and be lost forever. Still ffffffk!
Monday, April 22, 2019
Spring renewal, by the end of last week, winter looked like it still had a firm grip on the seasons here. There was still lots of snow and I couldn't even imagine what a spring day would look like.
However it's been an Easter miracle, by Sunday evening, the warm weather and rains had washed away most of the snow.
The fields are clear, there is some snow in the bush but it will go soon. Spring has arrived, there are all sorts of birds around that are singing. Including the gravy bird, it's a little bird that I don't know the actual name of... but it caused laughter when I named it that as a child. My family agreed with me at the time, if you listen to its call, it sounds like the bird is saying, "gravy, gravee, gravy". It was 20° Celsius outside in the city this evening. I had to drive home with the windows partly down, I no longer have to wear boots and I stopped wearing long underwear last week. Winter has ended... whew!!!
Sunday, April 21, 2019
Was cleaning the bathroom this morning and the handle of the toilet brush snapped off. The only thing worse than the handle snapping off... is where I have to get the brush part out of. Ewwww!
Finally got through to my sister, I have been leaving phone messages and emails trying to see what she is doing for Easter... today! She said that she is not having a meal. Thanks for letting me know. At least she is going over to see mom. I won't be going today as she is in the city now, far from me. I will go tomorrow. Family can be weird, if my sister did have a meal and I didn't go... she would be so angry with me. I just want info people, is that so hard. Ok so laundry it is then!
Hoppy Easter, yes I went there, sorry that joke is not very bunny. Yesterday there was an Easter market near me, they hold it twice a year, once just before Christmas and again before Easter. Of course I forgot my phone, so no pictures. There were a lot of people shopping there but unfortunately not many vendors. I go for the home baked foods and farm raised meats etc. The snow finally has been melting but with days of heavy rains, the roads are muddy and driving is terrible. I think the vendors probably thought it would be a poor turn out. It's too bad they didn't support it because they will lose the market. It was populated mostly with people selling over priced photos, hand crafted ugly jewelry and hats. All things you can find at any market without driving for miles out into the country.
I'm not sure what I will be doing today. I no longer take part in anything religious. For the first time ever, we will not be celebrating Easter together. Mom has become so feeble that I didn't feel I could take her out to my sister's place. At the same time she has been going downhill fast, she no longer is aware of her surroundings and makes no sense when you talk to her. I kept asking my sister what she wants to do Easter dinner wise and I got no response, that's not unusual. If I end up driving to the city, I will stop by and see mom, otherwise it will just be a regular laundry day for me.
It's important to note that a balanced diet on this day means you have to have a chocolate Easter egg in each hand.
Saturday, April 20, 2019
Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face"?
Was that mean? She's a millionaire, what does she care what I say, that totally cracked me up when I first heard that. I should mention that I saw her in concert and she shook my hand which was a life moment for me.
A guy walks into a bar and says, "ow that frigging hurt"!
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar, followed by a duck, a goat and a gorilla, plus an American, a British man and a French man. The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
Got any more?
Friday, April 19, 2019
Yesterday was a warm day, fffinally! I knew that today would be a holiday so I decided that I wanted to go out to eat last night, knowing I wouldn't have to worry about getting up early. I called James and asked if he wanted to meet up for dinner, he said yes and we met at a restaurant near his place. I feel that I spend too much time communicating with online friends and not enough time with an actual friend. I like James, as I have said, he has his quirks but is a decent man, plus this may be shocking to many of you... I have my own quirks as well. Some people might be put off by his bluntness but I appreciate it, even if he says something that I don't like, I know it's from his factual personality and not from trying to be mean. I like the honesty, it makes me feel comfortable around him.
At the restaurant, I was getting out of my car and saw him walking up with a big smile on his face. He looked.... good? Really good actually and for the first time ever, I felt a stirring towards him. We sat down and conversation was easy with him. I think the constant emailing really helps because we already have that background of knowledge between ourselves.
I was sitting there thinking to myself, I wonder what it would be like to have sex with this man, that we probably will have sex some day, we have discussed it, he understands that we are just friends, again he is very factual about sex, almost comical to most people but it's actually a huge turn on for me because I know he means what he says in practical terms, also refreshing from the stupid things most men have said to me online. James is tall, about six one or two, ooow I like tall guys, again standing in the parking lot I felt a spark while talking to him, he is slender and the good kind of hairy, I like that as well. I had visions of what could happen. I want to meet up a few times and maybe if all is well, we could plan a day trip away together and try out this gay sex thing people keep talking about.
My only negative take away was when he ate, he kind of made a huge mess of himself and it turned me off, as in really off, I couldn't watch him eating. I suddenly felt like I was in an old Ally McBeal episode. If you are not familiar with that show, she might go on a date with a guy and he may seem perfect for her until he would eat and have food on his face. Then in her mind she would see him as having his entire face smeared with salad dressing or something to that effect. I saw people looking at him and a waiter had to rescue him, it annoyed me greatly. I know that is one of my quirks, I don't like attention and I certainly don't want to draw "unwanted" attention. He was embarrassed and I downplayed the moment. Next time I will keep him out of embarrassing situations, it's what I need to do as his friend.
It was getting dark and so I had to go, I felt a little bad about that but later I was thankful as a fog rolled in on my way home like I never saw before. There were times when I was crawling along in the car because I couldn't tell where I was, it was unbelievable. When I got home, James had sent me an email, thanking me for inviting him out and wishing me a good weekend. The normal thing for a friend to do! That's one of the things I admire about him, none of the games that the other guys play, what's wrong with communication between friends!
Have a good weekend everyone!
Monday, April 15, 2019
Last night after writing the post Sunday about not misleading myself, I decided to cut ties with a bunch of people. With Tyler never talking to me unless I talk to him, Adam with his ever changing stories or a couple of other guys that seem nice but also have issues, I decided enough was enough and so I cut ties with them. Goodbye, you missed out on having a good friend and boyfriend.
Except for James, I didn't cut ties with James, he is quirky but at least he is authentic and a really nice guy. I never have to second guess his meaning behind something, I never worry that he is not being truthful with me. I will have to set boundaries between us, mostly because I want to protect him. We will have to talk it out just to be sure we are both on the same page.
Tyler and Adam both had my cell number, they may have lost it but that just shows how uninterested they were in me. Adam may try to call me, I know that Tyler will not.
I was saying to another blog writer who is going through the same garbage regarding trying to meet people, we will never meet quality guys on line, there has to be a better way than this, we deserve better... because we're awesome!
Sunday, April 14, 2019
The drive into work is a long one for me and some days it's a time to reflect. A few days ago while driving in, the host said she wanted to play "an oldie" it was a song from my youth, it came out around the time of the last woolly mammoth dying [sarcasm] grrr. Anyway it was "Listen to your heart", by Roxxette. As I was driving that little voice we all have was trying to point something out to me, I hate that because that little voice is usually correct.
The "voice" was pointing out that I'm not listening to my heart, I'm trying to be practical and unfortunately that never works out. I was comparing two guys in my head that I talk with often and have met. One is my nerdy friend, let's call him James, the other is my slightly workaholic friend, let's call him Tyler (because he has one of those trendy names I like).
James is the guy that clearly likes me, I know that I could email him right now and ask if we could try being boyfriends and he would email back excitedly and say yes. Unfortunately I don't feel any attraction towards him. Some days I think about giving a relationship a try. That day in the car however it was pointed out to me how stupid my way of thinking was. I communicate with James all the time but we haven't met since last fall, probably end of August or September. I could meet with him after work but I always have an excuse. I was thinking about when I first met Dan, I would climb over mountains to be with him. I would drive for an hour just to have dinner with him, I would reschedule, postpone, skip out of any appointment just to arrange for us to be together. The reason is clear, I wanted to be with him, compare that to not meeting James for the last seven or eight months... who am I kidding.
Then there is Tyler, we had been communicating for days and he was really interested in meeting me. He was even driving the "meeting up" as much as I was. However after we met, he has never asked to meet again. I usually do the asking, his signal is clear to me but I want to keep him as a friend. He is never cold towards me or unfriendly, he seems willing to go out and have lunch etc but he never expresses an interest in me as a boyfriend. Unfortunately for me... Tyler is the one that I want, he pushes all my buttons, I feel like I'm in a fog when dealing with him.
Again the point is made clear to me when I think what would happen if Tyler suddenly emailed me saying something like, "want to meet for dinner"? I would drop what I'm doing right now and start getting ready. If he emailed me and said, "Steve lately you are always on my mind, I feel empty when you are not around". I would be giddy with excitement, I would probably be blogging like crazy, sharing the details of the first cute and awkward moments as we first start to get to know each other. Snap back to reality, sometimes James tries to say those same things to me... and I shut him down every time. I really like James, I don't want to hurt him but shutting him down was the right thing to do, it's clear to me that I have been deceiving myself, I have not been listening to my heart.
Saturday, April 13, 2019
Have you ever witnessed something that happened and you know that it's not funny but at the same time it's a little funny. You are not laughing at the people, you are laughing at the irony of the situation.
I read something this morning that is tragic... but it made me think of those uncomfortable moments where your inner voice, is scolding you not to see any dark humour in the situation. I won't mention the gentleman's name but apparently a comedian lay down on stage and the audience giggled and laughed for a few minutes... before someone finally realized he had died! Horrible; however I could see myself being part of that audience, thinking it was all just part of his act.
A while ago I saw something that wasn't tragic but slightly awful at a large complex that employs hundreds of people near where I work. This complex is large enough that it has two lanes of traffic entering and two lanes of traffic exiting. Also there are four lanes of traffic that merge into the two lanes entering, two from the north and two from the south. One morning as I passed by, there was a huge commotion, police cars, ambulances and even fire trucks on standby. It appeared that some people must have been overzealous trying to get into work that day and didn't wait for their turn entering the complex. I am not sure what happened but I think the rest of the drivers must have panicked and hit the gas instead of the breaks. The entry lanes were plugged solid with cars crashed into each other.
Fortunately no one was hurt, they would have been going at a slower speed, more like a giant fender bender than like a highway pileup. Now you are probably asking how can I see any amusement or irony in something like this, well without tempting fate to bite me on the butt and also to be clear, I really felt bad for everyone involved... it's just that I can't help remarking that the complex employs people for one of our police forces!