Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Well.. so today I was supposed to meet my friend. I'm always running behind, it's a bad habit that I have gotten into. Anyway with a little luck (and plenty of speeding) I managed to arrive slightly ahead of time. That is until I realized that I was at the wrong restaurant, no problem however, it was just down the street. When I went in there was only one couple there, so whew, I arrived first. I ordered a soft drink because my mouth gets dry when I'm nervous and I was debating whether to tell him right away from the beginning about being gay.
People started to arrive and I double checked the date and time of our meeting, everything was in order. I checked my email and there was a message there saying that he had to take his daughter to the hospital. He apologized and asked to make other arrangements. I never thought to check my email before I left, d'oh! I have become so used to my phone not working that when I am in the city, in the back of my mind it still doesn't work.
He feels bad but I was too embarrassed to tell him that it's my fault his daughter got hurt. You see when you make plans to go out with Mr Bean (aka Steve) bizarre things happen and people get hurt... sometimes they get diarrhea or hives but generally it doesn't go well and plans get cancelled.
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Ugh! I hate this. Sometimes I mention my friend James, the sweet but awkward gay man I met over a year ago. I was never attracted to him romantically but I liked him as a person. One thing about James that I loved was his trustworthiness, he is a standup guy. I kept an open mind towards a relationship with James because I know he would be really good to me and look out for me, the way a "real" man should.
To be honest, I never found James that attractive and I think there needs to be at least some type of attraction. Sometimes his awkwardness and indecisiveness would get on my nerves but generally I found him to be a kind, sweet man. We never seriously talked about dating, I was hoping that he understood by now. I always said things like, "you're a good friend" or I would always sign off emails with, "your friend/buddy Steven" so as not to lead him on. We emailed each other twice a week but I have only met up with him about five times that I can remember, not exactly dedicated boyfriends. I do know that I held a special place for him, when he bought his new car, he never offered anyone a ride because he wanted me to be the first passenger. Also he was quite happy when I showed up to an event he loves to attend.
Lately he has been saying to me, that he feels too old for me. That was another issue I did have with him, he is only seven years older than I am but I tell people as a joke that I think he is turning ninety on his next birthday, or that James is the nicest old lady that I ever met. He has that attitude sometimes, like he was raised back in the 1920s and not the seventies.
Sunday he again mentioned thinking that he was too old for me. I felt he was trying to tell me that he wasn't interested in forming a romantic relationship with me. I felt we should clear up any misunderstandings so I responded. I told him that I agreed with him, in that we were not a match romantically but that I enjoyed our friendship immensely and his age shouldn't be a factor.
He was clearly hurt by this because I received an email saying that he appreciated my honesty. That just because two people are gay it doesn't mean they will make a good couple. That giving it a year is a fair amount of time to see if we were a match or not. However he also said that it is time for him to move on, that he will say goodbye to me now and that he wishes me all the best in whatever I do in the future.
I feel like garbage, I know I did the right thing but I still feel like garbage. He is socially awkward and obviously saw our friendship as something else. This is really too bad, I honestly didn't see it going this way. My practical side is screaming at me because I know that if we became a couple and something terrible happened to me, he would be at my side and unfortunately, it doesn't seem like there are many gay men left out there like that. I also feel like crap because I liked him.. a lot!
Ugh, uuuuugh, aaaaah, I hurt someone I care about, I hate this feeling and I'm going to really miss him. It's almost like I received a message saying James passed away.. and when you think about it, maybe it is a little similar... since our friendship suddenly died. Goodbye James I'm going to miss you, your buddy Steven.
Friday, October 11, 2019
Today (actually yesterday due to download issues) is apparently national coming out day, so I picked this coming out video that I really like about a man named Brian and what he went through, but first a message from Teddy!
Thursday, October 10, 2019
When I wrote the post earlier today, I was feeling overwhelmed and I was also feeling manipulated, like the person had an agenda. I didn't feel good about writing it later on however. I was thinking here is possibly a person in need of a friend and not someone out to use me or trick me with a sob story. I thought I should at least give him a chance before I reject him, so I called him to say hello.
What a complete jerk! That total jackass made me so angry. Well at least that would have been easier to write, I could have said how smart I was to figure him out. Instead however I had a pleasant conversation with a really nice man that probably just needs a friend. I will keep my guard up because it is the internet after all but we are going to have dinner together in a couple of days. He will probably turn out to be a good friend and I will hate myself for writing the last post! That's how I hope it turns out... now what makes crow taste good?
I have been more proactive lately in trying to meet people, I mean really it's not fair to expect guys to come to me if I'm not doing the same. Recently I contacted a guy that looked like a lot of fun to be with. He said he was looking for a boyfriend and also friends. His picture was cute, not Hollywood cute but cuddly guy cute, it shows him with a big smile on his face and two thumbs up. As well his profile was comical, almost smarty pants-ish, like someone else you all know. He wrote about meeting friends, going out and just enjoying life. I thought that is exactly the type of person I should meet.
When I contacted him, right away I noticed the complete lack of humor. In fact there seemed to be none of the guy in the profile. Eventually I found out that he suffered a terrible event in his life that has left him partially disabled. He tells me about being lonely all the time, about being house bound unless I drive him places, about feeling abandoned by his friends because they are busy a lot of the time... and of course he is the one guy that wants to meet right away.
I'm not here to rescue everyone, something similar happened with a relative recently that I was not closed to, (I have a large family). My life already consists of doctors, hospitals, appointments, illness, medications, sadness, tears and on and on. I'm not talking on another case, I wanted to find a distraction from that part of life. I just wanted some friends that I could say, "hey let's grab some dinner, movie, drinks" and not become someone else's caretaker. Maybe this guy is a really sweet guy but he has to look for someone else to attach himself to because lately I feel my cup is full when it comes to problems. I am not heartless, I have empathy for the guy I really do but I also give him a thumbs down for the completely misleading profile.
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Next week I will be meeting my high school friend for lunch. We have been exchanging emails and it seems that we are pretty much in the same frame of mind regarding what we feel is important to us now. It's almost like we can finish each other's thoughts and it's nice to reconnect. He understands a lot of my issues without me even bringing them up.
One thing that I got from my conversations with him however, is my complete failure to turn my life around into something more positive. Yes.. I looked after mom and was a total saint but I didn't do anything to develop who I am. I buried myself in a crisis solving and a care mode lifestyle that I didn't see I wasn't living. He was telling me about the business he started, about how they take time to not only travel but to actually live in other countries for a few months and other things he did to grow as a person. He has accomplished a lot since we last met and even then he had already accomplished a lot.
Last night I couldn't help asking myself what have I done. I felt my life was pale in comparison. I sentenced myself to a bleak life. My last years were spent in hospitals, nursing homes, social workers offices, doctor's offices. Every time I think I'm doing the right thing, I discover years later that I'm wrong. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have looked after mom, I'm saying that I should have developed me as well. I keep feeling like I'm running out of time to do something, be somewhere, be someone but I don't know the answer.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
This "no internet/cellphone" at the farm is making me crazy. I feel so disconnected from everything. Hopefully by Monday or Tuesday it will be back up. I worry because oddly enough my farm was a cut off line, once you drove past my farm, you had no more cell reception and I fear they may have shrunk the tower range instead of expanding it. Apparently there was damage to the tower and it needed to be repaired but I wonder if it's not as powerful as it used to be. Next they will be asking me to trade in the car for a horse.
I'm getting some yeses to meeting for coffee, makes me feel giddy, like I'm in high school again, only this time they are saying yes instead of aaaah, aaaah, run for your lives! Steve's asking people out, ack!
Yesterday my uncle came to visit, he has started to do that every year in the fall. He's my father's youngest brother. At first I was a bit put off by the visits because we were never close but now I enjoy them. He likes people but I think is a little awkward around them. Some people find him odd but generally like him. Umm, so yes.. I think you're probably seeing it too. I realized we have a lot in common, that's why I like his visits now.
I think also we are having the same issues. He sees all his family and friends disappearing around him and he is becoming increasingly lonely. I sense that he wants to get close to me, I'm ok with that, I welcome it. He asked me if I would give him a tour of the house, he grew up in this house, as much as this will always be home to me no matter where I go, I suddenly realized it is for him as well.
He took me out for lunch and told me a lot of funny stories about growing up on the farm, that I never heard before. Like my Dad playing tricks on him constantly as an older brother. Games the younger kids played, some my sister and I would later recreate unknowingly, using the same places to hide, climb, slide down when our parents weren't looking. The farm house here now is actually the third one, my Dad partly grew up in the second one but it burned down. I never realized the current one is the only one my uncle remembers because he was a baby when the fire happened. He had tears in his when we finished the tour, over my lifetime he would have only been in the kitchen or living room but not upstairs or the basement, he said he wanted to see it one last time before I sell.
I felt a kindred spirit with that visit and I leaned a few new things. I loved hearing the stories about Dad before he was a Dad, or even a husband for that matter. We tend to forget that our parents were people that had full lives long before we came along. My uncle often notes the way I look out for mom, he gave me some good advice about not letting life weight me down. He also told me not to get involved with a woman who has children... very good advice that I will totally follow!
Friday, October 4, 2019
Today it's cold out, barely above freezing but it's sunny out and I find it makes for a better day overall when the sun is shining. They are saying the temperature will drop below freezing tonight, that will definitely be goodbye for the flowers. I grew tired of watching over the garden and so I harvested anything that could be damaged by frost.
Still no cellphone or internet access at the farm, they are apparently working on it and said hopefully it will be fixed by this evening. If not, I know that means next week, nothing gets fixed on a weekend no matter how much they promise.
I had two interesting things happen this week. One was, as I checked messages before returning home, I got a couple of messages from guys. I thought at first it would just be the usual, "hello, I'm going to say hello and then I'm going to ignore you". However instead I'm finally getting some communication back and forth. One guy even sent me his email address in case he is not on the site but is on line. Maybe nothing will come out of this but at least there is some possibility and not some mind game.
The other thing that happened was when I contacted an old school friend. His family suffered a recent loss and I wanted to check in on him. He was important to me as a kid, he was the alpha male in our little group of friends. He was everything that I wished I could be at that time. I never felt that I was important to him however, I felt he tolerated me because he was mostly a nice guy. He replied saying that it's ironic I emailed him, that I would be surprised by how much he thought of me over the past year, how he was thinking about us growing up and about life. I was really touched, I didn't think I mattered, the kid from back then emerged and read those lines over a couple of times, just to be sure they were real. Strange that at my age, it still matters how people see/saw me.
Like many guys back then, he was very homophobic and the slurs, jokes and vile words were plenty. I always felt that if I could just get him to see things clearly, he would understand that I'm still just me, not some crazed sex freak (no offense Maddie lol). I now know for a fact that he has really changed. I wonder if he knows about me or suspects. I wonder if he feels bad about things he said in the past.
Yes... I'm going to try and meet up with him and yes.. I'm going to tell him my secret that I have wanted to tell him for years. I have a fall back plan, if I can't get the words out, I can show him something he wrote a few years ago in support of gay marriage, he will instantly understand what I'm trying to tell him.
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
Everyone keeps asking me why I keep the landline. The main reason is technology.. or lack of technology. The old stuff works, the new stuff is never reliable. It's fine for people in the city but out in the country, we need reliability, plus $16 a month is not expensive for something you can always count on.
Sorry I'm not reading blogs like I normally do, that is because I have had no cellphone or internet service since last Thursday. I check online when I get to work in the city but time is limited. Like this morning, I loved Sixpence's post from a few days ago about his skinny body. You could have been writing about me buddy.. excellent post as usual.
It makes it so hard to stay connected, I did want to cut back on my internet usage but not reduce it to zero! I have to drive about fifteen minutes from my house to send an email or check for messages. It gets annoying because cars keep stopping to ask if I'm ok since I'm parked on the side of the road. Country people are helpful and they mean well. I do get upset with the people who I know are just trying to figure out what I am doing. It can get quite awkward however when I'm masturbating to online porn, hey a man has got to do what a man has got to do. Sorry, my bad, potty mouth and no I would never do that!!!
I may not be around much because of this so not to worry.
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
As far as October firsts go, this was a warm one so not too, too bad. We had a few baby thunderstorms go through but nothing bad. The host of a morning radio show was saying that typically today is the last day we will have days of 20° Celsius (70 Fahrenheit) or warmer, that from now on around the Ottawa area, the days will be cooler, whaaa!
I went to see mom yesterday and she made me laugh. Most days she is unable to carry on any type of normal conversation now. Usually she says things that make no sense and I just agree with her. We were sitting on some couches by the main entrance and she said to me, "you know it's such a shame, they have these big beautiful doors and the only ones who use them are all the Jehovah's witnesses that come and go through here". I was startled, I laughed and said, "excuse me, what did you just say mom"? I though maybe I heard wrong. She said, "you know, all those Jehovah's witnesses that go back and forth through here... and they are always preaching about their.. their papers" and then she was gone again. I laughed, where did that come from? Even if one spoke to her during the day, she wouldn't understand what they were talking about, plus she would forget as soon as they walked away. The home wouldn't allow something like that either. It's funny the things our mind stores.
Monday, September 30, 2019
I sometimes wonder if there is a hidden code when it comes to meeting people on line. Like fishing rods setup and left in the water, I do leave my profile up as bait, well I am trying to catch me a man, lol. I have made a couple of friends online over the years but as far as actually meeting that special someone, I have given up hope regarding online. I feel Debra is correct in that I will meet someone through a club etc.
Every now and then, I get a message that seems authentic, as opposed to a caveman online version of a mating grunt. The message will say something friendly or positive like, "hi there, I liked your profile, would you be interested in grabbing a coffee or a drink sometime?" Happy at the prospect of making a new friend, boyfriend, friend with benefits or whatever, I reply back with something like, "hello back, I liked your profile as well, coffee sounds great, let me know what day works for you and where?"
Then I wait... then I wait... then I wait... nothing... crickets. Sometimes I send a little reminder but in a polite way like, "Pierre's cafe has some of the best coffee in the city". Then I wait... then I wait... then I wait.... nothing. By the third day I know that they are never going to answer. Some sites I can see they have been on since we last spoke and they are purposely avoiding me.
I don't get it, is there a hidden code that I don't know about? Have I said the wrong thing? Is there a secret language I'm supposed to be using, Gayanese? Homoslavia? Please tell me because I'm confused.. as this has happened four times to me in the last week. Maybe when they say let's go for coffee, I'm supposed to answer with, "okay sure, let's handcuff each other in a bathtub of green jello while wearing leather harnesses"! I expect these responses from the profiles that seem a little too direct and slightly cold but it's surprising (and slightly hurtful) from the ones that seem thoughtful and well written. I'm starting to think one of the responses I am supposed to give is, "no, please don't confuse me, I'm a straight guy" that seems to get their interest.
Password? Code? Hidden meaning? I don't know, it just seems that I'm answering in english but it must get translated somehow into "run away from this guy"!
Saturday, September 28, 2019
My internet at the farm is spotty this weekend plus I'm up to some other things so all is good, I didn't fall into a case of the gloomies because of my last post. :D Hi Lurky sweetie, you really do care... lol.
Ugh.... October first this coming week, fall is definitely a runaway train now! I don't really have time to blog so since it's almost October, here is a Halloween joke, I have to tell it or I will forget it.
A ghost walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "What? Are you here to try and scare me?"
The ghost answers back, "no, no don't worry friend, I'm just here for the boos."
Blame Debra, she started it! XD
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
As I go happily skipping towards my death, I feel that I should be prepared for my big moment. There, how's that for trying to stay positive about dying. It's uncanny how sixpence's blog and my blog intersect regarding topics. Yesterday while sexy-six was posting about midlife crisis, my lawyer was putting the final touches on my will. Now don't panic, I haven't been given six weeks to live or something like that but I felt it necessary to protect my sister should something happen.
Sixpence talked about midlife crisis, I don't think I've had a "crisis" but I've had my awakenings. The first was when a close friend's brother died, he was 36 and I was 37. He got up one Sunday morning and went to shave, then he dropped dead. That shocked me and I suddenly realized that I never lived life. I never really dated, I didn't know what it was like to be in love, nobody knew the real Steven, my life was a half lived life.
A few years later, I was slightly down when I turned forty, I did have a feeling of time running out. However I soon grew to love being in my forties. There was a sense of being sure of myself, I was getting comfortable with my homosexuality, I met Dan, I felt healthy, I still felt young, life was good. Even after losing dad, I was ok with life in general age wise. I also think there is something biological there as well, people talk about guys in their forties being promiscuous. I call it my horny forties, I was a lot more active and randy in my forties than I ever was in my thirties. I remember feeling like my sex drive was in overdrive. I sometimes think there is a hidden hormone that triggers men to try and spread their genetics around one last time before it's too late.
Then came fff, fffii, fifty (say whaaat) I find now however I do have that feeling of time running out. I'm not being hysterical in a midlife crisis, I'm being realistic, my father's side of the family has strong killer cancer genes, most of his brothers and sisters started dropping like flies at 50, like his aunts and uncles did, it finally got him as well. I have to be aware of that. I remember when the Doctor told him he was going to die, he said, "I knew that I wouldn't live forever but I didn't think I would go this soon". As I wind my way towards his age, I understand those words more and more, poor dad, there was nothing I could say in that moment.
I find time has finally caught up to me, I got away with it for most of my life but now I'm falling apart. I have not been well back and forth since last fall to be honest, I just don't like to talk about it, maybe nothing, maybe something. I see the guys my age at work, getting cancer, having heart attacks and some of those are the healthy ones, I know it's still a lottery but the odds are starting to build against me and I can't shake that.
The last big moment for me was when I placed mom into a nursing home. That was another wake up call, more like a wake-up shouting and screaming. I was 49 (when did that happen) and suddenly felt alone and that I was at the end. When I turned 50 (wtf) I stopped blogging, some of you were sending me emails wondering if I was alright, I couldn't tell you how depressed I had become. I would blog about other things. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to be in my 50s... like I did something wrong, that's why I never really mentioned it until now. Well actually society views older people like second class citizens, the older you get, the less value you have. I don't want to be in this group but it's not a choice I get to make. The day of my birthday, I felt like I stepped through a door and it slammed shut behind me. That my youth was on the other side, something I can never return to. I felt.. instead of thinking about plans for the future, now I have to start think about winding down.
I had a bit of a rebound, at 50 not much seemed to have changed, I started to believe that crap about age being just a number (garbage that clueless young people say); however that didn't hold. I have no choice, I pulled out my mantra of "learn to accept, learn to accept". I understand now why a lot of older people seem grumpy. The lawyer said to me yesterday as we discussed things like me being terminally ill, suffering, dying, beyond hope of recovery etc, "I'm sorry to have to be so gloomy". I told him the truth is that I deal with these decisions all the time now because of mom so I'm actually used to them. Also I told him that I sometimes was getting stressed about what would happen if I was hurt etc, the government would try to step in and they couldn't run their finger up their nose without putting an eye out. This way things are on my terms and my sister is protected from government interference, so the will gives me peace of mind.
I didn't get to finish the lecture yet on sixpence's blog, the man is a little slow at getting his point across. I'm hoping for something inspirational because I could use some right now.
Monday, September 23, 2019
Last year I didn't have a lot of tomatoes, due to the new owners of the local greenhouse mislabeling the plants and they turned out to be Roma tomatoes, a small cooking type of tomato and the yield was no good. This year I got five plants, Early Girl, Beef Steak and Golden Boy, spring was delayed as it was cold into June but soon it was a perfect year for them. We haven't had any frost yet and I'm still getting a lot from the garden. The only thing now is.. I'm sick of tomatoes! I have eaten them sliced, in salads, put them on pizza, made all kinds of pasta sauce, made dozens of my favorite tomato/onion/spinach sandwiches, gave them to friends, and almost everything I can think of!
I also have a lot of green peppers, I personally find they only really taste good in salads or stir fry, so I only bought three plants this year. Two plants produced a lot of nice big peppers and one plant didn't have one single pepper. Gardening can be strange like that.
Fortunately the tomato plants seemed to have stopped producing more tomatoes, the plants are ripening the green fruit that is already on and that's fine with me. This way, I also don't have to bring them all in. It's supposed to rain all week and be warm (no frost), which is good because I need more time to buy extra Tupperware to freeze spaghetti sauce in. Tomato anyone?
Sunday, September 22, 2019
Customer: Waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: It appears to be doing the backstroke sir.
Baah dump dum!
Customer: Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Shhhh Madame. Keep it down!
Customer: Well in about three seconds I don't think I will be keeping anything down!
The past week as I said yesterday, has been perfect weather wise. Sunny, warm but no humidity, slightly warmer than normal but not way above normal, just beautiful. One draw back of the warmer weather for this area however, is a little pest called cluster flies. They look identical to a house fly but in the fall they seek a warm place to hide out for the winter. This year had been okay fly wise. It turned cold at the end of August so they were caught off guard. The problem when it turns sunny and warm again is that they realize time is running out and that wherever they hid before isn't probably good enough for winter. This causes them to come by the hundreds to get into your house by any means. It's practically impossible to stop them, you just have to prepare for battle.
Once inside they tend to crawl into everything. This morning just as I was finishing enjoying my cup of coffee, I felt something in my mouth. Yes.. it was.. a fly. Ugh, gag, blah, yuck, ick, yuck, gross, I'm going to be sick. I don't know how that happened because I made my coffee and started drinking it. Either it crawled into the kettle and I was drinking boiled coffee flavored fly soup or it dived in when I turned my back to put the milk in the fridge. Let me just say that a large drowned fly in your mouth... feels exactly like you would imagine it feels.
The result of this is I can't eat today. Everything makes me want to gag, I used a lot of mouth wash but it's no use, I imagine all the little fly hairs that I swallowed, maybe even a leg... or two. Trying to eat my cereal, I kept having to check for raisons that shouldn't be in there. I'm pulling out the sticky fly paper, die you filthy little bug-gers die!
Saturday, September 21, 2019
This past week has been unbelievably beautiful. A solid week of nothing but sunshine and warm weather. Our second mini summer so to speak. It allowed me to get a lot of things done before winter comes. Is today the first day of fall or tomorrow? Doesn't matter, September first is the beginning of fall for me.
I haven't been to any auctions or much of anything regarding country life this year. I haven't really missed the animals, there were a few days I did but not many. Today I went to a small animal auction. My intention was to maybe pick up some rabbits or something. I feel a farm should have some kind of animal other than my old cat.
There were a few things I liked but they went really high in price so I stopped bidding. I mostly went because I love a good auction. Near the end of the sale, a box with three chicks came up and nobody was bidding. I could tell two were males and the other was not so clear, so I bought them.
Meet the new cast of characters. A box of chicks for a gay man.. Chick-fil-gay?
Unfortunately when I took them out of the box, I realized all three chicks were roosters. Anyway that doesn't matter, I just want them to look at, I only paid $1 for each of them. I got them because this is a farm and a farm should have something running around, people look at you funny when you tell them there are no animals here. At least now I can say yes. Once the garden is completely finished, I'm going to let them run around in there during the day. It's fenced so nothing can get to them.
I went in this evening to put some tools away in the barn, it was nice to heard some little noises instead of the deafening silence.
Friday, September 20, 2019
A straight friend of mine stopped in the other day for a chat. He is a few years older than me, a super nice guy, in fact if a little fairy godfather hovered down from the rainbow and asked me what kind of man I wanted, I would say a gay version of Fred. I was surprised to learn a few years ago from his mother, that Fred suffers from depression and break downs. I was completely shocked, he seems so calm, a down to earth type of person. I had no idea.
He was talking about it with me the other day, he sheepishly admitted to having to take drugs to combat some issues. He said that he needs the medication to function properly. He also mentioned how at least now the stigma of mental illness is lifting, that people, especially men, can talk about it now. He said it's upsetting that some people still dismiss mental illness, they say "just get over it" or "there's nothing wrong with them, they just want attention".
The odd thing is that, this in a way reminds me of my being gay, people said the same things about gay people. Once upon a time I wanted everyone to like me, I wanted them to accept me. Now however I don't care.. as in I really don't care because I think people like that are stupid and are choosing to remain stupid. I find the people who are bigoted towards LGBTQ people, mentally ill people, immigrants or unbelievable, even mentally challenged people, are against them because they are too stupid to learn anything about people from these groups.
The result is, I genuinely don't care what they think, to me their opinion is worthless. I also don't want them around me because I find when you talk to people like this, they are so negative, bitter and hate filled, they say ignorant things that make you embarrassed for them, sometimes you even feel sorry for them because they don't realize how dumb they sounded from what they just said. I don't need these kind of people to like me anymore.. I just need them to go away and stop buzzing in my ear.
Wednesday, September 18, 2019
My frustration has been notable lately with not finding my "posse" to hang out with. I guess it's an age issue now, most people don't want to hang out after thirty five. One thing about coming out that has surprised me is how nothing changed for me socially. I always thought that my awkwardness and being a loner was because of my hidden sexuality. I believed that once out, I would find a group to hang out with. Turns out nope, I'm just socially awkward.
When I was a kid and always on the outside looking in, I used to fantasize about being friends with ABBA. They were the most beautiful people I had ever seen. I had to learn about Sweden, I was excited to know that they grew tall blonde beautiful people over there like we grew corn.
If the people from ABBA were my friends, everyone would be so jealous, they would be extra nice to me because then.. they would know how important I was, if ABBA liked me, there must be a good reason.
We would hang out and talk about how much I loved Fernando, how at the time it was my favorite song EVER! Then I would surprise them with how well I could sing, (before puberty stole my voice), nodding their heads in agreement, the angelic blonde woman would tell me how it just all makes sense for me to join the band on tour as a backup singer. Well after all as she would point out, I already know most of their songs. Of course once on the road, they would all suddenly realize that I was too good to be just a backup singer, and I should sing as a third singer with the ladies.
They would be really nice people because they just looked so pure, compared to all the hairy, sweaty hippie singers left over from the sixties. They would look at me as a little brother. We would travel around the world and perform in big stadiums. During the week of course I would have to go to school but sometimes on a Friday afternoon, a limousine would pull up in front of my school and all four tall Swedes would get out (dressed in white, they were always dressed in white) and start waving me to join them in the car. Laughing I would pile in with them and we would drive off to our next adventure. The kids at school would be dumb struck and envious. They would want to have my adventures, they would want to be like me, they would want to be friends with me.
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
I am not thrilled with dating sites but I like to dabble with a few just to keep my name out there, every now and again I will meet someone and it will be a temporary friendship or an ongoing one. It's how I met my ex, my fwb and currently James, plus a few others that eventually drifted away. One of my
First at 55, grow a pair, don't send me a "wink" at least say hello, not hey or s'up or dick pics? If we are judging people then to be honest his photo looks a little unsettling, very angry or artsy screaming in a bizarre way and I have to admit.. no exaggeration, he reminds me of a llama, I know people will give me a hard time over that statement but I swear I'm not saying it to be mean. I guess I should feel honored that he went out of his usual comfort zone to wink at an old guy (who's younger than him).
I didn't respond, I just deleted his wink, kind of non appreciative of all the effort he put into our meeting. I also felt he is one of those men that just casts a net to see if he catches anything. Usually I will respond no matter what but I must come clean, this gayboy was turned off with the age limits (plus the llama face) and so did that gay flourish thingy with my finger as I deleted his ass while saying, "oh no you didn't"!
Monday, September 16, 2019
One sure sign of me starting to get
I felt bad for him because as he was hurriedly getting into his car, he didn't realize that he dropped his teddy while crossing the parking lot. No he didn't really have a teddy, my bad.
Sunday, September 15, 2019
I did it again, I missed out on going out. I don't know what gets into me at times but I have a habit of being excited about an upcoming event, only to give up on going the night before or even that morning.
This weekend there were three events that I wanted to attend. I was even a little excited about one. On Saturday I was going to have to choose; however the weather decided it for me, it rained all Friday night and early Saturday morning, so it was best that I go to one particular event only twenty minutes away from me. Nope didn't go, lost track of time and realized no point in going. This morning I couldn't get into gear. I was finally ready by eleven but I then realized that it takes over two hours to get there. I would just get there and in a couple of hours everything would be over and it's another two plus hours driving home. I talked myself out of it and decided not to go. In other words all the plans for this weekend, went out the window. I really wonder about myself, my sister was telling me that she does that as well. Maybe the idea of something sounds great but the reality of it, is not so exciting. Clearly proof that I over think most situations.
Since many bloggers are away, I will fill in for the Sunday sermon, since I'm not that religious, I need a little help. Everyone please rise and open your books to the story of Noah's ark. Blah, evolution smevolution, what will those silly scientists make up next!
Saturday, September 14, 2019
Yesterday I received some good news. My mother had an appointment with her cardiologist, they were thinking she may need an operation. That weighed heavy on me.. extremely heavy on me. I was going to have to make the choice, don't let her have the operation and if she dies then it's all my fault or have the operation and if it's too much for her condition and she dies, then it's all my fault, either way I could have caused my mom to die. When you hold someone else's life in your hands, it's unbelievable with the amount of guilt that comes with that responsibility.
However, all tests show that mom is actually fine, she doesn't need any operations or even medication. She has a minor difference in the way her heart beats but it's common according to the doctor. This irregularity in her heart beat was confusing the regular monitors and that is what was raising concerns. Her weak spells are more to do with age and her dementia and not heart.
I was practically giddy with relief yesterday, not just because mom is fine but also that the life and death situation has been lifted off my shoulders. I had made my decision however in the event of things going bad, medication yes but no to an operation. Mom only lives in the immediate present, so being in pain from an operation would be torture for her, there would be no way to have her understand what is going on and some days she is really feeble so it could really affect her. Now I don't have the worry of that decision, whatever happens from now on will be life taking its course and my sister and I have made peace with that.
It's freezing out and yet there is a storm banging around outside. The wind picked up so much I was looking for my little dog Toto. Just waiting for the flying monkeys now.
Since I can't sleep I was watching things that make me laugh, you know "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, these are a few of my favorite things". Besides drag queens, there is also a history of female impersonators, not so much now but I remember as a kid there were many who incorporated female characters into their variety shows. I came across the ultimate female impersonator, one of my favorites.
Watch a few minutes if you have the time. I'm sure most people have heard of Dame Edna. She gave me the giggles during the storm. :D
Thursday, September 12, 2019
As the title says, I turn heads. I was never that great looking but I noticed when around the gays, many guys would wink at me, smile at me, come talk to me and it felt good. Even when I was with Dan, I often got hit on with him there. I was a little ticked about that but he seemed to get a kick out of it. Sometimes I think he enjoyed it, sort of an attitude of, "you want him but I got him".
I turn heads for a different reason now and it's something I have to learn to accept. I'm reminded of a comment some man made on John Grey's blog (Going Gently). The comment went something like, "I started to notice when I reach my fifties that heads no longer turned for me, no long glances, no once over, no one sees me anymore". That made me feel sad because I know it's inevitable.
I'm losing my super powers, one of my abilities was to look years younger than I actually was. On my fortieth birthday, I was the only person asked for I.D at the bar we went to. That felt hysterically funny and good at the same time. The bouncer leaned into my face and said, "oh sorry sir, I didn't see all the wrinkles around your eyes", thanks for the great story to tell, b..ch.
I was turning heads at the pride festival. Often while walking, I would see a guy take notice of me, he would start to check me out but suddenly as he would get closer, he would do a look of realization, that I'm older than he first thought and then he would look away. I've been too embarrassed to bring it up here but yes, I turn heads, only now they are turning their heads away in disappointment. I think that might be worse than not being noticed at all.
Wednesday, September 11, 2019
I have mentioned that my dreams are often elaborate and extremely bizarre. Monday night I had one such dream, probably due to not sleeping properly the night before. As strange as it was, I felt that I learned something from it.
I dreamt that I was in a large building, partying it up with a lot of people. It was something like a casino, there were games, music, eating and dancing. I was enjoying a dinner with friends.. even though I have never met these people before. We were seated at long banquet tables and everyone was well dress for the evening. A hostess came up to my group and said, "this is drag night, who wants to try dressing up like a drag queen"? I didn't want to but some of the guys I was with said, "oh come on, this will be a blast"! We got up and the woman lead us to a dressing room, like what you see backstage at a theater. I tried on a wig, we were all giggling like crazy. Looking in the mirror, the wig transformed my appearance, looking very much like a woman. One of my friends said, "oow, wow, here's some lipstick, try some make-up, you look like the real deal"! I said, "Maddie is going to be so proud of me.. or really pissed"! The woman said, "oh you know Mistress Maddie, she is supposed to be on tonight"!
Once we got changed, we were all laughing at ourselves. The hostess asked us if we were ready to go back to our seats and give the rest of our friends a treat, maybe even get up on stage. I said, "we've come this far, we might as well". Laughing we got up and the other guys went down the hall ahead of me. They went through the door into the banquet hall and I was trying to keep up. I went through the door and as it slammed shut, I stood confused, I was looking at the night sky.. black dark with twinkling stars and it was completely quiet. I had ended up outside somewhere. I looked around and realized I was back at the country fair I had been to on Saturday... now I was with all straight guys, some of who had been drinking and I was dressed as a drag queen.
Stunned I wasn't sure what to do. There were some people there and they stared at me a little startled to see a drag queen appear. I tried to return, I couldn't get in the door, it was a back door and I was too embarrassed to walk around. I knew the people couldn't recognise me, at least not yet but they were giving me a look of disgust. Suddenly the door opened and a man stumbled out, I grabbed the door and went in, I was hoping that I would be sent back to the banquet hall; however I wasn't, I was still in the main building at the fair grounds. One man rolled his eyes and shook his head at his friends, other people snickered at me. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated. I saw some of the other guys, also still dressed in drag. I asked what had happened, they said they didn't understand but that we better get to the washroom and clean up. We passed a group of young guys, they gave us a look of hate, one guy turned to his friends and said half under his breath, "ugh, fucken fags". I felt threatened.
We went into the washroom and were hurriedly trying to rub off the make up. I pulled off the wig and began to look like myself again, sometimes myself and sometimes a much older version of myself. The other guys pulled off their wigs, we were trying to figure out how to get back to where we came from.
I was feeling really scared, really threatened, unsafe, I felt vulnerable. A thought suddenly occurred to me and I said to the guy sitting next to me, "I guess this is what it feels like for transgender people a lot of the time, even feminine guys or drag queens out on the street". Then the dream ended but those feelings still haunt me, I think I learned something, it wasn't real but it felt real enough.
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
We are all very natural, only the ignorant will say that members of the LGBTQ community are unnatural. It is common to find homosexuality and gender non conformance in nature. I get tired when people try to say that homosexuality is something that has been recently made up, at the same time hypocritically pointing it out in a book that is supposed to be thousands of years old.
I was reminded today about a small flock of chickens that was given to me a few years ago. The flock had become the target of a fox and so the owner asked me to take them. She told me about one of the hens, a "Buff Laced Polish" hen who I called Polly. A silly looking breed with a puffy head dress of feathers, like a chicken version of Tina Turner. The owner said that in three years, Polly had never once laid an egg. She raised her from a chick so she knew it wasn't because of age.
These are not my pictures but the chicken on the left is a good match for Polly.
I checked Polly out.. my suspicions were confirmed. Polly was an abomination in the eyes of the church. Most of her features were that of a female, but some were that of a male. Even more interesting was her behavior and her relationship with other chickens. My own hens didn't try to clobber her, a sign to me that they didn't see her as another hen. The rooster didn't pay attention to Polly, he didn't she her as male but wasn't interested in her as a female either. Polly however was absolutely terrified of the roosters, something odd for a hen, this behavior is more like that of a young rooster. Clearly Polly was non binary, not feeling like a hen but also not a rooster either. Polly was pretty much a loner, especially when let outside, she would go off on her own, all of the other chickens, used to laugh and call her names, they never let poor Polly.. play in any poultry games.
Her appearance had a few CKNLGBTQ signs as well, her tail feathers had a slight curve, like a young rooster about to grow in his tail feathers. Polly also had leg spurs, the spikes that grow out of a rooster's legs, only her spikes were hollow and not solid. I kept her for a while, I tried every trick in the book to see if she would lay.. but no egg. Eventually Polly went into show business, no this is not an euphemism, I sold her to a guy that shows birds. I was going to write the title "Polly the transgender chicken" but that would be incorrect, she is not transitioning into a rooster and he is not transitioning into a hen. Polly was staying Polly, neither hen nor rooster, just "Polly" exactly the way nature designed this little chicken.
Monday, September 9, 2019
Last night I woke up after two in the morning, fortunately I don't have to work today, otherwise I would be exhausted. My wittle brain decided that I had enough sleep and this was a perfect time for some serious worrying. Tick tock, tick tock watch the clock. I started to think about my work choices, this was brought on by the fact that a bunch of my cousins have retired this summer. Some are only fifty four and are as healthy as a forty year old. They had high paying government jobs and their retirement income will be much more than I make, it's like they won the lottery. Don't get me wrong, nothing was handed to them, they worked hard to get these jobs.
Hindsight is 20/20, and I really understand the meaning of that statement as I get older. A good example is two brothers retiring at the same time. The older brother didn't like school and went into home renovations etc. However after a few years he didn't like the uncertainty of that type of work, also he watched his younger brothers and sisters doing really well for themselves. He went to university, got a degree, then got into the government. It feels like ten years ago that he did that, yet he retired in spring, his younger brother made all the right decisions from high school on, so he also retired last spring. I think I will be working until I'm 90. Actually that played on my mind because I can retire at 65; however that's when mom began to show signs of dementia. Do I work till 65 and then lose my mind, that frightens me.
That's the strange part of life, it's a lottery. If you have your health, you win, if you don't, you lose and you can lose on so many levels, example my parents. I went to see my godparents yesterday. I shouldn't be startled by their ages but sometimes I'm in denial about the amount of time that has passed. They are 81 and 84 and have been a perfect example of people who won the life lottery. Both retired with good pensions, they travel south for the winter. They drive down, I don't think I would be brave enough to try that. They golf and other physical activities, both are very social and are sharp as a tack with their thinking, 80 is the new 60 absolutely applies to them. They are starting to have health issues now but seeing how they are on the journey towards 90, I think that is expected. I had a good visit with them, there are not many people of my parents generation left that I can talk to, plus the wisdom, people of that generation from around here have a life experience that isn't common anymore. It's comforting to be able to hear it again.
What was that? Suddenly I'm snapped out of my runaway train of thoughts. There was a strange noise outside, like a growl. Immediately I think about Kitty, nope we're good, it's damp out so she retired to the barn, she's safe. I listen but nothing, the deer come at night for the apples, I wonder about them. I look at the clock, going on to three in the morning. Suddenly there is howling close, very close to the house, other voices join in. I jump up, it's a bright moon but I can't see, there is a heavy fog over the land. Wolves and coyotes are masters at staying out of sight, night time makes them brave, night plus fog makes them bold. There is another chorus of howling, I can tell these are coyotes and there's three of them, about two minutes later from a distance a louder chorus answers back. This is a much deeper sounding tone, I'm not sure if they are older coyotes or maybe wolves howling to let them know this is their territory. It's hard to tell some times because the wolves here are red wolves and they will interbreed with coyotes.
I lay back down, thinking thinking thinking, I don't know why, I didn't have any coffee or chocolate. The temperature dropped to freezing, I brought in a bunch of veggies and covered the rest, hope the flowers survive for at least another week or two. I hear a car go by, unusual for this remote road at this time of night, makes me suspicious. What time is it anyway I'm thinking to myself. I look at the clock, it's not night anymore, it's five in the morning. I groan.. might as well get up now and do something. I'm exhausted, I made it through the night, I close my eyes for a few seconds and immediately fall asleep, not waking until almost nine, so much for getting a lot done.
Sunday, September 8, 2019
Yesterday after visiting with mom, I went to a small fall-fair going on nearby. I like to try and go because it's organized by the agricultural society for our area, so I'm supporting our own. Unfortunately it was a wet showers filled day. There was a break by evening and luckily the showers stopped.
There is a lot of nostalgia for me attending this little fair, as a child I often went with my family, I would know about 90% of the people there and spend the day running around with my friends. My dad even borrowed a team of heavy draft horses from a buddy one year and won a horse pulling competition with them. He was a skilled horse man, you have to know what you are doing, things can go wrong fast, he was 62 at the time.
It's getting harder and harder to go each year, too many memories but also it's dying out and that makes me leave feeling sad. As I said before it was 90% people I knew and 10% strangers, now it's the complete reverse. Many of the local farmers no longer participate, there are less farmers around and with much larger farms, they just don't have the time.
This next picture is a game they have the kids play. It's like musical chairs only they ride around the ring, when the music stops, they have to jump off and run to step on a white mat while leading their horse. It can be really funny, I usually cheer for any kid I know or the smallest kid.
There is a line from the movie George of the Jungle, "what is it with chicks and horses". Now I know that the mantra of the day is that boys and girls are exactly the same, there is absolutely no difference, there is no gender we are all one, we-are-all-one. Until you venture into the real world and things are very different from theory. One of those differences becomes extremely clear in the competitions. All the competitors are girls and women in the riding classes. Girls love horses, back when I was younger, there were as many boys and men in the riding competitions as women, probably even more. However with the invention of inexpensive dirt-bikes, ATVs, buggies etc, along with kids versions of these, the males are more thrilled with motors and were drawn away by them. The females stayed with the animals, that says something about the difference between the sexes. Yes there are exceptions but you can't argue with group after group of ten to twenty riders and all are female. On the flip side, the pulling competitions and wagon competitions are almost all men, usually older men but the wagon groups are small, three to four competitors, the overall volume of women competing to men is ten to one or maybe more. There are sadly not many young men coming up, so the writing is on the wall. This greatly affects my man watching, actually I only saw one cute cowboy. :(
This next picture is of a new competition, the rider tells the horse to stand, then the rider has to crawl through a barrel, get back on the horse and race to the end. The thing is most well trained horses will stand there, however as soon as the rider is in the barrel, many horses will run away because it can no longer see the rider, some become spooked by the barrel moving. Don't worry, the horse will return to the gate where it came in.
Sometimes I wish it was a little more professional but this is a good fair for people beginning to show or compete. They can learn from their mistakes. At the same time it can make things fun when things don't go exactly as planned.
I found it getting really cold in the evening especially because of the rain earlier so I decided to head home. I blogged a little while back about how I started to enjoy going barefoot outside, of course that has ended now, even my floor was cold enough I was wearing socks last night. I saw something at the fair that made me think how good it is to be young. There was a little guy about eleven or so, the kind of boy who is probably going to be a hottie later on, he was walking around all afternoon and evening barefoot, even when I was getting ready to leave! It was cold, the grass was wet from all the rain and yet he didn't seem to be bothered by it at all, kids are tough.
I drove away thinking this will probably be my last time to go, the reason being that while there, I was enjoying past memories much more than what was actually going on. Time to make new memories elsewhere, I feel it's pointless to waste time regarding the past.
Saturday, September 7, 2019
I have been holding off turning on any heat in the house. I wanted to see how far I could get without using the furnace. This fall has been like a typical fall that I would have in my childhood.. cold. Last week I had to close up the windows some nights and also yesterday during the day. Last September was so hot that I guess I have been paranoid about keeping the house cool. I was bracing for the 80+++ heat, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. We have had a number of frosts already, not strong enough to kill plants but it's getting close.
Tonight however I had to give in, I had been away and when I got home, the house was freezing, there has been no sunshine the past couple of days to warm up the house and I turned on the heat. The main reason is the dampness more than just the cold. At least I made it to the second weekend without folding. This also means I better start cleaning off the garden, it's easier to have everything still growing outside but Murphy's law dictates that some night when I have something important to do, the news will start warning about frost destroying the garden. This usually has me picking tomatoes by flashlight in a panic.
The leaves are changing, the geese are flocking, the night air is nippy, yeah summer has left the building.
Friday, September 6, 2019
I read today that they opened a "chic fil a" in Toronto and that they are going to open fifteen more. I am well aware of who owns them and their activist agenda against the LGBTQ community. That felt insulting, that felt like invasion from the American religious right. To add insult to injury, the lineups were apparently huge, I have never felt so betrayed by fellow Canadians. Even worse people camped out overnight, others waited up to twelve hours to get in. There were protesters who chanted "shame" but it didn't affect the people waiting to get in.
Some people said they didn't care, they just wanted chicken, others said that while they don't support the owners views, buying their fried chicken isn't a show of support. Really??? Supporting that business gives them money to carry out their anti LGBTQ agenda, if that isn't support.. then what is? I have to cool down, honestly I shouldn't expect any form of deep thinking from a person who waits in line for twelve hours just to get a chicken sandwich!
This also demonstrates to me that in the eyes of society, we still don't really matter. We are tolerated and now it's cool to have some gay people around, we have funny sayings, we do drag shows and we have fun parades. Other than that we are not thought much of. I say this because imagine if the owners said racist statements or anti Jewish/ Muslim statements. Especially in Canada, there would have been riots in the streets. If they were working to suppress people of color, I can imagine rocks going through the windows, people wouldn't want to be associated with that restaurant, others would be afraid to go.
I was looking at the people lining up to get in. Fried chicken typical people, the kind of people who would be better off ordering a salad. Ooh... I'm so pissed, I'm going all mean girl! One woman kept saying, "I want some good fried chicken, I want fried chicken, I don't care, I want to eat", well honey I grew up on a farm and I can recognise a cow when I see one. Who the f#k.. did your hair by the way, next time tell them not to use the lawnmower. Typical Wal-Mart look for most. Such an accomplished for the people who stayed out overnight... to eat fried chicken, I'm sure your parents must be so proud of you, especially since you are probably living off them because the rest of us were sleeping so that we could go to work the next day.
The franchise owner said he wants all people to feel welcome in his restaurant, then he should have invested in an inclusive franchise and not a bigoted one! That would almost be like the kkk forming a chain of restaurants and trying to encourage people of color to eat there and feel welcome there.
Today boys and girls our special word is "boycott", I generally don't support boycotting a business but they go beyond just having views different from mine, they are a threat to the LGBTQ community. What is it with all these billionaire right-wing evangelical Christians? I remember my bible and it's page after page after page warning people not to become addicted to money, in fact it says you can't serve both god and money. The LGBTQ community is hardly mentioned and even then it's not the way right wing-nuts would have you believe, it's funny how they focused on us but not the money part. How do people who want to believe the earth is flat, get so successful at business?
Just seeing the logo feels offensive. Crispy cream donuts failed in Canada, we are usually better eaters than Americans and customers found the product too rich and fatty. I hope this will be a repeat, I hope the restaurants fail, most people I know don't go to Popeyes or KFC anymore. I hope they are sent back across the border.
Thursday, September 5, 2019
When I was itsy bitsy, mom said I was going to try something new called kindergarten. She said I would get to be like the big kids and go to school! Nice try mom, I understood what school was and I had my lawyers contact her council in protest. I claimed discrimination on the fact that my older sister and cousins didn't have to go to "kid nerd garden". However I was living under a dictatorship, the system was fixed, not only was she my adversary, she was also the judge, guess who had to go.
My kindergarten teacher had only recently graduated from university, we were the first kindergarten class in that school and from what I have heard, we were her first students. I liked her, she seemed nice enough. I remember her as very tall with long slender legs like a giraffe. Understanding that she would have been a student in the sixties, she was a very modern dresser. She became known for her mini skirts, very mini.. mini skirts. Men used to smirk and ask me, "you got that teacher with all the mini skirts"? I didn't get the joke, I would just answer yes as they gave sideways glances to each other.
Eventually spring came, we said our goodbyes and the following year I went to the school were my sister was. I never saw her again but I remember about ten or more years ago, some of my old classmates were telling me about going to her retirement party. That struck me as an uh oh moment, meaning my really young kindergarten teacher was now old enough to retire. There are moments in life that when you pass them, it makes you stop and think about where you are going and about the time already passed.
Last week was another uh oh moment, reading one of the local papers I discovered.. my teacher died, I'm not sure yet what happened but I assume she must be in or close to her seventies. It makes me take a step back. Almost all of my teachers are dead now, definitely an uh ooh moment.
Anyway I have to tidy up, tomorrow a swarm of lesbians will descend upon the farm. Darn just when Debra went on holidays, I could have used some pointers.
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
I happen to read some of my older posts from years ago and I was reminded of the younger bloggers I had become friends with during that period of my life. At that time, everyone was trying to figure out.. how to come out. There was a large community of bloggers making the same journey and a really interesting thing was the age range.
I rarely post music videos because most people don't like anything I listen to, I have very odd tastes that range all over. Plus everyone has their own taste so if they hate heavy rock or country, there is no point in trying to create a post around a song. One type of music I used to listen to was New Age, yes.. I know it's weird but I loved it, I believe it let me appreciate what many of the younger guys were listening to. When I first started blogging, a lot of the younger guys were listening to trance and dance music, I listened to a lot of the pieces they recommend and I found myself really liking them. Now however years later; apparently trance has morphed into something called electronic dance music, or EDM as we cool people like to say. I'm not really a fan of it, I prefer the older trance music.
When I moved back home, I stopped listening and forgot about most of it to be honest but a few weeks ago I started hunting down my old favorites. While listening I keep getting a video recommended so I gave up ignoring it and watch the video. This is interesting, someone took EDM and put it with a video of traditional African dance and it totally works. You have to watch these guys move, they are doing some sort of bird dance but it's not the bird dance at your uncle's wedding, this is like the bird dance on steroids. I get a kick out of it and the first guy is amazing. You only need to watch it half way if you can't stand the music, it starts repeating the dance clips. Their feet must hurt, I don't think they are wearing shoes.
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
I heard the school buses running again this morning, a teensy weensy part of me said, "whew, I don't have to go". I hated school and as an awkward, extra small, red headed gay kid, I really really hated school. It's a significant number for me this year, a year with a nine, as in 2019. I remember when I first started high school back in 99, we didn't have cell phones or the internet.. oh wait.. no I didn't start in 99, must have been 89. I remember when I started back in 89, we didn't have laptops or iPads to do our homework, we didn't even have DVD players to watch movies yet. Also we had to.. oh wait, who am I kidding, as much as it pains me to say this, I started high school in 1979, oh mother of pearl, how did this happen. Computers.. heck we didn't even have VCRs or walkmans yet! Elton John was straight, Madonna was still a virgin and Michael Jackson was still black! We didn't have junior high so grade seven was high school for me.
I don't remember much about that first day, I know we were afraid of the older kids. There was a hazing ritual for new students. It certainly was a change from before, with our elementary teachers planning every step we had to make. I remember liking boys but I wasn't gay in my eyes. It's just that my man feelings hadn't kicked in yet, I had let myself think about being with my friends and must have gotten addicted to the day dreams, (gay dreams). I just needed to get them (my attractions) under control and I would be alright in a few months, even find a girlfriend maybe to hang out with at dances.
That first day must have been alright because I have no memory of it. I was probably already doing homework, getting myself ready for the following day at this time (7:15 p.m.) I wasn't happy about entering high school though, I always knew getting older sucked. I was the opposite of all my friends, I wanted to be a kid forever, I never wanted to grow up. It's funny to think about all those years ago, starting on my first steps towards being an adult. High school seemed like an eternity and yet now all these years later, we can see it was just a blip in time. I certainly never thought I would be back home, alone writing about it forty years later.
Sunday, September 1, 2019
September first, I have to accept it, I thought if I tried stapling all the calendars to August, then maybe it would stay summer longer. The frost on the deck roof this morning said otherwise. Fortunately it didn't affect anything in the gardens. Well... I will make myself enjoy the month, I actually do enjoy fall, I just have to remind myself that I do.
Actually September first does hold a special day for our family, without it... I wouldn't be here. This is my parents wedding anniversary. September was a popular month to get married, cool enough to dress up but warm enough not to have to wear extra clothes. I was thinking about visiting mom and wishing her a happy anniversary but there is no point now, she has no memory of being married, she no longer recognises my dad in photos, he has been gone too long. I know she would say "thank you" but only to be polite. It would be a hollow wish on my part.
Today there was another perk to this month, I needed to do some work outside and even though it was sunny, I needed a heavy shirt, it's so much nicer trying to work in cool weather and best of all, noooo bugs. I was trying to think of a theme picture for September, the leaves on the trees are still green, so it would be a little cliche to try and put up fall colors. I didn't sow pumpkin this year and an onion just doesn't say "it's September" so I will have to work on that one.
Another September perk, my dinner was almost completely from my garden, the only exception was bread and some mayonnaise. It was yummy-licious, nothing beats fresh vegetables, I will see how long I can make this last. In 2018 I had tomatoes right into December. If you can keep green ones coming up until October, they will ripen on your counter top and still taste better than the store bought ones.
I watched cars going back and forth, back and forth all day while I was working outside, it's a holiday and yet everyone seems so busy, life no longer let's people relax. That's really sad because most people don't realize how precious time is until they are running out of it.
Happy anniversary mom and dad, I love and miss you. :,(
Saturday, August 31, 2019
Last week after I came home from pride, I went out to check on my garden because I had been absent Saturday and Sunday. I saw something that hit me like a door in the face. The potato plants were lying down, some were turning brown and some yellow... noooo! You see for the non gardener, when the entire patch lays down like this and they are healthy, they are getting ready to go dormant. The plants die off and then you harvest the potatoes. The onions were doing the same and the tomatoes were dropping their leaves.
Summer is over. There was no mistaking the message, plants go by daylight hours, they don't care what the calendar or weather man says, they follow their own rhythm.
Gasp! Gassssssp! What? What has happened? Farewell rhubarb, you have earned your rest my old girl, you may sleep for you were the first to herald spring when I needed a sign of spring. You were the first real flavor after a winter of frozen or canned food, many plants have come and gone over the years but you have always been loyal to my family, good night, until we meet again some day.
Hey at least the peppers are still doing kickass!
I don't care what the calendar says, today is the last day of summer for me, tomorrow is the first day of fall. In this part of the world, the weather agrees with me. There is a chill in the air and this long weekend is always very different temperature wise from even last weekend. There is no more swimming in lakes and frost is a real constant danger now. Over all the summer of 2019 has been a pretty good summer, it started off cold but warmed up into a pleasant normal summer. Doesn't that sound weird to say or read, summer of 2019, really.. seriously it's been 19 years since the year 2000? When did that happen, imagine 2020, seems almost like the title of a science fiction novel or movie.. but I'm rambling.
Tomorrow begins the decent into darkness, death and cold but as you see... I'm keeping a positive attitude towards it. :p
Friday, August 30, 2019
I'm so happy, my nipple clamps arrived and they came with shocking power to give that extra spark!
Well you people did say to get more in touch with my sexuality. Plus every nipple clamp purchased during August comes with a free set of fuzzy handcuffs! Grrrrowl.
We have a number of out lesbians at work and I was surprised none were there, neither was the two trans people. Actually at work, no one even knew pride had happened.
A blog buddy said to me last week, while we were emailing back and forth, "what are you going to do to keep the moment going"? I like that he said that because it's exactly what was on my mind. I am trying different groups to socialize with, not dating sites but groups to make friends. I figure make friends first then maybe out of that I will meet Mr Right. Unfortunately this city seems so lame. In other cities these same groups meet, socialize and the groups thrive, here nobody goes, nobody puts any effort into meeting someone new and the groups disband in a year. Anyway I'm going to keep trying, onwards and outwards. Now I have to remember to turn the power down on these nipple clamps, last shock nearly made me wet myself and not in an erotic way!
Thursday, August 29, 2019
I wish I could record what I have been hearing most evenings this summer. I have tried but the phone doesn't pick it up. Some nights it's just coyotes howling, creepy enough but they are mostly just yappy when they howl and bark a little as well. However some nights there is a sound that even frightens the coyotes into silence. The hair standing up on the back of your neck comes from the wolves, apparently some must have built a den just north of the buildings because as night falls, they start howling after dark. It's not a silly yapping howl, it's the blood chilling deep moaning wail of a creature stalking the woods for its next kill. You get an image in your head of a dark figure, skulking from tree to tree in the evening mist. All the fairy tales filled with night terror become real. The big bad wolf, is the big bad wolf.. but only if you are another animal, they tend to stay away from people but they will kill anything they can get a hold of and when they get really hungry, they will do things that can get really scary, like come into your yard during the day.
It's the call of nature and when you hear it, let the machine pick up, "sorry, I can't come to the phone right now, plus to be honest I wouldn't taste that good, I'm all bones... and my friend Jim is here.. you know.. the hunter"!
It's interesting to hear them, I know people travel out into parks at night to listen for them. There are a lot more wolves around now than there used to be. My favorite actually is hearing the owls at night, I will miss them when I move. Now how do I set these wolves to shut off at eleven, life in the country.
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
I was thinking I better get this post done before it's been a week since the parade. Interesting (to me anyway), I happen to look back ten years ago to see what I was doing. I was posting about going to a pride parade, only the Montreal one and not Ottawa. I found that startling because it was the last parade I went to, I can't believe it's been ten years since I went. Anyhoo here's some pics.
Just like with our mayor finally coming out, the beautiful thing about eventually coming out, is it changes people for the better, like this fellow, welcome to the rainbow side.. like father like son?
I can't imagine how great it is for younger people, sadly they probably don't realize how lucky they are, to get to have gay proms etc. I loved this little guy, he was about twelve or so and was fabulously leading his group in a butterfly costume. The expression on his face was priceless, he loved his role.
Even though it was downtown Ottawa, surprisingly a group of bears showed up! I want a bear hug!
It wouldn't be right of me not to include a gay rugby team, drool drool pant!
Speaking of athletes, how about the volleyball team, drool drool pant!
Every pride parade needs a unicorn!
Speaking of animals, lots of people brought their dogs and puppies. This gorgeous young man was so good at keeping his three pups in line. Take note John Grey since you love dogs.
Of course our special ladies are always front and center.
Who wouldn't enjoy a burlesque show? Heck I want to go see that. Maybe even get to wear the tassels!
There was much much more, it was hard to get good pictures but this was a small part of what I saw. The crowd was huge, I heard yesterday that they estimated it to be at least a hundred thousand, I totally believe that number from what I saw, good thing I went because 999 999 just doesn't sound as sexy. I can remember a time years ago, when I heard 5000 showed up and I was amazed it was that big.
I always feel very emotional for days after any big LGBTQ event. I spend my life thinking I'm alone only to be snapped into reality that I'm not and that I have a whole community that can relate to me. I never want to leave something like a pride parade. Walking back to my car always feels so weird to me, like for a brief moment I get to live in a world where people are like me, then later I'm transported back to a world I'm not fully a part of.
It was important that I went this year because of all the bigotry I've heard being directed towards the LGBTQ community in the last twelve months. We got together, we played thumping dance music, we dressed up, (some undressed), we laughed, we cheered, mostly we had fun! I'm so thankful that as a gay man I live in Canada. There was a guy in the parade with a t-shirt that read, "this parade is gay" thankfully.. yes it is!