Friday, June 27, 2008

Violent Suggestions

Violent suggestions, hey that sounds like a cool name for a rock band, in my dream world I would be the lead singer... but I can't sing so back to this world. Normally I am a passive person, quiet and kind but I have to admit it, I hate hate hate pigeons, well not all pigeons, just the ones that insist on coming to my balcony and crapping everywhere! I mean really, how can a one pound bird expel about six pounds of gooey, greenish-gray, yogurt like plops all over the place in a matter of minutes. I can't tell you how many times I went out on the balcony and suddenly realized that I wasn't wearing any shoes. This battle has been going on for almost five years now and I am becoming war weary, not only is there the goo factor, there is the mating call of the male at four in the morning. The male flies to a balcony and begins his aaarooah aaarooah aaarooah to call a female to come and make a nest. The trouble is a male bird will come to almost every balcony in the morning here, there are 72 balconies on my side of the building alone, the noise can drive a person mad in spring at times. I tried at first to be the nature friendly guy, getting 'along' with the so called wild life that make their homes in the city. I was told to put up those plastic grocery bags, the idea people assured me, was that the bags would blow in the wind and frighten away the birds. I cleaned my balcony spotless for the hundredth time and put up the bags in places that would give me the best shock and awe factor I could get from them. When I came home that evening, I went to my door expecting to see a nice clean balcony. Imagine my disbelief in seeing two pigeons building a nest right under one of the bags!

The battle escalates in spring because having a bit of a green thumb, I like to grow a lot of plants out on the balcony, however this becomes attractive to pigeon parents who want to make baby crap factories like themselves. Nothing turns my pale skin red like when I look out and see pigeons tramping and digging out seedlings that I have cared for all winter. I increased my efforts to keep them away, I put up flags to scare them, I placed tanglefoot along the railings and that stuff is so sticky it does not lose it's affect for years. I even tried to spray bleach as the smell I heard keeps them away (don't get the spray on your good shorts... yes I did ) but nothing works. I have reduced the number who target me but still it only takes one or two.

Now no more mister nice guy, I want to get mean, I spend my days thinking of nasty things to do to them, what do you think of my ideas. First the 'Pigeon Sucker Upper' a vacuum cleaner attached to a woodchipper, do I need to explain. Second the 'Bye-Bye Nest Box' it would be a false nest box but built on top of a paper shredder. Third, since they like to land on chairs and poop, I am thinking some sort of a cross between a folding lawn chair and a giant rat trap. For those that like exotic pets how about the 'Python House' it would be a nice inviting house for the pigeon to go in out of the rain only with a python already inside, you could also order the 'Baby Gator' model if you find that more interesting. To show I am not totally cruel to animals, how about the "Feed The Homeless Cats' program, oh come on you would be helping a hungry kitty. I am open to suggestions.

No pigeons were harmed in the making of this blog, however it was thought about with a sinister laugh.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

My View Point

This is just my view on a subject that keeps coming up lately in the news. Again this week a man in Canada died because the police used a taser on him. Seems these things are not as safe as the manufactures say they are. I guess if you have any kind of hidden defect the jolt from these things will bring it out and you die. The thing that bothers me is the comments that are left on news sites and in discussion groups. Everyone is out to have any cop fired and charged with murder when they use the taser and it turns tragic. Any death is sad but I look at it from a different point of view. First it is usually not a person going for a walk in the park, no matter what people say, I can't believe any cop kissed his wife and children goodbye and said "see you honey, I'm going to hunt down a totally innocent person and zap them just for fun!" I know personally if I was aloud to have one and some guy maybe high on crack, was coming at me with a baseball bat, I would taser his ass to the pavement. I also understand that there are some cops who are a bit aggressive but really when you need one to get a crazed nut case off you, do you want him to come up and ask "can't we all just get along?"

What about the police, are they not allowed to protect themselves, some people made the comment "injuries are just part of their job, if they are too wimpy then get out," oh really! Wow what a brave statement from someone who probably is sitting by their computer and never went out of their way to help another person in their life, unless there was an angle in it for them. The police are people too with spouses, children, close friends and I don't think it is part of the police's job to take a bottle or chair to the head, it is not the WWF. I think as well when the officers arrive on a scene, they have no idea what is about to happen, plus they can not predict how a person will act. Maybe everyone around knows uncle Bernie just gets 'this way' when he is drunk but the cops don't and maybe this is the day old Bernie snaps. Examples of how we don't know the people around us, lately in this area there have been a couple of tragic examples of loving and devoted fathers who suddenly snapped and killed their wife and children. The friends and neighbors all had that same story, "he was a loving father, kind, gentle, quiet and we never would expect this to happen." we hear that sort of thing often, now imagine the police who have to go into those situations all the time, so is the drunk man harmless and just carrying a knife for attention, I am glad it is not my call. In extreme cases I feel it is better to taser someone if they can than for bullets to start flying. Again I want to be clear that I find it sad when it results in loss of life and we did have a very tragic incident here in Canada in an airport, there could definitely be better guide lines but honestly it is quite easy to avoid being tasered, like I said, it is not as if the cops are hiding around the corner waiting to jump out and get you.

I do have a solution that will benefit everyone involved. Those people who wrote "we should ban the police from having tasers because the police are just government paid thugs", that the police handled those situations wrong according to them, should put their name on a list. This list would be a call list and the people who feel they know how to handle the situation better than the police would be called when some guy is running around a bus station with a knife, they could then go and put their smart ass in harms way, as some combative person runs at them with a broken bottle, I wonder if they would suddenly wish they had a taser.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Circle of Friends.

Today, emailing back and forth to one of my blog buddies, made me call up a feeling or belief I have and I wonder if others ever feel the same way. Do you ever feel that certain people were meant to be in your life, that no matter what, God, life or what ever you believe in, will keep circling people back through your life until they become part of your life. Have you ever been in awe as to how you met some of your friends, boyfriend, girlfriend? Do you have a strange story as to how a person became a close friend or maybe you moved to a strange city only to bump into your favourite cousin and learn they just moved down the street from you?

Past examples for myself would be, in my younger days I was extremely shy, so meeting people I found to be very hard. Often I would feel that a certain person at work or in another social setting should be a close friend of mine, almost as if we had met before but I found it too hard to go up and get to know them. Usually it would happen that we would meet later on another job or we would find out that we had mutual friends while bumping into each other at a party or wedding. People that I wanted to try being friends with would be cycled back through my life until we had the opportunity to really get to know one another. Other times I would lose contact with past friends that I was close to, just from the day to day stuff that happens as we get older. Work, school, family will take away people and we lose contact before we realize it, however suddenly I will be walking through a park close to where I live, only to bump into past close friends who have moved back to the city and often just down the street from me. I have learned now as I get older to hang onto good friendships, no matter where they move to, good friendships are worth more than gold as we move through life, and whether we like it or not, one day we may find we need them. Sometimes I would like to believe that it is no accident in how we met the really important people in our life. Cycling, circling over and over, perhaps it is more common for me in a small city but I have heard very interesting things from people in large cities, even over seas as well. A cousin of mine had a new family recently move in across the street, when he went to welcome them, it was one of my close friends from past school days, thus giving us an opportunity to reconnect.

Finally even for Dave and myself, our meeting was clear chance. I was trying out a new site to meet guys, it was not going well and after only two days I pulled the ad because of the creepy responses I received. Dave also had tried the same site long ago and having no luck either, he gave up. One day being bored, he thought he would take a look, saw an ad for this poor little lost gay newbie and thought "this poor guy needs a friend or the gay world will eat him" so he responded and offered me his friendship just before I pulled the ad. I was nothing that he would have looked for in a boyfriend, we did not seem to have anything in common. I never would have responded to his ad either, I am chicken of sport-bikes (motorcycles) and I do not know much about home construction/renovations plus some of his other interests. I would also have been intimidated by him being already out to most people and would think a relationship could not work since I was only coming out. I did need a gay friend however and here I am now, that friendship only lasted until we first actually met in person, it was instant between us, we were too scared to admit it but a few days later I made my move and the rest is history as they say. The also remarkable thing to this is that the night we met in person was just a sudden spur of the moment, Dave was to have a meeting and since it was canceled he wanted to go out, I was close by and available so I went to meet him but only for friendship. That following weekend was when we sealed the dating deal, however he was actually suppose to go out on a first date with another guy the next week, so things could have turned out very different! Again however, sometimes I feel that people move through our life until they are exactly where they were meant to be.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Dave Is Gay? Gulp!

Yesterday was the dinner with Dave's coworkers that I spoke about and basically it went quite well. I have to say though it was a little amusing to see the look on some people's faces as Dave introduced me and it suddenly dawned on them why Dave never had a girlfriend. There were basically three reactions, the first was the friendly look as if to say "oh you little brat Dave, have you ever been keeping a big secret from me"! These people I would catch later giving Dave a playful smile or wink. The second reaction was sort of a startled "oh... uh... (Dave is with a guy) n... nice to meet you." You could see they were caught off guard and did not know what to do or say at first but suddenly wanted to show me they were okay with it. The third was more of an extended hand and as doing so, suddenly realizing what it meant and then hurrying off before they were seen talking to a gay couple. One man would not come over at all, and he kept pretending not to see Dave and I. The funny thing about this is, Dave told me once he thinks a manager of his is gay, this man is married with children, this is also the man who would not come over to say hello, this man I have never met before but I picked out of the crowd in a second, I guessed which one he was because my gaydar was going off with flashing red lights and bells ringing. I guess he was afraid we might run up to him and start screaming "you are one of us, you are one of us!"

It was also nice to experience the reaction from many of the people who already know Dave is gay. They would come to me and hug me, making me feel welcomed. Many were happy to finally meet the man who Dave spoke about. Some came up to me and told me I was very lucky, they said that I had a really sweet guy and I have to agree with them. I also learned a good lesson that you can never judge a person on their reaction. Some times a young person would be the one to scurry away and then on the other side of things, an elderly person would come up and tell me they were glad that Dave finally met someone. I would not be telling the whole truth if I did not say it felt very awkward most of the time, thankfully I was often rescued by some of Dave's friends I had met months earlier. Awkward, however this is just another step taken on my gay journey and I know I will have to face many more. I think the best comment came at the end of the night from an older woman who means the world to Dave. She is much older than us, near retirement age actually and very, very religious, she only recently found out Dave is gay and he had always been worried how she would react. When it came time to leave and we were saying good bye, she took my hand and said it was wonderful to meet me, I was not sure she had the full grasp as to Dave and my relationship until she firmly grabbed hold of Dave's hands and said "there is a good guy, you take good care of him Dave, do you hear me, look after him well"! That gives a person who is struggling to come out, such peace inside that is just too hard to describe, I could only smile ear to ear for hours after.

Friday, June 13, 2008

One More Step

In keeping with my thoughts of travelling on this road towards my gay life, I have to still be clear that it is hard for me. I never want to give the impression that it has now become a piece of cake, as I often say that would not be honest of me and I would not want to make someone struggling with these feelings, think that they were weak for not storming through like a gay super hero. I have started to accept my being gay as part of who I am, something I cannot change and the only life I can lead if I want to be true to myself. I no longer feel hated by God, just misunderstood by the people who say they speak for him. I also no longer feel alone or feel that this is uncommon. I have gone through an awakening of sorts which showed me sexuality flows in different degrees between gay to straight, that people like me have been all around waiting for contact, only I did not see them because I kept turning a blind eye to them, and not because they were not there. I understand the only choice I have now is to be me or to pretend to be someone else, however pretending to be someone else will churn underneath until it spills over and I am revealed in spite of myself.

One more step, always one more step, one more step to being gay and I will have to accept that this is my life. I know it will get easier as I continue and at the same time not get easier. The train running through my head at the moment is a dinner party coming up on Monday, it is a work related dinner for Dave. I have met some of his coworkers and they were nice, however not all know he is gay. They are excited that Dave is bringing someone to the dinner, they can hardly wait to meet the 'woman' that finally caught Dave. At first I thought if Dave was okay with them finding out that way, then it was his choice and agreed to go, however as the day approaches I am not comfortable with being Dave's great surprise. I want to back out but I made a promise, I will continue to go, and keep reminding myself I will be with a wonderful man, my friend, my partner, my Dave. We will have a protective wall of friends there, people who love Dave and support him. Unnerved is how I am feeling and the only way to chase it away, is to run at it head on. For other gay newbies, the coming out process is not easy but it is me, it is who I am and it takes less energy, emotion and "self", to be honest with who you really are, than to keep it bottled inside.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


These last few days have been dark for my Dave, it will be one year ago that he lost his mom. Like a lot of gay men, Dave was very close to his mother, more so than to his father. Dave's parents were fairly easy going people and when he told them he was gay ten years ago, they only had a few questions to help them understand what exactly "being" gay meant, then they told him if that was what he wanted in life, they were fine with it. When I met Dave almost five months ago, his nerves were still raw from the loss of his mother, I had to, kind of look out for him, for example I would try to avoid a movie or TV show that had a scene of someone losing their mother, it would be like torture to his very core. Being close to his parents was one of the things that attracted me to him. The strange thing is because I love Dave, I also feel a loss of a woman I will never get to know, I express to him that I also understand he probably feels the same way. I see her pictures and she is one of those people who seems shy but jolly or perhaps good natured as she is always smiling and laughing. I let Dave tell me as many stories as he needs to, because what is important to him, is important to me.

I also can't help relate as I see my own parents aging, in fact my parents are older than Dave's and I know that one day that dreaded phone call will come. Some days after spending time with Dave, I just have this sudden overwhelming urge to go visit them, often I tear up at the thought no one will be there to answer my call of "Mom" or "Dad" at a future date. I will always remember what my Mom's mother said to me one time, I was a thirteen year old and bored with being at Grandma's house, I was bugging my parents to go home when my Grandmother over heard me, she said "one day I will no longer be here and you will think of this day and miss me," it is true Grandma I miss you terrible now and I hope you knew at the time I loved you with all my heart but just didn't know how to say it. I felt so loved and wanted in her house and with the exception of my own parents, I never felt that kind of unconditional love from someone else again.

I had a decision to make about whether to be with Dave this weekend for the services to mark the one year loss. I know he would like me to be at his side, however I noticed as the family made plans for a service and small get together, some would leave the room so as not to let me see them cry, including Dave's father. I told Dave I will not be with him and explained why. This to me is still raw sorrow for his family and since they have all been so welcoming to me, I want them to grieve in peace, I feel it is just not right for them to worry that they have to hold back on my account. I told him this is family time and as I am new I will give them their space, of course he did not fully agree but he understood. Part of it is also that father's day is this weekend, talking about the loss of a parent makes me want to see my parents more, also another part is I can't stand to see Dave cry and know there is nothing I can do about it. Later on when I know his family better I can take part in family events like this, but as for now I will let them grieve for a sweet woman who was the world to them.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Have You?

Have you ever been told by someone that they love you, and it is so right that it hurts in a good way? Have you ever been told by someone that they love you and really, you know it is true, not love as in a friend, not love the way people just throw the word around, but the real thing. Have you ever felt it as a wave, coming at you just from the way they look towards you, has it ever made you cry in the dark because you can't handle such a strong positive emotion? Have you ever wondered how you finally got here? Have you ever loved being with someone so much that you wished you met earlier in life, just so you could have those extra years together? Have you ever had someone in your life that causes your heart to race if they stand close to you, or when being hugged, you secretly inhale deeply to capture their sent? Have you ever had someone where their happiness was just as important to you as your own, even more than your own? Have you ever noticed a strong need for a person that you unconsciously always have a hand or foot touching that person to stay connected, where intimate moments feel more spiritual than just physical? Have you ever wondered, "this must be what love feels like." Have you ever thought, "if this doesn't work, I'll never survive."

Monday, June 2, 2008

Huge Thoughts Of My Little Mind

Life, very interesting this thing called life. All around us is life, from bugs floating in the sky high beyond belief, to microbes deep within the earth. I love life, watching something grow is more wondrous to me than anything man can create. Spring is the perfect example, plants and trees waking up, turning green, flowers forming everywhere, animals with there young. It is so Disney perfect I can't help loving spring. It is part of the reason I have a green thumb, it is also part of the reason I had a small zoo of pets when I was young.

Life is sacred in many ways, animal, plant, human, it is hard to take a life of any kind for most people. I will not even dare talk about the loss of a human life at the hands of another, there should be more respect given to life than the daily TV showings of murder for entertainment. I do eat meat but I honestly believe to kill an animal changes a person inside, whether you admit it or not, a person would have to become removed from the task, in order to carry through with it. Even, think about how a lot of us find it a bit sad if a century old tree has to be cut down, a flower bed ripped up or a park being built upon, every life fits into a groove on this earth I believe and a gap is made when there is any loss. Except mosquitoes, they were put here to die die die!

Okay here comes my hippie moment, I must start off by saying I never use pot, however what if life is conscious in some way, maybe not in a way that we would understand like a person knowing they exist. What if life itself was more like a beehive or an anthill. One little bee can't do much, is not really aware of her existence and only has one specific job, however together an entire hive of bees live as a unit, able to choose where to build a nest, store food and defend itself against many dangers large and small. Same with the anthill, one ant only plays a small part, many ants live as a larger unit and do well. I was thinking about this one night while watching a program on life when the world began. Most people interested in this sort of thing know now evidence shows that life began to grow, diversify, evolve and just when things would start to get interesting, a huge rock would come hurtling out of the sky, crash into the earth and destroy almost every living thing on the planet. Life would struggle to rise out of the ashes, regain lost ground, get on to the business of living only to have the same thing happen over again, the slate would be wiped clean once more. Each time life made a comeback, the life forms would become more advanced. What if 'life' like a beehive under attack, could somehow detect the danger and act as a whole. What if life came up with a living being that could be aware of it's surroundings, see the danger, go on the offensive and send rockets through space to stop the next rock that would interfere with the greater plan. What if the greater plan is not to end all life as the doomsday people keep shouting, what if the greater plan is for life itself to again grow, diversify and this time spread out amongst the stars.