Saturday, December 8, 2018
I think most of my readers have the same feeling by now of time speeding up as we age. It seems to catch me off guard more and more these days, I am often actually startled by time lines that seem recent but are really distant. I have come to ease the time shock by playing a song in my head when these moments happen. It's the song "Let's Do the Time Warp Again", from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Every time someone says something that shakes my core regarding time, I hear that chorus, loudly in my head.
Take yesterday for example, I happened to bump into a guy that I had worked with. In "my mind" we parted ways about seven or eight years ago when he was part of massive layoffs in my company. I stayed on for a few more years until they finally came for me. He did well for himself, he already had a government type job when they gave him his walking papers. I asked him if he was still there and he said yes... that he has been there fourteen years now... "LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN" f... f.. fourteen years! I couldn't believe it, I remember saying goodbye to him, shocking when he said that.
It upset me greatly because I saw how he did the right thing by arranging to begin a new job right away. He has been going on with his life having a steady job, plus a pension when he retires. Myself on the other hand, have been dealing with cutbacks, layoffs, work stoppages, loss of benefits etc ever since. I have been in such a tunnel of survival mode at work, I couldn't see it would have been better to quit long ago and go somewhere else. It would have been easier to get hired in my thirties than now in my... older than thirties. I know looking back it's easy to see what I should have done, I know it's not healthy to do that but it really affected me.
Again last night, I settled down to watch one of my favorite Christmas movies; however I just couldn't get into it, I was bored with it. The feeling that was overwhelming me was that I felt I had just watched that movie a month or two ago and not the actual time line of a year ago. I find that when I pull Christmas decorations out, I feel like I just put them away. I am not one of those people who has them up for months either, usually a week or two before Christmas, (sometimes even Christmas eve) then everything is packed away by January sixth/seventh, a tradition of my mother's. Watching the movie last night, I said to myself, "I feel like I JUST watched this", then suddenly in my mind "LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN, LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN"!!!
Friday, December 7, 2018
I wish one of you were here, I would tell you to come to my bedroom, I would tell you to take your clothes off, I would tell you to get into my bed, I would tell you to roll around gently and make the bed comfortable for us, then when you are ready, I would get into bed with you and I would whisper into your ear, "thanks for getting the bed nice and warm, now not a peep out of you, turn over and go to sleep"! Hey don't judge me, it's -25 again and I don't want to get into a chilly bed, so deal with it!
Thursday, December 6, 2018
Last night one of the public broadcasting stations came through and I watched a discussion panel type show. The discussion was about men and about how to raise boys. As a side note, I had to laugh because it was a typical left leaning panel of women, a woman who became a man, a man who would loose a battle to a mosquito and an average masculine guy who feels masculinity is a bad thing. Pretty much a group of people that average boys would not be able to relate to. Still not to take anything away from the panel, they made a lot of good points about how boys are raised not to feel emotions and then we freak out when young men show no empathy.
The thing that interested me the most was a discussion with a young author afterwards. The book is called "I'm Afraid of Men" by Vivek Shraya. A transgender person caught between the world of male and female. The interview was thoughtful and it was good to hear his/her point of view of just trying to survive while being transgender and a person of colour.
What caught me most was the admission of being afraid of men, the host asked cheerfully if that still was the case, expecting a Hollywood happy ever after answer of "no" and how great it is now; however the answer was "yes, I still live in fear". The truth is that person is still very much a target especially for men. The back of the book reads "Men are afraid of me" and that's true, men would feel uncomfortable and the less thinking type would feel the need to attack, either verbally or physically.
I haven't read the book yet so I'm not going to comment further on it but I could/can relate. I remember when I was younger, I was terrified of men, groups of guys especially young guys out in the country, if they ever found out that I was gay... I would have been in danger. It's a funny coincidence that I saw this interview because I happened to be at a hockey arena on the weekend watching part of a game. There were some big guys there, I'm a tiny guy, I have always hovered around 125 pounds, I was thinking I would have no chance against them if they decided to attack me, six something and 220 solid pounds with arms the size of my thighs.
Fortunately that fear is less and less but there are still times when I am careful. When I was with Dan he thought it was funny to make me uncomfortable by holding my hand in front of people; however he was very serious at times when he knew that we could be in danger. Isn't that an interesting statement to make, "when we could be in danger" just because we loved each other put us in danger. I understand Vivek talking about being afraid of men, the truth is if you're going to get killed for being a member of the LGBTQ community, it's not by a bunch of grannies coming out of a quilting bee. Some men are probably offended by the title of the book but those same men want to ignore the facts. The truth is... I have felt that fear also, I can relate, I still do at times, it's very real.
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
Early mornings are often beautiful, in spring there is the chorus of birds, at other times of the year the different sun rises can be breathtaking. Seeing first light and the feeling that a new day is beginning has a special feeling to it. I will admit however that even though I think mornings are gorgeous, I am not a morning person.
I never have been a morning person, I would like to be a morning person but my internal clock always makes me want to sleep my heaviest between 3 a.m. and 9 a.m. my entire life, which is a total bummer when I have to be up by 5 a.m. I'm not a happy camper when I get up, I feel groggy for hours no matter how much sleep I get. I think right now is the worst time of year, even at 6:35 a.m. it's still black dark outside, I leave in the dark and get home in the dark. It doesn't help when it's freezing outside either, lately it's been between minus "eeeeek" and minus "aaaaahhkk" with a few nights of minus "where'd my #&@ing testicles go"!
Still if I didn't have to go to work, I would probably sleep in and miss the dawning of a new day and all the beauty that comes with it.
On my way to work, it was -25 that morning which caused pillars of rainbow like lights to appear in this field. I messed up on getting a better picture as I got closer but I would have missed this if I was still snoring in bed.
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
One foggy morning, at first light just before the sun came up, a unicorn came out of the mist and walked in front of me. I didn't have my camera ready but there he was, tall long legged, graceful animal with one horn pointing towards the heavens. I stopped my car, he stared at me for a few seconds and then disappeared back into the mist.
This actually did happen and as I watched the animal get closer, it was as I suspected... a young male deer. We always think of a male deer looking like one of Santa's reindeer; however in the first couple of years they often only grow little spiked horns like a goat. Sometimes like this fellow, they only grow one. I was thinking about the old people back in the day, traveling along the road, maybe having a little bit of "the drink" still in their system, probably full of superstitions and suddenly seeing that figure casting a shadow in the fog. There would have been some wild stories that evening.
I had a visitor all fall, a young buck would come to the apple trees two or three times a day. It's not uncommon to have deer in your yard, especially if you don't have a dog but it is almost unheard of to have a male deer. They are much much more weary of humans than the females. I don't hunt, I have no interest in hunting but I don't really have a problem with "true" hunters. I rent the rights to hunt on my land to a good group of guys and they keep away the idiots. I know it may sound strange but it helps keep the wild herds healthy. This picture was taken back in August or September of him.
It's the males you are allowed to hunt but not the females so the girls learn to come and eat your flowers while the males stay away. I didn't let myself get attached to the young buck, I felt his time on earth would be short because of his boldness and no fear of humans. Also to be honest he was a huge jerk to the females, beating them away from the apples, even ones with fawns at their side. I had forgotten about him the past few weeks as he disappeared just before hunting season and there were no signs of him since it ended. I tried not to get attached to him... but I can't tell you how happy I
was when he showed back up yesterday!
Sunday, December 2, 2018
When running around nude after your shower and simmering pasta sauce, remember to pull the pot off the burner, while leaving the lid on until the mixture stops bubbling, this way you don't have any tiny splashes or spitting that could turn your pasta sauce into sausage sauce.
Saturday, December 1, 2018
The first of December all ready, every year the holidays come whizzing past faster and faster. It feels like three weeks ago all the news reporters were shocked it was August the first and that the summer was half over. I'm set to enjoy this a little again. I had drifted completely away from doing anything Christmas-ish with the exception of going to my sister's for Christmas dinner. I want a little of that cheer and magic back again. I'm sick of dark days and feeling alone.
There was a farmer's market held near me, an organic farmer holds one every fall and spring for just one day, he has a huge riding arena and invites other unique organic type farmers, home style bakeries and crafts people to set up booths.
I found it hilarious that there was a group of chickens, happily walking through the crowds of shoppers, both people and birds picking up what they needed I guess lol, the hens calmly went about their business as if they did this every day. I was thinking about my ladies, they would have headed for the woods only to return that evening after all signs of people were clear. It's sort of a Christmas market, there were wagon rides and dog sled rides, I was glad to see a huge turn out again. The food can be a little expensive but you pay for what you get so it's usually delicious. They have home made sweaters, mitts and hats etc there as well. Plus lots of crafts for gift ideas. I enjoyed myself and bought way too many homemade cookies. I then spent the afternoon at a friend's talking, talking, talking which gave me a great excuse not to clean my filthy house for the holidays.
This is last year's tree, the little angel is my mother's ornament, it's older than I am so there is nostalgia in decorating as well for me.