Saturday, January 25, 2020

Unwanted People.

 I have blogged about this before but sometimes we make the mistake of judging ourselves in this time frame, using today's standards for mistakes we made years ago. That's unfair to our younger self because of two things, first we didn't have all the life experience to draw from, how many times now, do we find ourselves in a bad situation and it makes us kick into gear and do the things we wished.. would have been known to us back then. We also learn from watching others, knowledge is power and as we get older it's about the only power that increases for us.

 The second thing that is unfair when judging our younger selves, is the time frame. Things that are good now, start to give us a false sense that they have always been good and that we just didn't grasp it at the time. However that's not true and I was reminded this week of past issues that were quite serious. I will talk about judging myself regarding being gay but being overly harsh on your younger self can apply to anyone about anything. I had been feeling sorry for myself after reading Sixpence's blog post regarding what a little tramp he was at an early age... and I say that with a little envy. My old feelings of wasting my life started up again. I hate the fact that as far as my gay life was concerned, I pretty much deleted it until reaching my forties.

  I was listening to an interview with a woman about something horrible that happened to her. She is only a couple of years older than me. In 1984 when she turned 19 she joined the Canadian military, with the goal of becoming an army medic, she did very well in her training and was accepted gladly into a program to reach her dream. One day two men came to the base, arrested her, handcuffed her and dragged her off to an interrogation room. There they kept asking her if she was gay. Only a young woman, alone and 19, she was smart enough to say no. A few days later they pulled her in and did this again. Finally one of the men said that if she admitted the truth, they just wanted to know either way and she would be fine, nothing would happen to her. However if she lied and they found out after that she was lying, things would be really bad for her. She confessed to being confused about being gay. She was given a dishonorable discharge from the military and told that she can never apply for any type of government job for the rest of her life for being gay.

 She was being interviewed because they are going to build a monument to remember the LGBTQ purge that happened from the 1950s until 1990 by the Canadian government. It sounds unbelievable that it was still happening in 1990 here in Canada. I was reminded of that being the mindset of the day, I would have been a kid still in high school. I can't imagine little shy, quiet, naive me... being dragged into a dark room with a bright light stuck in my face, "ARE YOU GAY!!! Are you GAAAY"??? That's the time frame we were in back then.

 The other thing I have to remember is that gay people were dropping left, right and center with some new disease called AIDS. Nobody knew what the heck was going on. People were terrified that mosquitoes would transfer the virus, that swimming in a public pool would give you the virus or being on a crowded bus. I remember hearing the warnings to keep away from gay men, they were carriers like sick foxes or skunks with rabies. I remember a woman saying, gay people should all be put on an island and left to die, segregated from "normal" people, she said that she is not heartless, we can drop food but keep them away from everyone else. Aids was lurking behind every tree, just waiting to pounce on a young gay man like me, exposing me to everyone I knew as the hidden deviant amongst them.

 I have to keep remembering those days, we were being hunted, we were something that looked human but were a damaged subhuman, we were a scourge to be left to die on an island. Growing up in the country was even more isolating. I have to forgive that Steven, he was a child becoming a man and he was in survival mode, actually I should be proud of that kid, he did this all on his own with no guidance and came through it relatively sane. I have to recognize why he didn't believe it was safe to start coming out at thirty. Plus life threw a bizarre twist at him, where every single male friend he made, always turned out to be straight and that also makes a difference. I have to forgive that kid, I have to learn to forgive me.

Thursday, January 23, 2020

Cheeky Monkey Sex

 I love Bonobos, if you are not familiar with these little apes, they are a type of chimpanzee. A little smaller than regular chimpanzees, they used to be called dwarf chimps. The thing I like about Bonobos is unlike regular chimps, they are not violent. Regular chimpanzees are like humans, they murder each other, they beat their mates, they can act jealous, they form alliances to overthrow the leaders of their troop, the males are dominant, violent and control the group by pounding on the smaller chimps.

 With Bonobos the females lead the group and are more peaceful. The thing I really like about these little guys is that they resolve conflict through sex, lots of monkey sex. Even more unbelievable is that they are bisexual, males have sex, females have sex, males and females have sex... cue the porn music! These pictures are not mine, I downloaded them from the internet, some had copyright marks, these did not.

 Even better is that this bisexual monkey business, drives rightwing christians nuts. There was supposed to be no homosexuality or bisexuality in the natural world. We know now that the powers that be, had been suppressing this little inconvenient truth in the early days. Bonobos are actually closer related to us than regular chimps. Sometimes I think it would be cool to personally be bisexual, in an open relationship and experience the full picture of human sexuality.
 Maybe people could learn something from these horny little monkeys, less conflict more love.... making. Also interesting, these apes sometimes have sex facing each other like people, unlike the other chimpanzees that mate like animals.
  Turn down the lights, turn up the music and pass the bananas.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Blogging, it's a numbers game.

 Some days I feel that I have been neglecting my blog; however when I check it out, I have usually blogged within the last day or two. I try to keep it active, I think some readers get into a routine of following certain bloggers and like to see that there is a new post. I am the same way, I have a routine of who I check out and enjoy reading. I'm not sure about how the stats work but I seem to have doubled my readers lately, I don't know if those are actual numbers because the people who comment are my usual blog buddies, that hasn't changed much.

 My feeling of neglect towards the blog is unfounded, just out of my own curiosity I looked at my past numbers of posts per year. This year actually had the highest number of posts at 270, I think maybe I had a goal of 300 but I don't want to be posting just to reach a silly goal. I was surprised when I looked back, with the exception of last year at 221 posts, most other years I didn't even reach a hundred posts.

 Sometimes the numbers tell their own story. In 2007 I started my blog, I was already friends with bloggers by then and wanted to give blogging a try. It was a really big deal back then, especially for gay people supporting each other through the coming out process. I started late that August but wrote 67 posts that year, it was a great way to express my thoughts. The following year 2008 was my big year, I met Dan and people followed me through my first real full on relationship with 134 posts. Suddenly I saw that number drop to 32 posts in 2009... and of course sadly that was when dad became ill and later died. The following year was one post and I wish I had been able to blog for the following four years. Things were crazy with mom, I had a terrible job but even worse, things between Dan and I went south, I really could have used some advice or a shoulder to lean on.

 I started a better job in 2014 and attempted to blog again but at 8 posts... meh not a come back story. The following year I went up to 71 posts. Again I noticed a sudden drop in 2016 at only 45 posts. There were a lot of issues that year that I didn't feel I could share and so I kept them to myself, I really struggled with overwhelming sadness that year. The following year post numbers came back up as I worked through my problems.

 I just realized that I never was a very dedicated blogger, I only imagined that I was, so I don't have to feel guilty about not posting, apparently I've always been a blog slacker. My overall numbers are only 940 published posts with four sitting in draft. I think Dr Spo celebrated something like three or four thousand posts recently, I haven't even reach one thousand!

 I have to be honest and say that I no longer use this blog to get my thoughts out, I don't feel comfortable anymore saying what is bothering me or weighing on my mind. A lot of it is just too serious, too personal and even too dark at times. I think that I have shifted the blog more towards the social side of blogging and I'm okay with that for now. I think I'm going to post less this year but we will see, every time I think I will take a break, I post more. I guess my muse feel less pressure and become chatty Cathys.

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

Spam, the other pink meat?

 Remember that stuff? Spam, do they still sell that? Is that even meat? Spam, the meat that looks like vomit in a can, and you wonder why they never let me write the commercials for it! It's one of those foods I remember, if you threw a piece to the farm dogs, they would sniff it and then look at you as if to say, "umm what am I supposed to do with this?" That always made me suspicious, this from the same animals that loved rotting groundhog.

 This is my blog PSA! I have discovered some new form of weird spam thing happening, I'm not sure what is up but here is my alert. The Spamholes are going to some of my older posts, they put a link in the comments section, usually to gambling sites or uuugh, straight porn sites! I'm not sure what the reason is but they are doing it. Watch your post stats, if you find that ten to twenty people a day are suddenly "reading" a three-year old post about you buying socks... then it's a good chance that you have been part of the spam scam. I don't want to have to turn on the comments control section but I may have to. I'm going to see if I can block comments on old posts like people do on WordPress.

 I have had this happen about five or six times in the last year. Lately it was on my Halloween post from 2018, I was surprised to find it one of the top read posts. I couldn't remember anything exciting so I looked back. Actually it was a boring post, I worked late so I missed everything. Then I noticed a link recently put in the comment section to a gambling site.

 Spammers... worse than rotting groundhog meat.

Sunday, January 19, 2020

Genie in the toothpaste tube.

 I was talking with friends and one woman mentioned seeing her nephew. This young man is probably in his early thirties now. Nice guy, tall, lean, good looking guy with sandy blonde hair. Typical young guy from around here, into sports, fishing, dirt bikes etc. Years ago, when he was near completing high school, he met this other kid, (a friend of friends) that would hang around with them on weekends etc. He was the opposite to my friend's nephew, short, more into books, always dressed nicely, that type of guy.

 One day my friend's nephew realized that this other kid was gay, he felt very uncomfortable around the guy so he did what he felt he should do... he asked the kid to go out with him and the guy said yes. Good twist right? They are still together today... yes awww.

 I have been thinking about this couple today, they grew up just at the perfect moment in time to be gay in Canada. I remember seeing the positive comments on social media sites saying what a cute couple they made.. and that was by people in this area. I have been thinking also about older gay people saying that the younger generation have no idea what it was like back in the bad old days.

  In some way I'm glad they don't suffer from those memories. It must be interesting to grow up seeing the world as an equal in society. I always felt equal as a person but I knew society saw me as second or worse class. Some of the older people worry that if they don't know about past bigotry, things will backslide. I'm starting to think that probably won't happen.

 Take for instance my friend's nephew, he came out really young, he has spent his entire adult life as a fully out gay man. He is with his childhood sweetheart. He is very close with his family, grandparents, parents all accept him and his partner. He is also very close to some of his uncles that have the same hobbies of fishing, dirt bikes etc. Now imagine someone coming along and trying to make him live a straight life? He could handle himself just fine but you would also have a large family coming down on you.

 He is the opposite of me, he and many other young people that are gay, lesbian or bisexual, only know a life true to who they are. Trying to erase gay people from this society, would be like trying to put the genie back in the bottle or the toothpaste back in the tube. They don't know what it was like in the closet days but on the other hand, they only know what it's like to lead a sincere gay life. They have family and friends behind them, they have a different strength and are less likely to give up what they have. Even further, this guy has nephews and nieces that look up to him, imagine if one of them turns out to be gay, it will be a totally normal thing in that family.

 Even very different is how his relationship played out. You wouldn't call him a stereotypical gay man... but then what does that even mean nowadays? It appears there were two types of gay men, those that could hide and those who couldn't in the old days. All my empathy and admiration to the ones that couldn't hide. Now these guys that fit the old "straight" mold, don't feel a need to hide anymore and so he started off living the way he was supposed to.

 It's a completely different world for them, they grew up with the right to marry, with politicians marching in pride parades, with famous people proudly coming out, with tv shows about gay people, they grew up seeing themselves in society, how lucky they are. In fairness to this young man, when he came out to everyone, things were just starting to turn around for us, so it still wasn't a simple walk in the park for him. He is younger than me but I really admire him.

 One of my straight friends text me about a contract he has with a young gay couple, he was telling me that they are getting married in the spring. He was joking with me that, other than them getting married, no one would ever realize they were a gay couple. Being a smarty pants like me, he said, "they even have a Lab as a dog and not an Italian Greyhound"! I text back that I know it's wrong but I still get some sort of satisfaction when people are surprised that I'm gay. He text me back, "actually Steve you should feel insulted if they think a regular guy can't be gay".

Saturday, January 18, 2020

I want pretty things.

 I just want pretty things and that is in no way a stereotypical thing for a gay man... okay yes it is. I love a pretty song, it's one of my favorite things, it can be happy or sad. This is "Good for me", a song about falling in love, something the other day reminded me of those feelings and I enjoyed briefly reliving them. You won't know this band or song. The band is Above and Beyond, the singer is Zoe Johnston, I like her unassuming nature, like she could be an English teacher or your bank manager, until she starts to sing. I think it's a pretty song.     

Friday, January 17, 2020

Internal Homophobia, Projecting Externally.

 I have noticed the term [ internal homophobia] lately while reading posts on other blogs. Usually it has to do with some uptight guy, fighting tooth and nail against the LGBTQ community, being caught with his pants down... literally. Usually there is another guy (or two) involved, sometimes drugs, sometimes leather harness and sex toys. Most often however the guy is trying to frantically explain, how he thought his buddy was deflating and was just trying to help by blowing him back up again.

 I can understand being afraid to come out, I can understand being worried about rejection, I get it as that was me for a long time. What I don't get is the active harm towards the LGBTQ community that these people work towards. Stranger still is that many of these people (mostly gay/bi men) are involved with members of the same sex, they are actually functioning in homosexual behavior and yet are doing these hateful things as well. All my empathy goes out the window once I hear that.

 Lately I have come into contact with this type of internal homophobia online. At first I tried to be compassionate, I tried to be understanding... then I began to feel mentally assaulted, I became fed up and soon lost my patience. Sorry... but seriously there is something wrong with the way Americans see homosexuality, one hint is they are oblivious to the idea of bisexuality. I'm not trying to pick on my American friends but if I run into trouble with a homophobic guy, on a mostly GAY site, with HOMOSEXUAL and BISEXUAL men, so far it's going to be an American guy.

 Allow me to fill in the blanks. I visit certain sites that are about male sexuality. There are discussion groups and the premise is completely about men, our equipment, what turns us on, off etc, etc. The pictures are focused on men and men's bodies. There is very very little about women here. Mostly the guys who take part are gay or at some level of bisexuality, there is also a smaller group that identify as straight. Like in the blog world, I have made online friends and we chat, this however is where the trouble can start.

 First to be honest, you can call yourself what ever you like.. but I'm suspicious of the "straight" title in an all male forum about men. I say nothing so as not to offend, they could be on a journey of self discovery and this is part of their curiosity. I have these friends, they want to know about my sexual habits, they want to hear what it's like to have gay sex, they often send nude pictures of themselves and ask me what I think of them. Once comfortable with me, they confess to having gay sex with a high school friend, college roommate or while on a business trip with a colleague. They often "find" themselves in a "situation". Like the day they stayed in the gym sauna too long and "they don't know how it happened" but the next thing they know, they are having oral sex with another guy.

 Then one day I started to notice them saying things like, "fruit or fruity" or "you're okay Steve.. for a gay guy" or "I'm not homophobic but I don't like most gay guys". WTF!!! I started to have enough with the homophobic bullcrap and began to point out, that it's not so 100% straight to be on a male only site, talking about penises and how they let their best friend blow them. I suggested that they think about this.

 Melt down, total melt down! That's what began to happen when I would challenge any of these "straight" guys in their thinking. I guess I pulled the pin on their internal homophobic grenade because soon (sometimes within seconds) I would be unfriended and blocked! The seed I planted in their head caused an allergic reaction to thinking I assume. Again I noticed it was always with the American men. I spoke to some of the straight men from other countries and their attitude was more realistic. One guy from Australia said that he identified as straight because that describes him best but that he acknowledged it's not so straight, that he and his best friend like to watch porn together. I had that more realistic view from other countries as well, I know internal homophobia exists in all countries, it's just that all I have recently experienced were from one.

 I lost my cool but I'm okay with that, don't call me "fruit or fruity" or tell me that "you're okay... for a gay guy Steve", when you have had more homosexual experiences than I have. Other gay men began to complain about the homophobia showing up as well, even the cool straight guys began to mention it. There were some good posts from the more sexually aggressive gay men, sort of buzz off, but buzz wasn't the word they used. I feel on a male sexuality site we are the alpha male, sometimes I want to post and say if you're so afraid of your sexuality go somewhere you feel safe. Just don't think you're going to get away with calling me fruit, when you have to repeat yourself because of the penis in your mouth!