Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Well.. so today I was supposed to meet my friend. I'm always running behind, it's a bad habit that I have gotten into. Anyway with a little luck (and plenty of speeding) I managed to arrive slightly ahead of time. That is until I realized that I was at the wrong restaurant, no problem however, it was just down the street. When I went in there was only one couple there, so whew, I arrived first. I ordered a soft drink because my mouth gets dry when I'm nervous and I was debating whether to tell him right away from the beginning about being gay.
People started to arrive and I double checked the date and time of our meeting, everything was in order. I checked my email and there was a message there saying that he had to take his daughter to the hospital. He apologized and asked to make other arrangements. I never thought to check my email before I left, d'oh! I have become so used to my phone not working that when I am in the city, in the back of my mind it still doesn't work.
He feels bad but I was too embarrassed to tell him that it's my fault his daughter got hurt. You see when you make plans to go out with Mr Bean (aka Steve) bizarre things happen and people get hurt... sometimes they get diarrhea or hives but generally it doesn't go well and plans get cancelled.
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Ugh! I hate this. Sometimes I mention my friend James, the sweet but awkward gay man I met over a year ago. I was never attracted to him romantically but I liked him as a person. One thing about James that I loved was his trustworthiness, he is a standup guy. I kept an open mind towards a relationship with James because I know he would be really good to me and look out for me, the way a "real" man should.
To be honest, I never found James that attractive and I think there needs to be at least some type of attraction. Sometimes his awkwardness and indecisiveness would get on my nerves but generally I found him to be a kind, sweet man. We never seriously talked about dating, I was hoping that he understood by now. I always said things like, "you're a good friend" or I would always sign off emails with, "your friend/buddy Steven" so as not to lead him on. We emailed each other twice a week but I have only met up with him about five times that I can remember, not exactly dedicated boyfriends. I do know that I held a special place for him, when he bought his new car, he never offered anyone a ride because he wanted me to be the first passenger. Also he was quite happy when I showed up to an event he loves to attend.
Lately he has been saying to me, that he feels too old for me. That was another issue I did have with him, he is only seven years older than I am but I tell people as a joke that I think he is turning ninety on his next birthday, or that James is the nicest old lady that I ever met. He has that attitude sometimes, like he was raised back in the 1920s and not the seventies.
Sunday he again mentioned thinking that he was too old for me. I felt he was trying to tell me that he wasn't interested in forming a romantic relationship with me. I felt we should clear up any misunderstandings so I responded. I told him that I agreed with him, in that we were not a match romantically but that I enjoyed our friendship immensely and his age shouldn't be a factor.
He was clearly hurt by this because I received an email saying that he appreciated my honesty. That just because two people are gay it doesn't mean they will make a good couple. That giving it a year is a fair amount of time to see if we were a match or not. However he also said that it is time for him to move on, that he will say goodbye to me now and that he wishes me all the best in whatever I do in the future.
I feel like garbage, I know I did the right thing but I still feel like garbage. He is socially awkward and obviously saw our friendship as something else. This is really too bad, I honestly didn't see it going this way. My practical side is screaming at me because I know that if we became a couple and something terrible happened to me, he would be at my side and unfortunately, it doesn't seem like there are many gay men left out there like that. I also feel like crap because I liked him.. a lot!
Ugh, uuuuugh, aaaaah, I hurt someone I care about, I hate this feeling and I'm going to really miss him. It's almost like I received a message saying James passed away.. and when you think about it, maybe it is a little similar... since our friendship suddenly died. Goodbye James I'm going to miss you, your buddy Steven.
Friday, October 11, 2019
Today (actually yesterday due to download issues) is apparently national coming out day, so I picked this coming out video that I really like about a man named Brian and what he went through, but first a message from Teddy!
Thursday, October 10, 2019
When I wrote the post earlier today, I was feeling overwhelmed and I was also feeling manipulated, like the person had an agenda. I didn't feel good about writing it later on however. I was thinking here is possibly a person in need of a friend and not someone out to use me or trick me with a sob story. I thought I should at least give him a chance before I reject him, so I called him to say hello.
What a complete jerk! That total jackass made me so angry. Well at least that would have been easier to write, I could have said how smart I was to figure him out. Instead however I had a pleasant conversation with a really nice man that probably just needs a friend. I will keep my guard up because it is the internet after all but we are going to have dinner together in a couple of days. He will probably turn out to be a good friend and I will hate myself for writing the last post! That's how I hope it turns out... now what makes crow taste good?
I have been more proactive lately in trying to meet people, I mean really it's not fair to expect guys to come to me if I'm not doing the same. Recently I contacted a guy that looked like a lot of fun to be with. He said he was looking for a boyfriend and also friends. His picture was cute, not Hollywood cute but cuddly guy cute, it shows him with a big smile on his face and two thumbs up. As well his profile was comical, almost smarty pants-ish, like someone else you all know. He wrote about meeting friends, going out and just enjoying life. I thought that is exactly the type of person I should meet.
When I contacted him, right away I noticed the complete lack of humor. In fact there seemed to be none of the guy in the profile. Eventually I found out that he suffered a terrible event in his life that has left him partially disabled. He tells me about being lonely all the time, about being house bound unless I drive him places, about feeling abandoned by his friends because they are busy a lot of the time... and of course he is the one guy that wants to meet right away.
I'm not here to rescue everyone, something similar happened with a relative recently that I was not closed to, (I have a large family). My life already consists of doctors, hospitals, appointments, illness, medications, sadness, tears and on and on. I'm not talking on another case, I wanted to find a distraction from that part of life. I just wanted some friends that I could say, "hey let's grab some dinner, movie, drinks" and not become someone else's caretaker. Maybe this guy is a really sweet guy but he has to look for someone else to attach himself to because lately I feel my cup is full when it comes to problems. I am not heartless, I have empathy for the guy I really do but I also give him a thumbs down for the completely misleading profile.
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Next week I will be meeting my high school friend for lunch. We have been exchanging emails and it seems that we are pretty much in the same frame of mind regarding what we feel is important to us now. It's almost like we can finish each other's thoughts and it's nice to reconnect. He understands a lot of my issues without me even bringing them up.
One thing that I got from my conversations with him however, is my complete failure to turn my life around into something more positive. Yes.. I looked after mom and was a total saint but I didn't do anything to develop who I am. I buried myself in a crisis solving and a care mode lifestyle that I didn't see I wasn't living. He was telling me about the business he started, about how they take time to not only travel but to actually live in other countries for a few months and other things he did to grow as a person. He has accomplished a lot since we last met and even then he had already accomplished a lot.
Last night I couldn't help asking myself what have I done. I felt my life was pale in comparison. I sentenced myself to a bleak life. My last years were spent in hospitals, nursing homes, social workers offices, doctor's offices. Every time I think I'm doing the right thing, I discover years later that I'm wrong. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have looked after mom, I'm saying that I should have developed me as well. I keep feeling like I'm running out of time to do something, be somewhere, be someone but I don't know the answer.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
This "no internet/cellphone" at the farm is making me crazy. I feel so disconnected from everything. Hopefully by Monday or Tuesday it will be back up. I worry because oddly enough my farm was a cut off line, once you drove past my farm, you had no more cell reception and I fear they may have shrunk the tower range instead of expanding it. Apparently there was damage to the tower and it needed to be repaired but I wonder if it's not as powerful as it used to be. Next they will be asking me to trade in the car for a horse.
I'm getting some yeses to meeting for coffee, makes me feel giddy, like I'm in high school again, only this time they are saying yes instead of aaaah, aaaah, run for your lives! Steve's asking people out, ack!
Yesterday my uncle came to visit, he has started to do that every year in the fall. He's my father's youngest brother. At first I was a bit put off by the visits because we were never close but now I enjoy them. He likes people but I think is a little awkward around them. Some people find him odd but generally like him. Umm, so yes.. I think you're probably seeing it too. I realized we have a lot in common, that's why I like his visits now.
I think also we are having the same issues. He sees all his family and friends disappearing around him and he is becoming increasingly lonely. I sense that he wants to get close to me, I'm ok with that, I welcome it. He asked me if I would give him a tour of the house, he grew up in this house, as much as this will always be home to me no matter where I go, I suddenly realized it is for him as well.
He took me out for lunch and told me a lot of funny stories about growing up on the farm, that I never heard before. Like my Dad playing tricks on him constantly as an older brother. Games the younger kids played, some my sister and I would later recreate unknowingly, using the same places to hide, climb, slide down when our parents weren't looking. The farm house here now is actually the third one, my Dad partly grew up in the second one but it burned down. I never realized the current one is the only one my uncle remembers because he was a baby when the fire happened. He had tears in his when we finished the tour, over my lifetime he would have only been in the kitchen or living room but not upstairs or the basement, he said he wanted to see it one last time before I sell.
I felt a kindred spirit with that visit and I leaned a few new things. I loved hearing the stories about Dad before he was a Dad, or even a husband for that matter. We tend to forget that our parents were people that had full lives long before we came along. My uncle often notes the way I look out for mom, he gave me some good advice about not letting life weight me down. He also told me not to get involved with a woman who has children... very good advice that I will totally follow!