Sunday, December 30, 2007

I Must Be Gay Because...

Still feeling lazy folks and feeling like I just want to be silly, but hey it is the holidays. I'm happy to see so many of you still with me however! I was laughing with a friend today and playing my game of "I must be gay because".

I must be gay because, even though my family has the Sound of Music on VHS and DVD, I still stayed up late on Christmas to watch it on TV. You will be happy to know that though it came close this time, they escaped from the Nazis again. Stupid brown shirts, you would think by now they would have learned the Von Trapps were behind the head stones, or at least guard the cars from the chop-shop nuns!

I must be gay because, today I spent half an hour ironing my top sheet so that it would look and feel crisp when I go to bed tonight, it must double the gay factor that I will actually enjoy the crisp sheet.

I must be gay because, the thing that has me down right now is the fact that the play Mama Mia came to my city but is sold out, so I won't get to see it, even though I already saw it before. Double the gay factor for knowing all the words to all of the songs in the play, and thinking that the rest of the world is finally catching up to me in appreciating the talent of ABBA. ;p

I must be gay because, I cry like a rain forest at the end of every sappy Ghost Whisperer episode when the people say their long long drawn out good byes. I am also thinking not too many straight guys probably watch that show, so I guess we double the gay there as well.

I must be gay because, I used the word 'silly' at the beginning of this post! That is it, nothing heavy I'm just keeping it light. There are enough bad things happening in the world at the moment so I want this blog to end the year on the lighter side. Besides that is the only fluff that is on my brain at the moment

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Mini Post

Still feeling lazy but I will do a mini post today instead of being a total wind bag as usual. It all started when I was five, no just kidding not going to put you through that. The thing I want to talk about is what happened this morning, something minor but it shows me how far I have come in just six months.

This morning the guy I had met here in this city, called to say he was back from visiting his family over Christmas. We spoke a little and he asked if I would like to join him for brunch. Without a second thought I said yes, got ready and went out. While there we had a nice time discussing our Christmases, he was going skiing after and said to bad that I don't ski or I could have come along. Again the thing that makes me happy is that I am getting comfortable enough to just go out with a gay friend and then have a nice time. Six months ago it would have taken a lot to get me to go out with another gay person, plus I would have been sitting there sweating bullets thinking someone would, at any moment, walk in and see me there. As if by being with another guy they would know and start screaming at the top of their lungs, strange yes but the closet keeps a person from thinking straight... um no pun intended. I was totally excited to see him again and the thought never entered of being afraid or ashamed to meet. I'm still taking baby steps but they just feel right for me now, not like before. I can see now being in love and wanting to show off my boyfriend to everyone, before I would wonder if I could find a guy that would not mind hiding 100% and be my boyfriend at the same time. I'll keep making these small steps until I get exactly were I want to be. Meeting for brunch was something minor but when I think of the closeted Steven from this time last year, minor steps suddenly become major steps.

Friday, December 28, 2007


Sorry, the staff at sooo-this-is-me ate too much turkey and is completely uninspired and much too lazy to post. We apologize for any inconvenience to our readers and would like to extend our warmest wishes for the upcoming New Year.

Please remember to drive safely, if you have been drinking have a designated driver, take a cab or sleep with the party host.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Christmas Wonder

Is there ever the same wonder and mystery to Christmas as when you are a small child. Everything is so real to you, the spirit of Christmas, angels hover all around, excited at the memory of the baby Jesus and silently lending their voices as we practice the Christmas hymns. Heaven and earth seem to move closer to one another in our minds. Going to the local school to watch the older children in Christmas plays and concerts and as small children we would never dream that the whole adult world is in on a secret about the north pole that will reveal itself to us as we get older.

The longest hours ever for a small child to wait through, belong to the night before Christmas. I remember feeling like mass would take forever, I had a bit of guilt about that but I was sure God would understand. When we would get home there was no problem getting us to bed, we understood that the sooner we went to sleep, the sooner Santa would come. We also knew he would get easily spooked if he thought we were awake and might not come so sleep we must. The trouble was sleep always took a holiday on Christmas eve, I would fall asleep but kept waking up every two to three hours. When I would open my eyes and see the darkness of a winter night, it felt like I was about to climb the largest hill, I was in for a long battle of trying to get to sleep only to have my hidden excitement snap me fully back awake again. I felt betrayed by sleep, it was suppose to carry me to the morning, to the point of running down stairs, it was suppose to erase the waiting. Lying in bed I would become aware of the noises down stairs as the large farm house would groan, click and bang as it cooled down for the night. This would cause me to stay perfectly still, I would strain to hear, maybe just maybe it was him placing our gifts under the tree, I had to stay still not wanting to upset or disturb him, very important to let the man finish his job. Finally sleep again.

I would awaken to the sound of something slowly making it's way to my room, still dark out but morning was drawing near and I knew it was my Captain in the war of getting away with things on our parents. Yes my older sister would sneak over to see if I was awake, or wake me which ever presented itself. We would stay there until the blue light of the earliest dawn appeared, this signaled we could go. Not turning on any lights and staying quiet we would head down stairs, a little nervous that a strange man had been in the house and also hoping if he was still there that he would disappear once he heard us coming. As we descended the stairs the Christmas tree would come into view. It was always so magical and breath taking to a small child. Sparkling from tinsel, angel hair and glass ornaments reflecting the soft morning light and gently moving from the currents of air. There they were, at the base of the tree, toys! We did not get many during the year if ever, but this was the mother load! He had been here, on went the lights as we dove in. There was a magic to these gifts, brought in a sleigh by a man who few knew about, one day being built at the north pole the next in my house, in that time of complete innocence you just never thought to question. Mom and Dad would come down and always give each other those little knowing glances when I would say how Santa somehow knew just what I wanted.

I think there is always a little of that small child in a lot of us at Christmas. I don't think there is ever another wondrous time for us like that again, I believe that is why people try to hold onto those feelings, often by recreating it for their children and grandchildren. I still have a lot of the things Santa brought me, throwing them away would be throwing my child hood away, my memories away. I hope this Christmas morning, upon first opening your eyes, that again you will have that innocent wonder of a small child.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Christmas Reflection

Since people are beginning to travel and move around for the holidays, I would like to take a moment and wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I hope everyone has family or friends that they will spend the following days with, I also hope you will be surrounded with laughter, funny stories and of course great food. I don't usually get caught up in the frenzy of spending and rushing around like most people. I believe and so does my family that it is about getting together, having a good meal and opening a few gifts. Just small things like sweaters, a book or Cd's. Of course there is mass the night before and I really do love the story of the poor family that had a baby in a manger that went on to change the world.

Some days I feel that I have lost my faith, while other days I feel it is silly not to believe. I do know this however, whether I am Christian, agnostic or become atheist, I will always take part in Christmas. That is not because it is just a fun thing to do, but also to honour that baby born long ago. You have to admit whether you believe he was the son of God, a prophet or just a really good and wise man, he has helped shape the world and shaped it into a much better place. Keep in mind that there is a difference between Jesus and religion. The concept that we are all equal was pretty much unknown at that time and human life was often worth nothing. He sowed the seeds into society that we matter, that everyone of us matters from the poorest person to the richest. That our lives are of equal value because they hold other riches that can not be measured in currency. Even today I believe the values he taught of equality, caring for one another and not hating your enemy are what gave us our freedoms. You only have to look at a non Christian country to see that equality is not a priority. I don't want to turn this into a religious post because I am not a preacher, however when you are celebrating Christmas, I hope you will take a minute to stop and think, because in a world where money, power and fame seem to be the measure of a person, no one has ever had as much of an effect on society today as that little boy born poor, in a manger. Merry Christmas and Peace on Earth.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Shock! How Did That Happen?

Even though I am gay, I do know how babies are made. What really shocked me is that so many straight people don't seem to know. I say this because lately every time I am trying to find real news, the web pages are filled with the latest earth halting story, yes the Spears tramp II is knocked up. At first I felt sorry for her and figured she will now be part of the feeding frenzy for the paparazzi. However what has my eyes rolling is how everyone keeps saying how this "shocked" them. She said how it shocked her, he said how it shocked him, the mother said how shocked she was, the old lady down the street was shocked, some guy in a far off country tending goats on a mountain side was shocked. Shocked how? What part of inserting your penis and ejaculating into a vagina causes babies, do people not understand. This may "shock" many of you but that is how babies have been made since mankind has walked the earth. Shocked is if Bigfoot walked into a mall, if Elvis came out of hiding, or if Clay Aiken turned out to be gay. A Spears having sex and being sloppy or careless about it is not shocking.

The next dumb thing that came out of this, is the statement, "I don't believe in premarital sex," um excuse me? Yes you do! If you did not believe in it, you would not be doing it. Reminds me of that famous quote "I'm still a virgin" while that girl's boyfriend was saying he was having the best sex ever? This is like when a person is caught drunk driving and then they tell people they believe driving under the influence is wrong, no you don't because if you thought it was wrong you would not have kept doing it until you got caught or killed someone. If everyone had of just said 'major oops' and then went on to concentrate on this child having a child I would never think twice about it, just don't come out with these ridicules comments, just because you have a hit CD or TV show, does not exempt you from judging others when you find yourself in the same boat. If premarital sex is wrong in your eyes, then it is wrong for you as well. If sex with another man is wrong in your eyes, then you better not get caught doing it with a stranger in a public washroom. Society has the same rules, detects hypocrisy quickly and you will only end up with extra egg on your face.

The last thing that made me laugh was this morning, a picture of the Spears mother looking like her t-shirt would explode at the breasts, was saying she is going to put her book regarding how to raise children on hold for now, the little brat in me wonders if she is changing the title from 'How To Raise Children' to the new title of 'How NOT To Raise Children!' Should become a best seller everywhere for people with daughters, read the book and do the opposite.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My Blond Moment!

I just had a blond moment and I am laughing so hard at myself right now. I can't believe what I did today and you can laugh at me if you want, no not 'with me' this time it is okay to laugh at me! This morning I knew the snowplow was coming to clean the entire parking lot so I was getting ready to dig out my poor little car when I heard him, he came early so I rushed down and started cleaning off the car before I went to dig it out. There was a lot of ice on it so I started the car to warm it up while I was digging it out. I am always paranoid about leaving the keys in the car, I always think what if the automatic locks suddenly lock themselves, then I said to myself, 'it never happened before and everyone else does it. So I brush off my car and "click", yes the doors locked themselves with the car running. At first I did not want to believe it, I kept trying to open the doors hoping it was just ice, but no they were locked. With the car running, the plow getting closer to my parking area and the shovel locked in the trunk which did not allow me to even start to dig myself out, I was in a panic. I ran the seven floors up to my apartment to get the spare set, then ran back down. Walking up to my car feeling embarrassed but relieved, I pressed the 'unlock' button, nothing happened, stunned I tried the other doors, still nothing. I thought if I could just dig out a bit, maybe the car would warm up more and release the locks, but when I pressed to open the trunk nothing happened. I was really under stress now and not thinking clear. I ran back up and called the company I got the car from to see if there was some hidden trick or if they had heard of this before. The lady was very nice, she said she never heard of this happening before and then asked me the most embarrassing question I ever heard, "did you try your key in the door?" "Umm no" I said sheepishly "there wuzz ice'n stuff" I said completely lying through my teeth to save what was left of my manhood, "I'll go try that now" and much to my relief and ego shattering embarrassment, the key worked! I don't think I have ever used the key to open the door since about a month after I bought the car. That is my excuse, if you care even a little about me you will accept it!

I went Christmas shopping today and when noon time hit, I just wanted something quick so I went to a burger joint, while there eating, a really good looking man about my age sat at a table across from me. Something about him made my gaydar start to beep! Don't get your hopes up because nothing happened but the thing is, we did that eye contact game. The one where I look at him when I notice him looking at me, then he shyly looks away and then me looking away when he looks back. I just wish we could all get together and create a signal, one that says "yes I am attracted to you" or "yes I am open to meeting you". It is so hard sometimes, now I wonder if he liked me but was too shy to say hello in case I was straight and went nuts in front of everyone, that is what certainly stopped me. Even it would be comforting to just know he is straight and the only reason for him to stare, was because he thought he knew me. We need some kind of gay hand signals (no jokes) that would help us to meet each other, without the straight guys catching on, getting uncomfortable and thinking their sexuality is being questioned.The next guy alert was when I was finished shopping and getting into my car (I remembered how to, this time), there was a nice Hummer parked near my car and if 'Hummer' does not get a gay guys attention then the plate partly reading 'Iteabag' should get it. That made me laugh, until I saw the young guy that came out and got in. F**K me he was hot! I said to myself "yeah buddy, you can teabag me any time!" I guess 'teabag' is more of a straight guy thing however, not too many gay guys would complain I think if a cute friend puts the boys too close.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Directly Towards Me

While speaking with one of my favorite blog writers about a post he wrote, John from Open A Window (click on link to see his post) told me about knowing something was different from as early on as four years old. This statement gave me a jolt, and like a computer searching it's memory banks I suddenly had childhood images and emotions flood back. I was a little shocked because I had to agree, even though I say I was around fourteen when I first admitted to myself that I was gay, like John I felt there was something different about me from a very early age. Even as young as four I remember I liked to play with either quieter shy type boys or girls, I could not understand why most boys wanted to play rough, and actually take part in games and adventures where the result could be pain. I felt something was wrong, a lot of times I could identify with girls but not boys. I did not play with dolls but I was fascinated with a neighbor's kitchen set where I could do dishes just like Mom! I did like to play with trucks but not to the same level as my male friends. I hated most sports and preferred to play tag or kick the can when there were a lot of kids over. Sports made me look clumsy and awkward and I did not want the extra negative attention. It certainly proves to me that I was born this way, I knew that something different was in store for me as a man but I did not understand what that was. It wasn't only me, a lot of neighbors, family, teachers also knew there was something different about me as a little boy but could not put their finger on it either.

I felt like a failure as a 'boy', like there was something damaged about me, something I wanted to change but did not know how. My male friends seemed so brave, so fearless, so strong and I felt weak and a coward compared to them. Everything seemed to make me cry easier than for them, I was always over sensitive to situations as well and was painfully aware of it. When I started school it became worse, that is when for me it showed up more. I remember as a little kid playing on the school grounds, hearing the words over and over, sissy, queer, fag and even though at that time they were not meant for me, I knew somehow deep inside they were directed towards me. I was not really sure of the meaning to these words but I was sure that they were meant to assault a guys masculinity, meaning less than perfect male, meaning someone like me. Life also gave me the card of always being half the size and half the strength of my friends. Some times even neighbors jokingly said "you should have been born a girl" but I knew it was meant in a back-handed way as well. It is a very hard blow for a child to get such an unsolicited cruel statement from an adult and often I remain cold to these people to this day.

As much of a failure being a boy I felt inside, it was double the feeling of being a failure as a son. I knew something was different with me but so did my father and he was not pleased. Yes I know a lot of you will want to write and say kind things like he loved me anyway, but I'm sorry that is Hollywood I grew up in real life. My Dad was very much the rough and tumble little boy when growing up, I was told many stories by older neighbors about the adventures he got himself into. I always imagine the way people congratulated him when he had a son and then must have scratched their heads later when my personality started to develop. As hard as it is for me to write this, I am sure he felt cheated from being stuck with a son like me and was ashamed of me, I know he was because many times he told me he was ashamed of me. I told John of nights when I was a kid, lying tense in bed, straining to hear my parents talking when my Dad was angry with me, I knew they thought I was asleep and I was fearful that I would hear my Dad say something like "why did I have to get stuck with him for a son" or "I wish I had a better son like Chris, Frank, or Jim, instead" I know he thought that often.

I think these past experiences are a large part of the reasons why I could not accept being gay. I saw it as a total sign of weakness and living gay would have been to give myself over to the image that I had been fighting my whole life. It is also part of the reason that I plunged myself into my work, staying late and working weekends. This way I did not have to deal with life, particularly a gay life and I could appear dedicated like a hard working man so that my Dad would be proud. It has cost me lost time. We are closer now my Father and I, he has mellowed with age, I think he sees me as a good person and understands I am more of an office guy than hockey jock. He calls just to talk now sometimes which he never did before. I worry now that if it should come up that I need to tell my parents I am gay, it will throw things back to the tense way they were before. However I have started on this path and it is the one that I will follow through. I have already had some of the hardships of being gay or trying not to be gay, so time now I think to experience some of the good things it has to offer, and yes I will now accept the experiences, the fun, the new friends that my gay life is sending directly towards me.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Is Romance Dead?

Is romance dead, did it ever really exist or did I just want it to and imagined it so. I sometimes think I am being too much of a romantic and looking for something that is no longer there, if it was ever there in the first place. Maybe a result of growing up with the Hollywood mush factory, regurgitating out love story after love story, cue Celine Dion singing about lost, forbidden or unrequited love. Especially in the gay community it does seem to be very rare. I am almost hesitant about writing this, for fear of stepping on toes and hurting feelings. I certainly would not want anyone to read this and feel judged, I am actually reallying wondering if I am being unreasonable or too prudish. Maybe I need to lighten up a little, maybe that is why I am finding it hard to connect. I just feel that the relationships and dating within the gay community seem to move so fast paced, that my head spins.

I have been reading (lurking) blogs for a while now, so I often followed along quietly as a person similar to me was unsure about being gay, coming out, dating etc. When I started writing I often connected with people of all ages in the same boat and I really enjoyed the feeling of finally belonging somewhere. I had these visions of us all finally meeting someone, writing about it, first date, forming a crush, first kiss, what that felt like and the progress of this into a loving relationship. However that never seems to be the case, it is more like one day a guy is unsure of his sexuality and then the next he is on the floor with a stranger. Maybe it is a guy thing, I really believe there are almost no real romantic straight guys, most only act that way to get the girl. I even see now that as girls get more comfortable with their sexuality, their relationships often start to resemble gay relationship. Meaning this, I once watched a show on relationships, part of the panel had two gay men on it. They were saying that often with straight relationships vs gay it went as follows. Straight people meet, get to know one another, start dating, then finally have sex, however in the gay culture, gay men have sex, meet, get to know one another and then date if there is some connection. I was offended by this at the time, but I think to a huge degree they were being honest. I think most straight men would do away with the romantic side if the women said one day it was no longer required, maybe that is why it seems easy for gay men to hook-up, there is no woman to say 'where are my flowers?' Was romance just a way of drawing out the dating process so that no sex occurred until after the wedding? With today's methods of preventing pregnancy and partial break down of marriage, is romance no longer required. It would seem that way as more and more girls hook-up on the first date.

I thoroughly enjoy and honestly like all the guys that I interact with (meaning you, yes you) through this blog, whether reading your blogs, you reading mine, comments etc, so again I just want to be clear that I am not judging anyone, or pointing anyone out. More like thinking I could be unrealistic in my expectations. Prince charming is not sitting by his computer waiting for me to put up my profile and he certainly is not sitting in a bar all these years telling good looking guys to back-off as he is watching the door for me to enter. Perhaps I need to get out and slam bodies with a few strangers before realizing that one is my match. The Catholic up bringing may have shaped my view on relationships, however we all know Catholic and gay don't mix, the only time they ever condone male on male sex is when one is a priest and the other is an alt.... okay okay I won't say it, my bad sorry! (Actually to be honest there were some very kind Priests and Nuns that watched out for us while growing up). Gay relationships might just be faster paced and me being too slow about it has caused me to miss them. Still I can't help feeling empty when I read about two guys meeting, having sex and then move on. There is to me a 'gift of self ' when being intimate with someone else, and I feel a stranger who has never proved himself to me, does not deserve that gift. That is just me being me and not thinking my way is better, I guess if you are okay with it, then that is a decision you have to live with. I wonder if the ones who wait for romance are the people that really sell themselves out by not being part of life. At least the others are out there living and trying to form relationships, the truth is also they are the ones most likely to find a partner, so does it matter how they found each other. Is romance dead, does it just get in the way, or did it ever exist in the real world.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I Lost My Ass!

I lost my ass, has anyone seen my ass? I noticed this morning getting out of the shower. It was my one good body quality, I used to have a good set of buns. Girls often liked to pinch, grab and tweak the cheeks. I did not mind the attention, it was all in fun and not harassment. It is gone now, I don't know when I lost it and I look like a lot of my Asian friends who keep pointing out that they have no ass or a flat ass. Hmmm, actually that makes me wonder if they suspect something and are afraid of me, why else would straight Asian guys be so eager to line up and show me they have no ass and then laugh about it. I should scare them with the comment "well there is still a hole in it right" if they suddenly look nervous I will know. Anyway back to the buns, oh wait a minute, there they are, they seem to have joined together, moved around front and up higher to my stomach! Skinny guys should not have a pot belly!

This whole coming out process has me a lot more self conscious about the way I look than I ever was before. I thought girls were demanding about good looks but you gay bitches are waaaay more catty! I was even reading a post where some of my favorite younger blog writers wrote about one guy not being good looking enough to have the hot boyfriend he had. Well look here you evil little gay children of the corn, maybe he just treated him with respect and saw him as more than a good ass or body. Naaah, we all know that is not true, the ugly gay guy was either rich, had a huge penis, was wild in bed or like the guys said the good looking one was a rent-boy. I just thought since I am not too ugly that the gay community would just open it's arms and be glad, or make that lucky to have me. Yes a little conceited of me but I was raised amongst straight men and was taught, gay men wanted sex with any man they could get. Well I have had my eyes opened. Just where did all these hot gay guys come from! When I was younger, even a lot of guys in gay porn were certainly not that hot. This makes me realize that a lot of the hot football, baseball, hockey jocks that teased us and put us down, were actually into penis as well. Thanks for making a lot of us feel inadequate, you bastards! Now here they are again making me feel less than, by being so frigging hot in the bars. Grrrrrrr, this means I will have to work out. I don't want to, I think I need to shape up before I start going to the gym. How embarrassing if an eighty year old lady bench presses more than me.

I could actually use a little help on clothes and shoes also. Since most of my stuff comes from Sears, the wardrobe is not too gay friendly for me going out to a bar and looking cool. Any suggestions on shoes? I was thinking black shoes go with everything, yes? What is nice and where to get it? What about clothes for a guy above thirty? Any suggestions are welcomed. At the moment I sort of look like a gay farmer dressed for church.

Sometimes getting into shape is harder for thin guys, most routines are geared towards losing weight, if I lose any more weight I will be a pile of dust like on Buffy "poof" gone! I think poof has a gay meaning for my English readers, ha! Anyway I guess I should join a gym, blah. I sometimes think I should take before and after shots to see if any progress is made, but there is no way will I put them on here. Like I said this means I will have to work out. The truth is I don't want to but if I don't get my cute ass back again nobody is going to want to tap it!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Stepping Out Further

I woke up early Sunday with an uneasy feeling, as if I had a dentist appointment. Then I remembered it was the big gay meeting day. I rolled out of bed and said to myself "it is only for coffee, should not hurt" and then stumbled my way to the bathroom. Ahhh! A big pimple on my nose, very funny life, throw that at me as well, you must have been saving that one for twenty years, just like you always sent them to me the day before a high school dance. I was trying to stay calm, we were just supposed to have a short meeting but I had to wonder what if we have nothing to talk about and sit there in awkward silence. Even worse, what if I get nervous and totally run-off at the mouth, scaring the poor guy off forever. I get ready, he calls and we agree to meet at noon. I waited out front for him, I felt like a high school kid. He arrived and we went in.

Sitting down, I was scanning him big-time. I did the "does not sound gay, does not look gay" check on him, yeah I know that is wrong and "my bad" but it is a habit I have to break. He was very easy to talk to and I felt relaxed after a few minutes. He talked about his art as a hobby, how he used to be in the army, his family, work and I suddenly understood that he is one of those people that you meet but feel you have always known. We talked for quite some time, he excused himself to use the washroom and while waiting for his return, I realized that I did not care about sitting in a coffee shop with another gay man. I did not care who would walk in, who might see me there with him or would the people around me know we were a gay couple. It felt good, probably one of the few times in a person's life not caring was a good thing. I could not help but think "wow you have come a long way from the guy that would not even say the word gay out loud." Conversation flowed easy and time flew by, he said he had to run some errands and I told him that I did not want to hold him up. He asked me if I would like to take a short walk with him first, I of course said yes.

After we returned to our cars he showed me some of his paintings he had in the back seat. While looking at them he mentioned he was going alone to see a movie downtown after his errands and then asked if I did not mind the running around, would I like to join him. Big smile from me and I said yes. I got in his car and as we drove away, I remember thinking "I hope he is not psycho and I guess I could take him if I had to get away!" We arrived a little early and so walked around again. We did the typical gay thing and watched the French film, Un Secret with subtitles in english of course. The movie was good but sad, based on a true story of a Jewish family in France during WWII. Again the whole evening I never worried about who would see me with him, just two people enjoying each other's company. It was getting late so he drove me back to get my car, we shook hands, and said it was nice to meet each other. I told him not to be shy and call or email me anytime.

I don't know if a relationship will come out of this meeting but I do certainly know that I want him as a friend. He was interesting, very down to earth and seemed a cool headed small town boy but mostly though because we spent the day together without ever mentioning anything to do with our sexuality and as for making a friend, one who also happens to be gay like myself, that speaks volumes to me.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

The Reality of Us

Mostly this last week I have only talked about the mutual coming out between my friend Lyn and myself. We still have not gone to a bar yet, she is suddenly feeling nervous about it, I completely understand and will give her space, as her sister and I are the only ones she has told so far. I have not really mentioned that much about what else I have been up to. I had placed an ad on a local site for gay and lesbian people. I have met someone through the site, we have been emailing back and forth to each other and he seems really nice. I did not mention it that much because if he changed his mind on meeting then it would have been embarrassing to have to explain that here in this blog. We have exchanged pictures, he called me on Friday and we spoke on the phone for a while. Tomorrow (Sunday) I will go to meet him for the first time. I am a little tense, he will be the first gay man that I will meet who already also knows I am gay. Part of me thinks, wow I will actually get to meet a real live gay man, and part of me thinks, oh shit I am going to meet a gay man!

I am not sure where if any place I am going with this meeting. I did not want to put any pressure on my first meeting so I told him that I just needed a gay friend, someone to talk to. He said he is looking for a relationship but also friends. I said we can see where it goes and I am open to the idea of a relationship. However I told him that I don't feel ready for a relationship, if a person is ever actually ready or not, I think it just happens. I said it would not be fair for him to have to deal with my coming out issues. He told me that he is only out to close friends and some brothers and sisters. I feel a little more relaxed in that he is some what the same as I am with being out, low-key for now. He is a few years older, clean cut and not bad looking. Even if nothing comes of this, I hope to make a friend and open a door to other gay friends, more gay male friends that is, I am sure I must have hit my quota on lesbian friends.

There is part of me that does not want to meet him, part of me feels there is no reason to meet him, part of me feels that I am betraying one of the best friends I ever had (we'll call him John) and that is the reason for not wanting to meet the new guy, not out of fear but out of loyalty to someone far from me. I have mentioned before that I became close to another blogger, actually "close" is not a strong enough word for the bond between us. We can and do talk about everything, including this meeting tomorrow. I always tell John everything so that I can be as honest as possible with him. John knows that I would rather be meeting him but we both understand at this point in our lives, us being together is impossible, he said we have to accept the reality of us and I agreed, I have given up enough of my life already that I don't want a relationship where I only see him a few times a year at the most, that would be torture. As usual John was understanding and said something that really made me think. He said our goal when we became friends was to support and help each other to come out and lead the life we were suppose to lead. He said my happiness was the most important thing to him and that he supports me in this next step to living out of the closet. Now how can you not fall for a guy like that.

Thursday, December 6, 2007


One of the strange things I have to get comfortable with is finding guys attractive, when I look at a man with his shirt off and think "sooo hot" I always immediately feel guilty and turn away. I feel like I should apologize or I have done something wrong. It is still ingrained into my head that guys just should not be looking at guys. Even here in blog land, since all of you seem to be really hot so far, when I make the comment that one of my fellow blog writers or a reader is good looking, there is still that slight fear that they will write back and ask "what is wrong with you, are you queer?" It feels funny when I am with a friend who knows that I am gay and they ask while watching a movie, "do you think he is hot?" I always am startled by that and instinctively want to say "how should I know?" There is slight pleasure in being able to say yes I do or no I don't. It feels great not to always be guarded, the other night while on the phone with my friend Lyn, she mentioned about a past boyfriend of hers and how she felt confused over not being attracted to him, even though he was really good looking. Without thinking I made the passing comment "oh yes Mike was really good looking, he was hot" there was silence for a second and we both burst out laughing, she said it sounded so strange to hear me say that and she will have to get use to it.

The truth is that when it turns sunny and warm here, I am in total anticipation because the guys especially more so than the women, want to show how tough they are by stripping down. When I walk out in the late spring morning and it is getting sunny and hot, I smile a little because I know the shirts will come off and the pants will be changed to shorts. It is even strange for me to discuss guys with other blog writers. It feels funny especially when discussing it with bloggers who don't really blog about being gay. I have to keep telling myself, it is okay he has the same feelings, he understands, the same attractions are there. It felt really good one afternoon to email back and forth with a blog friend about what we see attractive in a man, favorite male body parts, the type of guy we like and he sent me pictures of a man he finds attractive. It was good to feel like I have joined the club and able to have this talk. The kind of talk straight guys do about girls all the time, now however I was really a part of the conversation, and not just playing the part of a straight man with no real interest in the conversation like I once did. Still there was a feeling like a nun was going to burst into the room at any moment and ask me what I was doing.

I tend to stay away from sex and sexuality on this blog as it is more about my coming out process. I also wanted to be a little decent and respectable in the eyes of my readers because that is part of who I am. Thinking it over however my sexuality is also part of who I am and I want to explore it and celebrate it. I do not have any brothers, I grew up in the country and I never played on a sports team so it worked out that I never saw another guy's penis until I was twenty four. It still holds an electric charge and a bit of wonder when I do see another man's penis, whether in a picture or a live person. As if I am allowed to share something intimate with him, a type of vulnerability that lets me see him exposed and not just physically. Also at the same time a taboo that I am not suppose to break, an unwritten code between men, we are not suppose to look. However I am gay, not only can I look but if we were to become sexual, his penis would be my main focus. Here comes the warning section to this blog, I am going to put links to sites that I enjoy looking at so if you are offended by gay sex or nudity do NOT click on them! If you are under age don't you dare or I will track down your mother and tell her!

Okay here it goes, things that Steven likes, straight men or gay men acting like straight men being homo-erotic. I don't know if this is true, but you just have to see this! Maybe Jess or one of the blog writers from England, do you know if this is a true documentary about a rugby team? So hot! Then there are guy's bums or buns, I just love me some buns! If you have not looked at Jon's site check it out! He has great man bum down the side of his blog, caution if you scroll down to the bottom you will see guys that are half donkey and you can guess which part of them is donkey! One day I stumbled onto this artistic site and liked the different choice of models he sometimes uses, not the usual under twenty, shaved guys. There are many other blogs and sites that are good also so don't feel left out. If you have a favorite and want to put a link in the comment area feel free, this is gay guy talk and we can share, like a gay locker room! No girls allowed, well unless they also know of a good site!

Update, it seems the rugby clip has been removed, too bad really, it showed a team that was really bonded and when they had a lot to drink went really wild and would do all sorts of crazy homo-erotic things to get women's attention. It looked very real like a documentary and not acted like a porn film. To bad I wanted to share it with you guys.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Can Everyone Agree Not To Be Alone

The last few days felt great, I did not post because there are a number of things rolling around in my head at the moment and it is hard to pick one, put it down and not make this post appear jumbled. Well here comes jumbled, sorry I will probably jump around here so try to keep up. The last few days have been spent talking with my friend who came out to me. Mostly making plans, we did not actually go to a gay bar. The reason was since we did not get home until almost three, we were drained the next day, most people over 30 will understand this. We were going to go the following day but the area is suddenly gripped by wicked snow and ice storms so we decided to wait.

Last week through the wonder of You Tube, I found a cool video of a song I like by the band Filter, called Take A Picture (click on link to hear the song if you want), they are not gay but many lines of this song speak to me, "I feel like a new born" for example but the lines I like the best are "could everyone agree that no one should be left alone" and "could everyone agree that they should not be left alone". I really believe that, no one should be alone, whether it is a relationship with man-woman, man-man, woman-woman or trans-man/woman, as long as everyone has someone to love and love them in return, the thought of any of my friends in the real world or blog-land alone makes me sad, and that includes myself. My friend Lyn is now in the same place that I am coming out of, she is wondering why she hid for so long and is mad at society for making her feel like she had to hide and now has missed a part of her youth that she can never reclaim. Why can't people just agree that no one should be left alone. If they have a problem with gay people then just stay away but don't interfere with our lives. I really believe when people say they are trying to help us by changing us or pressuring us into false marriages, it is just to get us out of their sight. They don't want to have to deal with anything that is a little more complicated than the usual, most people are afraid of seeing outside the box, yes that phrase is used all the time now but their idea of outside the box is very ironically still inside the box!

We both wonder why we were so afraid to come out, I felt more ashamed than afraid. We both have to work through this and it will help to have each other. The strange thing is we knew that we could trust each other but still hid from one another. There were also some mutual friends that we could have told but for both of us we were only obsessed with hiding. She had gay friends while I had lesbian friends and yet we never told them, in fact we were a little afraid of them. I joked with her that we can swap friends, she had a good laugh at the story of me in a house full of women and said I should have taken her along. I told her that was the real reason I did not like the gay couple, I see it now, it was because I was afraid their gay-dar would go off and point towards me. The whole pointless thing to this hiding is that most of our family and friends were already sure and loved us anyways. Once you hit thirty and have never dated or were even interested in a relationship, people will suspect.

Lyn has been filling me in on some interesting updates about people. One of note was a younger friend of mine, I said to her that I know he will have a bad reaction when he hears I am gay as he had a bad reaction to another friend of his. She laughed and said don't worry that he changed his attitude so much that he was the best man at his friend's gay wedding. She also told me something that made me a little sad, a guy that I knew and was friendly with but passed away at a young age, may have been bisexual. I felt sad that we could have become friends and it would have been great to have a good guy like him as someone to talk to, now I will never have the chance to know.

It is hard to say much now as everything is in process of who else we tell what we are going to do etc. I have also met someone through my ad that I placed, I don't really want to say much now until I see where this goes, no point in building up a story that is not really there. A lot to think about. I just hope it stops snowing enough to let me go and be gay, because I agree with the song, I don't want to be left alone.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Life Assembles

Life assembles sometimes like a puzzle, piece by piece which at first, looks like a mess to the person trying to fit everything together. Until you get that lucky break, that right piece that lets you see the picture that is beginning to form before your eyes. Finally you feel that there is an end in sight.

I have returned from my Christmas party and I did have a blast but it certainly did not turn out like I thought, it had an even stranger twist to it that was unexpected. My friend Lyn came and picked me up, I had it all planned out on how I was going to tell her. I was going to say something like, am I suppose to be her boyfriend at this party, I knew Lyn would be embarrassed and say no. I was then going to say that she was missing the one thing I look for in a date, a penis. Lyn has a few gay male friends so I knew it would be okay with her. I could see doing it and writing it here for a good laugh. However it went more like something I would read in my buddy K's blog I have to admit it. We were on the way there and I asked the question "am I suppose to be your boyfriend" she laughed and liked I planned became embarrassed, Lyn said no she told everyone we were just friends, I was about to set her up for my penis punch line when she added, "um I am not really attracted to any guys, mostly just girls." Huh? Wha? What? Me totally stunned for a few seconds asked if she was joking. She said no, no joke, that she was attracted to women. We did the 'are you kidding', 'no I'm not kidding' routine for a few seconds. She said that she considers herself bisexual, but is mainly attracted to woman. She said that she was finally learning to accept it.

I told her I am behind her and then started to laugh. I said "this is so funny because I was just about to tell you that I am gay" she looked at me shocked and we went back into the "are you kidding me', 'no I'm not kidding you', 'are you serious', 'yes I'm serious" routine. I said this is so awesome! I can't believe what she said next! She told me that she wants to go to a gay bar, but does not want to go alone and then asked me if I would go with her. I almost screamed with joy. I told her that I have been wanting to go for a while now and was looking for someone to go with me. I know of a really nice gay bar that caters to both lesbians and gay men equally, it is quite popular. I am trying to get her to go this evening, woohoo! Now on to the party and more crazy shh.... stuff that I could not believe.

I told Lyn that I wanted to tell her sister, who is also a good friend of mine and would be at the party. She told me that even though her sister is cool with gay people, she was having trouble over the fact that Lyn likes women. I said maybe I won't tell her then. She hit me with this. She said for me not to worry, that her sister thought I was gay, was waiting for me to tell her and did not care. She said the gay guys at the party also do not know she is bisexual, even though they are close friends of Lyn. I said I would stay quiet then so as not to make Lyn feel uncomfortable.

The food was great, conversation was wicked, I had a bit of a buzz, and the gay guys were at their finest. It is what I suspected, that I was uncomfortable around them before, because of what I was trying to hide and of what they represented for me. They were hilarious, the life of the party, really sweet and I think maybe they received the signals I kept sending them. They said they may have a party and wanted me and Lyn to go if they do. I would so go in a second! There were straight couples there I did not know, but I felt comfortable because they were very loving towards the gay couple, both women and the straight men. I wanted to come out to more people but held back because of Lyn as she did not want to talk about it at the party. The final to cap off the night was the conversation between the two straightest guys there. One guy said that the gay couple are great guys and he really liked being friends with them, that they could joke around about anything. The other guy is Lyn's brother in-law and also my friend. I was worried how he would take it if I told him, that is until he was telling us about the gay wedding he went to, where his friend a trucker (who looks like Ben Affleck), married a transvestite. Huh? Wha? What? He went on to say how the trucker and him had been friends for years and everyone deserves to be happy. I kept thinking I must be dreaming, when did I fall into such a gay positive world as this, pinch me. I am too excited to sleep! It gets even better but enough for now.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

In Gay-land News

I am trying to do more regarding being gay than just the blog world and telling straight friends. Blog land has been great, I met a lot of people who have really helped me feel comfortable about myself, this gave me that push to start to come out to my friends. I know it is not enough, it is like living in a gay storybook sometimes, I read about gay life, become interested in the characters but in the end I am still alone. I have met some really great people through my blog, for those of you that have wanted to chat, my apologies for not accepting your offer, please don't take it personally but for some reason I hate chatting. I find it cumbersome, I feel I can't get my thoughts out properly or fast enough, I feel a slight disconnect and I am uncomfortable without my spell-check. Really I'm also too lazy to enjoy all that typing. The only thing I use is Google talk, so easy, down load it in a split second put on your headset and your ready! If you have Gmail and a headset you are good to go. Also I feel if I spend a lot of time on the computer with cyber friends, that discourages me from meeting real world friends.

I need to have gay people around me, just to have that brotherhood feeling, someone who would understand if I said during a movie "Matt Damon is cute" and they would node their head or disagree but both ideas would come from the same place as my statement came from. Last week I put my profile on a local site that serves the GLBT community (does that not sound like a hamburger, better hold the mayo). I made it clear I was looking for friends and not a hook-up. After a day I received a response from someone who was interested, we had a lot in common, he just wanted to meet as a friend as well. I was so excited, my hands were shaking I was thinking, finally I was going to meet another gay man, maybe have a gay friend. I emailed back and said I was interested in meeting and getting to know him. That was last weekend, he never replied back. I don't understand what gay men want, why contact me in the first place. Why do gay men walk around like lost souls, saying they are lonely, that the culture is shallow but when someone extends their hand in friendship, you get a cold shoulder. This is my second attempt, the first one no one responded but to be honest I later realized it was a place for mostly hook-ups. I am starting to get the feeling that in each city the only thoughtful good gay guys are the ones that start up a blog and that is why blog-land has so many sweet guys. I will give this more time, there must be a gay guy in this city that would like to have a loyal friend.

On the thought that karma will keep coming around on a person, I find myself in a funny situation. I actually don't believe in karma, I just use it as a saying. I do believe God puts people in situations for a reason, no matter how big or small. I will be going on a date to a Christmas party this Friday, it is however with a girl, she did not want to go alone so I am rescuing her. The strange thing is that at this party there will be close friends who I wanted to tell next, they will all be in the same room I can do it all in one shot! The even stranger thing is that there will be a gay couple attending also. It is the couple that I have mentioned before that I knew of, who make me feel very uncomfortable. Of all the gay men in this city to be stuck in a room with, it would have to be them. I guess this will be my test, all the high ideals I have been spouting here, lets see if I am as comfortable as I pretend to be on this blog. I have to be open minded about this, it has been almost ten years since my last exposure to them and I am sure they must have grown since then. I found them a bit over the top and dramatic before but I was also a major closet case. In fairness to them, they are a couple that have been together for almost sixteen years, and I am told this is like eighty three in straight years (actually I hate it when people say that). I also know of twice where they really came through for their friends with helping them get jobs while down on their luck. I hope I see them in a new light, maybe we will become good friends, this is crazy who knows and I give up on fighting this, I will take it that if life has placed me in this situation I will run with it, I mean like maybe get lush-ed up enough to come out to everyone at this party, the thought at the moment does not scare me, it makes me laugh. Probably that night I will be scared sh**less, I may have to wear diapers, depends.

Monday, November 26, 2007

My Collection

My mother once remarked to me regarding some of my friends, that I had the strangest collection of eccentric and odd ball friends that she ever saw. Actually she is correct, I often say that I could never have a party with all my friends in one room. The thing is not only would they not get along, some may end up heatedly arguing each other. I was taken aback a little by Mom's statement, she asked me "why is that?" I never really thought of it before, however it was easy for me to come up with the answer. Some people just don't fit in with society, they drum to their own beat and in the rush of life most people will not take the time to get to know them. I tend to live by the motto, life is rough enough, so the more people you have on your side the better.

I like people who have a bit of character to them, hidden levels to their personality if you will. I like to be surprised by people, like the brick layer who reads sci-fi novels on his break, or a strict by the book boss who on weekends makes stained glass windows, and the tough construction worker buddy who visits art galleries and museums on his time off. I just find these people more interesting because they are not predictable. Honestly I have also learned you can trust a person who is willing to stand out from the crowd and say they don't have the same taste as everyone else, as opposed to a person who tries to conform to any and everything. I also found that they "get life" meaning it is not always about the faster car or bigger house.

It is also obvious as to why I learned not to judge someone for sticking out a little from the rest. I knew that it would be hypocritical for me not to empathize with people who did not fit in to society. Often they saw the same thing for gay people as well, before I started to come out, it was often my off-beat friends that supported gay marriage and understood we are like everyone else, just with a different sexuality.

What has me thinking this way is something I saw on TV last night. I don't watch a lot of TV but this year I have been following "The Amazing Race" for the first time ever. One of the couples really stands out as the odd ball couple. They are Goths, they look like people dressed up as black and pink vampires. Most people watching the show ridicule this team, based only on their looks I would assume because they are actually good competitors. The last two episodes had the teams in Africa, and the surrounding area was consumed by absolute poverty. As the teams came to the end of their challenges, most complained how hard they found them, about the other teams, one woman even had a fit that the first place team did not let them come in first this week, I am not sure what part of competition she does not understand. The thing that struck me was the Goth couple was very aware of the people around them. The woman sobbed because she became over whelmed by the conditions in which people had to live but mostly by the fact that even in this poverty everyone was still friendly, open and seemed happy. Interesting how the more "normal" couples were oblivious to the suffering going on around them while the "freaks" were the ones who expressed compassion and empathy. It makes me understand now why a young person would color their hair pink, dress like a vampire and say, I am not part of this society.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Six Degrees To Steven's Bacon Exposed

I live in a small city, I came from the country near an even smaller township. The problem with that is I have a huge family, our neighbors all had large families and when children and grandchildren get older, they move to this city for work. That makes me think of the game "six degrees to Kevin Bacon", you know the game where you try to figure how close actors are to knowing Kevin Bacon by who he has worked with. Only with me I think the game should be called two or three degrees to Steven because that is how close everyone seems to be to knowing my family. I have around forty first cousins, (Irish Catholics) yes I said forty! So you can imagine if you add in there, second and third cousins plus all the husbands and wives. I can even be in a strange city, partly lost and one of them will appear in front of me. Trust me it is a full time job to keep from being discovered.

This has come up again with a vengeance, it has to do with meeting my friend last week. Of course I did not tell him, the last time we saw each other was in our teens and at that time he was very homophobic, to be fair to him so was I, or at least pretended to be. He made it clear to me that he would like to resume our friendship. When I mentioned some of our other childhood friends he told me that he recently bumped into some of them as well. One guy he meets with every week and the other monthly. They have coffee, go to lunches and sometimes hang out. There is the comfort of familiarity and I could see quickly becoming friends again. However that will put me back into the position of having close friends who do not know that I am gay. Feeling tire of hiding and pretending was the reason I came out to my close friends. That has been dealt with and I no longer have to worry about slip ups with the exception of Elly. I am not looking forward to being put back into that situation.

There is the uneasiness that my friend has some ties to my home town but the real trouble is one of the other guys has almost the same large family ties back home. Even if they accept me there is always that chance for a slip-up and I'm not ready to deal with my parents, if ever. Any one from a small town knows how uneventful life is there, so every bit of news is spread quickly and in the haste to pass it around, it gets pulled and stretched a little. The last big event there that just happened is Fern's cow was found dead by the feeder (I'm not joking), she was fifteen however so a good life for a cow, now imagine if the hot wire got a hold of the news that Fern's, neighbor's son is gay! Talk about a gossip feeding frenzy, I would be OK but I would not want a wave of ignorance to come my parent's way. I will have to wait and see just how open minded they have become before saying a word. Maybe he even suspects, he asked if I was married and when I said no I am still single, he suddenly looked at me like if he just realized something. I quickly changed the topic and he jumped into the new subject right away, maybe to save me from the awkwardness. Usually with other people, I find this the beginning of a flood of questions and they will not let it go. When we were leaving he made the comment that he can't stand any kind of bigotry and won't put up with it. I kept wondering if he was trying to make me feel comfortable and let me know it was OK to tell him or was he just trying to come off as a cool guy.

The more I come out, the more complicated it seems to become. I almost feel there is a no win situation here, become friends only to be rejected, to be outed or do I decide not to take up his offer to start the friendship over. It kind of also is not fair to him, as he is smart enough to figure out that he would be getting the cold shoulder after extending his hand in friendship. He would realize it and not understand why.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Wounds Of Youth, Run Deepest

A few weeks ago I happened to stumble upon the email address of an old school friend of mine. We met in grade two when he moved to our area and came to my school, there he quickly became the leader of our pack, a good friend and remained so until he left the rest of us behind in grade ten. I missed him greatly although at that time in a teen boys life, you would never admit such a thing. For kids in the country, through the years children grew up together so school friends were almost like family, if one moved away it was a loss to the others. I contacted him and he was happy to hear from me, he moved close to where I live and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch, I was excited to meet him again. After he had left when we were young, we had spoken sporadically on the phone and actually met up a few times but we lost contact and the years quickly added up, slipped by and now it would be almost twenty years. I was wondering what he would be like, after all this time he would be a stranger. It suddenly dawned on me that he like myself, is a man I would be meeting him as an adult for the first time in my life.

At the restaurant I felt nervous, I needed a bud with me, a Budweiser that is, to help calm the awkward feeling I had. Remember this is out of character for me to contact someone out of the blue, however this last year has me doing a lot of things that make me uncomfortable and part of me enjoys it. He showed up, I was able to recognize him immediately there was still a phantom of the boy that I once knew. As he approached I saw how time betrayed his handsome good looks, deep lines told of his love for the outdoors and gray was starting to invade his blond hair, still he could hold his own. We shook hands and in seconds I could tell that the good hearted guy that I knew was still in there. Conversation was easy and soon flowed like time had never come between us. We did the usual, past jobs, are you married, any kids etc. He is married but does not want children and did not press me when I said I was still single. Lunch flew by and he said he had to leave, we went out to the parking lot and as we began to say good bye and move to our cars, things suddenly opened up.

He brought up the names of older boys that were bullies who tormented me, the kind that made me not want to go to school, hate myself, feel humiliated. What shocked me was the stories he told me of how they also tormented him as well, that there were also days he did not want to go to school. I never saw it from that perspective, I always thought he was cool and things like that did not bother him. Thinking on it, maybe even worse for him. With me I just took the beating to get it over with, as for him, even though he was younger than them, he showed resistance which would anger a bully more, the sad thing was they out numbered us, most of our class was girls. I thought how odd, here we are grown men, wounded still by things that happened when we were kids and young teens. We needed closure even after all this time, we spoke of the humiliation they forced on us, the violent things they did to us and the years we both spent thinking of equally violent revenge on them.

He then told me something that made me feel good inside and wiped away most of the bad memories. One day years ago, he heard a man shout to him, as he turned he could see a guy running up to him. He could see that it was Nick, one of the main tormentors for both him and I. Not sure as what to expect he was ready for anything. As he approached my friend, Nick gave a friendly greeting as if happy to see my friend. He went on to say that he was really glad to see my friend because he wanted to apologize for the way he treated him, he said he felt really bad about the way he was so mean during school and often thought and regretted it for years. He told my friend he did not deserve to be tormented like that and Nick was not sure why he acted that way but was embarrassed by it now. My friend told me that as Nick was saying this, it was like a plug was pulled out and all the hatred and resentment towards Nick flowed out, closure.

I left thinking this over, I love hearing personal growth stories, especially about people who you think will never grow. It also left me with the thought that while growing up, making our way through our teen years, we were hurting so much, feeling so alone, awkward and acting so tough, that we never noticed the hurt in each other.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Note To Self

Note to self, I'm angry with you! Sometimes when reading articles or other blogs I run across the term self forgiveness, or even self apology. When thinking on these terms, especially regarding being gay and coming out, I feel I owe myself a huge apology, the strange thing is at the moment I can't accept the apology. I have a lot of anger inside regarding how I have acted in the last ten years. I can forgive the younger years, times were harder for gay people then, I was a scared confused gay kid, however I managed to start a relationship during those times so why shut down later. Part of me wants to ask myself, why the anger and that is when the gates open.

I want to yell at myself, I want to ask, when did I feel it was alright to step out of life. When did I get complacent about finding a relationship. Why did I choose to hide. I want to tell myself I should be ashamed for taking the easy road, avoiding conflict at all cost but the cost turned out to be high. Ashamed also for taking the easy road out of shear laziness of not wanting to put the effort into being gay and some of the conflicts that would come with it. Why did I worry what everyone else wanted, instead of what I needed for myself to have a fulfilled life. Why did I lie about my life to please others, to pretend to be part of their world. That is the truth of it, their world, not mine. I was to co-exist with them but in my own social world.

I used to tell myself that I would date a guy if he asked me out, but if I never put myself out there, if I never made the effort, how was anyone suppose to find me. It was not up to someone else to come and rescue me, it was up to me to go out and look for him. I need to say sorry for letting myself go, part of my excuse to not attract men, for never going out and only moving through the straight world, even still! For giving up even before trying.

How could I have been so stupid to let my youth pass me by, to miss the opportunities and experiences that life has to offer only a young person. To place myself in a position where most of the good men that want to settle down are already taken, leaving me to choose from men that have become jaded over time from being exposed to the gay culture too much. Men also that want a relationship but don't want to work towards one, it is now all their way or no way. Why did I not come out to the people who I knew would accept me. Why did I not come out to people who revealed their secret to me. I don't like that answer but I know what the truth is. There is a dark side to my personality, that is I like having power over people. Telling people I'm gay gives my power away and maybe even gives them a weapon. Knowing someone else's secret, makes me feel trusted but also gives power to me. In being too tight with the control over my life, I let it slip away. Note to self, of all the people who should have been looking out for me, you betrayed me the most!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Out on a ledge

If you were to ask my friends to describe me, they would tell you I am a very low key person. Actually quite shy with new people, which makes it hard for me to meet with people for the first time. Even some of you that I email back and forth with, if faced with actually meeting you, I would be in a little bit of panic mode. The spotlight is a place that holds no appeal, there lies the problem with coming out. I often wonder how far out will be out enough. How do I handle life as a gay person, who do I tell and who do I not tell. Part of me only wants my close friends to know, being a very private person, I feel only they have earned my trust and in doing so they have a right to know the true me. My close friends are the ones that may try to fix me up so to avoid any embarrassing situations I want them to know.

On the other side of the coin, I have grown tired of the game, the one where people ask me twenty questions and I try to make up as many answers without lying by using half truths or withholding personal information that would raise more questions. Why are you not married? Do you have a girl friend? Any kids? Why not? When was the last time you were on a date? What was the name of your Last girl friend? What type of woman is your type? Don't you want a family? Do you want to be old and alone? Do you know the older you get the harder it is to find someone? Want to meet my cousin? My friend cries all the time but is really nice, want to meet her? My cousin has a huge weight problem and a bad temper, at your age you can't be too picky Steven, want to meet her? Do you like being alone? Some days I just want to wear a shirt that says in big bright letters "I suck c***, now f*** off!" Well actually I don't but here is to hoping! So bad, sorry!

I am not sure how to go about it, should I say nothing but when someone asks about a wife and kids do I just drop it that I'm gay. What about work, part of me would not want my work place to know my personal business but then part of me thinks once I am in a new place, wait until I am firmly established and then let people know. For now while single I don't think it is a big deal but once in a relationship with a boyfriend, I would have the feeling of not being true to him if I were to hide our relationship. I always say also, don't want to end up being in a bad seventies sitcom where I am running around trying to hide things that make us look gay if someone calls and says they are coming over. I think of taking the stance of keeping it to myself, however if someone starts to push for information then they better be prepared for my answer. Sometimes maybe I over think situations, I am reminded of a woman who use to visit my past work place from a different site. She was lesbian, in a relationship and not a bit reserved in talking about it. She did not hold it out there like a red flag, just casually mentioned her girlfriend from time to time in conversations, exactly like a straight person would mention their wife. The people who were most bigoted towards gays and lesbians never said one word to her. Like most cowards they would back down from someone who would confront them. Preferring to wait until she was out of the room to begin slinging the arrows. It was easier for them when in a group and out of her ear shot. Sometimes I feel weak for not saying anything and other times I feel I did the right thing and need to pick my battles.

To the gay men or women out there living in a relationship or people who are out, I wonder to what level do you take being out. Is it good enough to just let friends know. Do you sort of just let new friends and neighbors figure it out for themselves. What is the balance between being true to yourself and being cautious. Like I always say, it is important for me to live as Steven and as a side note, I just happen to be gay. Maybe I can't do that, maybe I can't separate the two, Steven and gay Steven. Sometimes I wonder if saying I want my being gay as only a side note to who I am, is really another way of me still saying I can't accept being gay. Maybe trying to not draw attention to my homosexuality is just another way of hiding it. So confusing coming out is sometimes or actually most times, I want to be out but I don't want to find that I have put myself out on a ledge.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Not This Again!

I'm sitting on my couch, you are the only one in the room that does not know, I love our friendship, you are like my little sister. I want to tell you, I want to say "Elly I'm gay" in fact I planed to tell you tonight but as I start the sentences that will lead me there, my heart begins to race out of control, I think it will break my ribs, I think I'm going to vomit. Why this again?

My closest friends and I decided to go out tonight, drink a little, have a really good meal and after since the restaurant is so close to me, come back to my place after, chat and have desert. The restaurant was loud, really loud so I was looking forward to having them come back here. I wanted to tell Elly tonight, she is one of the very few close friends that does not know yet. I was resolved to do it when she asked me "so Steve find the right woman yet?" Everyone looked at their plates and snickered, including me. This made her suspect something was up but could not guess what we were hiding. Since I almost never drink I was feeling brave from my beer. I thought however I would wait until we got back here, this way I would not have to yell out that I'm gay for the whole restaurant to hear.

While sitting together I began to tell her many times, I was not listening to the people around me and was only half in the conversations. My friends knew I wanted to tell her, they would give me openings and were supportive towards me but I just could not do it. Finally she said that she had to leave, I was frustrated with myself, I was thinking of blurting it out at the door but then I thought it would not give me time to explain myself to her and also the importance of keeping it quiet for now. That is my only fear with telling her, she is bad at keeping secrets and there are people that we both know who I dislike, I would not want them to have that personal bit of information. She said her goodbyes and left, I didn't tell her. I felt like crap after. I had thought I was getting braver with this, I don't know if it is because I have not told anyone for a while that I am gay or if it is the potential loss of control over who knows. I feel like I took a step back tonight, back into the closet, there was that awful feeling of trying to come out to someone, it was bad right in the pit of my stomach like when I first started to try and tell people. I wonder, will it always be like this.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Straights and Gays and Bisexuals Oh My!

The other night I was talking to my blog buddy (who's more than just a buddy to me) about the usual things regarding being gay. We are in the same boat and at the same point of just coming out so I like to share thoughts, confusions, turn ons, turn offs, etc. I was telling him about a piece I read where the article was saying with the younger people sexuality was becoming more fluid, (no pun was intended there I would guess), more fluid in that years ago you were either straight, gay or maybe bisexual. In fact it said both sides gay and straight each thought bisexual people were hiding their true sexuality. The article went on to say that with today's younger people the lines are blurred. Looks like the Kinsey scale may be more true than once thought. As people become more comfortable with sexuality they are more inclined to have sex with the person not the gender.

I brought this up to him because I wanted to confess something strange to him. Even though I know I am completely gay and not even the slightest bit bisexual, I still am curious as to what it would be like to have sex with a woman. I said that if I was really comfortable with a female friend and she was open minded sexually if the moment came up, I would. It then makes me wonder, since I am a gay man in a straight world, I have the freedom to express those thoughts. Society would see absolutely nothing wrong with me having sex with a woman, in fact maybe even encourage it. However the thing I wonder about is, if straight guys were given the same freedom about curiosity would they like to try just at least once with another guy. I know if asked a straight guy would snap right away and say no! I wonder in the privacy of their own thoughts if they think about it or has that just been burned out of their mind. For myself it is completely different as I was never taught that sex with women was wrong so to me it is not a taboo, it is just something I do not desire.

I forget most times that some of the men who read this blog are bisexual and some of the blogs I read are written by bisexual men, I think the ones that are exploring the homosexual side are really brave. I have written to some and told them I think they are being brave because honestly in my younger days, if I had one once of bisexuality I would have married the first woman I could get along with and hidden the homosexual side forever. Some told me that to deny that part was to deny themselves or who they are, true and I admire them for that decision. I am fascinated by bisexuality, in some ways I feel they are the lucky ones and I'm almost envious of them. Back to the fluidity of relationships, I was even reading where some gays and lesbians who are close friends have entered into relationships with each other. They were saying that since the lines are not as solid between the sexualities as before, if a gay man suddenly finds himself attracted to a woman, then why can he not start a relationship with her without worrying about what his label is.

I hear this as well with straight women, some have told me that they are straight but maybe at one point in their life they fell in love and dated another woman but found that they were only attracted to that one particular woman. What about straight men, I then wondered this out loud to my blog buddy, he reminded me of the college experimentation stories that we hear of. I never paid much attention to those stories, I really always assumed those guys were actually gay or bisexual and were not ready to admit it. Now I am wondering if I am wrong, maybe they were just straight guys that were comfortable enough with themselves to want to try a little play. Thinking back, both my friend and I began to remember stories of where some of our straight friends, who somehow just seem to know about us, began to get a little too close to us. I can remember, straight friends becoming a little too sexual in their horseplay with me, usually beer was a factor here. Now I just hate myself, because I was so busy trying not to be outed as gay, I did not notice the guys that thought I was, and then tried to get somewhere with it. I should have realized if they wanted to push the envelope, they probably did not care about me being gay in the first place. I used to think of it as being decent, now I think of it as missed opportunities. I should make it clear that these were people I knew well, cared about and trusted, they were not strangers.

My reality is however, me trying to find gay friends, then a boyfriend. The above are only thoughts, I would rather have someone to kiss good night to every evening before going to sleep, and not me sleeping with women or horny straight guys. I know the right would go nuts at the thought of people dating whoever, and would claim the end of humanity, however I don't think at the moment there is a shortage of humans. I think with the younger generation there is less pressure to stay inside the box and more encouragement to think/date outside the box. Some people are just totally straight and will only date the opposite sex and some people like me are totally gay and could only love a same sex person, but imagine a world where people just went out with whoever they fell in love with, man or woman and no one judged and one cared as long as they were good to each other.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Have you learned nothing?

Growing up gay did often make me feel isolated, in the early days gays just never heard of famous people coming out, in fact it was the kiss of death for a career if that were to happen. Things began to open up and more and more people in the public eye began to come forward and I think it was and still is, very brave of these people and I really appreciate it. When younger it did help to hear that certain singers, actors, politicians were gay also, led normal lives and had loving relationships. There was however a mean streak also in the gay community, one that wanted to out everyone whether they were ready or not. This I hated because I used to think what if I were in that person's shoes. Lately though I am coming across something even worse, where rumours are started about straight people and will not stop even when proven otherwise. I saw story titles this weekend about a gay hockey player, since I'm Canadian and think hockey players are hot, I decided to check it out. The lead ins would have you believe you were about to view pictures of a gay hockey player caught french kissing his boyfriend. However what you find are two young straight guys about nineteen, who had been out to a bar and were just buddies fooling around. The picture (yes only one) was staged, the guys were not even touching, they were just pretending to touch tongues. Straight guys do that sort of thing all the time and trust me I have seen much more erotic things between straight guys than that. I am not going to mention the hockey player's name because I don't want to add to this. He was upset enough to ask to be interviewed about this where he flatly said that he is not gay, to me that is a straight guy answer, gay guys always say things like, "I don't like labels". This should have been enough but the hinting continues.

This angers me on many different levels. First why would we attack someone like this, explain the benefit we would get from it. What would be a faster way to start turning straight guys against us than sexually harassing them and insisting they are gay when they clearly show us they are not. Honestly even if they were gay, it should be case closed if they say no and are not harming the gay community, if they are not ready to come out we should show compassion for them. I just want to make it clear that I have a different answer for someone that is being hypocritical by preventing gays and lesbians from basic rights or making money from homophobia, while having gay sex in parks and washrooms, my feeling is that when you fire upon the gay community, you had better be prepared for some retaliation. Don't we want to encourage our straight male friends to be more comfortable around each other and us as well. Will the next generation grow up being afraid of hugging their best friend lest they appear on the net as being lovers.

Mostly though even as I had trouble coming out, I don't need these kinds of lies to validate me as a gay person. It was nice to have people like Ellen, T.R. Night etc, come out but I don't need certain members of the gay community to make up stories to make me feel better about myself. I am not so weak that I need to falsely believe everyone is really gay and just will not admit it. If the person is handsome we can admire them from a distance whether straight or gay because really most of us don't have a chance to meet and be with them anyway. I always feel horrible when the person is trying to be positive towards the gay community when answering questions about their sexuality and the ones doing the questioning are hostile back, if they are not gay then it would not make sense for them to say yes they are, just so as not to hurt our feelings. Plus I think no one should have to talk about their sex lives if they don't want to, it does not affect how they play for our favorite team, how they sing on their next album or act in the next movie.

I do like to find out someone who I have enjoyed, either in the real world or entertainment world is gay. It does give me a feeling of belonging but I only like it when it is positive for that person, as with them finding a life love and they want to share the good news or they feel they want everyone to know the whole person. However when someone is outed cruelly or accused wrongly it leaves a sour feeling inside and I think of what most gay people have gone through to get here, it surprises and saddens me to see that some in the gay community have learned nothing.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Dream time Dad

Once a group of us had watched the movie Spanglish with Adam Sandler. After we (all guys) were discussing it, I said the thing I got from that movie was this. The little girl that played Sandler's daughter was not "Hollywood pretty" but she and her character had a spark that came through loud and clear. I said that I would be so proud to have a daughter like that, in fact I would prefer to have a child turn out like her than one that was really pretty but shallow and vain, she was bright, funny and had layers to her personality. The reaction was mixed, single guys with no children said no, that it would be better if she was pretty, that things would be easier for her, however the Dads in the group nodded their heads in agreement, they understood, love your child no matter what but it is more important in how they turn out as a person than what they look like.

Since I have known that I'm gay from a young age, I've always also known I will never be a Dad. This did make me a little sad from time to time but it never really hit me hard until one night after a dream I had. When I entered into my thirties I guess the 'Dad' clock decided to strike the time running out alarm to try to wake me up. It was one of those alternate life dreams where I was straight, it was so detailed and felt very real to me. I was in a grocery store getting stuff for supper, I knew in my dream I had a wife at home waiting on me to hurry and bring something to make. As I was getting chicken I heard a familiar little boy's voice behind me, "Daddy can I have this" when I turned around there was a little boy coming up to me with candies cupped in his hands. In the dream I instantly knew that this boy was my son, that his name was Colin, that he was four years old and also in that instant I never felt so much love for a person that I felt towards him. With that sudden wave of emotion I could feel myself begin to awaken, I did not want to leave, I did not want to go back to being the gay guy, I wanted to stay in this world, a straight man, a young Dad out getting groceries with his son. I felt myself slipping away so I said to my son, "come here Colin Daddy needs a hug" I held on tight to him, he said "whats wrong Dad" I told him nothing so as not to frighten him and whispered good bye as I woke up. When I was completely awake it hit me hard, sudden great sorrow at the loss of never having that dream come true. Strange as it sounds, I don't know any little boy named Colin that looked like him, me in another time or dimension, if you believe in that sort of thing, possibly, I don't know. I some times wonder if that was a way for my mind to say good-bye to a life that I will never lead.

I decided to just accept the fact that Fatherhood is not for me, put those feelings in a bottle and place them on a shelf somewhere in the back of my mind and move on, there is no use in dwelling on something that will not happen. I guess some of these feelings have stirred up a little again because I have started reading Cooper's Corridor. I don't know him, he doesn't know of me, we are not blog friends, I just like the beauty of his blog. The way he writes, how he sees the world and I admire him greatly for the huge step he has taken at his young age to be responsible for two little lives. Some days when I whine about being too chicken to get out and meet people, I read his blog and think how lucky I am that this is my only problem. Like with the movie Spanglish and that sweet little girl, even though Cooper's kids are cute as kittens, when I read his blog I keep thinking that if I had a son, I would hope he would turn out to be a person like Cooper himself. Through Cooper's blog I read Kevin's post of what some children go through and I realized how blessed I was growing up. My family is middle class, we did not have a lot of extras but I was so lucky in that I grew up in the big white house, my parents were always there for us, they were solid people that let us put down roots, I had a close extended family and even a dog named Lassie, what more could a kid ask for. I am a little surprised to hear that there are so many children that need help. I always was under the impression that there were line ups of people waiting to adopt, maybe that is just for babies.

Sad to think there are people who don't want gays adopting, I guess they feel it is better to have a straight junkie raising a child than a loving gay parent. The argument that the child will grow up gay is so pointless, most gay people were raised by straight people, the child will grow up more tolerant that is all. Maybe that is the fear, maybe some people are afraid of a sub group of young straight people who can see through certain lies. Maybe their fear is that the child would be less open to being brained washed, interesting if you think about it because we know how certain groups like to control people.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Conversations with Straight Guys

Once I heard of a study that was done on how different straight men reacted towards gay men. I am not sure if this is an actual study or one of those myths that gets started in the gay community. If true the results were as follows, guys that had gay male friends when tested showed no signs of being sexually attracted to men in any way. The thinking was that because they were sure and confident in their heterosexuality, they felt completely comfortable around gay men. On the opposite side, men that were convicted of gay bashing, and were asked to take part in the study as part of a lighter sentence, showed signs of sexual excitement towards other males, especially to wrestling or fighting scenes. The thinking was that these men had some levels of bisexuality maybe some even gay and they could not deal with it. We often have heard this, the man can not deal with his same sex attraction so to convince others around him he is not gay, he becomes the most violent person against them. I think there is probably a lot of truth to that and if not, well I think we should spread that around anyway, what a perfect revenge for us to have everyone thinking gay bashers just really want to smoke pole!

In coming out, so far it has been going well. To be honest with everyone, I keep saying over and over this is no run of good luck. I have been reading my friends for a while now and know who will take it alright and who to hold off on telling for now. I say this so as not to give someone a false sense of everything being rosie and have them expose themselves to a bad situation. Thinking of which straight guys to tell, I looked to the ones that seemed the most comfortable with themselves. As of now not many male friends know, mostly because I just never had the right moment to tell some of them but it is not out of fear of rejection. The only reason that I have told a lot of my women friends is because they dropped in so I had the chance to sit down with them and talk. Thinking of which guys to tell first, made me think of the funny, strange and down right kinky conversations that I have had with these guys, that shows me how comfortable they are with themselves. The following conversations were with 100% straight guys, some even married with kids, I know what you are thinking but trust me they are straight.

Guy #1 does not know I am gay, says "men have much nicer feet than women".
Me, asks "huh, wha, wha, what did you just say?"
Guy #1, "men have much more attractive feet than women, the shoes women wear make their toes curl, get pointy and gnarly".
Me, "uhm yeah OK what ever." He is right when I think about it, I am not a foot fetish person but I do notice guys who have nice feet and I do find it attractive, however the top view only, the bottom of a person's feet does nothing for me.

Guy #2 does not know I am gay, says "I always check other guys out in the gym shower."
Me, asks "What! Why?"
Guy #2 says, "hey I'm just being honest here, no big deal and you can't tell me that most other guys don't do that, I want to see how I compare to other men."
Me, laughs and asks, "so how do you measure up?"
Guy #2 "ooh those really tall guys over 6'1 are hung like donkeys!"
Me, laughing my ass off and also wishing I went to his gym.

Guy #3 says "I think you are gay Steven and I don't care if you are, but if I was gay also I would not pick you for a boyfriend."
Me, surprised asks, "why not?"
Guy #3 says "you are too picky and I would never feel comfortable in our home because you would get mad at me for being messy!"
Guy #4 who was also there says, "oh great he would pick me for a boyfriend because I'm messy!"
Guy #3 says "no way I would pick you for a boyfriend because you wear a size 12 shoe, so you are not coming near my backside with that thing!"
Me laughing so hard and thinking if they only knew!

Guy #5 does not know I am gay but suspects strongly and tells me constantly to trust him and come out to him. One day he says to me "I tried tasting myself."
Me, shocked asks, "Whoa! What? What do you mean?"
Guy #5 "I tasted myself one day while masturbating, I wanted to see what it tastes like for my girlfriend when she gives me head."
Me, stunned says "wow that is really open minded of you." I was really thinking that is pretty hot, plus for a straight friend to trust me enough to tell me that is kind of awesome as well.

Guy #6 knows I am gay, says while watching spiderman "do you think Tobey Maguire is cute?"
Me, answers "yes, very cute, I have a thing for him."
Guy #6 says "nah not me, I don't really think he is good looking but you know I could see you two together."
Me, smiles at how cool that conversation was with a straight friend.

This is one of the reasons I believe there is truth to the statement that guys who are OK with having gay friends are totally straight. They are comfortable with their sexuality and so do not need to hide their true feelings or prove anything to anyone. On a final thought to that, I remember once being at a wedding and a guy kept making loud anti-gay comments, they were directed towards one of the servers there who was almost certainly gay. Years later the same guy that was making the rude comments, came out to his friends and family, yep he was a closet case! Probably this is not the same with every anti-gay behaviour or situation that comes up but from now on when ever I see anyone that really struggles with and is hostile towards gays and lesbians, I will switch on my gaydar and scan more closely! This is because I will wonder what are they trying to hide by using hatred to divert attention away from themselves.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Writer's Block

The last few days I have a lot of emotions going through my head, sometimes I feel that I have nothing to say and then I feel I have too much to get down. When someone stops writing on their blog and I miss that blog, I have a bratty habit of writing to them and calling them a 'lazy blogger' to try and spark them to write. Today I am going to be a little lazy and send you guys over to Kendall's blog "the way I see it". He asked me to take part in his ten questions post that he has on Wednesdays, so this way I can be lazy and you can read my answers.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Not good enough?

When I first began to think about coming out, I always wondered and worried about the straight people in my life. How they would react, would they accept me. Arrogantly I assumed the gay community would think itself lucky to have me, wrong of me to think like that but I never worried about how I would be accepted there. I had this vision of a gay group coming to my door, a welcoming committee with gay contracts to sign and instructions on how to be gay, maybe even a list of all the gay people in my city. I mean how lucky they would feel that I was one of them! However that certainly did not turn out to be the case.

I never once thought that I would... well actually not be good enough to be gay! Yep, it is true, according to what I am reading, I am just not good enough for most gay people to be their friend. I was shocked, is this not the same minority that cries about tolerance, understanding and being non judgemental. I had put my name out on some local sites to try and find some friends. When I look around I just don't meet most of the requirements to be a gay friend.

First my age is a factor, once you get past 29, I think you are suppose to turn straight because you seem to hold no value in the gay community any longer. This may surprise some people but it is not my fault, I did not do anything wrong to become older, I did not want to get older it just happened one night, plus one night, plus one night, plus one night etc. To the guys in your 30s, 40s and 50s who say no one over 25 well enjoy your miserable loneliness, you deserve it. Next, I need to work out, yes I should have taken better care of myself and just for simple health reasons I should get into a routine, however we can't all be male models. I am not clear though, if you let yourself look like Shrek, why do you demand everyone around you look like Prince charming! I'm not six feet, my eyes are not blue, I'm really white like I just saw a ghost and I will never tan, so these undesirable qualities make it impossible for other gay guys to go to a movie, have a cup of coffee or just hang out with me. I guess it would kill their cool factor. I am not super butch or super jock either, just a regular guy, I don't think there is a sub-group in the gay culture for that one.

My pen is not for you to touch, it does not matter how big my pen is as long as I know the material on the exam! Yep sorry folks I am talking about the pen-is, penis. OK so if you say on your profile that you are looking for friends only, then why does it matter how long I am (or not long), come on I'm only a size 9 shoe, give me a break I am an 8 like everyone else, what do you want me to do, fall over or faint from loss of blood! Then comes cut or uncut, well you see in the straight world we only shook hands when first meeting a person, are you going to examine me or something? I need that gay hand book, there must be something missing from what I know about making friends. A lot of sites ask me to say whether I am a top or bottom, well when I'm up the ladder I am on top and when I go down the ladder I am at the bottom, end of story.

I am not upset by all of this because I will let you in on a little secret, if you judge my character as a friend on my hair color, height or my penis, I am not interested in meeting you either. I like people to have different levels to them, I like to be surprised by them as I get to know them better. I think being that shallow lets me see through the one level you have. I decided to pull my name from these sites and searched for a different route. I have mentioned before finding clubs in this city for gay people not into the bar scene, I have been finding more groups along these lines and they seem more open and accepting of everyone. I will start to make contact with certain groups and we will see how that goes. I have a better feeling about people who are in a club to meet or help others than a club where their only concern is to get themselves off.