Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Gay me.

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day and I was off work. I decided to walk through a field and as often happens when walking a thought occurred to me. I wondered how much of who I am is me because I'm gay and how much of who I am is "me" weather I turned out gay or not. How much of being gay affects who I am and I mean that in both the physical and mental aspects of the person I became. ............................................ There is a difference between gay men and straight men for the most part, I know many will not like or agree with my statement but I have noticed this long ago. It's not one thing it's more like a collection of things, it can sometimes be hard to pinpoint but there is a difference. ............................................. The reason this came into my head, I was having a failure moment. I have been on this farm six years now and never tried to run it. Instead I work in the city and rent the land. I sometimes think a "real" man would have given it a shot, not this half man, not this gay mouse. I over think everything, I fear every possible situation that could go wrong. ............................................ I wonder what I would be like if I was straight, how different would my personality be, or would it be different, I wonder. Even the physical part of who I am. My height is normal but I'm embarrassed by my size, I have the frame of a ten year old and I know being gay has something to do with that. Being this tiny Tim also affected my choice not to farm and not to take part in a lot of sports when younger. Being gay probably has something to do with almost every choice I have ever made and it's hard to explain but a lot of those choices were against what I really wanted, they were negative choices. ............................................. I don't want to make this a whining post, more like if an alien had been observing Steven growing up, it would have noticed that I was different from the other boys, how much was nature and how much was nurture. I don't want that anal probe thing that aliens do though, I'm actually more of a top so that would rub me the wrong way. I mean seriously they could just ask me what I had to eat and skip the whole procedure. ............................................ Sometimes I still feel like there are two of me, the "real" Steven, the guy I was suppose to be but was struck down by gay hormones, and the Steven I am today. I know this is not a healthy way to think because it is seeing myself as a damaged straight guy instead of a complete gay man. Still I have to wonder, how much of my personality is because I am gay and how much is because that's who I am.

2 comments:

Wayne said...

If you were straight, you'd probably be married with kids. That's what's expected of 'them'.
As far as your frame, that's completely genetic and has nothing to do with being gay. Look at Steve Jobs or Bill gates. They're straight and certainly not 'manly' men.
Then at the other end of the spectrum you have these very 'manly' gay athletes like Micheal Sam. So I suspect as gay becomes more accepted you'll see that straight men and gay men are a very varied group. You can be anything you strive to be. Gay or straight.
Merry Christmas Steven.

Wayne

Ur-spo said...

My advice is to stop thinking so much, laugh at the mystery of it all, and go get something lovely to eat.