Monday, October 30, 2017
I watched a scary movie last night, it was frightening....... by how utterly ridiculous the ending was. I started watching Paranormal Activity 3, it seemed a perfect Halloween fit for me. A late Saturday night and I am sitting all alone in a big old house that creaks, cracks and has doors that shut by themselves. I figured what better way to feel young again than to scare myself and watch a movie about a big house that creaks, cracks and has slamming doors. It started out good, leaving the haunting to your own mind which is the best way to get scared. Then things got really stupid towards the end, I don't know if that's jumping the shark, but who ever wrote that pathetic ending should have been thrown to the sharks. At the end of the movie instead of feeling scared, I felt ticked off for having wasted my time! ...........................................Speaking of Halloween, I happen to be listening to the radio in my car, they were discussing costumes. The politically correct police are at it again, trying to suck out every drop of fun in something. They were saying to be sure not to offend anyone with what you dress up as. For instance, schools are banning costumes regarding native people, you are not allowed to dress up as a so called Indian person, or any other type of indigenous peoples. It's considered cultural appropriation, I could see how it would be offensive and wouldn't let my imaginary children dress that way. Some schools are also banning any type of costume that could offend the LGBTQ community, like a leather man or drag queen type costume. I just don't see little kids dressing as a drag queen or leather man but maybe I am behind the times. Many schools and work places are banning cowboy costumes because of the way cowboys were shown in movies as killing native people. There are also places banning police costumes because it makes certain people uncomfortable, same as no soldier costumes because no one wants to glorify war. Listening to this it struck me, no cowboy, no Indian, no leather man, no police man and no soldier, oh for Pete's sake, they just banned the Village People!
Saturday, October 28, 2017
We have been having some really nice fall weather lately. Even when a bit crisp out the sky is blue, the sun is bright and it lifts the spirit. Doing some last minute yard work, I also noticed how quiet things have become. Very rare to hear a bird now and certainly not a cricket or tree toad. Even the sky has emptied out, two weeks ago it was a highway for flocks of geese, ducks and a large flock of cranes. The leaves are mostly off here as well, only a few stubborn yellow or brown ones left. Sometimes a flock of stragglers will fly over, it's always a funny feeling for me in the fall. As I listen and watch the geese fly over, I have this feeling that I should be going with them, that I am being left behind. "Wait for me" I whisper to them. I'm not sure if I want to get away from something or I want to go towards something. Almost every fall now I have this restless feeling, like winter is coming, nature is going to sleep, time to move on. Maybe because I am entering the fall stage of my life and I am dreading the winter stage. ............................................The air is so still this evening, I like that, you could hear a pin drop but instead you hear the last remaining leaves falling, like someone dropping cards onto the forest floor. The geese didn't take me with them, they move on, soon they are out of sight. There is a mass migration of Canadians, most head for Florida to winter, some day I will join the herd and end up on a national geographic documentary, a guy will follow me with a camera as I eat, sleep and hopefully mate along the way. As for now I will stay behind.
Thursday, October 26, 2017
I was at a friend's house, having a cup of tea and a slice of cake... because I never say no to cake. She was telling me about a wedding reception for an older cousin she had just attended. This man had lost his first wife about five years ago to cancer, he has three grown children. The man's youngest son is gay and may I add a very handsome young guy. My friend was saying the son was there with his partner and that the daughter was there with her partner also. I was so surprised, I didn't know the daughter is gay as well. My friend joked that there must be something in the water, then she went on to say it's nice that people don't think twice about gay couples. I never told this friend that I am gay, I have been trying to read her and her husband and thinking of a way to slip it in. I began to see my opportunity, I mentioned someone close to me that we both know who is also gay with a partner. She said that she already knew and how good it is that people no longer have to hide their relationships, that this generation is more accepting. I was relieved, she had a good attitude towards gay people and now I could finally tell her. No big deal, when she finished her sentence I would just casually say "and me as well" or something to that effect. All just very logical and straight forward (no pun intended), until "he" showed up. Yes emotional gay Steven saw his chance to appear, inside my head that is. Clapping his fingers together and building a flood of overwhelming "feelings" he went on and on about how he could reveal his true self to this friend plus release the chains of straight oppression, drama drama drama. This resulted in me nearly crying as I went to tell her that I am gay. I had to abort mission, I was really annoyed at myself, such a perfect opportunity ruined and for absolutely no reason, what the fluff! Now I will have to try another day when sensible Steven is in more control. Looks like coming out is still a big deal to me even after all this time. I think as well it may be because I have not really told anyone new for years. I just function between groups of people who know or don't know and if they sometimes cross over with each other, they can work it out. Ugh, I hate drama.
Sunday, October 22, 2017
Last night my neighbors invited me to go on a haunted walk with them. There is a lake side, bed and breakfast close to me and every fall they hold a haunted walk through trails in the forest. It was actually fun, I got to feel like a kid again. I was enjoying it in a detached, mature, adult way, until the guy with a chainsaw stepped out of the darkness and started the thing right beside me. Suddenly I was at the front of the group and don't remember how I got there. I joked with one of the owners later, if you find someone's heart in the bush, it's probably mine since it jumped out. ....................................... The other interesting thing that happened was the group I was with brought along some of my older cousins, they were up at their cottages for a last beautiful weekend of sunny weather. Some I haven't seen for a while. In their mid to late fifties, I felt a little sadness because time was winning the war against them. One of my cousins reminded me of my grandfather, his looks, the way he spoke and certainly that same sense of humour. I don't mean in an elderly way and it was also comforting as I miss my grandfather, but I can imagine now what my grandfather looked like in his fifties, shifting from the handsome young farmer to the role of grampa. For my cousins as well I felt a sadness, these guys were like gods to me, tall, handsome, popular, athletic but not jerks about it. Everything I wished I was, not some shy, awkward, clumsy, skinny kid. I remember once feeling very gay (lol), when between hockey games they stripped down to nothing but their long underwear, changing into dryer clothes in front of me. That site stayed in my head for a long time, also I insisted my mom buy me the same type of cotton long underwear since it was very cool looking long underwear, as cool as long underwear can be that is. I wanted to be like them. ............................................. Now here they were standing before me, I could see the elderly men they were about to become, I see my path as well, I think that is why I am more aware of people aging now. I no longer felt a sense of awe looking at them, I just saw some guys, they had lost the super powers I had assigned to them. The sense of time slipping away I have to admit, is probably the scariest feeling that I got from the haunted walk.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
What I am about to say here may offend some but that certainly isn't my intention. This gay thing...... just feels wrong to me. I don't mean being gay is wrong or bad, just for me it doesn't fit. It's like back in school when you were put on a team but all your friends have coincidentally been placed on the other team. I'm the square peg being hammered into the round hole. I just always wanted to be a husband and a dad, have my little house and live happily ever after. It just makes me really sad, this is what I have been given so I have to make the best of it. I was watching a story about a young gay hockey player, about how he came out, the reporter asked how he feels now, he said that he is much happier and then he had this cute grin and a spark in his eyes and said "I like being gay". I guess being a young gay hockey player would give you a lot of good experiences but that statement gave me a chill. At that moment I realized that I hate being gay, I know this may startle you guys but no point in lying, most of you seem to be thinkers so I am just being honest. I don't like being gay, I make due with being gay. Everything about it just makes me feel like I am going against the grain, there is still this hidden stress over it, not like it used to be but it's still there. I sometimes feel that it will cause me to die young. Sorry everyone, I just needed to say it.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
When I was in my late teens, I went to a mall one day and after a while I sat down to relax for a minute. Keep in mind that when I was 20, people thought I was 15 or 16, so you can probably guess how young I looked when I actually was 15 or 16. Long story short, a much much older man troll tried to get me to go with him, he even said something about a van outside. I was so frightened but I never told a person until I was in my thirties. The reason I didn't say anything was because typically young people blame themselves. Did I somehow let him know that I am gay, was I too friendly, did I send a wrong signal? I felt people would blame me for sure. ............................................. I was thinking about this because of the scandal happening in Hollywood, actresses coming forward with allegations of sexual assault. The thing that upset me is I heard a lot of comments regarding many of those actresses being famous now and they said nothing, also comments stating that they stayed silent so that they could advance their careers. Even some implying a form of prostitution. I can see some of these points but why is the blame going on these women, the talk of fault should only be mentioned while using the name of the person that did this. Mostly I feel upset because of something a female commentator said. She said that it's typical for society to blame the victim when it is a woman. I totally agree with her, how much power does some unknown 16 year old aspiring actress have. Then years later who wants the embarrassment, because even if they did come out, people would still be blaming them as they are now. Mostly to my point let's compare apples to apples, famous males who were sexually assaulted. There are now some retired hockey players who have come forward, some wrote books, I am sure that there are other guys in some of the other sports who are doing the same. They spoke about having to perform sex acts for coaches etc from a young age, they felt they had no choice, that their careers would be finished. I don't ever recall someone saying that they were like a prostitute, exchanging sex for career advancement. I don't remember anyone saying the only reason they are coming out now is because they are retired and it won't hurt their bottom line, I don't recall anyone saying they were cowards for waiting so long and that any young people harmed will partly be their fault. I certainly do recall the men who harmed them being viewed as sick monsters. I also read an article last summer that shocked me, it was about this very thing happening in the military and how guys were given the choice, have sex with the person above you or end your career. Do we judge those guys, no one said they should be stronger because they are a soldier. It is so wrong to judge these women, we don't know what we don't know, even worse, you are judging that frightened young girl from years ago.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Speaking of stats, I heard some funny ones last month. There were something like 30 or 35% of Canadians that didn't think they knew or had met a gay person. Another 45% felt that they probably haven't spoken to a gay person in the last two weeks. This made me laugh out loud for real, this was my favorite stat. I could understand if you lived up north where your neighbor is Morris the moose but anywhere else is pretty much infiltrated by the homo crowd. Even the small towns and farming community, once people knew they were safe, it was surprising how many people came out. I wonder how the guys I eat lunch with would have answered that, how funny if they put themselves in the 45% group. ............................................ With the younger generation it's a non issue, I often see groups of young straight people that have gay friends in the mix. I am overwhelmed at times when I hear them being protective of their gay buddies. It's the older generations that are still working through their beliefs about the LGBT community, even then it is not that bad, just more comical than anything. Time has jumped forward for us, our parent's generation is fading away, our grandparents are mostly gone. The flower children have moved into the senior role and they are a much more accepting generation. To my point, I was at an event and speaking with two acquaintances, a man and a woman, they are nice people and are in their late sixties. We were talking about getting information from a guy called Ron, then the man suddenly said "you know Ron is gay". I said that I already knew, the man went on to say he was shocked, that Ron certainly didn't fit the stereotype, but that he didn't care. It was kind of cute the way he was trying to be accepting, you could tell that he was still uncomfortable with the idea. The woman was the same, she said similar things, she doesn't judge, not her business, nothing really wrong with a gay couple but there was still that awkward acceptance. The thing that was making me laugh like crazy inside, was the part where they were saying that Ron doesn't look gay, that you neeeever know, that you could be talking to a gay person and not realize it! I said, "I know, it's crazy, there could be a gay person standing right in front of you and you would never know it"!
Thursday, October 5, 2017
I often comment that things are much better for the LGBT community in western countries and regarding acceptance that is mostly true. I read something a few days ago that made me feel sad for the gay community however. It seems the push for the gay community to be out and free is having negative consequences. There is a resistance towards being responsible and living a gay life. I witnessed this many times on the news when reporting on gay health issues. One evening they had on a man representing some gay men's group, he was livid with the reporter for suggesting that men having sex with strangers should use condoms. He informed the reporter that part of the gay culture was the excitement of having unprotected sex. Suggesting otherwise was being discriminatory towards gay men. Even now, many shows give the impression that HIV infection is just like getting a cold, take a couple of pills and everything will be fine in the morning. The stats that made me sad and were a little scary actually, were that young gay men no longer worry about getting infected, they said that if the infection rates amongst young guys stay on the same path as they are now, every second gay man in the U.S. will be infected with HIV by age 50! I will assume Canada will follow suit as I think our stats are the same. The other thing that got me was the age these stats now start, only 13 years old. How sad, boys 13, 14 and 15 already infected, kids really that are not ready for grown-up decisions. I think there is such a push on today to expose kids younger and younger to things of a sexual nature. I understand the idea of getting them to accept at a younger age their gay identity, I agree with that, it's probably a healthy thing to do but I think we better start saying there are negative aspects of entering into sexual relationships. It's ok to wait, there is plenty of time to be gay later, especially if you are only thirteen and it's certainly not bigoted to look out for the younger gay generation.