Friday, December 19, 2008

Closed For The Holidays

It seems that I may be bouncing between my place, my parents and Dave's for the next few days. In that case I better take this moment to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I may not be blog writing for a while and if so I did not want to miss out on wishing all the best to my blog buddies since a lot of you played key roles in helping me feel good about the whole being gay thing.

I also understand it is the beginning of Chanukah this weekend so I wish a Happy Chanukah to anyone who is celebrating it.

Okay just for fun, in keeping with yesterday, I think I just watched the worst Christmas movie EVER! I was sitting there stunned with how much of a tool this movies was. Drum roll please...brrrrrrr the worst Christmas movie ever on Steven's list has to be 'Bad Santa' with Billy Bob Thornton, well I guess never trust a movie with a guy named Billy Bob as the star, (actually I like him in other movies). I just sat there waiting for the movie to redeem itself but there was almost no point to it, I did not find it one bit funny either. I began to watch something else for about half an hour hoping the movie would pick up, however when I turned back to the movie, it was still really bad. The worse scene of all is a drunk Santa pissing his pants while little kids are coming to see him, sorry for the "p" word but that is how gross I felt when I saw that. Strange but I thought after Tim Allen did a bunch of Christmas movies it could not get worse, guess I was wrong. Now for the fun part, in 'your opinion' name a bad Christmas movie. One you thought was really awful or one that you are so sick of, you feel that you can't turn the channel fast enough.

As for happy thoughts, to me I just love to see The Charlie Brown Christmas cartoon, it always helps to put me in the Christmas mood. It makes me think of being a kid again in simpler times and transports me back to Christmases past. Anyway, you people enjoy your holidays, all the best and if not soon, then see you in the new year.! ;)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

That Time Of Year Again, Humbug.

The thing that I dislike about this time of year is, not the crowds, not the shopping, not all the ads, not the old movies on TV and not even the constant Christmas music playing everywhere. Nope the thing I dislike about this time of year is all the stupid pieces in news papers and on TV about how awful and stressful Christmas is. It has almost become a Christmas tradition on it's own to bash the holiday. There will always be an interview with some twit that can't handle the days to come, they just never show you the fact that this person could not even keep themselves organized at any time of year let alone on a holiday.

This year they started right after Halloween, about how stressed people get shopping, trying to find that perfect gift, about the heart burn or weight gain they suffer with from over eating. They whine about the lights and decorations while trying to out-do their neighbors. I say wake up and get some common sense, maybe step into the real world for a second. I think 'stress' would not apply to shopping but to the families where both partners lost their job and may lose the house. I think worrying about food is more for people in third world countries and they know what the true meaning of 'suffer' is. As for stressed by how your neighborhood is decked out for the holidays, ask people where the many wars are going on how they like the look of where they live at the moment. Yes it can be a bit of a pain but Christmas is what you make of it, just make it a meal with family and friends, have a few decorations like in the old days. I think past Christmases held more spirit than any mall-driven Christmas these days.

Then come the insulting stories, the ones to stir a little dust with the more devout people, the people who keep what Christmas is suppose to really mean. That Christmas is really a Pagan holiday borrowed by the early Christians, that Jesus was born in spring, that Mary was not a virgin, that she was forced to marry a much older man, that they could never have walked to Bethlehem, that there were many Jesus figures, that there never really was a Jesus. What is the point to these stories, only to upset and dampen a person's good mood or happiness. We have heard these all before over and over, there is nothing new here. To the people who keep doing it, who keep coming up with these lame stories...YOU BORE ME! It is similar to teen angst, where they want to appear cool by pretending to be annoyed by anything traditional and always focus on any negative part only. That gets old and it is old to me now, so do your frigging job as a reporter and get off your lazy ass and find a 'real' news story! Maybe then we would not get surprised by crooked politicians, drugs in our neighborhoods, people in real need who are falling through the cracks. As for Christmas, I am going to do what I always do, put some lights up, a few decorations, a great meal with family, exchange a few gifts and have a good time, but I guess that will never make the news.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Our Loss

Friday while doing dishes together, just for conversation, Dave and I began talking about people from our past who we later discovered were gay. We also talked about people that we suspect of being gay or bisexual and maybe are not ready to deal with their sexuality. It really is interesting how we think we are alone but once we step into our own little world, we find out that we were not so alone, just too mixed up at the time for us to band together. Dave had some interesting stories about some of his neighbors and school mates that were considered to be regular straight guys, who even dated girls but later finally admitted they were gay. It really shows in this day of being more open, that gay people are all over the board when it comes to types, some people you can tell right off the bat but others you will never guess.

It made me quietly think to myself about a guy who was killed a few years ago. I had met him when we were very young, we did not go to the same school but I did see him back and forth as I grew up. The first time I met him I think it was also my first real crush on another boy. Blond, tall for his age with blue eyes you could swim in. What cast a spell over me was how nice he was, I had never met someone so easy going and also non judgemental for a young boy. We were around ten or eleven and at that age most boys were not kind to each other. At different times while growing up I saw him and he was always polite, not a usual thing for a small town boy who was also a jock, while I was a klutz at sports. After our early teens I never saw him again but I often heard about him or saw pictures from friends who played sports with him, they all had the same great things to say about him.

About seven years ago I received the sad news that he was killed in a car accident, the surrounding towns were in mourning at the loss of such a good guy. Everyone said he would give the shirt off his back for someone, even a stranger in trouble and I remember thinking, 'awe, he never changed'. The thing that makes me wonder about him now is that he was a good man, handsome, good in sports, caring, kind, involved in many community events and yet he was single, never married or even really dated anyone. The wheels began to turn and I wondered. The thing however that I can't let go of is how he died. His truck went off a cliff into rocks and water below. A road that he travelled often, he had been with friends that night but was not drinking, some thought he may have fallen asleep but it was said he had been speeding. A shadow of a rumour began to spread that he may have driven off on purpose but why, a man that had so much going for him, why would he feel so lost.

If he did, if he ended his time with us too soon, I can't help think, no wife, no girlfriend, handsome man's man in a very country, straight world. If he was gay, he would probably have been really confused, really ashamed and may have thought he would be better off dead than for someone to find out he was a.....fag! At this same time I was also in the closet begging God to help me, it was hard enough for me so I can't imagine a guy who felt he had this image to hold up. I hope I'm wrong, I hope it was just a tragic accident because if it was true, what a loss. What a loss for the love that should have been shared with someone, the life that should have been lived, the decent man who would have been part of our community. We will never know what happened but I just hate the thought of such a good person feeling so hopeless, that they could see no other way out.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Love, How Do You Know

I always had a fear before coming out, that I would never have the chance to fall in love. I found that thought really sad, missing out on something which is (I think) a great part of humanity. I also used to wonder how will I know, how do you know when you are in love. Years ago when I peeked out of the closet and started dating Billy, I often wondered if I was in love with him and just did not know it. Now it is clear to me, although Billy was a great guy and good to me, I never loved him. We were two confused young gay guys that happened to meet and form a relationship, we cared about each other but not the way a couple in love does, at least not on my part.

Love does weird things to the brain, I often heard this in songs or poems but now I see examples between Dave and I all the time. Last night I was watching a scene on Six Feet Under where a gay couple were holding each other laughing at a movie. One man was very sick with a heart condition, near the end of the scene he passed away peacefully in his boyfriends arms and the look of loss on the other man's face just shot through me. Embarrassingly I cried... a lot, Dave hugged me and tried to console me but I had this vision in my head of being in their place, what if I was holding Dave and lost him like that, the joy in my life that I finally found after all this time, taken away from me. I am not sure if this is the beginning stages of a serious relationship, I assume it will change later, honestly I have no other life experience to compare it to, this is all new to me or maybe I'm just becoming runner up for wuss of the year..

Dave assure me he often feels the same way, we confessed little secrets to each other and had a good laugh about them. For instances, some times in the morning when Dave leaves for work, if I see him drive off, I feel a bit misty eyed or lonesome, just for a few seconds but it is there. Dave told me, he watches all the windows to see if I look out, he said that he always waves in case I'm looking out and he did not see me, it would bother him too much to think I was watching and not wave good bye. Whenever he leaves or ends a phone conversation, I always say "I love you" I have a fear that if something should happen to one of us, I want that to be the last thing I ever say to him. If we have been together for a couple of days, he has to leave first, if I leave first then the eyes get a little misty. I have never cared so much about another person other than my family before, I have never felt so good at just seeing a person smile at me, and now...I know.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Jerk At The Pulpit

A few days ago I was watching on TV a minister preaching to his congregation, he turned to the subject of gay marriage. Of course he went into a frenzy and I thought he would start foaming at the mouth for a second. He basically went on to say that 'homosexuals' are ashamed of who they are and they want the rest of the world to accept them because deep down they feel guilty and also that deep down they know they are wrong. That straight people accepting homosexuals will make us not feel the guilt so much because 'straights' will be "lowering" their standards of morals to meet our own. He said we want our relationships to be viewed as normal and part of society. He said deep within our soul we know we are sinning and our very soul cries that out to us. I could not help think "you jerk, you are placing your ignorant views about me, on me."

Down deep to my very core, even though I had a hard time accepting my homosexuality, I felt shame because of hiding being gay. Yes, there was some shame over being gay but whenever I really thought about it, I knew it was just a part of me and not something like wanting to steal or hurt someone. The hiding felt like lying and that was most of my guilt. I want people to accept me so I can live in peace with Dave, not because I think I need straight people to validate my life. It feels very 'normal' for me to be with Dave in every way that two people relate to one another as a couple. It however feels very wrong and almost repulsive to be with a woman in an intimate way for me. Our relationships 'are' normal, just the sexes are different and gay relationships are already part of society, just he is too stubborn to open his eyes, look past his nose and see they are all around him. You want me to search deep down, okay deep down I know I'm right and you're wrong! My very soul tells me I'm gay and whether I'm a good person or not has nothing to do with the fact of me being gay or straight. One final thing, as a preacher please stop lying, do not say you are only saying these things out of love for us when you are yelling and screaming like a mad man, we can tell when there is anger and contempt in a person's voice, at least tell the truth, that you hate us, that you can't stand us and have no intention of trying to know who we are or what we are going through. At least then I would respect you for being honest with your followers, because according to your good book, half truths and lies do not come from God so who inspired your sermon.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Still Single?

Still single, that question never really bothered me before, now however it could be the beginning of a battle. I had the intention of not telling my parents about the whole guy on guy love thing between Dave and I, however living so close and interacting with people from back home all the time, I just don't see how I can avoid telling them. When I meet people they will always ask "still single" and what should I say. Do I say yes I'm still single to keep from opening that door, but if I do that I am lying about one of the most important things that is happening to me right now, one of the most important ever. I also feel like I am betraying Dave, betraying our love and I just don't feel like doing that. If I say no then of course will come all the questions!
"What is her name?"
"That is an unusual name for a girl!"
"Well she is a he, I'm into guys."
"Well does that mean you're gay?"
"Oh no no don't be silly, I just thought since I did not have a girl-friend at the moment and plus I already know what to do with a penis, I would date Dave until the right woman comes along."
"Do your parents know."

This hiding my relationship from some people is starting to feel like being back in the closet, I don't see the point, I just want to be happy, why can't people just be happy for me. Christmas is becoming a hassle also, I'm not a huge Christmas fan as I think it is mostly for little kids, for adults I think we should just observe the religious part if you are a Christian and then get together for a good meal with family and friends. Dave would like me with him, my parents would be crushed if I did not spend it with them, even if they knew about us it is not like they would say "oh just bring your nice boyfriend honey, the more the merrier." That is the side that is starting to get to me, I don't feel I should be anywhere that Dave is not, I should be able to take him just like I could take a woman I was dating if I was straight.

Yesterday, a friend from high school lost her father, I have not spoken with her in years, if the weather clears up I was thinking of going to pay my respects. It is on my mind that people will ask and the thing is I don't want to lie, I don't want to cause a stir or do it to shock people but I want to be able to tell the truth when they ask "You still single" I want to be able to say "no I've met a really great guy".

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Dumber & Dumberererer

Way back in my younger days, when the Internet began to catch on and was becoming part of most homes, I felt excited for mankind. I thought it would leap humans into a new level of existence, one where people would become more worldly if not at least better educated. It never occurred to me at the time that people would use it to spread untruths and have groups even more in the dark about life. It also never occurred to me that people would read facts about a subject and say "nah that is too hard to process so I am going against what all these scientists and doctors say and I will believe this goof with little or no education". I can't understand why people 'want' to be stupid. I feel so frustrated at times now we have not only growing numbers of people who believe we are not actually gay, just damaged straight people waiting to be turned back, but we also have growing numbers of people who think Hitler never did a mean thing but was just misunderstood, our great great grandparents ate all the dinosaurs, no one ever landed on the moon, the CIA took down the towers so Bush could go get oil in Iraq, HIV does not cause AIDS or that the CIA released AIDS on the world, the world will end in 2012 and if that fails then 2029 and if that fails 2036 and if that fails..... I'm so disappointed in the way it turned out, I should have realized that people always want to take the easy way, why spend the time looking a subject up on the net where you may actually learn something. Think, with the knowledge we have these days, life could have become so much better for people everywhere but honestly now that I have outgrown my innocence of youth, I know that will 'never' happen, that is just a fact, that sounds awful but it is just human nature to never let that happen. We will only use modern technology to make things worse or control people better. When I see a person on TV crying because after years of ignoring the warnings, they feel mislead I get bored, I think "too bad" maybe that sounds mean but I just get so tired of these people who just absolutely refuse to listen to reason until it is too late, I feel they were mislead because they wanted to be mislead, don't ask us to make it all go away, you were warned and now you must pay the piper.

Maybe I'm in a bad mood, maybe it is a form of gay-man PMS but when I'm on here in the blog bubble and most people (gay or straight) are so open, I forget about the outside world, however as soon as I go on any other sites it can be a shocker in how mean spirited people can be. Since I am from the country, sometimes I read sites or blogs dealing with subjects regarding the country, like horses for example. Not to be picking on you guys but the American sites are the funniest, not funny ha ha but funny dark. They always list their likes as "raising livestock the way Jesus would want us to" then they say "loving the lord Jesus and living as he would" then "selling guns, shooting, hunting, fighting to keep our guns free from Obama". Well not that I have anything against people who hunt but I always wonder what kind of gun would Jesus use? Since they list semi-automatics I'm not sure what animal they use that on but maybe they are right, maybe Jesus should have had one in the garden with him, think how the Romans would have run for cover when the bullets started zinging past their ears, of course Christians would not be saved then. No offense to Christians or Jesus intended, just to people who sell guns and say they live like Jesus would. Next will come the comments about "fags" and the "n" word. Maybe I expect too much from people considering they hear the same garbage from their politicians and minsters but then maybe that is an excuse, I form my own opinions and not even my parents can really influence that, so why can't they, why do so many people let others think for them. I don't know where I'm going with this, maybe I'm just feeling blah today so..the end.