One Day, One Year

This past weekend I spent with Dave (like most of my weekends now) because it was his birthday. Sadly our city picked this time of year to be asleep, entertainment wise that is. It also became bone-chilling cold so it was better to stay indoors and snuggle. We did have a good friend over for dinner Saturday, he like me, has only been out for a short time and it was fun to talk about the gay bloopers we both made. We also did some shopping Sunday and then I took Dave for his birthday dinner to a gay owned restaurant. The food and atmosphere were great but we were disappointed that it was a slow night because of the weather and we ended up being the only couple there. We wanted to be part of the herd, you know... sometimes we just want to be with other gay couples.

Today my Babe sent me an email from work, it was one of the ads I had put on line looking for gay friends, the date is a year ago today. This ad was my third attempt and I was about to give up. Little did I know that a super nice gay man was about to read it, feel a connection with me, contact me and offer a hand in friendship. The rest as they say is history, this would start a chain of emails and a few phone calls, later on February sixth we would meet in person for the first time, that evening I would have very strong feelings for someone I just met and that would kind of have me caught off guard. Dave had sent me a picture but I remember when he walked in and I saw him for the very first time, I thought 'wow he is so tall, I love tall guys'. He was easy to talk to and I felt relaxed with him. I can remember sitting there hanging on his every word, staring into his soft brown eyes and thinking he was such a nice down to earth kind of guy, the kind of guy I would love to date, I also remember thinking "he is perfect but a guy like him would never be interested in me".

The other thing that attracted me to him was his thoughtfulness, he was suppose to be a friend to help me experience gay life. We were on our way to my very first gay-bar visit, he was so understanding that he had us meet in a coffee shop first so that I did not have to go in alone. That spoke volumes to me about the kind of guy he is. I don't want to jump ahead too much here because I will probably blog about our first meeting again and also about when we decided to go out with each other. For now however I will take a moment and just think back to my message and to the lonely gay man who did not know he had just wrote the few sentences that would finally change his life towards the way he wanted to be living it.

Simple Moment

It happened the other night, it was a simple moment, nothing earth shattering and yet it was the world to me. I had spent the day at Dave's, doing little projects outside together before the winter sets in. The day was sunny and unusually warm, the air had an ironic spring smell to it as if life was about to start over and not go to sleep. I did not want the day to end but the sun was sinking lower in the sky. Everything was so silent and the beauty of the sun setting over the creek that quietly flows past Dave's house was breath taking. I said to Dave, "wow that is beautiful" and looking over at him, he sat on a stone wall, reached out to me and said come here. He pulled me into him, I turned around and sat on the wall between his legs. He wrapped his long arms lovingly around me, put his chin on my shoulder, our cheeks touching and we just sat there in silence together watching the sun go down. It had so much meaning for me that the moment was almost over whelming. One reason, I felt it was the summer sun's last good bye, the last perfect sunset for the season until next spring. Most of all however it was the reason that poems are written about, it is the fodder for love songs, two people in love watching the sun set. A first for me I realized of my entire life, and even though I have watched many beautiful sunsets, this time it was almost intoxicating to be sharing it with someone. A simple moment for most people everywhere, but something so touching and new for someone who has finally allowed himself to fall in love.

I get it now, the love songs that is, the love stories and poems. I thought I understood them before but I see now that you can not really grasp the meaning until you have actually been in that emotion. It is kind of like when someone has suffered a great loss, everyone tries to comfort them by saying they understand, when in reality they have no clue, they never had to experience the feeling. That was one of my fears when still in the closet, to grow old and die always having been alone, never knowing what 'being in love' with someone was like. I would have considered my life a waste if that had happened. I understand now when love songs speak of never wanting to be apart, of being complete together and of being broken hearted at the thought of losing one another. Whispering to Dave I even expressed this feeling to him, I said "so this is what love songs are about" he kissed me lightly on the neck just below my ear and whispered "I do love you so much". I leaned my head back onto his shoulder and just enjoyed the warmth of his body. The air quickly became very crisp with the fading light and as the sun finally sank from our sight, I softly said "thank you for sharing this with me".

Boring Love

Warning! The following post will be dull, boring and even mushy but it is a fact of my life. I figured I better give this warning because I do get emails saying things like "Dear Steve, you seem like a nice person but all you ever talk about is your relationship with Dave or about being gay" and " Dear Steve, I like your blog but they are getting too mushy and I am bored with them." Actually this does not offend me as they probably think they are helping me out, and honestly I know it is partly true. The thing is... this is a blog about a gay guy coming out and entering into my first real relationship, so naturally the things that are on my mind about all this will make it into my blog. I did not intend to write about my whole life here. Also most say people write blogs for attention, not in my case, it was a place to get my thoughts out. I often turn down suggestions to draw attention to my blog. Honestly I like the small group of people who I have met through this blog and connected with, plus I respect the people who read regularly but for their own reasons choose to stay silent. I do not have an interest in trying to spice it up more to be read more as that would not really be me, also I don't want to lose that connection with the people who comment and email, I would miss you guys/gals.

Now the mushy parts. Dave and I have actually been doing pretty well, he is really trying to give me the things I need in this relationship and it is working out well. I know we are in love but now it is going to that next level where for lack of a better word, we are really bonding to each other. I feel happy and good about our relationship, I don't worry anymore that it will not work out, it seems we have opened a door to being able to say anything on our minds and we only appreciate the other more for their honesty. We can't stand being away from each other and right now, there is nothing I love better than on a cold night, being snuggled up close to my warm guy... even if he does snore a bit, a big bit, a lot. I was teasing him the other day, I said this must be love because we speak 'baby talk' to each other now. You know, like when he is really tired and wants me to come to bed with him he says "me tired, need go sleepy, you come wiff me peas! I'm just as bad, I'll say "its cold, snuggle up wiff me under the bankies" umm yeah, I'm serious, we actually say that to each other! We always cuddle up together, whether eating, watching TV, sitting outside in the sun, everywhere. I still get little jolts when he takes my hand, I like to just touch him, smell him and we still just kiss on the couch for fun. I don't see myself anywhere else right now except with this man.

We are so ordinary, I think straight people who don't know gay people would be shocked with how day to day ordinary we are. I think that is a message I would like to give younger gay people or older gay people coming out who feel they don't fit into the 'gay lifestyle' the message that there is not one way to live gay. They can be anything from a drag queen, to a couple that comes home from the office, cooks supper and goes out riding on dirt bikes after. The life you want is the life that you can take for yourself and live, there are plenty of gay men of every interest to live it with you.

The 'It' Couple

A funny thing happened on the way to being a gay couple, we have become the 'it' couple or 'in' couple or what ever you call the people that everyone seems to want to have over for dinner. I started to notice this the last few weeks. I wonder if it is because we are gay and it is the 'in' thing to do in having a gay couple over, well at least I hope not. I am not sure if it is because we don't bring kids in tow with us or maybe more like we are both very easy going and put the hosts at ease. We both have a good sense of humour and like to play around with our friends. We are also open to trying new foods etc so that is probably another reason. It feels nice to be wanted, welcomed and well fed, sometimes it seems like our weekends are booked up and I feel guilty when trying to avoid a dinner. I guess too it is probably because we are a couple now and anyone who has been single for a long time knows how single people can be left out of gatherings, couples just seem to do more things together. I wonder if we have become the 'cool people', the ones to have over. I really don't mind if it turns out that we are a bit of a novelty for some people to have over, it will give people a chance to get to know us better and see we are just a very abnormally normal couple. I know with Dave's family, it is to get to know me better and I appreciate that, they have been very welcoming. Most likely it is because we are both so adorable... did I mention modest too?

Who We Love

Last Saturday a friend of Dave's, invited us over for supper. I really like Mike, he is a decent guy, Dave and I were thrilled to hear that the relationship he started two months ago was going well for him. Mike is shy and a bit old fashioned so does not date much. We both were looking forward to meeting his new boyfriend John. Everything fit, John was a down to earth (cute) guy and they matched, you could tell just by the way they were together. John also just came out last year so we had a lot of notes to compare. The supper was excellent, conversation went well and after we moved to the living room to watch a DVD. Cuddled up with Dave, the usual for me, I looked over to see John cuddled into Mike, with Mike mindlessly rubbing John's shoulders and back in a very loving way. I thought to myself, this is where I want to be, in a setting with gay friends, enjoying the evening and being with my boyfriend. I had that feeling of belonging, of being part of something, it was so satisfying.

Most of my friends are straight, they are very open and accepting towards me, however sometimes I just need to be around other gay people who understand where I am coming from 100%. My sexuality will not choose my friends for me but I feel a 'need' to also have some gay friends. It is just a matter of me knowing they 'get' the whole gay relationship issue. Dave and I find it hard to meet other couples that we can share time with, just an evening out, at a concert, dinner or even hiking. Most gay people we run into are either single or do not have the same interests, we are also cautious of the couples that want a bit of "extra" with becoming their friend.

We had a good discussion about what it means for each of us to be gay, our journey out, on meeting other gay people and overall acceptance. Talking about how hard things were for gay people when we were kids, about countries who to this day, kill or torture people just because they are gay, Mike wondered out loud a thought I often have, what does it matter who we love? Why such a big deal? We laughed, all four of us at the thought that any of us were a wild leather and chains sex addict like some would have the world believe we all are. Mike said "John and I go about our day doing everything that other couples do, the only difference being we both have the same parts"! That is true for Dave and myself, we make lunch, clean house, watch TV and joke around, nothing too out of the ordinary there!

Mike and John have a big age difference, almost twenty years and some people may have a problem with that. Again I say, what does it matter who we love. They fit, they both have tried to date others in the past never finding that connection. If they click and complete each other, why would it concern anyone else, it is not their business. I think people should just be happy and whoever works in a relationship with you, makes me happy for you. Sometimes I get asked, "would you date a person of this race, colour, age, religion?" I always think that question is silly, finding a good loving relationship with my soul mate, is not like buying a fall jacket. I can't imagine saying "oh he is perfect for me, smart, funny, cute, thoughtful, now if I could only get him in a different colour." I feel when you click with someone it should not matter, I used to think before I met Dave, "whoever I date, I hope he is a good person and is my best friend as well as boyfriend," I did not think in terms of "he has to be this tall, this shade, this eye colour". I would say however religion might be one factor that would stop me from dating someone, if they insisted that I had to join their religion when I did not believe in it, would cause me to not go down that route.

Sometimes I wonder if that is not part of the problem with the world, so many people with opinions about who we love, maybe too many opinions, too many people are worried about what everyone is doing in their private life, so much so that they neglect their own life, maybe that is why they are so bitter when they see real love in a couple they don't consider to be part of the norm.

I Don't Want To Be Mrs Roper

When I was a kid I liked to watch the show Three's Company, for those who never saw the show, there were these two characters, Mr and Mrs Roper. They were an older couple that played the landlords of the show. Mr Roper was a bit of a jerk, he liked to drool over the younger women while not treating his wife very well. Mrs Roper was a sweet lady and her beauty was on the inside, in fact looking back, she probably would be a perfect person for drag queens to copy at a gay pride parade. In the show I used to feel sorry for her character as she wanted to have a healthy sex life with her husband but being a jerk, he rejected her at every turn. Even though I was very young and had a slight grasp of what sex actually was, the game of being naked with each other and kissing looked like fun, I used to think "what is wrong with him, he does not look so hot himself anymore, when I get old if my partner wanted sex all the time, I would think that was a good thing". I was so young, I did not even realize at this time that my partner was going to be a guy, I didn't yet understand why I found the character Jack attractive and could not get why every other guy talked about the women on the show. I did know one thing however, I would not deny my partner a chance to be intimate with me.

I should say that Dave is certainly no Mr Roper, he is very kind and loving to me. We do enjoy each other's company and like I am always saying, he acts very thoughtful towards me. However I keep thinking lately of Mrs Roper, it is almost as if I knew as a young child I would end up in a situation like hers. Even last night watching a comedy on TV, the woman in the show was worried that she missed her proper moment to have sex with her boyfriend, her male friends laughed at her and said not to worry, that him being a guy, every moment was the proper time to have sex. That line would at any other time have been really funny to me, however last night it hurt.

That was one of the things I talked a lot about with Dave, I wanted to be sure that he was not being 'with' me just to keep me from leaving, I do not want to hold that over his head all the time. I do not want to place him in the position of doing something that he dislikes. He said that he wanted to try, he does not want to lose me and that he was fine with it. I need the love of a good man more than the sex, I would hate to meet someone new that was great in bed but was not as thoughtful or loving towards me. Still I don't want to end up being Mrs Roper later on in life, needing my partner and him finding ways to avoid me, that would hurt.

Dave is trying and I hope this works, I am pretty lucky when I see other people looking for the right person in terms of years, my situation is not as hard as some others trying to come out so I don't want to appear whiny here. However I can't help feeling a little sad, even though Dave is trying, he is doing it for me, he does not get a lot of enjoyment out of the act and is not interested in it. That means that he will probably be less likely to say no to me but he will never try to start anything with me. That was part of my daydreams for when I finally had a boyfriend, for him to gently wake me on a Sunday morning by starting to make love to me, to go camping or some place private and have him come onto me, to give me a sly wink on a rainy afternoon when there is nothing else to do, to just start being silly and get me down on the living room floor then turn playful wrestling into something erotic. Those daydreams will have to make way for my reality, they just won't happen and I have to stop being obsessed with them. I have to focus on other things, like when I go to his place and he lights up at the sight of me, at the fact that if he is within reach of me... he is hugging me, that I am on a pedestal in his eyes, that I feel so loved by someone other than family, that he wants to take care of me and make everything right for me, that I love him like no other in my life... ever. To give that up and walk away would almost seem stupid.

Try

After the 'talk' with Dave, I was not in a good place. I felt it was probably over for us and there was the feeling of losing someone close, similar to a death almost. Friday I spent crying over every memory that entered my head like a school girl, by the end of the day my eyes and nose were sore and I had given myself a wicked headache. The little voice in the back of my mind kept saying "so this is what a broken heart feels like." Friday evening Dave called to check up on me, he said that he thought all day about 'us' and asked if we could discuss this further over the weekend some time. I could not really talk that night so I agreed to meet some time Saturday or Sunday. It was raining Saturday and Dave again called in the after noon and asked me to come over so I did.

When I got there, we at first of course did the usual small talk but I figured no sense in beating around the bush so I asked what he thought about. He said that he just wants to see me happy, that was the most important thing for him and if that means I have to move on and find someone else to make me happy then he would understand. He said he just wants what is best for me. He also then went on to say that he thought we could work this out however, that he had often wondered about whether he should be more sexual with me and that he did not really grasp how important that part of our relationship was to me. He then cried a little and told me that he knew he loved me but did not realize how much until on Friday he thought he might lose me.

I told him it is very simple if he wants us to be together, I said we have to be more than buddies and that I want to be intimate with him. I told him that everything else about him was perfect, that I was happy with him on all other accounts, I also told him I know he loves me, I feel it from him all the time. I said it is not like I am asking him for something out of this world, that it has nothing to do with actual 'sex', it is that I need him, I need to be 'with' him. I want the connection, I told him that it is too hard having the guy I love most in the world lying next to me and not being able to touch him. I then said I am not going to apologize or feel guilty for being sexually attracted to my boyfriend, it is what is suppose to happen. I made it clear to him that I understand he has issues about sex and not to feel embarrassed with me, there is nothing to hide anymore and I love him faults and all.

He agreed to put more effort into that area of our relationship and asked me to tell him if there is a problem. He said he knew for sure this is a relationship he wants to work on keeping because of being able to talk about these issues. He said with other relationships he had, they would just argue and nothing would get solved. I know he will never be really into the intimate part of this relationship and there are some issues he can't help, but I can live with those as long as he at least tries. This way I don't feel overwhelmed as if I am entering into another life of celibacy which is something I do not want. I feel he finally gets it now, that he really heard me, we can try to work on this and see where it goes. I am not naive enough to think that all is well now, it may be okay for a while and drift back to the way it was before and that would be a signal for me to decide to stay or finally move on. The power he has over me is this, in our lives we have very few people that really love us, I mean 'really' love us. Our mothers for example or a grandparent, usually a grandmother, that is a kind of love that we just 'feel' coming from that person. When ever you find someone that gives you that kind of love you just want to be around it, Dave gives me that warm feeling, it is in his hugs, how he looks at me, kisses me and the way he says my name. That is why for this relationship we have to at least try.

Not What I Wanted

I think I should of made myself clear the other day when I wrote about Dave and the things he can do to bug me or tease me. I certainly did not set out to make him look like a bully. I sometimes receive emails asking if he is really that sweet, and actually yes he is. I just felt besides the main issue I have spoken about, I wanted to say we do have some little annoyances like all couples but honestly we get along really well. We have been together now for seven months on Wednesday. He is very affectionate with me all the time, he is also very thoughtful and that is how I know he really loves me, not just by his words, but by his actions. I can't list all the small and big things he does every day for me, but when I am around him, I am always taken care of in a way that only someone who really loves you will do. There are always little notes, favourite foods or surprises involving something that he heard me mention at one time, that I liked. He is a very kind hearted, gentle, warm man and I am very lucky to has met him. I love him so much and would never want to hurt him. That is why the conversation that we finally had last night, completely broke my heart.

I asked again about him not wanting to be with me intimately, he explained again that he never really had a desire to be intimate with anyone, he said it was part of the reason he was not really aware he is gay until much later in life. He said he finds men attractive but has almost no desire to go beyond hugging or kissing, it is the way he has always been. He said he does not understand it, he has looked into it and is healthy but has no answers. He said he often feels like a failure as a man, like he is broken, I told him not to feel that way as that is just who he is. I guess some men want it everyday and some think a few times a year is fine. I told him he should have been more clear in what he was saying to me, he often said that he was just as happy to cuddle together, I took that as him meaning he was romantic, not as that is what he prefers to nothing else. He said he tried with me, he was hoping things would be different but they turned out the same and he said he just can't fake wanting something that he doesn't want.

Sobbing like crazy by now, I told him that part of me coming out and accepting myself was to enter into a relationship with another man and being able to also enjoy sex, it is not everything to me but it is a healthy part of a relationship. He used to tell me when we first met as friends, to figure out what I want in a relationship and go from there. I told him that to me, if we take it just one day at a time I can do this for a while but it weighs heavy on my mind when I think of being in a relationship where I never get to have that part of intimacy. He then said in a very understanding tone, "this is not what you wanted" and I said no. He then asked "where does that leave us, where do we go from here". I told him that I never met anyone like him, that I love him deeply and that I never want to hurt him but we are looking for different things and I don't think I can continue in this relationship. I told him that I often think of breaking up. He said we have talked about this before but did not know how strong I felt about this, he then asked how long I felt this way and I said since the beginning of summer. I told him that is when I noticed how he never wanted to be 'with' me and that sometimes now I feel like we are just good friends.

He was very understanding and that is the hard part, if there was a problem where he was being an ass, then it would be easier to leave. He said he had hoped it would work out between us, he had figured he probably would be single for the rest of his life and had accepted that until I came along. I guess somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was losing me and it hurt to see him struggle to try and keep me happy in the only ways he knew how. He asked if he will see me this weekend and I said no. I know he will try to save this relationship but I don't want to 'make' him have sex just not to lose me, that is almost like blackmail and I would feel it was wrong. Plus how intimate could it be if he is thinking about us breaking up every time we are 'together'. We can try to work this out but one of the reasons I just can't seem to stop crying is because we all know what I should really do. As I left this morning he gave me a goodbye hug, a little extra longer than usual and whispered "I love you so much, goodbye".

Annoyance

Since I often blog that Dave and I get along pretty good with the exception of the 'no nookie' problem, there are however two things that he does that really set me off. He does not understand why I get angry but he is learning not to do them around me. For the straight women that read my blog, see we have to 'train' our boyfriends as well!

The one main thing I hate is, when we are out at a function with people I know or that he knows, he will make sexual jokes about us. Not vulgar as he is decent with his language, more like innuendo, as if we are going at it all the time like rabbits and also as if he is some kind of stud that is after me every chance he gets. First off, even if that were true, we were both raised that this kind of talk is wrong, our private life should be kept private. He does not do this all the time but enough to make me angry and threaten him to stop it or I would have to correct his misinformation, that usually makes him quiet in seconds. I think that is the sting for me, I hurt because we don't have a healthy relationship sex wise but I love him so I make the best of it and take it day by day. Then for him to try and embarrass me (and I know it is just teasing) by telling people that "he always keeps me busy all night long" only adds salt to the wound. I cringe if any guy says this about his partner, gay or straight, I think it is immature and I just hate it when he does it. Like I said, he is learning but every now and then I have to scold my little (6'3) boy. It also shows me that deep down he knows that is the way we are suppose to be, so whether he admits it out loud or not, he knows this is not a normal relationship.

The other thing that bugs me is when we are out at a fair or event in the country. We both come from Farm/country life and eventually we often find people that know both families. The odd thing about the farming community is that it has it's own second world where events are held that people from the city are not even aware of. This leads to farmers, hobby farmers, horse enthusiasts, loggers and some truckers knowing or knowing of each other for miles and miles around. Some times when we are out at these events, Dave likes to tease me. This is one of the last crowds where being gay is still not accepted, plus I am not out to a lot of my family. Dave will tickle me or put his hand on my knee or ask for a kiss just to get me flustered. I don't find it a bit funny, it makes me very uncomfortable, I don't want to be outed by someone telling my parents that they saw me flirting with a guy at a fair. Just to be clear, even if I was straight, I am not the kind of guy that would be hanging all over his girlfriend just to show off the relationship in public. That is the other hypocritical thing about this, Dave does not act this way around his family. Even though they all know and have made me feel very welcomed, he does not try to kiss me in front of his Dad or brothers. If he was affectionate all the time in public I could understand. Like I said, I get very uncomfortable in these situations, he will even say out loud "see that cowboy on the brown horse, oh wow is he ever cute in those tight jeans" and it just floors me because he does not act like that at other times, he has even complained about other gay people being disrespectful by doing this. I know he is doing this to get a rise out of me but the danger is this, most times in a city or town setting people will not do anything if they discover you are gay and have a problem with it, however if there was ever a time that you could be followed out back to the potty and get a punch in the mouth just for being gay, this is one of those times. Some of the 'good' people might feel it was their duty to keep one of those gays away from their events.

I believe we should live free but I also believe we still need to be careful. It would be nice if we could hold hands anywhere but that is just not the case yet. Any way more 'training' needed but I love the guy so what can I do.

Umm Just Stuff

Some times I receive emails asking how are things in my relationship and did Dave and I work things out. Well no, not really nothing has changed in the no nookie department, I guess you could say things are worse if you want to judge it that way. For now it is the duck in the room, I don't consider it the elephant in the corner as people say, just a little odd tension that is there between us, not huge to me so maybe as odd as a duck in your living room. Now that I understand this is just the way Dave is, I am not as upset as when I thought there was a problem with me and that he no longer was interested in me. I know he loves me and shows me in his way and for now I am good with those expressions of love. I also love him deeply so there is no way at the moment I could just walk away from this.

On another note, this past weekend the movie Broke Back Mountain was on one of the french channels (french Canadians are way more cool and open than english Canadians) and I watched part of it, I stopped watching because it seemed to hit harder this time around. I stopped because I want to watch the full movie again on DVD. Some of you may remember I blogged about finally seeing it about seven months ago, however at that time I had not met Dave yet and I suspect it was harder this time because I could relate more to the characters now that I am in a relationship. I guess I could feel the angst and loneliness more at the thought of being separated from Dave. I asked Dave to watch it again with me sometime soon, also because he cries much more easily at movies and I want to tease the crap out of him. Also funny is when my Dad saw the previews, again he said he wants to see the movie, I guess I could just fast forward the tent scene for him but I think he would probably enjoy most of the movie.

I don't know about you, and I mean 'you' as in a fellow gay man, or woman, but I love to hear about 'family' doing well. Meaning a gay couple marry and have a happy life, a gay person start a business and it thrives or someone has a gay kid and the parents are behind their child 100%. Dave knows a gay couple that have been together for years, he is not close friends with them but does know them fairly well and has done business with them. A few years ago they decided to try and adopt to complete their family, they were given twin boys. The boys had been bounced around foster homes because they had learning difficulties and a lot of people only want perfect children with no flaws. They formed a family out of little people who needed love and big people who wanted to give love. The boys did very well, the men threw resources behind the boys as in one becoming a mostly stay home Dad plus getting tutors to help them catch up with school. I loved when Dave would tell me about this family, sometimes I would think of Dave and I as gay parents and wondered what that would be like. I never had the chance to meet them yet but Dave often speaks highly of them. Last spring one Dad was diagnosed with cancer and had to go in for an operation. He seemed to be recovering until Dave was told today that things turned for the worse and he passed away. I never met them but I feel so sad inside, it is just not fair. The boys finally were given a home with people who love them only to have their security shattered, the extra sting for them would be it was the stay at home Father so there was probably an extra bond with him. I can't also help feeling so sorry for the Dad left behind, he will really have his hands full now with trying to take care of the boys and the one person he could lean on the most in rough times, is gone. It is moments like these when I can be thankful for the things I had growing up, when I see how life can turn so cruel on others, like two little boys in need who this week, had their hearts broken.

The Visitor

This past week was, as promised by the weather man, beautiful and sunny. Due to the weather I went home to help out the folks make hay while the sun still shines as they say, literally! It can be dirty and hard work but sometimes it is almost refreshing being a straight forward task that gets a person out on the land and into the sunshine. I know these will soon be the last days I need to help out like this, as not only is fall drawing near, but my Dad is in his early 70's and will retire one of these days, this year or next. Farming is in some people's blood and they just refuse to quit until their body does.

I still really like the country and miss parts of living there, I like city life as well but I would not want to live in the down town core. My ideal place would be about ten to twenty acres just outside the city. Far enough to be quiet and have space to breath, however close enough to have all the extras within a thirty minute drive.

On my third day playing farmer boy, it was a really hot day and I had stopped my tractor to take a break (did you like that, yes a gay man driving a tractor, very butch right). I was thinking about how peaceful it was around where I was working and how family members worked this land for generations. Where the fence lines where placed and how the fields were planned and cleared, had been decided by family members who were long dead by the time I came along. I suppose they would be rolling in their graves to know the dream of this farm ends with my Dad, that he had a gay son who would rather work in a comfy office and will never have children of his own. Sometimes I get nostalgic like that but then I think, even if I was straight and took over this place, does not mean that my children would be interested in staying. Many kids grew up here and left to spread out all over Canada and the States.

Sitting there thinking these thoughts, my peace was suddenly broken by the sight of a motor cycle making it's way through the forest paths to get to where I was working. At first I felt pretty ticked, I was thinking it was some of the local goof-ball teens that drive everyone nuts with their dirt bikes and ATVs, I figured they found the road and were trespassing. I pulled out my shotgun, no just kidding that is a hill-billy thing, not a Canadian farmer thing. As the bike approached I thought to myself "does that bike ever look like Dave's bike" then as he came near I suddenly realized it was Dave! I had a lot of emotions, I was so happy to see him, I had been missing him but I was also thinking, "oh shit my boyfriend is here, with my parents here as well!" He pulled up to where I was sitting and even though he had his helmet on, I could see he had a big grin on his face. As he got off his bike, our little red Australian cattle dog who was snuggled up with me, took one look at this six foot three thing in a suit and had a complete melt down, normally she loves everyone but I honestly think she wanted to take him down a foot or two! Dave is not afraid of dogs but she certainly made him back away from me. After they made friends we sat down in the grass and I asked him how the heck he found me. He had found our place by remembering my Dad's name and then met my Mom at the house, she then told him how to find me. He said as soon as he said he was looking for me, she said to him "oh your Steve's friend" they had a nice talk and then he came looking for me. My Dad was in another field and drove over in his old pickup, I was wondering how he would react as he would be tired. When he pulled up he looked at Dave's sport bike and asked if he wanted to trade him the bike for his old truck, whew! A good sign Dad was not mad at someone showing up in the middle of work, I thought he might be annoyed but he was interested in meeting Dave. They talked for a short while.

We had a lot of work to do so my father excused himself and went back to work. Dave teased me for a kiss, I said "not on your life", don't worry Dave does not kiss me in front of his Dad even though his Dad has no problem with it, he is just a bugger to pick at me like that. Later that evening I over heard my parents talking about Dave so I listened in. My Dad with his Irish roots that were not lost over the past generations said, "he seems like a nice young lad" and my mother said "yes and he is so tall, in that suit with his helmet on, no wonder the dog went nuts, he must of looked like a big Sasquatch to her!" Now of course I told this to Dave when I saw him next and we both had a good laugh over it. I also have to hand it to Dave in that he knows how to operate around me. If I were going to introduce him to my parents, I probably would have fussed and worried about it for days, this way he just stopped in like any of my friends and every thing went smooth, no big deal.

Back in the city over this past weekend, we happened to be down town and who should we bump into but my sister. She was glad to finally meet Dave and we laughed as I said this is my 'boyfriend' Dave. They seemed to hit it off and she invited him to come with me to her annual Halloween dinner. She even teased him by saying he had to wear a costume or she would make him wear a dress, he got her back by saying he would wear his own dress that he keeps in the closet. She looked at him and I cracked up because I could tell by her face she was not sure if he was joking or serious. Then he said no that him wearing a dress was never going to happen, "whew" on my part. Later he joked about wanting to meet my family and having done it all in one weekend. Well so there, Dave met the folks, another step taken. I figure they will either just see him as a friend or if they figure it out some day, it will be a lot easier to accept if they already know and like him.

Dark Skies Ahead

While out in the country visiting the folks, these ominous looking storm clouds came rolling in. It was dead silence as they quickly over took the blue sky, however we could hear the wind that was roaring towards us in the distance. These clouds made me think of my relationship with Dave, at first blue skies, then with sudden darkness over taking our relationship, and I know that a storm is heading our way but there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it. I know it is not fair to make a statement like that here and not go into details, I guess I just need to vent that my heart is breaking for what I think is coming and I don't really have anywhere else but here to say it. Things have actually been going pretty good for the last week, Dave is again almost back to his normal self. However a problem keeps coming up over and over that he does not want to deal with and some days I look at him and only see a really good friend... not my boyfriend, in those seconds I have to catch my breath and turn away from him, so that he does not see it on my face. He is causing me to lose that special connection I felt for him, one day I am afraid that I will wake up and it will be gone. Dark skies looming ahead and the storm is inside.

Slightly Dented

Since Dave is on holidays at the moment we have more opportunity to be together. However I did not feel welcomed to go over and visit, so I stayed away until Tuesday. It was awkward being around him again, he seemed more his normal self than the cold way he had been acting these past few days. I kept waiting for him to apologize for his behaviour, he never did. Later that evening I figure we needed to have the 'talk', I told him everything, the way I felt, how his behaviour startled me, how he seemed like a totally different person, how I wondered what he will do in a major crisis. He seemed almost surprised, he had been so wrapped up (still) in his problem, (and it is a minor problem) that he had not noticed anything wrong between us. He said he thought later it was probably wrong of him to act that way, he said that he is not trying to make excuses but the red tape (red tape he caused by not following rules) he was put through made him snap. We talked in circles about it until he said he was done talking about it, I pointed out that he never once apologized, he fell silent and was a bit red in the face. It would have been better if he was angry with me for no reason, what hurt the most was that he was indifferent to me, he could have cared less for days if I was around or not, please no one try to sugar coat this, he even admitted this in our conversation.

I can't help also feel that I would not be able to rely on him in a time of crisis, he shows no diplomacy, from what he has told me, he is the type of person that goes into a store and starts to yell and swear at the manager. That to me is the dumbest thing a person can do, no one is going to help you if you are acting like an idiot, what is the point of trying to scream that you are right if you never get the results you want. Dave did say that he is never violent towards another person physically, he said it is not in his nature and has never hit someone in his life, he felt awful when I said I was uncomfortable during the tantrum. He promised to try and be more careful in how he relates to me when he is upset about something. He asked if that was why I had not come over the last few days, he was embarrassed when I said I did not feel welcomed anymore.

To be fair to people who read this blog, there has been another problem that keeps coming up between us as well, I thought we could work through it but he just shuts down when ever I try to talk to him about it. That is the reason I was so panicked over this issue, past behaviour shows he is not willing to deal with any major problem so I want people to understand this is not the first problem to come up and I suddenly fell to pieces and could not deal with it. For now we have placed our cards on the table, it is pretty much back to the way it was before. He asked me the next day "are we good" I told him we are okay but that the relationship was slightly damaged over this I felt. I then told him about the email, he just laughed, I asked him since we already discussed the issue to delete it, I said however if he does read it and is hurt by it... then tough!

"Beginning of the end", when I wrote that post I did not mean it was the beginning of the end of our relationship, I am not that dramatic to suddenly call it quits, sorry to have startled people. What I meant was if there should be an ending, I foresee how it could happen... I see the path that may lead us there and no matter what I do to stay off of it, 'he' may force me onto that path. If every time there is a problem, he shuts me out and there is no working through it, there is no way a relationship can keep going on like that before it falls apart, if a relationship becomes constant 'work' there is a problem, to me my partner should be someone I go to in time of crisis... not become the cause of it.

Oh F..lub!

Well I had planed on talking to Dave about the blow up, now however I have forced my hand. I have been emailing back and forth with one of my blog buddies (lets call him John) about the situation. John asked how things were going so I sent him an email saying how hurt I felt, saying how Dave came across as if he only cared about the project and no longer cared about me, and about how cold he had been acting the last few days. I also said I felt as if I had been tricked, that Dave was not who he pretends to be and that I did not like the person he was at the moment. I piled a lot more onto my buddy's shoulder, so as to whine about it and hope for an email pat on the back in return. I hit the send tab and the email message came up "email sent to Dave"!

What! What! What! No! No! That can't be! I checked the sent messages and sure enough I sent the email to the wrong email address! Ooooooh fffffflluuub! I guess I am so used to sending emails to Dave that I did it without thinking! Now red faced I have to go to him and quickly have the talk and then tell him about the email, ahhhhh crack whore! I just wanted to vent a little, now I created more drama, I HATE drama! Ugh it was better when I was single I think at times.

Beginning Of The End.

We do have our off moments, Dave and I that is, every couple I am sure has them. Although we have never had an argument, we have had disagreements but only minor ones however. Mostly out of respect for Dave I have not mentioned our downs, but that would not be totally honest, it was great at the beginning and I often worried he had hidden problems, I kept thinking why is this great man single. Our strife comes not in fights but more during times when Dave pushes me away, it seems to be getting more and more often these days and it is usually triggered by something else going on in his life.
Tonight however I saw a side of him that I was not aware of. It had nothing to do with me, it was over a project of his that went wrong for him. He became uncontrollably angry, he is a large man and I actually became afraid of him at one point, I don't think anyone should ever have to be afraid, truly afraid of the one you are suppose to love. I tried to calm him down but he did not hear me, or more like 'would' not hear me. I felt as if I had done something wrong, it was like being a child again and my father was absolutely livid with me. The rest of the evening he shut me out, I did not exist, I was not there for him. I don't understand this kind of attitude, I think it immature and no matter how awful my day was going, I would not treat someone that I loved so badly. I felt sick inside and also was walking on egg shells, finally I thought to myself, I will not allow him to treat me like this any longer, his cold stares towards me or blank looks towards the wall were too much drama for me to handle so I left. Dave lives far from me, so my leaving shortly after just getting there will send a message. I just could not see staying and being made to feel as if 'I' had done something terrible to him. I can't talk to him when he is like this, he only shuts down but the thing that made me take a step back was the degree to which he became angry, I guess he had been keeping that secret from me. I know this is not a one time thing because I at one time did not understand what his brother-in-law meant when he asked me "have you seen his temper yet?" I wonder what will happen if he should become angry with me at some point later on in our relationship. The odd evenings of shutting me out have been building over the last few weeks, I would ask myself, 'did I do something wrong', 'is he losing interest in me', 'why did he ask me over just to ignore me'. My insides are torn because as much as I love this guy, I feel I may have caught a glimpse of the beginning of the end for us.

Have You?

Have you ever been told by someone that they love you, and it is so right that it hurts in a good way? Have you ever been told by someone that they love you and really, you know it is true, not love as in a friend, not love the way people just throw the word around, but the real thing. Have you ever felt it as a wave, coming at you just from the way they look towards you, has it ever made you cry in the dark because you can't handle such a strong positive emotion? Have you ever wondered how you finally got here? Have you ever loved being with someone so much that you wished you met earlier in life, just so you could have those extra years together? Have you ever had someone in your life that causes your heart to race if they stand close to you, or when being hugged, you secretly inhale deeply to capture their sent? Have you ever had someone where their happiness was just as important to you as your own, even more than your own? Have you ever noticed a strong need for a person that you unconsciously always have a hand or foot touching that person to stay connected, where intimate moments feel more spiritual than just physical? Have you ever wondered, "this must be what love feels like." Have you ever thought, "if this doesn't work, I'll never survive."

Pat On The Head

I guess there are days when I just need a pat on the head and to be told, "it is okay" that we all have the same thoughts from time to time and as usual you people were supportive. I was really amazed at the comments and emails I received for my "What Is Love" post, it cleared up a lot and let me focus on moving ahead. Dave and I are fine, still mushy sweet as ever. The fact is now I think in terms of being over there and just coming to my apartment to visit instead of being here and going there to visit, if you get my meaning. I have calmed down in this relationship and taken stock, I realize the more we are together the more we want to be together so I take that as a good sign. We are both very easy going and like to play around as if we were big kids. I think by both of us not taking every small detail too seriously it helps make the relationship strong. There are plenty enough things in life where we will have to be serious and we both have the belief of 'why create drama' where drama is not needed. It was the bonus to Dave's personality as I started to know him better, his sense of humour and playfulness. I knew he was decent and kind but his shyness kept the smarty pants in him hidden for a while so I was pleased when it started to come out (some days I wish it would go back in.. not really) and reveal the different layers to me of who he really is.

I met Dave's older sister and her family this weekend, what a nice person and family. I had heard a lot of good things about her and they all seem true. She made me feel the most welcome of all his family. It feels so good to have someone give you that silent message of "Dave is important to me, so you are automatically very important to me as well." Her whole family was like that, they talked to me like they had always known me. I found her personality to be the most like Dave's, she was easy going and slightly comical like him. I don't know about the rest of my gay readers, but personally I find it easier to meet strangers as a gay man, than people I know. Probably because I don't care about a strangers view of me versus someone I know, and also I suppose because I know most of the strangers I meet lately have already proven themselves by caring about Dave even though they already knew about him being gay.

On a side note, Dave finally convinced me to go on the back of his sport bike. Afterwards he teased me about being his biker bitch... ouch! I did enjoy it but a sport bike is not meant for passengers, I was in such an awkward position I think my knees were almost level with my ears and my hips were killing me after, however I did like wearing the 'Power Rangers' type of suit!

What Is Love?

What is love? How do you know when you have found it, how do you know you have it for someone else? Lately this question circles around and around in my mind. I worry, do I love being in a relationship with Dave or the 'idea' of being in a relationship. This is new to me and most days I am not sure what I am feeling. I worry as in, do I love him enough, do I love him the right way. How do you know that you care for someone as a boyfriend and not just a really good friend. What is love, is there suppose to be fireworks or is it being excited on your way over to see him. Is love sitting on the couch watching a movie, just 'being' together and enjoying those moments or should there be more. I wonder is it good enough to just care for the other person. Should they feel like your best friend, or does that make them your best friend and not boyfriend?

Over and over these thoughts run through my head and I wonder if other couples have these questions when they first start dating, is this normal, do these thoughts stay with you. Have you ever felt that maybe the other person is more committed to the relationship, maybe committed is the wrong word, more like they have the stronger love which can make you feel as though you are not holding up your end of the relationship. I am unsure, I have nothing to compare this to. I want to treat Dave right and I want to be sure I am a full partner in this. When I am away from him I get stressed about us, when I am with him I often wonder what I was worried about. A friend of mine told me she thought I was getting cold feet from being in my first serious relationship. Is it possible, to meet my soul mate on first try? Did I luck out, did someone out there work the universe so that we would meet and be the perfect couple? What are the chances or is it that I am older and can tell a good person when I see one. Am I wise enough now to pick the right one and just skip all the "MR wrongs" or am I just kidding myself. Sometimes I don't feel that I give enough to this relationship, maybe that is too Hollywood, maybe we are just suppose to eat, laugh, sleep together and that is living, that is love, that is a relationship.

I always want to be honest with Dave and so we talked about where we are, where we are going with this relationship. I told him some of my fears, I told him I don't feel I am giving this my all. He made me relax by saying that he has the same fears as I do. He said that he felt I give my all and that he is not giving 100%. What is love, what does it mean for people. How do you know you are 'in love', maybe even do you know at the time if you are in love, real love that is and not a crush or worse, lust. If love is fireworks, honestly I don't have those. Is love having a huge smile on my face when I think of him, is it knowing the little things I do for him will make him so happy, and in return makes me happy, is it feeling that his family, friends and work are very important to me because these are important to him. Is love that I feel as if we always knew each other, is love that at times he feels more like family. How do 'you' define love, I don' t know I have never been in love before, I just want to do this right.

Movie Night

This weekend, Dave and I were suppose to go camping, we were going to get to use a log cabin by a lake and share some of our time with friends of Dave's. Due to a loss in the family of his friends, we decided to not go and will go another time when these people can join us. That left the weekend wide open to doing something else. I was talking to my friend Eric and he asked me if I would be able to come for our usual movie night. Dinner and then the latest movies on DVD, snacks and beer, it was something we had done for years once a month until I met Dave. Lately Erik and I just could not connect our times as we always had other plans. I told him about the cancelled camping trip and he said "bring Dave with you, I would love to meet him" I agreed. I miss our time together, but he is a really good friend to me and completely understood my need to build a relationship with Dave over the last few months. Erik was the first person I came out to, I will always remember and be grateful for the way he was so supportive of me.

It is really important to me that these guys get alone, I love them both so much and it makes me a little nervous. Actually they both have a little of the same personality and sometimes with men that can make them clash a bit. It is also some big firsts for me as well. I have met some of Dave's friends and family but this will be the first time one of my friends will meet Dave. Also this will be the first time I will come to one of my friends as a gay man with a boyfriend. Erik is very supportive of this but still, there is that feeling in my stomach. I am both nervous and excited, finally I get to say, "this is Dave" and it will be understood that this is the person that I love, this is the person that is my partner in being a couple, this is the person that makes me no longer alone.

Most people will just see this as a bunch of guys meeting for movies and chips and partly that is true, however for me it will be another step in my journey, another line that I cross. It sets me on my path of being who I really am and even though it feels a little uncomfortable, it also feels right.

Rescued One Month

Well people, one month down and hopefully the rest of our lives to go. It is hard for me to believe but it has been one month since I swallowed my shyness and asked Dave to kiss me, best move I ever made. That just goes to show it is true when they say to go for something that you want in life, or least try. Dave and I are getting very comfortable with one another, he is pretty much the person that he first presented to me and that is a good thing. How many times have people started a relationship (gay or straight) only to find out the guy was a jerk and just kept it hidden long enough to hook the other person into the relationship. My guy still is the easy going man I fell in love with, maybe a little less serious than I first thought he was, and a lot more playful which to me is honestly a bonus, I like a man with a sense of humour.

He genuinely really loves me, sometimes his attraction to me is so intense that I find it a little scary, partly I think it is because I am new to dating but for now I'll just relax, appreciate it and let things take their course. The times he goes out of his way for me, the details that he stores in his head about me, only to be used later to please me or as a sign of affection, make me feel so wanted that it takes my breath away. I am lucky, I am living in a romantic comedy where every day he does something so sweet for me, but some how we end up laughing until the tears come. This is everything that I wanted but thought I would never have. Dave makes me think of that song 'When A Man Loves A Woman,' only with the gay twist regarding our relationship. I think of the man in the song who will do anything for his woman and no one can come between them. Dave makes me feel that way, I clearly see it every time I am with him, his number one priority is me, not in just words but in actions. I don't ask for this, I don't expect or demand it, this is just how he is when in love and it makes me dizzy when I think the person making him this way is me. We are finding that we have a lot in common regarding how we were raised, things we like and dislike, what we want out of this. We can talk about any subject, we are becoming good friends besides being boyfriends and I think that is important to any relationship.

I really feel Dave rescued me, I had given up on finding love, on finding romance, on finding a guy that was more interested in a relationship than sex. I honestly believed that all those good men were already part of a couple and that I would have to pick through the guys that mostly wanted one night stands. He restored my faith in love, in commitment, in a connection between two people. I understand this is all new to me and that in a few months we may realize that a relationship between us will not work. I also know I probably would still have a good friend out of this, however mostly it would show me to hold out and search for that right person, not to give up and give in to what is easy.

I hope anyone reading this who is single, will set their mind to meeting someone. It certainly is true that it will probably happen when you least expect it, just go with it but be smart enough to get out if something does not feel right. Most of all I want you to be happy also, if I can find someone then so can you and sometimes, just maybe that knight does ride up on a white horse to rescue you.