Pridecicle 2020.

 I received an email that our mini winter Pride starts on Monday. I'm not sure if the weather is going to cooperate but Ottawa has a winter festival called Winterlude. It's actually a little too warm these days so things like skating and ice sculptures may not be able to happen unfortunately. At the same time that Winterlude is happening, the LGBTQ community piggybacks a winter Pride week of fun things to do, a gay old time!

 Last year there was a Winter Pride Parade, unfortunately it was about -30 Celsius in 2019 when it happened, hopefully it won't be that bad this year. I have to look, I'm not sure if there is a parade again this year. I was going to play tourist to help pass the winter months away, I see many of the places I want to visit are having pride events... convenient much!!! I get to go and bump into other gay people. Of course realistically nothing will come of it but at least I get to be part of the herd. Gay or straight, I really do hope that it gets cold enough for people to skate on the canal, that's one of the attractions.

 I also need to check on the local drag races happening close by at a ski hill. Oh sorry I meant Drag... QUEEN races.. hahaha! Yes every year there is a Drag Queen race at one of the local ski hills. Drag Queens dress up and race in down hill skiing competitions. Feather boas flapping in the wind behind them! I assume they clip on their wigs and leave the high heels at home.

 It will be nice to see a little color in winter, especially a little rainbow color. My first date with my ex Dan was at Winterlude so there is a bit of gay  nostalgia there. I will never forget talking to a fellow blogger about it because he and I had both read a gay love story based in Ottawa and the first time the characters realized why they liked each other so much.. was when one kissed the other while skating on the canal. Maybe I will get lucky and meet my future husband there, maybe like in the book he will kiss me on the ice while a gentle snow falls around us. Okay probably not, most likely not, actually absolutely no way that is ever going to happen,  maybe I will just have a hot chocolate and a good time. :D

Straight guy lust.. not!

 Allow me to jump in... the "straight" m4m issues are swirling around again so here's my opinion..again. I admit I do like straight-ish looking men, yes I know that makes many of you crazy but I can't help it. I guess it's that saying, "I want a husband just like dear old dad". My dad was a stand up guy, who wouldn't want that in a partner, I also have to say my dad was a clean cut really good looking man. I feel he did probably imprint a vision of what I want in a partner regarding type, so it stands to reason that it would be that straight acting type.

 However I have to say that I've never been with a straight guy and I am not interested in one either. The truth is I don't believe they are straight, I feel 100% inside my mind, that they are bisexual or maybe even gay and can't accept it. Hence my reason for not being interested, I feel they have issues... and so, are intimately untrustworthy 'in my opinion' because they are out of touch or in denial about their feelings. To me it doesn't make sense to be intimate with a confused person like that. I assume that's why I often hear the sex is not that good, how can you be comfortable with another guy, if you are not comfortable with yourself.

  Over the past year, I have become friends with guys that claim to be straight but experiment with other men sexually. At first I thought maybe my view was wrong; however as I get to know them more and as they get to trust me more, I really feel that I was right the first time. They are gay or bisexual and don't understand or want to understand their homosexual desires. I always say, just think in reverse, does any person reading this, want to have sex with someone that is not part of who they're sexually attracted to. This of course causes these faux straight guys to get upset.

  As an example, one of my newer gay friends told a bunch of us an embarrassing  but also horribly funny story. He is one of those men that people always assumes is straight and he tried hard to fit into that roll. In his college days he was having a hard time accepting the fact that he's gay. He forced himself to date women and being a tall, handsome guy, he could easily get girlfriends. This is about to be graphic.. warning.. sorry!!! One evening he went out with a young woman and they went back to her room. She wanted him to perform oral on her, having never done that before, he figured no problem, how difficult could it be. Unfortunately the close up view of lady parts, was frightening enough for him but when he caught wind of the scent... he instantly vomited on the offending body part. Talk about a way to end an evening!

 After that enlightening story, other gay men shared similar awkward but funny moments. In my younger days, I have watched straight guys get into gay play when drunk, however they will start to gag if the fooling starts to go too far, it's not in them, they are straight. I think the confusion is coming from the fact that there are a lot more bisexual men than we thought, now more "straight" men are coming forward and admitting some degree of bisexuality. Sorry I don't care what anyone says, if a man likes having a penis in his mouth, he's not straight and from the internal homophobia I'm starting to run across, I think it's time the gay/bi community starts saying that. Time to stop pretending we "lured" straight men away from women, like we're that good in bed. No you just enabled a self-homophobic man to have his cake and sleep with it too.

Thinking the unbelievable, an odd coincidence.

 Sunday was a very active day for me, I was hoping that I would get a good night's sleep out of it Sunday night, unfortunately not. As usual I woke up at 2:30 in the morning. I was wide awake, my thoughts were extremely clear, I was remembering places and names of people etc, that couldn't come to me during the day. I have been reading a book which I will discuss once I have finished reading. The book had me thinking about humanity and what a bunch of morons we mostly are. My thoughts drifted towards the second world war and the worst of the worst, Nazi death camps. I started to think about the reality of it.

 It suddenly hit me that a country built a murdering factory! This is not just some racist guy that runs into a group of people that he hates.. and starts shooting. No this is something much worse on an industrial scale.  Imagine groups of people had meetings about finding the best sites to build people killing factories. They made accurate drawings of the types of buildings, gas chambers and holding camps to build. They would also look at the most efficient way of mass murdering people and also think about ways of disposing the bodies after. Just like they were going to build a factory that makes cars.

 I was thinking about something I heard months ago on a documentary, they found scratch marks on the cement walls as people tried to claw their way out of the gas chambers. It's hard enough to mark a cement wall with a piece of metal, imagine doing it with fingernails. Imagine the fear when you realize that you are being poisoned, imagine seeing your family die around you.

 Unbelievable that people could be so diabolical; however on the other hand as I get older I don't think it's unbelievable, I think it's very natural for humans to do this. I have come to realize that humans for the most part like to be stupid, they like to be kept in the dark and be led by people who will pretend to do the thinking for them... , not only allow them to remain stupid, but encourage them to remain so.

 I lay there in my bed until five, when I got up and turned on the news, the radio host said that today is a commemorative day for the victims of the holocaust. That startled me, I hadn't been listening to the radio the day before. What a bizarre coincidence to be thinking of people who died in these camps, only to get up and hear it's a day to remember them. In my reading about the holocaust today, I was surprised to read six million Jews and eleven million others were murdered. I want to know more about these others, the Jewish people were the main target but nearly double the amount of non Jewish people were killed, I wasn't aware the non Jewish number was so high!

 We used to think, how did this happen? Now we can see how easily it can happen, we can't look back and feel superior, there are plenty of people today who wouldn't see anything wrong with this happening again to the people "they" don't like. I thought humanity would be so advanced by now in their thinking, now I feel that maybe we are regressing.

Unwanted People.

 I have blogged about this before but sometimes we make the mistake of judging ourselves in this time frame, using today's standards for mistakes we made years ago. That's unfair to our younger self because of two things, first we didn't have all the life experience to draw from, how many times now, do we find ourselves in a bad situation and it makes us kick into gear and do the things we wished.. would have been known to us back then. We also learn from watching others, knowledge is power and as we get older it's about the only power that increases for us.

 The second thing that is unfair when judging our younger selves, is the time frame. Things that are good now, start to give us a false sense that they have always been good and that we just didn't grasp it at the time. However that's not true and I was reminded this week of past issues that were quite serious. I will talk about judging myself regarding being gay but being overly harsh on your younger self can apply to anyone about anything. I had been feeling sorry for myself after reading Sixpence's blog post regarding what a little tramp he was at an early age... and I say that with a little envy. My old feelings of wasting my life started up again. I hate the fact that as far as my gay life was concerned, I pretty much deleted it until reaching my forties.

  I was listening to an interview with a woman about something horrible that happened to her. She is only a couple of years older than me. In 1984 when she turned 19 she joined the Canadian military, with the goal of becoming an army medic, she did very well in her training and was accepted gladly into a program to reach her dream. One day two men came to the base, arrested her, handcuffed her and dragged her off to an interrogation room. There they kept asking her if she was gay. Only a young woman, alone and 19, she was smart enough to say no. A few days later they pulled her in and did this again. Finally one of the men said that if she admitted the truth, they just wanted to know either way and she would be fine, nothing would happen to her. However if she lied and they found out after that she was lying, things would be really bad for her. She confessed to being confused about being gay. She was given a dishonorable discharge from the military and told that she can never apply for any type of government job for the rest of her life for being gay.

 She was being interviewed because they are going to build a monument to remember the LGBTQ purge that happened from the 1950s until 1990 by the Canadian government. It sounds unbelievable that it was still happening in 1990 here in Canada. I was reminded of that being the mindset of the day, I would have been a kid still in high school. I can't imagine little shy, quiet, naive me... being dragged into a dark room with a bright light stuck in my face, "ARE YOU GAY!!! Are you GAAAY"??? That's the time frame we were in back then.

 The other thing I have to remember is that gay people were dropping left, right and center with some new disease called AIDS. Nobody knew what the heck was going on. People were terrified that mosquitoes would transfer the virus, that swimming in a public pool would give you the virus or being on a crowded bus. I remember hearing the warnings to keep away from gay men, they were carriers like sick foxes or skunks with rabies. I remember a woman saying, gay people should all be put on an island and left to die, segregated from "normal" people, she said that she is not heartless, we can drop food but keep them away from everyone else. Aids was lurking behind every tree, just waiting to pounce on a young gay man like me, exposing me to everyone I knew as the hidden deviant amongst them.

 I have to keep remembering those days, we were being hunted, we were something that looked human but were a damaged subhuman, we were a scourge to be left to die on an island. Growing up in the country was even more isolating. I have to forgive that Steven, he was a child becoming a man and he was in survival mode, actually I should be proud of that kid, he did this all on his own with no guidance and came through it relatively sane. I have to recognize why he didn't believe it was safe to start coming out at thirty. Plus life threw a bizarre twist at him, where every single male friend he made, always turned out to be straight and that also makes a difference. I have to forgive that kid, I have to learn to forgive me.

Cheeky Monkey Sex

 I love Bonobos, if you are not familiar with these little apes, they are a type of chimpanzee. A little smaller than regular chimpanzees, they used to be called dwarf chimps. The thing I like about Bonobos is unlike regular chimps, they are not violent. Regular chimpanzees are like humans, they murder each other, they beat their mates, they can act jealous, they form alliances to overthrow the leaders of their troop, the males are dominant, violent and control the group by pounding on the smaller chimps.

 With Bonobos the females lead the group and are more peaceful. The thing I really like about these little guys is that they resolve conflict through sex, lots of monkey sex. Even more unbelievable is that they are bisexual, males have sex, females have sex, males and females have sex... cue the porn music! These pictures are not mine, I downloaded them from the internet, some had copyright marks, these did not.

 Even better is that this bisexual monkey business, drives rightwing christians nuts. There was supposed to be no homosexuality or bisexuality in the natural world. We know now that the powers that be, had been suppressing this little inconvenient truth in the early days. Bonobos are actually closer related to us than regular chimps. Sometimes I think it would be cool to personally be bisexual, in an open relationship and experience the full picture of human sexuality.

 Maybe people could learn something from these horny little monkeys, less conflict more love.... making. Also interesting, these apes sometimes have sex facing each other like people, unlike the other chimpanzees that mate like animals.

  Turn down the lights, turn up the music and pass the bananas.

Blogging, it's a numbers game.

 Some days I feel that I have been neglecting my blog; however when I check it out, I have usually blogged within the last day or two. I try to keep it active, I think some readers get into a routine of following certain bloggers and like to see that there is a new post. I am the same way, I have a routine of who I check out and enjoy reading. I'm not sure about how the stats work but I seem to have doubled my readers lately, I don't know if those are actual numbers because the people who comment are my usual blog buddies, that hasn't changed much.

 My feeling of neglect towards the blog is unfounded, just out of my own curiosity I looked at my past numbers of posts per year. This year actually had the highest number of posts at 270, I think maybe I had a goal of 300 but I don't want to be posting just to reach a silly goal. I was surprised when I looked back, with the exception of last year at 221 posts, most other years I didn't even reach a hundred posts.

 Sometimes the numbers tell their own story. In 2007 I started my blog, I was already friends with bloggers by then and wanted to give blogging a try. It was a really big deal back then, especially for gay people supporting each other through the coming out process. I started late that August but wrote 67 posts that year, it was a great way to express my thoughts. The following year 2008 was my big year, I met Dan and people followed me through my first real full on relationship with 134 posts. Suddenly I saw that number drop to 32 posts in 2009... and of course sadly that was when dad became ill and later died. The following year was one post and I wish I had been able to blog for the following four years. Things were crazy with mom, I had a terrible job but even worse, things between Dan and I went south, I really could have used some advice or a shoulder to lean on.

 I started a better job in 2014 and attempted to blog again but at 8 posts... meh not a come back story. The following year I went up to 71 posts. Again I noticed a sudden drop in 2016 at only 45 posts. There were a lot of issues that year that I didn't feel I could share and so I kept them to myself, I really struggled with overwhelming sadness that year. The following year post numbers came back up as I worked through my problems.

 I just realized that I never was a very dedicated blogger, I only imagined that I was, so I don't have to feel guilty about not posting, apparently I've always been a blog slacker. My overall numbers are only 940 published posts with four sitting in draft. I think Dr Spo celebrated something like three or four thousand posts recently, I haven't even reach one thousand!

 I have to be honest and say that I no longer use this blog to get my thoughts out, I don't feel comfortable anymore saying what is bothering me or weighing on my mind. A lot of it is just too serious, too personal and even too dark at times. I think that I have shifted the blog more towards the social side of blogging and I'm okay with that for now. I think I'm going to post less this year but we will see, every time I think I will take a break, I post more. I guess my muse feel less pressure and become chatty Cathys.

Spam, the other pink meat?

 Remember that stuff? Spam, do they still sell that? Is that even meat? Spam, the meat that looks like vomit in a can, and you wonder why they never let me write the commercials for it! It's one of those foods I remember, if you threw a piece to the farm dogs, they would sniff it and then look at you as if to say, "umm what am I supposed to do with this?" That always made me suspicious, this from the same animals that loved rotting groundhog.

 This is my blog PSA! I have discovered some new form of weird spam thing happening, I'm not sure what is up but here is my alert. The Spamholes are going to some of my older posts, they put a link in the comments section, usually to gambling sites or uuugh, straight porn sites! I'm not sure what the reason is but they are doing it. Watch your post stats, if you find that ten to twenty people a day are suddenly "reading" a three-year old post about you buying socks... then it's a good chance that you have been part of the spam scam. I don't want to have to turn on the comments control section but I may have to. I'm going to see if I can block comments on old posts like people do on WordPress.

 I have had this happen about five or six times in the last year. Lately it was on my Halloween post from 2018, I was surprised to find it one of the top read posts. I couldn't remember anything exciting so I looked back. Actually it was a boring post, I worked late so I missed everything. Then I noticed a link recently put in the comment section to a gambling site.

 Spammers... worse than rotting groundhog meat.

Genie in the toothpaste tube.

 I was talking with friends and one woman mentioned seeing her nephew. This young man is probably in his early thirties now. Nice guy, tall, lean, good looking guy with sandy blonde hair. Typical young guy from around here, into sports, fishing, dirt bikes etc. Years ago, when he was near completing high school, he met this other kid, (a friend of friends) that would hang around with them on weekends etc. He was the opposite to my friend's nephew, short, more into books, always dressed nicely, that type of guy.

 One day my friend's nephew realized that this other kid was gay, he felt very uncomfortable around the guy so he did what he felt he should do... he asked the kid to go out with him and the guy said yes. Good twist right? They are still together today... yes awww.

 I have been thinking about this couple today, they grew up just at the perfect moment in time to be gay in Canada. I remember seeing the positive comments on social media sites saying what a cute couple they made.. and that was by people in this area. I have been thinking also about older gay people saying that the younger generation have no idea what it was like back in the bad old days.

  In some way I'm glad they don't suffer from those memories. It must be interesting to grow up seeing the world as an equal in society. I always felt equal as a person but I knew society saw me as second or worse class. Some of the older people worry that if they don't know about past bigotry, things will backslide. I'm starting to think that probably won't happen.

 Take for instance my friend's nephew, he came out really young, he has spent his entire adult life as a fully out gay man. He is with his childhood sweetheart. He is very close with his family, grandparents, parents all accept him and his partner. He is also very close to some of his uncles that have the same hobbies of fishing, dirt bikes etc. Now imagine someone coming along and trying to make him live a straight life? He could handle himself just fine but you would also have a large family coming down on you.

 He is the opposite of me, he and many other young people that are gay, lesbian or bisexual, only know a life true to who they are. Trying to erase gay people from this society, would be like trying to put the genie back in the bottle or the toothpaste back in the tube. They don't know what it was like in the closet days but on the other hand, they only know what it's like to lead a sincere gay life. They have family and friends behind them, they have a different strength and are less likely to give up what they have. Even further, this guy has nephews and nieces that look up to him, imagine if one of them turns out to be gay, it will be a totally normal thing in that family.

 Even very different is how his relationship played out. You wouldn't call him a stereotypical gay man... but then what does that even mean nowadays? It appears there were two types of gay men, those that could hide and those who couldn't in the old days. All my empathy and admiration to the ones that couldn't hide. Now these guys that fit the old "straight" mold, don't feel a need to hide anymore and so he started off living the way he was supposed to.

 It's a completely different world for them, they grew up with the right to marry, with politicians marching in pride parades, with famous people proudly coming out, with tv shows about gay people, they grew up seeing themselves in society, how lucky they are. In fairness to this young man, when he came out to everyone, things were just starting to turn around for us, so it still wasn't a simple walk in the park for him. He is younger than me but I really admire him.

 One of my straight friends text me about a contract he has with a young gay couple, he was telling me that they are getting married in the spring. He was joking with me that, other than them getting married, no one would ever realize they were a gay couple. Being a smarty pants like me, he said, "they even have a Lab as a dog and not an Italian Greyhound"! I text back that I know it's wrong but I still get some sort of satisfaction when people are surprised that I'm gay. He text me back, "actually Steve you should feel insulted if they think a regular guy can't be gay".

I want pretty things.

 I just want pretty things and that is in no way a stereotypical thing for a gay man... okay yes it is. I love a pretty song, it's one of my favorite things, it can be happy or sad. This is "Good for me", a song about falling in love, something the other day reminded me of those feelings and I enjoyed briefly reliving them. You won't know this band or song. The band is Above and Beyond, the singer is Zoe Johnston, I like her unassuming nature, like she could be an English teacher or your bank manager, until she starts to sing. I think it's a pretty song.     
                           

Internal Homophobia, Projecting Externally.

 I have noticed the term [ internal homophobia] lately while reading posts on other blogs. Usually it has to do with some uptight guy, fighting tooth and nail against the LGBTQ community, being caught with his pants down... literally. Usually there is another guy (or two) involved, sometimes drugs, sometimes leather harness and sex toys. Most often however the guy is trying to frantically explain, how he thought his buddy was deflating and was just trying to help by blowing him back up again.

 I can understand being afraid to come out, I can understand being worried about rejection, I get it as that was me for a long time. What I don't get is the active harm towards the LGBTQ community that these people work towards. Stranger still is that many of these people (mostly gay/bi men) are involved with members of the same sex, they are actually functioning in homosexual behavior and yet are doing these hateful things as well. All my empathy goes out the window once I hear that.

 Lately I have come into contact with this type of internal homophobia online. At first I tried to be compassionate, I tried to be understanding... then I began to feel mentally assaulted, I became fed up and soon lost my patience. Sorry... but seriously there is something wrong with the way Americans see homosexuality, one hint is they are oblivious to the idea of bisexuality. I'm not trying to pick on my American friends but if I run into trouble with a homophobic guy, on a mostly GAY site, with HOMOSEXUAL and BISEXUAL men, so far it's going to be an American guy.

 Allow me to fill in the blanks. I visit certain sites that are about male sexuality. There are discussion groups and the premise is completely about men, our equipment, what turns us on, off etc, etc. The pictures are focused on men and men's bodies. There is very very little about women here. Mostly the guys who take part are gay or at some level of bisexuality, there is also a smaller group that identify as straight. Like in the blog world, I have made online friends and we chat, this however is where the trouble can start.

 First to be honest, you can call yourself what ever you like.. but I'm suspicious of the "straight" title in an all male forum about men. I say nothing so as not to offend, they could be on a journey of self discovery and this is part of their curiosity. I have these friends, they want to know about my sexual habits, they want to hear what it's like to have gay sex, they often send nude pictures of themselves and ask me what I think of them. Once comfortable with me, they confess to having gay sex with a high school friend, college roommate or while on a business trip with a colleague. They often "find" themselves in a "situation". Like the day they stayed in the gym sauna too long and "they don't know how it happened" but the next thing they know, they are having oral sex with another guy.

 Then one day I started to notice them saying things like, "fruit or fruity" or "you're okay Steve.. for a gay guy" or "I'm not homophobic but I don't like most gay guys". WTF!!! I started to have enough with the homophobic bullcrap and began to point out, that it's not so 100% straight to be on a male only site, talking about penises and how they let their best friend blow them. I suggested that they think about this.

 Melt down, total melt down! That's what began to happen when I would challenge any of these "straight" guys in their thinking. I guess I pulled the pin on their internal homophobic grenade because soon (sometimes within seconds) I would be unfriended and blocked! The seed I planted in their head caused an allergic reaction to thinking I assume. Again I noticed it was always with the American men. I spoke to some of the straight men from other countries and their attitude was more realistic. One guy from Australia said that he identified as straight because that describes him best but that he acknowledged it's not so straight, that he and his best friend like to watch porn together. I had that more realistic view from other countries as well, I know internal homophobia exists in all countries, it's just that all I have recently experienced were from one.

 I lost my cool but I'm okay with that, don't call me "fruit or fruity" or tell me that "you're okay... for a gay guy Steve", when you have had more homosexual experiences than I have. Other gay men began to complain about the homophobia showing up as well, even the cool straight guys began to mention it. There were some good posts from the more sexually aggressive gay men, sort of buzz off, but buzz wasn't the word they used. I feel on a male sexuality site we are the alpha male, sometimes I want to post and say if you're so afraid of your sexuality go somewhere you feel safe. Just don't think you're going to get away with calling me fruit, when you have to repeat yourself because of the penis in your mouth!

Sticking to my resolution!

 January is half over tomorrow... wow how did that happen? Christmas will be three weeks past, or did it actually happen, seems like a dream now. How long until the new year isn't new anymore? I'm still being asked if I made any new year resolutions. The answer is always nnoooooo! Actually I made one a long time ago, I made the resolution that I was never going to make new year resolutions... and I have stuck with that one faithfully! Lol.

 I agree with master Yoda, he makes sense. If you need some special day to declare to the world that you are turning your life around, you're probably going to fail. Either do it or don't do it but I don't want to hear about it, call me when I can see results! I do have a list of things that I try to work on, everyone can improve something about themselves.

 I'm always trying to eat better, I used to be really good at eating healthy, I have fallen off the wagon for many years now. In fairness to me, I still eat healthy compared with a lot of people. I'm slowly cutting back on sugar, I have reached some goals that I set regarding that. No sugar in my coffee and no more drinking pop of any kind. At one time I could go for years without drinking pop. When it comes to snacks, I have a "don't buy it" policy because if there is a box of cookies around, then later there is an empty box around.

 I'm trying to eat more green veggies, I'm actually pleased with how I am following that. I'm eating what I buy, instead of letting it turn brown and throwing it out. Eat lots of broccoli, it has a lot of good chemicals in it, I also like spinach. I'm also eating a lot more fruit (I am what I eat :D) and I find the trick is to wash it immediately and if possible leave it out on the counter because if I see it, then I eat it.  Also a lot of fruit has a better taste at room temperature.

 More sex, yes you read that correctly, I spent my life not having it and I regret that. I'm trying to incorporate more into my life before everything falls off or quits working. It's a fun way to connect with new friends and it's good for mental health. Also in the plans is for me to socialize more with other gay people. The holidays actually slowed that down, as people went to be with family but everyone is getting back into routine. There is winter Pride coming up during Winterlude, that is similar to a winter carnival for the entire city. I know a lot more gay people now and many take part in these events. It will be more fun to go with  people than to stand there feeling alone. I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would regarding this. I haven't been able to attend my gay bowling or gay forty plus groups yet but that's been due to weather and not me chickening out. Well.... once you have taken your clothes off in front of about twenty guys, everything seems easier after that.

 Read more... meh.. well at this I suck... I have to admit that. I bought myself a book for Christmas and still haven't started reading it shame on me! Seriously I am not joking when I say that I feel the internet has made me stupid, well at least more stupid than I was. I also find I can't concentrate on anything, I want all the information in five seconds or less. Imagination, day dreaming, what are those?

 I'm listening and enjoying music again, that's healthy. I'm thinking that I need more culture in my life, I have some ideas and again I either do or do not, hopefully I do! Speaking of healthy, I'm sitting way too much I have realized, at a desk at work, in my car to and from work, at the computer at home. Not good, very bad health wise. It's moments like this where I think it would be good to have a dog.

 These are life things that we all struggle with, some things I will succeed in... others I will fail at. However I am just going to live my life day to day doing the best I can... no matter what the date is.

That visit went well.. tehehe!

 The weather cleared up last night and so I was able to go see mom today. I decided to make her a treat for her birthday, mom's favourite oatmeal cookies. When I got there she was having a good day, she seemed more aware today. When I told mom that it was her birthday and that I have a card for her, she said, "oh thank you very much". I was surprised, normally this wouldn't register. However as I said, she was really more aware today than usual. For example on Christmas day, she had no grasp or concept of Christmas or Christmas day. No matter how many times I said it was Christmas, it never sank in. I don't think she was fully aware that I was even there with her. After the Christmas dinner, I gave her a gift and she kept wanting to go with a friend, so I just let her wander away from me. Today she seemed to understand what I was saying to her. She was even excited to receive a card. When she tried the cookies, she said, "mmmm are these ever good".

 Then we walk... that's a must, we have to get going, so off she went with her cookie and me trying to catch up. I love this place, they have lots of space for the people to walk, they don't drug them into sitting, they don't try to lock them up. They say, "if she wants to walk around, let her walk around"! She is about five times stronger than she was. As much as I liked the first home, I realize they were not really a good place for mom. They wanted all the elderly people to sit and watch tv all day, that way they could get their other work done.

 Suddenly mom asked, "that was good, do you have anymore"? I said yes that we left the cookies in her room. She asked me how do we get back so she could have another cookie. I took her back. This was huge for me, most days now she is not fully aware that I am standing there, for her to be engaging me in a conversation felt awesome.

 I took some pictures and decided to film her. I asked her a question and what happened next made me laugh and cry a little bit. I asked if she knew how old she was. At first she didn't understand and answered in nonsense. Suddenly you see in the clip, her begin to understand what I'm asking and she begins to converse with me.

Me: It's your birthday, do you know how old you are?
Mom: No... no I don't know how old I am.
Me: You're 81.
Mom: Mine is 81! I'm 81?
Me: Yes your 81, it's your birthday.
Mom: I'm... 81! I'mmm eightyyy one! HOLY mackerel!

 Then she takes her cookie and goes again. This made me laugh but also almost cry because her sense of humour came out. It's why the workers love her, she jokes with them all the time, it makes their work day easier. Most importantly it's on video, I was actually just filming to see the response of a person with dementia but instead I was given a little gift of mom showing up for a few seconds. She was having a good day and I just had one too.

81 years.

 This weekend my mom turned 81. Unfortunately because of the weather yesterday and today I was not able to see her. It actually won't matter to her but it mattered to me, I felt a touch lonely not seeing her. It feels almost startling to say my mother is 81, that's a lot of years, that's a lot of time gone by. It's also very difficult to convince people that she had me at 51... but you guys believe me right... right?

 It's sad that I don't really feel this is a great marker or age for her to have reached, more like a cruel mocking in life. There is nothing wrong with 81, all I have to do is look at her older sister of 82. A real active person and still sharp as a tack with her thinking, 80 is the new 65 really applies in her case. They were very similar only mom was more independent from people and my aunt was more social. My aunt and uncle came home for Christmas because they have grandchildren. Just before the new year, they DROVE back down to spend the winter in the states, as they have since retirement.  Mom on the other hand will have to be fed like a baby today and tomorrow and the next day and...

 The number 81 seems like a number I should be talking about regarding a grandparent and not a parent. I will give her a card, she will forget what it is as soon as I finish the sentence, "it's your birthday card". Eighty one also signals me that I'm not a teenager, twenty something or thirty year old, it's almost comical that I'm the one thinking about getting old on my mother's birthday. Sigh, sighhhh! From a little girl on the farm to all your life adventures and back almost to a little girl again, happy birthday mom, I will see you soon.

And in today's weather... Armageddon!

 The weather here today is a little crazy. The weather networks are calling for scattered apocalypse with flurries of armageddon, now I'm not saying that we are having it worse than others... but I think I saw three of the four "end times" horsemen.

 Basically starting from +7 Celsius and ending down around -15, we are to expect rain, freezing rain, hail, sleet, ice pellets, rain mixed with snow, snow, heavy snow. In other words we will experience every weather type from September 20 to February first in a twenty four hour period. It poured rain all last night and today until afternoon, it has been relentless since about 3:00 p.m. with the freezing ice pellets and snow.

I have prepared to lose power. I'm storing water, I have the candles and flashlights ready. Hopefully that doesn't happen but it's not uncommon. Winter in Canada, oh well... only another three and a half months to go!

That other Steven.

 I was texting with one of my straight buddies and we were talking about us growing up etc, etc and about the people we have become. The odd thing is that our personalities are not really different as adults, it's just that we have more life experience that shapes how we react to certain situations.

 I said to my friend, that I often wonder what I would be like if I were straight. The reason I say that is because I was very much a believer in the establishment. I never questioned authority and did what I was told. People who protested, let their looks run wild or listened to crazy music were bad people. Anyone outside of the norm was a bad person in my eyes.

 When I finally admitted to myself that there was something VERY different about me, I began to question everything I was trained to believe. When my friend asked me to elaborate, I said being gay gave me an open mind towards other marginalised groups, I was interested to learn if I was missing something about them, I began to try and see issues from their point of view. Luckily I began to see many were not "bad" they were just misunderstood.

 If I was straight, I wouldn't have to think about these things. I wouldn't be able to relate to the non heterosexual white christian male, I wouldn't wonder about them or how they fit in. I probably wouldn't care that they didn't fit in, I would think that they just needed to try harder. I know that I probably would still be a nice guy, sadly however I think I would only be nice to certain groups. I would like to think that I would be a social justice warrior but the truth is I don't like confrontation and I was a people pleaser, I probably would go along to get along.

 The other thing that I fear is I would have been a complete monster towards my sister. We were like fire and gasoline growing up, I was also very envious of her, she did everything right, I did everything wrong. I imagine myself starting a little family like I was expected to, I imagine out of hatred and immaturity in my early days, driving a wedge between my parents and sister so that I could monopolize their attention. Grandma and grandpa would be happy with the grandchildren and daughter in law; however out of embarrassment, not speak of their lesbian daughter. The thought makes me sick.

 I have read in the last couple of weeks, ( including Bob's blog this morning) the statement that being gay is partly what shapes us as a person. At one time I wouldn't want to admit that but now I know that to be true. Maybe I'm a better person because I'm gay, maybe I'm being too hard on my hypothetical straight self, I will never know. My friend made an interesting point, he's straight and reached the same conclusions without being gay, he asked if that makes him a better person than if he was gay.

Morning call! Someone's dead!

 Snorzzz, snorzzz, snort, snort, snorzzz, snort, fart, snorzzz  -.-  snnnor RING!!! RING!!! O.O The phone is ringing!

 Jump out of bed, find light switch! What's wrong? Must be mom, maybe heart attack! Maybe my sister's partner, maybe something happened to my sister! Maybe a fire somewhere, someone needs help! Must get to phone, must get to phone! HELLO.. HELLO???

 What? What? I'm numb from what I hear! Numb from the white hot rage that builds in me when I realize that not only is it a telemarketer at this time of the morning, it's an automated telemarketer at that! What the hhhheck!

 I'm hoping this isn't going to become a trend, the phones here are close to sixty years old, there is no way to unplug them or turn them off, they are wired directly to the lines. I would have to call in the phone techs and that would be expen$ive.

 I can't believe the nerve of those companies, yet it must work or they wouldn't do that. I haven't had any calls for weeks now. About a month ago I received the call again from the psychic department of Montreal. I should have spoken to them to find out what it's about but unless they produce some winning lottery numbers for me, I'm not interested.

Speaking of people dying, I bumped into a young woman the other day, her mother was in the original home with my mother, her mom has a genetic disease that kills off parts of the brain, many in her family had it. I asked the daughter how was her mom, she said not well, that she was rapidly losing weight. She then said, "I wish it would be over soon, I know people think I'm horrible for saying that but I hate seeing her like that". I told her people can never understand that feeling until they are in the same situation. They don't know what it's like to watch a loved one suffer, they have no clue what it takes to reach the point, where you realize that the person is better off dead... and that wanting to keep them alive becomes selfish at that point. They have no right to judge because many of those thoughtless idiots would be sobbing messes if it was happening to them.

 She sighed a sigh of relief, she knew I understood, actually I could see it on her face that she was relieved that someone understood her. I was thinking she is not even thirty years old yet and already having to deal with so much... because to add to her tragedy, when they found out about her mother, her father was fighting cancer and died of a heart attack.

 Yesterday I heard that the mother died, at least she is not suffering but I can be sad over the fact that this woman was not even sixty yet. I'm sad for the daughter and I hope she doesn't feel any guilt over what she said to me. I actually feel a little envious because now she can fully grieve and then move on with life, whereas my sister and I are still trapped in the longest goodbye as they say.

 That's why I was thinking about the phone call this morning, maybe some day that could happen, maybe I would hear, "we're sorry to tell you Steven but your mother passed away last night". It would be conflicting because it would be sad... not sad.

Senior Kindergarten.

 I was in a store a few days ago and they were selling Christmas chocolates and cookies for a very... very low price. Not one to ruin his resolve of eating healthy, I couldn't resist the temptation. I bought a package of cookies similar to shortbread cookies. I thought they would be nice with tea when my neighbours drop in. On the package the label read, "no artificial colors, additives, corn syrup, fructose/glucose or nuts". That evening when I went to have one or five with my tea, I realized the label was not complete. I think the package should also read, "also does not contain any flavor, taste or enjoyment of any kind".

 Git off mah lawn! I try not to sound like a grumpy old man in the making, the grumpy part I can work on, the old part I can't lol. I was joking with friends the other day who are the same age as me, that we are becoming the junior-seniors, we are entering the junior kindergarten of senior life. It's that same trick as last time, "look Steve, you get to play big boy now, you can try being in school to see how much you like it"! However the trick is there is no alternative, when you say you don't like the new adventure... there's no going back.

 Why can't I have a nice meal dang nabbit! I went to a restaurant the other day, I was hungry and wanted real food, not grease in a box. I had been there twice before and both the food and service were good. This time I got a meal of bbq chicken breast. The mashed potatoes were delicious with a little onion and spices in them, the homemade coleslaw was probably the best I ever had in my life but the chicken... meh or even less than meh. The chicken was dry and the bbq sauce wasn't any kind of bbq sauce that I have ever tasted before, it was very bland, actually a bit worse than bland. To make matters worse, that day I had one of those invisible waitresses, no sign of her anywhere. I just wasn't enjoying my meal, the final touch came in the form of a small fly that was determined to do laps in my tea. I don't spend my time chasing flies away from the dinner table at the farm, I certainly don't expect it out at a restaurant in the city. I probably did the wrong thing, I just paid my bill and left, in my head I was thinking maybe the restaurant was having a bad day. I will give them another chance, I should have told them that I didn't enjoy the chicken. I was thinking later that it's possible they added zucchini to the bbq sauce, something gave it an off flavor.

 Anyway I didn't feel up to complaining, I still tipped the waitress like a goof, smiled, thanked her and left to continue my post Christmas shopping. Maybe I wimped out, I prefer to think of it as me not being a grumpy old guy in the making after all. Oh and as for my dinner companion the fly, he did an almost perfect 9.9 dive into my tea cup!

I think I'm lost?

 I have to be honest here and say I'm feeling a little lost at the moment and a little down. I've come to realize that certain people in my life are not who I thought they were. Some that I thought were going to be a strength to me, that I could count on, have revealed themselves to be unstable in character. I mean personality wise, I'm never sure which personality I will be dealing with, I find that unsettling and immature. There is nothing I hate worse than having to dance around a person or walk on eggshells around them so that they don't become offended by some little thing I said.

 I don't have the patience for this anymore, seriously grow up you babies. I don't do drama... I do driftwood, meaning like a piece of driftwood, I silently float away from you and before you know it, I'm gone from your life.

  Most heartbreaking is one of the people I lean on often, is now preparing to fight for her life. The prognosis looks good but she will need me to present everything in a positive light going forward. She will need to rely on me, I can no longer look to her for support.

 Well... so I'm feeling a little lost, a little alone... very alone tonight if I'm be honest.

Steve's DVD movie review. (Arrival)

 In past posts, I have spoken about movies that I have watched on DVD. The movie could be recent, it could be five or more years old. I was supposed to, at one point make it a feature but I don't really watch that many movies, so that type of post would become a sparse theme. The other issue as well would be that I don't have any understanding of the artistry that goes into telling a story. The only review I could sincerely give is that of my opinion alone.

 Past movies I enjoyed for example that I only saw in the last year or so include Sea Biscuit and The Big Short. This holiday season as I was picking up some stuff, I was going through a bin and saw some movies for only $5, a good deal if you can find something that you think might appeal to you. I saw the movie "Arrival" starring Amy Adams and I thought I might enjoy it, although I was hesitant because I heard many people didn't like it.

 Right away I felt that this was a good find. I have to say that I really, really enjoyed the film. I think the bad reviews were from people hoping there was going to be a space war with aliens and couldn't understand what the film was trying to say. I felt that the reaction in the film of the general public and the non western nations was sadly probably exactly how things would play out. Even with the current US government, the words "take me to your leader" could spell doom for mankind.

 There was a second movie and theme within the film. I suddenly realized what was about to happen at the end and that was an interesting twist, I am not going to mention it, in case someone wants to check the film out. There is the question at the end, if you could see your whole life ahead of you, would you change anything, not go back in time and change it but right from the beginning. That always cuts me deeply because I feel that I haven't lived, that I threw my life away. I would change a lot (hopefully)  but then again it's easy to see what is truly important now that I have life experience, back in my 20s and 30s I saw "important" as something completely different.

 I love a movie that moves me emotionally, makes me think, makes me question and this film did. I also see why I'm hearing the name Amy Adams over and over lately. Especially the scene where she is going to enter the ship and meet the visitors for the first time, she captured the incredible overwhelming feeling of numbing fear a real person would experience if something like this actually happened. This is a film that I'm going to want to watch again in a year or two.

Desire, as in I desire your affection.

 Getting back to my love life, or lack of love life, I'm still getting messages from Mr Right... now. A few weeks ago I had my breath taken away by him. He was getting ready to leave a party and was talking to the host. I suddenly saw him as the young man he once was. He was standing in the shadows and the darkness hide his age, it made his white locks look blonde, he still has a great head of hair. He kept doing that sexy thing guys used to do way back when, roughly run his hand through his hair from front to back, letting it all fall into place. At 6'2 he is a tall man. I could see the echo of the younger version of him.

 It caught me off guard, I couldn't help think of an eighteen years old me, meeting up with this twenty something young man years ago and getting together. He like me however; couldn't accept his attraction to men, so he married a woman and  had three children. Divorced now, he doesn't want to be out and about completely just yet.

 It's nice to be desired, it's nice to be found attractive but... I wish he would think of me at other times than just when he is feeling horny. I don't think he realizes that he wants more, I wish he would just let himself go and follow his heart, I think he is only listening to below the belt.

 As luck would have it, another gentleman is interested in me, unfortunately it's that age old problem, the guy that likes me, I have absolutely no attraction towards, typical! He started sending messages and I have to do that thing where I stay aloof, so that I don't seem unfriendly but at the same time I do not encourage any further connection, also gay or straight, I need to let him preserve his ego. Sometimes when a man likes another man, he can be a little relentless.

 I'm tired of being alone, I received an invitation to a party over the holidays and it read, "since your revelation to us, just know that going forward all our invitations to you are automatically 'bring a friend' for all events". I found that really sweet and there is nothing I would love more than to show up with a friend to an event. The thing is, it has to be someone that desires a connection with me and not just desires me.

Happy New Year!

 HAPPY NEW YEAR! Beep! Beep!

 Should old acquaintance be forgot blah blah blah blah... blah! I'm back! Did you miss me during my time away??? Okay that's it, party is over, knock it off people I'm going to bed now. Shut the lights off when you're done!