Sunday, August 31, 2008

Ten Of The Stupidest

We all, over our life time as gay people have had arrows shot at us directly or indirectly by the stupid comments people can make. As we get older and more accepting of who we are, we also (I feel) form a thicker skin and part of that is realizing the hurtful comments are coming from real idiots, not idiots as in I am angry at them for making the comments, idiots as in actual idiots! It is interesting to note that with most straight people, the more education, intelligence they have and well traveled they are, the more open minded and accepting they are towards gay people. Just for gay bitchy fun I thought I would list ten of the stupidest anti-gay comments that actually have been said to me in the past, little did they know a gay spy was amongst them!

1) Gay people deserve what they get, they are only doing it for attention you know, so if they get beat up or aids they shouldn't come crying to everyone after.
Well so your telling me people hide the fact they are gay for years just to get attention?

2) This gay stuff all started with those hippies and women rights groups in the sixties, gays want their rights like they gave them to the 'blacks' and now look at the mess things are in.
D'uh since the sixties, what about being mentioned in the bible, I think it was written before the sixties bright stuff! I think the last part of the comment can just stand on it's own as far as being dumb.

3) In every gay relationship one is always the wife and one is always the man, does not matter guys or girls.
Yeah and you read this fact where exactly? Not from what I am seeing!

4) Hey did you hear what the letters in F-A-G stand for? Got-aids-yet! Oh no wait a minute I think I said that wrong.
No I think you just said enough for this year.

5) I can always tell a gay guy from everyone else, it is in the way they act and talk, you can just tell, I could never be around one of them.
Ummm, I'm sitting right here, you know, "better to be thought of as a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!"

6) Things would be just so much better for gays, and people would be a lot more accepting if they just hide their whole life style at home out of sight from the rest of us.
I think we tried that for the last couple thousand years and as Dr.Phil says "its just not working for us".

7) You can tell some people are gay even from when they were a small child but you know I don't believe people are born gay, they turn that way when they become an adult, how could a little kid be gay.
Do you ever actually listen to what comes out of your mouth?

8) Gays are gross man, they are always staring at guys, making sexual comments and hooking up with people they don't know and sleeping with them.
Unlike you and your straight friends who drool at girls, make sexual comments as they walk past and pick up girls in bars for a Friday or Saturday night bed warmer. I won't even mention that some of you are married with children and it may shock your dumb ass to know there are a lot of gay men in committed relationships!

9) Being gay is wrong, it is against God.
You told me you don't believe in God.
Then it is against nature.
Well nature made them that way then.
Yeah but it is against something so it is wrong! I would never want a gay kid, I would kick him out of my house!
Well you sold drugs so I guess you would be doing your kid a favour.

10) I have nothing against fags it is just that I don't like those people, maybe that makes me racist not to like them but if I am being racist against them so be it, that is just how I feel.
Fag is probably not the most 'PC' word you could use if you are trying to look 'PC' but I think you would probably want to look up the word racist and compare it to bigoted.

I am sure everyone has come across statements like these in the past and we just have to let the ignorance in which they were made, take the sting out of them. Now an oldie but a goodie, not included in the 'ten' but I am sure you have heard this one over and over like I have, every one's favourite, say it with me... "he just needs to keep looking and he will find the right girl" or "if she just marries a nice guy, after a couple of kids she would settle right down"! Keep looking at the purple sky in your little worlds, the rest of us will go on living in the 'real' world.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

My Blog Anniversary

Today I was thinking of writing in my blog about a few things on my mind, when I realized that today is the one year anniversary of this blog! Wow, a year already, it sure went by fast. I was looking back at some of my earlier posts and I can see where I have grown in many areas of accepting my sexuality. I had made email friends with some people in blog land already, they told me it is a good way to get things off your chest and also a way to meet other people in the same boat, I thought "I would like to try this." I remember writing my first post, my heart was pounding, I was so nervous, I thought what if people read my post and tell me to shut up and get out of the closet, what if they say I am betraying my gay brothers and sister by hiding, what if they think it is childish. Then I relaxed and figured go ahead and try it, if no one likes what I have to say, they just won't read my blog. It all started with this post called 'Awakening'. I am still learning to deal with my feelings and coming out, I still find it hard but I feel so different from the lonely, isolated guy who wrote that post a year ago.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Visitor

This past week was, as promised by the weather man, beautiful and sunny. Due to the weather I went home to help out the folks make hay while the sun still shines as they say, literally! It can be dirty and hard work but sometimes it is almost refreshing being a straight forward task that gets a person out on the land and into the sunshine. I know these will soon be the last days I need to help out like this, as not only is fall drawing near, but my Dad is in his early 70's and will retire one of these days, this year or next. Farming is in some people's blood and they just refuse to quit until their body does.

I still really like the country and miss parts of living there, I like city life as well but I would not want to live in the down town core. My ideal place would be about ten to twenty acres just outside the city. Far enough to be quiet and have space to breath, however close enough to have all the extras within a thirty minute drive.

On my third day playing farmer boy, it was a really hot day and I had stopped my tractor to take a break (did you like that, yes a gay man driving a tractor, very butch right). I was thinking about how peaceful it was around where I was working and how family members worked this land for generations. Where the fence lines where placed and how the fields were planned and cleared, had been decided by family members who were long dead by the time I came along. I suppose they would be rolling in their graves to know the dream of this farm ends with my Dad, that he had a gay son who would rather work in a comfy office and will never have children of his own. Sometimes I get nostalgic like that but then I think, even if I was straight and took over this place, does not mean that my children would be interested in staying. Many kids grew up here and left to spread out all over Canada and the States.

Sitting there thinking these thoughts, my peace was suddenly broken by the sight of a motor cycle making it's way through the forest paths to get to where I was working. At first I felt pretty ticked, I was thinking it was some of the local goof-ball teens that drive everyone nuts with their dirt bikes and ATVs, I figured they found the road and were trespassing. I pulled out my shotgun, no just kidding that is a hill-billy thing, not a Canadian farmer thing. As the bike approached I thought to myself "does that bike ever look like Dave's bike" then as he came near I suddenly realized it was Dave! I had a lot of emotions, I was so happy to see him, I had been missing him but I was also thinking, "oh shit my boyfriend is here, with my parents here as well!" He pulled up to where I was sitting and even though he had his helmet on, I could see he had a big grin on his face. As he got off his bike, our little red Australian cattle dog who was snuggled up with me, took one look at this six foot three thing in a suit and had a complete melt down, normally she loves everyone but I honestly think she wanted to take him down a foot or two! Dave is not afraid of dogs but she certainly made him back away from me. After they made friends we sat down in the grass and I asked him how the heck he found me. He had found our place by remembering my Dad's name and then met my Mom at the house, she then told him how to find me. He said as soon as he said he was looking for me, she said to him "oh your Steve's friend" they had a nice talk and then he came looking for me. My Dad was in another field and drove over in his old pickup, I was wondering how he would react as he would be tired. When he pulled up he looked at Dave's sport bike and asked if he wanted to trade him the bike for his old truck, whew! A good sign Dad was not mad at someone showing up in the middle of work, I thought he might be annoyed but he was interested in meeting Dave. They talked for a short while.

We had a lot of work to do so my father excused himself and went back to work. Dave teased me for a kiss, I said "not on your life", don't worry Dave does not kiss me in front of his Dad even though his Dad has no problem with it, he is just a bugger to pick at me like that. Later that evening I over heard my parents talking about Dave so I listened in. My Dad with his Irish roots that were not lost over the past generations said, "he seems like a nice young lad" and my mother said "yes and he is so tall, in that suit with his helmet on, no wonder the dog went nuts, he must of looked like a big Sasquatch to her!" Now of course I told this to Dave when I saw him next and we both had a good laugh over it. I also have to hand it to Dave in that he knows how to operate around me. If I were going to introduce him to my parents, I probably would have fussed and worried about it for days, this way he just stopped in like any of my friends and every thing went smooth, no big deal.

Back in the city over this past weekend, we happened to be down town and who should we bump into but my sister. She was glad to finally meet Dave and we laughed as I said this is my 'boyfriend' Dave. They seemed to hit it off and she invited him to come with me to her annual Halloween dinner. She even teased him by saying he had to wear a costume or she would make him wear a dress, he got her back by saying he would wear his own dress that he keeps in the closet. She looked at him and I cracked up because I could tell by her face she was not sure if he was joking or serious. Then he said no that him wearing a dress was never going to happen, "whew" on my part. Later he joked about wanting to meet my family and having done it all in one weekend. Well so there, Dave met the folks, another step taken. I figure they will either just see him as a friend or if they figure it out some day, it will be a lot easier to accept if they already know and like him.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Please Just Stop that music!

I noticed that every gay club I go to, seems to play the same three or four songs over and over, I have no problem with the actual songs, it is just the continuous playing of them. It became almost too much at the parade as every float in the parade was playing 'Please don't stop the music' by Rihanna, or 'I kissed a girl and I liked it' by Katy Perry and the third title slips my mind but it also plays continuously. After the parade was over, while at the gay picnic they had guest DJs and yes, as each one came out they kept playing the same songs! Of course they did mix in other songs as well, however some songs just get into a person's head and you can't get them out. Then finally some live music came on stage, I was thinking "good a change in the tunes" now wait for it, guess which songs they played! Later that night I sat up in bed and Dave asked what was wrong, I said I could not sleep and also all I could hear in my head over and over was "please don't stop the music, please don't stop the music, please don't stop the music", aaahhh, please STOP the music! Alright, okay so today I gave up and listened on Youtube over and over to try and get those songs out of my head, aaaaahhhh! Listen if you dare! Oh well at least they finally stopped playing 'YMCA' and 'You Spin Me Round' after all these years!

The third song is 'When I grow up' by Pussycat Dolls, I remembered because it came back into my head, over and over!

Monday, August 25, 2008

The Gay Eden

Yesterday was the Pride Parade in my city and I was really looking forward to going. I had been to others before but this time I was out to a lot of people who would be there plus I would have Dave with me. Unfortunately guess who forgot their camera at home so no pictures as I had planned. When we first got there, I was a little disappointed that there did not seem to be the crowd as other years, however as usual once the Parade was under way, there were thousands of people coming out from every where. I think it was one of the biggest crowds I ever saw. The parade itself was actually small this year, it was also very tame compared to other years or other cities. The only really on the edge sight were three pairs of boobs exposed (boobs blah), even the BDSM group was boring, girls with the ball in their mouth and guys on a dog leash, already saw that in almost every comedy movie out there. Honestly that is fine with me because a lot of straight couples were there with their families and gay parents had their kids in the Parade as well, so it was good I think to be kept decent. We were given so many little gifts as the parade went past I said to Dave it was almost like a gay christmas. We met some of Dave's friends along the way, I really enjoyed it and as the parade made it's way through the streets we followed the last float to where there were events and music planned at the city Hall.
After the Parade turned out to be my favourite part of the day. It is not a wild street party like other cities, more like a huge gay picnic in a park setting with music etc. It was fenced off and there was a small cover fee to enter. Once inside it was like the world had reversed, now the norm was gay people were the majority and there was such a freedom to it that I just can't describe. It was almost overwhelming for me, We could walk around, hold hands, cuddle up on the grass together, kiss and not have to worry about any smart asses around us looking for trouble. It was so mind boggling also to look at everyone and know that 95% were gay or bi. Sometimes I would watch a guy that was so handsome, so straight looking and think he must be here to support a friend, only to see him walk over to another really really handsome straight looking guy, put his arm around him and lovingly kiss him. Same for really pretty women that in my mind I knew were probably gay but they sure did not fit the stereo types we are shown of what a lesbian is suppose to look like.

I found some of my friends and it felt awesome to introduce Dave to them as my boyfriend. They kept telling me they were so glad that I finally came out and we have been invited to two parties coming up in the fall. Dave would point out some of the more outrageous people at the picnic, men dressed as women who probably should not, men dressed as women who are fabulous, men dressed as women who wear it really well, leather harness guys, butt chaps guys and other really out of this world costumes. I on the other hand am bored by this, I would just say 'big deal', I mean if they are having fun then no problem but to me 'some' are just looking for attention, plus I saw this before so there is nothing new here to me. What I was looking at were the real people and how they functioned. Like a lesbian couple who's child had a cute t-shirt that said "I was hatched by two chicks", or the group of children in the parade that belonged to a camp for children of gay parents, a place they said where they can just make friends without the rude comments from other children who carry their parents ignorance. It was nice to see them running around the park just being kids together and I totally understood the freedom they were feeling. It was also nice to see the range in ages, from young teens to seniors wearing the colours. Of all the sights I saw, the one that struck me the most was a straight couple together at the park. The husband was a very handsome man and the woman was really pretty, they were probably in their late 30's to very early 40's, walking around together they had matching t-shirts on that said "Proud Parents" on the background of the pride flag. I just thought wow! Wow! Wow! Some lucky teen is walking around here with his friends and his parents are here loudly saying "we love you, we support you and it is totally okay to be gay", now how must that feel, I am sure with that support no one can make him or her feel ashamed. Dave said "that is so beautiful" all I could say was yes.

The day began to wind down, it was getting dark and people were leaving. I knew we should leave soon as Dave had to run into his work sometime that day, someone had broke into his work building and he had to check out the damage. I kept asking to stay a little longer and I realized why, this was a dream world for me, my 'gay' world as I often mention here, however now it was not just imaginary, it was an actual place, like a gay Eden where you were let in to enjoy the peace of just being yourself, where for once I was swimming with the current and not against. I did not want to step outside of the gates, I did not want this freedom to end, finally I let out a sigh and said "lets go". We left and I felt almost lonely inside as the music and laughter faded behind us, cast out once again into the straight world. Walking to the car a few streets over some people took a shocked look at the rainbow beads we were still wearing, as if we were wearing snakes and worms around our necks, who would think coloured beads could make such a statement. It was sad to leave but I did have a really good time and I think it gives a person that extra boost, knowing we are not a lone.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Rainbows All Around

Since this is the beginning of Pride week in Ottawa, it certainly is fitting then that the week began with rainbows and the constant rain we have received all summer stopped. The entire week calls for sun sun and more sun. In this city the week leading up to the parade is considered Pride week, the city is behind it and even flies a rainbow flag at city hall. There will be events all week and Dave and I may try to take some in. The reverse side to all the sun is a lot of my family members live on farms and are really in trouble with all this rain, setting them back months in their work that needs to be finished by fall, so family come first with me over fun.

With the parade coming up, I keep hearing the same old, same old, you know the same whining lady that manages to get her pointy nose on camera and say "umm... errr.... wwwwhy do they need a parade, no one gives us a parade because we are straight". I used to actually be embarrassed by the parades, I saw them as a freak show. I often wondered why every guy wore a dress and every woman looked like a biker. I 'used' to think if they wanted acceptance, why not act "normal". Once I started going to the parades I saw there were a lot of very ordinary looking every day people there, it is just that these people do not make for good news clips and sound bytes, so they will never make it into the main stream news. I also understand that for some people, being a man and wearing a dress is their "normal", it does not hurt me so the more power to them if it makes them happy. Why a parade, well after seeing another clip of someone yet again whining about this, we need a parade to keep us in your face, yes that may seem a tad aggressive to say but it is the truth. We are not going to go away, this is not a fade, we will not give this up and go on to something new and trendy. We have been around ever since humans could record time. We will give up having a parade when we see gay couples represented in commercials, plus not have a boycott of the company that was trying to be inclusive, when we don't have to fear for our jobs or fear not getting promotions because of it, even in protected places like Canada it still happens. We will stop when being gay is just like having blue eyes, being tall or bald, we will stop when there are no longer organized groups that spend their every waking hour trying to keep us down, quiet, ashamed, we will stop when people no longer feel it is their duty to beat or even kill a person for no other reason than they are gay. As for a straight parade, when you have lost your job, been forced to stay quiet about a loved one, used as a scapegoat by preachers or beaten nearly to death for being straight, then you can have your own parade too lady! Unless they have a bitchy whiners parade, then you can be Grand Marshal.

On the brighter side of things, this is quite a small city but there are nearly 35000 people that line the streets to watch the parade and take part in the events after, so there is certainly support for us, besides it is just a really fun day 'out'. I am really excited about going this year because I have Dave to go with now plus I am out to (and will know) dozens of gays and lesbians who will be there also. I am going to support my gay brothers and sisters but also on the shallow side of my personality, I am hoping it is going to be really hot and sunny so the muscle guys take off their shirts! Rainbows all around to everyone! The bitter boring people can stay at home, although most like to come also and take part in the fun with the excuse that they wanted to carry bible quotes on signs, but we all know they are checking out buns and packages (foot tap tap tapping).

Friday, August 15, 2008

Twenty Gay Things I've Learn

This week there is a lot of activity regarding pride week and parades between my city and the neighboring city. If we can, Dave and I will try for the Montreal gay pride parade this weekend. As a gay blog which was based on my coming out, I want to write for a little while about gay and coming out issues in keeping with that theme.

When I finally listened to my inner gay voice calling, or should I say shouting, pleading, screaming, begging, I learned a few things about being gay and gay people in general. It is a whole separate world from the straight world and yet the same in many ways as well. I decided to list a few observations I made and you can agree or disagree based on your experience.

1) There are as many gay men, if not more, who are as into trucks, cars, motor cycles, sports, nature as there are gay men into fashion, plays, musicals, books and art galleries.

2) For every out loud and proud gay person you bump into in any city, there are probably another ten that you meet and have no clue about.

3) There are probably as many gay men that kick back with a beer, can't dance, like country or heavy rock music, never went to a museum on their own, have no clue about the name of any designer and like to have a peaceful evening at home, as there are gay men who drink martinis, can shake their booty to the floor, like sappy or dance music, haunt places of culture, have shrines to models or designers and like to party wild until dawn.

4) When your gay-dar goes off about people and you think it is broken, more than likely it is working fine, they just have not worked things out for themselves yet.

5) When you think you are the only gay person in the family and friends setting around you, there are others as well, if you stop to think about it, you sort of know each other is gay but say nothing for years until one starts the domino effect.

6) People will surprise you when they find out. Some who you thought would be upset by it will stick by you and others you thought were open enough to deal with it may shut down.

7) If you believe you have everyone fooled into thinking you are straight... you don't, people "know" and just don't want to meddle.

8) Again, people will surprise you with their responses upon telling them. Not all will say "I had no clue!" Not all will be bad or tell you to "date a nice girl and it will change." You will get "I knew but was waiting for when you were ready to tell me" or "I suspected but felt it was not my business" and "why tell me this, it has no reflection on our friendship, it is your life, live it as you want to".

9) Society is not a straight world with a few gay people in it, the number of one in a hundred is what I felt it used to be, however now that my eyes are open I believe one in ten and maybe even two out of every ten when counting gays, lesbians, transsexuals and the wide swing in sexual attraction to the degree of bisexuality in people, some who even still consider themselves as straight.

10) Some people know they are gay from a very early age, some don't understand their feelings until much later in life, the younger generations I believe will do better as they have more information and now finally role models.

11) More education about the GLBT community for ignorant people who spread hate and block our every move will not work. These are a group of people who do not want to learn the truth, they choose to believe only lies to strengthen their case against us, so there is no point in getting upset when they refuse to listen to any research about homosexuality.

12) The issues surrounding gay relationships are mainly the same as straight relationships, who will take out the trash etc, no matter what Hollywood says.

13) Like every relationship, some are very sexual and some are not, the myth of gay men especially, having sex 24/7 is just that, a myth. Gay people are not "gays" they are all individual people who happen to be gay, with tastes and likes same as everyone.

14) There is a whole hidden world that goes on around people in the straight world, if you keep your eyes closed to it and stay in the closet you are missing out on a lot of great living.

15) A large number of gay people do not take part in any religion, not because they have chosen to follow a self centered life style, it is because most have been made to feel unwelcome and unwanted in their faiths.

16) Hiding in the closet for years can make us become so obsessed with keeping our secret, that it skewers our view of the outside world, making the cycle repeat and worsen.

17) There are a lot of straight people out there who quietly support us.

18) As much as some of us feel that we can't relate to the really fem, leather and outrageously loud gay people, we have to put aside our annoyances with some of them and be thankful to them for literally opening the gates for the rest of us. Pride Parades are still much needed and are really just a fun event for the GLBT community, only the wacky right see it as a political statement.

19) Jack is just a funny character on Will and Grace who I can enjoy now. He does not turn the world against me, I no longer have to feel misrepresented by him.

20) Finally, it is true when gay people say there is a freedom to coming out. Pick your right moment but don't use it as an excuse to hide, there is a weight lifted off of a person's shoulders. Also once you make gay friends and know there are people behind you, it begins to matter less and less what others think about your sexuality.

Talking with people in blog-land was a safe and painless way for me to begin my coming out process. The blog world is a great way for a closeted person to get the encouragement and support to begin coming out. Gay blog writers and those who write blogs in support but are straight, tend to be friendlier, more open, supportive, encouraging, smarter, sexier (inside or out), funnier and have much larger penises than the average person (except the women, they are smarter because all the extra blog brain cells just went to one head to think with). It is a proven fact!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Gay World vs Straight World

The other day I happened to be talking to another blogger and we were commenting how we both live in two worlds. He like me, are both in the process of coming out and like me, most of his close friends know plus a few family members. The strange thing that has happened for me is when I started to date Dave, I created a whole other life for myself just by association with Dave. In this world everyone knows me as being gay, they met me through Dave as his boyfriend. It is as if stepping into another world where I have always been gay. I spend time with his family who know and accept that I am gay, his neighbors, his friends and his coworkers, all of who know and never think twice about my sexuality. In fact it can be over whelming in a positive way that, not only do they not give a hoot that I am gay, they are actually really happy for Dave that he has met such a great guy (see, great guy that's me, well thought I would slip that in, my bad) and it feels good to have people happy about our relationship, not running for the holy water because of it.

Flash back to the past weekend, there was a huge 50'th celebration for members of my family. I was invited to a very large garden party to help celebrate it. Standing in a large crowd of relatives and old family friends, I never felt so lonely and out of place as I was there. This is the last remnant of my straight world, here I am still straight, here would be the greatest resistance to me being gay. I was very uncomfortable and seeing everyone with their families made me miss Dave greatly. The straight world, my straight world, very country, very catholic and very ignorant towards gay people. This is a part of my life that I no longer want to be in and I work now not to have to put myself into this position. Coming out gay here would just be a huge battle and I don't feel like I have the energy or time to be bothered explaining myself to people.

Most of my friends know I am gay and the result is they are blending into my gay life - my gay world. It just feels so right or comfortable to live like this. The two worlds are beginning to collide however, some of Dave's friends know people from places around my home town, sometimes when I am out with Dave we meet people who know my family. This used to panic me, it still does at first and then I think "well if they tell, then I don't have to" and I just accept it and move on. I want to be honest and say it is still very hard, it is just that now I don't have the energy, or even really care to fight against it any more, and really... what am I fighting against... the truth?

Monday, August 11, 2008

One Moment In Time

This time last year I was totally frustrated, this time last year I felt the true me was bursting to get out. I no longer wanted to stay completely in the closet but was so afraid of what would happen. I had visions of people being angry with me, ashamed of me to the point of no longer wanting to associate with me. I felt and was so alone, scared, confused, people could be around me but still I felt as if I was in a vast desert with no one in sight for miles. I couldn't stand living this false straight life any longer, I was too tired to fight who I really was inside, the stories, the lies, the denials were all starting to fall apart and I could not take it any more. I wanted to tell at least one person I was gay, I wanted someone on this huge globe with billions of people to know the real me. I just could not get up the nerve and did not know how to get the sentence out. I could see the days passing me by and I was missing out on the many wonders of what being human was all about. I had never been in love, I had no one to share my life with and I had never really had a chance to take part in the every day gifts that being in a relationship brings.

One moment in time, one moment that changed the course of this ship. I had been wanting to tell my close friend Eric but I just could not do it. I felt so frustrated inside, over whelmed like trying to swim against a strong current. I had been so completely obsessed with hiding being gay, that I did not know any other way of life. One year ago tonight we were out for an evening and we bumped into a lesbian couple that I knew. At first I was afraid, he would talk about it after they left, he had started to notice that I never dated anyone, he might ask me questions and I did not want to talk about anything 'gay' as some anti-gay alarm might go off and the whole world would know I was gay also. He said he had no problem with gay people and then he asked, "what about you, are you gay"? One moment in time, in a split second my mind raced with how to answer. Do I say the usual "oh shut up I think you are gay" to pretend to laugh it off and change the subject. Do I finally take this opportunity and admit the truth, almost a gift handed to me as I will only be answering him. I was thinking if I say yes then there is no going back. Yes no yes no yes no, these two words were streaming through my mind at light speed. I almost felt dizzy, one moment, one moment in time, I closed my eyes and said... "yes".

A whole year now since I heard the first "click" of the closet door opening, a whole year since the weight on my shoulders began to fall away. For anyone out there in this process, my only regret so far is that I did not do it sooner. I remember feeling angry with blog writers who constantly said come out, that it is a type of freedom, however I see now they were right all along. Of course you have to do it in a smart way and choose the people who you first come out to but it is the right thing to do. I feel much happier and more relaxed with who I am and it may sound strange but I feel more 'honest' now around my friends, not like I am being dishonest by hiding something on them. One year ago today was my cross road, my moment where I decided a major change in my life and in that moment of time I am so glad I said the simple word "yes".

Friday, August 8, 2008

Do You Believe?

Do you believe, no I am not talking about the latest X-Files movie. I am talking about what you believe in, as in a religion, personal faith or do you just have a life motto. I am just not sure what I believe in any more. As I get older and more cynical, or should I say more aware, I am finding that the most dishonest people are the ones involved in religions. Not so much the every day Joe that belongs to a specific religion, more with the leaders or just the entity of that particular religion. Some I truly believe don't start out that way or may not mean to be deceitful, but they often begin to be so blinded by their dogma, that no one is allowed to question anything without it being considered a threat. Others I find it is a personal philosophy and they will distort the truth and the words of what ever holy book they use to make the teachings fit into their way of thinking. I find when people become really religious, they begin to see things everywhere to validate their point. The trouble with that way of thinking is every religion sees the same signs and miracles that to them, prove their belief is the only correct one.

Seeing now how people will distort the truth, greatly embellish stories and selectively remember past experiences, makes me wonder the accuracy of any religious book thousands of years old. What is the truth now, I sometimes wonder if God has set the universe on auto pilot and 'we' being a very self centered creature, believe he spends all his time worrying over us. I wonder if he tries to direct us from time to time, by sending people from every part of the globe with a 'better way of life' message, and 'we' as usual get the message screwed up totally ignoring the content. Search for the truth, that is what we are told, however when we hold up the truth, sometimes we see lies in many belief systems, often covered up with more lies and forced ignorance on the followers. What truth then do we follow, a convenient truth that is made up to support a belief, however if it is made up, well isn't that a lie. I respect every one's religion, I think it is generally good for society, however I don't always respect what people choose to believe within that religion. I see things very differently now than I did when I was younger, don't worry I am not trying out any new age practices like reading crystals, pagan rituals or the new church of Oprah. Now some of the past stories I was told, are just that to me, stories with a moral to them, but never the less still just stories.

I am just curious about what you believe in, do you feel comfortable enough to say in the comment section or send me an email. Do you believe in God? What religion do you practice your faith with? I actually know a lot about different religions so feel comfortable to tell me without worrying about having to explain to me what it is about... well unless you are Tom Cruise or part of the 'Flying Spaghetti Monster' clan (yes it is actually a spoof religion). Do you believe in God but don't practice any part of religion, and do you not think this behaviour shows that maybe, really deep down inside you don't believe in God? If you don't believe in God, were you raised that way? Did something happen to make you stop believing in something. For people that are part of a faith, is it the same as your parents? Have you always been religious or did you come to it later in life. Do you think about God more as you age or less? I know there is a huge swing between people in the blog world, I am just wondering about the people who come to this blog. Finally, if you just are not sure about any of this, that is an honest answer as well.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Of Mouse and Man

I like to switch back and forth in my posts from serious, to every day, to silly. I do not want to become a dramatic soap opera as I feel that could become boring to my thousands of (okay eleven) readers plus that is not who I am. I try not to dwell on the rough areas that life throws at people. I would not want people to think I am shuffling around listening to sad songs all misty eyed. As I said before, most of the time when I am with Dave, I am usually fairly happy and we are doing something silly like having a water fight (he needs to learn no smart ass comments when I am holding a garden hose with a spray attachment on the end) we can be like two kids most of the time and we spend a lot of it laughing and teasing each other. I did have a lot of fun helping him build his work shop with his family and it was actually pretty hot watching my man in action (he needs to learn no smart ass comments when he is up in the shop loft and I am holding the ladder which is the only way down from there, as it can suddenly go missing) I even learned a lot about construction-ish stuff.

...............................The Great Mouse Caper....................

It was a dark and stormy night, no really it was a dark and stormy night, wow I have always wanted to be able to write that. Anyway Dave had already gone to bed as I complained... er... um... I mean mentioned that he likes to go to bed early. I on the other hand was not sleepy and so came back down stairs to watch some TV. After about an hour I could hear a storm approaching. I turned off the TV and went into the kitchen to watch the lightning as the storm was getting closer. In the garden Dave has those soft solar lights which gently light up the paths he made through the beds of flowers. While watching out the window I saw the silhouette his little cat zipping through the garden, I figured she would probably want to come in to avoid the rain so I opened the door and called her. I could barely see her in the darkness but I knew it was her by the white markings she has. She was happy to see me and came running up onto the deck and in the door as fast as her little legs could go. The lights were off in the kitchen and so I could not see her once inside, but as I closed the door and walked towards the living room, I suddenly had a sinking feeling as the scurrying sound on the floor told me that she brought something in with her! I hoped it was just a frog or toad, the thing with Dave's cat is that she is small but has the strongest prey drive that I ever saw in a cat, she will go after animals that most cats would avoid (even going into a creek after small ducks). I was dreading a rat, black squirrel or worse, a water rat which are huge and have a nasty bite. I turned on the light to see a mouse sitting in the middle of the floor. It made a dash for me and I did the "don't crawl up my pant leg dance", (well I was actually in my boxers but that would have just been worse) as it rounded a corner to escape. Having survived the mouse assault I had to think what I was going to do, if it were to escape under the stove or fridge, how would I explain to Dave that I let a mouse into his house. The cat was on him as quick as a shot, I figured let nature take it's course but she has a nasty streak in her where she likes to play with her food. In a move where she would playfully look up at me as if to say "look Steve what fun we can have" she would bat him and send him flying into the air and then it would hit the ground running (mostly in my direction). I don't have a problem with mice really, I am not afraid of them nor do I hate them, but still when something shoots between your bare feet it can give you a bit of a rise. I was sure he was going to get away if I could not catch him myself or get him to go out the door. I was quickly looking for a pail or something to catch it with. Like I said I don't hate mice but it was time to end this cruel cat and mouse game as I was not able to catch him live so I ended it quickly.

The cat was not so pleased with me, she gave me the dirtiest look I ever saw a cat give someone. I am not sure if it was because I ruined her game or if the mouse was my gift and it is like when you return an ugly sweater someone gives you for Christmas. I tried to scoop up the mouse to throw it outside, the cat thought this was another game and kept knocking the mouse off the newspaper I was trying to scoop it up with. I was so hoping Dave would not come down at this time, imagine the scene of me in my underwear wrestling his cat for a dead mouse. I listened and could hear him still snoring. At this time the cat suddenly realized what I was trying to do, grabbed the dead mouse ran around the kitchen and then suddenly crunched down the mouse with sound effects that has kept me from eating chips for days, even slurping up the tail. She looked at me, I looked at her, I said "there is no way I am leaving you in hear" as she likes to wake us up in the morning by putting her face in our ears to get us up, I did not want to smell mouse breath. I open the door and back out into the night she went.

I went to bed, as I slipped under the covers Dave woke up and asked "everything okay?" I just said yes and told him to go to sleep, I figured I would wait until the next day to explain how the circle of life played out in his kitchen... well after we had breakfast.

Look at me, I'm wittle and cute and would never cause any trouble.

Yes mice every where be on the look out for "baby face" Toby, it may be the last face you ever see... muahahaha!