Thursday, January 31, 2019

The "Buzz" Today.

 Everyone was buzzing at work after lunch. I asked what was wrong, apparently a guy who works in the offices upstairs, went away for a couple of weeks and came back this week a woman. I have an idea who it might be, there was a young person that I felt was in some sort of transition. I don't know anyone from that group so anything beyond that is just workplace gossip. I really liked one of the responses from an older technician when one woman started asking him if he had any extra information. He said that he has enough to worry about regarding his work load than to worry about something that is none of his business. Everyone went back to work thankfully, they got the message.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

"They" as in the gays.

 I'm currently working for a group that has a lesbian as the lead engineer. It's so amazing but she takes coffee breaks, eats lunch and wears socks... just like normal people do! It's funny to hear the comments when she is not around. They are not hateful comments, at least we seem to be past that point. They are basic lack of knowledge comments regarding gay people, statements made out of ignorance. It's comical to see how some people are surprised by gay couples and the totally mundane tasks that they do... just like everyone else has to do.

 I guess I shouldn't mention to them about the magical unicorn dust that every gay person uses to complete boring household chores, like cooking dinner or doing laundry. This way we have more time to listen to ABBA while applying glitter to all our clothes and reading poetry.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Translation for the elderly please!

 Last week two younger radio hosts were giving an older host a hard time over phrases. The older host is my age so still young, hip and cool like me. The phrase was "Netflix and chill", apparently among the younger crowd it means, why don't you come over, we'll watch a movie and then have sex after. Did you guys know about this!?! I didn't get the memo! I can't believe this! I can't count how many times I have turned people down because I don't really like watching movies, I thought it was about movies!

 The younger hosts went on to say that Netflix and Chill is actually a thing of the past now, nobody uses it! Now I'm going to be paranoid that I will miss some new phrase, one of my friends is going to ask me something harmless like maybe we should go for waffles and I'm going to panic, not knowing if we're going out to eat or should I wear a jockstrap and bring condoms. Being down with it... is hard work!

Sunday, January 27, 2019

Now where do I go?

 Often we hear the phrase, "life is a journey, not a destination". I always liked that statement because I feel we are always on a journey, it's the only way our little minds can cope with constant change and if I have learned anything... it's that life = change. Alternatively if you believe that life is a destination, there is only one destination that we all reach sooner or later and that is a depressing thought regarding life.

 On our journey through life, we have many side journeys. I had become obsessed with my sexuality and placed a lot of focus on that journey. I think we often have to forgive ourselves when we get to a place where we are finally comfortable with where we are. We can't beat ourselves up (which I do) for not arriving sooner, it's healthier to think, "how did I get here, what correct steps did I take". Looking back we will see that it usually wasn't an "ah ha" moment, it was probably many little moments that add up over time.

 One of my side journeys, like many of you, is spirituality, I was raised in a Catholic home, we went to church every Sunday and holy days, I attended Catholic school, almost every neighbour around me was also Catholic. I can't tell you the suffering I had, the hatred, bigotry, homophobic bullying... no actually I'm kidding, I know many expect me to say that but it's not true. We were also lucky to have many kind priests and nuns like the Julie Andrews character, not those ruler beating kind. My parents, (especially my Dad) were very religious but it was more about a personal relationship with God than being a self righteous butt wipe.

 I always found religion interesting, I wanted to learn about it but not just my religion, I loved hearing about other religions. Sometimes I felt inside that it was cute in an innocent child like way, how people in other religions just accepted their stories. It would make me smile when people started telling me that a crow or a turtle would do something like open a clam or an egg and two people jumped out and started humanity. There comes a time however; when all your own stories that don't add up... start to add up. Talking turtles, talking crows or talking snakes with apples stop making sense to practical people.

 Suddenly the path I was on ended but instead of a fork in the road, I found myself standing in an open field. What direction am I supposed to take from here? I often read about people saying that they choose to follow "this particular religion" or they choose to be an atheist. I didn't "choose" anything, if it makes any sense, as I go through life, I feel like something is choosing me. I'm a realist, I prefer to rely on evidence based results, I "believe" in facts. I do however; have an open mind because I like to learn. If an angel suddenly appeared in downtown Ottawa, during the day, when everyone is sober, to all people religious and non religious, with cameras around that didn't conveniently stop working and said, "hey guys we are the real deal", my belief system would not collapse.

 I know that science is studying things like dark matter and dark energy, some say that what we perceive around us may only be about ten to twenty percent of reality so there is a great unknown. One day maybe there will be a discovery that will shock us. Until then I find myself standing in this field feeling a little lost but also at the same time... a little free.

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Spending the night with Stu.

 I'm having Stu tonight, Stu can be so hot, I love Stu, so yummy tasting... oops stupid spell check, I mean stew as in homemade chicken stew. It has been simmering all day and I was having day dreams about some homemade stew all week. Some of the vegetables are from my garden so I was looking forward to the fresh taste.

 However (fffuck) I had to buy carrots and I didn't notice that they picked up a musty smell and taste from wherever they had been stored before reaching the supermarket. The cooking brought out the awful flavor and there is nothing I can do to save it. It tastes like the smell of an old damp basement. There is nothing more satisfying than having a good project ruined.

Well at least it looks good... :(

These are my purple potatoes and my regular potatoes. I like the purple ones slightly better, they have more flavor however I don't know what will happen now.

Friday, January 25, 2019

A bit too late.

 Meanwhile back at the ranch, we find our gay hero contemplating a relationship between Adam or Mabel the cow. At least Mabel listens better and is much more predictable. Suddenly Adam sees me as a potential boyfriend or at least someone to hang out with boyfriend-ish like. I thought of Adam as boyfriend material once, I really liked him at first and could see trying to make something work between us. The thing is that now I see him as flaky, we might enjoy ourselves for a while but I no longer have any trust in him. Instead of feeling excited at the prospect of a new relationship, I envision the difficulties that will come between us. I see dating him as a chore now and not a great life moment.

  He certainly has been asleep at the wheel, he was obsessed with flip flopping around regarding relationships. Right now, I no longer have any interest in a relationship with him, he waited too long, was too indecisive. He is too late or... he is really going to have to work at this.

Monday, January 21, 2019

Neighborly Down Through The Years.

 Over the weekend we plunged into the -30 Celsius range, in Deedles (or Fahrenheit) that is about -23 F, at that temperature I can think of another word that begins with "f". The unusual part was we got walloped with a lot of snow and high winds that caused huge drifts. Mother nature was not sticking to her deal she made for winter. Usually the deep frigid weather is offset by clear sunny days. The air on freezing cold days is dry as a desert so it doesn't snow. That is until this past weekend.

 I ran into trouble because my old tractor has a senior citizens clause in her contract, she doesn't work below -16 Celsius. I warmed her, I begged, I pleaded but no, she refused to wake from her sleep. With temperatures dropping and still more freezing days to come, I had to call in the big boys.

 My neighbor has an excavating company, they also do some snow plowing. I called and even though they were swamped, he came in about half an hour to dig me out. With the right machine he was done in about thirty minutes. I appreciated him coming and paid him for the job. While standing there talking to him I realized something that speaks about living in a community where families go back generations. He is younger than me and I told him a story about when I was a child my father became ill with pneumonia, like this past weekend there was a huge snow storm and we were snowed in. One of the neighbors had a snow plow and came to open up our road, I remember it being such a relief for mom. That man who helped us out, would be this man's grandfather.

 It's part of country life, that circle of people who are around and are reliable, it helps people get by. I often think that is what is missing in the city, a community, it's how individuals fall through the cracks or feel alone while surrounded by people at the same time. It's sad to me that most people don't know what it's like to have good neighbours for generations.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

Through the bridge to Grandma's house.

 When I was a child, almost every Sunday afternoon we went to Grandma's house, Grandpa was there as well some times but when we were little, Grandma was the star of the show. I remember trying to figure out who she was, it was like having another mom only older, more patient and kinder. Plus she had some crazy baking skills unrivalled by anyone on earth. It made total sense to me that she was my mom's mom when I was finally old enough to understand. I have a lot of great memories connected to our Sunday visits.

 Like a story in a book, "Off to Grandma's House", go by the church, past the fields, down the hill, through the covered bridge on our way to Grandma's house. Every week that was our routine. The covered bridge, a local secret, the road is an obscure road mostly used by farmers and summer cottage types. I'm not sure how long it's been there but had the title of being one of the few remaining covered bridges in Canada. Once while in a doctor's office, he saw me staring at his painting of a covered bridge. It was giving to him by the previous elderly doctor who himself, had received it as a gift back in the 60's from a patient. The doctor said to me that no one knows where the bridge is or if it even exist anymore. I told him, "yes it's still there, I know because it's about two miles from my parent's farm", it was the bridge found in my life's story.

Yesterday however that story ended because of the destructive nature of some people. On a cold winter day when everyone was staying off the roads, some piece of garbage set fire to the covered bridge. I can't tell you how sad that made me. A local landmark, a part of our heritage gone forever. It's like we can't have anything nice these days, some idiot has to ruin it for the rest of us. If I had heard that the person or persons got trapped while doing that, I would have no sympathy, I'm so sick of this garbage.

 I have always been worried about something like that happening. There was someone setting covered bridges on fire around here years ago. I was uneasy that some government sites started advertising the bridge as a tourist attraction. I think what saved it for all these years was the obscure road it serviced. Only a few weeks ago I passed through it and was going to take pictures with my phone and blog about it. I changed my mind and felt I should return with my camera for better shots. I regret that so much now. It's also unsettling that there is someone so destructive like that around. Sometimes they start with bridges, then houses closed up for the winter, then barns. The thing that drives me crazy as well is, if they catch the person who did it and they are local, ninety nine percent of the time that person's parents were scum when they were young as well, generations of idiots and they will get off with a slap on the wrist.

 I feel sorry for the residents on the far side, many will have to travel far to get to work. Many farmers have farm land on both sides, making them have to travel for hours with machinery this summer. It will probably take a couple of years before a new bridge is built because it's not a main through way, it will have a low priority on the construction list but definitely one thing for sure... it won't be a covered bridge, it will be a modern, functional bridge that you won't even notice crossing.

This is for Debra, the seeker! :)

 Debra, no need for seeking, if you like unicorns then prepare yourself for a sugar unicorn rush! Hope you enjoy this.

I will post later about "stuff".

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Coasting Through or Past Life.

 On Thursday during my lunch break, one of the younger guys in his thirties, was talking about a family member he is concerned about. She is in her twenties and in love, her boyfriend moved in and is working on living happily ever after. He is working on it more because it's a perfect arrangement for him. She has a good job which is perfect for him because he is one of those special people that is too good to work. His life of sleeping in, playing video games and watching t.v. is too important to be interrupted by work. My coworker is worried that they will get married before she sees the light or worse, he gets her pregnant, then she will have two babies to look after.

 This had people commenting on today's millennials, I hate that to be honest especially when there were a couple of really good employees sitting with us who are in that age group. The truth is they were not born that way, if you do absolutely everything for your child and shield them from every awkward moment until they are twenty one, no wonder they have zero social and work skills. I pointed out the unfairness of the statement, I reminded my coworkers that there were lots of people in each generation, the baby boomers and generation X, who coasted through life.

 I thought of a situation that is really sad, not sad as in the actual definition but sad more like a pathetic waste of a life. I was thinking about a friend of a friend, let's call him Mark,  this guy is a couple of years older than me. Mark is university educated and was often at the top of his class according to my friend. He is from a wealthy family and so understands the finer things in life, friendly, good personality, (he was) tall, dark and handsome. Everything that a young man could ask for to get ahead in life.

 However Mark's life plan is this, live for free by house sitting at wealthy friends who travel most of the year, collect welfare for spending money and wait out your parents in hopes to inherit their fortune when they pass. At some points in time, he has written articles for newspapers and they being totally impressed with his work, many times have offered him a job, which he promptly turns down.

 I find that to be such a waste, especially for someone with many talents. I should also confess that I am a classic underachiever at times as well, so I don't want to appear to be on some high horse regarding this man. I often say as a joke but not a joke, I'm smart enough to know how dumb I am, there are positions at work that I would love to have but I know they are beyond my level. I never want to be in a job where I am know as "that guy", the one who tries hard but is just not that good at what he does. We see it all the time, "I really like Bill but when I need to count on a project being done properly, I always go to Jeff".

 How sad is it that Mark let his life go by, he could have had great adventures but instead has to ask people to lend him money for beer or groceries at times. He's not mentally ill, just chronically lazy it seems. There is also a frustration for him now, when you are a handsome twenty four year old, people see you as a free spirit and still welcome you as a friend, when you are a fifty four year old and haven't changed, people see you as some sort of sponge and want nothing to do with you. I have to wonder with all his intellect, if he ever thinks to himself, "what have I done"? It's a little naughty of me but I also can't help wishing his parents a long, long and healthy life.

Thursday, January 17, 2019

That moment of, uh oh!

 Today was really cold, -31 Celsius, in Fahrenheit that's blah blah go google it because I'm too tired to do the math. Anyway I dressed up nice and toasty warm, a little too warm. They had the heat turned up at work and the lab was warm. The shirt I had on made me start to sweat at times and then after lunch, I hit that moment when you think to yourself... uh oooh... my deodorant has stopped working... crap!

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Comfy food.

 I stopped in to get some groceries on my way home from work and I saw they were having a special on raisin bread. I haven't had some in years. The bread had just arrived and smelled so fresh. Raisin bread is something I have to be in the mood for, at any other time I could be grossed out over it. Sometimes there is nothing more soothing than when you get home late from work and don't want a big supper, you can just have some tea and toasted raisin bread with butter. Good enough for me on this cold, cold night.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Not a Fairy tale.

 Once upon a time, there were these magical creatures called gay people, many of them looked just like people and could blend in without detection. Some people thought they were just like humans but they were very different in a negative way, certain people took it on themselves to keep the world purged of anything gay so as not to harm the children, THE CHILDREN, will someone please think of the children!

 Today while driving home, I heard the Catholic school board in Ottawa is going to ban the book "Drama", it's a book for children and it has a gay character in it. What kind of a message would that send to children, they will become confused and turn gay. Happens all the time, I don't care what you say. As if kids live in some kind of bubble, what happens when they see same sex couples kissing. I hate that kind of bull... I'm so tired of that homophobic crap, I don't feel like blogging about it anymore. One good thing is the way people are laughing at them, like some nutty group of people who wear tinfoil hats and think they have been abducted by aliens.

 Trust me, we are not a creature in a Fairy tale, we are very real, we're here, we're queer get used to it..... dumb ass!

Monday, January 14, 2019

Ahem, a little embarrassing but

 I pulled down the blinds, I don't want anyone to see, I keep the offending rooms dark to hide my embarrassment. With all the running around I had to do, I have to confess to you guys... because I know this community is a safe space and for the most part.... most of you are non judgmental but.... I haven't had time (or the energy) to take down my Christmas tree or most of my decorations! I'm going to do it now, maybe, right after I look at some pics of men on the net. Ho ho whoa! Look at the size of that guy's... ummm... hands!

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Steve's adventures in curling.

 I posted before about taking up curling, it's a lot of fun and forces me to get out and socialize. I was doing a lot of filling in for one team and was asked if I would become a permanent player after one team member had to step down. I happily agreed and then entered into a strange rollercoaster of being part of a team to not being part of a team. The final straw came when part of one team was hurt in a car accident. They decided to combine the remaining members of that team which were left, with the original players on my team. I understood, those people paid to join back in the fall and have been doing it for years.

 Losing my spot had become a reoccurring issue, people were getting hurt, some left for vacation, some tried to come back after their injuries, no one's fault really but after New year's, I said thanks but no thanks. I started to enjoy my Sundays to myself.

 This week they created a new team because missing one team was throwing everything off regarding who was playing who.  Two of the other guys had less experience than I do! One guy just tried it for the first time last week. Our skip (like team captain) is an elderly man who had been badly hurt in a car accident. I think I have watched this scenario many times during Walt Disney movies, Bad News Bears or Mighty Ducks. Before we started playing, I made it clear to the team that our strategy was to just have fun, they all laughed and agreed with me, the new guy saying let's just try to keep from embarrassing ourselves too much, I agreed. The game started and as usual, whenever you are having fun, it's two hours later and suddenly everything is over. Keeping with the Disney tradition, we had won!

 As I said last time, there is a small bar at the arena and all the teams meet to go over what went right, what went wrong, what went really wrong and how we can't really do anything about it!

 I started playing back in November and they said it runs until the middle of February. I was thinking that is way off in the future and wasn't sure if I wanted to commit to a winter schedule. Time flies and here we are, January will be half over Tuesday, next thing I know we will all be saying goodbye and to have a good summer. Leaving the arena, I witnessed something great about this time of year however, something that really picked up my spirits, when we walked outside, instead of the usual darkness to greet us, it was still daylight, the sun had just set but "day" hadn't followed it yet. One woman remarked, "this is wonderful, we made it through".

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Happy Birthday Mom.

 Today my mom turned 80, it seems so unreal to be typing that. However days add up to weeks and then years, suddenly here we are. We had a small gathering after supper with the people in the home, I brought cake, she likes sweets now and really enjoyed her birthday cake. The nurse asked mom if she was surprised to be turning 80, she said,"oh not really, I feel 80". The nursing home is more like a home and they treat the patients like family. They had a collection of decorations on the wall in the shape of balloons, in each balloon was how much an item cost the year mom was born. A nice house was $6000, a car was $750, rent was $28 a month and a can of soup was about 4 cents. I thought that was an interesting idea.

 I think back from when she was a girl, at 16 she finished high school and headed to the city. She took a course to become a secretary, one of the few jobs women were allowed to have. She loved being in the city and always regretted moving back to the country... but that's the price you pay for falling in love with a farmer and getting married. She was considered old when she got married, 23!

 When I was young she had her pelvis crushed in a farming accident, she spent months in hospital and then a wheelchair, they were afraid she would never walk again, she was determined to walk and eventually did. Many times before and after the accident, when dad was ill, hurt or called away, she held everything together with the farm, kids and work. Like most moms, she had super mom powers, even though she was barely above five feet.

 Her dementia was her main issue as she was still healthy and mobile. That appears to be changing now, this week we realize that her health is starting to slide as well. Even though we don't usually celebrate birthdays, I felt today was a milestone in birthdays and so wanted to make a little fuss over her. She covered her face when I walked out with the cake and we all started singing. I had a good visit, she joked with the staff and other people. Even though she won't remember any of the celebration within seconds of me leaving, I know there won't be too many more birthdays and wanted to do this. A few days ago we didn't know what tomorrow had in store for her, let alone a little birthday party, to be honest I think the birthday celebration was as much for me as it was for her. Happy birthday mom.

Friday, January 11, 2019

A Runny Nose Crisis?

 This morning I was listening to the radio and they were asking for donations of something I never heard being asked before. They were asking for tissue donations. It is cold and flu season so I began listening more intently. I have heard requests before, regarding items that we just never think about donating but makes total sense to donate. Items like soap, shampoo, deodorant, underwear, socks and even things like feminine hygiene products. Along with food and clothing, many of the homeless or working poor would appreciate getting these personal items.

 I was puzzled however; by the urgent request for tissues, I wondered to myself if there was some obscure reason people down on their luck needed tissues. I was also thinking that they are not that expensive, 99 cents will get you a box of the no-name brands at many stores. Listening further revealed the need. Now maybe because it's almost -25 Celsius here, I can claim "brain freeze" as my excuse, I'm not blond but if it's not too politically incorrect to say this, I had a blond moment. The radio host was asking listeners to sign their donor cards because there is always a need for organs and tissue donations.

Thursday, January 10, 2019

...and Katy Perry says!

 My gay dance genes allow me to enjoy pop songs. One of the pop artists I always enjoy when a song of hers comes on the radio is Katy Perry, I don't have any of her CD's but I find her music upbeat, fun and I like a lot of her hits. Now I understand that most of you are not young, hip and cool like me, you probably don't know who Katy Perry is unless you saw someone pretend to be her in a pride parade. Many of you are probably still asking, "is a CD that thing like my record albums or is it like my eight tracks"? All you need to know is Katy is a top forty pop dance type singer.

 Adam reminds me of one of her songs... a lot, I hear it in my head almost every time I message or email with him. "You... change your mind... like a girl changes clothes (a woman wrote that, don't shoot the messenger). The song is Hot'n Cold and communication with Adam is like living the lyrics. One minute he is coming on to me like a man driven by white hot passion, then the next day it's like a completely different man. Sometimes I get three emails in a day and then I don't hear from him for a day or two or three.

 "Steven, I really feel connected to you, I don't want you to think I'm the kind of guy who would just use you". Wow right? Then we communicate back and forth a bit. Next day I will say something about meeting up for dinner or drinks etc and I get no response or worse, "oh hey Steve, how was your work today, I went shopping for socks, I wanted dark blue ones but they only had the light blue ones". Cue the music... "You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no, you're in then you're out, you're up then you're down.

 I like to add my own lyrics, "you like toasted then you like baked, you're an oddball or maybe a flake, you're a butterfly then a bee, best to use you as an f.w.b". I missed my calling as a writer of pop songs. I suspect he is probably hot and heavy into me until he gets some alone time with himself at home, after a few minutes on the internet, he probably cools off. He is a cute guy and has a nice personality, I confess that none of this really bothers me because I am on a mission, I don't see him as boyfriend material
but if we are alone together and something starts to happen, I am not using my brakes. I find it helps when you can visualize a person, even though he is not Latino, his nationality makes him appear to be at times and he thinks it's funny when people speak Spanish to him. He sort of reminds me of Jay Hernandez, the gentleman who plays the current Magnum P.I. and is also currently one of my top three tv boyfriends. :)

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Use to this?

 I wasn't going to blog about this at first but sometimes I look back in my blog to remember certain events and time lines. It's odd to say but when I was answering some of your comments, I was actually sitting in the emergency ward with mom. A lot of the time it's a question of hurry up and wait, wait, wait when you are there and so to kill time, like most people, I play on my phone.

 I wasn't going to blog about it because I don't want people feeling sorry for me, this is my life now, this isn't something extraordinary, it happens frequently and it's only going to get worse. Mom had tiny episodes before Christmas, she blanked out for a few minutes a couple of times but seemed to recover fine. Yesterday she did it twice and the second time they couldn't get a response from her, mom's eyes were open but she was just starting straight ahead and not responding to anyone.

 I was called to meet her at the hospital, driving down I was thinking this is something new, maybe it's a stroke, this could be the end. Honestly, yes I would be sad because it's my mom but I also would be okay with it, I have said my goodbyes to mom long ago. However when I got there she was responsive again and recognized me coming down the hallway which is actually a huge thing for her. She asked me when I got there. A little later she said the doctors were slow, they don't have enough staff on and that she doesn't have all day to wait on them (lol). I felt it wasn't a stroke by then, plus she was strong enough to go with a nurse to the washroom again.

 They feel it's mild seizures and are going to try medication. She would never sit through any tests and as the doctor said, even if they found something, an operation would probably be too dangerous at her age and the state she is in.

 A good friend was asking how I was doing and I told her to be completely honest, I am fine, a little rattled at first but I just went into caretaker mode, I told her "I'm use to it" which is sad in a way but "it is, what it is". If anything is going to bother me, it's usually later after everything has been taken care of. I'm not Mr cool and calm inside however, during the moment when I have to be strong, I am strong. I am really stressed about this situation as a whole, not about the hospital visits if you understand my meaning, and that is a blog post for another time.

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Words Matter.

 Having been raised in the wilderness where most of your neighbours are cows, I have slipped up from time to time with some of my sayings, phrases or view points. I have repeated phases that I often heard without really thinking about the meaning behind them. I say this to point out that I won't pretend to be Mr perfect when it comes to being respectful towards others. I have made mistakes, I try to learn from them, I try to do better and I'm not going to judge someone else for a slip up.

 I say this because of something innocently said to me in a text yesterday that stung me when I read it. I kept thinking about it yesterday and this morning, I was wondering if I was being over sensitive but I don't think I am, if it's brother me, that tells me something. I know the person meant no harm so I'm not angry "with" her.

 It was when I was texting back and forth with a good friend of mine yesterday. We were discussing her nephew and his boyfriend and about me picking them out in the photo. She was wondering how I "knew" and I was joking back that "we can sense our own kind". I made the comment about how good looking he is and about the nice shape he keeps himself in. That's when she text back, "yes gay guys are always so good looking...  what a waste"! That phrase stung like a slap on the face. Now before people jump on my friend, I know she was just repeating a joke that straight women often used to say, she loves her nephew and has always been supportive of me so she didn't realize what she just said.

 Still it was an internal ouch, I often heard that phrase but didn't pay much attention to it when I was younger. I haven't heard it used in a long time and now it felt really hurtful because it means that I am a waste to society, I am not straight therefore I am taking up valuable space that could be used by a straight man. It also means that our relationships have no worth, that the only value is the potential of a future relationship of a straight person. Love is love is love as long as it's between two straight people, anything else is just a funny joke.

 I will text with her tonight and let her see the error of her comment. I am upset with the phrase and not actually the person who said it, I would like to help make this phrase become extinct.  I know she will feel awful, that's why I will wait until after work, she is a sweet person and might actually cry if she thinks she hurt me. I will do it not to scold her or argue with her but to help her, as people helped me when I (often) put my foot in my mouth.

Monday, January 7, 2019

Don't tell me what I know!

 Sometimes I stumble into the non politically correct stereotypes regarding the gay world. In the past I have tried to talk about the differences between gay and straight men, how they carry themselves, body movements, style and voice. Usually that is a hornets nest and similar to a child poking the hornets nest with a stick, people come flying from every angle, wringing their hands saying, "no, no you're wrong, those are just stereotypes".

 Today one of my closest friends sent me a picture of her children, nephews and nieces. I have watched some of them grow up, many I haven't seen since they were little. A great looking bunch of young men and women, now on their way into adulthood. Happy at how they have turned out but the photo was also causing a little sadness in me to see them becoming grown-ups.

 I know that one of her nephews is gay and I knew just by looking at the photo, I would be able to pick him out. One young guy had really good style, (clue one), he had a really good haircut (clue two), slightly avant-garde jewelry on (clue three) he was in nice shape, as in he worked out and not for just health reasons (clue four) and there was something about the way he was standing. I picked the correct one out. Also there was another guy there and I was thinking he looked like a team player as well. Later I would find out that he was the boyfriend.

 I have learned not to doubt my gaydar, even if they are married with five kids, sometimes years later I find out that they are gay. I know, I know, I know not everyone fits the stereotype but there are signals, signs and special connections that can be seen and felt between two members of the LGBTQ community, otherwise we would have never found each other in the bad old days. Lucky guy, starting out in life with a huge family behind him, boyfriend, career on the horizon and he is really  cute too. Still however; no matter what people say about stereotypes, I was able to pick him out in a split second :p

 Interesting fact, we may be hearing from him in the future.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

Toy Unwanted.

 Tomorrow is the sixth of January, many of the old timers used to call it little Christmas and didn't fully remove all the decorations until then. It is also Christmas eve for Orthodox Christians. I like to leave my decorations up until then because I enjoy them and because I'm lazy so I want to maximize my decorating efforts! While starting to put things away, I suddenly realized a funny Christmas story that has constantly been staring us in the face for years.

 There is a doll that stands in a corner of one of the bedrooms. It has been standing in a corner literally for about forty five to forty six years untouched, unwanted, unloved. Back in the day there were these dolls called Suzy Walker dolls, I'm not sure if they still make them but they were large and walked if you held their hand just right. My sister did not like dolls, she always pleaded with people not to get her dolls for Christmas. Instead she preferred boy's toys, she would ask..... ((gasp)) for toy guns, toy cowboys and Indians native American people, sports equipment etc, etc. She also had an artistic side and enjoyed paint sets or something to do with drawing but most definitely not uuugh... dolls.

 This of course lead to people trying to shove dolls and little dresses down her throat, mom gave up trying to do that almost from day one and warned others not to push it. One year my sister's godmother saw one of those Walker dolls, that actually looked a little like my sister at the time. Against my mother's warnings she went ahead and bought it as a Christmas gift. I will never forget the look on my sister's face as she pulled off the wrapping paper. I can only described it as the look just before a dog bites somebody. She then looked at my mother with complete disgust. Mom, quietly said "we will just set it up somewhere, don't break it". That doll's existence was in jeopardy but she did understand not to be disrespectful and so listened to my mother.

 It's funny how people will try to push the norms on children even if it makes them completely unhappy. They feel it's better to ruin Christmas or a birthday party, just to satisfy their ideology. Many times my aunt would ask, "does she play with the doll"? We would say no, and so she finally learned to buy the right gifts.

 That Christmas evening after we came home from my grandparents, my sister carried the doll upstairs and stood her in a corner, there to this day the doll has stood waiting for someone to come play with her... because that's what happens when you buy a hockey playing, fort building, horse back riding, future lesbian in the making... a doll.

Friday, January 4, 2019

Apology Accepted.

 I received (after a little prodding) an explanation for the sudden silence of Adam. It's a little flattering actually, seems when he was thinking about an "us" it never occurred to him that we were just getting together for some fun, (like 97% of gay men do) in his mind it was the beginning of a full on relationship between us and having just come through a breakup of his marriage (to a man), he felt it's not fair to me that he has so much baggage. I honestly thought he was looking for a friends with benefits type situation and I would have been cool with that, he is attractive and a nice guy, I don't see myself with him as a life partner, we have too many things that could come between us in a relationship.

 I let him off the hook in a sly way that allows him to keep from feeling embarrassed. I told him that everything is fine between us, that I felt he was just joking as he has made sexual jokes in the past. Then I proceeded to ask about a store he went shopping at, that way the subject transitions in a way that appears casual. Plus I don't want him to think about our emails too much, otherwise he may realize I was being a typical gay guy and just trying to be a dog. In my defense that seems to be the gay norm, I no longer expect a gay man to assume "relationship" as the first go to move, maybe I have become jaded.

 It was nice to be thought of as boyfriend material, it was nice that he didn't want to "use" me for sex, those were his exact words. If it weren't for the issues that I could see coming between us, I know that I would go for this guy. I know how to win his heart over from the jerk he was with, they wouldn't know what hit them lol. All is good, I can't be upset at him for being honest. He probably didn't expect me to bite at his hinting, he probably started to over think what had occurred between us and that's fine because the more I thought about it, the more I knew that I don't want a relationship with him either. This just makes me want to find the right guy even more.

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Resolutions, dating & other bull.

 I don't do new year resolutions but if I did I think I know exactly which ones to pledge to. I know that I often spend way too much time on line. Out here can be lonely and I often feel like I have stepped into a room full of friends when I get online. In my mind I am connected to society, I'm no longer alone. I don't "think" I am addicted to being on line, I actually "know" that I am addicted, to the point where it interferes with my daily life, to the point of costing me a lot of money. Yesterday was a good example, I wanted to send a simple text to a friend, he is on his way to warmer climates for the winter and I wished him good luck. That was at 9:45 am, before I shut my phone off, I wanted to check out a few blogs and send a couple of emails. After a few minutes, I felt that I was starving, I wondered to myself, "what time is it anyway"? It was 2:05 pm, I couldn't believe my eyes, what did I just do.

  My other thing to get on top of is my eating habits. Not dieting but diet, I used to be really good at watching what I ate. I remember when I got tested about eight years ago, the doctor told me that I had the lowest cholesterol levels he had ever seen in a person, he said to keep doing what I was doing. Unfortunately I didn't, now I would be afraid to see those numbers. As I become more youth challenged and pro couch potato, those are a combination that doesn't mix well.

 I was emailing with a blog buddy yesterday, in my view he has taken on the roll of the older brother I never had, a reflective, sensible and incredibly handsome older brother. I was telling him about how one of my new gay acquaintances, let's call him Adam, (I will say acquaintance because we're not at a friend level yet) started to hint at "something" between us. I kind of joked back but at the same time not a joke. Adam messaged me a really nice message about how he sees me and about us clicking together, then he also said a few really cool and erotic things to me. My blog buddy joked maybe things were looking good for 2019, I was hoping. I messaged back to Adam that I think he is very attractive, a great guy and that I am interested in getting to know him better. He never got back to me, I know he was on line, I know he read my message, I just don't get people these days. If it was reversed I would immediately reply, either yes let's go further or no I'm not ready, interested or whatever but at least I would reply. There is nothing he can do now to repair that mistrust, it shows me that he is clearly not boyfriend material, people are so weird.

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

One last Christmas goodbye.

 Well another holiday season over, all the effort into which ever or whatever type of holiday people took part in or didn't take part in, the lights, songs, wishes, parties, gifts, movies, stories, cartoons and food, food, food. All over, now we settle down for winter but at least we know the darkest days are behind us. This holiday season didn't feel like it flew by, it feels to me like Christmas was a month ago instead of only a week. I'm actually still in a holiday mood, I am going to leave my decorations up until the weekend. I want to try and have people over before I take them down. Watching Charlie Brown Christmas clips on YouTube just recharges my Christmas spirit more lol. This was a good Christmas for me.

 I don't mean that anything extraordinary happened over the holidays, to be honest it was a lot less exciting than other years. I just mean that I didn't feel lonely or lost as I have the last two Christmases. I am surprised that I am still here, I thought last Christmas was my final one on the farm. I think that is what made it easier, I have said all my goodbyes to past memories and traditions. I have accepted moving on from here. This is probably going to be boring to most people but it's something I felt I wanted to put down in writing to look back on.

 There was one final goodbye that I wanted to make for myself, one final acknowledgement. Christmas day was beautiful here, a clear sunny day and not too cold, in other words a good day to drive. When the sun began thinking about setting, I took mom to her seniors home but I didn't want to return home myself just yet. I wanted to return to where I used to be celebrating Christmas at this time of day, my grandparents house. We were close to all our grandparents but more so to my mom's parents, we spent every Sunday there. At Christmas we would have a Christmas lunch and then go to my grandparents house. It was the typical hallmark movie, country Christmas. A huge gathering of family, lots of fun, lots of food and there was a skating rink across the street. I know now how lucky I was to have that.

 I drove to the town where my grandparent's house is, I parked across the street where the rink fortunately still exists. No one lives in my grandparents house now, no one has lived there for about five years. I shook my head at the contrast of the house being in total darkness, unkempt snow filled driveway and path. Compare that to Christmas lights, people, laughter, talking, smells of cooking the usual Christmas stuff of old... but eventually everything changes and I'm ok with that now, I don't feel like life has a vendetta against me.

 It wasn't a negative experience, it just was an experience. In fact the center was beautifully decorated in lights and Christmas trees, some of the surrounding houses were also well decorated so it wasn't a total gloomy feeling. I don't really remember our last Christmas there, once my grandparents started to get ill, holiday plans changed. I wanted closure of some sort, so as I drove away, I said softly to myself, Merry Christmas grandma and grandpa, thank you for the great memories. Then I proceeded down the back roads that would take me home like we used to do. I was thinking that it has probably been more than twenty five years since that happened, driving home with the bright moon shining on the snow, I was remembering all the times that we had done that as a family, tired and full but still a little bit excited at the end of a fantastic Christmas day.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

It's 2019, really? Already?

 Happy New Year... yup blah blah, new beginning, blah blah, fresh page blah blah things are going to be different blah, starting over blah blah blah. The main difference here will be the new calendars that I will put up today. My family never celebrated the new year, I don't see it as anything special, to me it's another day that followed a different day that will be followed by tomorrow. It's 2019, seriously, really? Yikes I better get busy! What happened to the 80s, even the 90s for Pete's sake! The year 2000 has been gone almost twenty years, that seems unbelievable to me! I remember it like yesterday when the computers shut down and all the planes fell out of the sky!

  I feel that 2009 was probably my worst year ever for many reasons but mostly because of helplessly watching my father die. This means everything hits the ten year mark, that's startling to me, ten years. This year (2019) will neither be good or bad, as long as nothing catastrophic happens, the year can only be what I make it to be. I am not pledging to make any changes, I either will or I won't and no amount of dramatic promises to myself and others will affect that. My one new year wish for everyone reading this blog is something that my parents always valued and that is good health, if you have that or at least close to having good health, then everything else can fall into place, they used to say without it, nothing else matters, so I wish good health to everyone in 2019... that still seems crazy to be writing... 2019.