Friday, February 29, 2008

Next Chapter

Coming out, making gay friends, starting relationships, these all are things that I am trying to do. It is like working on a book but I have to jump between chapters and write them at the same time instead of in sequence. Last night I finally finished one of the chapters of my gay life, that is coming out to my close friends. I only had one close friend left to tell (Elly), it is still very hard to tell people and I thought I would just get it over with. I always felt bad telling her half truths as she is always trying to get me to go out on dates.

I called her last night and we did the usual, talking about family, friends and work. Then she brought up the subject, she noticed I was not home a lot and wanted to know who the girl was. I told her that is what I was calling about and I needed to tell her something. She could tell by my voice something was wrong and assured me that I could tell her anything.

Me, "I am seeing someone, you are right about that."
Elly, "Okay, you can trust me, tell me about this girl."
Me, "Well actually it is not a girl I am seeing."
Elly suddenly whispers, "its a guy!"
Me, "Yes."
Elly, "Wow, okay."
Me, "So did you kind of already know?"
Elly, "No! Not at all, I would never have thought that in a million years, no I never thought that about you. I always thought you were just really old fashioned and shy."(Laughs)
Me, "Well actually I am old fashioned, just gay too!" We both laugh.
Elly, "Thank you for telling me this, I appreciate you trusting me, I'm just wondering why did you feel that you needed to tell me?"
Me, "I wanted my close friends to know, I feel like I have been lying to you guys whenever you ask about whether I am dating or not."
Elly, "Oh, okay thank you, I understand, I am your friend, I will be a good friend to you."
Me, "Whew, that is good to know."
Elly, "Of course, you know me, I have an open mind, Wow you little brat, you have been hiding this from me all this time!" (Laughs)

She asks all about Dave, how we met etc and says she would like to meet him some day. She wants to know who else in our group of friends knows, so I tell her. I can tell that she is quite startled by the news but is doing her best to support me. Later she sends me a really sweet email. That is it then, all my close friends know now and with telling her, it is the closing of the final chapter on that part of my coming out, strangely I feel a little sad, like my secret that I held for so long, was like an old friend that I had to let go. I still have friends to tell that are in what I call my sub-group, people not so close to me but that I hang out with from time to time, it is not so big of a deal if one of them rejects me as they play a smaller part in my life. Some of them actually know as well, they began to suspect and I knew I could trust them as they already had close gay friends or family members.

I want to give this relationship my all and I feel that by denying Dave to people is betraying Dave and how can you betray someone that you are suppose to love as much as family. Dave is actually very understanding about my not being totally out. He tells me to just roll with each situation and he will go along with what ever feels comfortable for me. Since Dave is out to most people, I feel it is wrong to ask him to go back into the closet, so that is why I am working on coming out, because I can't do that to him and honestly I love having him as my boyfriend so much, that I want the world to know.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Get Away From Me!

I have lived most of my life alone, I did for a while have a boyfriend when I was in my twenties. Even then we were not together very much, we were both in the closet and had room-mates so time alone was very rare. Now I have to get use to the idea of being part of a couple, to not always think only of myself. I am doing not bad at it with a few small mistakes. Dave has a good sense of humour, that is very important to me and we laugh a lot about things.

The thing I find hard now, and this is totally on the lighter side of life, is sleeping together. No I don't mean sex, I mean sleeping in the same bed. I am so used to sleeping alone, I have always slept alone. We go to bed, cuddle, kiss and hug which I like a lot. The thing is when I want to sleep, I need to sneak away from him or else I can't sleep. If he touches me I wake up, if he moves I wake up, if he talks in his sleep I wake up, if he is holding me too long, the heat from our bodies wakes me up. I am not getting enough sleep lately as either he is here at my place or I am staying over at his place. He can't stand being away from me, which I think is romantic and it feels good to be so wanted. He constantly wants to hug and hold me but that also happens at night. Even in his sleep he will reach out and pull me into an embrace. Yes it feels good, warm and loving but like I said, I can't sleep if he is touching me.

At night it is almost a funny dance, where I try to get away from him without hurting his feelings. I wait until I hear him fall asleep, then ever so gently try to slip away. I have to remove his arms and slide over without waking him. I think 'home free' until I hear him say 'what's wrong' then I say 'nothing', then he says 'come over here' and I begin with 'I am too hot' or 'your breathing in my ear keeps me awake' or 'your twitching is not letting me sleep'. Then he says things like 'awe but I love you' or 'I want you near me' or 'I need to hold you so I can sleep better' and that is just not fair, melting my heart makes it hard to say no. It ends up with me protesting as his long arms reach out and cuddle me into him, yeah it is not so bad but I am grumpy in the morning and really need a coffee (even though I don't drink coffee) to get my day going. Finally he is back asleep again, I slowly begin to slip away, mission accomplished, I drift off as he remains asleep, he stirs a bit but does not wake up, I close my eyes and suddenly feel two strong arms wrap around me and pull me into him, I give up and just enjoy the warmth of being together, as I am sure this honeymoon period will not last forever.

As for the tests we took on Tuesday, the full results will take three weeks so I will share those with you. I spoke to the doctor as I had a lot of questions. I took the test to show Dave I was telling the truth about my past. I know as of now I am okay. He believes me but I felt it only fair to show him the results. I asked the Doctor about Dave being celibate for five years and how that could relate to HIV. She told me some interesting stuff. She said it is very possible for someone to be HIV positive for five or more years and not show any outward signs. She also said it would not show up in a yearly check-up unless you asked your family doctor for an HIV test. She did say however that if a person was HIV positive for five or more years and showed no signs, it would show up on the HIV test, of course there can be exceptions but mostly it would show up by then. Like other have said, it would take at least three to six months to start to show up on a test if you became infected.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Stupid Is

I was wondering if I should write this post, it is hard to write, it is scary to write but maybe someone can learn from my mistake. Dave and I are going for an HIV test this afternoon. I have been stupid, I have been careless, there is a 90% chance that I will be alright but there is also a 10% chance that my muddy thinking could end my life.

I have not been in a relationship of any kind for almost thirteen years, I was very, very careful in the past as I was terrified of getting aids. Dave has not been in a relationship for five years, his last boyfriend he said like to hide stuff from him and so Dave became tired of the game and ended it. So far Dave and I have engaged in what is called low risk behaviour, but we were not safe and low risk is still risk. Twice we got caught up in the moment and went a little farther than we should have without protection. My reality of this disease snapped back after talking to a friend of mine, he was happy that he had his final HIV test and everything was clear. His back ground is that he used to work in a hospital, was injured by a used needle and so had to go for an HIV test every year for ten years to be sure he was in the clear. That is just the danger of this virus, it can hide and it is out there. I remember watching an interview one time where the doctor said that actually it is often guys in relationships that get aids. He said the reason is once in a relationship, the men trust each other not realizing one man is carrying the virus. He said the one night stands often are careful because they know enough not to trust a stranger, these words are ringing in my ears right now.

I try to stay calm about it, Dave does not play around, it has been five years, his past boyfriend has never come back to say he is sick. Dave never gets sick and he sees a doctor once a year for a check-up, like I said so far we have been involved in low risk sexual contact but still, people do get aids like this all the time. I am angry with myself at the moment, more than likely it will be fine but still, why did I put myself in this situation, this is the time where one slip up will cost. I noticed we bloggers don't often like to talk about HIV, as if mentioning or reading about it will bring the virus on us. I also noticed in the past when another blog writer does mention it, often no one will respond, including myself. I think a little scare is probably good for us every now and again. Certainly if everything is alright and if in future this relationship does not last, then later I start another relationship, I will think twice so as not to go through this again. All I can do now is take the test, wait and then I will let you guys know the results. I don't want to scare anyone here, it is not that we think something is wrong, we just want to be sure we know our health before getting really hot and heavy. We just felt the test would be a good idea to start the relationship on.

As a side note, I have removed my picture. The reason is that Dave's friends and some family have met me. I don't feel it fair to him if someone should find my blog, it could also cause him trouble at his job. Also on my side of things, two friends have come close to finding it, there are some things written that may hurt some people so I took down the picture, if they stumble onto the blog, no one will know it is me. So don't worry, it is not that I suddenly want to go back into the closet, just that I don't want to make people I care about uncomfortable.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Ironic Double Life

I have suddenly found myself in an ironic double life. I used to be this quiet shy straight guy that just had not found the right woman yet. That was how everyone knew me, they did not know about my being gay, having friends on the net, searching for the strength to change or the courage to come out. No one knew I had a boyfriend for a short time in my twenties, it was a secret world only in my head mostly, the straight life was the one I was leading. Now however it has become reversed. To my friends I am a gay man, to my sister I am a gay man. To some new friends that I have made, they have always known me as a gay man. To Dave I am his boyfriend, to his friends, family and clients I am the guy dating him, again to them I have always been gay. I am beginning to feel comfortable with this, it feels like where I should be.

The reverse to my life happens now when I go to visit my parents. There I am the straight guy again, the proper son, and I am not comfortable in that role any more. I recall the childhood days when winter would come, the coats and sweaters that I wore the year before no longer fit me, I had out grown them. No matter how much I tugged at the jacket it would ride up my sleeves or expose my stomach to the cold. The straight role does not fit me any more and I feel my parents don't really know their son. I had borrowed the movie Broke Back from Dan, as I mentioned before, my Dad had said that he wants to see the movie, mainly because he loves cowboy movies. I thought I would play it and maybe open up a discussion about gay people, how we don't choose this, that it is part of who we are. I did not show it to them however as my Mom reminded how hard they can be on people.

As I walked into the kitchen, my Mom said 'take a look at this' and threw down some pictures in disgust. I looked at the pictures to see my very pretty cousin, her handsome fiance and their cute as a bug baby. They are distant cousins so we do not keep in contact with them. I was surprised by the baby, the plan was over a year ago they were to be married but they had an oops-baby and so had to stop the wedding as she was due at the same time. They will resume plans and wed in June. Mom was disgusted, she said 'will that family never learn, that is terrible'. I said for Mom to step back a little, first they planed long before the baby came to get married so it was not like a shot gun wedding, second they are to be married this spring, third is was not perfect but they will end it well. The family is cute, they are both educated adults, doing well for themselves, down to earth and generally really nice people. I said most couples are doing the same thing only they got caught. Really, no one is having kids any more so it is actually exciting to see a baby in the family. Mom would just not see it that way, she insisted that it was horrible, they were filth for letting this happen, it was an embarrassment to the family and I suddenly knew that I would never be able to tell her. She was not always this hard on people, hard but not like now. As my parents get older they are becoming less and less reasonable, I always figure they worked hard all their lives, were good parents to us, so I don't argue anymore. I want then to glide into their final years happy. I am at a loss as what to do, Dave is very understanding. For now I will leave it but there may come a time when I want to move in with Dave and then it will be pretty plain what is happening. There is also going to be the day when one of my new friends that knows me as a gay person, will turn out to be related to someone that knows my parents, with small towns and huge families, that always happens sooner or later.

Ironic how the role is now reversed, for a day or two I am a straight guy again and I find it sad that my parents don't know the life I lead now, because this is the one that finally makes me happy.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Connecting To

I still have to pinch myself, I knew I was heading towards a relationship but I did not see it happening so fast. I guess it is true when they say you can't plan these things. I want to say that I understand that this may not be the one, I know in a few weeks or months we may feel that it is not right for us. For now I want to take it one day at a time and just enjoy the moments, I have been working all my life to get here and I just want to live the moment and not worry too much about what tomorrow means for us. As a lot of you may have realized by now I tend to over think, over analyse everything and I want to just shut that romance killer down for now. It feels so strange, I am a whole person but now I am part of another whole, a connection to another person, a couple.

Everything is still going great between us, Dave is such a total romantic, he makes my heart melt at least three times a day. I spend a lot of time at his place, when I am not there he calls two or three times a day plus half a dozen emails. He tells me things like, he now believes in love at first sight, from the moment he first met me in the coffee shop. Strange how that is, when he first walked in I thought he was very handsome but I figured I had no chance with him, and now here we are. Last Friday I went there to spend the day with him, it went so well he asked me to stay and one day turned into four. He has many layers to his personality, I love that in a person. He has a very masculine side, he works in construction, drives a motorcycle in summer, even takes it to a race track sometimes, however he also has a very soft and loving side to him. He had us take a bubble bath by candle light, he keeps one of my T-shirts beside his pillow, he says because it has my sent on it, when I am not there he says it helps him to sleep. He is my total cuddle bear, we are always snuggling up on the couch together. He is a good cook and is spoiling me with awesome dinners where I am waited on like at a restaurant, when we sit down to eat, we always have to kiss before we start.

Dave is also very much a gentleman, we are slowly getting to know one another, and I mean that in every sense. We are taking our time with all things so no, it is not a wild sex fest. I would have to admit that I am more the aggressor at the moment, years and years of pent up sexual energy, 'lol' I think I may scare him sometimes! Toby the chastity cat also is hard at work, she interferes quite often, wanting to join in on the fun games. Her latest stunt was after getting into bed, she kept rolling her ball with flashing red and blue lights around the bed, it also makes a tinkling sound. I would be kissing Dave and suddenly burst out laughing, I told him I felt like we were being pulled over by the gay police with the red & blues flashing. He quickly hid the ball!

Like I said I may not be around that much for a while, I need to work on the real world now, this is what my blog was for and now it has accomplished what it was intended to do. Have a good week end everyone, I know I will!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Single No More, Woo Hoo!

My thoughts are all in jumbles at the moment so this will not be anything deep. I just felt like filling you guys in on the little things that have happened over the past week. Since the Sunday where we finally admitted our feelings for each other, things have been moving at a good speed. We call each other a lot as he is about 40 minutes from my place. Wednesday was ground breaking for me as I had him over for dinner, it was an early Valentine's dinner as he could not make it Thursday. I have never been with someone on Valentine's before in my life, I had always been single until now.

I was not sure if I should get him something, I mean we had only started to go out and I did not want to look desperate (which I am) and maybe scare him off. I got him a card that said how happy I was that he entered my life. I was so nervous waiting for him, he finally came we hugged, kissed and I got him a drink while waiting for dinner to be ready. I decided to give him the card, I was a little embarrassed, he is very much the straight acting type, he is in construction and home renovating so I was not sure how he would take being given a card. He was at first puzzled and I reminded him that Valentine's day was the following day. He said "oh" and looked surprised. I was really starting to feel stupid, acting like a school girl by giving a man a card. Then he had that silly grin on his face, went to his jacket, pulled out a Valentine's day card and a little bear sitting on a heart shaped box with candies, whew, we are on the same page, plus how cute was that! We had dinner, kissed a lot, snuggled a lot, watched some movies, then he had to go as he needs to be up by five in the morning.

The next day he called to tell me that he had been invited to a party on Saturday. He said most of the people were close friends of his, they are all straight but have known about him for a while. He was wondering if I would go with him as his date. I thought this would be a huge step for me, to go as another man's date somewhere, to a house full of straight people. I felt really uncomfortable with the idea, however I have learn to make that feeling go away, I have to head straight into it. I closed my eyes and told him "yes, I'll go with you." I was so nervous but Dave is really good to take care of me and I knew he would not ask me if there was any chance of an issue happening, so I trust him. Two of his friends came with us and I could instantly see that not only was there not a problem with me being gay, but they were beaming that their friend (Dave) had found someone. The rest of the day was the same, no one paid any more or less attention to us than any other guest. In fact some people were very welcoming to me since I was the new guy to the group. Only one guy I could tell was a little startled by it, but he was fine once it sunk in that I was with Dave. I enjoyed the dinner very much and at times I was in awe of the situation, here I was finally, at a party sitting beside a guy I really liked, who was actually my date. I understand more and more everyday what people mean by 'out' is freedom.

On the way home Dave reached over and held my hand while he was driving, at first this made me really uncomfortable because there were three friends of his in the back. I told myself to relax, they care about Dave, they want him to be happy so I closed my eyes and just held on. It was nice, sometimes it gave me a dizzy feeling, I am reclaiming my lost teen years I sometimes think. I feel alive again, like something deep inside has awakened and I am happy in all areas of my life now.

That night he fixed us drinks and we sat on the couch, talking, cuddling and kissing by candle light. He is a big handsome guy but he is also a total romantic and I feel so lucky to have found him. We finished our drinks and he led me up stairs to his bedroom. We lay down on the bed and he started kissing me. Then in a total mood killer, his little cat got up with us and wanted our attention also. She is actually really cute and he showed me how he plays a game with her (yes I am going some where with this) where he runs his hand under the covers and she goes nuts trying to catch the hand that is making the movements and sounds. Finally she leaves and we get back to being together. He turns out the lights, we undress and get into bed. We kiss like crazy, he is such a good kisser, he wraps his huge warm arms around me. I lie on my back and he is lying on his side. He is telling me how lucky he is to have found me, he is kissing me and massaging my chest. However unknown to poor Steven, his cat has stealthily crept back up the stairs and now all her attention is focused on the rustling sound of the hand moving under the covers, on Steven's chest. She quietly glides over to the edge of the bed and in total darkness pounces out of no where onto me! Needless to say this startled the crap out of both of us, I start to laugh so hard that I had to run to the bathroom because the drinks he gave me start to come up my nose. Yeah and you were hoping for light erotica! We laughed for days over this one.

I need to work on this relationship, so if I don't blog for a while, don't worry it is going well and I will fill you guys in. I will also keep checking up on the rest of you to see what you are up to, so even if you don't hear from me, I am following your blogs. I thank all you guys that gave me feed back, advise and helped me to feel good about myself, enough to get to this wonderful point in my life. This is great! ; )

Friday, February 15, 2008

So This Is Me

...BOOK 3....Final of the crazy weekend Trilogy...

Dave followed me up to my apartment, I was so nervous. I knew I could trust Dave, he is very much a gentleman, but I needed to find some way to tell him how I felt and that was what scared me. My fear was that he would either say I was not his type or because I am new to the gay scene, that he did not want to get involved with me. We get along well, I like a guy with a sense of humour and he has that sometimes dry, sometimes a little silly sense of humour about him. We talked about his work, how family is very important to him, more about his experiences of coming out. I sat close to him, again like the first time we met I was staring into his eyes, his spell was coming over me again. I placed my leg so that the more I relaxed, the closer it got until I was touching him. He is so easy to talk to that the time passed very quickly and it was almost three in the morning. Again while talking he would touch my shoulder, arm or knee. I felt though the conversation was not going in the direction I wished.

Most times he seemed not interested in me at all, every now and then however he would say something as if to put out feelers to see how I felt about him. I was not sure and did not want to end up embarrassing myself. We talked about our trip to Montreal and he worried about coming back late at night if it were to snow. I said I would rent a room for us so we could stay over, I said not to worry I would make sure it had two beds or would he prefer his own room. He said one room two beds was fine, then he said "I don't bite", I saw this as a subtle chance and said "I wish you would." He asked me to repeat that statement, I did, he said he did not understand what I meant by it, I tried to explain the joke, I suddenly realized he must have no interest in me if he did not get that joke. Blushing I said lets just move on, it was a bad joke. We continued talking but to be honest I was not paying attention to what he was saying, he had to work on the weekend and I knew he would soon have to leave. Feeling slightly embarrassed about my attempt to connect with him, I was thinking that the next day I would have to call up one of the other guys for a date and try to move on from there. I was a little sad because Dave is the one that makes my knees weak (yes like a little school girl, bitches) and I had wanted it to work with him. As we were talking he brought the bite joke up again and suddenly to scare me jumped at me as if to bite. I suddenly realized he did understand what I meant and was probably torturing me with it. I would give him the wolf stare, he became shy and would look away while talking. He suddenly looked at the clock and said "I have to go," I knew if I did nothing I would hate myself the next day, I panicked for something to say, anything at all. I looked down and suddenly realized what huge hands he had, so sexy! I grabbed one and commented on the size, he teased me about my small hands and we interlocked our fingers, it was like an electric charge went up my arm. He said he found finer featured guys attractive, this gives me hope. I did not want him to feel uncomfortable so I relaxed my fingers to let go, however he looked at me with this funny grin on his face, and held on.

I tightened my grip again, we just sat there in silence for a few seconds, he caressed my palm with his thumb. I said "this is nice" he was shy and looked away, again I said "this is nice - yes?" He said "yes", we were sitting there, close to each other, staring at each other, I was looking into his eyes and I thought here goes nothing so I asked, "can I kiss you?" Again he stared at me with that funny grin, I asked "yes?" He sat there not saying a word and it felt like time stood still waiting for his answer. He smiled and did a little 'come here' nod and finally leaned in for a kiss. Wow, fire works! Soft, warm, exciting, electrical all at once. We looked at each other and leaned in again, this time he brought me into him and we embraced, I could feel his hands on my back and we held on tight. I was shaking like crazy, finally things turned my way. I told him I found him attractive, that he is someone I want to date and that I was not sure how he sees me. He told me that from the moment he walked into the coffee shop at our first meeting, he wanted to date me. He kissed me again very passionately, he is a great kisser, he smelled good and yeah taste good too. He pulled away and cupping my face in his hands said, "can I just tell you something, I think you are so beautiful," something like that just takes your breath away and leaves a person speech less.

We kiss a lot, I settle back onto the couch and we talk in between kissing. He says "I can't believe I found you, I never thought the night would turn out like this." I told him I was dropping hints all night and before in my emails also, he said he knew that. I asked why then did he say nothing, he said it was because since I am new to the gay scene, he did not want to interfere with my coming out. He said if I wanted him, he was going to let me make my own way to him, on my own time. This suddenly made me attracted to him about ten times more than I was. He said his big fear of the night was that Doug and I hit it off and that Doug would take me away from him. I told him no chance. We kiss more, he points to the window, dawn is breaking, we had just spent the whole night talking. He says, "I have to go, I have a job I promised someone, but first can I try something with you?" I say yes and he takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom, I know with him though it will be nothing sexual, he is the most decent guy that I ever met. He gets me to lie down puts me into a spooning position. He is a big man, wraps his arms around me, we cuddle in together, I feel warm, safe, protected and in few minutes he falls asleep, I don't wake him because I want to stay like this forever. Outside I see the soft blue light of morning, I close my eyes and fall asleep as well.

After twenty minutes he wakes up, gently places his huge hand on my chest to lay me on my back, he half places his body over me, again Dave embraces me and deeply and passionately kisses me. For the first time in years I feel so alive. So this is me, Steven the gay man in Dave's arms, so this is me, this is who I am, this is where I belong, it feels right, for once I am not going against the grain, for once I am not swimming against the current. I feel his warmth, touch him, breath him. I let myself dream away in this moment, it is what I have been searching for and I know this is my truth.

Dave keeps asking if he is dreaming, so I pinch him. Then I ask him the question on everyone's mind. Did you know what I meant about the "wish you would bite joke," he laughed and said yes he completely understood what I was doing and wanted to watch me squirm. I lightly cuff the side of his head for that. Again he said he wanted to let me decide what I wanted, I kiss him and say "I choose you." He looks at me and tells me he loves my eyes, he says it is why he was trying to get me to see the ice sculptures before the sun went down, he wanted to see the sunlight reflect in them. I melt when he says things like that, I ask him if this means we are boyfriends now, he says he really likes the sound of that. He lies on his back and pulls me on top of him. He runs his huge hands under my shirt, up and down my back, it drives me wild. I pull his sweater off, I want to touch skin and I start to feel his chest, he gives me one of his playful winks that I love so much. We explore each other a little but he is a really decent guy, it is one of the things that makes him so attractive to me. We lay in each others arms, he says he must go.

The clock says it is past noon, we finally get up. I gather all his stuff for him and he gets ready to leave. He asks how soon can he see me again, I say as soon as he can get back here! We kiss one final time, he says he can't believe this happened, it was something that he never expected or saw coming. I say I feel the same, I tell him to call me when he gets home so I know he did not fall asleep at the wheel. He gives me a tight hug before going out the door, now suddenly my apartment feels really empty. I smile to myself and think "finally I have someone" I make a mental note to tell the other guys, 'sorry I am off the market', and then head back to bed to sleep the rest of the day off.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Gay To My Core

..............Book Two..... (of Steven's crazy weekend)
Leaving off from the last post, to recap I did not enjoy my time at the gay bar, Dave felt bad over the situation and promised a bar he thought I would like better. We went into the second bar and this was so much better, it was all guys no women. The first bar of the night was a younger crowd and very metro dressed, this bar was filled with real men I would say around twenty-five and up, the type of men that you mostly would never guess are gay. They looked good but not too much into themselves as far as clothes and hair. These guys looked like jocks, business men, construction workers, more my type of guys. There are three floors, we waited in line to get to the second floor as that is where the action is. When I got up there, it is hard to describe but I felt so into my sexuality to my very core. It was very male sexually charged. The atmosphere was erotic, it was dark, hot, the air was thick, the music was pumping and you could feel it in your chest. Guys mostly just moved onto one another, for some there was no formality, just direct desire. The masculine was being celebrated here, there was no sign of anything feminine.

Dave asked me to dance, it was so awesome to finally be dancing with another guy, plus a guy I liked so much, we were surrounded by guys, men that were into each other, dancing with each other and I suddenly realized, no matter how straight looking a guy was, he was gay just like me. It was good to just let go, feel the music and let myself be hypnotized by the lights! I remember thinking 'Patrick, Danny look I finally got to dance!' It was hot on the dance floor and a lot of guys removed their shirts, eye candy everywhere, and not only were you allowed to look, they wanted you to look. There was such a charge in the room, guys dancing, rubbing their bodies together in a seductive way, guys shirt-less making out and I was glad to be wearing a long tailed shirt because it deeply aroused me and I was so hard for the first half of the night. This total little hottie seemed to be alone, he came over and danced with us, he was model cute, nice body, well dressed, and really had the moves. Dave and I joked about making a sandwich. Dave also would ask me which guys I thought were hot, the truth was, I mostly was looking at him and not the other guys. He told me when it comes to relationships, I need to figure out what I want. He then asked me what I want, I panicked and said I did not know, because the truth was I wanted him. The dance floor was shrouded in fog and the lights were pumping to the music, this is what I have wanted for so long and we danced until we were soaked with sweat.

While dancing, another young well dressed guy started to dance beside me, he would look right at me and smirk. I was not sure if this was a signal or if he was drunk, I was thinking it can't be, after all I was with Dave. Later I needed a water break and wanted to check out the bar more. I was getting bottled water at the bar for Dave and I, when guess who leaned on the bar right beside me. It was the young guy from the dance floor, he started talking to me and I realized, oh crap he is trying to pick me up, panic! He was probably only between 25 to 28 and I was so flattered but also scared shitless, I know nothing about picking up guys and to be honest I am always afraid of getting something. I chatted with him, acted really friendly and then ran away (see chicken), Dave saw this and was laughing at me over it. I just don't know what to do. I figured oh well, he will move on to someone else.

The funny thing is, I was busting to go pee since we left the first bar, but I was so tense now with this atmosphere, I became pee-shy and could not go. By now I really really had to go so I thought I would give it a try, things felt like they were about to happen when suddenly this guy beside me says "how you doing" while flopping his penis at me, then everything shut down, I swear I heard a little door slam shut and lock inside me somewhere. Just as well because then the guy pulled out a camera phone and took pictures of guys urinating. There was a room in the back where guys would go in, black walls, no lights and no windows in there, so you can guess what goes on. Some of the guys coming out were so hot and I just don't see why they would go that route. I thought it was gross but also it was erotic to see the men come out and you could tell by their face that they just had sex. Dave saw me looking, he asked me if I wanted to go in, I paused, looked up into his handsome face and said yes, then we both burst out laughing, ugh no way we said. When Dave tried to use the washroom he had a guy next to him that started masturbating, no wonder we just could not go! We laughed about this, I was not upset, we just rolled with it because it certainly was an experience, in fact I think I would have been disappointed if some of this did not happen. Couples were kissing like mad, some had met only moments ago, really good porn was on the screen above the bar, some guys were dressed in leather and chains. I thought it was weird and funny and knew enough to stay away from it, but like a train wreck, I am going to look.

We headed back to the dance floor, back to having fun between us. The strange thing was I know Dave does not like to dance, even his friends he met at the bar were surprised to see him up dancing. It made me wonder because we danced all night and I almost hoped it had to do with me. You know when a man will do something he does not like, just to please someone that he does like. One friend whispered to Dave that I am cute, which made me feel good since the guy who said it was hot! Out of no where comes 'cute guy' again and he starts dancing beside me, giving me one of those hungry wolf stares, Dave assured me that this guy was trying to pick me up. Then after a few minutes another guy comes along and starts to do the same thing to Dave. We find this funny and talk into each other's ear, strange, we have been like this all night and every time he speaks to me our cheeks touch, in fact he presses his cheek against mine and this sends jolts through me, he places his hand on my shoulder, caresses my back as he talks to me and I want to kiss him, in front of everyone, I want everyone to know I am nuts about this guy, I have a deep yearning to be with him and I think why can't he see that, why can't he feel the same way back regarding me.

We are done, we can't dance anymore, soaked, tired and fulfilled. Dave asks if I want to head home, I say yes. We try to use the washroom again before we leave but this old pot belly guy comes in and starts to j/o, so we get our coats and go. While leaving the bar, who is standing outside but my young friend that was trying to pick me up. He calls to me, asks if I am leaving, wishes me good night, says 'see you around', wishes me good night again. Dave is laughing about it because I am so startled by this attention. I think, if only I was more comfortable with myself and did not have feelings for Dave, I would like to turn around and ask "so are you coming with me or what?" Dave drives me home, I thank him for the most fun I probably have had in a long time. I want to talk to him more, I don't want him to go home just yet, I think if I get him alone I would like to tell him how I feel about him, that way at least I would know if I had any chance with him or just banish the thought if he says I am not his type, that there is no hope for me with him. As we pull into my building, I make my bold move and ask him if he wants to come up to my apartment. Dave has told me many times he just wants to be my friend, but I am ready for whatever happens, ready for whatever that means to a man that has been out for a long time. He seems shy about the question, not sure what to expect of me, smiles and agrees to come up. Okay so everyone get caught up with your reading and I will post the last of this weekend! Oh and I am not sorry to leave you hanging one bit, I am totally doing it on purpose! ;)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Fasten Your Seatbelts

PART ONE, Book 1
Fasten your seatbelts, you are in for a long and strange ride. Around two Saturday afternoon Dave calls to confirm plans as to what we are doing. We decide to take a walk and view the ice sculptures down town, dinner, then head over to the Lookout bar. I am still confused at this point whether Dave sees me as a friend or potential boyfriend, the answer comes quickly to me when he asks if I mind another friend coming along with us, my mind was thinking 'hell no' but I said "um uh yeah sure I guess." I kind of figured that Dave was not into me so I might as well make another gay friend. Actually it later worked out that the third guy did not join us until after our walk. We made our way to the sculptures and spend almost an hour there, Dave is so easy to talk to, I felt such a strong connection to him, he was easily taller than most people there and I followed him like a puppy, looking up into his eyes, wishing that he felt the same about me. His voice, his smile, the way he winks at me if we saw something funny or he teases me, just made me watch every move he made. I knew it was silly to be so attached to someone so soon but it was just happening and I did not know how to stop it.

We talked a lot about coming out, his past relationships etc. He also spoke about looking for someone to start a relationship with and about a guy he was going to meet later this week. I felt the plug being pulled from my chances with him and settled for the reality of it. Sometimes I thought he liked me but I figured because I am knew to the scene, Dave did not want to take the chance. I tried to give small hints to him that I was interested in him but he never seemed to pick up on them, or worse I knew it may also have been that he did notice them and ignored them so as not to hurt me.

We met guy no# 3 (Doug), not my type but a nice guy. He also explained that he was only out to a couple of friends, sorry but this guy would make any person's gaydar kick into over drive. Most of his friends must know and just not say anything. It was nice to be able to talk about gay issues at the table and it was great that I did not care who over heard us. To be honest, I still would liked to have been born straight and I think that will always be there, to be married with kids and part of the norm, but now at least I stopped hating the fact I'm gay. Sitting there I was thinking, if I have to be gay, I want to be gay just like Dave, gay just like my lesbian friends, gay just like all my blog friends, I am part of that norm, there are a lot of great people in that club and I am okay with being part of it. We finished up and headed over to the Lookout. This was pretty much the end to the normal night I was having.

We got to the bar around ten, I was disappointed as there were almost no people there, mostly a handful of cute Lesbians. We came to watch the drag show that was at eleven. While waiting for the show to start, there was a young couple, early twenties sharing our booth, one was a young woman, super sexy and her partner we were not sure about. I thought it was a boy-ish cute lesbian, the other guys thought it was a cute guy. The girl a little drunk, turns to us and says "I am a married straight woman who likes to fuck lesbians," we just look at each other, I mean what do you say to that. As the night moves on, this girl starts to rough play with her partner, knocking over and spilling her beer everywhere, lucky for us we don't get wet. The bar begins to fill, Dave, Doug and I had picked a booth that faces the door and dance floor, we have an awesome time checking out the other guys as they come in or dance. One guy kept staring at Dave and I, like that stalking, National Geographic look a lion gives to the gazelle just before he attacks. Looking out the upstairs window, I really begin to feel for my gay brothers and sisters as I watch them approach the building, check over their shoulders to see if anyone who knows them is looking and then enter the bar.

As all this is going on, the annoying chick next to me says, "I have a really great husband at home, he does everything for me, it is just I want babies and a lesbian can't give me babies" umm uh okay, I mean again what can I say, other than I don't give a crap! By this time she is leaning up against me, at first I am thinking she is just a fag-hag and is comfortable around gay guys but suddenly I begin to receive other signals. She hangs on me, giggles at things I say, gives me high fives, tells me I need to loosen up, feels my leg, yes you saw that right, feels my leg and not by accident, the full under the table grab. She gets up to use the washroom, french kisses the boy-girl and tells us "this is my ex, we were dating before I married my husband." While she is gone I turn to the guys and say what the frig is up with that, I go to a gay bar so that for only the second time in my life, I can be me in a gay world, and I get hit on by a girl, a very pretty girl under 25 I might add!

The drag show starts and actually it is really lame, they were not funny, not fabulous, can't even dance well and did the worst lip syncing that I ever saw. In fact they probably took their looks too seriously. They also had a dance team come in and dance to a couple of songs, they were good but the dancers were so young that I wanted to put a shirt on them in case they caught a cold. My new girl friend was back at this point, now it was worse, she was hanging right on me, and would grab my arm and leg while talking to me, the boy-girlfriend was glaring at me ready to fight, I had enough. I pulled away and gave her the WTF stare, she said to me "oh are you gay" I said "girl I am TOTALLY gay, you can't get more GAY-ER than me!" Finally she got the message, she says "yeah that is my ex, she's a boy, yeah my ex, she is a boy" then she went on to tongue her ex and begin to undo their pants until a worker told them to stop. Doug and I said we saw enough and wanted to leave.

Out in the street I was so ticked off, straight people have the whole world to themselves, why did this one have to invade my space, put me in that awkward place and awkward feeling of being hit on by a girl that I have no interest in and never will. I lived that feeling my whole life, this should have been a sanctuary for me from that. Dave felt really bad for me when he understood how upset I was about this and why. It brought back memories of trying to get dates with girls and being shot down, especially one this pretty and where was she when I was trying to hide in the closet! I often tell people I think I am in a gay Mr Bean movie, this is very typical of me to go to a gay bar and have a woman try to pick me up. I was so disappointed over the whole experience. Dave being a sweet-heart felt so bad (I want to date this guy so much) that he said " you can either go home, or to make it up I'll take you to another bar I think you will like better." I said yes and that was the best decision of the night. Sorry this is so long but I wanted to get down everything that happened over this crazy weekend, plus things will get better in the next post, so everyone get caught up on your reading and I will post Book Two tomorrow! Haha!

Friday, February 8, 2008

When It Rains, It Pours

When I was younger and first moved to the city, I had a female friend who sometimes ran into a dry spell with her dating men. Usually after a while she would get asked out by a nice guy, only to turn around and be asked out by one or more other men in a few days time. She had this saying "when it rains, it pours" meaning having no one and suddenly too many to choose from.
Today I went out for my first coffee date, with guy number two, I will call him Tom. I was laughing at myself all cocky and confident on my way to meet him, checking myself out in the mirrors at the mall. I was a bit nervous but I am starting to get used to putting myself into uncomfortable situations lately. We met and wow, he is a really good looking guy as well. A little taller than me, dark hair and eyes so blue you could swim in them. I could not help think, I wish we met when he was twenty five or so, he must have been DAAANG hot then because he certainly is good looking now. He was really down to earth as well, friendly and we hit it off. He is very straight acting/looking, which is a huge turn on for me. We walked around town a bit, went to a coffee shop talked there for a while. He drove me home since I had taken a bus, I invited him up because I felt I could trust him. He stayed a couple of hours and we talked a lot as he is also dealing with accepting his attraction to men. It went well, we made plans to meet next week and then it was over, like I do this all the time!

After I went to check my emails and there was a sweet one from guy number one, Dave was apologizing that he would be unable to take me to Montreal this weekend. I told him not to worry, he then called and asked me if I would like to go out with him to dinner, movie and The Lookout bar Saturday evening, I thought about it, for like a fraction of a second and said yes as calmly as I could without jumping through the phone! I am excited about the Lookout, it is one of the more famous gay bars here and a very mixed crowd, I am hoping to bump into one of my lesbian friends to show off my new man!

There is even actually a guy number three, I don't get that same feeling from his emails and so I will end it with him as I want to see where this goes with Dave and Tom. I was thinking how odd, I was thinking of my friend saying when it rains it pours. The chances that I find these guys all at once, I guess my nude picture worked, no just kidding, that would never happen! Sitting there at my computer thinking how funny this is, an email came in from a guy that had expressed interest in meeting me last week. I had been interested in meeting this guy but he never replied back after the first contact emails, so I assumed he was not interested. He said sorry for not emailing for so long (a week) but that he was really busy and even now he was so busy that he was letting me know there would be another email coming. Yeah well DELETE!

So I told Dave and Tom about each other and my situation. They both seemed fine with that for now, so why do I feel like I am cheating! They are so different from each other, Dave is that sweet, funny guy that a person would think of as your life partner material, he even asked me if I would get married to another man, I said yes and he was quite happy with that answer. On the other hand, Tom has that sexual energy about him, he is respectful but I feel a bit of that wild boy from him and honestly it is a bit exciting. This is not fair, nothing and now two good guys! This is hard work, I mean I am not used to being in any kind of relationship so I have to appear not that interested without making them think I don't care at all. You know I don't want to seem really needy and scare them off. Oh wow, gay life here I come!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

First Gay Bar, Woo Hoo!

So I finally did it, I went to my first gay bar last night! There is more to this story though and how it unfolded. I mentioned a while ago that I had made another new friend here in the city, we have spoken on the phone and emailed a few times. The other day we exchanged pictures and I nearly hit the floor, he is a tall ruggedly handsome guy, sooo my type! He asked if we could meet and go out for coffee or a drink, I said yes I would love to. He is a really thoughtful person, we were going to meet at a gay bar but knowing that would be uncomfortable for me, he had us meet for coffee first, and then after go together to the bar. I felt so nervous waiting for him and when he walked in I think my tongue fell out. He was a lot better looking than his picture, and tall, real tall, yeah got to love a tall guy. My legs were shaking like crazy, it felt like they were jello. We had spoke on the phone but meeting in person is so different. He is so down to earth and such a really nice guy. We are starting a friendship but I knew from this guys emails, I would like much more. We hit it off great, I suddenly realized I was making him nervous as well, I liked that feeling. We finished our drinks and headed out to the bar.

On our way there, he had this big grin on his face, he asked if I would go to a 'shop' with him. I knew what was coming so I said sure. He took me into a gay sex shop, he was kind of laughing and I know he was doing it to tease me but he also turned around and seriously said that if I felt uncomfortable we could leave at any second. I looked around at all the things that will never ever touch my body. It was fun to have friend with me in there. I did not think until after that I should have bought a T shirt. We walked out and smack into my cousin's husband, crap, busted, see told you it is a small town! Oh well, hopefully he did not see where I came from, we talked a little, really there is nothing I can do about it now and honestly I am only mildly bothered about it.

We went to the bar, it is more of a bar to relax in, like a gay cheers. It was almost all men, maybe four or five real women in total. Just joking about the real women part, no drag there, a lot of guys dressed up, after a day at the office types. Most actually looked straight to be honest or I should say you could not tell them from straight guys in a group setting. I liked it, friendly place and it was nice to be able to openly talk about gay issues and relationships. It was also nice that the people around us were talking about the same things. It was awesome to go with someone else and not have to walk in alone. I was a bit on the defensive at first if another guy came to close to me tough, then finally I realized someone is not going to come up and hit on me. Even if they did, it is kind of a good thing and I can always respectfully decline.

The guy, lets call him Dave. We got along so well, like I said Dave is a real easy going, down to earth guy, funny, easy to talk to and the more I got to know him, the more I want to get to know him! We talked for hours and by the end of the night he was sitting very close to me, he is a total gentleman so no jumping into bed and he is a romantic at heart from what I can tell. I was under a spell staring into his soft brown eyes as he spoke to me, he even smelled good and I don't mean cologne, I mean his body, every now and then he would touch my leg, arm or shoulder and it would send a charge through me, I felt so alive. I think we both really opened up to each other, he is one of those people that you meet and feel like you have always known him. Finally we had to go, I did not want the night to end. When I got home, I knew I was really taken by him. I worried all night if he liked me, was my hair okay, did I look good, would I ever have a chance with him, what did he think of me. I worried that he would not consider dating me since I am only coming out. He is totally someone I would like to try dating. This morning I think I got my answer. He emailed me at seven this morning to say what a nice time he had and that he thought I was handsome. Then after he emailed me some pictures and jokes. I think that is a sign, yes?

Well yes you better believe we made plans to meet again, he wants to take me in a few weeks to Montreal, they have a much better gay night life there. They also have male strip bars there, not that it is really my thing, just it is something I want to experience at least once, so I asked and he agreed. I can't wait! The other strange thing is that Friday I have another coffee date, and this guy seems pretty down to earth as well. If we hit it off, how strange will it be that I have two really nice guys that may want to date me after all this time alone!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Sex Application

Gay sex, I guess that has your attention. I am tired of thinking about it, looking at it, reading about it. I totally want it, I want to feel a guy's lips on mine, I want to run my hands up and down some guy's body, I want to smell him, breath him, feel him. I want to watch him undress, I want him to undress me, I want to lie down with him, arms and legs tangled up together. I want to hear the sounds he makes, watch him, taste his skin. I want to see another man naked besides just seeing them on the net, I want to see, feel, touch another penis besides my own, I want to see him hard, see him excited. This is taking too long, why can't I find a nice guy that is willing to....

I am thinking of taking applications, you know like a job application. Well hopefully having sex with me would be fun and not seem like a job! I am not sure however what questions or comments I should put on it.

........................Steven's Sex Application.........
Job Experience:
He does not need experience, actually probably the less the better, we could both learn as we go, plus I don't want someone who has been around the block so many times that he carved a path in the concrete to his door. I don't have any experience but I will make up for it with enthusiasm!

Tools & Equipment:
I am not hung up on looks, he can be an ordinary looking guy, I do really like tall guys, that would be hot but short guys are cute too (shout to John) so that does not matter to me either. Penis size, everyone talks about it, I don't care really, maybe the smaller the better as well, since I would be new at this, meaning I think I might pass out if he unzipped an eight or nine! I am not interested in toys yet, well I would like to get to use my new flavoured condoms!

Positions Of Interest:
Almost all positions are available, he could explain which position he was interested in and what he had to bring to the table on that position, or counter, floor, shower etc. None of that tongue in bum stuff, oh no that is not happening. You really want to do it to me, then fine but no way are you kissing me after unless you rinse out with bleach for six weeks. Come to think of it, I don't even like getting water in my eyes so not really into facials either. Positions, well lets try them all and see what we like.

Relationship To Coworkers:
Well to start he has to get along with me, that usually makes for good sex. If he already has a boyfriend then no cheating that is just not right, so bring the boyfriend along because I am at the point where I will go along with that.

I hope he has really good ones! ;)

...This application is open to people of all races and faiths but not gender, oh no I am a total bigot there! NO WOMEN need apply, girls yuck, totally yuck yucky, yuck yuck! :p

The CEO of this company reserves the right to panic and not reply to any applicants since he is a total chicken, very conservative when it comes time for real life and would never ever actually go through with something like this!

Sunday, February 3, 2008

My Thoughts On Broke Back

Well I finally watched Broke Back Mountain and I am telling you first off that I am going to rent this movie again for my Dad. He is going to love this movie, he has said he wants to see it, not because he is so artistically open minded, but because he loves cowboy movies. Not the shoot em-up kind but the horse riding bull bucking type. I'll have to FF the sex scene for him but other than that I think it should be okay. I liked this movie, not because it was about two gay guys but because it was over all in my opinion a good movie. A lesbian friend of mine told me that the film will probably not move me, as much as it did for straight people or really closeted gay people. She said because we have watched gay love stories that were made for gay audiences, so they were more in-depth and because we have already dealt with a lot of emotions shown in this film. Now fans of this movie don't go nuts on me but I have to agree. Maybe if I watched this five or more years ago, I probably would have balled halfway through it, but as for now the only time I felt a little wet around the eyes, was at the end when he was alone in that cramped trailer and says "Jack I swear" I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that it was the end and also we lost the fine young actor saying the lines.

I thought the story line was good, the shots were great. I liked the way it was not always about them being gay and yet at the same time it was about them being gay. Naturally I saw a lot of me in the choices Ennis made and at the end I thought to myself "I don't want to be Ennis Del Mar" I don't want to end up alone. I think him living in the trailer at the end drives home the point hard, any sort of life with Jack would be a lot better than being so alone with nothing and no one, I think in a way he is dead also, inside. However like I said earlier, I have been dealing with these feelings for the past couple of years and have watched a lot of gay movies, so there was no shock moment or light bulb switching on for me. I would say the movie helped a lot of straight people move forward to understanding this is who we are, not something we chose just to be different like a punk haircut.

If you asked me the scenes that stuck in my mind, I would have to say when Ennis and Jack first split up and Ennis hid in the ally and cried, because we just feel he is over whelmed knowing he is about to start a life that he does not want, and could not understand the life with Jack that he does want or how to go about asking for it. Another other scene was of the old gay rancher that was murdered and mutilated just for being gay. How the father also took his sons to teach them not to be gay. It made me angry to think that sort of stuff did probably happen even though the gay couple did not bother anyone else. I bet all those good decent folks went home after, to drink and beat their wives before showing up to church on Sundays. Another one that surprised me was when Jacks mother was subtletly letting Ennis know that she understood who he was in relation to her son and told Ennis he was welcome to came back anytime. The scene in the mountains when they are older, every one makes fun of when Jack says 'I wish I could quit you' but I was a little moved when next Ennis cries and is so over whelmed with hopelessness that he falls to his knees, you could not help feel sorry for his character. Of course also the final scene with him in the trailer, no Jack, no family and the trailer basically empty, ending with the shirt and post card on the door and the small window beside it.

It was also interesting to watch Ennis struggle against Jack every time he tried to bring him in close, as if fighting off Jack's affection would fight off his homosexuality. He would always push away until he was brought in by Jack, then it was as if he was giving in to who he was and for brief moments he would accept it only to fight it off again. I was there at one time, partly still feel that way and I also see it in blog-land as well. I think anyone who is gay or gay positive should see this movie, it is actually a good movie and can stand on it's own without the hype of being a gay love story for the masses. By the way, as a farmer's son, I totally agreed with the herding boss, there is no way I would hire them again if they were banging all night while wolves were killing my sheep, gay or not! I give it a two thumbs up, I will also let you know what my Dad says next time I rent it, maybe it is even an opening for me to tell him if he acts positively towards the film.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Steve's Gay Friday

Friday was my gay shopping day, with a huge snow storm coming I knew that I would be stuck inside, so I wanted to get a few things to tie me over since TV really sucks now. Not having watched the movie before, I wanted to watch Broke Back Mountain since Heath's death. I needed to get a few groceries first and thought I could pick the movie up on the way home. I also wanted to be very gay in that I have noticed my soap is drying out my skin so I decided to switch to a gentle Body Wash (ooh la la), I was also looking into getting lotion to keep my skin soft and wrinkle free, next it will be freaking eye liner I guess!

I went to the grocery store also to check out if my hot guy was there, darn no luck he was not working. I bought my snack food for movie night and headed out to get a hair cut and the DVD. The weather by this time had become insane and the car was sliding all over the place, my usual store I rent DVDs from is far from me as it used to be on the way home from work. With the roads turning out really bad, I decided to go to a Block Buster close to where I get my hair cut. After my hair cut I went to a drug store and while looking for skin products I walked by the shelves with condoms. I have been talking to two guys this week and I thought I better have some on hand just in case. There were so many kinds I was totally over whelmed, I did not know which box to choose! I saw this box of four Luscious Flavours and it made me laugh, I thought I just have to have those, even if I never use them I want a box of flavoured condoms. As I approached the counter I could hardly keep a straight face as I suddenly realized I was buying a large bottle of lotion, moisturizer and a box of condoms, yeah not too perverted looking. Next I went to get my movie.

When I went in there the line ups were like at Christmas, guess everyone had the same idea and wanted to get movies before things became even worse out. I did not see Broke Back on the shelves and I also did not want to wait forever in line only to be told they were out, plus I would have the bother of getting a membership card as well. I was a little upset that I would not be able to watch it, there is a place that sells used DVDs in the mall but they did not have it either. On my way home I remembered that the little tuck shop in my building rents DVDs, I figured they would not have it but I could watch something else. When I went in I could not believe my eyes, BINGO! They had it! Here I made a special trip to get it and it was in my building all this time! I also made note that it did not bother me at all to rent it in front of people I know of in my building, six months ago I would have been dying to pick it up and watch it but also would have been too afraid someone might see me rent it. I also rented The Forty Year Old Virgin, no smart ass comments on that one please! I will talk about BBM and what I thought of it in another post later.

The last thing I bought was a calling card, now you may be saying "but Steve, that is not gay," well it is when you are topping up your phone to talk to two guys that you met on line. I don't use my land line until I am sure they are not crazy. The first guy you will be shocked to know I want to hook up with for sex, yup you read that right. He seems nice enough and wants to be friends with benefits later when we get to know one another, I am pretty frustrated so I am ready to give it a go. Now don't everyone panic, I will check him out well before anything happens. The second guy came out of the blue just looking for a friendship, he seems like an awesome person and I am totally trying to get in good with this guy. Guy number one was busy but I spoke with guy number two, I was very surprised with how much easier it was now for me to call up a total stranger. He is a really down to earth guy and was easy to talk to. We ended up talking for well over an hour. It felt good to make that connection. There you have it, Broke Back Mountain, Flavoured Condoms, Body Wash and gay guys on my speed dial, made for a much more interesting Friday than watching Ghost Whisperer. I am kind of sorry that I don't have any bananas to try out one of the flavoured condoms, even at least a pickle. That was my gay Friday now I wonder what I should do tonight.