Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Until next year.

 The post earlier today about mom was supposed to be yesterday's post, unfortunately living in the country has many technological disadvantages and it got hung up in cyberspace until this morning. I didn't plan on having a melancholy type post for New Year's eve. As usual you guys were supportive, I will answer your comments but I will wait to give others time to add something if they wish.

 After much thought I have decided to suspend blogging until next year... yes I know many of you will be heartbroken without my clever wit and will miss me greatly. I would like to say that I will miss you too... I would like to say that but...

 Anyway I hope you have a good New Year's eve no matter how you decide to celebrate it or don't celebrate it. Today I text a friend and said that year wise, this is the last day we get to write the number 19 as a current year date... that's for the number nerds. See you next year in 2020!

My new reality.

 I was sitting in my living room last night with all the lights off. Just relaxing in my big comfy chair, staring out the window at the Christmas tree. The wind was making the lights dance. I was in power down mode getting ready for bed.

It suddenly occurred to me that this was the first Christmas without mom. I did see her that night but it's not the same. The odd thing is I didn't even notice it. I think unlike with dad who was suddenly not there anymore, mom has been slowly slipping away from us, leaving no option but to learn to cope. To be honest, even though she was with us in the past, for probably the last three Christmases... she was not part of the conversation. She would speak if spoken to but she would be in her own world otherwise. I can still remember the first Christmas without Dad, as clear as if it was a year ago (Christmas number 11 now, unbelievable to me). At dinner we were sitting there in silence, shell shocked, almost waiting for him to join us, it seemed completely wrong to be having Christmas dinner without him. Compare that to me enjoying my day last Wednesday. Yes mom did cross my mind throughout the day but I wasn't down about it.

 My sister and her partner had a long time friend join them for Christmas. I felt we could relax and enjoy ourselves, with mom around, it can be like having a small child that you need to keep an eye on. Even when I went to visit mom, it was more for me than her. Normally when I would say it's Christmas, she would act surprised over and over but at least she grasped the meaning. This time around, saying it's Christmas meant about as much as saying it's Wednesday to her.

 I guess I have gotten used to the idea of living without mom, this is my new reality and I think that's healthy. When asked if my parents are still around, I now say no... because I no longer have parents, they are gone, mom's body is still alive but she is gone and I just realized I have finally accepted that.

Saturday, December 28, 2019

Just me or...?

 Is it just me or is anyone else in shock that soon it will be 2020!?! That freaks me out every time I hear someone mention it! Honestly it feels like we only just had the Y2K issue five or six years ago, you remember... the jets were supposed to fall out of the sky onto your roof at midnight. All the little babies born that day will turn into twenty years old men and women... yikes... no seriously YIKES!!!

 Also double yikes because if you were a teen in the eighties, then everything to do with the eighties will start to turn forty! All the songs, tv shows, movies, books and gadgets that came out in 1980, will start to turn over as 40 years old. Nothing says over the hill like your favorite memories being over that hill!

 I need a nap, this is too stressful to think about... oh wait a minute, isn't that what old people do... meh screw it... I'm having a nap, cup of tea or rocking in my rocking chair, whatever the heck I want to do... so back off whipper snappers! Seriously though 2020! 2020! Unbelievable, where did the time go.

Friday, December 27, 2019

Down come the decorations!

 Okay I decided to take down the decorations even though I said people should leave them up. Here's the only thing I had up inside the house.
 Yup... that's it, one sad little lone Christmas card. I never think to send any out and I guess everyone gave up on me this year... so I got just this one. I have nothing else up inside so I decided to toss the card yesterday, effectively taking down all my inside decorations... lol.

 One of my neighbours was missing my Christmas trees, inside and out. She's having a hard time at the moment so I put up a tree outside on Christmas eve, I knew she would be surprised to see it later on her way to mass. She thanked me for the thoughtfulness, she instantly knew I did it for her.

 There little Christmas tree, banish the darkness, let some joy into my friend's heart, let her know she is often my light so I am giving your light to her as a gift in return.

Thursday, December 26, 2019

Boxing day? Don't hit me!

 Boxing day, so called because of all the religious people that go out and punch each other in order to get to the good deals first. Actually I think it's something to do with putting everything away. I know many people who are obsessed with taking down the tree and decorations today. I never understood that, all the effort to put them up, now just when you have a little time to enjoy them, you take them down. January and February really really really really really really suck in this part of the country, a little light and colour helps keep away the gloomies!

 No... nooo, nope, nah, no way, non, pas, forget it, not, not happening, nooooo I am NOT going shopping today. I never tried it until a few years ago, I went and found it to be a complete waste of time. I don't even think I bought anything that day. The only men's clothes that I wanted were on sale 30% off, I waited until later in the week and got them for 50 and 70% off. It wasn't worth the stress. Plus I'm definitely not a crowds person.

 Today I was invited to a boxing day party, I was told they already have everything so just bring myself. Sounds easy enough, I will bring some cookies I made, I never like showing up empty handed. It's an afternoon party, we will probably have a fire outside since the weather is nice, maybe roast marshmallows etc. Best of all though is we will sit around and chew the fat... lol. Have a good day everyone.

Wednesday, December 25, 2019

The Christmas post, 2019.

 I had a good day today, I enjoyed myself. I wanted to start off by saying that so that people won't worry about the things I'm about to say. I woke up with my alarm this morning, I actually slept through it for a little while. I opened my eyes and thought, "ugh, got to get up". Who ever saw that coming when a child, usually I was wide awake by five as a kid. It's unbelievable to me that I woke up in the house on Christmas morning and there are no decorations, no gifts, no tree and no turkey  to be roasted in the oven, even worse, there is no one else in the house either.

 Where those memories even real? I walk down stairs and go to the room where a tree would normally be. I never saw this coming as a child, it was never part of my imagination when daydreaming about Christmas when I would become an adult. Unbelievable to some extent... but one year leads to another and then another, things constantly change and you end up alone in a big old farm house on Christmas morning.

 I went down to my sister's place and we had a nice Christmas, after I went to see mom. She was in good spirits but couldn't grasp that it was Christmas day. She had dinner and after I gave mom, her gifts. It took a lot of encouragement to get her to open her gift. She then wanted to sit and talk with a friend. I left to head home.

 Almost over for another year. I think I'm going to watch movies tonight.... and absolutely no... I don't do boxing day shopping.

Tuesday, December 24, 2019

Christmas Eve 2019.

 Wow... here we are again. I have nothing done but I'm not going to panic, there really is no point for me. I just need to make some cookies for tomorrow, wrap a few gifts and I'm good to go. I never did get into the holiday spirit no matter what I tried, I'm okay with that... as long as I don't have some mid-winter regret over it. It's going to be pretty easy after Christmas, no decorations to put away. The only thing Christmas-ish is the one sad and lonely little Christmas card I got... lol.

 I'm disappointed however with one thing, I have been trying to create my own "family" but I wasn't successful. Meaning boyfriend, group of friends etc. People to spend the holidays with. Yes... some people tell me to stop in but that's different from actual family. Nothing can feel more lonely than sitting in on someone else's family Christmas. My last really happy Christmases were when I was dating Dan, it was exciting again, it was magical again. We were making our own new memories together, we were forming a new family unit. That's what I would like to have again. Right now to me it doesn't feel like Christmas eve, it feels like Tuesday. Anyway don't worry, I'm not feeling down, as I keep saying, I just feel "meh".

 To anyone celebrating today and/or tomorrow, Merry Christmas!

 Now I'm off to make cookies... and hopefully they won't smell like cat food. :D

Monday, December 23, 2019

Steve's wild Christmas!

 Mmmm the smell of Christmas baking this morning. Wait... what? I'm not baking anything! Yet this morning in the house there was a definite odor like cookies baking. I checked the stove and furnace, nothing on or burning. It didn't smell like fire, it definitely smelled like cookies or muffins baking. I was starting to wonder if mom or my grandmothers were trying to send a message. Finally... d'oh!!! I figured it out, I had moistened some cat food in a dish with water and a little canned cat food for extra flavor, then I placed it on the heating grate to warm it up. Smelled like cookies, unfortunately it certainly didn't taste like cookies... no I didn't try it, I'm just joking.

 My wild Christmas, okay relax everyone, not "that" kind of wild. Here some pics I want to share.

 Yesterday when I got up, I could see this impression in the snow, there were no tracks leading to or from it, clearly a Christmas Angel had descended from above and came to rest upon the snow.
 No actually what probably happened was an owl came down and caught a mouse under the snow, apparently their hearing is as good as their eyes and can detect movement under the snow. Mice and voles make tunnels under the snow, creating little highways, predators like foxes and owls listen for the movement and crash through to catch them.

 The great apple caper, back in October I kept finding crab apples all around the house, I couldn't figure out what was carrying the apples to the house and dropping them. A deer would eat them if they put it in their mouth but it definitely would not carry them. A raccoon would carry it but they would chew it up or at least put little teeth marks on it. Finally I saw the culprit and watched it one day.
 A young Fox out on its own, probably hungry was eating apples, not being part of its normal diet, it would pick up some in its mouth and I guess carried them to the house.
 Being young it came out during the day which is actually dangerous for a fox as they have enemies. Happily it is much smarter now, it still comes around but only after dark. Foxes are very hard on mice, so yay foxes!

 I was telling a friend about how a deer head suddenly fell from the sky one day. I didn't know if Santa had run into a helicopter or was it deernado, Armageddon or what was happening. Suddenly a large shadow drifted over the house and all was revealed.

 A Bald Eagle must have been carrying it and it became too heavy. There were actually two eagles, both with white heads, so maybe a pair, an offspring would be all brown. It's normal for them to come inland, they often scavenge off wolf kills.

 Speaking of deer, they are always around, I don't even notice them that much as a novelty, they are pretty though.
 I also had turkeys yesterday... Christmas turkeys??? They are destructive however, they came to the house so I went after them with a broom before they start to dig stuff up.

Saturday, December 21, 2019

I Stole This!

I have been shopping-ish for the holidays so I'm being lazy today. I have been stealing memes from other bloggers and I'm shamelessly going to use them here.

 Swiped this from sister Debra, I frigging love this, so cute. Makes me wish I had a gay son and catch him smooching with his boyfriend like this awwwww! So cute in their jammies. Plus check out the buns on the guy in blue!

 Now... I had vowed never to allow that name on my blog but I really cracked up over this, especially since I keep hearing gawd appointed you know who. I snatched this from Sickoricko's blog, it's great blog, however it is mostly an adult entertainment blog so I tend not to link to it.  Even Maddie would probably blush, I found it through Cali Boi's blog. No surprise there... ;D

 Lately I feel this applies to me, I love a dark sense of humour (humor DD), I think that's why I'm reconnecting with my school friend so well, we both have a bizarre, dark, silly sense of humour. I brazenly stole this from Leanna, a really funny cool lady, even though she is straight... hahaha!

I don't remember where I stole this from butt really.... does it matter??? Santa was telling me that after a couple hundred years of delivering toys, he's training his son, Chris to take over. Here he is suiting up.

 Now just in case you doubt my connection with Santa, remember I'm up north from most of you. Here he is coming in on the Polar Express yesterday.

 Me saying hello to you guys again. Shame on me I didn't shave, I just discovered that shadows are my friend, it hides the cracks and crevices, what do you think?

Winter Solstice, yesssss!

 Winter solstice, I'm not spiritual about it but I'm definitely aware of it in a practical sense. The days will begin to get longer soon. I'm not sure why but the darkness didn't affect me this year... so far at least. At least now it will soon start to go the other way.

 I love this piece of music, it's by Dead Can Dance, a world music type band... definitely not top forty lol. There are some pagan-ish imagines with the music so it's as best as I can do.

Friday, December 20, 2019

Life lessons and refried beans.

 Yesterday I was heating up some homemade chicken stew, I noticed there was not a full portion and decided to add something that was quick. I had some refried beans and decided to heat them up. Later I texted a friend, "whoa... note to self, never eat refried beans again"! He text back, "lol, grossing yourself out are we"? Yup! I didn't think it was possible to make the house smell like the barn without the use of farm animals... but apparently it is. Somewhat comical when I can't stand to be in the same room as me and it's a very odd feeling when you become annoyed with yourself, "ahh really Steve, really"???

 How can one little meal produce so much fuel? I have a lot of guilt now, I feel that I single handedly have caused a greater negative impact on climate change. Another lesson I learned besides staying away from refried beans... is that when you go to bed with this "issue"... blankets are not your friend!

Tuesday, December 17, 2019

Meh... holidays.

 I don't know Linus, I'm just not into Christmas this year. I'm not sure what is going on with me but I'm absolutely not feeling Christmas. When I walk through the stores, I don't even notice the decorations. Maybe because I haven't turned the television on since February, I'm not getting hit with all the commercials, possibly that's one reason. I don't mean I'm sad or depressed by the approaching holidays, I'm completely indifferent to them.

 A week until Christmas eve, I have nothing done and what's worse, I really didn't have that much to do. I was supposed to do some painting back in the fall, fix the place up a little and invite people over. I kept procrastinating and now it's too cold to open windows, so I don't want to paint, can't stand the fumes. Well there is also that little thing about Christmas being next week! I keep saying that it feels like I just put the decorations away, so maybe if I keep walking around like a zombie, it will pass and I won't notice a thing.

 I had planned on putting up Christmas lights December first, I thought that way... I would get full value out of my frozen fingers. Usually I like the lights up by second or third week of December because of the darkness at this time of year. However I haven't noticed the short days this year, it's very odd, I hope I'm not going to get hit by some "late dark days " depression or something strange like that.

 To help myself get into the Christmas mood, I bought something that usually helps kick start my holiday mood. This always reminds me of being at my maternal grandmother's house. I love the music in the cartoon as well.

 Good grief... if Snoopy can't help me... then nobody can!

Sunday, December 15, 2019

Winter returns, with a VENGEANCE!

 Yesterday it was warm and with it came heavy rains. The weather networks were calling for cooling temperatures in the evening, with snow at midnight. However mother nature didn't listen to the news. By six in the evening the temperature dropped and my car was already covered in snow. The wind picked up and my power kept going out for hours at a time. The snow stuck to the wet trees and they started to topple over onto the power lines. Sometime during the night my power went off and it's still not on. I'm sitting in a coffee shop typing this and having something warm to eat. I may not have power back on until tomorrow. My house is c.c.coooooold.

 Winter decided to come back with a vengeance. I guess we need the snow for Santa but... I can't really complain, the second week of November looked frightening but since then we have had a decent fall. I went out this morning, sometimes vengeance can be pretty.

 I like to follow, Two Men and a Farm, it makes me smile when talking about what they are growing at their farm around this time of year. This is my garden, snowpeas maybe??? Ice wine perhaps?

 I'm not getting these apples, now that they are frozen, a little too crispy for my liking! Plus to high up on a snow covered ladder.

 Okay Santa, we're ready!

Saturday, December 14, 2019

Good for the soul.

 After the lunch I had Friday, I went to do some Solstice shopping, Christmas shopping, all inclusive Holiday Season shopping? Later while having a snack, I text my childhood friend Andrew, to talk about our lunch earlier with our mutual friend Chris.

 It's an odd feeling, I spent most of my early years with these guys, so they almost feel like family and yet at the same time, I don't know them as adults. I had heard that Chris turned out to be a really nice guy and it was completely true. Nice is not a descriptive enough word for him. He also had this natural, gently flowing comical side that kept things positive during our conversation. Both Andrew and I have had a lot of sadness in our lives, Chris didn't have it easy growing up either. Yet he somehow kept us from going down a dark path when talking about tragedy. It was like he kept picking us up, dusting us off and sending us on our way. I can't remember ever enjoying a lunch between friends as much as I did yesterday. There is also the added connection of having the same experiences in school, living in the area we did and now facing life in the same age bracket.

 I sent a text to Andrew saying how much I enjoyed the lunch, and I said, "lol, Chris was so funny, such a happy guy"! Andrew text back, "and is always like that, very positive". I text back, "he's good for the soul"!

 I really mean that, "good for the soul" it wasn't just a lunch, it was a positive experience. Just like there are people who can bring you down, there are also people who lift you up, maybe not as many unfortunately but they are there, we need to have more of these people in our lives, we need to surround ourselves with people like this. My wish for you is to find the people who will lift you up. Let your goal be that interactions between people who are supposed to care for you, be positive experiences, it shouldn't feel like just spending time together, it should be a connection. I really believe you should come away from being with someone, feeling like you want to relive that moment over and over. I want you to be able to walk away smiling and thinking, "that person is good for me".

Friday, December 13, 2019

More straight buddy texts.

 Love reconnecting with my straight buddy.

Him: Are you in town Friday?

Me: Yes, I don't have to work but I will be in town. Why do you ask?

Him: I thought we could have lunch.

Me: Okay sounds good.

Him: What are you doing later in the day then?

Me: Errands, why?

Him: No reason, just nosey. Errands is code for you are doing something shameful and don't want to tell me!

Me: Wow! You really do speak Gay, I'm going to have to watch myself. Well if you want, you can come watch me get my nipples tattooed!

Him: I could ask Chris to join us for lunch.

Me: Sure, it would be great to see him again! Plus you said we should do a three-way sometime.

Him: You and your fantasies again. We could meet at M's pub it's a good place for lunch.

Me: Oooh no, I've been banned from there! Oops sorry three-way lunch, darn auto correct!

Him: Banned, for doing what?

Me: Errands... I was doing Errands... he used to be a waiter there!

Him: The dude with short dark hair?

Me: I think we better cut back on the jokes around Chris, I don't want to shock the poor guy.

Him: Yeah you're right, you should see how uncomfortable he gets when I make fun of gay people!

Me: So... sounds like I'm going to like him a lot better than you?

Him: :D

 Tomorrow I will see another school friend, he is the guy I let find out second hand that I'm gay. Then after I regretted not telling him myself. I just saw his picture and it was a relief that he looks the same... well except for grey hair and a little heavier, like the rest of us lol. I'm excited to see him again.

 Just had the lunch, holy cow did the three of us ever laugh over old times. Chris has become a really sweet kind hearted guy. I always liked him and life has turned out well for him. There was an "oh wow" moment when he said that his daughter is 26, married and just had her second child. I could be a grandpa now if I married young... well also if I was straight.

Thursday, December 12, 2019

Oh no, another music video?

 I don't listen very much to pop music, it's not my thing. If I have no choice but to listen to a pop station while driving, I find for every song I like, there are about twenty five that I can't stand. Lately I kept hearing a rather pretty song, a sad song about lost love, anyone who has been through a heartbreaking relationship, will feel the words. Finally I had to google the song and... oh no... no no it can't be... it's a Selena Gomez song.

 I used to think she was riding our good Canadian boy Justin Bieber's coattails to fame. Now that he looks like he needs a bath and attitude adjustment, I'm no longer team Justin, I'm team Selena, for reals as we kids say. She is turning out to be a beautiful, mature professional young woman. Justin has become a joke... like Lindsay Lohan or Kanye West. Anyway sorry but this is stuck in my head now. It really is pretty.
 Oh yeah ...and screw you, little white trash bitch Bieber! Selena all the way! Hahaha!

Goodbye winter???

 Well so we have already settled in for a long winter... umm probably back in November actually... but to be honest, it feels like winter came back in July.
We were having the usual snow storms blah blah blah, when all of a sudden, mother nature said, "yeah you guys are right, to heck with this winter garbage". Then she turned on the heaters and pressto we had spring again!

 It reached plus 8.9 degrees Celsius here, plus ten in Ottawa. I was searching for my shorts. I ran outside to catch up on some outdoor chores, at plus eight I was enjoying working outside. Spring! Spring! Yaaaaay! Well at least for a day, mother nature soon got over her hot flashes and it dropped to well below freezing last night. I tried to start my old tractor this morning and she said, "oh hell no, you're on your own kid, I'm staying right here".

 Anyway, a nice break from winter.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Maybe something here?

 This morning's thoughts by Steven, "cold cold freezing cold *¡#ing winter cold cookies cold. Well not totally... something else has been taking over my thought treadmill. The following questions are starting to show up, "what does this mean"? "Is there something here"? "Is this just wishful thinking"? I'm trying to seem relaxed and cooool about the sudden attention I have been receiving from a certain man. Yesterday all was quiet, I felt he probably regained his senses and was maybe even a little embarrassed by his sudden interest to me. I imagined us over the next few weeks, speaking to each other again at some party, maybe with him... grinning sheepishly at me, we would pretend nothing happened and move on. He was married, his life is a little complicated at times, so he probably would feel it's better not to start something.

 This morning when I went to check for emails and texts, I thought to myself, "if I'm wrong, if he is interested, if there is actually something to this, then he won't be able to help himself, he will need to email me. When I turned on my phone... there were both an email and message from him. I felt a little "whoa" in my stomach. The messages were cute actually, along the lines of, "it's going to be awhile before we can see each other because not a lot of group activities during the holidays". Meaning, is it okay to get together somehow, well I guess I better work on that. Hmmm, that reminds me, I missed Monday night's gay bowling!

 I'm taking this slow, I will see how we connect or don't connect. I make sure to always answer him in a positive tone, a friendly tone, this way I'm hoping he feels comfortable to reveal what is on his mind without fear of rejection. Meanwhile I'm enjoying the attention, like I said, it just feels really nice.

Tuesday, December 10, 2019

Thanks for the memories.

 As I get older... and older, one of the things that almost hurts, is when I hear about some entertainer from my teenage years dying. It's like part of my youth dies, and I guess it does. It also jolts me when I think, "how long ago was that"?

 Rest in peace Marie Fredriksson, female voice of Roxette.

Monday, December 9, 2019

A Note to Steve... UPDATE! O.O

 Well... this is getting interesting! I forgot to mention that the man who sent me the nice message, was someone that I had met on line last year. I forgot to mention it because I forgot all about that. I had been trying to get this guy's attention but was having no luck, we had emailed back and forth but he didn't seem that interested in me and eventually I let it drop. I remembered that we had sent online messages but I couldn't remember if we emailed.

 Fast forward to this fall and we figured out who each of us was. Even if I wanted to email him, I wouldn't know where to look. I responded yesterday on the mutual site we belong to. This evening I received an email that wasn't familiar to me. I could read the first few lines and realized who it was, it's my new friend. Wow, that really impressed me, that means he took the time to find my email from a year ago and to send another message, it means he was worried I wouldn't see the first message or maybe not take that message seriously, it means he was thinking about me yesterday and today. He is bisexual, he was married with kids (adults now), he still is similar to a straight guy in his thinking, so it feels pretty good for me tonight because when a straight-ish man is interested in you, it can seem cute and clumsy all at the same time.. but you know it. I'm not going to over think this, maybe nothing will come of this but it makes you feel like a kid again in a cool way... because that awkward kid in high school just got a note from an older boy and he's enjoying this.

A Note to Steve.

 I'm awake early, I'm not supposed to be up yet but my body is saying get up. That's a strange thing that often happens when I am over tired, instead of sleeping like a baby, I'm awake early. This will give me time to google parts for my dryer, the belt broke so I have no way to dry my clothes, grrrr! It's supposed to rain for the next two days, I guess that will wash away early Christmas spirit. I am just not feeling Christmas, it's not that I'm depressed or "bah humbug" hate Christmas, no it's nothing like that, honestly I can't believe that the calendar has swung around to that time of year again! I just don't believe that it's in two weeks!

 Yesterday I received a little note online from someone who was at the party Saturday but had to leave early. I was actually a little sad that he had to leave, I like talking to him and hope to become friends with him. I was a little surprised by the note, we have been getting along and I do like this man but I didn't perceive anything out of the ordinary from him. Well... okay I have to confess... I have had sex with this guy about two weeks ago but that doesn't always mean anything in gay culture, (oddly enough).  The note said that while he was around me at the party, he wanted to hold me, kiss me, cuddle me but he didn't know if that would be okay. I had to read it twice, yup it says what I think it says. That makes a person feel good inside, to be desired by someone, to be noticed by someone.

 I sent the man a message back thanking him. Then I explained to him that I am a very properly raised alter boy and that it's never okay for him to try and make a move on me. I also explained that he needs permission to touch me from all my blog friends first! Well... that's not exactly what I said. I told him that I find him attractive, that I feel a chemistry between us and I said going forward... it's perfectly okay for him to try and cuddle me. :D

Sunday, December 8, 2019

No time for the dead.

 Today I was a little late getting to curling, well that happens when you are partying out all night. Anyway as I was trotting up to the change room, I could still see many people around the tables. Good, I was thinking in my head, I won't look late. When I went in, my skip said, "we are not playing today". Two friends stepped forward and asked if I heard the news? Sadly one team member committed suicide this weekend.

 He was the typical shocker of a story, nice guy, friendly, always smiling and joking, not the kind of person you think would do that. Yet we almost always read that positive description of someone who committed suicide. Everyone wanted to sit around and talk about it, not me. I didn't really know him, I'm not allowing myself to be sucked into his drama. Obviously he was hurting inside about something and wouldn't get help. I know this is about mental illness or maybe he received terrible news and couldn't go on... but I feel a little bit of anger when I think of the death and illness that I have seen lately. I told my teammates that I was home late this morning so I would return home. I text another friend to tell him what happened. I told my friend about not staying behind to talk, I said there is plenty of time to be dead there is so little time to be alive.

My Drive of Shame.

 It's 3:00 am and I'm almost home, like the "walk of shame", I'm on my drive of shame home lol. I was at a gay Christmas party, unfortunately there were a lot of bisexual guys there and all they kept wanting to talk about was... ewww.. uuugh... yuck.. icky... hot women. Actually there wasn't a lot of guys, most didn't come so my evening was "meh". Still I did enjoy myself, some pizza, movies and socializing is still better than staying home.

Friday, December 6, 2019

Gay bowling? Oh balls!

 I recently joined another LGBTQ club, they have a large group of people and do different social events together. One event coming up in the next week is gay bowling, well actually it's just bowling with gay people but gay bowling sounds funnier. Bowling is something that I have always wanted to try, I have just never had the opportunity. I figured since I already do curling, I should give this a try. If I like it, maybe I'll take it up as a social event. It will get me out with the gays, such a fun bunch. I wonder if we will be using pink balls. Maddie stop giggling!

 Speaking of balls.... there's one thing about running with the gay crowd that I'm not crazy about. It's considered to be polite in gay male society to shave our balls. Okay now Maddie you can giggle. That's right, what many of you straight people might not be aware of, many gay men shave the boys. No... I'm not going into the why, you can probably guess many of the reasons but it happens.

 Some guys must have a sack of leather, shaving doesn't seem to bother them. Some even enjoy doing it. Me, on the other hand have skin like tissue paper down there. It's ball torture and not the fun s&m kind. When I'm done, the bathroom looks like I have performed surgery on myself. After sitting in a cold water bath (to put the fire out... well not a real fire, it just feels that way) the stinging lessons. I can't help thinking about those aftershave commercials or home alone... aaaaah!

 What we do for beauty, this wasn't in the handbook that I got with the toaster oven. To be honest I have been holding back on you guys, what can I say.. I'm shy and private about certain things. I carry with me now what I call my gay sex backpack, all the supplies for safe and erotic male fun. I'm meeting up with a relaxed bunch of guys and things are going to get friendly, not too wild but extremely friendly. This is me accepting and enjoying my sexuality now. I'm only telling you this because I don't want anyone to think I'm just sitting up at the farm alone. I'm being gay and to be honest, gay is fun.

Thursday, December 5, 2019

Redundant call.

The other morning the land line phone started ringing. It made me very uneasy because mom has been unwell lately and usually an early morning call is not good. I had just gone upstairs and ran back down to get it.

 "Good morning sir, this is Nadia and I am calling as the head of the department for the Psychic Institute of Montreal".

 I had to give my head a good morning shake, did this woman just say she was the head of a psychic department? "Ummm pardon me, what did you just say"?

 "My name is Nadia and I'm calling as the head of the department for the Psychic Institute of Montreal. Do you know what that means psychic, do you know what it means to be psychic"?

  Never call a smarty pants like me and ask a stupid question. "Well to be honest I don't think you are very good psychics because you should have seen this coming". [Click]

Tuesday, December 3, 2019

Nothing Post.

 I kept going to post but I kept forgetting what the topics were that I was going to use... and I'm feeling "meh" about posting today. I don't want to put in the energy to a thoughtful post. Maybe... (lol) try Sixpence's blog... that man posts some good s##t on his site! Except when I was waiting in the doctor's office and I opened his blog and he had all these gifs of guys masturbating! I nearly dropped my phone with all the sudden vids of men pumping the piston... and me surrounded by little old ladies with the sniffles. Thanks a lot Sixpence!

 I'm really enjoying reconnecting with my old school friend and the best part is he is reconnecting with all of me, gay warts and everything. It's sweet the way he is wishing he could go back in time to support me, to protect me, that's a real man right there.

 The other thing is we still have the same sense of humour (humor 4 Deedles :D) and if anyone was reading our texts, they would have us committed. It's funny how he tries to get under my skin and I pretend not to notice.
Him: Political correctness is ruining free speech!
Me: Why do you say that?
Him: Well they are taking away the phrase, "that's so gay" it's a perfect phrase to describe something stupid, now I can only use it around my brother.
Me: OMG! We're not allowed to say, "that's so gay"? No wonder I got so many dirty looks at pride!
Him: You really do get me! :.)...
Me: That's so MAGA of you... straight boy!

 I think that I just invented a new catch phrase... "that's so MAGA of you"! Seriously lol, that does instantly describe a negative agenda and the type of people who believe in that agenda. If someone says something racist, to show displeasure you would say, "wow that was so MAGA of you" and it works for prejudice against religions and homophobic comments as well! It's perfect because as soon as you say "MAGA" you suddenly have visions of the negative groups that go with that movement. It would be a perfect insult because if you're intelligent, you wouldn't want to be associated with that movement... and if you are less intelligent, you probably would take it as a compliment... and that's so MAGA!

Sunday, December 1, 2019

It's December! Say Whaaat?

 What I should do is make a bunch of wreaths out of that dang blasted tree that came down on my shed. A neighbour with a really large tractor came and was able to lift the tree and then push it off. There is damage but I will probably wait until spring to fix it. I was lucky in how it came down near a support beam, it could have gone completely through. Where is a herd of beavers when you need them.

 I received my first Christmas card already on Wednesday. It came from sunny Puerto Vallarta, a gay friend of mine retired last summer from the government. Apparently he left at the beginning of November and isn't coming back until May, sweet!

 I love getting Christmas cards but I never think to send them out so each year I get less. I think my favorite is the funny ones, I was in a drugstore the other day, snickering like crazy over funny Christmas cards, yes my life is sad at times but I'm having fun.

 I wasn't able to meet up with gay friends today because of the snow fall warnings. I had my curling this afternoon which is only fifteen minutes from the farm so I wasn't worried about missing that. We were supposed to meet up in the city later on after my curling but I cancelled. It's 9:30 p.m. and there hasn't been one single snowflake fall yet, I would have been safely back by now, grrrr... typical!

 As a gay man I have to admit I love the festivities of the Christmas/holiday season, once I became mature enough to take all the stress and negativity out of it, I can embrace the cheerfulness and fun of it. I just scaled it back to what it used to be, people didn't spend Christmas shopping in a mall in my grandparents day. They knew how to have fun, I've heard the stories!

It's coming people, accept it! :D