Scary Stuff, Scaaary Stuff!

 For the average person today is Halloween, now it's also a special day for people who follow a different path regarding religion and beliefs but I don't follow those paths so I can't speak about them. Debra from "She who seeks" and Leanna from "Can we have a new witch" are better at providing this type of viewpoint. Yesterday Maddie had some good thoughts about past Halloweens, they were about having fun, maybe we didn't have all the costumes etc that people have today but we had a lot of fun.

 I bought some of those little chocolate bars, I usually don't get kids coming to the door but it's better to be prepared.... and then eat them later if nobody comes. Unfortunately it's raining so hard today that there are weather warnings being given out, so I doubt if I will see one child. I have a scary movie lined up, it's "Get Out", I always wanted to see it and it was on sale for $4, so I bought it.

 Now I will turn this over to someone who understands Halloween better than I do. Mr Halloween himself. Hope this doesn't frighten you off!

Happy Halloween! Now remember... tomorrow is a work day so lay off the boos!

The Coward's way out.

 I did something minor last week that I truly regret doing. It caused me to miss out on one of life's good moments, and it also robbed someone of their chance to shine.

 After the meeting went so well with my school friend, I vowed this time it's going to be different. I waited a few days to let him get over the shock of seeing me again, then I started to text him. I think texting is one of the good modern inventions, it lets you drop in and out of someone's life without bothering them if they are busy. I hooked him into my texting vortex and he hasn't been able to escape yet. It's been great, we sometimes text until ten at night. One day he mentioned another school friend that he often meets up with, Chris. He said Chris was happy to hear we met up and also wants to see me.

 I already know that Chris turned out to be a really nice guy so I wasn't hesitant. My friend also assured me that he never said a word to Chris about my sexuality. I said I knew he wouldn't say anything. He also reassured me not to worry, he said Chris never judges anyone, he said that Chris is one of the nicest guys he hangs around with and also he knows for a fact that Chris is completely comfortable with the LGBTQ community.

 I hate the anxiety of going to tell someone that I am gay. I know it's not supposed to be a big deal but no matter what I tell myself, I'm still that confused and frightened teen back in the eighties. I knew it's time to tell Chris as well, I just wanted to get it over with so that it didn't ruin our reunion. In a moment of weakness I told my friend that I trusted his judgment, I told him that I hate telling people, it makes me anxious and I said he can tell Chris the next time he talks to him.

 That night I started to have regrets about saying that, I felt it was a coward's way out of telling someone. I felt that I had better tell Andrew in the morning that I would man-up and do it myself. It would probably be awkward, he might have questions but it wouldn't be a big deal. The following day however I got caught in things and completely forgot about my texting. Later that day I received a text from Andrew, he said Chris had popped by his work and they went out for lunch. He said he told Chris about me and about our conversation. I felt like, "oh well it's done" and was prepared to move on until I heard about Chris's reaction.

 Apparently when he told him, he said Chris actually lit up, he was so happy for me that I finally felt comfortable enough to tell them. Unlike my friend, he wasn't surprised and had it in the back of his mind all this time that I was probably gay, (that still bothers me lol). Andrew said to me, "I wish you were there Steven to truly appreciate how happy and supportive he was for you". That made me feel bad but then came more guilt. Chris told Andrew to say how proud he was of me and how brave he thought I was for telling them.. plus how happy he was for me.

 I knew in that second that I made a huge mistake not telling him, not only had I robbed myself of a life affirming moment, I also robbed Chris his moment to come through for me and shine, I took that away from him. I told Andrew that I felt later, I had taken the coward's way out, that I was trying to make it easier. I said in my defense that this doesn't come with a handbook on how to do it.

 Andrew said I shouldn't be so hard on myself, he said I am working through a lifetime of anxiety. He also said no one would blame me, he and Chris understand, they were there, they know exactly what it was like. He said the thing is now that I need to know, I have friends who are 100% behind me... and I must remember that.

 I was thinking to myself... don't cry, don't cry, don't cry... meh okay, maybe just a little this time!
;.)..

Bump... in the night.

Well it's almost here, this week Halloween will arrive. I feel it marks the end of fall and a beginning of an odd pre-winter time of year for us. I don't take part in Halloween but I think it's a fun event for those that do.

 In honor of the spirit of Halloween (or spirits) I want to ask you to recall something odd that happened to you. It can be anything, something strange that you can't explain. I will give an example that has followed me for years.

 When I was about six, one afternoon I lay down on the couch and fell asleep for a while. I had a headache and sometimes a nap cured it. When I woke up, I immediately started to look for my sister, there were just the two of us and I usually followed her everywhere.

 I asked my mom where my sister was and she said that she didn't know. I called her name and she didn't answer me. Then I heard her upstairs walking through the hallway. If you are standing in the kitchen and you look up towards the stairs, the midday sun shining through the upstairs  window, will create a perfect shadow of anyone walking through the upstairs hallway, there is no way to hide or avoid it. I saw what I thought was my sister, a short shadow walked from my bedroom across the hallway towards her bedroom. I heard her footsteps as well.

 I went to the bottom of the stairs and called her name a few times but she didn't answer. My mother suddenly said from the kitchen, "oh there she is outside with your father". I walked over to the door and looked out, to my surprise I saw Dad was fixing something and my sister was holding it for him. I asked mom who was upstairs, she looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face and said no one.

 I went outside and once my sister was finished helping dad, I told her what I saw. We went upstairs to investigate, of course there was nothing there. To this day I have no clue what that was but my memory of it is still clear. I saw and heard something walk through the upstairs hall. Being somewhat of an atheist and a skeptic, my only explanation is that I was some how still in a partial dream after my nap. That's my explanation and I'm sticking to that one.

 What about you, was there ever something that you just filed away because it was too nutty to think about. You can either mention it in the comments or take it as a blog string and post about it on your own blog.

Everything I wished for and more.

 Sometimes when I send someone an email, google takes part of the paragraph and places it at the bottom of the email. Almost like a quote from a book, to give you an idea of what's inside. It's a little unsettling at times but it gave me today's title. I will get to the title later but first the lunch with my school friend.

 I was finally able to have lunch last week with my old classmate. I was going to tell him about me being gay but something happened that caused me to decide to wait for another time. When I posted about him being successful, many of you replied that maybe he had issues I don't know about. He didn't have an easy life to be honest and that's why I'm all the more impressed.

 The reason for my meeting was that he lost an older sibling to a horrific and senseless accident. He had two siblings much older than him and due to family tragedy when he was little, he viewed them almost asparents. When I sat down with him, I let him drive the conversation, I didn't know if he wanted to talk about it or talk about something completely different.

 When he started to explain how he realized that the person killed on the news, was his family member, he began to tear up and get emotional. That's when I realized that this lunch should be all about him and that me expecting a big coming out moment was selfish on my part. I decided then to not tell him, I would do it another day.

  We started talking about other things, he asked about my parents. We talked a lot, there was much catching up to do. He asked about my sister, I told him she is doing really well on all levels and that.. no.. she's not married with children, she has a partner and they have been together almost thirty years. He said, "ah that's wonderful"! Then he started saying things like, it must have been hard growing up gay in our area for her, the constant torture with slurs and sick jokes, he felt that it must damage a person to have to grow up like that, he was wondering how she could just try to ignore it, he was saying, "remember how bad it was with everyone always saying "fag fag fag" or "that's gay", he was already getting everything that I wanted to explain to him.

 I just heard this voice saying, "oh my gawd, this is it, this is your moment, now's the time, go ahead do it". I wanted to do it in a casual way but I started to have a meltdown. I started to choke on my words and my eyes watered. He suddenly became quiet and I said, "sometimes when someone is gay, it's very common for them to have a gay brother or sister as well". He sat back taking in what I was saying. I said, "I am too, I'm gay".

 He asked how long have I know, I told him most of my life, he was surprised by that answer. I asked him if he knew or suspected. He said no but that it did pop into his mind sometimes because I had all the qualities that he admires about gay people. I asked what he meant and he said because I'm thoughtful, respectful, introspective, selfless and because I like to see the bigger picture in life. He said growing up that some of his more interesting conversations were with me. We talked a lot, I said that I feel after all these years, I'm finally letting him meet the real me.

 Then we laughed and joked and laughed and joked and had a great afternoon together. When we were in the parking lot about to leave, I went to shake his hand, he said, "nooo, I want a hug out of this" I gave him the hug I've wanted to give him all my life. When the embrace was over he looked at me in a serious way and said, "I am truly... so sorry for making you feel that you couldn't tell me, I know you keep saying it's okay but it's not and I want you to know that". I felt like I had just been given a huge injection of happy. Many times I have had daydreams where he said something like that... and here it was actually happening.

 My coming out to him was everything I ever wished for all my life.. and more. I drove away thinking, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. :.)..

Don't tie me down!

 I have come to the conclusion that I am no longer interested in a long term relationship. I find that I waste my time being loyal to an idea that just seems to tie me down without any benefits. Every time I meet someone and get to know them, it seems to end in hurt feelings, misunderstandings or confusion about the relationship. I also find that I explore getting to know the person instead of getting to know more about my community. Then when the relationship is over, I have nothing.

 I'm going to explore my sexuality more and just generally... how to be a gay man. I feel a partner.. or trying to find a partner, would only be a block to that. I'm meeting people in the gay community, finally I have one foot in the door. I have been trying to figure out how to find my "people" and I think I have cracked the code. If during my social meetings, I happen to find someone that presses all the right buttons, then I am open to dating, it's just that now I'm no longer going to pursue it.

 I was feeling a little bit, "late to the party" but I met older men in their sixties and some of them have only recently come out, married a husband and are leading their true lives. A little inspirational when you think about it.

 As for my datesaster last week, I sent the man a nice message the following day. I think there is truly something wrong with him and there is no point being mean, I don't do mean. I said that I felt we have very different personalities, so going forward I was just going to thank him regarding joining me for dinner and I wished him good luck in finding someone. He sent a message back thanking me and we left it at that.

Aaaah! He's naked! O.O

 My adventures going to a nude Halloween party. Well of course it wouldn't be a blog post by me unless something bizarre happened. First the machine for the parking garage was broken so I had to find alternative parking, then every time I tried to buzz in, the intercom would die before I could hear the room number. Finally I got in and made my way up. When I entered... I was so so shocked! There were guys there with not a stitch of clothing on!!! WTF!!!

 Meh, it wasn't that awkward, mostly because everyone else is nude as well. I used to swim daily and then shower after. There would be fellow swimmers plus two floor hockey teams so it's common for men to be nude in a setting together.

 I have often heard that nudists are a very friendly down to earth group. In this case that is absolutely true. I wasn't the only first timer there either. There were two other guys, plus two guys coming for their second time. Everyone makes you feel welcomed. I'm not sure how to put this... but they are those type of guys that within minutes, you feel that you have already known them for a long time and you want to know more about them. They are all about, conversation, joking, laughing and just being friends in a group setting. They also think that by being nude, it levels the field, there is no where to hide your flaws. Well unless you are the 6'4 soldier that showed up, I couldn't find any flaws... no matter how many times I checked him over.

 They were all ages and it was interesting how everyone mingled, they don't sort themselves out into age groups like most of gay society. There were some really hot guys there, I mean reeeeally hot. I was thinking to myself as they arrived, "OH MY GAWD... I'M GOING TO GET TO SEE THAT GUY NAKED"! AAAAAAH! :D

 One guy walked in, so cute and I suddenly realized, "uh oh, I know him from somewhere". He's a young farmer, very handsome in a masculine way, lives about an hour++ from me, he also has a family, I'm not sure if they separated, I just pretended not to know him. Everyone thought he was straight but he said no that he is bisexual. He certainly was a flame to many of the gay moths.

 We had pizza, drinks and watched scary movies. A lot of conversation, a lot of connecting with each other. I wish that I had joined this group years ago, it was so easy, I always have to see everything as a mountain and never try entering a situation, I need to learn to "try" and then move on if it doesn't work out.

 Many of the guys were in the pride parade, I wouldn't have been alone if I had moved my butt sooner, I would have had friends there. Anyway I'm here now. I will definitely keep going to these events.

 An hour or so into the party, everyone realized that none of the straight male members had come that night. This changed the dynamics of what people are comfortable with and very much changed the direction of the party, thus I'm going to have to end your journey with me to the party here. ;D

You better sit down for this.

 My next big adventure is this evening. I have been planning something for two weeks but I haven't been blogging about it because that might put pressure on the situation. This way if I backed out, no one would know. However I am excited about doing it. I am boring, I know I'm boring and I wanted to do something completely out of my comfort zone. So tonight I'm going to an all male Halloween party. A new friend told me about a group of guys that seem to be cool.

 We are expected to dress up (there's a huge joke in here). There are restrictions on the type of costumes, basically you can cover part of your face, head, arms or legs but keep it to a minimum. Well I know it may sound odd... but not if you are going to an all male nudist Halloween party! Yes I'm serious, no I'm not joking.

 Well you have to admit this is really "out there" for me and I want to do it. It's just guys hanging out (no pun intended) so it's not Sodom and Gomorrah. Some bloggers have known about this, I needed backing. Actually it is not as stressful as I thought it was going to feel, hopefully I will enjoy myself. What do I say, "hello, nice to SEE you"! Wish me luck.

Trapped in a restaurant.

 This week has been a really gay week for me. Meaning every day there has been interactions between me and the land of gays on some level like there hasn't been for years.

 Let me get this part over with immediately. I met with the guy who is partly disabled for supper this evening. The post was thumbs up, thumbs down. I'm not going to waste any time trying to write a thoughtful post. What a horrible, horrible person. He didn't look anything like his picture, I saw some scraggly guy looking lost and he called my name. When I went to help him into the car... there was a strange odor coming off him, not a human smell, like some chemical.

 Once we got to the restaurant and sat down, his true personality immediately came through, he hid that well. I was embarrassed to be seen with him in about one minutes time. Everything that started to come out of his mouth was like a bad Jerry Springer episode.

 He is probably one of the most negative, rude, crude, foul mouthed, bitter people I ever spent time with. If he wasn't disabled, I would have left him there before the waitress even brought us drinks. I kept trying to change the subject from his "poor me" attitude. He went on and on about how hateful his family is, how everyone abandoned him since becoming partly disabled. The truth is they abandoned him because he is hateful and from the stories he told, sounds like he was always hateful.

 I couldn't finish my meal, I hurried him up, he was actually making me feel nauseated, he's really gross as well. I certainly didn't see the evening going like this! I thought either I would make a new friend or I might find a needy person that would be too clingy. I never expected him to make me feel like I am trapped in a restaurant and dying to escape from this really classless person.

 I drove him home, he asked me if I wanted to come up, I think my skin crawled in seven different directions, I said no thanks. On my way back to the farm, I formed his rejection letter in my head.

Mr Bean (aka Steve) goes to lunch.

 Well.. so today I was supposed to meet my friend. I'm always running behind, it's a bad habit that I have gotten into. Anyway with a little luck (and plenty of speeding) I managed to arrive slightly ahead of time. That is until I realized that I was at the wrong restaurant, no problem however, it was just down the street. When I went in there was only one couple there, so whew, I arrived first. I ordered a soft drink because my mouth gets dry when I'm nervous and I was debating whether to tell him right away from the beginning about being gay.

 People started to arrive and I double checked the date and time of our meeting, everything was in order. I checked my email and there was a message there saying that he had to take his daughter to the hospital. He apologized and asked to make other arrangements. I never thought to check my email before I left, d'oh! I have become so used to my phone not working that when I am in the city, in the back of my mind it still doesn't work.

 He feels bad but I was too embarrassed to tell him that it's my fault his daughter got hurt. You see when you make plans to go out with Mr Bean (aka Steve) bizarre things happen and people get hurt... sometimes they get diarrhea or hives but generally it doesn't go well and plans get cancelled.

I lost a friend. :(..

 Ugh! I hate this. Sometimes I mention my friend James, the sweet but awkward gay man I met over a year ago. I was never attracted to him romantically but I liked him as a person. One thing about James that I loved was his trustworthiness, he is a standup guy. I kept an open mind towards a relationship with James because I know he would be really good to me and look out for me, the way a "real" man should.

 To be honest, I never found James that attractive and I think there needs to be at least some type of attraction. Sometimes his awkwardness and indecisiveness would get on my nerves but generally I found him to be a kind, sweet man. We never seriously talked about dating, I was hoping that he understood by now. I always said things like, "you're a good friend" or I would always sign off emails with, "your friend/buddy Steven" so as not to lead him on. We emailed each other twice a week but I have only met up with him about five times that I can remember, not exactly dedicated boyfriends. I do know that I held a special place for him, when he bought his new car, he never offered anyone a ride because he wanted me to be the first passenger. Also he was quite happy when I showed up to an event he loves to attend.

 Lately he has been saying to me, that he feels too old for me. That was another issue I did have with him, he is only seven years older than I am but I tell people as a joke that I think he is turning ninety on his next birthday, or that James is the nicest old lady that I ever met. He has that attitude sometimes, like he was raised back in the 1920s and not the seventies.

 Sunday he again mentioned thinking that he was too old for me. I felt he was trying to tell me that he wasn't interested in forming a romantic relationship with me. I felt we should clear up any misunderstandings so I responded. I told him that I agreed with him, in that we were not a match romantically but that I enjoyed our friendship immensely and his age shouldn't be a factor.

 He was clearly hurt by this because I received an email saying that he appreciated my honesty. That just because two people are gay it doesn't mean they will make a good couple. That giving it a year is a fair amount of time to see if we were a match or not. However he also said that it is time for him to move on, that he will say goodbye to me now and that he wishes me all the best in whatever I do in the future.

 I feel like garbage, I know I did the right thing but I still feel like garbage. He is socially awkward and obviously saw our friendship as something else. This is really too bad, I honestly didn't see it going this way. My practical side is screaming at me because I know that if we became a couple and something terrible happened to me, he would be at my side and unfortunately, it doesn't seem like there are many gay men left out there like that. I also feel like crap because I liked him.. a lot!

 Ugh, uuuuugh, aaaaah, I hurt someone I care about, I hate this feeling and I'm going to really miss him. It's almost like I received a message saying James passed away.. and when you think about it, maybe it is a little similar... since our friendship suddenly died. Goodbye James I'm going to miss you, your buddy Steven.

Another coming out story.

 Today (actually yesterday due to download issues) is apparently national coming out day, so I picked this coming out video that I really like about a man named Brian and what he went through, but first a message from Teddy!

 "Teddy say, it okay to be gay"!

Let me know what you think?

Stick your thumb.. up.

 When I wrote the post earlier today, I was feeling overwhelmed and I was also feeling manipulated, like the person had an agenda. I didn't feel good about writing it later on however. I was thinking here is possibly a person in need of a friend and not someone out to use me or trick me with a sob story. I thought I should at least give him a chance before I reject him, so I called him to say hello.

 What a complete jerk! That total jackass made me so angry. Well at least that would have been easier to write, I could have said how smart I was to figure him out. Instead however I had a pleasant conversation with a really nice man that probably just needs a friend. I will keep my guard up because it is the internet after all but we are going to have dinner together in a couple of days. He will probably turn out to be a good friend and I will hate myself for writing the last post! That's how I hope it turns out... now what makes crow taste good?

Thumbs up, thumbs down.

 I have been more proactive lately in trying to meet people, I mean really it's not fair to expect guys to come to me if I'm not doing the same. Recently I contacted a guy that looked like a lot of fun to be with. He said he was looking for a boyfriend and also friends. His picture was cute, not Hollywood cute but cuddly guy cute, it shows him with a big smile on his face and two thumbs up. As well his profile was comical, almost smarty pants-ish, like someone else you all know. He wrote about meeting friends, going out and just enjoying life. I thought that is exactly the type of person I should meet.

 When I contacted him, right away I noticed the complete lack of humor. In fact there seemed to be none of the guy in the profile. Eventually I found out that he suffered a terrible event in his life that has left him partially disabled. He tells me about being lonely all the time, about being house bound unless I drive him places, about feeling abandoned by his friends because they are busy a lot of the time... and of course he is the one guy that wants to meet right away.

 I'm not here to rescue everyone, something similar happened with a relative recently that I was not closed to, (I have a large family). My life already consists of doctors, hospitals, appointments, illness, medications, sadness, tears and on and on. I'm not talking on another case, I wanted to find a distraction from that part of life. I just wanted some friends that I could say, "hey let's grab some dinner, movie, drinks" and not become someone else's caretaker. Maybe this guy is a really sweet guy but he has to look for someone else to attach himself to because lately I feel my cup is full when it comes to problems. I am not heartless, I have empathy for the guy I really do but I also give him a thumbs down for the completely misleading profile.

A Pale Life.

 Next week I will be meeting my high school friend for lunch. We have been exchanging emails and it seems that we are pretty much in the same frame of mind regarding what we feel is important to us now. It's almost like we can finish each other's thoughts and it's nice to reconnect. He understands a lot of my issues without me even bringing them up.

 One thing that I got from my conversations with him however, is my complete failure to turn my life around into something more positive. Yes.. I looked after mom and was a total saint but I didn't do anything to develop who I am. I buried myself in a crisis solving and a care mode lifestyle that I didn't see I wasn't living. He was telling me about the business he started, about how they take time to not only travel but to actually live in other countries for a few months and other things he did to grow as a person. He has accomplished a lot since we last met and even then he had already accomplished a lot.

 Last night I couldn't help asking myself what have I done. I felt my life was pale in comparison. I sentenced myself to a bleak life. My last years were spent in hospitals, nursing homes, social workers offices, doctor's offices. Every time I think I'm doing the right thing, I discover years later that I'm wrong. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have looked after mom, I'm saying that I should have developed me as well. I keep feeling like I'm running out of time to do something, be somewhere, be someone but I don't know the answer.

Kindred Kin.

 This "no internet/cellphone" at the farm is making me crazy. I feel so disconnected from everything. Hopefully by Monday or Tuesday it will be back up. I worry because oddly enough my farm was a cut off line, once you drove past my farm, you had no more cell reception and I fear they may have shrunk the tower range instead of expanding it. Apparently there was damage to the tower and it needed to be repaired but I wonder if it's not as powerful as it used to be. Next they will be asking me to trade in the car for a horse.

 I'm getting some yeses to meeting for coffee, makes me feel giddy, like I'm in high school again, only this time they are saying yes instead of aaaah, aaaah, run for your lives! Steve's asking people out, ack!

 Yesterday my uncle came to visit, he has started to do that every year in the fall. He's my father's youngest brother. At first I was a bit put off by the visits because we were never close but now I enjoy them. He likes people but I think is a little awkward around them. Some people find him odd but generally like him. Umm, so yes.. I think you're probably seeing it too. I realized we have a lot in common, that's why I like his visits now.

 I think also we are having the same issues. He sees all his family and friends disappearing around him and he is becoming increasingly lonely. I sense that he wants to get close to me, I'm ok with that, I welcome it. He asked me if I would give him a tour of the house, he grew up in this house, as much as this will always be home to me no matter where I go, I suddenly realized it is for him as well.

 He took me out for lunch and told me a lot of funny stories about growing up on the farm, that I never heard before. Like my Dad playing tricks on him constantly as an older brother. Games the younger kids played, some my sister and I would later recreate unknowingly, using the same places to hide, climb, slide down when our parents weren't looking. The farm house here now is actually the third one, my Dad partly grew up in the second one but it burned down. I never realized the current one is the only one my uncle remembers because he was a baby when the fire happened. He had tears in his when we finished the tour, over my lifetime he would have only been in the kitchen or living room but not upstairs or the basement, he said he wanted to see it one last time before I sell.

 I felt a kindred spirit with that visit and I leaned a few new things. I loved hearing the stories about Dad before he was a Dad, or even a husband for that matter. We tend to forget that our parents were people that had full lives long before we came along. My uncle often notes the way I look out for mom, he gave me some good advice about not letting life weight me down. He also told me not to get involved with a woman who has children... very good advice that I will totally follow!

Some positive interactions finally.

 Today it's cold out, barely above freezing but it's sunny out and I find it makes for a better day overall when the sun is shining. They are saying the temperature will drop below freezing tonight, that will definitely be goodbye for the flowers. I grew tired of watching over the garden and so I harvested anything that could be damaged by frost.

 Still no cellphone or internet access at the farm, they are apparently working on it and said hopefully it will be fixed by this evening. If not, I know that means next week, nothing gets fixed on a weekend no matter how much they promise.

 I had two interesting things happen this week. One was, as I checked messages before returning home, I got a couple of messages from guys. I thought at first it would just be the usual, "hello, I'm going to say hello and then I'm going to ignore you". However instead I'm finally getting some communication back and forth. One guy even sent me his email address in case he is not on the site but is on line. Maybe nothing will come out of this but at least there is some possibility and not some mind game.

 The other thing that happened was when I contacted an old school friend. His family suffered a recent loss and I wanted to check in on him. He was important to me as a kid, he was the alpha male in our little group of friends. He was everything that I wished I could be at that time. I never felt that I was important to him however, I felt he tolerated me because he was mostly a nice guy. He replied saying that it's ironic I emailed him, that I would be surprised by how much he thought of me over the past year, how he was thinking about us growing up and about life. I was really touched, I didn't think I mattered, the kid from back then emerged and read those lines over a couple of times, just to be sure they were real. Strange that at my age, it still matters how people see/saw me.

 Like many guys back then, he was very homophobic and the slurs, jokes and vile words were plenty. I always felt that if I could just get him to see things clearly, he would understand that I'm still just me, not some crazed sex freak (no offense Maddie lol). I now know for a fact that he has really changed. I wonder if he knows about me or suspects. I wonder if he feels bad about things he said in the past.

 Yes... I'm going to try and meet up with him and yes.. I'm going to tell him my secret that I have wanted to tell him for years. I have a fall back plan, if I can't get the words out, I can show him something he wrote a few years ago in support of gay marriage, he will instantly understand what I'm trying to tell him.

The Landline.

 Everyone keeps asking me why I keep the landline. The main reason is technology.. or lack of technology. The old stuff works, the new stuff is never reliable. It's fine for people in the city but out in the country, we need reliability, plus $16 a month is not expensive for something you can always count on.

 Sorry I'm not reading blogs like I normally do, that is because I have had no cellphone or internet service since last Thursday. I check online when I get to work in the city but time is limited. Like this morning, I loved Sixpence's post from a few days ago about his skinny body. You could have been writing about me buddy.. excellent post as usual.

 It makes it so hard to stay connected, I did want to cut back on my internet usage but not reduce it to zero! I have to drive about fifteen minutes from my house to send an email or check for messages. It gets annoying because cars keep stopping to ask if I'm ok since I'm parked on the side of the road. Country people are helpful and they mean well. I do get upset with the people who I know are just trying to figure out what I am doing. It can get quite awkward however when I'm masturbating to online porn, hey a man has got to do what a man has got to do. Sorry, my bad, potty mouth and no I would never do that!!!

 I may not be around much because of this so not to worry.

October first, eeek!

 As far as October firsts go, this was a warm one so not too, too bad. We had a few baby thunderstorms go through but nothing bad. The host of a morning radio show was saying that typically today is the last day we will have days of 20° Celsius (70 Fahrenheit) or warmer, that from now on around the Ottawa area, the days will be cooler, whaaa!

 I went to see mom yesterday and she made me laugh. Most days she is unable to carry on any type of normal conversation now. Usually she says things that make no sense and I just agree with her. We were sitting on some couches by the main entrance and she said to me, "you know it's such a shame, they have these big beautiful doors and the only ones who use them are all the Jehovah's witnesses that come and go through here". I was startled, I laughed and said, "excuse me, what did you just say mom"? I though maybe I heard wrong. She said, "you know, all those Jehovah's witnesses that go back and forth through here... and they are always preaching about their.. their papers" and then she was gone again. I laughed, where did that come from? Even if one spoke to her during the day, she wouldn't understand what they were talking about, plus she would forget as soon as they walked away. The home wouldn't allow something like that either. It's funny the things our mind stores.