Saturday, November 30, 2019
The end of November already, the boring, grey, dreary, month. Like a Kevin Costner movie, we will just plow through it to the end and then forget about it. Today was sunny but cold, I did work outside for a while but depressingly enough, the sun started setting at 3:54. Tomorrow will be December already, where does the time go? I can't believe it's time to start pulling out and setting up the Christmas lights. I'm not sure how much I'm going to do this year, I may just put up outside lights and no decorations inside. I seriously feel like I just put everything away from the last holiday season, lol. Wasn't Halloween this past week?
I was told an interesting story by one of my new gay friends, regarding an incident that happened to him. It sadly seems to be very common and it's something that really makes me angry.
My new buddy (Mike), had been married with children by the time he realized what gay meant. Mike divorced his wife and was worried that his church wouldn't accept him, he was a member of an evangelical church. Surprisingly the minister was kind and compassionate, he told Mike, that he was always welcomed there.
Many in that church were not happy to have a progressive, loving, caring minister, they worked to have him removed and finally were successful. They brought in a minister that was less loving, caring and compassionate, one that was more in line with evangelical beliefs. Every week as he thumped the bible, he preached about how homosexuality was the cause of all ills. Finally Mike had enough and left the church.
Mike began to discover his sexuality and made some good friends. One friend asked Mike to join his church as it was more accepting of gay people, he did and never looked back. He began to form a positive community around himself. This friend of Mike's also functioned as a friend with benefits, they often hooked up so that Mike could see what he had been missing and learn a thing or two! One day the friend asked Mike if he wanted to try having a third partner added in for excitement, he said yes.
The friend told Mike that he knew someone who would be interested in a three-way as well. Apparently the guy told the friend that he knew Mike when shown Mike's picture and really wanted to hook up with them. Mike was really excited about trying something new and showed up early to his friend's house. There he excitedly waited to see who was going to walk through the door. The door opened and Mike instantly felt rage! Standing there.. was the hateful evangelical minister.
Mike was tongue tied, he could only keep saying, "how dare you! How dare you"! The minister thought the situation was funny, he couldn't see why Mike was so upset, he was surprised by Mike leaving. Mike couldn't believe the boldness of the minister... to recognize Mike's picture and try to hook up with him. Mike stormed out saying, "not even if you were the last man on earth"!
I'm not going to add anything to this, I'm tired of this garbage, what more is there for me to say? Those types of people with that selfish warped way of thinking, speak for themselves.
Friday, November 29, 2019
We had been having a beautiful end of November, oddly enough it was much warmer and sunnier than at the beginning of November. In the beginning of the month, some nights were equal to our January or February with temperatures at nearly twenty degrees below the freezing mark. Fortunately the last week warmed up, the sun came out, the snow melted. There was even a smell of spring in the air. Some of my friends were joking about winter being over already.
Thursday, November 28, 2019
I have noticed something with many of the gay people I have been meeting lately. A lot of them are married and I immediately think,"awwwwh, that's sweet". Some of the spouses I have met, some I have not. The odd thing for me however is often at a party or gathering, I will go to use the washroom... and I will walk right into one of the married guys, fooling around with someone else. It's been explained to me that they are married but also have sex with other men. Sometimes it's with a complete stranger that they just met.
In my mind, that's like the old saying about having your cake and eating it too. It's just "my opinion" but I instantly feel like their marriage is a pretend marriage, like children playing house, they follow the rules sometimes but go separate ways at other times. I could see a couple that wanted to spice up their life, maybe add in a friend, I don't have a problem with that. To me it's just completely different if the spouses are going out all the time separately and meeting up with people for sex. They are married but they're still dating... or playing the field.
I know I have some old fashioned ideas but I'm also a romantic, I want a husband that is thinking about me during the day, not about hooking up with some guy he saw online. It doesn't seem like a union of two people who love each other, more like a contract between two buddies living together. I wouldn't feel someone was genuine if they were trying to date me, while at the same time, working on hooking up with others, I would actually feel slighted.
I'm not telling people how to live their life, I'm just saying that I don't personally take their relationship that seriously because I think they are not taking the relationship seriously themselves. I know relationships are changing and becoming less monogamous but it seems really strange to me.
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
I have been joking with people that I'm calling this "my second coming...out". I was talking about it with the guys at the party and everyone has a coming out story. One guy said something that explained to me why I suddenly stopped telling people. We all agreed that we are constantly coming out, the guy said that when he meets new people, he then introduces his husband so for him he doesn't need a coming out moment, every time he introduces his husband, he is essentially coming out.
I think that's the hiccup for me, when I was with Dan, I wouldn't go anywhere without him, so it was an automatic out moment for me. I think also when you are in love, you want everyone to know the great person that has entered your life. When you are single, you just get into the habit of not saying anything. I see that's silly now, I shouldn't have let it go this long.
I did however always hate that awkward moment, when I am about to tell someone. My heart pounding between my ears, getting ready to pick the right time, hoping I don't get misty eyed and even worse, the right words to use. I wished there was a way to erase the tension, to take away the pressure and awkwardness. I have found my way, I have discovered how to be me and still tell people without feeling like I'm under stage lights.
Yesterday I told a buddy of mine, we have known each other since we were kids. I used my new method, it always works for me. First I trick internal chicken Steven. He's usually saying something like, "are you going to tell him? Why don't you wait until next week, I'm not ready for this, the timing is bad". I assure internal chicken Steven that I'm not telling anyone today. Then as I relax, I suddenly say to the person, "there's something I want to tell you, I prefer you hear it from me", then internal chicken Steven says, "are we doing this? Oh... I guess then we are doing this, he tricked me"! I laugh a little and then say these smarty pants words, "it has to do with why you have never seen me with a girlfriend" and I'm done, perfect coming out. Usually the person starts laughing with me and then nods their head knowingly. There is no big drama moment where I say I'm gay and feel like I am about to pass out, or they scramble for words trying to sound supportive. I do it in a light hearted way and everyone understands what I am saying. Even better they feel free to jump in right away and talk about it. My friend started saying, "it's all good Steven, I have been through my own crap and I stopped judging people long, long ago. Live your life, you have to live your own life, it's going to feel much better now that you're out, it should take any weight off or pressure off". We talk about some things and then moved on to other conversations that we often have, like nothing happened, as it should be.
Monday, November 25, 2019
It's one month until WHAT??? I wanted to get my kitchen painted before Christmas. Unfortunately with temperatures turning freezing cold, me getting a cold and other adventures, it's now or never, so I'm choosing never, lol.
On the weekend I met some new people, nice guys but no one in particular that caught my attention. Apparently I caught someone's attention however. There was a guy there that kept subtly blocking everyone else from sitting close to me. He constantly positioned himself between me and the other guys. At first I thought it was just my imagination but I began to watch his actions and he was definitely friend blocking the other guys. Later as the party went on, he was "concerned" about my long drive home and offered me his spare room, a couple of times actually. Then as I was leaving he left also. As we were walking to our cars he said something I thought was cute. Again he offered me the spare room, then he awkwardly said, " umm or... if you want, you can always sleep in with me". I thanked him and said I was fine to drive home. He is not really my type of man, unfortunately and I never felt any attraction when I first met him, that's always the way it seems in life.
Yesterday I received a message from him on the site we belong to, it was polite and mostly about how he enjoyed meeting me. No one has ever contacted me before so the message means something. I don't want to lead this person on so I have been very cool with my responses. Still, I have to admit that it feels really nice to be pursued, makes me feel young again, makes me feel attractive. If he keeps it up, I may not be able to resist.
Sunday, November 24, 2019
The one cultural thing that takes me some getting used to about gay society, is the habit gay men have of kissing each other. It always has to be on the lips and after hanging around for awhile and having a few drinks, they want to slip you some tongue... eww. There I said it... ewww, or I actually I really mean YUCKEEEEWWWWW!
Okay I have been getting used to the kissing and once I start to know someone, it does feel like an intimate way to say hello. However, HOWEVER, if you want me to kiss you... stop smoking!!!!!! Yuck... lick an ashtray much? Chewing gum and using mouthwash makes it taste like licking an ashtray with some mint added in!
The problem now is many gay men follow the trends of either smoking an expensive cigar to relax or smoking pot. I don't care, you can debate me all you want, smoking is smoking is smoking to a non smoker. It's an automatic turn off to me. You can't hide it and it can't be good for you. You sweat smoke, your hair smells of smoke, I can taste it in your mouth even if you haven't touched it today. It's a stale bitter taste or smell.... and it always makes me think of death.
I spent the evening with some nice homosexuals. Some I had met before, many I had not. They were a friendly bunch of homosexuals, we talked, we laughed and we ate pizza. It was pretty funny when the music being streamed in suddenly started to talk about the bible and Jesus, it must have been a sign to find a nice girl. Although most of the guys there had found a nice girl and traded her in.
Typical of me, I forgot stuff there. I realized it half way home. I don't think it's Alzheimer's, I have always done that when I am distracted, take of without checking around and leave stuff behind.
Some of the people are involved in performing groups like gay choirs etc, I may go to listen but mostly to network. No husband material there tonight but that's what I'm hoping comes with networking. I made another couple of friends, I'm adding to the gay flock.
Friday, November 22, 2019
I have been sick lately, something like a cold only it lasts longer, about four weeks. It been going around, many people have it. One of the symptoms is a choking cough that really kicks into gear at night. You start coughing around eight in the evening and continually cough until about two or three in the morning. Nothing will relieve the coughing, it's like when you are drinking water and it goes down the wrong way. This makes you completely exhausted. I decided to stay away from mom because I didn't want to bring that into the home.
Tonight I went to see mom and for a split second the reunion made me forget her illness. I was immediately jolted back to reality when I found her wandering away from her dinner like a zombie. She seemed extra "out of it" tonight. Again it hits me hard, there is mom's body but "mom" is no longer there. I got her to sit back down and I was almost in tears trying to feed her. How did this happen to her, how can this happen to her, why did this happen to her.
I suddenly feel panicked, is this going to happen to me? If I go like her, I may only have a few years left. I can't let this happen to me. I don't want to end up like that. I can't end up like that, it's old people prison, the crime is getting old and sick, then you are sentenced to five, ten or twenty years in senior jail. I start to think of the least gruesome ways to die. I don't want to live like that, I'm wondering if I get Alzheimer's, how do I...
Anyway I'm going to meet a bunch of homosexuals tomorrow, hopefully they can cheer me up. The clock is ticking... hurry up and enjoy life. A neighbour who lives about a mile from me, felt unwell and went to her doctor. She told the doctor that she started to have heartburn and thought it could be gallstones. After a bunch of tests, they told her that she has liver cancer and that it spread to her lungs and other organs. She's only 46, now instead of planning for retirement in a few years, she is planning for her funeral. Hurry up and seize life, tomorrow may be too late.
Yes... I'm okay now.
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Today I was in a mall, I wanted to pick up a few things and get a haircut. I also decided to eat there as it would save me from having to cook at home later. The mall is completely decorated for the holidays and there was even some Christmas music playing. At the barbershop, which is right inside the mall, I couldn't help staring at the guy beside me, I could do it discreetly using the mirror, he was a cutie and he got a brush cut and his beard neatly trimmed, grrrrowl, unfortunately he didn't ask me to go home with him and make sweet sweet love to him all evening, darn I hate it when that happens.
As I was coming out of the barbershop, something horrible began to take place. Maddie I need you to hold my hand as I tell this, I know you will understand me the most. Walking out into the mall, there was a terrible sound, I asked people if someone was playing the bagpipes... or actually if someone was murdering a goose by beating it to death with a set of bagpipes! People began to cover their ears and run for the doors, dogs in parked cars began to howl outside. There was something familiar with the sound and it grew louder. People suddenly ran for the doors screaming as blood began to run out of their ears. An elderly woman was shoved to the ground and as I tried to help her up, she heroically tried to wave me on, she said, "save yourself young man, leave me here, run for your life sweetie.... it's that fucking Mariah Carey song"!
At the mention of the song, a woman near us screamed in horror and fainted. That's it, that was the sound, it wasn't someone stepping on a cat in heat, it was Mariah Carey singing "All I want for Christmas"! I grabbed the old lady and put her arm around my shoulder, I told her I'm not leaving anyone behind! Well except the lady who fainted because she was wearing a Grey's Anatomy sweatshirt, so you get what you deserve. As we were running for the doors, a young girl stopped us, she pointed to a speaker on the wall, without missing a beat, I took the old lady's cane and beat the sparks out of the speaker. Once outside the police had arrived, looking panicked, he asked what was happening. I just blurted out, "Mariahalliwantforchristmasscreaming"! Jumping as if he had been stung by a bee, he ran to the trunk of his car and pulled out a police issue shotgun. With a cool strong tone in his voice he said, "I've got this". He went in and took care of the speakers, then after twenty minutes they led out Martha, the holiday coordinator for the mall, in handcuffs. I don't know what will happen to her but I hope she ends up in a cell where they play Celine Dion's "Oh Holy Night" on a loop over and over until Easter as punishment.
I bought cookies at the drug store because they were on sale for $1.99 and went home after, the end. This is a true story.... well the part about the cookies on sale is true.
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
The definition of frienergy conservation is "stopping yourself from placing any energy into a friendship that will go nowhere". I just made that up but it's a very real thing with myself and some other friends. I was having tea and homemade apple pie with a neighbor Saturday, we were discussing my recent explanation to her as to why I liked Abba, Glee and Olympic male diving events.
She was wondering if she or her husband had done something or said something stupid to make me feel like I wasn't able to tell them about my fascination with the idea of Tarzan's loincloth falling off. I told her "no", that I have known for years I was able to tell them, that I actually came close to telling them a few times but I could feel myself suddenly become emotional and ditched the attempt.
I love this couple, they are as close to being family as possible. Actually there is cross marriage between my family and theirs so we have a slight connection. I was explaining to her that I "test" people, I have been doing that for years now. It's simple, just bring up something in the news like some singer coming out as gay. Most people like to offer their opinion, you are either going to get, "I'm happy that person is free to live their life" or the person will look around to see if anyone is within ear shot and say, "I'm sick and tired of gay people shoving their lifestyle onto everyone else". Then I think, "okay noted", I'm not wasting my time getting to know you.
I only invest time in friendships that I know will allow me to be me. I used to think that I may tell the person or I may not tell the person, either way I know it would not end the friendship. Lately however I feel that I am going to tell all my friends, it suddenly has become silly to me, not to tell my friends. I also look for attitudes towards other things as well, I have friends from other countries that I absolutely adore, so if I hear a mind closed to understanding people from other countries, I also don't bother, plus I find those people usually see everything in a negative light and it becomes a complete drain to be around them.
When I explained that I test people to see if it's worth my while to continue with a friendship, she suddenly smiled and said that she does the exact same thing and completely understands. Both of us feel as we get older, there is no point in wasting the effort of maintaining a friendship or starting a friendship that will end. She went on to explain that now since they are older, she and her husband try to get close to people who are going to stay around as they all age. She told me of two couples that they are close friends with, she said how those two couples are getting ready to move across the country once they retire within the next year. They want to live on the west coast where it is warmer and also spend half the year down south. My neighbor went on to say that she has slowly been moving away from those couples and concentrating more on the friendships of people who are going to be around. What's the point of getting close to someone that will soon become nothing more than a twice a year postcard.
People in the country see things differently but that's because we rely on friends and neighbors much more than in the city. An elderly couple in the country without a network of friends, is actually placing themselves in danger, so that is part of her thinking.
As for myself I just want to be happy and a good way to do that is surround myself with some interesting people. Everyone I know fills in a gap for me and so I want that space to stay filled and the only way to do that is chose each piece carefully... as I fit them in.
Sunday, November 17, 2019
I was thinking about the odd relationship I had with my parents, especially when young. This was sparked by a friend who remarked how our parents taught us that emotions were bad, they were weak and something to conceal behind closed doors. Some of my friends grew up without a father and some ask what my relationship was like with my Dad, they wanted to know, did he talk with me about becoming a man etc?
My Dad was a good man in his belief of duty to provide and take care of his family. He had a lot of input regarding things like honesty, integrity and definitely manners. He didn't have sit down discussions, it was pretty much, "don't ever let me catch you doing...." fill in the blank. He also warned me that if I ever embarrassed him by doing something that landed me in jail, don't bother calling because I could rot there for all he cared. I knew he meant it, so I behaved. There were other cues of his that I followed because I wanted to be a good person like him. He was big on responsibility, taking responsibility, acting responsibly, taking things seriously.
The one thing though that he had zero and I mean absolutely zero input on, was me growing into a man, anything to do with sex, sexuality or male anatomy. Even just me the boy, growing into me the man, not one single word. That's strange to me, I don't know if he was too embarrassed to say anything, or just really hated the topic. I would have appreciated a heads up regarding puberty, I had no idea what the heck was going on in the beginning. There were times I was actually scared.
The thing that is so strange about it, is you must remember I grew up on a farm. Often at 9, 10 or 11 years old, we would have the following conversation, "young-lad come here, I have to go to that meeting tonight, number 12 is tied in her stall, Mike the AI (AI= artificial insemination) technician is coming because she's in heat. Tell him she had slime running out of her vagina this morning, so she's ready to breed. Make sure he uses semen from AU78, that's a good bull". I might then ask does he have a second choice incase they don't have semen from AU78. This was a very common conversation between us, a little later he would even sometimes let me pick the bulls because I could understand the heritability numbers better.
Even with all that between us, I could never ask him a question about the changes happening to me or information I needed about growing up. At an early age I took note of his ears turning beat red and him changing the subject immediately. Either that or he would give me this look of complete disgust and make that "tsk" sound, as if I had just asked him to watch me pick my nose. I immediately knew that I could never go to him about anything, not only that... but I knew he wouldn't want me coming to him.
Even stranger, if I had to talk about something, I went to mom, at times it could get weird, if I had a man part problem, I was talking to mom, sometimes she spoke to Dad seeking information, yet instead of Dad saying, "ok I got this", he would relay information through mom back to me. By the time I was about to turn thirteen, I never spoke to either of them about sex, nudity or sexuality ever again.
The sad thing for them is that I learned about sex, erections, puberty and all that jazz from a guy who was total white trash, the kind of guy that they wouldn't want giving me information but young minds want to know and his guy loved telling all he knew. Also it was his cheap version of sex and sexuality, no mention of love, caring or anything positive about it. Speaking to friends I seem to be in the norm, unfortunately I think that the father and son talks in our day, were only something that happened in movies.
Saturday, November 16, 2019
Yesterday I received the news that a friend of my parents had passed away. She was a sweet and kind person, she was also a friend of my sister and I to be honest because she was one of those adults that children loved to be around. We couldn't believe that she was a teacher, there were very few teachers that kind and caring when we were children. I often wondered what would it be like to be one of her students, she even (with permission) brought us kittens once, how can you not like someone that brings you kittens.
The news was not really sad that she died, it's probably a blessing. It's sad in what happened to her and frankly, quite disturbing to my sister and I. She unfortunately also suffered from Alzheimer's disease. This was definitely one of those stories of a beautiful life robbed way too early. She began to show problems right after retirement. She never got to have that retirement period of being old enough to finish working but still young enough to travel and enjoy herself. It was pretty much straight to the nursing home, multiple doctors appointments and getting her affairs in order.
The thing that frightens us is her timeline of illness. She is older than mom but not by a lot, maybe 5 to 7 years; however she was completely "gone" mentally, at least eleven years ago. I remember because my father often asked about her, we were worried about what was going to happen to mom. I often felt this woman would pass shortly after my Dad, yet here we are all these years later. It's quite possible that she died of natural causes and not the Alzheimer's, even after having it so long. As a testament to what a good teacher she was, many former students, (now adults) still came to see her, even though she no longer could remember them.
I often say to people now, that it's not the thought of mom dying that gives me the greatest anxiety, it's the thought that she could live and suffer for another ten years or more. I was mommy's boy, I will be heartbroken when she is gone but I'm stressed at seeing her like this now. I also heard a frightening statistic, many Alzheimer's patients outlive the family members looking after them.
My sister and I also feel the clock ticking, mom suddenly showed signs at 66 but now when we think back, there may have been earlier signs. One of her younger brothers showed signs at a much earlier age. This weighs on my mind. This morning for example, I cooked eggs for breakfast. Later on as I was walking past the stove, I could feel heat coming off it. When I checked, I realized that I had cooked my eggs and then just walked away to eat, leaving the round on. This frightened me, I have done that a couple of times now. I begin to wonder, was I just sleepy, did I have something on my mind, was I just not paying attention, could this be an early sign of something else?
What a horrible disease, it takes away the ability of perfectly healthy, normal people, to live their fullest lives during their senior years. Not only that but it seems to have the ability to drag out their humiliation and confusion for up to twenty years. Rest in peace kind lady.
Friday, November 15, 2019
As I get older, people open up to me more and more now. Gone is the need for many friends to pretend everything is running smoothly in their lives. As I get to really know people better, it always surprises me with how often they were hiding fears and anxieties or actual outright problems. I think it helps me feel more "normal", that my fears when younger were not because I'm gay and that somehow made me a weak person, they were the fears of a young person like all the young people around me.
My old school friends and I keep saying that if we were only able to open up to each other, we would not have felt so alone and also we would probably not have been easy targets for bullies. Unfortunately we can't change the past and as young people, we couldn't see the bigger picture.
The thing that I have been noticing, is that I seem to be able to handle crisis or confrontational situations better than most. My ego doesn't collapse, I don't fall apart, I deal as best as I can and move on. I'm starting to think that going through life as a gay person didn't hinder me in this area, it made me stronger. I find that my straight friends take great offense to some off hand comment or joke that someone made to them. Maybe because I heard much worse when younger, often I don't pay attention unless I feel it's something that needs to be pointed out. Of all the people I know, I never thought that I would see myself as one of the strong ones.
Thursday, November 14, 2019
I'm not sure if it's due to climate change or just a cycle we are experiencing but we are in the thick of winter already. The nights have been dropping to almost -20 Celsius and unfortunately that drains all the heat out of the earth. Now that the heat is gone, the snow will stay. We have been getting snow every day almost since November first. This cycle or pattern started above five years ago and seems to be the norm now.
Usually this area doesn't kick into winter until near Christmas, there have been close calls regarding a green Christmas in past years but not lately. It was not unheard of for winter to arrive near the end of November, that has happened a few times since I was a child. It seems that now winter starts immediately following Halloween. That weighs heavy on a person's mind because what it means is six months of winter instead of four, that's a long time, six months of real winter, not the cute Hollywood winter where everyone is running around in sweaters and drinking hot chocolate. Basically we went from trick or treating and pumpkins, to deep freeze.
Then there is the darkness, the seemingly never ending darkness. Although Tuesday night the moon was shining on the new snow and you could almost read a book from the light. December first I'm putting up lights and doing a naked pagan dance... inside.. yes inside.
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
I was directed to a post on the Travel Penguin's blog about vegans, regarding how nasty they can be... like those bitter starving models that just need a sandwich for Pete's sake! Hahaha, sorry if you are a vegan, I'm just pulling your chain, although brace yourself for more judgment.
The post did make me think about something that happened at the Halloween party, something that really ticked me off. The host was ordering pizzas, he was going to get a variety as everyone has different tastes. I'm all for being inclusive, I would never want someone to feel left out. If it was me, I would order, combination, vegetarian, meat lovers etc. The host had the same idea in mind; however instead of ordering these selections, he first asked permission from the vegans/vegetarians. He asked if it was okay for him to order "carnivore pizza", would anyone "be offended" if he ordered "carnivore pizza". Nobody had objections that night, as everyone there enjoyed meat on their pizza but apparently there are members who are offended by the eating of meat and demand that no one is allowed to eat meat in their presence.
I have a HUGE problem with that, so the vegans/vegetarians not only get to decide what kind of pizza they eat... but now get to decide what kind of pizza I eat! First.. we all had to chip in money, if you are deciding on what I'm buying to eat, then you better be paying my bill you arrogant bleeps! Second, the group doesn't want to offend anyone, well you have a problem now because I'm totally offended by someone else's views and lifestyle choices being forced on me. You're not superior because you don't eat meat, you just made a dietary choice, I respect that but you better come down off the pedestal you placed yourself on, before someone knocks you off.
Carnivore pizza? What is up with that, we didn't chase a pizza across the svelte of Africa and tackle it to the ground. It has more vegetables on it than meat usually! I'm getting tired of being dictated to by the vegan cult. If you're that offended by how other people live, then maybe you should start a vegan club, at least that way people have the choice of joining and accepting to eat vegan/vegetarian or not. I hate this new inclusiveness that excludes to be inclusive. I feel oppressed, I'm a grown ass man and I should be able to decide what toppings are on my pizza!!!
The Penguin's post is here.
Monday, November 11, 2019
The memorials are over, the poppies put away. It started to snow this afternoon and it's supposed to be a fair amount of snow. In Canada this signals the beginning of the holiday season, we already had our Thanksgiving, Halloween is long gone so clear sailing towards Christmas and New Year. Many Canadians don't turn on their Christmas lights until tonight out of respect for Remembrance Day. My sister already contacted me regarding plans for Christmas, unfortunately mom will not be able to join us. This will be my first Christmas without Mom being part of it, I'm still not used to having Christmas without Dad but such is life. I will try to see her Christmas eve or Christmas morning if possible. At the speed time seems to be travelling, the holidays will be here in the blink of an eye.
Today in Canada is Remembrance Day, a time to remember all the people who served our country past and present. I can't imagine what it must have been like during war time or even within the last twenty years being sent overseas to war in a foreign country. I know it's not the same but hunting season used to be crazy when I was younger, there were all these idiots from the cities that used to come out in groups of twenty, get completely drunk for days on end... and then go out shooting at everything. Fortunately that has stopped now but I can remember the uneasy feeling of hearing gun shots close to the house. I can't imagine being in a war, the feeling of knowing someone is out there actually trying to shoot you, trying to kill you. I think the bravery of those men and women is beyond belief.
It always makes me sad and very angry when I hear the horrible stories that many tell. Angry because some men at the head of some state.. somewhere, decide that not only do they want to dictate what happens in their own country, they want to spread their warped wisdom to other countries. In making this decision they sentence some poor farmers, construction workers, office workers, everyday people to die, often in horrible ways.
I heard that year over year, a larger percentage of Canadians take part in the memorial services, that's comforting to hear. Many people said they wanted to take part because they want a chance to show their appreciation, especially to the WWII veterans who sadly will soon no longer be with us.
When I think of how things could have turned out, even regarding myself, imagine being gay in a world where the Nazis had won, not just me, image being a person of color or a different religion, scary. It's feels like not enough but I definitely need to say THANK YOU and not just for back then, that Nazi way of thinking keeps raising it's ugly head over and over in different forms and the truth is diplomatic meetings won't stop it.
Sunday, November 10, 2019
Thursday a good friend and neighbor of mine dropped in. He wanted to see how I was doing. I sometimes mention him here, he is a really nice person. I have been on a bit of a coming out roll as it were, so I thought "next"! I hate making it a big dramatic moment so it suddenly went like this. I said, "before you go I just wanted to tell you something".
It was actually funny because I heard a little voice in the back of my mind say, "oh wow are we actually doing this? Here he goes, no warning or nothing"! I went on to say, "it has to do with the reason why you never see me with a girlfriend, my sister isn't the only gay person in the family". He looked a bit confused for a second and suddenly realized what I was telling him. He said, "awww god love you Steve, that doesn't bother me, I couldn't ask for a better neighbor and friend, gay means nothing to me now, you didn't have to worry about telling me". He asked if I wanted to tell his wife in person but I didn't know when I would see her and I wasn't comfortable asking him to keep a secret from her. Instead of leaving, we talked for another two hours. He asked if he could tell his brother and sister, I said yes because I rarely see them anymore. That will however swing a door wide open, his sister is married to one of my first cousins but I'm okay with that.
This is like my second coming... out. Like many of you have said to me in the past, you spend the rest of your life coming out when you are LGBTQ. It was starting to get difficult again, different groups of people were crossing over and I thought it was better to hear it from me. I was thinking one day that I probably haven't told anyone I'm gay in almost seven or eight years.
I received a text saying that I have a friend who is behind me and treasures my friendship... from a straight guy! I could never see this day coming thirty years ago. Another straight guy text me saying that I am getting the love and respect I deserve. A little overwhelming, I didn't know straight guys could be so affectionate towards a gay man, some almost protective, it feels good. The next morning I suddenly received texts from my friend's wife, saying things like, "we support you, we have your back, you cared for others now it's your turn, be your authentic self". I had given her carrots the day before so the smartass in me text back, "wow you must have really enjoyed those carrots". Well you know me, I couldn't resist.
It's funny but over the last two months, every time I tell someone, I feel I should have done it years ago. I didn't think it mattered but somehow it does. People feel privileged when I trust them with such a personal secret and it brings us closer, I have seen people really open up to me emotionally, it's beautiful, that's the only way I can describe it, beautiful.
Friday, November 8, 2019
I noticed that when I want to dress up and need a white t-shirt, most of mine are pretty shabby now, I only have about three that look nice-ish, the rest are potential window cleaning rags. Off I go to a certain large store that I won't name but it rhymes with "call tart", no Maddie I wasn't trying to get your attention (lol). I know many of you hate that store but it does have really great deals and it's the closest to my work.
After I made my purchases, the machine asked me, "how did we do, please fill out the questionnaire and send in your answers". Again at the top of the bill, was a big, "tell us how we did"? Well let's see, first you cut costs by removing floor staff so I have to find everything on my own, second you also cut the people that stock shelves, so I had to keep from tripping over piles of merchandise on the floor. The Leaning Tower of Gatorade cases certainly didn't look safe around children. Then when I finally get what I needed, you reduced the number of cashiers... on purpose so that there are huge lineups and you can encourage us to supply you with free labor by having us check out our own purchases. You want to even charge me for the bag.. pretending that you care about the environment when it's really about you finding a way to make us pay for your business costs.
Well.. back to the question, so how did you do? I think you sucked since I did all the work, you did terrible, I on the other hand was absolutely fabulous!
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
Now that I'm old and grumpy, there are not many new CD's, albums or whatever they are called these days.. that I will actually go out and buy. I'm usually buying older albums or replacing worn out albums. There was an exception this week, I have been waiting for the new Keane CD (Cause and Effect) to arrive. Yes I know many of you will sit up in your rocking chairs and say, "who's that? Some kind of crazy young whipper snapper music"? Yes but they are soft rock so no screaming guitars, most songs won't startle you.
It was a fellow blogger who told me about them years ago when I first started blogging. Seems that a lot of the non dance gay crowd are fans. I had already liked some of their songs but kept forgetting the name. The albums "Under the Iron Sea" and "Hopes and Fears" remain some of my favorite top twenty albums in my life.
Unfortunately the lead singer was quietly battling mental illness, he tried to help himself without the aid of doctors, never good. Keane faded away, I think they broke up. Finally the guy got help and reunited with his family and band. Many of the songs are painful because you can tell the words are personal to him.
Have a listen, this song "thread", it is the one that I love most from the album at the moment, don't worry it's a soft song, it shouldn't frighten the elder readers. I love the simple music to it and I love how they have real lyrics unlike most songs today. Hope you like it.
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
Tonight while shopping for groceries, I turned the corner past the salad dressing and there he was, sharply dressed with his swimming blue blue eyes, handsome face, and white hair... it was Anderson Cooper.... well not thee Anderson Cooper but a doppelganger and not just any doppelganger... a much younger than current Anderson doppelganger. Also for me, he had the added sexiness of being a dad (dilf), with him was a mini Anderson doppelganger of about five, honestly the pair was just so adorably cute.
The guy was shopping against the flow, you know what I mean, always going around the shelves in the opposite way of everyone else. No complaints from me however, I could just look at his cuteness over and over and over. Also adding to his desirability, he was very attentive and loving towards his son, can we all just say awww.
As I was in the dairy section getting milk, Anderson 2.0 handsomely came around and proceeded to choose between different types of cheese, with a manly flair he opened the glass door and "haackcough uughhack", O.O what the ffff! Did he just hack a phlegmy open mouth cough into the coolers full of cheese? I was stunned, how can a person not realize what they just did! He's gorgeous, the cough must have crept up on him without warning, yeah that's the answer, a nice guy wouldn't do something like that. Then he opened the door to the butter, "kkhack guugh cough cough" open mouth full spray! Without meaning to do it, I said out loud, "GROSS" but nobody noticed as most people in the city ignore everything. My d i l f, just became a j e r k, what.. was this guy raised by wolves or something? He didn't even attempt to cover his mouth, just imagine what his kid is going to be like! Next he added more bacteria to the yogurt than it normally has!
I fled the area before I was surrounded by his cloud of virus. I was suddenly thankful that I bought my fruits and vegetables before he did. As I was walking down the cereal ile, I suddenly heard the hacking cough again, there he was, mouth open, checking out cereal on sale. Oh Anderson, my fantasy of you is finished, I'm never going to be able to watch you on the news again, I would become ill if you suddenly sprayed the camera lens with phlegm. Somebody's moma did a bad job.
Monday, November 4, 2019
Mehhhh, stupid time change! I hate it, leave the time alone. I'm going to punch every journalist and tv reporter in the face if I hear one more crap story about how it should be left to standard time. Are you FREAKING serious??? What is wrong with you people!!!! It's black dark at five now and it's only going to get worse, we have another two months of the days getting shorter to go. What good does it do in the morning, soon it won't matter if it's 5, 6 or 7 in the morning, it's still DARK! DARRRRRRK! Ahhhhh!
Anyway, the grey gloomies are starting to close in, I'm starting to feel isolated already. I hate November, the coming winter feels daunting, like a mountain that I have to get over. Temperatures are supposed to really drop on Wednesday. Blah, stupid time change :( makes me a very sad wittle Steve.
Sunday, November 3, 2019
I have started playing sports again, it's something we athletes just have to do, ha just tricking you, no I'm not playing hockey or football, although I wouldn't mind being in the dressing room when they are all in their jocks or showering. I started curling again today, actually I was supposed to start last week but a cold kept me away. We were soundly beaten, there was no excuse, the other team were just really talented and handed us our asses on a plate! Yes... I actually do have a jock although to be honest... I bought it at an adults only store... sooo not really for sports.
Stupid cold, it won't go away, I was on a coming out roll, it's easier to keep going once you have started. There are close friends up here that I want to tell but having learned my lesson, I want to do it in person. I want the life moments, I want to give people a chance to shine or crash, either way that's life and I'm okay with it.
Friday, November 1, 2019
Well it's official, we are firmly on our way to w.. ww.. wwwint.. winter, there I said it! Here it's the cold grey days, no leaves, no green anything and usually no sunshine. I was just thinking, jeepers almost time for Christmas lights! This morning it was snowing a little, it's not staying but that could change. Almost as if nature was saying, "okay everyone, Halloween is over now get yourself ready for winter".
Some towns around here are having Halloween tonight, they cancelled it last night due to weather. Works for me because I forgot something regarding Halloween. Last night I heard a radio host asking people to send in what they thought was a perfect Halloween song. It was a repeat show from earlier in the day. There was the usual choices like, Monster Mash, Thriller, Ghostbusters but no one mentioned my favorite and I think the video also goes well with the "feel" of Halloween. Oddly enough it was "our song" between my first boyfriend and I. What better choice for Halloween than Love Song for a Vampire. Enjoy... muahahaha!