Friday, November 30, 2018

Speaking about tv shows.

 Everyone has a show they just can't stand, it's the one you can't turn the channel fast enough when it comes on. For me it's Grey's Anatomy, I absolutely hate that show... uggh...barrrrff! I can't believe (or maybe I can) that it lasted this long. "Nurse please pass me the scalpel". "No doctor I won't, you slept with my friend Marcy and then didn't call her this morning", beep beep beep! "We are losing the patient"  beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeep! "You need to make Marcy feel like a whole complete woman who has worth again or I'm not helping you".

 Is it just me or is the Rosanne show better without Rosanne. I never liked her, I found her kind of gross, her voice was a little too sharp and whining. I think Sarah Gilbert, along with John Goodman and Laurie Metcalf can carry the show, I guess we will see how the ratings go. It's not a great show but funnier than a lot of programs already on.

 December tomorrow already, then it will be Christmas and then all over again for another year, it feels like I just put away the decorations two months ago.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Say that again?

 Apparently many women like to receive a facial that is made out of.... wait for it..... no seriously you are not going to believe this...... no this is not a joke.... nope not making this up.... they like to receive a facial that is made out of  foreskins. They use baby Korean boy's discarded foreskins after circumcision. How vile is that, some Hollywood actresses rave about it. Everyone on the news giggled about it, I think this is pathetic.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Coming Out... meh.

 My gayness makes me watch the show "This is us", tonight one of the children on the show came out to her parents. I know they were probably hoping to turn on the water works with viewers but this viewer felt.... meh big deal, been there saw that. I'm not sure if it's because I have watched one too many coming out moments and have become immune to them, I just wasn't feeling it. I think they were trying to make something dramatic out of something that would be a non issue in keeping with these characters.The aunt already knew, the grandmother already knew and was trying to support the young girl who refused to speak to her about it. The parents are open minded educated people but mostly the dad's own father was gay with a boyfriend and he still loved and accepted him. It would seem ridiculous and completely out of character for the show to have the parents become angry and reject their own child, I just didn't feel the big dramatic moment in telling them.

 I hope that is what the problem was with me this evening, just the confidence in the characters to accept their child's sexuality. I hope I haven't become immune to that feeling every gay person experiences when they first come out to someone because when it goes well... it's emotional but it's a thing of beauty.

Monday, November 26, 2018

Standing in Her White Dress.

I keep thinking about a memory over and over, a moment in time from my early twenties. My cousin had gotten married earlier that day and of course there was a reception after. He is about two years older than me and I was really happy for him because he had found the sweetest and nicest young woman that you could ever meet. He always had some awkward thing about his personality, friends didn't always take him seriously. Now he would never be alone, someone would always be at his side, I thought we should all be so lucky.

 He was the baby in his family, his brothers and sister were older with a small gap between them. The wedding was very emotional I guess because they couldn't believe their baby brother was getting married. I remember my dad joking, "they all keep crying, what do they think she is going to do to him"!

 Finally the night came to an end and as we were leaving, we saw that the bride was standing alone in the yard. The best man had gone to get the car and in the excitement the groom went with him before the bride stepped out. My dad pulled up and rolled down the window asking, "oh no, he didn't get nervous, ran off and left you did he"? She laughed and said no that he went to get the car.  My father then said that we would wait with her until the groom returned.

 I remember her standing there in her snow white wedding dress, a contrast to the dark night, almost like a statement an artist would make with an art piece. A young woman about to start a life together with a young man but on this day she was having a moment she probably often dreamed about as a little girl. She had a big smile on her face, finally the car appeared, we said our goodbyes again and drove off giggling.

 Saturday I received a call telling me that she died suddenly from a heart attack, everyone is shocked. She leaves behind three kids and her husband (my cousin). Life makes no sense at times but if there is one thing I have learned, it's better not to try and make sense out of something senseless. We were not close, over the years cousins with their own families drift in different directions and so I had not seen much of them lately. Time slips by so fast, it feels like only a few years ago that they were married, it's shocking to me that she is gone, I can't help thinking of her, standing alone in the yard, her white dress glowing in the darkness.

Saturday, November 24, 2018

November tomatoes.

 I'm having a tomato and onion sandwich, I'm blogging about it because it grosses someone out (@ Deedles lol). They are the last tomatoes from my garden. I picked them green at the end of September and let them ripen on the counter. I'm going to miss them when they are all gone because I can't stand the tasteless ones in the stores. I can't keep them much longer because I caught some dealing drugs and gambling, yes some of my tomatoes have gone bad! That's a terrible joke I know, I know. I would like to try to have some make it to December, that would be the longest ever.

 I'm having a wild and crazy Saturday evening of defrosting my freezer, it's an upright freezer and the idiot who designed it never thought about where all the melting ice would go, there is no catch pan for the resulting water. Obviously it was a straight man who designed this because he would never have to deal with the mess!
The last of the tomatoes, yum.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Night Driving.

 This evening I was driving home late from work. It was after nine and the roads were empty. I saw the most beautiful scene, the moon was shining so brightly off the fresh, new fallen snow. It was so bright that I didn't need to use the highbeams on my headlights, you could see everything, everywhere. I often heard the description of a silver glow to the snow on such nights like this, that description would fit perfectly tonight. It was post card beautiful, all the sleepy towns settling down for the night, the homes, churches, barns, trees and log fences trimmed with white snow and icicles. I could see deer scattered throughout the night fields, pawing up something to eat. Only the brightest stars could be seen in the crystal clear sky. It was beautiful and there was no way to capture it with a camera or phone that would do it justice, I did the best thing that I could do, I enjoyed the moment. Nature can be so breathtaking.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

No Winter Allowed!

 We.... sadly are in the grip of winter already, this is not normal for us, usually in November we have fall-ish temperatures and lots of rain,  with a few flurries until up to Christmas. However we had more snow in one day already than we usually get in all of November. I and many others were caught off guard, we need to mentally prepare for this. Tonight it is going down close to -30 Celsius with wind chill, in Fahrenheit that's eeeeeeek! It's enough to freeze the testicles off of everyone.. including women! It has snowed almost every day since Halloween, with these cold days, that snow is going nowhere.

 How did this happen, go away winter, you arrived too early. Since winter sticks around until April, it's almost overwhelming to think six more months of this garbage.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

TV, Gay Wedding Moment.

 Last week I enjoyed a tv moment, I don't have much choice when it comes to television way out here in the country, many nights I only get one channel. I was watching an episode of "How to get away with murder". I started watching because of Viola Davis, she could do a dog food commercial and I would want to see how it ends. To be honest I think the show is a little evil and not in the cool kind of evil but as in actually corrupt. Anyway two gay characters got married in last week's episode. I was thinking that I have watched gay couples marry on tv before but not a couple that I have followed along with for years. It made it extra special.

 I could step into the characters and get a glimpse of what it must be like to get married in front of family and friends to someone you love. I was enjoying the moment and taking in the fact that I was watching something on tv that when young, I could never have even dreamed would be part of the regular tv hour. To add to the romance, one of the characters sang a song to his new husband, I was not aware he could sing so well. I admit that I clapped when they said "I do" and kissed, I love seeing "my people" being represented on the small screen.

 Of course the show had to ruin the moment by having some of the main characters murder someone, which they often do. I don't want to go down that road in this post, I want to focus on the positive side regarding the wedding. Also speaking of ruining something, this post crashed and I lost everything I wanted to say, so now you are getting the rushed from memory version.

 I love that romantic mush, this princess still dreams that a prince will come to swoop me off my feet and take me away to make our vows. At least I got to daydream about it, a glimpse into the possibility.

Sunday, November 18, 2018

The Penetrating Words of Kindness.

 Often when something negative happens, I can become too focused on the moment. I try not to do that but I'm human, I have a hard time letting things go, it doesn't help to have my very own negative peanut gallery in the back of my mind. Those little nagging voices that try to convince me that I'm a total buffoon in everything I do and say. Fortunately as I get older I can command, "quiet" to the voices.

 I need to focus on the positive and recently I have had some really kinds words spoken to me that caught me off guard in a good way. I often drive a coworker home, a young Sikh man, he moved here from India and has no family in Canada. I can imagine how lonely that would be and sometimes I feel like an older cousin that has to look out for him. He is really easy to talk to, we joke and laugh all the way to his place, many times we also have deep discussions as well. I am glad that he is starting to come out of his shell at work, I wanted other people to see what a kind, decent plus comical guy he really is. One night we were laughing at the pranks a mutual friend pulls on us at work, then he said, "I like talking with you and Mark, you guys don't make me feel like I'm different from everyone else, I feel like we're the same". I had a total "awww" moment, I said "you are the same to me, I don't see you any different". He went on to say that some people can't get past the fact that he wears a turban.

 A few days ago one of my uncles came to visit, we were never close but I think he is getting sentimental as he ages. He is my father's younger brother and likes to come visit at least once a year to see the place and bring back old childhood memories, more so now knowing that one day I will sell the farm. He was asking about mom and then suddenly looked at me and said, "your dad would be so proud of you for the way you are looking out for your mom, really proud of you". I didn't know what to say, I was caught off guard, my family never says things like this. To be honest I always feel like I'm not doing enough and that I could do better. I think I needed to hear those words, not because I want praise for a job that I should be doing but because they help me get through the hard times.

 This weekend someone said something sweet that was just off the cuff but spoke volumes. The other night I was asked by someone to come for supper, when I went over I joked about him not clearing it with his wife first and just showing up for supper with a neighbour in tow. She laughed and said, "it's not the same when it's you showing up, you're not just a neighbour, you're like family".

 I had a few other really kind words said to me in the last weeks, I guess I'm not a total jerk, maybe some people even like me (lol). I try to say positive things to other people, maybe life is giving back with interest.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018


 I know it's movember, a month where guys are not shaving mostly to grow a mustache and start a conversation regarding men's health. Although most of the guys at work are sporting the mustache but still don't want to talk about men's health, it's a guy thing.

 However here I think is movember, as in a mosquito in November! The other day I was attacked in the bathroom by a giant man eating mosquito. I sure hope that is the last mosquito of the year, at -13 Celsius outside I would think so. With complete disdain for the little creature I cheerfully said, "hello little mosquito, allow me to introduce you to your own ass" and then I promptly squashed it into the wall. One of the memories from summer 2018 that I can do without.

 I just hope this is not the beginning of a climate change type of winter mosquito...  a snosquito! O.O

 Skeeder meet butt! :D

Monday, November 12, 2018

Ahh! It's here! It's EVERYWHERE!

 Oh no, I was doing a little shopping this evening and I suddenly realized what was happening, it was all around me, the horror, THE HORROR! Yes since it's the twelfth, the stores started playing Christmas music. This will happen every single time I go to buy something for the next six plus weeks.

 Just to be clear, I don't have a problem with Christmas music, I'm not religious but it's part of my heritage and it brings back a lot of happy memories. My problem is that it's just too early, that's so wrong, we shouldn't be hearing Christmas music when many of us haven't finished raking up the fall leaves. Also the stores don't give a rat's behind about Christmas, peace on earth or good will towards your fellow man. They are only interested in sales, I know that's how they make a living but they don't have to behave like they are Christmas's pimp.

 I get up in the dark, I go to work in the dark, I come home in the dark, it's making my mood dark. Today I tried getting up extra early in the hopes that I could make it back home while the sun was still up, I wasn't able to. I am going to put the lights up outside soon, our ancestors were smart, many cultures have a festival of lights around this time of year, clearly it was an early way of warding off depression caused from lack of sunshine. My Sikh and Hindu friends are celebrating Diwali, they invited me to go but I was too shy, maybe next time. I think it's no coincidence that Christmas involves candles, colourful lights and stars, I had stopped putting up lights and decorations years ago but one year I felt overwhelmed by the darkness and also loneliness, I decided to cheer myself up and a little sparkle did wonders. I was thinking of having a little tree lighting ceremony at the farm, just an excuse for people to get together, have a hot chocolate, some snacks and talk.

 However I'm still not happy about already hearing jingle bells while I'm try to buy socks and underwear.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

We will never learn.

 Today is remembrance day in Canada, a day to honor those living and no longer living who died fighting for our country. Good people who died too soon and those who's lives were forever changed.

 I am not one of those people who watches all the documentaries on the wars and I don't go to the memorials, not because I don't care, it's because I find the waste of young lives overwhelming. It's enraging to me that some leaders somewhere, at all points in time, make imbecilic decisions and send ordinary people to their deaths. Ordinary people are my people and no matter what country, race or religion they come from, they don't want to have to leave their store, factory, farm or fishing boats to go off and end up in trenches being shot at.

 Today is no different, I feel hopeless for the future of humanity, all our latest technology or advances is wholeheartedly embraced by those wishing to use it for war but rebuffed when it comes to using it to better society. Things like advances in medicine, sustainable living and education is viewed as some sort of witchcraft.

 Today however is not a day for me to rant about the tragedy of war, today is a day to remember the ordinary people who made the greatest sacrifices so that I get to live in a country that is not under the rule of some paranoid dictator. I may not go to the memorials but I will not forget you either, thank you for your service.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

Song Association.

This morning I was listening to an interview with a lead singer of a Canadian band. He was asked how he feels when a fan talks about playing his songs at a special life event, like at a wedding or an anniversary date to a moment of great importance to that person. He said that he completely understands and is greatly flattered. He gave his own personal experience of sitting with his father as he died. He said when he walked out to his car, he thought hard about what the first song he heard should be.

 I understood because I'm the same way, whenever something happens to me, if a song plays on the radio I will forever associate that song with that moment. This can be a negative for me however and I try to be careful not to hear a song that I really like after something dark has happened to me. In fact I try to listen to a station that plays rap or country music since I will eventually forget those associations. If I hear something I like, depending on the event, I may never be able to enjoy that song again no matter how much I like it.

 There are a few songs that I used to really enjoy, however now when I hear them, I am instantly transported back in time to that sad moment and I have to turn off or jump to another tune. Unlike the band member, I try never to associate a song with a negative moment.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Nut'n but the truth.

 I will reveal the lie from the previous post. Drum roll please.... no not that quick lol. I enjoyed playing that little game but my favorite part was the different explanations for your answers some of you came up with.

 Statement number one, when Richard wrote and said Alanis is only 44, I had to google her because I believe he must have been incorrect. Surprising to me he is correct, that just made me respect her more because yes, she was in a junior grade when I was in high school. She must have started at a really young age. I remember going home and telling my parents that this young girl at my school, put on a small concert and her voice was incredible for someone so young.... so this is true.

 Statement number two, although I have said that yes, I would date a female to male transgender person if they appeared male, I have actually never met a transgender person, so this one was the lie.

 Statement number three. I recently told a fellow blogger about something very frightening that happened to a friend of mine and I could have been there at the time. Basically I had been hanging out at this guy's house every Friday or Saturday evening, we had a disagreement and I decided to stop hanging out. A few weeks later a group of guys came one evening to rob my friend's business, while it was happening my friend recognized one of the men as someone he used to work with. The guys panicked and we're afraid of being caught so they dragged him outside to kill him, they beat him almost to death, only for a neighbour he would have been found dead. He will suffer for the rest of his life from the injuries but he is a really tough guy and survived. Normally I would have been there watching movies and having a beer at that time, I am not a really tough guy, I don't want to think about "what if I had been there". They had guns but didn't want to draw attention to the sound of gun shots, they probably would have used them if they found an extra person in the house.

 I did say I was trying a lighter post, should have left that one out lol. Anyone want to try this on your blog feel free. Now I'm going to bed, I'm tired.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

2 Truths & 1 Lie.

 Okay a lighter post today, I was listening to people being interviewed on the radio and the host would play this game with them, hoping to get to know them better. The guest would be given time to think during the commercial break, to come up with three interesting facts about themselves; however two of the statements were to be true and one was supposed to be a lie.

 I will try that game here, I will tell you three amazing facts about me and you guess which one is a lie. Well... maybe not amazing but different.

1) When I was in high school, there was a girl in one of the younger grades that could sing well. She would later be known as Alanis Morissette.

2) My very, very first boyfriend turned out to really be a female to male transgender person, we didn't date long but it's one of the reasons why I have no problem with dating someone transgender.

3) I used to hangout with a buddy almost every Friday night until we had a bit of an argument and I stopped going over. This would be a life saving moment as I probably would have been murdered a week or two later had I kept hanging out with him.

 There that's my three, guess which one is the lie and if you want... just for fun say why you picked that one. I would also invite you to play the same game on your blog and let me know.

Saturday, November 3, 2018

Holding a Grudge.

 I try to grow as a person, "try" being the key word here. Sometimes I feel that I haven't changed but then I look back on my life and I see that I do make steps in the right direction. One thing that I have a hard time letting go of, is when someone hurts me out of the blue. I am always startled by this and I never like or trust that person ever again. I would never try to hurt someone, so I am shocked when someone does or says something hurtful towards me.

 This weekend the name of a former high school teacher came up and it reminded me of an incident that occurred between us. I generally liked this teacher, we pretty much got along when I was in school but I will confess that I was a bit of a class clown during one of her math classes. Mostly it was out of frustration on my part, I was failing the course, couldn't make heads or tails of the subject and was bored having to sit through an hour of numbers in brackets with more brackets around them.

 A few years later I happened to be at a local fair and saw her. Since I had actually liked her, I went to say hello to her. At the time I wasn't sure what to do with my life, (still don't actually) so I was working in a coffee shop in those days, not very ambitious but it paid the bills, plus I was in my early twenties. I was always a polite person, so there was no way I would have been rude to her. I went up and said hello, she started talking to me, asking me questions, she acted a little cold to me, she gave off a vibe
of being condescending towards me and I thought I saw her smirking at me, then she said something like, "wow you've really turned out to be, kind of loser".

 I was completely stunned, speechless actually. I didn't know what to say and was completely humiliated, I just walked away embarrassed. I already had low self-esteem, I felt that was the only job I was good for and now someone that I had respected just confirmed my belief. I never told anyone what had happened. I now think that she was probably carrying a chip on her shoulder over the acting up in class. At the time I naively thought teachers would be too mature to do something like that but later on I discovered everyone is immature at some point in life. I also didn't want my mom to find out, she would hate that person with a white hot intensity from day one to forever. I bumped into her years later, this time I was cool with her but I still got that condescending vibe from her, real or not.

 Her name came up because her son suddenly died this week, only in his thirties it was a shock to them.

 I was going to delete this post, I felt it was very negative regarding how I had ended it. I decided not to delete it because it was something that happened to me and I think people need to learn to be careful with what they say to another person, especially a young person that looks up to them. After I left a negative ending to this post, I didn't feel closure, I felt embarrassed by my immaturity and it was bothering me. I was thinking about altering the ending when this family had more tragedy happen to them. That was it for me, I no longer feel angry, I moved past it the minute I wrote the post. I wish only the best for that family, that's how I truly feel inside, I guess I did grow as a person here, as I should have.

Thursday, November 1, 2018


 Another Halloween whizzed by, I intended to have a little fun with it, I was supposed to blog about a few scary stories that were true. I wanted to decorate the house a little. However time got away on me again, it seems to do that a lot on me now. I didn't even buy any candy for me to pretend... it was for any kids and I would only eat it if nobody came (which they never do).

 I worked late, it poured rain all day and was very cold, so I didn't bother going to my sister's house, she usually has a cool party happening as they hand out candy to children. Darkness comes early now, as I was driving home, I noticed the said fact that there are no children in most of the small towns now. I pass through six or seven small towns on my way home and I didn't see one child out trick or treating. Twenty years ago the larger towns would have been very busy with excited kids walking up and down the streets. Now most fitting for Halloween they are ghost towns after dark.

 Well that's over with, on to the next thing I guess, maybe I can do something Christmas-ish before it's New Year's and I miss that as well.