Monday, July 30, 2018

Now "I" was the jerk!

 I am lazy about blogging, I think it's because of it being summer and there are outside things I should be doing. I'm so useless now compared to what I could get done ten years ago.

 This time I was a big fat insensitive jerk! I have been communicating with a couple of guys that I am interested in dating, two I have met so far. What I failed to pay attention to, was one guy I had become friends with, he is a little odd, a little geeky not someone I see myself dating. However he is really excited to have made a gay friend. I know he is lonely, he is older than me and is not fully out.

 This guy is an open book with me, clearly he wants a friendship and maybe more. Unlike the other guys who make me feel like I'm pulling teeth to get a response from them at times, he sends me long emails and usually promptly after I send him one. The other day he sent me an email telling me more about what his interests are, questions about me, my interests etc, etc. I was meeting and chatting with the other guys and forgot to reply for a...... week! He then sent me an email saying he can read between the lines, that I wasn't that interested in knowing him, he was sorry to have bothered me and he wished me luck. Oh boy did I feel like dog doo, he was partly right, I did find him a little annoying but at any other time, I would have embraced the friendship.

 I did some major butt kissing and apologizing, I never want to make someone feel less than appreciated, quirks or no quirks, he is a nice guy and deserved better from me. I was thinking about how hurt I would feel if a new friend brushed me aside for someone else. I confided in another blogger (who I trust) and he confirmed that I was garbage and I should feel like the pile of garbage I am, (lol you can claim your chastising if you're brave enough).

 Anyway I'm in the works to meet this guy and who knows, life being as strange as it is, maybe this will turn out to be my future husband. The point of this post however is I'm a jerk, a big fat mean jerk.

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Forgetful in Reverse?

 I find myself being very sensitive with anything that involves me being forgetful. I'm frightened actually because of mom. She started showing signs of dementia at 66, now when we think back, there were other signs long before that time. Also her younger brother began showing signs of dementia around the same time even though he is five years younger. I sometimes wonder if I only have ten years left.

 Possibly, I think I have reversed thinking dementia and I only mean this in a light hearted way, I'm not in panic over it.... yet. Many people (including my mother) will begin to collect things because they believe they are out. For instance they will go to the store and buy their favorite jar of jam because they are out; however when they place that jar in the cupboard, there are jars and jars of the same jam already there, they forgot that they have already bought it.

 Now I seem to have become the opposite, I am the type of person who sees his favorite product on sale and buys a large amount of that product because eventually I will run out and why not already have it on hand at a reduced cost. The other night it had become cool out and I just wanted something lite for supper. I decided on my favorite soup; however when I went to the cupboard, there was none. This really surprised me because I remember buying a lot when it was on sale, not only that but it had been on sale again last week and I didn't buy any because I believed that I already had a shelf full. Sometimes I'm startled by that, does it mean anything or am I just getting older.

 I had been in the routine of buying my favorite products but I ran into the problem of being overwhelmed with trying to use everything before it expired. I then started to hold off until my supplies were low. I did it again this morning, I was in the store yesterday and this morning I am out of coffee. The reason is the same reverse thinking, I remember buying coffee on sale to have some extra on hand and so I ignored the sales of my brand of coffee yesterday. In my mind I saw extra jars in my cupboard, this morning reality says otherwise. I felt startled by this, does it mean something serious I secretly wonder to myself. I should say coffee is not that big of a deal to me like it is for some people, I sometimes like to have a cup in the morning and I like to have it on hand in case of guests but I never have it during the day.

 There is one thing I don't second guess about buying on sale, that's toilet paper. All you need to do is forget to buy it once and you don't make that mistake again, so I pick up a package every time I see it on sale. You will always remember forgetting it especially if the closest store only has the cheap no-name brands, that feels like sandpaper on your bottom! It's always better to have too much toilet paper than not enough. Hey I see another t-shirt slogan!

Friday, July 27, 2018

When I became, "that guy".

 Nature can be beautiful even at its most frightening. Take for instance lightening, at night when a storm is passing in the distance, watching can be almost breath taking. Lighting up the distant sky, seeing the flashing streaks connecting earth and clouds. Beautiful from afar, not so much when it's overhead.

 Tonight I noticed the sky lighting up, we had storms earlier but everything had cleared up, the stars were out when I sat down to watch tv. I decided to watch the evening show out my window instead. I thought it was heat lightening at first but soon realized it was another approaching storm. Even though this was a storm, it reminded me of the first time I saw heat lightening.

 I was very young, around five years old and I had spent the day at a local church fair, in those days, the church picnics were more like small country fairs. It was getting late and my dad noticed one of our older neighbours had been drinking all afternoon, worried he decided to drive the man home. Since my mom was still volunteering at the picnic we had to go with my father. My dad went into the house with the man to talk and hopefully get some coffee into him. While waiting on my dad in the car, my sister and I were fascinated with a pinkish flash of light across a clear, star filled night sky. Unfortunately after a few cups of coffee the man pulled out a huge bottle of alcohol and started drinking directly from it. My father gave up and came back to the car. We pointed out the lights and he called it heat lightening.

 The man was a typical bachelor in our area, a good neighbour, kind, hard working. Probably too shy to meet people, these men often never ventured away from the farm or family business to even have the opportunity to meet someone. Later after their parents passed away, they were alone and lonely, there was not  much else to do in those days so many picked up the bottle. Some of those guys got married late in life, at that time being in your fifties was almost considered a senior citizen. They often said if they could only go back in time, they would have married much sooner. I always felt sorry for those guys, to be alone all the time, no family at Christmas, sitting in your house alone every evening. Later on as well when I learned about sex, I couldn't see someone not being in a relationship, being loved and enjoying the fun of sex. I often felt they wasted a huge part of their life. I think that is why many tried to wipe those thoughts away with alcohol.

 Now it's hard to accept but time quickly flew by and before I knew it, I became "that guy". I don't drink but I am addicted to other things to keep my mind from thinking about where I am in life. I feel I wasted my time here on earth, that my goal was to take part in life with other people and I didn't. I am that lonely guy, the one I felt pity for even at the young age of five, the one I vowed not to become. Even if I meet some great guy now, I am the guy saying I should have done it years ago, because they finally see life is better when shared with someone.

 It's strange to think of that little boy gazing out the car window, one moment staring at the night sky, another moment watching a man through a kitchen window, drinking straight from a bottle. I learned about heat lightening that night, I just wish I understood the other lesson better.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Coffee date professional.

 Again I kept this under my hat but I had arranged to meet another guy for a coffee date. I didn't want to be embarrassed again if it didn't work out and I didn't want people feeling sorry for me. It actually went very well and I will get into it more but I saw something last night I thought was sweet.

 I don't like most reality shows but I like the dance competition type shows, the ones with real dancers and not washed up stars insulting the craft. Currently I am watching World of Dance, I really enjoy the people from all over the world competing, all different styles, ages and cultures. Last night a young couple came out to dance, the young woman was very cute and the young guy was very handsome. Before they even started you could feel the chemistry between them. The dance was a contemporary piece simulating the struggles in a relationship. They did such an excellent job, you could feel the passion between the two.

 When it end the judges asked if they were a couple in real life, to everyone's surprise, the women answered no, that he was a part of her but they were not a couple. The judges and audience were "awwwing" in disappointment. I was surprised as well. That just shows how much talent they had to make you believe they loved each other through a simple dance. I was extremely impressed. One judge said it seemed so real and then my favorite part of the evening happened. The young woman said "no we are not together, I actually have a boyfriend" and the young man said "and... I also have a boyfriend" the judges and audience cheered loudly with that twist and laughed at their assumption. That guy was gorgeous, I said out loud to myself, "your boyfriend is one bleep'n lucky guy"! I can't imagine getting to go home every night to that guy lying in your bed! Mostly I loved the surprise twist and the cute way he slipped it in.

 Anyway back to my second successful coffee date. I got there a little early. I was nervous in the beginning. He looked a little different than his picture but still cute enough. He is a little shorter than me but that's ok. He is the softer type of gay guy but sweet softer, not effeminate if that makes any sense. I liked it, he gave me goose bumps. I was not really into meeting with this guy because I did a terrible thing and pre-judged him, basically because of the culture and country he is from. I hate when other people do that and yet here I was doing the same thing. I am so glad that I went through with meeting him. I found it was actually easier to talk to him than it was with the last guy. Plus this time the conversation was even on both sides, the last guy talked a lot about his job.

 We joked about the people we have emailed with on the site, we crossed referenced the creepy ones and took notes from each other on who to avoid. After two hours we said our goodbyes, we agreed to meet again. We both want more gay friends to hang out with and he was easy to talk to. I found that I just wanted to snuggle him up like a teddy bear. As the old people used to say, "we will see".

Sunday, July 22, 2018

Strawberry basket mystery.

I didn't go out much this weekend, it was hot again and I wanted to get caught up on laundry etc. As part of a group taking care of a cemetery, I had to do some work there but other than that I was at home. Some of my friends were going out to a restaurant, it's not fancy but the food is delicious, they asked me to come along and so I did.

 When I got back home I thanked them for the evening out and waved goodbye. As I was about to enter the house, I noticed an empty strawberry basket sitting on the bench of my deck. I found that strange, that was the only sign indicating someone was here. Did I miss a visitor, my car had been left in my yard, did they think I was sleeping or wouldn't answer the door. Why leave an empty strawberry basket, where are the strawberries? What happened to them, maybe they became angry waiting and ate them all.

 I checked my email, text and phone but nobody left a message saying "we stopped by but no one was home". I text a few of my friends but none had been here. This will drive me crazy and I will probably never find out the answer. It also makes me feel uneasy to have someone walking around while I wasn't home. Here all weekend and the second I go away someone drops in... typical. Now why would they leave an empty basket.

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Human to Human Interface Accomplished.

 Well... I didn't want any questions or be embarrassed if this didn't work out again so I wasn't going to mention this but I had arranged for another coffee date and I was hoping it wasn't going to be three strikes and you're out. This time the person was really determined to meet and that felt really good. I had wanted to meet this guy for a long time but he didn't seem interested, turns out the guy had lost his job and was scrambling to find another.   Once he had that taken care of, he came looking for me, so that felt good.

 I like a tall guy, I mean height has no bearing on who I would date but I do like my men tall. I am only about 5'8 so it's easy to be taller than me, at 6'2 he pressed my buttons immediately. As I arrived a little early, I saw him outside waiting for me, a good sign I felt. He was actually better looking in person than his pictures which is unusual, also it tells me that he is not hung up on looks. His eyes caught my attention, they didn't really show up in his photos but in real life you are drawn to them. I was nervous but worked hard to hide it. He was friendly and outgoing, easy to talk to. I was scanning for faults, one clear one is his obsession with his work but I can over look that. He did excuse himself to check his phone a few times, annoying but I understand the nature of the type of work he is in.

 We have a lot in common, we have had a lot of the same experiences in life. We have a lot of the same outlooks on gay life, family and friends. The coffee date lasted over three hours so I think it went well, he gave me a warm hug before he left and we are keeping in contact. I am hoping to at least get a friendship out of this but to be honest I would like a lot more from this guy. I am not going to make too much out of this, life has given me reason for caution, we will see. Also it's really hard to post today since last night blogger keeps crashing and it's hard to stay on my train of thought when the site goes down every two or three minutes.

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Little Gay Ears.

 When I was younger, we would sometimes listen in on what the adults were saying, especially the parts we were not supposed to hear. My mom always had a way of sensing what we were up to and would say that it's better for the adults to continue later as "little ears" were listening.

 I was thinking about some visits I had recently with straight friends. They would eagerly ask me if I met anyone yet, then go on to discuss what type of guys I like, how do I meet people. Usually they finish up with the encouraging statements about meeting the right guy some day and about me making someone a good boyfriend, the usual dating conversation only with a gay theme.

 Many of my younger friends have children entering into the pre-teen and teen years. I was
thinking about these conversations and about what if there were little gay ears listening, how incredibly important and what a positive impact conversations like these would have. Imagine a child realizing that they are gay, maybe feeling anxious about it, only to hear their parents talking openly and positively about gay relationships with gay friends. They would grow up feeling normal, feeling accepted, they would live in a completely different universe to the one most of us experienced. I hope all the little gay ears out there get to hear those messages.

Friday, July 13, 2018

First Tomato Sandwiches, 2018.

  I'm trying to get a post in before midnight, with 15 minutes left, here it goes. This evening I was able to make my first home grown tomato sandwich. Toasted or with fresh bread it's one of my favorite sandwiches. I add a little chopped green onion and for the first time a pinch of basil leaf, both also grown by me.

Nothing beats the taste of a home grown tomato, they just have so much more flavor and are juicy. I add a little bit of mayonnaise, some salt and pepper and it's ready to eat. The tomatoes are small this year, I have had to do a lot of watering and it's never as good as a nice long rain shower. The early girl plant lived up to its name with two tomatoes already. I am a little disappointed, my golden boy was mislabeled and it appears to be a roma tomato, I am not really a fan of those. The golden boy is a large yellow tomato, it has a very different taste and is low in acids. I will miss not having any this summer.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Nuts From The Net.

 Some of my fellow bloggers will have already heard these stories. I email banter with a few of you out there, I don't feel comfortable writing everything on here but there are times I still need an ear. One of the things we discuss is the guys we talk to on line. I usually try to email back and forth a few times before meeting someone new. I think I am really good at figuring people out. I find a guy can say all the right things he thinks I want to hear in the first email or two. However by the third or fourth email he will slip up and take down the shield.

 Two days ago a guy who seemed "normal" and pleasant sent me more pictures of himself from the hips up. I commented that he is in nice shape and that his working out was evident. I didn't say anything sexual or demeaning. I found it strange that I didn't hear back from him for a few days. Then I get an email saying that he gets "p..sed off when guys comment on his looks. He said that he is more than just a body. I told him I only meant it as a compliment. I was going to end it there but unfortunately passive aggressive gay Steven took over and told him he shouldn't send people half naked pictures of himself if he didn't want comments! Take that bitch!

 I have been talking to a younger guy that seems to actually have a personality. I have no intention of meeting him because we are not what the other wants, however we banter at times. He says that he is "new" and is only bi-curious. He tells me that he has had sex with guys but he really wants to bottom. When talking to him further, he says that he watches gay porn to learn how to become a better sub-bottom fag, that he wants to be dominated by a guy. I had to google that to fully understand what he was saying. I was thinking, so much for the bi-curious title, when a gay man is not sure what "sexual speak" you are talking, I don't think the term "curious" fits you any longer.

 Another guy I often speak to is always asking to meet, when we make arrangements every thing seems set; however on the day we are supposed to meet, he seems completely surprised that we have made these arrangements. Usually he will complain about taking on longer hours at work, that's when I say "so I guess lunch is out" and he will say, "we were supposed to meet for lunch, oh sorry man, can we do it another day"? I stopped talking to him, he seems scattered, if he say hello, I just say hello back, nice day but that's it now.

 It's scary to think that amongst all the people I have spoken with, I'm the least crazy! Hey guys.... I see another t-shirt slogan in the making... yes?

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Hold out your hand.

 I was cleaning out some of my mother's things, as her illness progresses there are many things she no longer needs. Like her clothes for evenings out on special occasions such as a wedding or dinner party. Also her watches or jewelry, they make her become obsessed with playing or hiding them, only to lose the object within minutes. My mom was not one to wear much jewelry, she never had her ears pierced until her forties. Jewelry was for special occasions mostly and a little for work as well.

 My dad certainly never wore anything other than his wedding ring and a watch in the line of jewelry, sometimes cufflinks. He did have a farm watch, a church watch and a special occasion watch. I wanted to be like my dad so I never really had any interest in jewelry. It would not have been odd for me to wear something, many of my friends wore a small gold chain, some bought rings. French Canadian men love jewelry, they often had their ears pierced, two chains and two or three rings.

 I also felt I wanted to keep things natural, if I was supposed to have things sticking out of me, the universe would have given me horns. Yesterday I picked up a gold chain out of a box, that I think probably had a locket on it at one time. I put it on and I liked the look, it needed to be a little more masculine but I could see myself wearing a guy's chain, I may buy one. I did think for a time in my twenties about an ear ring but decided against it when some of my friends tried it and I didn't like the look. One piece of jewelry that I never wanted to buy was a ring, I have tried some nice gold ones on and they looked nice. The reason I wouldn't buy one is because I always wanted my first ring to be given to me by my boyfriend.

 I know it's not the usual reason one gay man gets excited when a second gay man gets down on his knees but that was always something I had hoped for. I wrote about this before but the feeling would be overwhelming to see the man I love have this goofy nervous grin, kneeling before me, open box in hand, asking me the question and when I say yes, I hear "hold out your hand". Like the feeling of defeat when I finally accept that my mom no longer needs her jewelry or clothes for an evening out, I also realize that the romantic proposal is probably never going to happen.

Monday, July 9, 2018

Playing hard to get.

 Last night I was very frustrated with trying to meet guys. I never mentioned this to anyone because I didn't want to build on something that never happened but I was supposed to meet with a guy on Friday. Again it was a no go. At least this time the guy let me know he wasn't coming. However it was at the last minute, after I spent the afternoon getting ready, I was dressed and heading out to my car when I got the text. Yesterday I was getting disappointed with fake profiles when suddenly a younger guy in his thirties sent me a message.

Guy: Hello there. :)

Me: Hello back, lol.

At this point I was thinking to myself "please don't be an idiot because I have had my fill".

Guy: I'm so horny!

I just let out an "uuugh" because it was another idiot. There was a million things I wanted to say to him and all were what an idiot he was. That wouldn't be fair to someone just looking for sex, although my profile says I'm not interested in hooking up.

Me: Really? Seriously? Then for Pete's sake maybe you should go take a cold shower or something!

I figured that would be it, he either would stop or tell me off. Anyway I got a huge kick out of myself and was laughing at what I just said. Then he emails back.

Guy: Then maybe after you could warm me up!

Me: Ahh, I bet you say that to all the boys.

I guess he was surprised by resistance, he probably was used to either getting interest or turned down.

Guy: I really like red heads, they are cute.

Me: yes apparently I have become the latest fashion trend, we are all the rage now.

Guy: Lol.

I suddenly could see there was some personality there. I shut him down politely, I told him that I never just hookup with a stranger, that I am not comfortable with that. He emailed back and said not to worry that he understood, which I thought was polite, unlike the usual silence I would normally get, so they are not all jerks.

Sunday, July 8, 2018

The Great D..k Pic Debate!

 The other day I made a comment to a fellow blogger, (a super sexy older guy) about not responding to guys with pictures of their... umm.... their ummm... their breakfast sausage, their member, one eyed snake, junk, their penis on their personal profile. Some guys don't have a face picture and yet have a picture of "that"! I feel it tells me something about them. Maybe I am using an outdated form of judgment. I personally don't feel a really quality man would do that. I can see later on as you get to know each other and are joking around, maybe one dares the other, that's different. Just putting it up as part of the advertising seems really odd to me, I can't see that man as being a decent guy.

 I totally understand if you are searching for a hookup, actually it probably makes sense to do that, the signal is pretty clear and the other person knows what they are getting, they are not hooking up for your vibrant personality. I am not judging anyone if that is what they are into. I have also heard stories of guys hooking up and going on to forming a relationship.

 The other blogger said that I shouldn't look at it that way, the guys could just be confident in themselves and with how the equipment looks. It does seem to be common, maybe some guys don't really want to do it but feel they have to. However when I think of all the guys I would love to date, most I know would never post such a picture. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am right, what do you think, if you are or were single and were trying to date, would you ignore a person trying to contact you who posted pictures of his hotdog, garden hose, rooster, tent pole, penis, his penis. Apparently it's not just a gay thing either, some of my female friends tell me the same thing.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Coasting Downhill. Hurtling?

 It's becoming clearer to me with each passing day that I am getting o___, becoming youth challenged. My friends and I joke about it all the time now, the signs are there, actually the signs of aging are held in the hands of angry anti-youth protesters that show up and force you to act your age. Where is a good water cannon when you need one!

 I know that I'm getting older because....

 I like rhubarb now, I used to hate it with a passion.

 I find most people too loud, it's like they think they are in a play and are performing for me. I don't care how you told off the person at work.

 I think most new t.v.shows are stupid.

 I prefer a good cup of tea over any type of pop or soft drink.

 Even though I enjoy swimming, I rarely go because most pools and lakes feel like ice water to me now.

  Most new music is garbage to me, although to be honest I was never a top forty type of person.

 I sometimes hurt my back just by getting out of bed the wrong way the morning.

 I find sci-fi movies ridiculous, when at one time they were my favorite.

 I don't like cake anymore and just threw some out a neighbour gave to me.

 My "down time" is a nap.

 Sex takes a lot longer to reach the final goal, okay I'm not complaining about that one, I'm bragging!

 I have my current cell phone for five years and I still don't remember the number.

 My stomach closes up shop and goes home around seven in the evening.

 New clothes are like a stranger in my personal space, while old favorites are like my family.

 Any weird or odd aches and pains, make me worry about a tumor or heart disease.

 New gadgets no longer excite me, they annoy me. I think it's a conspiracy to make you buy the latest version of everything.

 I sometimes feel there is a conspiracy behind most things, it's the government! Kids these days! When I was young! There was a time! I'm having toast for supper. I need a nap.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Make it great again.

July fourth, make America great again, work towards getting rid of the lump. I feel bad that so many of my friends to the south don't feel good about their country. However there is nothing wrong with the "country", America has contributed a lot to the world over time, even though you rarely hear about those stories. There are a lot of really fantastic people and also good people that have been lead astray and just need to be reminded they are decent.

 Americans just need to work on taking their country back from whatever ideology that seems to have taken control of it. Don't be ashamed of your country, only be ashamed if you do nothing about it.

Monday, July 2, 2018

How hot is it?

 It's so hot out that my deodorant has put an overtime claim in. It's so hot out that if I walk around barefoot, I'm hydroplaning across the floor from sweat. It's so hot out that if my "boys" drop any lower, I going to have to tuck them into a sock to keep from stepping on them.

 Yesterday was brutal, I like the heat but I don't like the humidity. It felt like a wet towel was tied over my face, very hard to breath. Makes your feet feel like they are fifty pounds each! Today is a little better. I was out early this morning to open up all the doors of the barn, it stayed cool in there until the evening, I don't want the animals to get over heated. Even with all the windows in the house open last night, the temperature inside was still above 80... whew! Still hot today but so far less humidity. I was also in the garden early this morning before the sun came up. I didn't do anything for Canada day yesterday. A friend of mine was in this morning, he said that he went to the local town hall and no one was there. Most things had been cancelled until later that evening so I didn't miss anything.

  Today is a holiday in Canada since Canada day fell on a Sunday. I was invited to spend the day at a lake today.... so see ya!!!

Sunday, July 1, 2018

Canada day and room elephants.

 Today is Canada day, I can't tell you how many times I've been watching the news and feel privileged to live in this country. Yes we have our flaws but they pale in comparison to most other countries.

 I would like to talk about the fun things we were supposed to be doing but there is a giant elephant in the room..... again. I don't go to the city anymore because I don't like crowds. I like the smaller towns, I find them more fun. However events are being cancelled left right and center because of the weather... again. This time it's an extreme heat "event" like never seen before. The temperature will soar to 36 Celsius or 97 Fahrenheit, now I know that may not sound so bad to people in the warmer climates but it will come with a suffocating humidity, the results will cause it to be more like 47 Celsius or 116 Fahrenheit. Absolutely unheard of for this part of the country. The humidity at that level doesn't allow the body of people or animals to cool down from sweating because the air doesn't absorb our moisture anymore. Already at six in the morning I can barely breath outside.

 Many Canada day events have been affected by weather in the past. I get so tired of people saying, "this is normal" no it isn't, maybe for a jungle somewhere but not Ottawa Canada. We do actually get high temperatures in summer and many humid days but not like this! Last week it went down to almost freezing again, we had a lite frost but lucky for us, no plants were damaged, that also never happened before this late in June, look over here, pay no attention to that climate change behind the curtain.