Y2K, not oK.

Y2K, remember that? On January first of the year 2000, all the computers were going to shut down or crash, airplanes were going to fall out of the sky, the power grid was going to over-load and explode, civilization was going to end as we knew it. Even though people who actually worked in the industry were saying it won't be that bad, leave it up to the media to create hysteria. I was with my current company and there was some worry about it but not panic. Something scary is about to happen related to Y2K, something that makes me feel sick inside but there's nothing I can do about it. Even though it feels like a few years ago, the frightening thing for me is to realize that all the cute little babies born on that worrisome day, will begin to turn into men and women, eighteen years of age. I find myself feeling like I'm watching an hour glass that represents my life, the sand is quickly slipping out and there is nothing I can do.

Merry Christmas!

Many of you are about to be busy so let me wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Now I have to get caught up on all the last minute things I kept putting off, procrastination is not a good character quality to have... lol.

Santa is on drugs!

In the never ending quest for companies to cash in on Christmas, I think I just saw a new low. Instead of leaving out for Santa some cookies and milk, one company that manufacturers pain medication recommended leaving out some pills. It's supposed to help with any back pain or muscle soreness. Yes, leaving out drugs where little children will be running around excited with candy and toys, what could ever go wrong! That's really $ick you $upid idiot$ ............................................... Can't you just see it, after a few houses like these, Santa would be feeling no pain. I can see him after a few years of this new trend, coming down the chimney and heading straight into everyone's medicine cabinet, cold sweat running down his face. Rushing into little Cindy Lou's bedroom, "Santa is edgy, he's feeling rotten, please tell old Santa, where the heck is mommy's oxytocin"! Imagine poor Santa, stumbling around, knocking over Christmas trees, stepping on gifts, slurring his speech "woh whoo ho", the perfect Santa for modern times. Later we would read how he was sleeping around with sketchy women behind Mrs Clause's back, he had to be treated for an infection from a tattoo on his arm, the reindeer were taken away from him because of neglect, verbal abuse allegations regarding a drunken stupor on the shop floor and finally Santa missing one Christmas due to being checked into rehab. What is next, Santa taking Viagra? Unmerry Christmas drug company, I hope your sales go as low as your ethics!

SM

Warning, this post may be offensive to some readers. This evening I was catching up on outside work since the temperature was a little above freezing, making working outside bearable. As darkness fell I decided it was time to go in. Plus because of noon cranberry juice, I really had to "go", then I was thinking that I am out in the country, it's getting dark, there's no one around and I just cleaned the washroom. So I marked my territory, not just marked it, I wrote my initials in the snow, not just wrote them, I used a heavy font. I didn't have to "go" enough to spell my full name, so I just stuck with SM. The odd thing about this is that even though I have lived in Canada all my life, plus lived in the country most of my life, I have never done that before, wrote in the snow that is. I have to wonder, am I improving or regressing. Made me wonder about a lot of other silly things that I have never done. Like the game "never have I ever", my list would be too long, not that I haven't tried at times. Sometimes I think everyone just has to let go a little, live a little, I caused myself to miss out on a lot of experiences. Funny things like skinny dipping, never did that, wanted to try it but just never had the chance. I think it's too late now for many things, getting caught up in the moment is a life experience, doing something just to mark an X on some list seems sad in a way. Other things just don't interest me, like sex on the kitchen table, first let me say yuck, I would burn the table after, plus how uncomfortable would that be. Bungee jumping, makes absolutely no sense to me, I wouldn't judge someone else for doing it but it's not for me. Anyway I don't want to question my life now, all I did was write in the snow. Oddly enough it was still my hand writing which is strange considering I wasn't using a pen.

Haunted by past Christmases.

Yesterday I was running errands and didn't get finished until after dark. On my way home I had to pass through the small village where my mother grew up. I have a lot of good Christmas memories regarding that place, my maternal grandparents lived in the same house until the day they died. As is often the case, we were very close to our mother's parents, every Sunday was spent visiting and of course Christmas day was spent there eating, opening gifts and running around with the cousins. Across the street was an outdoor skating rink, where we would play all evening with other kids from the area, it was like a scene from an old movie that was about Christmas. Every house would be decorated for Christmas, not over the top like some houses can be nowadays but there would be a large tree in every living room shining out and there would also be outdoor trees all in lights as well. ............................................. I was thinking about past Christmases spent in this little village as I was approaching the entry point. I was greatly saddened by what I saw next. The town was in almost complete darkness. No lights, no decorations and no sight of any Christmas trees. I was looking at the houses as I past through and in my mind realized that most of the people there are in their seventies or older, too feeble to be hoisting up lights, some of the other houses were bought by single men who travel to the city for work, not likely they have time or the desire to put up decorations. Also a lot of the houses are empty, the owners long gone now, leaving the properties to middle aged children who only use the houses in summer. Then came the most disappointing, my grandparents house, in total darkness, it has been that way for over two years now. The house has changed ownership many times since they died, seems no one is interested in living there. I couldn't help thinking, this must be the town that Christmas forgot. Sad the way things can change so much and not always for better.

Christmas vomit.

It's that time of year again where the only tv channels I get, are too frigging cheap to show good Christmas movies or even b grade movies for that matter. Now when I turn on the tube I am assaulted by the worst, most sappy, cheesy, totally predictable movies I have ever (momentarily) watched. It's the same story line over and over. Girl meets guy, girl hates guy, girl and guy quarrel, argue, bicker, sarcastically at first but then playfully, until one day girl realizes guy is just misunderstood (and incredibly wealthy) so she dumps her fiance, usually at the altar. There are long family tensions thrown into the story also but they suddenly get cleared up because the cheerful woman has a picnic in the park or bakes a cake for them. Of course something happens that they can't be together and some lame misunderstanding keeps them apart until the end then the guy proposes. Bbbbarrrrrf! I can't believe that a film like this still gets made, who the heck writes this crap, thirteen year old girls?

Oops, did it again.

The other day I was working/chatting with a friend in our local cemetery, a usual day for me as I am a volunteer on the graveyard committee. We were taking measurements for an older neighbour, he is still alive but as he said, at 83 it never hurts to be prepared. I love the practicality of country folks. While we were marking out headstones, I commented that someone who is gay was worried about their partner not being allowed to be buried with them since this is a Catholic graveyard. I wanted to see what my friend would say. He just kind of huffed and said that it was nobody's business who gets buried in a person's plot once it has been paid for. I said there could be trouble but he reminded me that there are couples buried together that were never married and some had gone on to join other religions after buying plots. I felt better knowing there are allies on the committee. He mentioned another neighbour's son who also recently bought two graves, one for him and the other must be for his longtime boyfriend. ............................................. There we were, two guys quietly taking measurements, staking out plots, casually talking about gay people we know.... and I could have just calmly slipped in a little "me to" but I didn't. It was a perfect moment and I purposely skipped the moment, so it made me think a lot after about the "why not" why didn't I say anything. I think I still feel like I'm giving up some form of power by revealing that secret. I also think I am a little embarrassed about being gay, maybe not ashamed of being gay but more embarrassed by being different, by drawing attention to my sexuality and who I date, no matter how small that attention would be. It's a little annoying as well, that I would even have to have a conversation about my sexual preference but I feel some of my friends here are thinking about setting me up with someone. I don't want to be put into that awkward moment. I have a feeling when I finally do tell people, they are going to say they already suspected that I was. At least this time I didn't feel like crying so I guess that's progress lol.

Indifference earned.

Relationships, just the average ordinary person to person relationship, a friendship, dating relationship or family, I think the worst thing to happen to that type of relationship is not hate but indifference. Hate between former friends or family members, sometimes really means that they are hurt or angry and those emotions block the real desire to be united. I don't think people invest time in a pointless relationship, I think many are looking for something, hoping for something. I remember one of my friends always saying how much she hated her father. He was a selfish person and left his family to run off and have fun, eventually starting a whole new family to replace the first bunch. I always felt when she would be ranting about what a loser he was, she was really saying that he hurt her by leaving (rejecting) her and the rest of the family. Her brother on the other hand I knew actually didn't care about the father, he had no interest or reaction to any news about him. I knew I was right when my friend's father passed away, she was going on and on about not caring what happened to him and didn't want to hear people expressing sympathy. I said that I was sorry he wasn't the father that she wanted, that she deserved. She went completely quiet, a little stunned I think that I said what she has always been thinking. She cried a little and thanked me. .............................................. When it comes to friendships I am pretty easy going about how people choose to live their life. As long as you are not harming someone, I don't judge. One thing which immediately changes my view of a person, is finding out I can't trust them. If someone lies about something major when there was no reason to lie, or does something really negative towards me, that makes me see them like stranger, someone to be cautious around. It may sound weird but I see them as a stranger that was disguised as a friend. It's like thinking "I thought you were (this) person but you're someone else". I don't like drama so there is no big argument, I just ghost them (disappear). Having someone like that around, is like standing on a rotting floor, I feel they are unstable. Recently I discovered that a friend of mine was not being honest with me, I was a bit surprised and at the same time deep down not surprised. The strange thing, there was no need for deception, I don't get it. Now I couldn't be bothered with him, to me it was a little creepy, there is no mending this fence. Only for cleaning up emails, I rarely think about him, I am not upset, I don't feel anything, sometimes it's almost a relief not to have to go out of my way to visit and I think this is probably a healthy way to end relationships. Congratulations sir, you have my complete indifference.

Wolf Serenade.

Sunday was a perfect day for putting up the Christmas lights, rain and warm weather stopped me from completing the task last week. Sunday however was the right moment, it was cold out but calm, no biting wind and to top it off, a gentle snow fall started in the evening. I started at dusk, I had some ideas that I wanted to try (none of which worked out) and as usual I unknowingly start to sing Christmas songs while doing it. Usually when taking them out of the boxes I am singing Oh Christmas tree but that gets old fast since I don't know the words. Once I start to get the first strings up, the soft lights on the fresh snow make me switch to something more spiritual, like Come all ye faithful or Joy to the world. .................................................. As darkness fell I was going up and down my ladder, happy in my little Christmas task, singing to myself when I realized I was picking up the sound of something else. I will remind you I live in the country, as in the real country. It was a wolf, I am not sure if he heard me or was watching me from a distance. He was doing a barking type howling, a little like when coyotes do that yapping howl only a lot more powerful. There was still some light out and the wolf was a good distance away so I didn't think about it much. All went quiet and I continued on forgetting about it. It got very dark out, pitch black because the clouds blocked any light. As I was getting closer to the end of my task, I heard something that made the caveman in me want to run up the ladder. In the darkness the wolf had crept much closer, he let loose with a full on mournful howl, the kind of blood chilling howl, that if I was watching a movie, a werewolf usually jumps out to attack the villagers. They are very clever like that, darkness and heavy fog make them braver. He was howling and alarm barking, clearly it was annoyed with me. Not the sound track for Christmas tree decorating that I wanted, it was close and I couldn't see a thing beyond the halo of the Christmas lights. I found it a little ironic because last night I was watching, "A Nightmare Before Christmas" and I thought this was a perfect way to set the mood for a movie like that. I was mostly finished with what I wanted to do so I decided to head in for the night. I am not sure how to feel, a little spooked or insulted, maybe it didn't like my bright lights invading the cover of darkness or worse, maybe his howling was a comment on my singing.

Outcast, of the Outcasts.

I have always been a loner, it's not something I worked towards, it's just who I have always been. I have never had a best friend, even people who thought they were close to me, probably only knew about one third of who I am. Dating Dan was probably the closest thing to a best friend I ever had. I always thought my being solitary was because I am gay, that my sexuality was a barrier to me fitting in with the rest of the herd. Yesterday while chopping wood (doesn't that sound manly) I came to the realization that I am disconnected from other people, not because I'm gay but because that is just my weird and quirky personality. Even when I meet other gay people, I don't connect with them. I had thought at one time, once I met other gay folks, everything would fall into place for me and I would be accepted into the gay fold. It made me laugh a little to think about being an outcast (so to speak) even amongst a group that used to be outcasts, typical for me.

Light, Lights, SHINE!

Banishing the darkness, there could be many interpretations to that phrase, darkness in your life, in your head or in general. Today however it is simpler, darkness as in darkness, as in it's dark by 4:30 around here these days, especially on a cloudy day, it can feel like a never ending night. I think I will put up the Christmas lights today, a little brightness, a little cheer to help keep the gloomy crazies away. The old folks were a lot more clever than we gave them credit for, science is now saying they may have realized the importance of light vs mental health problems. Really Einstein, do you think? It's no coincidence that almost every culture has a holy day or festival of lights during the darkest days of the year. ............................................. Today is unusually warm, easier to move my fingers than ten below freezing, so it's a go for me. Need to trim the Christmas bush down so I don't have too much work, I just want some light and not to send runway signals to jets overhead. Everybody sing, oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, hum hum hum dum do dee, sorry I don't remember any other words after "oh Christmas tree".

I'm not staff! I'm not staff!

I am not staff, I am not staff, I am not staff, I am not staff! Then why is it that I am about to drive 30 minutes to a store to buy cat food? I can't help it, the youngest is controlling me by using her super powers of cuteness. There is no resistance, she rolls over upside down onto my feet, then makes this adorably little sound, "me-ewe, me-ewe" which clearly means, "I love you daddy", and probably also go buy me cat food but not the cheap stuff.

Saints and Villains.

There are a few old sayings that I find usually ring true. One of the sayings goes something like, "there are no Saints, only undiscovered villains". It seems that every day someone is exposed for sexual harassment or assault and often it's someone we would never have expected. I used to feel sorry for women in less civilized countries, the men there seemed to be like pigs in heat; however it seems our pigs were hiding it better. Lately I hear a name exposed and wonder if it was just some misunderstanding, some bad joke played under the influence of alcohol at a party but no, once the shocking details come out it's clearly predatory behaviour. Does almost every man with a little power feel it is ok to force their will on people that are vulnerable? .............................................. Sadly I think a lot of men still don't get it. I was listening to a conversation between two radio hosts today, one was asking what kind of men are these perpetrators. He went on to say he didn't think any of his friends would do this. I say didn't we learn anything from when people opened up about being abused as children, often it was someone everyone trusted. How many times did we hear people say they would never believe that person could do something so terrible. ............................................... I'm not shocked by this, over the years things have happened at different places where I've worked. The last incident involved one of my closest friends. She was recently married to a great guy and was enjoying her new life. One day someone we had both worked with for years, someone we respected, someone older than us, someone we both trusted completely, cornered her and began sexually assaulting her. Fortunately she was able to get away but for years she was not the same person. The second assault was all the people who couldn't accept that he did this, even though he fully confessed, many people blamed her. Regarding our coworkers, I had a distrustful view of people before this incident, I can't even begin to tell you what I think now. She used to call me up in tears, not understanding why so many people were supporting him. I hate sheepeople, that is probably the reason I could just put a rock through my tv when I see people saying how much they love, admire and forgive the culprits. Easy to forgive when he wasn't groping you, plus do you forgive someone who is sorry for getting caught and not sorry for what they did. ............................................ When I was first coming out, one of my complaints about gay men was that I found so many to be too sexually aggressive. I would be having a great time with my boyfriend and friends, when suddenly some guy would place his hand on my private property! I thought this was a gay issue, clearly not. Many times I hear these straight guys trying to explain away their behavior, saying they didn't think it was inappropriate at the time. If we ad in the gay equation, how many of them would feel comfortable if they showed up at an executive's house and the guy, as big as a football player, stepped out of the shower naked, locked the front door, while saying how nice their ass look in those pants! Would they think that was inappropriate? .............................................. It doesn't have to be someone with great power either, when my sister was young, she had a job that shared space within a police station, we all felt happy for her, the safest place to be we thought. We were raised to respect police and thought of them as heroes. To this day she always says the most disrespectful, filthy minded, creepy pigs of men she has ever worked with was there. I think finally the light is getting through, I feel so sorry for women, we have really been letting them down. I hope this is a turning point, I hope the men who act this way will become a pariah, it will become embarrassing to associate with them. I have to wonder about the past Saints and Heroes, how many women suffered in silence knowing what true villains they were.

Remember Our History.

In the past few years I have noticed a push towards pretending that gay relationships are and have always been, exactly like straight relationships in society. Not so fast, there seems to be this dismissive attitude towards the older gay generations and the struggles they went through. Society was not always this inclusive, you would only have to live in the wrong country for a year to understand what it was like. I don't want to dwell in the past but I don't want things smoothed over either just to make people feel less guilty about prejudiced thinking they once had. Like many gay people, I was happy to see Will and Grace come back, interesting enough they touched on this subject in one episode, focusing on the importance of remembering our past. ............................................. Today in our Parliament the Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau will apologize to members of the LGBTQ community, specifically the older people who were persecuted for being gay. Yes I know this makes the younger people squirm but even in Canada you would be investigated and hunted down by the police if it was thought that you were gay. Your face would end up on the evening news and in the papers. You would lose your job, family and friends would abandon you, people would think of you as a pervert on the same level as drug dealers and thieves, you would be an outcast. Many people committed suicide once it was revealed that they were gay. ............................................. It is ironic to note that the past Justice Minister who stopped this from continuing was Pierre Trudeau, Justin's father, who would later go on to become Prime Minister as well. Pierre had a famous quote "the state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation" which makes perfect sense to most people now but many at the time were horrified by the thought of two people enjoying sex without some sort of rules being applied. People spread rumors that Pierre was a homosexual to try and discredit him, even though he appears to always have been a ladies man. Along with the apology will be compensation for lost wages and expenses brought on by the persecution of these people, that is important I feel because it's not just an "oops sorry" it's a "we were really wrong". It is important for gay people to finally move into their rightful place in society, just as important however is not forgetting the people who suffered to get us here.

Chicken soup, let's make some!

What is good for making chicken soup? I want simple ideas, no searching for some rare spices that haven't been available since Elvis was alive, a hair from Bigfoot or the eye of newt. I have done this before, actually about a month ago I made some. I am using vegetables from my garden, carrots, onions, celery, green beans the usual. I am wondering about spices, I don't want anything that will overwhelm the chicken, because the chicken I am using is my own, so very fresh and a lot of flavour, that's why it's important not to overwhelm the chicken. To honor the boys, it has to be beyond just chicken soup, it has to be "the chicken soup" of all chicken soup, delicious but not complicated. Last batch of soup, I just made up a recipe in my head, some of this, a little of that and it was pretty good but there was just some little thing missing. What can I use to enhance the flavour or work with it, any ideas? There is nothing better this time of year, than coming in from a cold day outside and having homemade soup and a sandwich. I'm so hungry!

Your Golden Boy.

There was an old expression in my area that people used to use in describing someone's favourite child, it was golden haired boy or golden haired girl. These days since most people only have one or two children instead of four or five, that saying is obsolete. I keep hearing some sayings being tossed around the gay community, "gold star gay" or "golden gay". Turns out this is a term for a gay man who has never "been" with a woman, if you know what I mean. That made me laugh, I finally get a gold star but it's not for something I have done, it's for something I didn't do! There are many things I haven't done in life, I should get a trophy! Sorry to my bi readers, you guys are disqualified automatically. People usually ask me that question sooner or later, have I ever dated a woman, have I ever slept with a woman, the truth is no. The next question is always so odd for me, they usually ask "if you have never been with a woman, how do you know that you are gay"? I always answer with a question, I ask them how do they know that they are straight? Sometimes they will ask if I am curious about what it would be like to be with a woman. Then comes the question, "if you had the chance to sleep with a woman, would you"? I have to be honest and I always say..... yes. If I knew her well, felt comfortable with her and she knew about me then yes I would be interested in the experience. I honestly don't know how it would go, if anything would actually work (lol) but I would give it a try. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying, I'm not bisexual, I would have no interest in starting a relationship, it would just be an experience for me. Sadly one of the side effects would be that I would lose my goal star; however I would have created a new title for myself, "gay curious" a gay identified man interested in straight sex, which is the opposite of straight curious, something we keep reading about but doesn't seem to exist in the real world. Maybe I would start a new trend, there would be a whole column on craigslist for gay men trying to hook up with women. Mostly I tell them that I have enough trouble finding a man to be with, so I am certainly not going to put a lot of effort into losing my shiny star.

Sign of the times "CLOSING".

I was in a store yesterday and I realized that they were playing Christmas music. At first I was thinking they must be nuts, then I started to realize that it's the middle of November already! Already? Middle of November already!!! How is this possible, time is just speeding by. The Christmas music had me thinking (as usual) about the way Christmas was so magical in my younger days. One of the first signs were the arrivals of two cherished Christmas catalogs. The Sears Christmas wish book and the Eaton's Christmas book. I believe Eaton's was a Canadian only store, it was an everything store, much like Sears. In my parents time, you could order a stove, sweater, furniture, horse harness and even a house. The house had some assembly required, this is not a joke, I have been in one. Leading up to Christmas, Eaton's also had a Santa Claus parade, it was tradition for us to watch it on tv every year. My sister and I agreed, Eaton's definitely had a better toy section in its catalog and we went over and over those pages of toys, imagining finding some of them under the tree. Sadly times change, the way people shopped changed and it was the end of an era, Eaton's went out of business. The city of Toronto saved the Christmas parade however, it still runs every year to this day. ............................................. Sears became our "go to store" for most things Christmas and it has been that way ever since. Again, times change and how people shop have changed. Sears has been struggling in Canada and has announced that they are closing their doors for good. It's almost unbelievable to me on one level but on another level I could see it happening. Even myself, I hardly shop there anymore. I will miss having a variety all in one store, from books to socks. I also will miss the fact they had items in many different sizes and colors, unlike most stores these days with the one size fits all policy or teal is the color of the year. Now in December it's almost like looking through an old store yearbook when I unpack the decorations, many of the ornaments came from stores long forgotten and I find myself showing people the boxes saying "remember these guys, remember this". My sister remarked that it's another tradition lost. I shouldn't be that surprised, about two years ago I was doing some last minute shopping on the 23rd, normally I avoid doing that but because of work, I was in a mall the eve of Christmas eve. I was so surprised with how thin the number of shoppers seemed to be. I remarked this to a cashier and she said that because of online shopping, she sees the crowds getting smaller and smaller each year. Maybe one day malls will start to close down as well. In the near future everyone will just do their holiday shopping online, convenient in many ways, no crowds, running around or stress. I enjoy the shopping part, a little hustle and bustle is part of the season to me and it would feel like something was missing if that were to completely change. Just sitting at my laptop ordering items seems too sterile. I just hope they don't figure out some way to send that awful "elevator music" version of Christmas songs over my smartphone.

I See (YOU).

I really believe that one of the reasons I am still single, is because I see people for who they really are and not who I wish they were. I also believe that my last relationship failed, partly because my then boyfriend had this image in his head of his ideal partner, suddenly one day he woke up and discovered that he was actually dating me instead. Even the guy I had a friend's with benefits type partnership with, got into a huge argument with me. He was angry with me because I wouldn't date him,frustrated because I wouldn't give an "us" a chance. The reason was simple, I could see him for who he was, not who I wanted him to be and I knew it would never work. I don't regret that decision. Too many people would feel like they have to follow the script, they would get into a relationship that they know deep down, they don't really want. I know that probably sounds like I'm being too ridged but to me save the romance for the person that makes you feel sparks in your stomach when you see them. I could never date someone, just to not be single, I think a situation like that would give me a claustrophobic feeling. Hopefully one day I will see a man for who he really is, my soul mate.

When Society Fails.

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada, a day to remember all the people who fought and died in service to our country. I usually don't take part in any ceremonies, not because I don't care, and not because I don't understand the sacrifice the people gave for us, it's the opposite. My empathy goes into overdrive, when I start hearing the stories of loss, I find it overwhelming. I can't stand the sense of waste regarding young lives, mostly boys killed in the process of becoming men. A lot of women also but especially in earlier times it was men. It makes me so angry as well that one or two idiots at the head of some government, causes the average person to lose their sons or daughters. I wish there was a world wide counsel of "regular" citizens that monitored governments, whenever one seemed a threat to our family lives, they would disappear. This will never happen and I no longer feel that humanity will grow. I once believed that people would begin to have an awakening with the improvement of communication technology, I no longer feel that way. Typical of us, we use it to hold on to our ignorance. It is such a shame that with the thousands upon thousands of deaths, we really haven't learned a thing. However as an average, regular person, it's still my duty to think of the other average, regular people, who paid the ultimate price for me. The men and women who came back but left a part of themselves behind and the men and women who never came back. The people who didn't come back paid a huge price, not only with their deaths but with the lives they never got to live.

Why are you hear? Looking inward II.

I caught you (me), why are you here Steven (me), what are you looking for? You know that when you are blogging it's because you are not functioning in the real world. You are trying to get back a memory, a feeling, a moment in time but that is in the past. You're looking for that friendship you gained when you first started blogging about wanting to come out. This blog served the purpose but times have changed. Look at the email you received yesterday from an old blog buddy, look how he has moved on to better, much, much better things. Time to try and do the same, every time you post from now on, will be a mark of failure. Your cell is not a buddy, your computer is not a buddy, they can't hug you or help you or have apple crumble with you, what are you doing here. Steven (me) you can't continue to do nothing and then whine about being lonely, your efforts are 100% of the results you will get, either successful or failure. Another thing, pick a better class of people than "you know", if a new friend requires that you be better, then be better and keep them around. If they require nothing of you, then that friendship is worth nothing, and you shouldn't be friends with someone, that you often try to figure out whether they are telling you the truth or not. Everything here is EVERYTHING that you already know and yet you avoid. Coward, you can't hide from me (myself) I know every thought dummy, you are afraid like with Dan, that once someone gets to know you, they will reject you. Big deal, that's life, poop happens. Like everyone else in the world you move on from there, you will never gain any kind of experience from trying nothing.

Chefboyarsteve!

This evening I am very pleased with myself, I was invited to supper and I made a perfect apple crumble. I used apples from my own tree, I don't know what kind it is, the tree is old and grew on its own, the apples need to be left on the tree late into fall before being picked to get the best flavour. The fruit is not that good to just pick and eat off the tree but is really good for baking with. I have been playing around with a simple recipe, adding sliced almonds on top and a couple of teaspoons of my secret ingredient. I also let it cook for about seven minutes longer than asked. On my way over I bought vanilla frozen yogurt to go with my creation. It was a hit, compliments all around. The funny part however and also the best compliment, was every time I looked over, one of my hosts was sneaking another mouthful of apple crumble, in fact as I was getting ready to leave, it was almost all gone. That gave me a satisfying feeling, my efforts were appreciated. I want to see if I can replicate my creation and then maybe, just maybe I will share the recipe, maybe.

Looking inward, I.

Wednesday my closest neighbors asked me over for supper. Living in a small town, I have known the husband my entire life, he is a little older than I am, I even looked up to him when I was a child. He pulled out old photos and an old high school year book from his time in high school. Looking through old pictures, at the hair cuts, clothes, plus the youth of the people, caused me to think about my younger days. I was thinking about what was running through my mind in my late teens to early twenties and that one of the most homophobic people I know of from back then, was me.

Straight, to the point.

I keep reading articles about "straight" guys who like to have sex with other men. Didn't we used to call that bisexual?

Dead Quiet for Halloween.

No children again this year for Halloween, out here in the country, Halloween is dead and not the spooky dead like ghosts, the boring end of an era kind of dead. It's what happens when the breeders don't breed, no children. It used to be that people would drive to the neighbors but not anymore, everyone heads for the nearest village and drops the kids off. Even people in the villages notice the difference. My aunt living closest to me, used to get around two hundred kids, a lot for a small village, now however she only gets twenty to thirty. Last year I had two kids but I cheated, I text the mom to stop in on her way past my house, not counting those two it has probably been twenty to twenty-five years since the last child. Oh well, I guess that I will just have to eat these delicious mini chocolate bars. I was a bit of a procrastinator getting them, just this afternoon is when I bought them. All the stores had moved the candy and Halloween displays near the doors... because as usual they were frantically filling the shelves with Christmas items. ................................................. I remember my last Halloween, I was ten or eleven, it was a rite of passage for us to stop around that age in my area, a sign of maturity, unlike the city kids, a person would be called a baby if they were in high school and still trick or treating. My sister had started high school so she was no longer interested in going and my father said he wasn't going to just take me. A friend living close by, invited me to join her and her brother. That evening I had a lot of fun, we rode in the back of a pickup and her mother would drop us off and just let us go to work, walking up and down the streets and then taking us to another part of the Village, this was new to me. My father would only let us go to seven or eight houses, he always seemed embarrassed by us trick or treating, to him it was almost a form of begging. I remember it being really warm that last night and the moon was shining. We finished our candy quest and decided to ride home in the back of the truck, (something kids would not be allowed to do now). I remember leaving the Village and looking up at the sky, hoping to see a bat or an owl, something Halloween-ish, maybe even a witch's silhouette against the moon light. I remember also taking in the moment that this was my last Halloween to trick or treat, I also remember thinking that growing up sucks!

Scariest Movie "Never"!

I watched a scary movie last night, it was frightening....... by how utterly ridiculous the ending was. I started watching Paranormal Activity 3, it seemed a perfect Halloween fit for me. A late Saturday night and I am sitting all alone in a big old house that creaks, cracks and has doors that shut by themselves. I figured what better way to feel young again than to scare myself and watch a movie about a big house that creaks, cracks and has slamming doors. It started out good, leaving the haunting to your own mind which is the best way to get scared. Then things got really stupid towards the end, I don't know if that's jumping the shark, but who ever wrote that pathetic ending should have been thrown to the sharks. At the end of the movie instead of feeling scared, I felt ticked off for having wasted my time! ...........................................Speaking of Halloween, I happen to be listening to the radio in my car, they were discussing costumes. The politically correct police are at it again, trying to suck out every drop of fun in something. They were saying to be sure not to offend anyone with what you dress up as. For instance, schools are banning costumes regarding native people, you are not allowed to dress up as a so called Indian person, or any other type of indigenous peoples. It's considered cultural appropriation, I could see how it would be offensive and wouldn't let my imaginary children dress that way. Some schools are also banning any type of costume that could offend the LGBTQ community, like a leather man or drag queen type costume. I just don't see little kids dressing as a drag queen or leather man but maybe I am behind the times. Many schools and work places are banning cowboy costumes because of the way cowboys were shown in movies as killing native people. There are also places banning police costumes because it makes certain people uncomfortable, same as no soldier costumes because no one wants to glorify war. Listening to this it struck me, no cowboy, no Indian, no leather man, no police man and no soldier, oh for Pete's sake, they just banned the Village People!

Blue skies empty out.

We have been having some really nice fall weather lately. Even when a bit crisp out the sky is blue, the sun is bright and it lifts the spirit. Doing some last minute yard work, I also noticed how quiet things have become. Very rare to hear a bird now and certainly not a cricket or tree toad. Even the sky has emptied out, two weeks ago it was a highway for flocks of geese, ducks and a large flock of cranes. The leaves are mostly off here as well, only a few stubborn yellow or brown ones left. Sometimes a flock of stragglers will fly over, it's always a funny feeling for me in the fall. As I listen and watch the geese fly over, I have this feeling that I should be going with them, that I am being left behind. "Wait for me" I whisper to them. I'm not sure if I want to get away from something or I want to go towards something. Almost every fall now I have this restless feeling, like winter is coming, nature is going to sleep, time to move on. Maybe because I am entering the fall stage of my life and I am dreading the winter stage. ............................................The air is so still this evening, I like that, you could hear a pin drop but instead you hear the last remaining leaves falling, like someone dropping cards onto the forest floor. The geese didn't take me with them, they move on, soon they are out of sight. There is a mass migration of Canadians, most head for Florida to winter, some day I will join the herd and end up on a national geographic documentary, a guy will follow me with a camera as I eat, sleep and hopefully mate along the way. As for now I will stay behind.

Then "He" shows up.

I was at a friend's house, having a cup of tea and a slice of cake... because I never say no to cake. She was telling me about a wedding reception for an older cousin she had just attended. This man had lost his first wife about five years ago to cancer, he has three grown children. The man's youngest son is gay and may I add a very handsome young guy. My friend was saying the son was there with his partner and that the daughter was there with her partner also. I was so surprised, I didn't know the daughter is gay as well. My friend joked that there must be something in the water, then she went on to say it's nice that people don't think twice about gay couples. I never told this friend that I am gay, I have been trying to read her and her husband and thinking of a way to slip it in. I began to see my opportunity, I mentioned someone close to me that we both know who is also gay with a partner. She said that she already knew and how good it is that people no longer have to hide their relationships, that this generation is more accepting. I was relieved, she had a good attitude towards gay people and now I could finally tell her. No big deal, when she finished her sentence I would just casually say "and me as well" or something to that effect. All just very logical and straight forward (no pun intended), until "he" showed up. Yes emotional gay Steven saw his chance to appear, inside my head that is. Clapping his fingers together and building a flood of overwhelming "feelings" he went on and on about how he could reveal his true self to this friend plus release the chains of straight oppression, drama drama drama. This resulted in me nearly crying as I went to tell her that I am gay. I had to abort mission, I was really annoyed at myself, such a perfect opportunity ruined and for absolutely no reason, what the fluff! Now I will have to try another day when sensible Steven is in more control. Looks like coming out is still a big deal to me even after all this time. I think as well it may be because I have not really told anyone new for years. I just function between groups of people who know or don't know and if they sometimes cross over with each other, they can work it out. Ugh, I hate drama.

When the Gods Weaken.

Last night my neighbors invited me to go on a haunted walk with them. There is a lake side, bed and breakfast close to me and every fall they hold a haunted walk through trails in the forest. It was actually fun, I got to feel like a kid again. I was enjoying it in a detached, mature, adult way, until the guy with a chainsaw stepped out of the darkness and started the thing right beside me. Suddenly I was at the front of the group and don't remember how I got there. I joked with one of the owners later, if you find someone's heart in the bush, it's probably mine since it jumped out. ....................................... The other interesting thing that happened was the group I was with brought along some of my older cousins, they were up at their cottages for a last beautiful weekend of sunny weather. Some I haven't seen for a while. In their mid to late fifties, I felt a little sadness because time was winning the war against them. One of my cousins reminded me of my grandfather, his looks, the way he spoke and certainly that same sense of humour. I don't mean in an elderly way and it was also comforting as I miss my grandfather, but I can imagine now what my grandfather looked like in his fifties, shifting from the handsome young farmer to the role of grampa. For my cousins as well I felt a sadness, these guys were like gods to me, tall, handsome, popular, athletic but not jerks about it. Everything I wished I was, not some shy, awkward, clumsy, skinny kid. I remember once feeling very gay (lol), when between hockey games they stripped down to nothing but their long underwear, changing into dryer clothes in front of me. That site stayed in my head for a long time, also I insisted my mom buy me the same type of cotton long underwear since it was very cool looking long underwear, as cool as long underwear can be that is. I wanted to be like them. ............................................. Now here they were standing before me, I could see the elderly men they were about to become, I see my path as well, I think that is why I am more aware of people aging now. I no longer felt a sense of awe looking at them, I just saw some guys, they had lost the super powers I had assigned to them. The sense of time slipping away I have to admit, is probably the scariest feeling that I got from the haunted walk.

The wrong team.

What I am about to say here may offend some but that certainly isn't my intention. This gay thing...... just feels wrong to me. I don't mean being gay is wrong or bad, just for me it doesn't fit. It's like back in school when you were put on a team but all your friends have coincidentally been placed on the other team. I'm the square peg being hammered into the round hole. I just always wanted to be a husband and a dad, have my little house and live happily ever after. It just makes me really sad, this is what I have been given so I have to make the best of it. I was watching a story about a young gay hockey player, about how he came out, the reporter asked how he feels now, he said that he is much happier and then he had this cute grin and a spark in his eyes and said "I like being gay". I guess being a young gay hockey player would give you a lot of good experiences but that statement gave me a chill. At that moment I realized that I hate being gay, I know this may startle you guys but no point in lying, most of you seem to be thinkers so I am just being honest. I don't like being gay, I make due with being gay. Everything about it just makes me feel like I am going against the grain, there is still this hidden stress over it, not like it used to be but it's still there. I sometimes feel that it will cause me to die young. Sorry everyone, I just needed to say it.

Blame the victim?

When I was in my late teens, I went to a mall one day and after a while I sat down to relax for a minute. Keep in mind that when I was 20, people thought I was 15 or 16, so you can probably guess how young I looked when I actually was 15 or 16. Long story short, a much much older man troll tried to get me to go with him, he even said something about a van outside. I was so frightened but I never told a person until I was in my thirties. The reason I didn't say anything was because typically young people blame themselves. Did I somehow let him know that I am gay, was I too friendly, did I send a wrong signal? I felt people would blame me for sure. ............................................. I was thinking about this because of the scandal happening in Hollywood, actresses coming forward with allegations of sexual assault. The thing that upset me is I heard a lot of comments regarding many of those actresses being famous now and they said nothing, also comments stating that they stayed silent so that they could advance their careers. Even some implying a form of prostitution. I can see some of these points but why is the blame going on these women, the talk of fault should only be mentioned while using the name of the person that did this. Mostly I feel upset because of something a female commentator said. She said that it's typical for society to blame the victim when it is a woman. I totally agree with her, how much power does some unknown 16 year old aspiring actress have. Then years later who wants the embarrassment, because even if they did come out, people would still be blaming them as they are now. Mostly to my point let's compare apples to apples, famous males who were sexually assaulted. There are now some retired hockey players who have come forward, some wrote books, I am sure that there are other guys in some of the other sports who are doing the same. They spoke about having to perform sex acts for coaches etc from a young age, they felt they had no choice, that their careers would be finished. I don't ever recall someone saying that they were like a prostitute, exchanging sex for career advancement. I don't remember anyone saying the only reason they are coming out now is because they are retired and it won't hurt their bottom line, I don't recall anyone saying they were cowards for waiting so long and that any young people harmed will partly be their fault. I certainly do recall the men who harmed them being viewed as sick monsters. I also read an article last summer that shocked me, it was about this very thing happening in the military and how guys were given the choice, have sex with the person above you or end your career. Do we judge those guys, no one said they should be stronger because they are a soldier. It is so wrong to judge these women, we don't know what we don't know, even worse, you are judging that frightened young girl from years ago.

Life can be too ironic.

Speaking of stats, I heard some funny ones last month. There were something like 30 or 35% of Canadians that didn't think they knew or had met a gay person. Another 45% felt that they probably haven't spoken to a gay person in the last two weeks. This made me laugh out loud for real, this was my favorite stat. I could understand if you lived up north where your neighbor is Morris the moose but anywhere else is pretty much infiltrated by the homo crowd. Even the small towns and farming community, once people knew they were safe, it was surprising how many people came out. I wonder how the guys I eat lunch with would have answered that, how funny if they put themselves in the 45% group. ............................................ With the younger generation it's a non issue, I often see groups of young straight people that have gay friends in the mix. I am overwhelmed at times when I hear them being protective of their gay buddies. It's the older generations that are still working through their beliefs about the LGBT community, even then it is not that bad, just more comical than anything. Time has jumped forward for us, our parent's generation is fading away, our grandparents are mostly gone. The flower children have moved into the senior role and they are a much more accepting generation. To my point, I was at an event and speaking with two acquaintances, a man and a woman, they are nice people and are in their late sixties. We were talking about getting information from a guy called Ron, then the man suddenly said "you know Ron is gay". I said that I already knew, the man went on to say he was shocked, that Ron certainly didn't fit the stereotype, but that he didn't care. It was kind of cute the way he was trying to be accepting, you could tell that he was still uncomfortable with the idea. The woman was the same, she said similar things, she doesn't judge, not her business, nothing really wrong with a gay couple but there was still that awkward acceptance. The thing that was making me laugh like crazy inside, was the part where they were saying that Ron doesn't look gay, that you neeeever know, that you could be talking to a gay person and not realize it! I said, "I know, it's crazy, there could be a gay person standing right in front of you and you would never know it"!

Are Things Really Better?

I often comment that things are much better for the LGBT community in western countries and regarding acceptance that is mostly true. I read something a few days ago that made me feel sad for the gay community however. It seems the push for the gay community to be out and free is having negative consequences. There is a resistance towards being responsible and living a gay life. I witnessed this many times on the news when reporting on gay health issues. One evening they had on a man representing some gay men's group, he was livid with the reporter for suggesting that men having sex with strangers should use condoms. He informed the reporter that part of the gay culture was the excitement of having unprotected sex. Suggesting otherwise was being discriminatory towards gay men. Even now, many shows give the impression that HIV infection is just like getting a cold, take a couple of pills and everything will be fine in the morning. The stats that made me sad and were a little scary actually, were that young gay men no longer worry about getting infected, they said that if the infection rates amongst young guys stay on the same path as they are now, every second gay man in the U.S. will be infected with HIV by age 50! I will assume Canada will follow suit as I think our stats are the same. The other thing that got me was the age these stats now start, only 13 years old. How sad, boys 13, 14 and 15 already infected, kids really that are not ready for grown-up decisions. I think there is such a push on today to expose kids younger and younger to things of a sexual nature. I understand the idea of getting them to accept at a younger age their gay identity, I agree with that, it's probably a healthy thing to do but I think we better start saying there are negative aspects of entering into sexual relationships. It's ok to wait, there is plenty of time to be gay later, especially if you are only thirteen and it's certainly not bigoted to look out for the younger gay generation.

Funny but....

One Saturday I sat down to eat lunch and as I started, I noticed a car slowing down to a complete stop just below my house. Feeling a bit suspicious I grabbed the binoculars (every home in the country needs a pair) and checked out what was up. Nothing sinister, just two young guys, the driver was talking on his cell phone, oddly enough, cellular reception ends past my place so it's normal for people to stop. The passenger, becoming bored I assumed opened the door and stepped out to stretch. Still using the binoculars, I could clearly see he was a pretty good looking young guy. Six feet, handsome looks, nice shape. Yawning he stretched out his arms and scratched his stomach the way some guys will do. He looked back at his friend talking on the phone and still scratching his stomach, pulled up his shirt, then he fumbled with a drawstring on his pants and I suddenly realized he was going to do something else guys do when they stop to stretch their legs. I still had a clear view and I had the moral dilemma of giving a guy his privacy or since he was exposing himself near my house, stealing a look at the goods. I decided since he wasn't shy and my mom or sister could have accidentally stumbled upon this sight, he almost deserved to be watched. Well at least that works as an excuse for a gay man watching a really attractive guy, so I went with it. As the big reveal was just about to happen, the driver put down his phone and drove ahead about three feet. The guy stopped what he was doing and looked at the driver. Then the car jumped another ten feet with the driver laughing out loud. The cute guy ran for the car door and jumped in just as his buddy took off full speed. I was thinking, "CRAP, he car blocked me"! Whaaa, so close, just about to see the goods of Mr. Hottie guy, everyone has to be a comedian. Well it actually was kinda funny to see the guy scramble to get back in before he was left behind.

A Warm Hug.

I often wonder how people perceive me, I am painfully aware of my faults. Too shy at times, too quiet and I also know that I am a little odd compared to most people, I can't help that fact, it's who I am, my personality is not going to change now. I can feel insecure regarding friends, past and present, I hope often that I'm not just the mascot for our groups (past and present). I worry about the value I have with other people, do I bring something to the table, do I offer them something, do they even notice if I am around or not. It's hard for me to get close to people, I don't click with many, its a flaw on my part, I just don't relate to most people. ............................................... The father of a classmate passed away, she and I were together from kindergarten through high school, also during high school I became friends with one of her brothers so I felt it important to attend their father's wake. I hadn't seen them in years, especially the brother, he moved on to bigger and better things and I completely lost track of him. To be honest here, no shocker, I was quietly in love with him. I secretly had all these fantasies were he one day, would confess his love and affection for me, then we would begin a happy ever after life together...... not. I was a little nervous about seeing him, would he even remember our friendship, or was I maybe making it out to be a bigger deal than it actually was. As I entered, time warped, the adults were unrecognizable to me but the teenage kids were clones of my high school friends, it felt bizarre. I suddenly saw my old classmate, she hadn't changed a lot and she still had the same sweet personality, that gave me comfort. She began to point out her brothers and sister, then came the moment. One of her brothers stepped forward with a huge smile, he had changed a lot, I put my hand out to shake his but what happened next was something I needed. He pushed my hand away laughing and saying "no don't shake my hand, come here, give me a hug, I want a hug"! That lifted my spirit, because I knew even after all these years that my friendship meant something and lately I need to feel that. His personality hadn't changed thankfully, he was the same friendly, funny guy that I remembered. Then it turned out very comical for me, as a group of us were catching up on old times, he kept staring at me and would make comments like "you have not changed at all" then after a while "dude you haven't changed a bit" a little while longer "no I mean seriously man, you really look the same", something every gay man loves to hear (lol). His wife is gorgeous and seems nice, he knows a coworker of mine, our companies actually do business together. ............................................... A crowd was building at the wake and the family needed to speak with them so we said our goodbyes and I left. Looking back as I was leaving and watching them greet other people, it's strange to say but I felt as if I finished a chapter of a book. I also felt the importance of a hug.

Signs, Clear As Mud.

The hardest part of being a gay man I feel, is not letting yourself get too attached to a great guy. Easier said than done, I find myself stepping back from many friendships when I realize that I suddenly find that person attractive. Everything they say is funny, they look so good in "that" shirt, their cologne smells so nice, their voice gives me chills. Wait STOP! Then I realize what is happening and have to reprogram my thinking. I put up a wall when I am around most guys but things happen. The hardest of all is the lonely straight guy, he is the guy that is new to the area or too shy to meet people. Generally they are attracted to me because I'm quiet and shy in public but like to joke around one on one. They see that I am easy going and friendly so they feel comfortable approaching me. The brain tells me they just want a friendship but my emotional side sends confusing messages. It's hard not to see signs that aren't really there, like when they constantly ask me out to dinner or to come over for the evening. To a straight guy it's two buddies hanging out, to a gay guy it's a date??? Nothing snaps you into reality than the discussion of picking up women (yuck). It's hard not to think "is he trying to tell me something" or "does he want to be more than just friends" but I have found so far that it's been 100% friend zone for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only gay man in the world, that's why I found it so uplifting to see the young gay couple last week. Not surprising that I am going through this dilemma at the moment. I have become good friends with someone at work and he is really trying to get closer to me. I don't know what this means, it's flattering that someone finds me interesting but to what level. The other problem is he is younger and comes from a community that is not gay positive, so even if he does have feelings for me, he may not fully accept or understand them. I can only say "no" to going out for so long, starting next week I'm going to say yes. Thanks for listening.

Little gay moments.

I love surprises, especially little gay surprises. I was standing in line at a local store waiting to pay for my items. In front of me were two young guys, nothing out of the ordinary, yes they were both attractive but just the usual local guys that I often see around here. One guy was the clean cut, boy next door type, the other guy was more of the rugged handsome type, probably played hockey on a local team, probably his first car was a pickup. The rugged guy was playing with a little boy about four years old while waiting for the first guy to finish paying for his items. The little boy was saying "lift me higher uncle Tyler, lift me higher", then he said to the other man who looked like he was probably the father, I thought, as there was a clear family resemblance, "look at me uncle Matt". I found this interesting, it is a weird thing about me, the way I notice stuff but I instantly felt it odd for a guy to go shopping with his nephew and buddy. Uncle Tyler had no family resemblance to the little boy at all. Watching them I felt a "vibe", that they were more than friends. Then I said to myself to stop projecting what I wished for on other people, these guys were pretty straight looking. Then BINGO! I saw something that just made me smile on the inside as well as my outside. The bigger guy, the rugged looking guy, had behind one ear a tattoo of the male symbol entwined with another male symbol. They were a couple, my gaydar was working, they were together. It made me feel so good inside, also I felt admiration for that guy, because he could easily pass for straight and yet he wants the world to know he is not, he is a gay man, deal with it! I envy the younger gay generation.

Yup, so ten uhh.

Today is the day, no big hoopla or anything but today it's ten years since I started this blog. It started with a post called AWAKENING, I thought about reposting but I was afraid that I may accidentally deleted it. I had been communicating with some people in the blogosphere a year or two before starting the blog, so it wasn't totally out of the blue. I don't see it as an anniversary or milestone, more like "YIKES" has it really been that long. So much has changed in blogland, all my old blog buddies have vanished except for two. I miss the other people, they helped me so much way back then. I don't think I ever planned on blogging this long, I think it was more my intention to blog until I was comfortable enough to start telling people in the real world that I am gay. My plan was to start dating, get a boyfriend and then a blog about coming out would become obsolete. Plus once you are in a relationship, blogging is the least of your priorities. I certainly never thought about a ten year mark. Looking back, there has been a huge positive shift in the way Canadians accept the LGBT community from as little as ten years ago. ....................................... Like other bloggers, I have wondered about ending my blog; however this is not a novel or movie script, life goes on and people should feel free to leave and come back when ever situations give them something to blog about or not blog about. Makes me wonder about ten years from now, things will be different for me, I will be in a different stage of life, makes me a little sad actually, a little frightened to be honest. Will I be alone, will I be sick, will I be here? Lol, will I still be looking back and blogging that it's been ten years again already and whining about "where did the time go". My message to future me.... Hi future Steven, I guess you really miss your hair now, I hope all our plumbing still works ;) lol. I hope we have figured something about life out by now, I hope we found love again, I hope we are happy at least.

Spinning Moral Compass.

I was listening to a radio program and it was talking about how we change as we get older. The guest was also saying that most people believe they have changed little since they were 25 years old, even if they were currently 60 years or more. One of the questions was about morality, I have no problem admitting that I was very judgmental when I was younger compared to now. I will also come clean and admit my sense of morality has really shifted, I am way more accepting of people's private lives and what they do, actually I think the word is "turned on" more by certain situations than I was years ago. There are a lot of things I would do now that I thought were "wrong" just a few years ago. What ever two to five consenting adults do in their bedroom, is none of my business (lol). Lately I wonder about my choices, I wonder what I would be like if there were no STDs, especially the kind that can kill you. Now don't panic, I will never do this, but I find the clips of strangers hooking up really exciting, in a raw straight to it male doing what nature intended him to do kind of way. Sometimes society forgets that men are the stallions of the human animal. If there was no danger in this behavior, I know as little as ten years ago, there would be no way I could do something like that, now however, I am not so sure. Maybe I would try it once to have the experience but it probably wouldn't be for me because I like to have some type of bond with the person I'm being intimate with but you never know. I think also maybe that is the point of sex with a stranger or strangers, there is no effort put into a bond, it's just raw sex, no thinking just doing. I don't see myself thinking this way a few years ago, I now don't see it as something bad, just something different from the usual "person meets person" and falls in love type of relationship. I also am not worried that I no longer find things like this wrong. Anyway, as I said, don't panic, this will only happen in the world of daydreams.

Ten? Really?

I see that my time blogging is soon going to reach the ten years mark, I can't believe that, it feels more like three or four years ago that I started. Realizing this decade timeline, I was in a bit of a panic, I was thinking not much has changed, that I am still at step one, that I may have even regressed. Suddenly the little voice in the back of my mind said, "aaaaah shut up and quit that f#&$ing whining! You have come a long way and are happier for it." True, maybe my life is not how I wanted it to turn out, maybe it will get better gay-wise, maybe it won't but at least I am longer obsessed with the fact that I must hide who I am. Comfortable is a word I would use about being gay, I still have my "why me" days but mostly that makes me tired, why me gets me nowhere. Just going over past posts and reading some of my thoughts from back then, reminds me of where my mind was, I feel, or actually I know I have changed a lot. I forget most days that I am gay, it will almost startle me when I remember during a conversation regarding relationships, almost a "oh yes, now I remember why there is no misses Steve and all the little Stevens". Turns out that a goal of mine was not to be seen as a walking sexuality, I worried in the past about people seeing me as a gay man, gay Steven and not just a man who also happens to be gay, now I don't worry about that, I don't think I would really care much what people would think anyway. I think I am at that point, I think we're all at that point, people mostly see us as who we are and not as a homosexual lol. These days I have become more obsessive about time running out and other middle age stuff, ten years, how did that happen. ...................................That little voice just said "oh f#$&ing barf! You just had to end on a sad moaning whining note like the f###ing drama queen you can be at times, if you were out having sex with a hot guy like I keep TELLING you to, there would be no time for collecting sympathy... bitch!" Yeah it does have an attitude problem but it's attitude from a place of love, I hope.

Someone else's time.

My time is not my own, my time is not my own. Lately I feel my time belongs to someone else. I never get to have a day to myself. Work demands my time, mom being ill demands my time, Murphy's law unexpectedly steals a lot of time, neighbours requiring help need my time and it just seems to happen over and over. Every time I take a day off I seem to end up using the day for some issue that comes up. I can't get caught up, there is never enough time.

Man Boobs

When I get out of the shower or am changing my shirt, I really don't like what I'm seeing. I developed a little pot belly and worse are man boobs. I'm too skinny for man boobs, I guess it's an age thing. I don't really have the time to exercise properly but I should be doing that, after all I have no intention of getting a bra. I notice some older joggers, even though they have a great body, when they start running they often have saggy, swaying man boobs. Just as upsetting is my one asset, minus the "et", a once cute little butt is going flat, like a car tire that has been punctured. No wonder a lot of older people drink.

Goodbye July That Never Was.

A few minutes left before midnight, sigh. Goodbye to the July that never was, I think you thought you were May or maybe the beginning of September, either way like a bad date you never really showed up. August is the last line of defense against fall, then ughhhhh, winter. Maybe I feel extra bothered because I'm entering the fall stage of my life. Sighhhhhhhh.

Oops, busted guys!

Today a group of my co-workers and I were talking about issues regarding transgender people because of the ban towards them no longer being allowed to serve in the military. Most of the all straight male attitudes were positive which is still unbelievable to me, but things are getting better. The focus changed to shared washrooms and wondering if there will be shared change rooms for everyone. Then the topic shifted, because one guy said a woman seeing them change is the same as when they showered with gay guys at the gym or back in their university days. Then it turned a little funny for me because the guys ranted a bit. Turns out all those tricks we do like taking longer in the shower, quick glances, positioning ourselves near mirrors etc, all to check out the goods, they are totally on to us! One man even said "come on guys, we know what you are doing". It was funny to hear the comments, they weren't angry, just really annoyed. This is why I don't tell anyone at work that I am gay. I am like Jane Goodall, gay man secretly sitting amongst the apes, or as we gays say "straight guys". I like that unfiltered opinion, I know it would change if I told them, I don't want them to feel they have to be edited with me. The thing I like the most is, their unfiltered opinion on LGBT issues, really makes me respect these guys. Now call a general gay meeting because our shower strategy needs updating, we have been totally made, the jig is up!

Time slips on.

How is it that yesterday was already July 21st, June 21st is a sad day here, it signals that the days will begin to get shorter, that feels like only a week ago, now it's a month already, summer is passing by. This week all the garden shops were closing up for another year, most of you people won't understand my dread, we only have another four to five weeks of summer left here and we actually haven't had summer weather yet. It has been unusually cool and has literally rained almost every day this summer, yuck so depressing. Better end this post here before it turns into August 21st.

When Sparks Don't Fly.

How often do we hear about the heart wants, what it wants. Just as powerful; however is the reverse, the heart refuses what it doesn't want and there is no use fighting it. Last week, a friend of mine wanted to meet for supper, I had to cancel and I think I ticked him off a bit. The thing that bothers me is, I think he may want to ask me out at some point. I have known him for almost ten years now and he is a really great guy, thoughtful, kind, has a lot of common sense, has a good job, travels, well rounded type of person. The trouble is that I feel absolutely nothing for him, zero. He is so far from any "type" of guy I like, I would need a map to find my way back. In fact what ever "it" is that attracts me to a guy, he has the antidote for "it". I always say I need to feel a "spark" for someone, if there is no spark when I meet someone, then there is nothing for me to work with and I also know it's not going to change. There is nothing worse for me personally than being in a relationship where I don't feel the connection. I worry that some day he may ask me, I am actually ready with the answer, the best answer, the truth. Simply that I have never felt the type of feelings towards him that creates a healthy relationship. I felt a lot of guilt in my very first relationship because I knew how uneven our views towards each other were, I promised myself never to do that again. So typical of me, to know a really great, single gay man who is looking for a partner and not have even the slightest bit of interest in him.

July First Eh!

Today is Canada day, I am not the type of person who runs out waiving the flag and partying like there is no tomorrow but I do like to take a moment and think about where I live. Especially in light of the way Canadian society generally sees gay people but that is only a part of my appreciation for living here. I know how lucky I am and I often think "whew" when I see things going on around the rest of the world. The trees here bleed maple syrup for Pete's sake, life can't get any sweeter than that! Yes that pun was intended, some people are thinking about changing our national anthem from Oh Canada to that pop song "If I were you, I would want to be me too" but that's just rubbing it in. ............................................ The old girl (Canada) is turning 150, so a baby actually compared to other countries. Yes we have our flaws but the difference is we are working to correct many of them. I am going to take part in some of the local smaller towns celebrations, less crowded and I will know people, I find that more enjoyable. Happy Canada Day.... eh!

Idle Lunch Conversations.

Today at lunch I witnessed something that happens a lot these days but it's something I never thought I would hear in my lifetime. I was sitting with a group of engineers and the usual, casual conversations were going on. Some were getting caught up on the latest news from their phones and making comments. One man remarked that Germany had voted to allow gay marriage. He said it in a matter of fact tone, not like twenty years ago where everyone would have started hyperventilating, and the none reaction spoke volumes to me. Even better was that the news was received by the rest with a "it's about time" type of attitude and they moved on to the next story coming up on their screens. Sometimes the smallest things are really the biggest, it gives me such a good feeling to see and hear positive attitudes towards gay people. A day that at one time, I could only dream about.

Upsetting thought.

I have an idea as to why I am having so many upsetting thoughts this last year, I just need to figure out how to stop them. I am having one right now, it's been coming all day. I tried to go to bed but I feel as if I'm drowning. I will write it out here, maybe when I see it written down, the effect will go away. It's a memory of what happened eight years ago (eight already, unbelievable). My car had to go in for minor repairs, and my sister came to stay with dad while I was away. I still had the apartment so I was going to stay overnight in the city and come back the next day. I figured it would be a long time before I would get another chance as dad was really sick by this point. I was ready to go and I walked in to tell dad that I was leaving; however he was sleeping and I decided not to wake him. He seemed to be more content when I was around so I figured not to upset him, he sometimes slept all day and may not realize I was gone until it was the next morning when I returned. I also didn't want to say goodbye, it became hard to say that word. I stood there for a few seconds watching him sleep, he seemed peaceful, those few seconds are haunting me now, that would be the last time I would ever see my dad alive again, he died the next day before I came home, that memory is the last time I saw dad.

Delayed Inside Joke.

This spring/summer season here has been anything but nice so far. At this moment I have the furnace running, I came home to a damp freezing house again, some days are like weather we usually get in May instead of almost July. Yesterday in the evening we had a little break, sunshine and decent temperature. Driving home, I couldn't help notice the very attractive men and women jogging and biking along the many paths this city has. Very healthy looking people, that fit nicely into their shorts and t-shirts. ............................................ This reminded me of something that happened years ago and it always makes me smile. I was driving with a female passenger and we were traveling along a beautiful parkway. It had a path along the Ottawa river and the sun was getting ready to set. It was warm like last night and we passed a very attractive male/female couple jogging along the river. My friend said something along the lines of, "wow nice body, easy on the eyes"! Inside I had a little self "hehehe" moment because I agreed, "oh yeah, nice body". She was probably thinking that I was talking about the woman jogging, and wouldn't know that I was actually agreeing with her on the male jogger. I used to love those inside jokes. Years later however, we would reveal our true sexuality to each other, yes she is actually gay and lives happily with her partner. Now when I think back to that evening, she was having her own private inside joke and probably just as tickled with herself as I was about me, an inside joke that would reveal itself many years later and often makes me smile to this day, ok yes... also while staring at hot joggers, that's something to smile about as well.

The Final Thank You Unsaid.

Today was father's day, I can imagine there were many ugly ties, shirts and socks given as gifts along with cards, maybe even breakfast in bed for some. We never really think about what it means until the time comes when one day you say "dad" and there is no longer anyone to answer. Sitting in my drawer is the last card I bought for my father, we knew he was going to die at the time I bought it but he had been strong those days leading up to that weekend. I was extremely annoyed trying to get him a decent father's day card, everything I read was either jokes about drinking beer, farting or golf which would not be suitable, or the complete opposite with mushy poetry and the I love you so much type of sentiment, also something that wouldn't really relate to my dad. I finally found one that was more meaningful, it was basically a thank you for steering me in the right direction type of card. I was happy with what I bought and felt good about giving it to him. However the day before father's day, my dad had a really hard day and into the night, that morning he was really weak, drifting in and out. My sister and I wanted to give him our cards and little gifts later that morning but the reality that we were about to lose him was heavy on us. Every time we tried to enter the room, we could not keep from crying, the words on our cards took on a new meaning, they were not just words of thank you, they were a final thank you. After many attempts, we decided to let dad rest. Two weeks later he died and the card not given sits there waiting. Sometimes I think that I will burn it on the ten year mark of his death, at other times I think I should read it to him by his graveside, sort of finally giving him the card, but that would be just torturing myself, plus I never feel he is there in any way. I will just say this, thanks Dad for everything and I miss you almost every day still.

Hole Eee Cow!

Today while grocery shopping, I saw the cutest guy I think on the entire planet, this guy was so cute, that he was achingly cute. I wonder what it must be like to be like that. Every time I turned a corner and got to see that incredibly handsome face, it felt like little jolts of electricity in my stomach. To add to his looks, he was also some sort of athlete on a team, oh man did that guy ever show his workout results, there were other guys there shopping with him, they also were easy to look at.... but this guy, it was an event to look at him, even better, he seemed like a nice guy, just from the way he joked with the others. He must have been only about nineteen or twenty, a whole lifetime ahead of him. Some where out there, some lucky woman or man, is going to someday, get to strip down with that body and touch it in ways that I can only dream of. Lol

Size Matters? Yup!

No, not what you people are thinking, you have a dirty mind, I really admire that in a person. I work in an industry that is mostly male dominated (lucky me), most of the positions require you to be an engineer or technician and no matter what the politically correct peanut gallery keeps shouting, most women for their own personal choice, are not interested. This leaves me with a lot of male coworkers. The Hollywood stereotype of a clumsy nerd with thick glasses being an engineer, is so far from reality, it's thankfully beyond belief. Many many of the guys are alpha male hot! Good looks, keep in shape, out going, funny, basically all around well rounded. ............................................. One thing I have noticed, especially with the younger men, is how tall many of the guys are, maybe it's genetics, maybe it's all the chemicals we lace our food with but there are giants at my work. I like a tall man, I wouldn't turn someone away for being shorter than me but if I am talking about attraction, I get that extra spark from a tall guy. I am only around 5.9 so being taller than me is not a great challenge. However I think there is such a thing for me as being too tall. I noticed on my "spark meter" when guys approach six feet, it begins to really beep, six one is so so hot for me, six two is off the charts. After six two, believe it or not, it begins to go back down. My ex was a little over six three, that was hot, I loved the feeling of his embrace and reaching up to kiss him. Some of the men at work are way above that, they must be six seven, I think that would be awkward, I don't feel that attracted to them. This post is just about preferences, not about reality, I am not that shallow (or stupid) that if some handsome man 6.7 or 5.6 for that matter, came up to me and asked me out, I would turn him down based solely on a measurement. No, as of now I would probably handcuff him before he changed his mind, if lucky enough, maybe he would like that sort of thing. Unfortunately when a person works in an all alpha male environment, they are only interested in females to mate with, so I window shop only. Man watching, one of my favorite hobbies.

Remember, it's about love.

Sometimes I completely forget that I'm gay and there are times when I say to myself, "oh that's right, I'm a little different from other guys". Other times I get so hung up over the politics of being gay, the actions of being gay, the pornography associated with being gay, that I forget what the real goal of being gay is. Lately I have been googling images of guys kissing, snuggling, holding hands, getting married and other every day normal things that couples do. Sometimes it just gives me a boost, a reminder to say, "you are off track, find someone to share your life moments with". I see couples and think, that is what I want. I remember now, it's not about bars, six packs or rainbows, it's about finding that special someone to cuddle with on the couch. It's about having someone to complete your circle, it's about love.

One Wrong Question.

I often say to my good friend and neighbour, that I think I have a mild form of something like PTSD. Not that I have done anything as serious as people in combat or first responders but I have damaged my inner self. When my dad first became ill, we thought it was just the flue or some type of virus. I had been laid off of work at the time so I came home to help run the farm. When we realized it was cancer, I stayed to take care of him. He was slowly starving to death and the hospital insisted on feeding him greasy, fatty foods absolutely laced with salt, salt, salt. Everything made his stomach sick so we felt it was better to bring him home where we could at least give him something he could eat. There comes a point where you lose every battle, every day, every minute and you watch someone who you once idolized, die in front of you. That changes something inside, you are never the same after. .............................................. After my dad died, I took on the role of looking after my mom who was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's disease. Again there comes a point where you are losing every battle, every day, every minute. I had to make some of the hardest decisions ever in my life. In some ways this is worse than losing someone, when a person dies, at least you have a starting date when you pick up the pieces and begin to live a different life without them. It's also hard to watch that person slip away, even harder to see them realize something is going terrible wrong and are in stress over the confusion. Again this changes a person, it damages something inside. I tell people I'm fine, I'm ok but not really, at least not all the time. Yesterday at work one question blew a hole in the wall that I put up. A guy I work with was asking about my mom and how she was doing. He was asking me about Alzheimer and its effects on her. The question was, "does she suffer from the confusion, it must be difficult for her, she must really suffer from it" I said that she really does, I see her struggle...... suddenly the full weight of what I just said hit me. Nobody wants to see someone they love more than anything in the world suffer. I began to tremble, my hands were shaking, I was trying to change my mind, my face was trying to screw up into cry mode. I apologized and headed for the door, I was in full on emotion overload. I held it together, jammed those feelings back down to where they belong and went back to work. I was really rattled, I didn't see it coming, just one wrong question and the floodgates nearly opened, I was shaking for a long time after. Really embarrassing for me as well to lose it at work, I also don't want to be that cliche of an emotional gay man. Now I know for sure, something has changed for me, I think I have taken on more than I could cope with and something is broken inside.

I hab a code, I'm sick. :(

I hab a code, my nobe is blocked, I feel zick, I started working in a different department last week and I think every second person there was coughing and sneezing. Now I have a cold, my instructor infected me with his plague. I am freezing, my chills give me visions of icebergs, polar bears and penguins, no wait, I'm not cold, I'm hot. I could start a fire by touching a stick of wood to my ear, I could boil water by placing the pot on my forehead, nope now I'm freezing again. I am awake at night, sweating, coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose so much that financial advisors are recommending people buy shares in companies that make tissues. I have turned into such a mucus factory, that I think I should be incorporated. I want soup and tea, I'm exhausted when I get home from work. I get excited when I can crawl back into bed and it's not for an exciting reason, I want to sleep.... for a week. On the plus side I'm able to sing Barry White songs because my voice dropped so low, I can legitimately get out of helping people on the weekend and I can drive off certain people with my shield of germ spray, but most importantly, one of my neighbours brought me supper tonight because I earned some sympathy. See you in the morning.

Stopping to smell the flowers.

Take the time to smell the flowers. One of those sayings about taking a moment to appreciate life. Friday evening when I got home from work, as I stepped out of my car, I was washed over by a wave of fresh warm spring air, the birds were singing the last songs to the setting sun and the peeper frogs were in full force. I tossed everything into the house and was determined to take a walk before it became too dark. Across from my house there is a large pond and I went for a stroll around it. Winter finally let go of its firm grip here and it was like getting an energy boost. Sometimes that's what we need to do, leave everything behind and just get lost in the moment. Walking around that pond not only fills the senses with sights, sounds and smells, it also takes me back to when I was a kid, doing the same thing, taking a walk around with one or another of our past dogs, plopping stones into the water, trying to find the little frogs that were making so much noise, using sticks for boats, sitting quiet to watch the ducks swimming. A momentary get away, then and now, having made my way completely around to my point of beginning, I am almost tempted to keep going around. Take some time, stop to smell the roses.

7.5

The world's population is roughly 7.5 billion people. Driving home from work, I was thinking how strange it is then, with all these people, that someone could feel so alone. There are thousands of people in the same boat, alone or feeling alone and yet they are surrounded by all these people, seems to be a fact that doesn't make sense.

CD Gremlins!

The CD gremlins were at it again, yes that's CD as in compact disc. I have a long drive to and from work so I like to have a couple of CDs with me to pass the time when the radio is boring. It also gives me a chance to pull out old favorites, dust them off and listen to tunes I had forgotten about. However the gremlins love playing with my CDs, I think it must be the shiny metal look or maybe it's a frisbee with a hole in the center for them. I grab a bunch of CD cases as I rush out the door, but little do I know the gremlins have been playing with these. When the news becomes repetitive, I select a CD and open the case, only to be disappointed because it's empty! I open another to find the same thing. Trying others, I discover that instead of an artist I was looking forward to listening to, the wrong disc has been placed inside and it's usually an artist I need a break from, in fact I may even make a face and mutter under my breath "what the heck were you thinking when you bought that one". Then I have that sense of dread when I realize that I probably will have to listen to..... top forty goop. It has to be gremlins, nobody else is around to touch my collection and I am very good at putting things away, or at least I was. When I leave the house in the morning, the giggling starts, cupboard and closet doors open, then out from their hiding spots the gremlins scurry, they run around the house enjoying their freedom. Some get in my snacks, which is why they are always missing and others put on music, jumping around like monkeys. Then the silliness really starts as they fling the discs at each other. Suddenly they hear my car back in the yard and they tidy up the evidence, just putting things back carelessly, resulting in my music dilemma. Could be I am getting sloppy in my old age, nah, gremlins makes more sense.

Circling Back.

One of the worst feelings is when an anxiety that you thought you had dealt with, makes its way back into your life. I have been thinking a lot lately about my journey, where I was, where I am and of course where I'm going. Extra thought has been coming to me (especially at night) lately with the posting of my fellow bloggers regarding the feeling of getting older and time slipping away. One of my anxieties about coming out later in life was the fact of missed time, missed relationships, a missed full gay life. That anxiety however was quickly quashed when I met and fell in love with Dan. It was wonderful in the beginning and many of my friends, straight and gay said that there was no point in worrying about what I missed because I was in a good place at the time, who knew where I would be otherwise. Some of my straight friends used themselves as examples, they had been married, had a job, maybe kids but ended up being unhappy. Now they were remarried to someone who was a better match, changed to a better career and maybe now had a better relationship with their kids. I agreed, I wasn't worried about a past that may not have been as good as my present. My goal was to move forward and enjoy the "now". Unfortunately life has a way of jumping out and saying boo! ............................................... Now that feeling is back, yes I know I shouldn't think about it but it's like trying to stuff a pile of garbage into a bag one size too small with a hole in the bottom, every time you jam something in, something else pops out and you can't keep the contents contained. Now there's that feeling of having to start all over again, that nothing was accomplished, it's almost like day one of my coming out again. ...........................................I tell myself others have had to start over, gay and straight, every relationship teaches me something so it's not a total loss. I can't cliche myself however, as far as living life goes, I feel I blew it, not entirely but in a major way. I'm not sure, this could just be a part of my personality, I do have a bad habit of always second guessing myself and always wanting the opposite of what I chose.

Pounding Annoyance.

Every person sooner or later has to deal with some sort of personal annoyance that affects their life. It could be an allergy, bad back or a reoccurring injury. One of my little annoyances is sinus migraines. I used to try and avoid taking medication but I heard something that I instantly knew to be true. A doctor was saying take something at the first sign of trouble to stop it in its tracks, otherwise you will end up taking a lot of medication to get rid of the pain. I find that true, I will take something if I feel one coming on, if I don't and it really takes hold, it can be two or three days of fighting it off. ............................................ Yesterday I could feel one coming on, they are usually worse for me in spring and fall, I assume it's the change over of the weather. The absolute worst ones are when warm moist days turn to an incoming cold front with that raw dry air. I had just finished dinner and was taking mom back to the seniors home, I forgot that I had pills with me but wasn't worried because it wouldn't be that long until I was back home. Unfortunately by the time I arrived my head was pounding, pounding, pounding. I have heard that the two most annoying things are a headache or a hurt back, I believe that because both can really put you off your day. It is so frustrating because I was back in good time and had many things I wanted to get done but my train of thought was so broken. The rest of my day was spent sitting in darkness, taking pills, not moving, saying frustrated words under my breath, such a waste of time. Light, movement, sound become my enemy and bending over causes head explosions. I sit there feeling thump, thump, thump, I joke with myself thinking it's so unfair to be this hung over and I never touched a drop. ................................... Someone said to me that not many men get migraine headaches, I don't know if that is true. I know people who get headaches much worse than I do. Mine can last for days, I have to act fast because it will make my stomach sick and then I get stuck in a cycle of my headache making me sick but I can't keep anything down to make it go away, and if I can't make it go away it keeps making me sick and on and on. Sometimes I get a warning a few hours before, it will be as if someone were to flick the lights on and off in a split second, that could happen out side in sunshine as well as indoors. I used to not say a word about that for fear people would think I was crazy, or maybe men in suits would show up and say I figured out we were living in the matrix and I would need to be relocated. Fortunately I learned that can be one of the signs a migraine is coming on. ...........................................Finally at 10:30 it begins to fade and shortly after I am starving, tea and warmed up pizza are my late night supper, I believe that is the traditional Easter Sunday supper. Such a waste of a good afternoon. Cry baby session over.