Wednesday, April 19, 2017
One of the worst feelings is when an anxiety that you thought you had dealt with, makes its way back into your life. I have been thinking a lot lately about my journey, where I was, where I am and of course where I'm going. Extra thought has been coming to me (especially at night) lately with the posting of my fellow bloggers regarding the feeling of getting older and time slipping away. One of my anxieties about coming out later in life was the fact of missed time, missed relationships, a missed full gay life. That anxiety however was quickly quashed when I met and fell in love with Dan. It was wonderful in the beginning and many of my friends, straight and gay said that there was no point in worrying about what I missed because I was in a good place at the time, who knew where I would be otherwise. Some of my straight friends used themselves as examples, they had been married, had a job, maybe kids but ended up being unhappy. Now they were remarried to someone who was a better match, changed to a better career and maybe now had a better relationship with their kids. I agreed, I wasn't worried about a past that may not have been as good as my present. My goal was to move forward and enjoy the "now". Unfortunately life has a way of jumping out and saying boo! ............................................... Now that feeling is back, yes I know I shouldn't think about it but it's like trying to stuff a pile of garbage into a bag one size too small with a hole in the bottom, every time you jam something in, something else pops out and you can't keep the contents contained. Now there's that feeling of having to start all over again, that nothing was accomplished, it's almost like day one of my coming out again. ...........................................I tell myself others have had to start over, gay and straight, every relationship teaches me something so it's not a total loss. I can't cliche myself however, as far as living life goes, I feel I blew it, not entirely but in a major way. I'm not sure, this could just be a part of my personality, I do have a bad habit of always second guessing myself and always wanting the opposite of what I chose.