Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Circling Back.

One of the worst feelings is when an anxiety that you thought you had dealt with, makes its way back into your life. I have been thinking a lot lately about my journey, where I was, where I am and of course where I'm going. Extra thought has been coming to me (especially at night) lately with the posting of my fellow bloggers regarding the feeling of getting older and time slipping away. One of my anxieties about coming out later in life was the fact of missed time, missed relationships, a missed full gay life. That anxiety however was quickly quashed when I met and fell in love with Dan. It was wonderful in the beginning and many of my friends, straight and gay said that there was no point in worrying about what I missed because I was in a good place at the time, who knew where I would be otherwise. Some of my straight friends used themselves as examples, they had been married, had a job, maybe kids but ended up being unhappy. Now they were remarried to someone who was a better match, changed to a better career and maybe now had a better relationship with their kids. I agreed, I wasn't worried about a past that may not have been as good as my present. My goal was to move forward and enjoy the "now". Unfortunately life has a way of jumping out and saying boo! ............................................... Now that feeling is back, yes I know I shouldn't think about it but it's like trying to stuff a pile of garbage into a bag one size too small with a hole in the bottom, every time you jam something in, something else pops out and you can't keep the contents contained. Now there's that feeling of having to start all over again, that nothing was accomplished, it's almost like day one of my coming out again. ...........................................I tell myself others have had to start over, gay and straight, every relationship teaches me something so it's not a total loss. I can't cliche myself however, as far as living life goes, I feel I blew it, not entirely but in a major way. I'm not sure, this could just be a part of my personality, I do have a bad habit of always second guessing myself and always wanting the opposite of what I chose.

15 comments:

Stephen said...

Sometimes it is hard not second guessing ourselves and wondering about all the what if's. Lord knows I've done it to myself more times than I can count. But I think the older I get I've come to a conclusion in my life. It is what it is, what is done cannot be changed. I give advise and wisdom learned, earned as you would say from having lived it to others asking questions. I always tell them don't waste a minute of life waiting to do the things your heart desires go for it don't have any regrets when it is all said and done. And, in doing so, it helps me not to concentrate on what I may have lost but on what I may still gain. I hope and pray you find the balance of the past and the incredible adventures of your future.

Anonymous said...

I just started reading your blog. I’m not sure how old you are but I’m guessing you’re at least forty. I don’t think you missed a full gay life. You still have a life and have plenty of time to do “gay” things. Sure, you missed a lot of gay pride parades, a lot of sex with men and relationships with men, but you also missed being called a fag when walking down the street, missing out on jobs and promotions because you were gay, being gay bashed after leaving a gay bar late at night, living through the early years of the aids crisis when gay men were dying at an alarming rate, watching your lover and most of your friends die, becoming HIV+ and taking any drug the pharmaceutical industry developed with the hope of living a little longer even though some of the drugs had horrible side effects. You didn’t blow it. You’ve had a different life than a person who comes out at an early age. You’ve probably had a great life. You just haven’t had many relationships with men. I guess I’m trying to convey that being gay for most of my life wasn’t a walk in the park. I’ve had a lot of battles and a lot of victories. I’ve had good times and bad times. I’m sure you’ve had good times and bad times too. Don’t focus on what you’ve missed, but instead, enjoy your life and all the adventures you create going forward. And hopefully, you will meet a great man along the way.

John Going Gently said...

Why beat yourself up for past deeds, mist deeds or no deeds?
The past is past....just make up for it in the present

Walter said...

Be kind to yourself. Everyone has a different path to take, and everyone's coming out story will be different. Don't compare yours to someone else's because your journey is exactly what makes you special and different. Otherwise, everyone's story would be the same, and that'd be quite boring. My last partner came out in his late forties. He was married for 23 years, had three grown kids when I met him, and was in the process of being divorced from his wife. Had his story not been like that, I would not have had the chance to learn from him about family, kids, and coming out late in life. Turns out, he was the one ready to commit and have a relationship. I was not! He now found the love of his life, is married to a man who adores him, and is living happily ever after. He trusted his journey...I didn't.

Anonymous said...

I just read your post and the comments by fellow bloggers. Their words they wrote are all very good and heartfelt. We all have our different journeys in life, and you cannot beat yourself up for the choices that you made. For all you know, the decisions in your life that you did make were indeed the right decisions. The other path could have been fraught with heartache of a different kind. As a teacher, I sometimes get to talk to kids about how we just never know the impact we have on others. Just the other day I was telling them about a boy who fell off of the Mayflower into the sea in a storm off the coast of Massachusetts. Somebody noticed him fall and he ran to grab a hook to throw to him. The boy managed to grab onto the ship hook and he was pulled to safety. The boy who fell into the water later married a girl on the boat and they had 12 children. Franklin D. Roosevelt can trace his lineage to this boy. The reason I tell them that story is for the obvious historic value, but more importantly, the guy who rescued the boy had an impact on the future history of the USA. And he would never know. I can tell from your posts that you are a really good person and I am certain that you've done a lot of good in your life. We don't always know the impact of what we do, nor do we always know if the decisions we make are the right ones. We just have to have some sort of blind faith. Be kind to yourself and try to live in the moment. I know it is easier said than done, and I am no one to give advice given the mess that my life has been the last 10 years. Take care....Michael

Anonymous said...

You can't escape you're thoughts (especially at night when for some reason everything always seems worse than they actually are) but you can "manage" what thoughts you have. Shut the negative ones down if you can, block them before you dwell on them. Actually try to visualise pulling a metal shutter down to block them out.
It works (most of the time) for me.
JP

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Stephen, you are right, I was thinking today there is absolutely no point in lamenting the past, it doesn't accomplish anything.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

RJ, (that's my nickname for you lol) honestly I felt better after reading your comment. It snapped me into the reality that just because I came out earlier, doesn't mean I would have lived happily ever after, thank you.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

John, you are right, I guess I was having a poor me moment. I really need to stop doing that.
Say do you still have Boris the turkey?

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Wait a minute, Walter are you trying to make me happier or trying to make me sad with your lost love comment? I'm just giving you a hard time lol, I understand what you are telling me. I have to keep remembering, life is a journey, not a destination.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Michael, that's a great story, it does remind people to watch for the bigger picture, thank you for sharing it. I think you are going through a life renovation and renovations are always messy, so give yourself some slack as well!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

JP, I will try that, I also try to use visualization to work my way through issues, so we're on the same page with that technique. It would also probably be helpful if I had a cute hubby next to me as well.

Ur-spo said...

Think of Mr. Anxiety as a good servant, He is around to keep us informed and report on the news. We stay on our toes and don't lose sight of vision. He is a good servant but a lousy Master.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Michael, interesting take on anxiety, but then you would know more about it than the average Joe I suspect.

Anonymous said...

Being a romantic,doesn't mean sunny days should mean more than rainy days.