Thursday, June 29, 2017

Upsetting thought.

I have an idea as to why I am having so many upsetting thoughts this last year, I just need to figure out how to stop them. I am having one right now, it's been coming all day. I tried to go to bed but I feel as if I'm drowning. I will write it out here, maybe when I see it written down, the effect will go away. It's a memory of what happened eight years ago (eight already, unbelievable). My car had to go in for minor repairs, and my sister came to stay with dad while I was away. I still had the apartment so I was going to stay overnight in the city and come back the next day. I figured it would be a long time before I would get another chance as dad was really sick by this point. I was ready to go and I walked in to tell dad that I was leaving; however he was sleeping and I decided not to wake him. He seemed to be more content when I was around so I figured not to upset him, he sometimes slept all day and may not realize I was gone until it was the next morning when I returned. I also didn't want to say goodbye, it became hard to say that word. I stood there for a few seconds watching him sleep, he seemed peaceful, those few seconds are haunting me now, that would be the last time I would ever see my dad alive again, he died the next day before I came home, that memory is the last time I saw dad.


Anonymous said...

Try to turn those thoughts around. Think of your kind intentions and how peaceful your Dad was that last time. In the UK there's an organisation called Cruse. It offers help with bereavement (no matter how long ago it was). I think you're in Canada. There may be something similar.

Anonymous said...

I was sitting in the room with my mother on her last day. I was texting with a friend when she died. I didn't know she had died until my brother walked into the room and said she wasn't breathing. For some odd reason I've never felt bad about not being by her side. Perhaps it's because we didn't have the best relationship.

You can't change what happened. Just know your father is in a better place.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Thanks for the suggestion JP, but it's not about bereavement, it's something else. I miss dad but you learn to live with loss. I know what is affecting me, I will probably blog about it one day.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Rjjs, well at least you know for sure your mother died peacefully. Plus I don't think you should feel bad, you were there. The post wasn't me being upset because I wasn't there, it was the last memory of him.... being the last memory of him... clear as mud? Anyway I slept like a baby after I posted, so that worked.

larrymuffin said...

When we were kids some 50 yrs ago, the nuns use to tell us that Death comes when you least expect it and we should be ready for it. Of course as kids that meant nothing to us, what was death? Something that happened to old people we could not understand.
My father died suddenly, no warning whatsoever. I got a call from my sister to tell me that he had died and she had been informed by the hospital in Montreal ER dept. So my memory of him is the person I knew. There was no last meeting or conversation.
Life is funny that way.

Anonymous said...

My father died suddenly. I was living a good 12-hour ride away, so my memories of him are ones in which he was living and healthy.
I had no last memory of him, just the last memory of when I saw him when I had gone home over the summer. Life is unpredictable.