Ten? Really?

I see that my time blogging is soon going to reach the ten years mark, I can't believe that, it feels more like three or four years ago that I started. Realizing this decade timeline, I was in a bit of a panic, I was thinking not much has changed, that I am still at step one, that I may have even regressed. Suddenly the little voice in the back of my mind said, "aaaaah shut up and quit that f#&$ing whining! You have come a long way and are happier for it." True, maybe my life is not how I wanted it to turn out, maybe it will get better gay-wise, maybe it won't but at least I am longer obsessed with the fact that I must hide who I am. Comfortable is a word I would use about being gay, I still have my "why me" days but mostly that makes me tired, why me gets me nowhere. Just going over past posts and reading some of my thoughts from back then, reminds me of where my mind was, I feel, or actually I know I have changed a lot. I forget most days that I am gay, it will almost startle me when I remember during a conversation regarding relationships, almost a "oh yes, now I remember why there is no misses Steve and all the little Stevens". Turns out that a goal of mine was not to be seen as a walking sexuality, I worried in the past about people seeing me as a gay man, gay Steven and not just a man who also happens to be gay, now I don't worry about that, I don't think I would really care much what people would think anyway. I think I am at that point, I think we're all at that point, people mostly see us as who we are and not as a homosexual lol. These days I have become more obsessive about time running out and other middle age stuff, ten years, how did that happen. ...................................That little voice just said "oh f#$&ing barf! You just had to end on a sad moaning whining note like the f###ing drama queen you can be at times, if you were out having sex with a hot guy like I keep TELLING you to, there would be no time for collecting sympathy... bitch!" Yeah it does have an attitude problem but it's attitude from a place of love, I hope.