Thursday, October 19, 2017
The wrong team.
What I am about to say here may offend some but that certainly isn't my intention. This gay thing...... just feels wrong to me. I don't mean being gay is wrong or bad, just for me it doesn't fit. It's like back in school when you were put on a team but all your friends have coincidentally been placed on the other team. I'm the square peg being hammered into the round hole. I just always wanted to be a husband and a dad, have my little house and live happily ever after. It just makes me really sad, this is what I have been given so I have to make the best of it. I was watching a story about a young gay hockey player, about how he came out, the reporter asked how he feels now, he said that he is much happier and then he had this cute grin and a spark in his eyes and said "I like being gay". I guess being a young gay hockey player would give you a lot of good experiences but that statement gave me a chill. At that moment I realized that I hate being gay, I know this may startle you guys but no point in lying, most of you seem to be thinkers so I am just being honest. I don't like being gay, I make due with being gay. Everything about it just makes me feel like I am going against the grain, there is still this hidden stress over it, not like it used to be but it's still there. I sometimes feel that it will cause me to die young. Sorry everyone, I just needed to say it.
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11 comments:
Not being a " fit" may mean more about you than it does about the gay you.
Seriously have you considered some counselling?
Having a forum that is safe to explore this may be useful to you
Well. I don't really have any advice, but what make you think you are gay in the first place? Not to pry, but have you had sexual relations with men?If so how did you feel? And when you self pleasure do you fantasize of men or woman? You could be bi. Some argue about bi, but I have a male friend who is equally attracted to men as he is ladies. And I really do believe he is bi, and not using it as an excuse like some use it not to use the Gay Label. I knew very strongly I was gay by 11 or 12, and before that even knew I was different. But to me gay is normal.
Of course you could be a degree of gay. You can still be a husband and father with kids the house and the life you want. Just need to find the right guy.
I have thought about counseling. Maybe because I am the type to think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, could be part of the problem. Life just seems easier for my straight friends.
Steven, no I'm not confused, I am gay, I have known since a young age as well. I have no attraction to women at all. I have had two relationships with men and an FWB. I don't really know what to say, I don't think being gay is bad, I just wish I wasn't. Maybe you're right, maybe I just need to find the right guy, love tends to wipe away negative thoughts.
Good for you!
One of the taboos in the gay community is admitting ambivalence or (worse!) dissatisfaction with one's homosexuality. We are all supposed to love it; admitting anything less makes the Right pounce with their 'see! see!" convictions all gay people are really like that after all. So please don't let anyone gay or straight put you into a box.
After all we are mostly left alone when we admit disappointment in our height or eye colour or size of our breasts etc.
I’m sorry you feel like that - regardless of sexuality - that you are against the grain, as you say. I’ve never felt like that myself. I’ve always felt that everybody else was against the grain. I have a habit of turning things around like that. I’m no shrink but I suppose I got done with negativity. That I wasn’t good enough. I’m lucky, I met a guy who appreciates the fact that I kick arse.
No need for apologies. This is your blog and you have a right to post and say what ever you want. I totally and completely understand your words. I frequently wish that my life would be different too. The white picket fence thing has its allure, but I went that route, and it is not all it is cracked up to be. It is hard to be different, and to wonder what it would be like to be "just like everyone else." But the truth of the matter is that we all are different in our own ways. Kudos to you for your post.
Dr. Spo..... whew!!! I really needed to hear that, I wasn't sure what you would say if you commented but I had to get it off my chest. Thank you.
JP, I almost always feel like that, I can't shake it.
Michael 54, thanks for your comment, I wasn't sure how people would react to this post, I was a little worried to be honest. I appreciate the support.
Cheer up, we all love you. Have you ever heard the song, "Little girl blue"? We all get blue.
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