Friday, July 11, 2008

Slightly Dented

Since Dave is on holidays at the moment we have more opportunity to be together. However I did not feel welcomed to go over and visit, so I stayed away until Tuesday. It was awkward being around him again, he seemed more his normal self than the cold way he had been acting these past few days. I kept waiting for him to apologize for his behaviour, he never did. Later that evening I figure we needed to have the 'talk', I told him everything, the way I felt, how his behaviour startled me, how he seemed like a totally different person, how I wondered what he will do in a major crisis. He seemed almost surprised, he had been so wrapped up (still) in his problem, (and it is a minor problem) that he had not noticed anything wrong between us. He said he thought later it was probably wrong of him to act that way, he said that he is not trying to make excuses but the red tape (red tape he caused by not following rules) he was put through made him snap. We talked in circles about it until he said he was done talking about it, I pointed out that he never once apologized, he fell silent and was a bit red in the face. It would have been better if he was angry with me for no reason, what hurt the most was that he was indifferent to me, he could have cared less for days if I was around or not, please no one try to sugar coat this, he even admitted this in our conversation.

I can't help also feel that I would not be able to rely on him in a time of crisis, he shows no diplomacy, from what he has told me, he is the type of person that goes into a store and starts to yell and swear at the manager. That to me is the dumbest thing a person can do, no one is going to help you if you are acting like an idiot, what is the point of trying to scream that you are right if you never get the results you want. Dave did say that he is never violent towards another person physically, he said it is not in his nature and has never hit someone in his life, he felt awful when I said I was uncomfortable during the tantrum. He promised to try and be more careful in how he relates to me when he is upset about something. He asked if that was why I had not come over the last few days, he was embarrassed when I said I did not feel welcomed anymore.

To be fair to people who read this blog, there has been another problem that keeps coming up between us as well, I thought we could work through it but he just shuts down when ever I try to talk to him about it. That is the reason I was so panicked over this issue, past behaviour shows he is not willing to deal with any major problem so I want people to understand this is not the first problem to come up and I suddenly fell to pieces and could not deal with it. For now we have placed our cards on the table, it is pretty much back to the way it was before. He asked me the next day "are we good" I told him we are okay but that the relationship was slightly damaged over this I felt. I then told him about the email, he just laughed, I asked him since we already discussed the issue to delete it, I said however if he does read it and is hurt by it... then tough!

"Beginning of the end", when I wrote that post I did not mean it was the beginning of the end of our relationship, I am not that dramatic to suddenly call it quits, sorry to have startled people. What I meant was if there should be an ending, I foresee how it could happen... I see the path that may lead us there and no matter what I do to stay off of it, 'he' may force me onto that path. If every time there is a problem, he shuts me out and there is no working through it, there is no way a relationship can keep going on like that before it falls apart, if a relationship becomes constant 'work' there is a problem, to me my partner should be someone I go to in time of crisis... not become the cause of it.


Jess said...

You're right that your partner should be a source of strength in a time of crisis. I don't know where you'll wind up, of course, but what you've shared doesn't sound very hopeful. Still, if you're talking, there's hope.

I don't know what will be best for you, but I certainly hope that's where things wind up!

TWISI said...

I thnk you are learning a great lesson in all of this and that is how your partner deals with life situations.

You now know. And he now knows how you feel.

As time goes on he will either work on his coping skills or you will probably move on, the ball really is in his court.

Whatever happens, I hope you are happy, you have so much maturity in this relationship it is admirable.

Birdie said...

You have a clear head in all of this turmoil, and I don't have anything to add to what you've already said. You seem to know exactly where you're going with this. So let me just say "good luck and keep talking" to both of you as you work through it.

danny/ink2metal said...

hey steven,

you have such a great grasp of what's happening in your relationship. i know it's always hard to be the strong one, the rational one, the one that holds it together, and to have it taken for granted during the tough times.

just know that you shouldn't let dave's behaviour change you and the way you deal with the tough times but also know that dave will only change if he wants to, and i hope he does, so don't take it upon yourself to try and change him.

dave i'm sure is a great guy despite this shortcoming who will be smart enough to try to improve the way he works through stress for his own sake and for the sake of your relationship.

anyway, thanks for sharing this situation. it can't be easy to unmask the not-so-cutsey parts of being in a relationship. i know i have a hard time revealing the issues that i deal with in my own relationship. so the honesty is refreshing and appreciated.

Vic Mansfield said...

To be "dis-illusioned" is to have our illusions crushed. But maybe they need to be. After all, they are "illusions," and not the real thing.

Keep working at it. Be your calm, strong self. You two can make it, if that is what you want and what is best.

Java said...

Good luck, hon.

Anonymous said...

That VERY LAST sentence speaks volumes. Your level-headedness, along with your character, will get you far. (((((Steven)))))