Thursday, July 3, 2008

Beginning Of The End.

We do have our off moments, Dave and I that is, every couple I am sure has them. Although we have never had an argument, we have had disagreements but only minor ones however. Mostly out of respect for Dave I have not mentioned our downs, but that would not be totally honest, it was great at the beginning and I often worried he had hidden problems, I kept thinking why is this great man single. Our strife comes not in fights but more during times when Dave pushes me away, it seems to be getting more and more often these days and it is usually triggered by something else going on in his life.
Tonight however I saw a side of him that I was not aware of. It had nothing to do with me, it was over a project of his that went wrong for him. He became uncontrollably angry, he is a large man and I actually became afraid of him at one point, I don't think anyone should ever have to be afraid, truly afraid of the one you are suppose to love. I tried to calm him down but he did not hear me, or more like 'would' not hear me. I felt as if I had done something wrong, it was like being a child again and my father was absolutely livid with me. The rest of the evening he shut me out, I did not exist, I was not there for him. I don't understand this kind of attitude, I think it immature and no matter how awful my day was going, I would not treat someone that I loved so badly. I felt sick inside and also was walking on egg shells, finally I thought to myself, I will not allow him to treat me like this any longer, his cold stares towards me or blank looks towards the wall were too much drama for me to handle so I left. Dave lives far from me, so my leaving shortly after just getting there will send a message. I just could not see staying and being made to feel as if 'I' had done something terrible to him. I can't talk to him when he is like this, he only shuts down but the thing that made me take a step back was the degree to which he became angry, I guess he had been keeping that secret from me. I know this is not a one time thing because I at one time did not understand what his brother-in-law meant when he asked me "have you seen his temper yet?" I wonder what will happen if he should become angry with me at some point later on in our relationship. The odd evenings of shutting me out have been building over the last few weeks, I would ask myself, 'did I do something wrong', 'is he losing interest in me', 'why did he ask me over just to ignore me'. My insides are torn because as much as I love this guy, I feel I may have caught a glimpse of the beginning of the end for us.

8 comments:

Jess said...

I certainly can't know what's going on in a way that would let me make a guess as to what should happen--I'm not there, and, besides, only you can make that judgment. With that said, you need to take care of yourself. You're absolutely right that you should never be in fear.

If you think he may be able to do better and the relationship may be able to survive this and flourish, then see if he's willing to go to couples counseling. Whatever the circumstances, if you felt unsafe, something has to change. Also, he can't let his frustrations and anger get so bad that he tramples you in the process.

I'm sorry to see this happening. It happens in lots of relationships, but it's never a good thing. If you can't salvage the relationship, at least hang on to the good memories and move forward. *hug*

Bill said...

It is difficult not to step in when a loved one is having a hard time, and instead do and say nothing. Often, though, that is the best course of action.

Removing yourself from the situation was wise. You should always feel safe. Take your leave as a way of giving him time to work things out, not in a punitive sense, but as a way of removing additional stress from him and detaching yourself from problems that you cannot solve.

Every relaionship has rocky moments, and only you can determine which ones are insurmountable.

You are both good men. I think things will work out just fine. If he has trouble handling stress and set-backs, there are ways he can learn to cope better. Just tell him calmly how you feel when he is able to listen. Keep your eyes and ears open. Relationships require work to stay healthy, and you have the heart to do it if he does, too.

Birdie said...

What Bill and Jess said: good advice. You did the right thing in removing yourself as a tangent target of his anger. He needs anger management training, and you have the right to ask him to go (with you, if necessary). As a partner in a 36-year relationship, I can tell you to expect ups and downs. Each of you will have them. When you both are down at the same time, it will be very difficult. That's when you do what's right for the relationship, even when you might not want to do it for your partner. Love is doing what is right regardless of how you feel.

When both of you are on the upswing—as you have been experiencing—it can hardly be better. Those moments come around again, too, with hard work. Keep at it for as long as you both can get your needs met.

Lewis said...

Being a relatively new reader of your site, I can't understand the past. But I do know that I always try and recommend to never make life-changing decisions when one is either emotionally up or down. Wait until the ground is level, the playing field flat. Today, without knowing what else to say, I send you peace and safety and happiness...in some sort of way that fits for you. Hugs.

Kris said...

Sorry to have read that this happened. Like the others said, it's a good thing that you left his place instead and just called it a night.

Sadly, I'm kinda like Dave that when I get stressed out, I sorta go in a shut down and not talk to Carlos. He's told me how bad he felt when that happens since it feels like he's done something wrong, but I have to reassure him that it's not because of something that he did or did not do. I know that doesn't excuse the behavior but even I can't explain when that happens sometimes. It's as if I go within myself where no one could reach. Even when I was younger, my family knows it's something I'm prone to do, and just leave me alone after which, I go back to normal as if nothing happened. I really never thought that it would hurt others when I do that, but it did. When things are bothering me, it's hard to actually talk it out with the bf since it feels like I'm just gonna be bothering him when I do. And with me and Carlos, living together, it makes it even harder at times when I go in a 'shut down' mode...

If you could please, maybe you can let him know that it hurts you when he does that. It might take a while for him to actually "hear" what you'd have to say but I think, Dave really cares and loves you and would try to be a better person for you if he could. Or perhaps even a letter. My initial reaction when Carlos spoke to me about it was that he's free, and that he doesn't have to deal with and can just go. Did he go? Actually he didn't, and told me that it's because he knows that I can do better, and it's not the me that he knew and loved.

I know it's different for everybody
but I do hope things get worked out between you and Dave. Relationships are hard work, I realized after being in this for the first time but at the same, it's good ya know!? Wishing you the best whatever happens :)

Matt said...

I'm sorry to hear this. I agree with the other commenters - it's best to remove yourself from the situation when it's destructive. Hopefully - on a level playing field, as Lewis said - you can let him know how his actions are affecting you. This isn't necessarily the beginning of the end ... hopefully he agrees and can recognize this.

Big hug.

Anonymous said...

I agree wiuth those commenters who have gone before me and I am glad to see that you have removed yourself from the situation. You deserve much more respect!

Robert said...

Beginning Of The End? I hope it's not as serious as it sound. As we know, we all have our not-so-pretty side to us all, but if you two want this to work, talk it out, listen to each other, never losing respect for one another, and give it some time... If it's meant to be, it'll work out in the end... it'll be all worthwhile.

Good luck Steven!! I'm wishing you the very best! xoxo