Friday, September 12, 2008

Not What I Wanted

I think I should of made myself clear the other day when I wrote about Dave and the things he can do to bug me or tease me. I certainly did not set out to make him look like a bully. I sometimes receive emails asking if he is really that sweet, and actually yes he is. I just felt besides the main issue I have spoken about, I wanted to say we do have some little annoyances like all couples but honestly we get along really well. We have been together now for seven months on Wednesday. He is very affectionate with me all the time, he is also very thoughtful and that is how I know he really loves me, not just by his words, but by his actions. I can't list all the small and big things he does every day for me, but when I am around him, I am always taken care of in a way that only someone who really loves you will do. There are always little notes, favourite foods or surprises involving something that he heard me mention at one time, that I liked. He is a very kind hearted, gentle, warm man and I am very lucky to has met him. I love him so much and would never want to hurt him. That is why the conversation that we finally had last night, completely broke my heart.

I asked again about him not wanting to be with me intimately, he explained again that he never really had a desire to be intimate with anyone, he said it was part of the reason he was not really aware he is gay until much later in life. He said he finds men attractive but has almost no desire to go beyond hugging or kissing, it is the way he has always been. He said he does not understand it, he has looked into it and is healthy but has no answers. He said he often feels like a failure as a man, like he is broken, I told him not to feel that way as that is just who he is. I guess some men want it everyday and some think a few times a year is fine. I told him he should have been more clear in what he was saying to me, he often said that he was just as happy to cuddle together, I took that as him meaning he was romantic, not as that is what he prefers to nothing else. He said he tried with me, he was hoping things would be different but they turned out the same and he said he just can't fake wanting something that he doesn't want.

Sobbing like crazy by now, I told him that part of me coming out and accepting myself was to enter into a relationship with another man and being able to also enjoy sex, it is not everything to me but it is a healthy part of a relationship. He used to tell me when we first met as friends, to figure out what I want in a relationship and go from there. I told him that to me, if we take it just one day at a time I can do this for a while but it weighs heavy on my mind when I think of being in a relationship where I never get to have that part of intimacy. He then said in a very understanding tone, "this is not what you wanted" and I said no. He then asked "where does that leave us, where do we go from here". I told him that I never met anyone like him, that I love him deeply and that I never want to hurt him but we are looking for different things and I don't think I can continue in this relationship. I told him that I often think of breaking up. He said we have talked about this before but did not know how strong I felt about this, he then asked how long I felt this way and I said since the beginning of summer. I told him that is when I noticed how he never wanted to be 'with' me and that sometimes now I feel like we are just good friends.

He was very understanding and that is the hard part, if there was a problem where he was being an ass, then it would be easier to leave. He said he had hoped it would work out between us, he had figured he probably would be single for the rest of his life and had accepted that until I came along. I guess somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was losing me and it hurt to see him struggle to try and keep me happy in the only ways he knew how. He asked if he will see me this weekend and I said no. I know he will try to save this relationship but I don't want to 'make' him have sex just not to lose me, that is almost like blackmail and I would feel it was wrong. Plus how intimate could it be if he is thinking about us breaking up every time we are 'together'. We can try to work this out but one of the reasons I just can't seem to stop crying is because we all know what I should really do. As I left this morning he gave me a goodbye hug, a little extra longer than usual and whispered "I love you so much, goodbye".


Vic Mansfield said...

This must be very difficult. I applaud you both for facing tough things and bringing them into the open, talking about it. Healing best happens when we know what the wounds are.

Cry. Live with the wounds. Way may open yet.

Charlie said...

Oh my god, my heart started beating as I read your post; this is such a heart warming post and I am so proud that you have been mature enough to talk the issue out. My relationship fell foul after Chipstar could not show emotion when we were apart and it left a gaping hole in what was otherwise fabulous. I certainly do have regrets but we all move on. I hope things work out ok for you.

Birdie said...

As we all negotiate our limits in relationships, we learn what are "deal breakers." You are wise to know yours and to be faithful to yourself in that regard. I've often told my children that love is not enough. It is necessary, of course, but relationships are so complex that you must enter them knowing what is important to you. The best to both of you as you work this out, sweetie.

Greg said...

Hugs, Steven. That was a very difficult conversation the two of you had, I have no doubt...and kudos to you both for being brave enough to have it and face what it means...and hopefully, to still have your friendship after all.

I'm truly sorry for your heartbreak. There's too much of it in the world. Remember, the most important relationship you can have, though, is with yourself. Don't judge yourself based on whether you have a man to complete you...but know that someday, the man will come along who complements the Complete You.

Strength, courage and hugs.

Java said...

Oh, Steven. You are a brave, strong man. Stay true to yourself, indeed. Good luck, dear.

Anonymous said...

"...he then asked how long I felt this way and I said since the beginning of summer." That had to have been an eye-opener for him when you said that, which in turn probably made him feel guilty that you had been feeling that way for so long. I'm glad that you were eventually able to garner that courage and address the issue. I think you are making the right decision and remember that you are "young" when it comes to having a gay relationship. Many opportunities await you for the one who will best fit your wants, needs, and desires. But remember not to sacrifice your life waiting for "Mr. Right." {{{{{{{Steven}}}}}}}

A Troll At Sea said...


That one really broke my heart. You are both brave and good.

We have never had those conversations here, though I recently had to speak on a topic I felt really strongly about that played to the Goat's insecurity, and it was so hard to make him see that I was not trying to hurt him... Quite the minefield.

Hang in there, Steve. As someone used to tell me all the time: you deserve to be happy.


Matt said...

Steven, I'm so sorry ... but you're doing the right thing in having this conversation. No matter how painful it was, and how painful everything now is, you're handling things the best you can. Big hug.

daveincleveland said...

my friend my thoughts are with you and david as you try and work this out...i know how hurt you are right now and how hurt david is..i wish i could find the right words to say but just know that you will need time to cry,and heal, and perhaps you 2 can work things out..hugs from cleveland

Patrick said...

Oh Steven, I am sorry. Yes, having had ugly break-ups, and one where there was real love but different needs, I agree that the latter was much harder. For what it's worth, he and I are still good friends, but that probably isn't your concern right now. Birdie puts it well, knowing what our 'deal-breakers' are is important. Maybe especially for those of us who have experience living in the closet, it can be far too easy to accept a life and routine that is constricting, limiting, or just a poor fit, because that feels normal to us. Not that things are ever perfect, or easy, of course; we all learn to compromise and negotiate. But it's also important to know what our limits are, what things cannot be compromised.
Take care of yourself, whatever that means for you in the moment.

Steve said...

I am sorry to hear this. Take care. I really hope that you intend to stay good friends and manage to do so.