I think I should of made myself clear the other day when I wrote about Dave and the things he can do to bug me or tease me. I certainly did not set out to make him look like a bully. I sometimes receive emails asking if he is really that sweet, and actually yes he is. I just felt besides the main issue I have spoken about, I wanted to say we do have some little annoyances like all couples but honestly we get along really well. We have been together now for seven months on Wednesday. He is very affectionate with me all the time, he is also very thoughtful and that is how I know he really loves me, not just by his words, but by his actions. I can't list all the small and big things he does every day for me, but when I am around him, I am always taken care of in a way that only someone who really loves you will do. There are always little notes, favourite foods or surprises involving something that he heard me mention at one time, that I liked. He is a very kind hearted, gentle, warm man and I am very lucky to has met him. I love him so much and would never want to hurt him. That is why the conversation that we finally had last night, completely broke my heart.
I asked again about him not wanting to be with me intimately, he explained again that he never really had a desire to be intimate with anyone, he said it was part of the reason he was not really aware he is gay until much later in life. He said he finds men attractive but has almost no desire to go beyond hugging or kissing, it is the way he has always been. He said he does not understand it, he has looked into it and is healthy but has no answers. He said he often feels like a failure as a man, like he is broken, I told him not to feel that way as that is just who he is. I guess some men want it everyday and some think a few times a year is fine. I told him he should have been more clear in what he was saying to me, he often said that he was just as happy to cuddle together, I took that as him meaning he was romantic, not as that is what he prefers to nothing else. He said he tried with me, he was hoping things would be different but they turned out the same and he said he just can't fake wanting something that he doesn't want.
Sobbing like crazy by now, I told him that part of me coming out and accepting myself was to enter into a relationship with another man and being able to also enjoy sex, it is not everything to me but it is a healthy part of a relationship. He used to tell me when we first met as friends, to figure out what I want in a relationship and go from there. I told him that to me, if we take it just one day at a time I can do this for a while but it weighs heavy on my mind when I think of being in a relationship where I never get to have that part of intimacy. He then said in a very understanding tone, "this is not what you wanted" and I said no. He then asked "where does that leave us, where do we go from here". I told him that I never met anyone like him, that I love him deeply and that I never want to hurt him but we are looking for different things and I don't think I can continue in this relationship. I told him that I often think of breaking up. He said we have talked about this before but did not know how strong I felt about this, he then asked how long I felt this way and I said since the beginning of summer. I told him that is when I noticed how he never wanted to be 'with' me and that sometimes now I feel like we are just good friends.
He was very understanding and that is the hard part, if there was a problem where he was being an ass, then it would be easier to leave. He said he had hoped it would work out between us, he had figured he probably would be single for the rest of his life and had accepted that until I came along. I guess somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was losing me and it hurt to see him struggle to try and keep me happy in the only ways he knew how. He asked if he will see me this weekend and I said no. I know he will try to save this relationship but I don't want to 'make' him have sex just not to lose me, that is almost like blackmail and I would feel it was wrong. Plus how intimate could it be if he is thinking about us breaking up every time we are 'together'. We can try to work this out but one of the reasons I just can't seem to stop crying is because we all know what I should really do. As I left this morning he gave me a goodbye hug, a little extra longer than usual and whispered "I love you so much, goodbye".