After the 'talk' with Dave, I was not in a good place. I felt it was probably over for us and there was the feeling of losing someone close, similar to a death almost. Friday I spent crying over every memory that entered my head like a school girl, by the end of the day my eyes and nose were sore and I had given myself a wicked headache. The little voice in the back of my mind kept saying "so this is what a broken heart feels like." Friday evening Dave called to check up on me, he said that he thought all day about 'us' and asked if we could discuss this further over the weekend some time. I could not really talk that night so I agreed to meet some time Saturday or Sunday. It was raining Saturday and Dave again called in the after noon and asked me to come over so I did.
When I got there, we at first of course did the usual small talk but I figured no sense in beating around the bush so I asked what he thought about. He said that he just wants to see me happy, that was the most important thing for him and if that means I have to move on and find someone else to make me happy then he would understand. He said he just wants what is best for me. He also then went on to say that he thought we could work this out however, that he had often wondered about whether he should be more sexual with me and that he did not really grasp how important that part of our relationship was to me. He then cried a little and told me that he knew he loved me but did not realize how much until on Friday he thought he might lose me.
I told him it is very simple if he wants us to be together, I said we have to be more than buddies and that I want to be intimate with him. I told him that everything else about him was perfect, that I was happy with him on all other accounts, I also told him I know he loves me, I feel it from him all the time. I said it is not like I am asking him for something out of this world, that it has nothing to do with actual 'sex', it is that I need him, I need to be 'with' him. I want the connection, I told him that it is too hard having the guy I love most in the world lying next to me and not being able to touch him. I then said I am not going to apologize or feel guilty for being sexually attracted to my boyfriend, it is what is suppose to happen. I made it clear to him that I understand he has issues about sex and not to feel embarrassed with me, there is nothing to hide anymore and I love him faults and all.
He agreed to put more effort into that area of our relationship and asked me to tell him if there is a problem. He said he knew for sure this is a relationship he wants to work on keeping because of being able to talk about these issues. He said with other relationships he had, they would just argue and nothing would get solved. I know he will never be really into the intimate part of this relationship and there are some issues he can't help, but I can live with those as long as he at least tries. This way I don't feel overwhelmed as if I am entering into another life of celibacy which is something I do not want. I feel he finally gets it now, that he really heard me, we can try to work on this and see where it goes. I am not naive enough to think that all is well now, it may be okay for a while and drift back to the way it was before and that would be a signal for me to decide to stay or finally move on. The power he has over me is this, in our lives we have very few people that really love us, I mean 'really' love us. Our mothers for example or a grandparent, usually a grandmother, that is a kind of love that we just 'feel' coming from that person. When ever you find someone that gives you that kind of love you just want to be around it, Dave gives me that warm feeling, it is in his hugs, how he looks at me, kisses me and the way he says my name. That is why for this relationship we have to at least try.