Monday, May 12, 2008

What Is Love?

What is love? How do you know when you have found it, how do you know you have it for someone else? Lately this question circles around and around in my mind. I worry, do I love being in a relationship with Dave or the 'idea' of being in a relationship. This is new to me and most days I am not sure what I am feeling. I worry as in, do I love him enough, do I love him the right way. How do you know that you care for someone as a boyfriend and not just a really good friend. What is love, is there suppose to be fireworks or is it being excited on your way over to see him. Is love sitting on the couch watching a movie, just 'being' together and enjoying those moments or should there be more. I wonder is it good enough to just care for the other person. Should they feel like your best friend, or does that make them your best friend and not boyfriend?

Over and over these thoughts run through my head and I wonder if other couples have these questions when they first start dating, is this normal, do these thoughts stay with you. Have you ever felt that maybe the other person is more committed to the relationship, maybe committed is the wrong word, more like they have the stronger love which can make you feel as though you are not holding up your end of the relationship. I am unsure, I have nothing to compare this to. I want to treat Dave right and I want to be sure I am a full partner in this. When I am away from him I get stressed about us, when I am with him I often wonder what I was worried about. A friend of mine told me she thought I was getting cold feet from being in my first serious relationship. Is it possible, to meet my soul mate on first try? Did I luck out, did someone out there work the universe so that we would meet and be the perfect couple? What are the chances or is it that I am older and can tell a good person when I see one. Am I wise enough now to pick the right one and just skip all the "MR wrongs" or am I just kidding myself. Sometimes I don't feel that I give enough to this relationship, maybe that is too Hollywood, maybe we are just suppose to eat, laugh, sleep together and that is living, that is love, that is a relationship.

I always want to be honest with Dave and so we talked about where we are, where we are going with this relationship. I told him some of my fears, I told him I don't feel I am giving this my all. He made me relax by saying that he has the same fears as I do. He said that he felt I give my all and that he is not giving 100%. What is love, what does it mean for people. How do you know you are 'in love', maybe even do you know at the time if you are in love, real love that is and not a crush or worse, lust. If love is fireworks, honestly I don't have those. Is love having a huge smile on my face when I think of him, is it knowing the little things I do for him will make him so happy, and in return makes me happy, is it feeling that his family, friends and work are very important to me because these are important to him. Is love that I feel as if we always knew each other, is love that at times he feels more like family. How do 'you' define love, I don' t know I have never been in love before, I just want to do this right.


eliot said...

youll get better answers than this but, to me, you'll just know. i'm not sure there is a good definition except just that.

i've gotten lucky with the guy i'm with. he is my first boyfriend and i know we are in love. i do not think you can discount the first guy just because he is the first one.

i know that i want to be together forever with him. we miss one another when we do not see one another. i do look forward to seeing him, even if it is just to go over to his place and watch tv.

we've only been going out for about six months but the familiarity makes it feel like years. he has dated many guys. i was married. we met off of a craigslist ad. who would have thought. did i luck out? absolutely. did i skip all the mr wrongs? well, for the most part i did.

i pinch myself every day. perhaps you should do the same and see what happens.

Steve said...

I think that everyone who's in a relationship with somebody asks himself these questions. I know I have. I'm sure other couples have.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's an easy answer to these questions. There's no easy way to "do it right". I think Love has a different meaning to everyone.

My advice: just see how things go and try not to worry too much. The best thing you could do, you already did: talk to Dave about it. Be sure to continue doing that.

But not too much...Leave more than enough time to just enjoy being together ;)

A Troll At Sea said...


The great Italian historian Giuseppe Ferrari once said: "love is desire and sacrifice in balance."

You are clearly "in love." Whether it is a love that will grow and develop into something that can withstand the next arrival of desire, is another question. You can only live the love you have and live in hope.

If it is real, the two of you will come to form a third thing that is bigger than the sum of its parts. It's one of the mysteries of the human heart.

I can't believe it's me saying this, but I will say it anyway: Try to worry about it less, and be "in it" more.

Good luck.

Will said...

Absolutely what T@C said in his last paragraph. And if love is what I have with Fritz, and I cannot possibly imagine anything else, then it's the smile rather than (or as the basis for) the fireworks, it's the happiness to be on your way to his place, it's the serenity and satisfaction of the evening at home.

Very soon into our relationship (we met while we were both naked at a gay men's erotic massage evening) I discovered that no matter how bad my day had been, or what worries were on my mind, when he put his arms around me and pulled me in everything but his warmth and caring disappeared. At least for me, that's love.

r. said...

Love's astronomically huge like many universes combined, yet it lives in every one of us.

All the years, I believe love is simply a reflection of ourselves.

Birdie said...

You didn't meet Mr. Right on your first try. Go back and read your blog; there are plenty of Mr. Wrongs you listed in there. Give yourself credit for good radar and excellent taste.

You have done a beautiful job describing genuine love. And if you love who you are when you are with Dave, then he's the one for you.

Stop waiting for the other shoe to fall. Don't look for failure where none exists. Live for the moment, in the moment. Worry solves nothing. And give Dave a big kiss from all of us for making you happy.


TWISI said...

there are no hard and fast rules to love. you just know when you have it.

like most of the big issues in life, it would be great if there was a manual, but there really isn't, you just have to go through it and trust that you are doing the right thing.

one thing i have tried to keep in mind with this issue is... how often a day do you think of him? now how many of those times do you think of him and get a smile on your heart?

i think in answering those questions you will most likely get the answer to your larger question.

Java said...

First of all, you think too much!! LOL

Second: What Birdie said. (I often say that if I comment after she does) And what Troll at Sea said. You've gotten some good comments here so far from everyone.

My 2 cents: Fireworks aren't required. You can be in love and not see those stars all the time. Don't worry. It is normal to have these questions. It's GREAT that you and Dave have talked about this. Keep talking. You can be best friends and boyfriends, or just boyfriends but not best friends. Either is OK; it just depends on how the two of you "do" together. Don't worry about it.

Think about this. You are asking "is it love?" Think about "love" being a verb, not just a noun. Do loving things. Act as if you love him. It sounds like you do that most of the time, anyway.

There is no simple formula for love. You can't divide it 50/50; it isn't that easy. Do you love him more than he loves you? Does he love you more? It doesn't matter. Each should respect the other, give love as well as take. But don't worry about who has the stronger love.

In my relationship with Superman, I think he loves me more than I love him. He needs me more than I need him, I think. On some levels, anyway. On the other hand, I need him very much. He has always loved me more. He fell in love with me sooner than I felt any love for him. I do love him, very much. We've been together 26 years now, and the whole is definitely greater than the sum of the parts, as Troll @ Sea said. I am with him now because he loves me. I stay because I love him. I do love him, and he stabilizes me when I get weird. But I have a wanderlust, and sometimes I want to fly away. I love him enough to sacrifice some of that wandering spirit and stay here. It is good here, there's a lot I really like/love about it. So I concentrate on that, and on how much I love him, and I stay. And our partnership works very well. I wouldn't call it "equal" exactly. But that's OK.

GTR said...

For what it's worth, here's my take on what constitutes love:

Bill said...

Steven, you and your questioning! That's okay, though, that's why we love your blog. Your honesty is admirable, and you always present interesting things for us to ponder.

Now I have a question for you: If someone took you to a fireworks show, and after the first few minutes turned to you and said "Guess what? Here's the best part! This show never ends, and we have to stay here forever watching it!" would that make you happy? I'm guessing your answer is no.

A healthy relationship will weather excitement and boredom, happiness and sadness, accordance and disagreement, worries and winnings.

Don't project into the future. Enjoy each day for what it brings. Give what your are capable of giving, and take the gifts life offers you.

At least, this is what worked for Michael and me, right up until the moment he died. Live it up, Steven, relax and have fun!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you are on the right track. You have expressed your fears and have been open with Dave who only came back and told you that he has had those same fears. Remember that "love" takes on all forms. The "form" you have found seems to be working for both of you. :-)

Glad to see you back again. I was worried that you might be going away on hiatus.

Topher said...

Wowww, I think these thoughts sometimes too and get scared. Like it's unfair when it feels like C- loves me more than I do him. Same with you, C- is my first boyfriend and I get all freaked out whether I'd really want to be with him or is it just platonic.

I don't have the answers to your questions but ey, at least you know you're not the only one.

There really isn't a definition for it since it's different for everybody. Sometimes when we're in bed 'sleeping,' I'd get moved to tears just looking at C- that he's still there even after having seen me at my worst. It's like I want to run away since how can this be so easy to have found the 'one' this soon.

john said...

You are in love!!