When I was a kid I liked to watch the show Three's Company, for those who never saw the show, there were these two characters, Mr and Mrs Roper. They were an older couple that played the landlords of the show. Mr Roper was a bit of a jerk, he liked to drool over the younger women while not treating his wife very well. Mrs Roper was a sweet lady and her beauty was on the inside, in fact looking back, she probably would be a perfect person for drag queens to copy at a gay pride parade. In the show I used to feel sorry for her character as she wanted to have a healthy sex life with her husband but being a jerk, he rejected her at every turn. Even though I was very young and had a slight grasp of what sex actually was, the game of being naked with each other and kissing looked like fun, I used to think "what is wrong with him, he does not look so hot himself anymore, when I get old if my partner wanted sex all the time, I would think that was a good thing". I was so young, I did not even realize at this time that my partner was going to be a guy, I didn't yet understand why I found the character Jack attractive and could not get why every other guy talked about the women on the show. I did know one thing however, I would not deny my partner a chance to be intimate with me.
I should say that Dave is certainly no Mr Roper, he is very kind and loving to me. We do enjoy each other's company and like I am always saying, he acts very thoughtful towards me. However I keep thinking lately of Mrs Roper, it is almost as if I knew as a young child I would end up in a situation like hers. Even last night watching a comedy on TV, the woman in the show was worried that she missed her proper moment to have sex with her boyfriend, her male friends laughed at her and said not to worry, that him being a guy, every moment was the proper time to have sex. That line would at any other time have been really funny to me, however last night it hurt.
That was one of the things I talked a lot about with Dave, I wanted to be sure that he was not being 'with' me just to keep me from leaving, I do not want to hold that over his head all the time. I do not want to place him in the position of doing something that he dislikes. He said that he wanted to try, he does not want to lose me and that he was fine with it. I need the love of a good man more than the sex, I would hate to meet someone new that was great in bed but was not as thoughtful or loving towards me. Still I don't want to end up being Mrs Roper later on in life, needing my partner and him finding ways to avoid me, that would hurt.
Dave is trying and I hope this works, I am pretty lucky when I see other people looking for the right person in terms of years, my situation is not as hard as some others trying to come out so I don't want to appear whiny here. However I can't help feeling a little sad, even though Dave is trying, he is doing it for me, he does not get a lot of enjoyment out of the act and is not interested in it. That means that he will probably be less likely to say no to me but he will never try to start anything with me. That was part of my daydreams for when I finally had a boyfriend, for him to gently wake me on a Sunday morning by starting to make love to me, to go camping or some place private and have him come onto me, to give me a sly wink on a rainy afternoon when there is nothing else to do, to just start being silly and get me down on the living room floor then turn playful wrestling into something erotic. Those daydreams will have to make way for my reality, they just won't happen and I have to stop being obsessed with them. I have to focus on other things, like when I go to his place and he lights up at the sight of me, at the fact that if he is within reach of me... he is hugging me, that I am on a pedestal in his eyes, that I feel so loved by someone other than family, that he wants to take care of me and make everything right for me, that I love him like no other in my life... ever. To give that up and walk away would almost seem stupid.