Three gays walk into a restaurant...

Three gay guys walk into a restaurant and sit down together at a table. The first gay man says I'll have the breakfast special, the second asks for the breakfast special also, the third asks for something a little different, then they talk openly about topics regarding relationships between gay friends, gay events, etc. One of the men comments before leaving, about how much better it feels to be comfortable enough to talk openly like this now, and not even realize that they were doing it, I nod my head and agree with him.

Non gay bears!

Greg that super sexy blogger over at Midnight Garden, made me smile the other day with his comment about better raccoons than non gay bears. You mean big man eating bears like this one Greg? You will notice I am taking the picture safely far away from in the house.

There have been two bears taking turns eating the apples from the trees. We have had bears come during the night in past years, usually they slip in, eat some apples and slip away before dawn. We don't mind sharing a few apples with bears if they are really hungry. The thing that I do not like about these two bears, is they have no fear of humans, even banging pots and pans together has no effect. They walk through the barn yards and this angers me because if we had animals there I know they would attack them. They are kind of a stupid animal because they have totally damaged the trees now, one smaller tree is lucky to live through winter let alone have any apples next year.

It is dangerous to wound a bear so we have asked the local hunters to take care of the problem. I am not a tree hugger but my family usually has a live and let live attitude towards wild animals, as long as they do not harm our animals or crops, we let nature take care of itself. The thing about these bears is that some days they will walk into our yard when my poor Mom is trying to hang clothes to dry or when she is in her garden. They even came out when we had guests over with small children running around. The noise would normally keep most bears away for miles, these guys unfortunately will I think become rugs.

As for the raccoons, what I do is this. I take empty tin cans, some old string or wire, some plastic containers, put them all together and place them in the recycling bin to be recycled, then I go get my old gun and blow their furry little asses off!

Okay that sounds a bit harsh, anyway since Greg inspired this post, the next picture is for you Greg, one of my morning glories since you always have nice ones. A more peaceful thought to end with.

Feeling beat

Information over load, I can't post there is just too much to say. I'm not back, I can't come back for a while. Something I never mentioned before is the fact that my mother, who was a very strong independent woman most of my life, has been robbed of her independence by a type of genetic senility. Like her mother before her, it has taken away her short term memory and left her confused with almost any decisions she may have to make. We used to think at one time that if Dad were to die first, mom would move to town and continue on without many problems. That thinking changed about five years ago when we noticed she began to have trouble remembering important information. Often she would become frustrated with us (mostly poor Dad) because she believed we were not telling her information, she could not accept that we had told her and she forgot.

Mom relied on Dad heavily these last few years and as a couple they survived just fine. Mostly she just needs someone to keep her on track and I often felt a cold chill when I thought to myself "what if Dad were to pass away." Like a bad dream coming true, we now have that situation, so for me right at this moment there is no coming back, no picking myself up and trying to get on with life. There is only another situation that I have to deal with, my life will have to be put on hold until mom is settled somewhere that I know she is happy and safe, she just can not be left alone. Dave understands but is not happy about the situation, last Christmas we had imagined that we may be living together by now, life certainly can change a person's plans.

This is the reason that I do not post often, I'm hoping to change that soon, I'm trying to get Internet access out in the wilderness where she lives. If I do then you can laugh at me as I write posts about the angry gay guy chasing raccoons out of his garden, (they stole all my honeydew melons those little fury bastards...22...)

Montreal Part Deux

Me and the honey bunny went to the Pride Parade in Montreal, I went to see all the gay people and you know what, there were hundreds of the little buggers there! I have read on some of the other blogs where the writers felt the parades are becoming the "same old, same old" and I could see that being the case. For now however I feel I should support them as they meant a lot to me when I was coming out, I used to go even before I was out, I just felt the need to be around other gay people in those days, I needed to know I was not alone. The parades used to offend me a little at that time to be honest, I hated to see guys in dresses for fear of being stereotyped, now I understand gay culture better and the guys in dresses are my favorite, the more outrages the better as most of it is just fun. I did feel this year in Montreal the parade was a little hijacked by other political agendas, I think gay people still have enough problems without bringing in conflicts from other countries etc, which have nothing to do with gays as a community. It was long and took most of the afternoon, over all I enjoyed it and we went to shake our booties after.


No no it had nothing to do with all the hot guys that were there with their shirts off! I'm not that shallow, no really I'm not, okay well maybe just a little, ahhhhhh men, man meat, beef cake, sooo beautiful. Okay I'm back to earth now.


A little sample of what we saw. People always say that the women in Montreal know how to dress and keep themselves looking good, well I'm thinking a lot of the guys in Montreal know how to make themselves look good also and not just gay men, there were a lot of straight guys there with their girlfriends and they were smoking hot! Dave and I agreed that one of the hottest guys there was a straight guy with his girlfriend, we could not stop watching him dance at the party after, I think he was one of the better dancers there as well, no I did not take his picture and yes we are sure he is straight, lucky girl! ;)

I always feel sad when we have to leave a gay event, having to step back into a world that is not always so open or accepting, oh well, screw them!


Oui oui Madame, you certainly have style. What the heck, uncle John is that you? Just kidding.

Back on the hom-o front!

Things have been going really well between Dave and myself, in some way our separation has brought us closer together. Dave often comes to visit as I will have to stay with Mom until she sells the farm. Mom likes Dave, she of course thinks he is a really good friend but has had one too many shocks lately, so we will leave it at that. Dave did get to meet Dad once last year, that is important to me, Dad liked Dave, he had said to Mom later "he seems like a nice lad".

Last weekend we went to Montreal with two gay friends, actually we met one for the first time as he was on vacation from England, he was easy to talk to and we had fun. The city was having a diversity weekend, lots of cute gay guys around but I of course forgot my camera. If this sounds familiar to people who read "Sticky Crows" Torn's blog, it is because that is the city he lives in. This weekend is the Gay Pride parade in Montreal and we plan on going, mostly because the one in this city is a bit lame, three drag queens and a guy in leather harness, well maybe not that bad, there were actually two guys in leather harness. Any way we want to be with "family", our code word for gay people, Dave or I will say "family" when we think someone is gay, just a silly game we play. Dave and I walked around the city often holding hands, it no longer feels like a huge step for me, a long way from where I was two years ago. To be honest I would still be careful where we do that but Montreal is very open and if you are in the gay village area, no one cares. I laughed to Dave, pointing out that it is mostly straight guys holding onto their girlfriend's hand in the village, maybe they are afraid some guy will hit on them so they are trying to say "see I'm with a girl"! Sorry straight guys, it only makes us want you more! Muhahaha!

This makes me think that it will be two years this month since my first coming out, it just feels so right. I think how well it went, how good and understanding my friend was to me that day. I forget what a huge leap it has been for me, going from not wanting to say "I'm gay" out loud in case the walls might repeat the words, to walking around holding Dave's hand in public.

I confess we went to see strippers the last week in Montreal, well it is not like we do it all the time and heck, I've been a good boy all my life! At the end of the night one cute guy must have been a fireman because he pulled out a hose, we sat there dumb struck, I didn't know they came in that size! We still play the "cute guy game" as well, saying "7" or "10" when a cute guy walks by. I really feel the need to work out however when I'm in a gay village during summer. A friend asked if I was in hot shape, would I walk around with my shirt off? I am a total yes on that, I would want to show off the goods, I don't see any problem with that as long as I kept a healthy attitude about it. There are guys that are so hot, they know it, they show it, however they are sweet hearts and fun to be around and that is okay in my books.

Dave and I have been taking time to get away together, we have taken in a few sights as well. I feel now that it is just part of working at a relationship and no longer working at 'being gay' and I think this is a good place to be.

Until we meet again

Three hours, it has been three hours since you died and it feels unreal. I will never forget those words "Steve, Dad died this afternoon". I knew something was wrong when I drove into the yard and my aunt was there late in the day, my sister came out to meet me and told me the bad news. I cried, I cried hard, I cried for many reasons, that he was gone, that he would no longer suffer, that I just went away for one day and missed his final moments, that Mom would now be alone.

One day, it has been one day Dad and I miss you so much already. There is this huge hole in our lives left by your passing, I can't help think all day, "this time yesterday he was alive, if only I had been a little quicker, by this time he was dying, by this time he was dead, 24 hours I guess there is no turning back now".

One week, it has been one week Dad, has it been one week already? I guess with so much to do for the wake and funeral time slipped by, it only feels like three days. Everyone is gone now, they want to give us time alone. Alone is how we feel, we are suppose to try to return back to normal but normal can't happen without you you here.

Two weeks, two weeks seems so fast. Time slowed down when you were so ill, I'm glad for that as it makes us feel we had a year with you instead of only weeks. We hoped time would slow down, the end of a month meant a large part of your life had passed, but we could not stop time, it advanced like the cancer. Strange thinking of how I am mowing the grass this week when two weeks ago you lay dying at this time. From such a tragic event for the family to something so mundane as cutting the grass. I think I'm doing okay until I dream of you one night, hearing your voice and seeing your expressions that only my Dad could have made, gave me the feeling you were with me again. Waking up and remembering that you were gone however, had me fall into that deep empty space left by your passing and I sobbed as if you had just passed away again. Mom really misses you now Dad, she had time to think about what her life will be like without you here, she feels it is getting worse. I think her old school thinking of not showing emotion has caught up with her, she needs to grieve and forget about that strong appearance in front of others garbage.

Week three, the dreams about you don't upset me anymore, I think they were part of some mental healing and they stopped coming. Dave came to see me that day and in the excitement, I forgot it had been three weeks. I remembered in the afternoon and felt a little guilty. I know you would not want that however, you would want us to heal and move on, you told us so many times before you left, it made me love the person you were even more in your final days. You wanted to make this simple for us but there is so much paper work to your passing Dad, you would be shaking your head if you were here to see this. I was out with Dave the other day and forgot myself and said "wait until I show Dad these pictures, he will get a kick out of this" then it hit me pretty fast, the emptyness, the loss.

One month, it has been one month today Dad. It feels like only last week, very unreal. Time waits for no one, both you and Mom always said that and you were correct, everything keeps moving in the rest of the world, it never stopped like we felt it should. We wondered this morning what happened when you died, did you see a light, did you see Granny or did things just go dark. Mom wishes you could let her know you are doing fine where ever you are. We thought we would feel you at your farm but we don't, just the opposite, we feel the farm 'without you' as if waiting for your return. I heard something that I feel is true from someone who lost a family member, she told us "you don't forget them or forget they are gone, you just get used to it". I still can't believe we are at the one month mark, soon it will be the first birthday without you, then Christmas and then the next thing it will have been one year. Everyone says it gets a little better after one year when most of the 'firsts' are out of the way, I will judge that for myself.

I will switch this blog back to 'being gay' issues from now on Dad but it has nothing to do with not missing you, because I really do like I have never missed a person before. If there is life after death I hope you are really happy where ever you are and I hope we all get to be together someday, until we meet again Dad.

Thank you again everyone for the words of support.

I should say...

I should say "I'm doing okay" but I can't, that would just not be true. People ask, "how are you holding up" but they don't want a real answer, they want me (us) to say that we are doing fine, that life is roses again. This crap hurts and it hurts deep, I just can't write at this moment, and it is not from having little to say, more like having too much to say and a flood of thoughts and emotions jam into my fingers to get to the keyboard first. Yes I show a strong face to the world and no I'm not losing my marbles, I'm just really sad right now.

Probably a good time to mention how I appreciated the very kind and thoughtful comments over these last months, they really do help to know people care or at least understand how I feel (Catrina, sorry for the loss of your mother, you were correct, nothing prepares a person for the sorrow when you actually lose someone). I do often wonder what all of you have been up to. Birdie (my sweetie pie), you don't have to check for the rest of the week now, I'm not going to be near my computer!

When the dance ends.

Nearly fifty years ago, a handsome young farmer with a sheepish smile and wavy hair asked a shy young woman to dance. They later fell in love, married and kept on dancing through life together. Last week however that dance came to an end, my Dad passed away. I never got the chance to say what I was building myself up to say, I was in town when I wrote the last post and when I returned home, he had just passed away two hours before I got there. I struggled with this for days, I had been with him since March and the minute I left, he passed. The first week I kept waking up in the night with the weight of knowing I will never see him again, plus the things I wanted to say to him that I never did or could not. I would be overcome with a feeling of being smothered or as if drowning. I spoke to my mother about it and since telling her, the feeling has not returned.

My Dad was very much a people person, he was not loud or did not seek attention, yet he had no problem with meeting people any place he would go. I envied that ability, I am the opposite, I find it hard to meet someone or even to talk to people that I do not know very well. The result was a beautiful service, people had to stand outside of the church since there was such a crowd and Dave said that was a tribute to the person he was. I felt I needed to give the eulogy, my family thought someone else should do it, they only know me as this shy quiet person and were afraid I would get up and cry or worse, pass out. I knew I could write one, I felt that other people did not know Dad as we knew him, I think having the blog to express my feelings gave me the courage and confidence to do it. Since I was not there as my mother and sister were to comfort him in his last hour, this was the best way to say good bye to him. It went well, some of the people who are really close to us, said it gave them chills with how it stirred images of my father in their minds, those kind comments have helped me over these last few days.

She cries at night, my mother that is and it breaks my heart whenever I hear her. Mom was raised that emotions are a private matter and must not be shared or shown, she holds strong for us during the day and in fact mom never cries. I never saw my mother really cry other than a few tears in her eyes until now, however at night I hear her soft sobs over the loss of Dad, her partner in life who has left her alone.

We will get through this, other people had to, it takes time I know. It feels like everything is just sitting there waiting for him, his tools, his old truck and his farm but he is not coming back, the dance has ended. Love you Dad, miss you....forever.

Saying Goodbye.

How do you say goodbye when you know it will be forever, do you just pretend like nothing is happening or do you take the time to sit down and say "I love you, thank you for everything Dad". Do you say goodbye when the word takes on a new meaning, a truth that can crush you if you think about the loss for a split second.

You made it to fathers day Dad, we had hoped so hard for that, we wanted to tell you how special a Dad you were to us and needed the excuse, however you became so ill that weekend and then we could not go within five feet of you holding one of those cards, it was too final for us, we were not ready to say goodbye yet and so they sit on our dressers, they will never be opened, it is just too raw for us now.

I have to let you go now Dad, there is nothing more I can do. I can't save you anymore, just one more sip of water, just one more spoon full of soup, it does not help now, I have lost. There are no special moments, no smiles or jokes at the darkest times, only sadness and suffering. I feel sick inside all the time as I watch you slip away. How do you say goodbye when 'goodbye' will be from that sad day forward, 'I love you' will mean my whole life crammed into that one little word and thank you for 'everything' will be everything from the day I was born onward.

Annoyed gay guy

The other day I over heard a man I know making a comment towards gays, it was along the lines of "what can you expect from him, he's a queer". There is nothing to snap a person back to the battle grounds with a comment like that. Sometimes we have to hold our tongues to keep the peace for others. I was thinking, what does being gay have to do with a person's character, you are either a good person or you are not, does not matter what your sexuality is. I hate when the person thinks they are on some moral high ground. Thinking that they could never have a gay child, "I'd never raise my child gay, I raised them properly". I felt like pointing out that two of his kids got divorced and that is suppose to be a 'no no' according to most religions. In fact one of his kids ended two marriages and the other is suppose to have had an affair. People are people, I know gay and lesbian couples who have been together for years. I guess he must have been a bad parent if we want to pass judgement.

I don't mean to target people who got divorced or split, that is not my business, if it is not working then the choice is only between the two people. What annoys me is if a person is a bad apple, it is because they are just a bad apple, not because they are gay. I get so tired when I am painted with the same brush of every gay person that they meet. Even worse is the people who always look for the bad in the people they want to hate, the type of person that could know ten really good gay people and then meet up with one bad one who screws them over, then the comment is made "see what did I tell you, can't trust any of them".

Not much we can do about it really, there are always those people who work at believing in something that has been shown to be wrong to them, just some days I have had my fill.

Gifts of moments

Last night I had a sudden thought and it gave me great sadness. I was saying to Dave how I was going to pick up a Fathers day card today and suddenly the thought occurred that this will be the last time I ever buy a card for Dad. I will have to say that a month ago my Dad was so weak that we honestly did not think he would even make it to fathers day, so I have to take that gift for what it is. We have learned that now, we take every small moment, every funny moment and hold them close in our hearts, every good moment is a gift now and they are what keeps us going.

About the gay thing.

I just have not had time to be gay, I have not had time to be Steven, there are many days were I don't even stop to eat. My days are filled with other more demanding things and sometimes I just fall into bed at night really exhausted. I do get to talk to Dave once or twice a week and he is very understanding having lost his mother less than two years ago.

I think the "gay" part of me wanted some attention as it came out in the craziest of dreams last week. In taking a break from hospitals etc, I thought this is the only place where people could laugh at this dream or at least understand it.

In my dream I was at my parents house, I was getting ready to go to the hospital as everyone else was already there. I ran down the basement stairs to get my boots and there sitting on the steps, completely naked was Tom Cruise. In the dream not only was he naked (the younger hotter version of Tom) but he was also..... how should I say this... he was stroking his top gun and was excited to show me the money (shot). I looked at him in shock, he turned to me and said "sorry but I didn't think you would mind, you know what it is like having to hide being gay and everywhere else I go you know the paparazzi will be waiting for me. I figured it would be more private here". He wanted me to watch as that was part of the excitement for him and so I did, well you probably would have too!

I woke up and thought "where the heck did that come from?" I guess it has something to do with putting my other life on the back burner. The funny thing is that I'm not really a Tom fan, I mean I will watch a movie that he is in but I never really think about him, there are many actors I would like to have found in my basement. Still let me just say that Tom was in very nice shape and built as well. ;)

Silly post I know but I just needed to think of something other than hospitals, cancer and stress. I have learned to give myself a day or two of happy thoughts so that I can go back and take on the day to day challenges that my family is going through.

"Dad"

It is hard to accept that one day very soon, no one will answer to "Dad" when I say it out loud. All test came back and the news was really bad. They said there is nothing they can do for my father except try to keep him from suffering. He came home last Thursday and I hope he will be able to stay there until the end. My Dad was a very strong independent type person, my biggest fear is for him to end his days in a hospital with tubes stuck in him. I stay strong around my parents but I don't do so well when I have a minute to myself. It is cutting to think he will no longer be around soon. It is also hard to see he is frightened of what is coming and there is not a thing any of us can do about it. I always felt the people who suddenly lost a loved one, were much better off than they thought, as hard as it would have been to have lost Dad suddenly, this is much harder.

Again, so many of you have sent emails and left kind comments, I deeply thank you as it does help. I'm sorry for not getting back to each of you personally but I usually just check emails while checking on my place. My parents do not have internet access at their place, actually they still are on the party line system, most of you probably don't understand what that is.

Steven

It is bad news.

First I want to thank you all for the kind comments and emails. I'm am just checking in on my place to pick up mail etc. I thought it only right to let you know that the news was not good regarding my Dad. He has cancer. He is not doing well and has to stay in the hospital since he can no longer eat or drink. That is about all I can tell you so far, I wish it was better news but for those who have gone through something like this, you all know life is not always a movie with a happy ending.

About Not Posting

I have not given up on posting, just to let you know that my Dad is very ill and so I went home to be with my parents. I will post again when I return.

The Great Beyond

Last week a satellite was launched into space to look for signs of life on other planets. I am always very interested in news like this. I like when we look beyond the stars and give mankind something else to focus on besides the day to day troubles we bring to ourselves. It is fascinating with how some people can be so grand in their thinking.

Taking a step away from the usual things I write about, I just wonder what you think about life out there. Myself, when younger, I used to believe most UFOs were spaceships coming to visit earth, I just accepted it as a fact since so many people said they saw or had contact, I was angry with the government for always covering it up and could not see why they just could not admit it. I loved watching programs and reading books about this subject, one day however I read the book 'Communion' by Whitley Strieber and after that I no longer believe it possible. There are just too many factors preventing visitations to be true. Now regarding government cover-ups I feel they have to do with weapons testing that went wrong and became exposed to the public. As for life on other planets, that is possible but I don't think of life out there in terms of little green creatures running around in futuristic cities and driving space-ships. If there is actual life on another planet, it will probably be wiggly things swimming around in some sort of ocean.

The satellite will not be able to pick up life, only signs that a planet could contain life and even then, a planet could show positive signs but there still be nothing there. It would be interesting however, to find a planet in the future with at least types of animals and plants on it. Would they resemble in some way life here or would they be something that our minds could never dream up. That will not happen in our life time and when a person starts to understand the distances in space, even if we sent probes today, by the time they begin to reach other planets, mankind will probably no longer exist. I watched an interesting interview with a panel of scientists who work in this field. They said another factor keeping us from finding other advanced life is not only the vast distance but also the vast amount of time, meaning there is probably not any other life as advanced as we are this moment in time, however that there could have been before us and there will probably be after us. They said probably every so many million years an intelligent civilization pops up and sends out messages into space to see if anyone else is out there. No message is returned because either the green guys are long dead or are a long way off from coming into existence, interesting thought. I also wonder if that is true, why do we think there is a higher life form out there or that there used to be a higher life form, my thinking is someone has to be first so why not us, what if we are the first (so called) intelligent life.

When I come back down to earth and see how most people live in this world with wars, oppression, fundamental views etc, I could understand why another life form would feel we are not ready to meet. I honestly don't think there is anyone else around except our little mixed up selves. I think people have to also get over that thought of another life form coming to earth to rescue us from our troubles, we have to do it. Can you imagine if it was the other way around, if humans landed on another planet with simple towns and villages. I think the second thing we would say right after "we come in peace" would be "so do you guys have any black oily stuff bubbling out of the ground anywhere?"

As readers I am interested in what you think, don't let my views affect your answer. Do you believe we have been visited, do you think there is life out there, life as in with cities or just swimming around in goo, do you think there is only us on earth and every other planet is just big rocks floating in space. Maybe you could care less and never think about it at all so don't worry all comments will be respected no matter what you believe.

Dirty Boy!

Writing my last post I had an uneasy feeling about it, I worried about coming off as judgemental. Honestly I know I was being judgemental but it is not in the way most would understand. I know that there are gay men who just want to have a 'buddy' or 'buddies' to help them get through life and I think that is your life so do what you feel is right for you. I even understand the attraction to it, for myself right now it is not something I want but I don't think I'm better than them because I do see the erotic excitement to exploring with different people.

My problem is with the guys who pretend 'no strings' sex is not what they are after. I respect a guy that says this is what I am about and is at least honest about it. However I am uncomfortable if a guy thinks 100% about himself and how he can 'use' other people for his satisfaction only. I also have a huge problem with a guy being dishonest and deceitful in trying to get someone into his bed, that is just wrong, creepy and shallow. I can't see not caring at all about the person you are with at such an intimate moment. I also wonder about guys that just become an open door to any stranger, why are they treating their body like a trash can, I feel there is probably an underlying problem. I wish they would stop, not because I look down on them but because I care about people and if there is a problem I want them to heal inside, plus remain healthy mind and body.

I can be a dirty boy, I am not all sweet and innocent. I'm with Dave now but if I was single and one of my friends wanted me to stay the night, depending who it was, I might. Even if I chickened out, the thought is there. In fantasy world, Steve is a bad boy, I can't tell you how many times I wished I had a 'gay spray', just one squirt and any guy will sleep with you, but not because the spray made him, only because he always wanted to and the spray lets him relax enough. Many times I have been stranded on an island only to discover a troop of hot marines have been there for months and ask if I can help them out (cliche I know) and of course I do. There have been times riding home on a bus where a cute guy gets on and all I can think of is I wish I could just ask the guy to come home with me and he would consider it an honour and say "sure I'll come home with you, then you can give me a bath and we will take it from there", if only! In the 'real' world, I never really spoke about this but just before I met Dave, I had met a guy who for the most part was straight and dated women, he was honest about it but said there was a part of him that liked to spend time with a guy. He was really cute and wanted to be friends, we hung out a bit and he seemed a decent normal guy, nothing happened between us plus I met Dave around the same time so I figured it best to cut ties with the first guy and go for a serious relationship with Dave because that is what I wanted. I'm just trying to be honest and say if I had not met Dave, I probably would have started a 'buddy' relationship with him, maybe not who can say but the potential was there.

My point is I understand there is a much larger flow in how gay people relate to each other than in the straight world, relationship wise and sexually that is. What is enough for me may not be enough for you and that is not my business, I don't have a problem. I just hope however you live your life you are not hurting gay family members because the rest of the world does enough of that to us already.

From in Awe, to "Oh Ewww!"

My ex came to town last week for a visit. For those who are new to this blog, I did date someone years ago before Dave, only I panicked and slammed myself back into the closet at the time. I managed to find my ex on line two years ago, I always wondered what happened to him. We have emailed back and forth a few times since then. He moved a world away and is doing really well for himself. I knew he would as he was a very smart man and entered into the tech world as it was taking off. He talked about how he met someone and they have been together for ten years, I talked about my hiding as I had not met Dave at that time. I was happy to have reconnected, I always felt bad at the way things ended and wanted to say sorry for basically taking off on him.

The emails soon however became inappropriate, they began to take on a sexual tone. I thought this odd for a man in a long term relationship and wondered if he was joking. If I mentioned it, he would say he was only joking and so I let it go, it was not the humor that I remembered from him however.

This week he came to my city and even though he knows I'm with Dave, the emails took on a 'hook-up' tone, actually almost desperate to the point where they began to feel creepy. He told me that he had a "special" friend in every city as his job sends him all over the world. I was hurt because I realized that the reason he wanted to meet was mostly to have a "F*buddy" in this city. I suddenly had the thought, if he has become this stereotypical gay manwhore, then he will have an ad on craigslist, and so I checked. I felt something sink inside me, there it was, an ad for strange guys to come over to his hotel room and he listed the things he wanted them to do to him, he even had the nude picture.

I suddenly did not want to meet with him and backed out of our dinner, I felt gross inside, I had this image in my head where he would try to plant me with a greeting kiss after using that mouth to service a group of sweaty strangers. I would not even want to hug him. I had a feeling he would be making suggestive jokes all night, only I would know for sure by then that he would be serious. That part of my life is over now, that young man I once dated died when I saw the craigslist ad, I don't know this guy that he has become. It makes me wonder sometimes, how we can get caught up in this gay world and what happened to turn him this way. The man I met years ago I had so much respect for, this man he has become is... well I don't want to place judgement on him but I will say this, I am really worried about him, because I know that other sweet person is still in there somewhere and I feel something bad will happen sooner or later.



I should probably say I'm not a prude but there is a difference with having a hook up buddy and sleeping with every easy craigslist guy in all the cities you travel to.

Smile

I am not perfectly comfortable with being gay but from my understanding, most gay people are not and it is a constant process. Emailing a blog friend made me realize something. I'm in a much better place now and it came suddenly from where I was before. I can rent a gay movie, buy a book about gay issues and go into gay places of business, without having that panicked feeling. I don't look over my shoulder, feel that I'm being watched or have moments where I felt I did something terrible wrong. I don't expect to wake up the next morning and read in the news paper about how I was spotted buying a gay magazine or entering a gay bar. There is no more fear of a TV reporter running up to me and announcing to the entire world that I am gay. I still do have a slight uneasiness and can give a little catch in my breath from time to time when doing something in public regarding being gay but mostly that is gone in minutes, I no longer go home and worry all night if someone saw me. Now at times I even grin to myself at the thought of someone seeing me who does not know yet and other times I just think "I don't have time for this, it is none of their business". I remember always being angry at the gay people who said the more you come out, the more freedom you will have. I used to think they just did not understand me, I wanted just one person to give me all kinds of good reasons not to come out. I understand now that it is true what gay people have been saying, of course you have to pick the right people and the right moment but coming out at least in some form is better than hiding. I did not think gay people understood me when saying to come out, I just did not stop to realize that they were speaking from experience after seeing both sides and they knew which life was better. Thinking back to that guy and seeing where I am now makes me smile, when things don't seem to be going gaily forward, I just need to look back two years and think "wow how did I make it here".

Slightly gay

Hello my name is Steven and I'm slightly gay, a tiny bit gay, not big on chicks, into guys actually, okay I'm totally gay. Sometimes I wonder if I am being true to myself, I don't want people that I meet for the first time to know I am gay. I still feel that is giving up a personal part of myself and also a loss of power over any first impression. I feel I'm wrong in that way of thinking, it is like a part of me is still ashamed of being gay but I feel that it would be better for them to get to know me first, that way there is no preconceived notion as to who I am. Straight people don't have to worry about that but am I wrong or is it just part of a gay man learning to fit into today's world. If someone knows me, who I am and what I am about, suddenly rejected me because I'm gay, then I would think there is not much I can do about that, however I want the chance to present who Steven is before they would judge. I also think it would help people learn that gay people are for the most part, just like them.

I am pretty lucky so far with my coming out, I have not had any really bad experiences as of yet. Canadians have more of an open mind or a 'live and let live' motto, they might not like something but will mostly only complain behind closed doors. I did feel it however, I suddenly felt the stares while at a function, that is how I knew one of my friends spilled the beans. Some of the people there that I knew were a bit distant, I noticed them staring me up and down while talking as if meeting me for the first time. It clicked in my head as to how they would know and the mystery was solved. Still I did not like the feeling of being perceived as a stranger. I also never want to over hear someone say "oh that is because he is gay". I once worked for a woman who was lesbian and any time people were upset with her, they would always say things like that.

I know that it would be odd of me to say "hi I'm Steve and I would like to be your gay friend" my problem has more to do with a feeling of "awe you told them already" and that is the part I wonder if I should work on. Do I not want them to know because I am still ashamed that I'm gay, or is it just that I want them to get to know 'Steven' first and not have my being gay the elephant standing in the room. I still want people to think "that is my friend Steve, who also happens to be gay" and not "there is a gay guy named Steve" as being gay in some ways is a small part of who I am. I think Dave handles it well, he just does not say either way at first and feels out a situation. Then over time he will just calmly drop hints here and there, eventually people will figure it out.

Conveniently Devout

Last week I happened to be flipping through the channels when I heard a comment about homosexuals. I stopped to listen and it was an interview with a devoutly christian man. I should have known better than to listen but I did. He was saying how as a collage dean he often finds himself in hot water over his views about gays. He said that Canada has become perverse and is condoning perversion because it has accepted gay marriage. He went on to brag about how he is fighting to 'save' marriage, he said he is doing it because he "knows" it is the truth because the word of the bible is the truth and he lives exactly by the bible. According to him gay people should live celibate lives and focus all their desires on God I assume.

I think it must be sickening for non christians to have to hear about these people always trying to interfere in their lives because it is bad enough for gay christians to have to listen to this. After running on at the mouth about how he is the crusader of marriage, he goes on to say he understands marriage better than anyone because he was married twice. His excuse for the second marriage was that during his first one, he had not met Jesus yet so he did not know how to treat his wife.

This is the hypocritical bull that just drives me crazy. If he lives "by the word" (for the non christian readers), Jesus forbids a second marriage... EVER! Only if one spouse dies. He said we can divorce but we can not remarry because God joined the two people together and no man can undo that. He went on to say that if a man remarries (like this minister), he is still married to his first wife, so he is committing adultery, LIKE THIS HOLIER THAN THOU MINISTER IS with his second wife! Example: Luke 18 Any man who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery; and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. I can understand the minister getting married young and making a mistake, but if I have to live by the word, then he has to live by the word. He has to leave this woman he is bedding now and go back and try to make his first real marriage work. If his first wife will not take him back, there is no problem, whenever he is lonely, he should find comfort in God and pray like I am suppose to. When he has desires, he should place all his energy towards God, because is that not what he expects gay people to do? Why do all these back woods, red necks always live by "do as I say, not as I do." They are just using the bible to support the last acceptable form of bigotry. When it comes to gay people we are expected to take the bible word for word, but when it comes to straight people, well then it is quite acceptable to play with the interpretations. Instead of doing what he says, I think all gay people should follow his example and search out the one person that makes you happy and be with them, besides.... that book says the earth has four corners... I think we can make at least some updates!

Not quite there yet

There are times when I read a blog that will state being gay is not that big of a deal anymore. I will also read that most people will accept us or say nothing even if they have a problem with gay people. I really am rubbed the wrong way when it is on a straight blog or in an article that states we have everything straight people have and should stop complaining. I find however it only takes a moment of shopping to have cold water thrown on me as to how much I am 'not' a part of society. Just trying to get a card to give to Dave for our one year anniversary is a feat in itself. I went to two different stores and I quickly saw that I am not even on the customer radar screen. All the cards are geared towards a woman giving her man a card. They all say from wife or girlfriend to man, if they don't say it, then there is a picture of a woman on it. Why not have neutral cards with just happy anniversary. Same with a romantic gift, there is always an indication of man to woman or woman to man. The thing that frustrates me is if I go to a gay store, then everything has a pornographic tone to it and sometimes the moment is just suppose to be romantic. The same goes for any hotel package, trip etc. You never see a gay couple represented in any type of advertising unless in a gay setting. Still to this day if there is a gay couple in an ad, they are there for a laugh. I know some people will say lighten up it is only a joke. I just say back, would we laugh if the commercial used people of a minority race or religion as a stereotypical joke? I don't think so, I think most people would be uncomfortable with an ad like that. Some times I think we surround ourselves with people who support us and that can make us forget the real world, I just want to see a gay wal-mart or sears ad, do that and they would have my business over any other stores. However please don't make your company out to be a hero for doing it, that is like saying "look how good we are for doing what we should have been doing all along".

Today a friend let me down a little with her slip of ignorance. She was stepping around a question until I realised what she was trying to ask me. I said to her "are you trying to ask which one of us is the wife in this relationship!" I told her it does not work that way, maybe some relationships are kind of like that but from the people I know of, I can only think of two. I told her both Dave and I want a man, a husband not a wife. If I wanted a woman I would date a woman. She then went on to ask if I would take her to a gay bar for the experience, great I thought now we have become an 'experience', one where she could go and tell people about how open minded she is and how daring to venture into a gay bar. I explained they are the same as straight bars, a group of guys and girls dancing as friends only every now and then she may see two girls or two guys kissing, that even depends on the bar too. I was also disappointed in the amount of people that she told, I knew that she would be the friend to spill the beans but I had hoped I would not become the "did you hear about" news story in her circle of friends. Sometimes people can be such cliches sadly.

Two Faces of Steve

One year ago today I met Dave in person for the first time. I would enter a new world for myself after that meeting, a world where I was suppose to be. Dave was good, he knew how to handle someone unsure about how to come out and meet people. We had spoke on the phone and emailed up to this point, one day he just called and asked to go for coffee and said that after we could go to a gay bar. It was the best way to handle me, other wise I would have run going to a gay bar through my brain until the point of sweating like a rain shower. This way it would be easier to go in together after meeting at the coffee shop first. I did however really want to go to a gay bar by then.

We are going to celebrate our one year meeting on Sunday and slightly recreate our first date. However before I bore you with mush, I just want to be honest and say that it is not perfect, there are still problems. Some days I am not sure what is going to happen to us in the future and some days I can't see myself without him. I know for now however I really love the guy so we will keep moving forward with this relationship but sometimes I am wondering if I am settling. There is a lot I wish I could say here but out of respect I can't any more, Dave being someone that I care about, does not need to have his/our private lives put out on the net, it just would not be fair to him. I certainly have changed in my thinking lately and not in a good way, I think people would be shocked to know what I almost did. I don't feel that this blog is about my thoughts anymore, more like what I think people want to read and if I can't be honest in my thinking here, then what is the point of blogging. I will be celebrating with Dave but there is a whole other side that I leave out from here and I think that is just phony of me. It just became easier to write about the sunshine and roses stuff, that is why I think I am going to take a break from blog writing for a while, maybe a week or so.

Unbelievable

Here in Canada we had a tragic story unfold of a young twelve year old girl go missing, later her body was found and the search for a killer started. To every one's horror, it turned out to be her mother. It seems the mother's boyfriend told her to either get rid of the kid or he would leave. Any good mother would have held the door open for him and given him an extra boot on his way out. Instead this vile woman took her pretty little girl out into the country, pinned her down and strangled her with twine while she begged for her life. She then pulled down the girl pants to make it look like a rape and left her body in the ditch.

Here is where something like this ties into a gay blog. Many times straight people say that gay relationships are not valid or equal to their relationships because we can not procreate. I get so tired of that statement, not only because not all straight couples can have children but because it is no great feat to get pregnant. It is not some mystery of the heavens that God only divulged to straight people, it is not some grand formula that took years of study. It is more like tab 'A' is inserted into slot 'B' and then roll over and sleep for the rest of the night. As with the above story and many others like it, I think it shows that any boob can get knocked up, there is no great wonder here. If this lady had escaped prosecution and then married her boyfriend, does this make her relationship more valid than any gay couple?

There other statement thrown at us is, gay people should not adopt because they would not make good parents, the kids would grow up gay or confused. Never mind that almost all gay people were raised by straight people and that did not change us, lets just stick to the facts. The facts are that everyone should be judged as a person not as a group, yes there are gay people who should never be parents just like there are straight people who should never be parents. Would most parents not die for their child if they had too, the judge even said that from this day on, she has lost the right to call herself a mother. The statement that often gets me the most is some people say that even if the mother is neglectful, a child would be better off left with her than to be adopted by a gay couple, at this point I would like to remind those people of the above story, lying in the snow dying, I am sure that little girl would rather been with parents who loved her completely, either gay or straight.

Dream Life Better

We can't change the past but I wish I could, people always tell me we can't go back and I know that but... I wish that I could go back and find a backbone to change many things. Not so much things that happened, more like things that I did not let happen. People I would not allow myself to meet, words that I did not speak, phrases that I did not say. I'm stuck again, in that rut of feeling sorry for myself in how I let my life play out, or should I say how I let time run out. Lately it really gets me down, perhaps it is the dark winter months drawing out problems that are lying under the surface. People can tell me maybe I was meant to wait for Dave, or that I could have wasted my time dating a few Mr wrongs first. Is that not however the way life is suppose to work, we have some experiences and learn from them.

Some days I feel sorrow for the young man that never got to live his life, how I kept him hidden away in a closet. I think of how he wanted friends he could be close to, someone to love him and him to love back, how he just wanted to go out and dance. Nothing strange, no heavy drinking just to go out and dance with a group of his peers. He was a nice young man and he should have had his chance, however that time is past now.

I had a dream the other night and it makes me think this veil is lifting. I woke up from it feeling good about myself. I dreamt that I was back in high-school, one of my friends was asking if I was seeing anyone. I proudly answered, "yes I am" they asked who and without any fear I said "I'm seeing a guy in the city, his name is Dave". They were surprised and said "you mean you're gay"! I just calmly answered back "well yeah, didn't you know". That seemed to make them feel stupid for saying something they should have known. We just went on from there like nothing happened. Of course that is probably not how things would have turned out if I really told them back then but still the dream speaks volumes. Normally in a dream I would still deny that I am gay, this time it made me feel good to tell the truth and not scared. I smiled when I woke up because of the feeling I had in the dream, of being proud to be in a relationship with a man like Dave and without second thought I wanted that person to know. I think it all fits into me accepting being gay and it gets a little better each day.

The dream also helped in that it went back to my youth and felt as if I was repairing the damage of hiding, maybe not so much the damage of hiding but the damage of not living that part of myself. We can't change the past but maybe we can go back and change the nightmares from our past, maybe we can dream life better... and move on from there. Maybe that young man's chance is gone now but he can say to his older self, "its your turn, live your life for the both of us.

Gay Bonding

Speaking of bonding, that would be James Bond-ing, I just watched Casino Royale for the first time with Dave the other night. As gay men bonding... HAVE YOU SEEN THE ASS ON DANIEL CRAIG!!! We just sat there drooling. Never mind that I'm not a big Bond fan, never mind that I thought Dalton and Brosnan were too soft to play Bond, never mind that I think Craig just breathed life back into the Bond character... just look at that ass and the way those pants cling to that butt! O_O

We liked Craig so much in that role that we went out to see the new movie in theaters. We had just missed the start of the film so we will go back another day to catch it. Dave and I were talking after and I wondered out loud to Dave, would it not be cool if one day there was a bisexual Bond. Not only would he end up sleeping with all the hot women in the movie, but being such a player he would also end up with some of the hot guys that often appear in the movies. I think that gay men also have that attraction to the 'bad boys'. We also joked that anyone who sleeps with Bond always ends up dead but looking at Craig.... hey what a way to go!

One Day, One Year

This past weekend I spent with Dave (like most of my weekends now) because it was his birthday. Sadly our city picked this time of year to be asleep, entertainment wise that is. It also became bone-chilling cold so it was better to stay indoors and snuggle. We did have a good friend over for dinner Saturday, he like me, has only been out for a short time and it was fun to talk about the gay bloopers we both made. We also did some shopping Sunday and then I took Dave for his birthday dinner to a gay owned restaurant. The food and atmosphere were great but we were disappointed that it was a slow night because of the weather and we ended up being the only couple there. We wanted to be part of the herd, you know... sometimes we just want to be with other gay couples.

Today my Babe sent me an email from work, it was one of the ads I had put on line looking for gay friends, the date is a year ago today. This ad was my third attempt and I was about to give up. Little did I know that a super nice gay man was about to read it, feel a connection with me, contact me and offer a hand in friendship. The rest as they say is history, this would start a chain of emails and a few phone calls, later on February sixth we would meet in person for the first time, that evening I would have very strong feelings for someone I just met and that would kind of have me caught off guard. Dave had sent me a picture but I remember when he walked in and I saw him for the very first time, I thought 'wow he is so tall, I love tall guys'. He was easy to talk to and I felt relaxed with him. I can remember sitting there hanging on his every word, staring into his soft brown eyes and thinking he was such a nice down to earth kind of guy, the kind of guy I would love to date, I also remember thinking "he is perfect but a guy like him would never be interested in me".

The other thing that attracted me to him was his thoughtfulness, he was suppose to be a friend to help me experience gay life. We were on our way to my very first gay-bar visit, he was so understanding that he had us meet in a coffee shop first so that I did not have to go in alone. That spoke volumes to me about the kind of guy he is. I don't want to jump ahead too much here because I will probably blog about our first meeting again and also about when we decided to go out with each other. For now however I will take a moment and just think back to my message and to the lonely gay man who did not know he had just wrote the few sentences that would finally change his life towards the way he wanted to be living it.

My Secret Blog

I confess to you my readers that yes... I have another blog! I started one a few months ago, it involves a secret obsession I have, in fact it is one of the things Dave and I bonded over. He has had a liking for this, ummm shall we say... hobby for years as well. Okay perverts get your minds out of the gutter, it has nothing to do with chains, leather, sex, or anything to do with being gay. No I'm not telling you what it involves and no I'm not telling you the name of my other blog, mostly because you will laugh at me and also because I want to keep them separated. I talk about a hobby of mine but I do not talk about myself, I just did not want to get into the whole being gay and having a boyfriend and it is not the type of thing where you will find many gay people, or so I thought, I was just keeping it simple. How cool is this, I am starting to slowly attract readers, the second person who contacted me with a similar blog is a gay man living with his partner, I have not told him yet about myself and maybe I never will, also a woman who follows my blog then listed another blog she reads as well as mine, it is about a lesbian couple getting into the same hobby. That is so cool, watch out straight people...we are EVERYWHERE and we look just like YOU! Well for the most part that is, I mean there are a few lumberjacks in high heels.



P.S. Fuck you Dr Phil you dumb ass! Sorry had to get that off my chest.

In The Back Of My Mind

Accepting being gay seems to be a never ending story. I know I had no choice, I know this is who I am. I always believed that I was born this way as I have 'known' something was very different about me from the beginning. I am trying to do my best to live as a normal guy, that is a normal guy who just happens to also be gay. Every now and then however I hear something that hurts... deeply... no it is not some goof saying the word 'fag' or some religious nut spewing off at the mouth. It is when I hear something from a source that I thought I trusted. It seems that some Doctors believe that we may not be born gay but born with a gene that can trigger us being gay. That is why they say not all identical twins are both gay. Some are saying that to prevent this (being gay) young boys need to spend special time with their fathers, they said it does not matter what they do, but that the bond it formed with their male role model. Example being that if a boy likes to play with dolls or tea party, the father does not make him stop playing dolls but rather gets down on the floor and plays with the boy. Over time the child bonds with the father and this is suppose to keep the homosexual feelings from being triggered. I was shocked to see this also on Dr Phil, I thought he was big on helping people. It made me take a step back because I wondered if Phil would have a quack on his show.

This is another one of those arrows that pierces my very core. Back in circles again, about being gay, accepting myself as gay, feeling that I had no other choice. It hurts to think that maybe I could have been straight, with a wife, kids and all the other happy ever after story lines that go along with it. That was all I ever wanted, however now I finally started to accept that this is a version of life I will not have. To think only because of not being close to my Dad, if he had taken the time to just pay a little attention to me maybe things would be different. It is always there... in the back of my mind... my Dad never had any time for me, we were not close. He was a good Dad as in a provider for the family and he was solid, we always knew he would be there, but he was not affectionate, especially not to a son. It makes me wonder, do these people know this and try to take advantage of these situations, am I gay because my Dad would not let me get close to him, or did he not get close because he did not feel a connection with a son that was softer than other boys his age and had no interest in the same things.

I expected better from a show like Dr Phil. I guess I should have clued in that Phil is not about helping people like Oprah does when he showed up at the hospital with cameras in tow to make a scene with Spears, even when her family asked him to stay away. I even hear he is not an actual Dr because he ran into trouble for hiring one of his patience and then made a pass at her (or so she says). Even if they found a way to change people in their adult life, what am I suppose to do with this now, thank them for saying everything I struggled with is no longer valid, that finally being honest with myself was a waste, that I should say goodbye to my first love and find someone else, would they? Am I suppose to feel good about being call an accident or gay time-bomb, like a cell that turns cancerous or having DNA that causes me to have some genetic disorder later in life? Why change it anyway, if the trigger is there that turns some children gay, it must have a purpose in life, maybe to keep the population down, and no matter what you believe in regarding nature, God etc, you are tampering with something that probably was meant to be, I was meant to be.

Okay, being lazy again.

I'm being lazy about blogging again so here goes.


Little Holiday story........
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to - God - with
no actual address. So, he thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small
pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in
it, which was all the money I had until my next pension
payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of
my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you
are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all
the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and
came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the
rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the
workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would be able to share with her friends.

The Holiday came and went. ... A few days later, another letter came
from the same old lady & , again, it was addressed to God. All the
workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my
friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4
missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

Hope this made you smile, now I'm off to see my honey bunny! ;)

Just Joking.

Nothing much to say except I just saw something funny and I wanted to share. I was watching a comedy show and a woman was playing the role of a little girl. She sadly said to the crowd, "there are thousands and thousands of McDonald's restaurants in the world and you know how many cows have to die each day to supply those restaurants? Three!"

Happy New Year !

Happy New Year everyone! Hope your holidays were good. I'm around but not on the computer much these days so sorry for the silence. Nothing too exciting to report, just kind of cool to have someone special to share the holidays with. We went to a few dinner parties etc but mostly stayed around the city.

We did finish watching Six Feet Under after spending many evenings snuggled together on the couch when it was too cold out side. What a great show, as for the last few episodes I would just like to say WHAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa! Oh yes, we both cried like babies but I'll never admit that out loud! It really moves a person and makes you think hard about life... as in what 'is really' important and what is not. I think I have been stuck in this train of thought for the last three years so the show just fit into my way of thinking lately. Okay now I have to see what you guys have been up to on your blogs!