Tuesday, January 20, 2009

In The Back Of My Mind

Accepting being gay seems to be a never ending story. I know I had no choice, I know this is who I am. I always believed that I was born this way as I have 'known' something was very different about me from the beginning. I am trying to do my best to live as a normal guy, that is a normal guy who just happens to also be gay. Every now and then however I hear something that hurts... deeply... no it is not some goof saying the word 'fag' or some religious nut spewing off at the mouth. It is when I hear something from a source that I thought I trusted. It seems that some Doctors believe that we may not be born gay but born with a gene that can trigger us being gay. That is why they say not all identical twins are both gay. Some are saying that to prevent this (being gay) young boys need to spend special time with their fathers, they said it does not matter what they do, but that the bond it formed with their male role model. Example being that if a boy likes to play with dolls or tea party, the father does not make him stop playing dolls but rather gets down on the floor and plays with the boy. Over time the child bonds with the father and this is suppose to keep the homosexual feelings from being triggered. I was shocked to see this also on Dr Phil, I thought he was big on helping people. It made me take a step back because I wondered if Phil would have a quack on his show.

This is another one of those arrows that pierces my very core. Back in circles again, about being gay, accepting myself as gay, feeling that I had no other choice. It hurts to think that maybe I could have been straight, with a wife, kids and all the other happy ever after story lines that go along with it. That was all I ever wanted, however now I finally started to accept that this is a version of life I will not have. To think only because of not being close to my Dad, if he had taken the time to just pay a little attention to me maybe things would be different. It is always there... in the back of my mind... my Dad never had any time for me, we were not close. He was a good Dad as in a provider for the family and he was solid, we always knew he would be there, but he was not affectionate, especially not to a son. It makes me wonder, do these people know this and try to take advantage of these situations, am I gay because my Dad would not let me get close to him, or did he not get close because he did not feel a connection with a son that was softer than other boys his age and had no interest in the same things.

I expected better from a show like Dr Phil. I guess I should have clued in that Phil is not about helping people like Oprah does when he showed up at the hospital with cameras in tow to make a scene with Spears, even when her family asked him to stay away. I even hear he is not an actual Dr because he ran into trouble for hiring one of his patience and then made a pass at her (or so she says). Even if they found a way to change people in their adult life, what am I suppose to do with this now, thank them for saying everything I struggled with is no longer valid, that finally being honest with myself was a waste, that I should say goodbye to my first love and find someone else, would they? Am I suppose to feel good about being call an accident or gay time-bomb, like a cell that turns cancerous or having DNA that causes me to have some genetic disorder later in life? Why change it anyway, if the trigger is there that turns some children gay, it must have a purpose in life, maybe to keep the population down, and no matter what you believe in regarding nature, God etc, you are tampering with something that probably was meant to be, I was meant to be.


David said...

I wouldn't put too much stock in it. I've been with my Dad a lot longer than either of my mothers. To the point where I would yell, "I don't want to help you fix up the house," or, "Skin a deer? I'll pass." Sometimes it works. A lot of the times it doesn't.

Daniel Thomasson said...

I too wouldn't put too much stock in having a relationship with your father (or father-figure). I had both a father and step-father during my "formative" years.

I also don't put too much stock in Dr. Phil. He lost his license years ago for unethical behavior.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry that you are feeling this and trying to deal with it. You know you are gay because this is the way you were suppose to be....and I am...and David and Daniel.....this is us...we were meant to be this way....

john said...

It is a gene. It's DNA..

Walk away from idiots who say otherwise.

Birdie said...

Please listen to your heart before you listen to "experts." I believe our sexuality is on a continuum, and those whose attraction can be swayed are those who are already ambivalent, even as children. Yes, there will always be examples of men and women who, for one reason or another, moved from homo- to hetero-. Please note the millions who have not, who are further down the continuuum in their attraction to the same sex.

My brother was very close to our dad. David hated who he was until the day he died. If anyone had reason to switch, it was he. And he could not. He fought his genetic destiny and remained the man God made him to be. I wish he could have found peace in it.

Find the examples you wish to emulate, the gay men who are happy with who they are and their circumstances. Find reasons to be grateful you are gay. (Like Dave!) I know this is hard, and there will come times when it would be so much easier to be straight. I have seen that you have the character to withstand the conflict and in turn be the example to other men who struggle.

Be with people who love you for who you are now, as we do. Be at peace.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you are watching too much television, my friend. "Doctor" Phil is only in it for the ratings and no doubt chooses guests who say controversial things.

Don't lose sight of the fact that you *are* who you are meant to be. And those "happily ever afters" are as much an illusion for str8 folks as for the rest of us.


The Vice Buddha said...

You know whats spooky dude?

there is not a word there which doesnt so aptly fit on me.

My dad and I were never ever close, never. But yeah, we all knew he would be there anyway. Just that he is more like a stranger. My interaction with him during my school days was limited to his signing off my academic reports, and a few excursions with the family. And yet, we never spoke more than when acutely necessary.
But I m still thinking... is that what is responsible for my tring to find solace in the arms of a man?

Patrick said...

It's amazing, isn't it, how deep-seated those feelings of inferiority and uncertainty are. We make progress, we build good happy lives, but some moron can trigger those questions with a well-timed question. Can't believe someone out there is giving new life to the whole "distant father" nonsense, and someone like Dr. Phil is giving him a forum. Don't let it get you down, Pal. You're building the right life for you, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Anonymous said...

Your post really triggered something inside of you and has had me thinking now what youth was like for me. But I concur with what others before me have said. After such a personal entry, I think you said it well with the last five words of your post. ((((Steven))))