Monday, March 2, 2009

From in Awe, to "Oh Ewww!"

My ex came to town last week for a visit. For those who are new to this blog, I did date someone years ago before Dave, only I panicked and slammed myself back into the closet at the time. I managed to find my ex on line two years ago, I always wondered what happened to him. We have emailed back and forth a few times since then. He moved a world away and is doing really well for himself. I knew he would as he was a very smart man and entered into the tech world as it was taking off. He talked about how he met someone and they have been together for ten years, I talked about my hiding as I had not met Dave at that time. I was happy to have reconnected, I always felt bad at the way things ended and wanted to say sorry for basically taking off on him.

The emails soon however became inappropriate, they began to take on a sexual tone. I thought this odd for a man in a long term relationship and wondered if he was joking. If I mentioned it, he would say he was only joking and so I let it go, it was not the humor that I remembered from him however.

This week he came to my city and even though he knows I'm with Dave, the emails took on a 'hook-up' tone, actually almost desperate to the point where they began to feel creepy. He told me that he had a "special" friend in every city as his job sends him all over the world. I was hurt because I realized that the reason he wanted to meet was mostly to have a "F*buddy" in this city. I suddenly had the thought, if he has become this stereotypical gay manwhore, then he will have an ad on craigslist, and so I checked. I felt something sink inside me, there it was, an ad for strange guys to come over to his hotel room and he listed the things he wanted them to do to him, he even had the nude picture.

I suddenly did not want to meet with him and backed out of our dinner, I felt gross inside, I had this image in my head where he would try to plant me with a greeting kiss after using that mouth to service a group of sweaty strangers. I would not even want to hug him. I had a feeling he would be making suggestive jokes all night, only I would know for sure by then that he would be serious. That part of my life is over now, that young man I once dated died when I saw the craigslist ad, I don't know this guy that he has become. It makes me wonder sometimes, how we can get caught up in this gay world and what happened to turn him this way. The man I met years ago I had so much respect for, this man he has become is... well I don't want to place judgement on him but I will say this, I am really worried about him, because I know that other sweet person is still in there somewhere and I feel something bad will happen sooner or later.

I should probably say I'm not a prude but there is a difference with having a hook up buddy and sleeping with every easy craigslist guy in all the cities you travel to.


r. said...

Hi Steven!

I think I would've done the same if I were in your position, backing out from the dinner date. People change, sometimes not for the better. The one I feel sorry for isn't him, but his lover at home, if he's still in a relationship that's.

Anonymous said...

Well done Steven, you did the right thing.

Jay said...

For me, I can't say the Craigslist idea never crossed my mind, but in the end I just backed off, knowing that it's not what I won't regret over.

People make choices and for most of the time I don't judge, just because in the end the judgement gets passed back on myself. And if I were you in this case, I'd probably just back out and say "sorry, that's not what I am looking for."

Vic Mansfield said...

The many faces of gay. I fight (mostly winning) against old compulsions for sex. So, I understand your "friend's" actions.

I hope I would be wise enough to choose as you did. I fear sometimes I would not.

Bravo to you!

john said...

Good for you, backing out. I think that some people may use sex to fill in the voids that are in their life, a quick sort of satisfaction.

Wayne said...

It is true. People change, and not always for the better.

Anonymous said...

You did the right thing Steven. But remember there's just as many heterosexuals doing the same thing. So don't think it's a gay thing. And I share your sentiments of not even wanting to hug him after what you know. You are above that. :-)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Robert: I also wonder about his boyfriend but I suspect there is some agreement between them.

Peter: Thanks, I just wish it turned out different.

Jay: I understand and I am not trying to judge, I have an open mind about a lot of things, my problem is also the fact of pretending to be a friend when he wanted something else.

Joe: The difference is you are being honest about it. I have nothing against sex but being at the point where you become an open door for everything in every city is gross.

John: I wonder about the same thing! Why would a man who is doing really well for himself turn to such a lifestyle, is it to counteract stress.

Wayne: Sadly you are correct, he was good to me and I wanted to find out he was doing great, in some ways he is but in other ways...

Steven: I agree there are straight people who do the same but there is that part of gay culture that people seem to get into, it is hard to explain without making some gay people mad but I think most will understand what I am trying to say.

Anonymous said...

Sex makes us feel great, but it can make us feel pretty awful, too, because we grow up with these messages about it being wrong. I think some choose it to fill some void (no jokes intended, and yet...), to quiet something, maybe...only it never quite works out.

I'm sorry you didn't have the sort of reunion you were hoping for, my friend.

Will said...

You didn't quote his messages to you but I sense there may have been a tone that because you had a relationship previously, he had a right to you. IF that is true, then your revulsion is certainly more than understandable. You played it by your own standards which is the best thing you could have done.

Birdie said...

We choose to live the life that gives us what we need. The two of you no longer have lives in common, and that's okay. We don't know if your ex has an open (and honest) relationship or not, so let be. It's not what you want, and backing out is the right thing for you. Be true to your own needs, without apology. I'm sorry that it wasn't what you'd hoped it would be.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Greg: I think as well that something must be missing in his life, or that is just my take on it and he finds this way of meeting guys exciting.

Will: You guessed correct, I think that is what upset me the most, the fact that he was trying to have me as just another body to warm his bed and that he could care less about meeting an old friend.

Birdie: I'm sorry too, I would have been happier for him if I found out that he maybe did not do so well career wise but had a really great loving relationship. I worry also that he was pulled into that life style and has become addicted to the 'no strings' sex.