Saturday, February 28, 2009
I am not perfectly comfortable with being gay but from my understanding, most gay people are not and it is a constant process. Emailing a blog friend made me realize something. I'm in a much better place now and it came suddenly from where I was before. I can rent a gay movie, buy a book about gay issues and go into gay places of business, without having that panicked feeling. I don't look over my shoulder, feel that I'm being watched or have moments where I felt I did something terrible wrong. I don't expect to wake up the next morning and read in the news paper about how I was spotted buying a gay magazine or entering a gay bar. There is no more fear of a TV reporter running up to me and announcing to the entire world that I am gay. I still do have a slight uneasiness and can give a little catch in my breath from time to time when doing something in public regarding being gay but mostly that is gone in minutes, I no longer go home and worry all night if someone saw me. Now at times I even grin to myself at the thought of someone seeing me who does not know yet and other times I just think "I don't have time for this, it is none of their business". I remember always being angry at the gay people who said the more you come out, the more freedom you will have. I used to think they just did not understand me, I wanted just one person to give me all kinds of good reasons not to come out. I understand now that it is true what gay people have been saying, of course you have to pick the right people and the right moment but coming out at least in some form is better than hiding. I did not think gay people understood me when saying to come out, I just did not stop to realize that they were speaking from experience after seeing both sides and they knew which life was better. Thinking back to that guy and seeing where I am now makes me smile, when things don't seem to be going gaily forward, I just need to look back two years and think "wow how did I make it here".