Saturday, February 28, 2009

Smile

I am not perfectly comfortable with being gay but from my understanding, most gay people are not and it is a constant process. Emailing a blog friend made me realize something. I'm in a much better place now and it came suddenly from where I was before. I can rent a gay movie, buy a book about gay issues and go into gay places of business, without having that panicked feeling. I don't look over my shoulder, feel that I'm being watched or have moments where I felt I did something terrible wrong. I don't expect to wake up the next morning and read in the news paper about how I was spotted buying a gay magazine or entering a gay bar. There is no more fear of a TV reporter running up to me and announcing to the entire world that I am gay. I still do have a slight uneasiness and can give a little catch in my breath from time to time when doing something in public regarding being gay but mostly that is gone in minutes, I no longer go home and worry all night if someone saw me. Now at times I even grin to myself at the thought of someone seeing me who does not know yet and other times I just think "I don't have time for this, it is none of their business". I remember always being angry at the gay people who said the more you come out, the more freedom you will have. I used to think they just did not understand me, I wanted just one person to give me all kinds of good reasons not to come out. I understand now that it is true what gay people have been saying, of course you have to pick the right people and the right moment but coming out at least in some form is better than hiding. I did not think gay people understood me when saying to come out, I just did not stop to realize that they were speaking from experience after seeing both sides and they knew which life was better. Thinking back to that guy and seeing where I am now makes me smile, when things don't seem to be going gaily forward, I just need to look back two years and think "wow how did I make it here".

18 comments:

Todd X. said...

Great work. Keep your chin up and never let the bastards get you down. :)

Anonymous said...

lovely post

David said...

I am amazed at how far you've come. I remember when you used to be a "secret" of another blogger we both know!

john said...

It's a process and I've realized this...and I have to keep realizing that I'm a a work in progress and will continue to be for the rest of my life.

The Vice Buddha said...

Well! I do not know yet whether i made the rihgjht decision or not, but even after being a bisexual (which wasn't too difficult to hide!) I actually told my entire friend circle (like.. 8 of them! Rest, i dont call friends still!) .. and boi they were amazingly cool with it. I now share my experiences with them and it liberates me. At 24, I have a handful of people who wouldn't shun me for being into guys!

Although, it would have been so much easier on them if i hadn't told them. They wouldn't have ever guessed anyway considering the fact that I have also dated one amongst themselves... But when i think of the future, I really cannot place a bet on what would happen!

Jay said...

It still itches from time to time.

Like I was teaming up with a kid today in sports (we are all regular and we've teamed up a few times before). At times I remind myself should I keep some distance? And I figured what went on my mind was the fear of "people would say oh this guy is gay so he's approaching the kid". But if I stay aloof, will they say "he's cold, not talking to anyone, and all because he's gay"? It just doesn't make sense, but it makes me feel bad.

A Troll At Sea said...

Steve-O:

Some wise guy once said that the truth would set you free; I think you have more or less experienced that for yourself.

We less inspired people describe such experiences as being "engraved in our flesh." There is just no way around it. The sad part is that you cannot share that experience with anyone else; we all have to experience it for ourselves.

I guess that's true of any significant experience--the hardest part of bringing up children is having to let them make their own mistakes.

Cheers
T@C

Patrick said...

It does feel better when life opens up around us, doesn't it. I think it's easy to focus only on whatever obstacles before us now, the new things that seem insurmountable. It's good to remember all the old 'impossible' blocks we overcame in the past. Thanks for that reminder. And congrat's on all the work you've been doing.

Bear Me Out said...

How did you do it? By being real, authentic . . . . by being YOU. And that's pretty good stuff!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

ToddX: Welcome and thanks for the support, Todd I don't know you well enough to be a smarty pants with you but I'm thinking a bad joke in my head about eating snow and something to do with the colour yellow! XD

aron2631: Thank you! Am I wrong or did you not have a blog at one time?

David: Hey buddy, I know it is kind of nuts, I remember when you wanted to email me the stories, I was all paranoid and kept asking 'you know who' what you were up to and if you were a crazy computer stalker, of course it all worked out when you said that you only stalk people in your own home town... wait should I have wrote that?

John: You are another one who went from zero to a hundred, good for you buddy, getting a boyfriend and everything!

The Vice Buddha: I have a soft spot for people who are bisexual, it was hard enough for me to figure out where I was going and I knew 100% that I was gay, I find (not all) bi people spent a lot of time confused as to where they belong and I really feel for them.

Jay: True, I used to worry if I get close to someone will they think "he was trying to put a move on me" and if I keep them at arms length they will say "why was he so cold, who does he think he is".

Troll: I agree, it is just something we have to go through and if lucky we get stronger from it.

Patrick: It does help to look back, when I think of the crazy thoughts I used to have about being exposed or how to hide being gay, I have to shake my head now and wonder at how obsessed I was over hiding being gay.

Joe: Pretty good stuff for sure, just like your big step!

David said...

...I remember when you wanted to email me the stories...

Before any of you guys get any further with your ideas they were not those kinds of stories.

...it all worked out when you said that you only stalk people in your own home town...

I do not stalk people in my home town! First of all, my "town" has a blinking yellow light as the only traffic signal in miles. So that gives you and idea just how small a place it is. The interesting people are in the next town over. J/k. I don't do that. Really, I don't.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

David: "I don't do that" as in 'anymore'??? What was that you used to say "its not stalking if you don't follow them home"!!! O_O

(Just like to take a moment to point out to everyone that David is not a stalker and his only crime is being a sci-fi geek, which actually makes him kind of cool in my books)

Robert said...

Absolutely lovely Steven!

The years will only get easier... if you want it.

xo, r

Wayne said...

Yes, it's a progress you have to experience for yourself.

Steven said...

The greatest feeling is when you make those realizations at those particular moments you describe. Stay steady the course, Steven! :-)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Robert: I think it gets easier as I begin to understand that it is no ones business who I am with, and easier also because I now see that most people don't actually care as much as I thought they would.

Wayne: I agree, it just took me a little longer than some. ;)

Steven: True, and I think for people coming out it is important to look back and take stock.

james said...

I know exactly that feeling. It's the feeling of going on vacation with someone you're dating and never being comfortable enough to let your guard down because you're always thinking that the cousin of yours who lives in that area may be right there, or constantly going over in your head what to tell people from work if you meet one of them while out with a date or boyfriend. It's being silent when you would otherwise have something to say.

I haven't been reading your blog for a long time, but please keep it up; it's an inspiration to me to break thru the fear.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

James: Yes the exact same feelings and I still get them from time to time but I deal with them much better now. Don't you find that when you are out in public, it is more than likely that you will meet someone you know! My first date with Dave, we stepped out of the coffee shop and standing there looking at me was my first cousin's husband!
You don't read my blog that much anymore!!!! Tsk! Tsk! James I'm really hurt, nah just kidding. ;)