Saturday, May 30, 2009

About the gay thing.

I just have not had time to be gay, I have not had time to be Steven, there are many days were I don't even stop to eat. My days are filled with other more demanding things and sometimes I just fall into bed at night really exhausted. I do get to talk to Dave once or twice a week and he is very understanding having lost his mother less than two years ago.

I think the "gay" part of me wanted some attention as it came out in the craziest of dreams last week. In taking a break from hospitals etc, I thought this is the only place where people could laugh at this dream or at least understand it.

In my dream I was at my parents house, I was getting ready to go to the hospital as everyone else was already there. I ran down the basement stairs to get my boots and there sitting on the steps, completely naked was Tom Cruise. In the dream not only was he naked (the younger hotter version of Tom) but he was also..... how should I say this... he was stroking his top gun and was excited to show me the money (shot). I looked at him in shock, he turned to me and said "sorry but I didn't think you would mind, you know what it is like having to hide being gay and everywhere else I go you know the paparazzi will be waiting for me. I figured it would be more private here". He wanted me to watch as that was part of the excitement for him and so I did, well you probably would have too!

I woke up and thought "where the heck did that come from?" I guess it has something to do with putting my other life on the back burner. The funny thing is that I'm not really a Tom fan, I mean I will watch a movie that he is in but I never really think about him, there are many actors I would like to have found in my basement. Still let me just say that Tom was in very nice shape and built as well. ;)

Silly post I know but I just needed to think of something other than hospitals, cancer and stress. I have learned to give myself a day or two of happy thoughts so that I can go back and take on the day to day challenges that my family is going through.


Anonymous said...

It's been a while . . . .concerned for your family, father, and for you too. Know that there are people thinking and praying for you.

LOL hey, if I had that dream I would stay and watch too! Sounds like it was a little bit of time for you to just be you. I say next time you go to bed start with "Tom Dream Part Two" . . .or any other guy of choice! :-)

Jess said...

Well, I'm no psychologist, but maybe your mind was just taking you back to better days, as well as providing a fun distraction. Back in the days when Tom was really hot (and none of us knew what an arrogant nutcase he really is), the ones you love were healthy and he was something hot to think about. So maybe it was a dual-purpose escape. Hot fun in a better time (at least better in some respects, even if you weren't living life to the fullest then).

Please do what you can to take care of yourself. You can't change the situation you and your family are facing, but it's important to remember to eat, sleep and take care of yourself. I know that's a lot easier to say than do (I lost both of my parents to long illnesses, and I know what it can do to you), but you really have to remember to protect your own health. Letting yourself get malnourished, exhausted and/or sick isn't going to help anything!


Java said...

It is good to hear from you. I'm sorry things are so stressful right now. Pop back in occasionally with updates if you think of it, and if you have a chance.

big hugs, Steven

A Troll At Sea said...


when the going gets tough, all kinds of crazy shit turns up. Your dream of the Nutcase Dreamboat seems to fit the bill.

Hang in there.

Birdie said...

Give yourself time to breathe and grieve. It is not a selfish thing to find a way to step back for a moment and regain strength, including having fun with Dave. It is every bit as much a need as grief. You and your family are still in my prayers.

Vic Mansfield said...

What a hoot! Tom Cruise, no less. Who'd a thunk it.

We all need to take breaks. Thanks for taking one with us. You and your dad are in prayers.

You haven't put away the gay thing, it's showing up in your loving, caring, being there.

Take care of yourself.

Will said...

Now, be honest--did you go down and check if it was really true?

Of course you need a break. We've all been concerned not to have heard for so long. Just know that I and everybody here sends love and all our best.

And can I suggest that you find the odd moment to call Dave once or twice more each week? For your sake, for his sake, and for the sake of that wonderful thing called Steve&Dave.

john said...

Been wondering how you were doing, and how the family was doing.
Will keep you and yours in my prayers. Always have, always will.

Steven said...

Glad to see that you are keeping "days of happy thoughts" during these days of high tension and stress. Keep the strength. Steven. (((((Steven)))))

Greg said...

What a fun dream! If only we could DVR such things, eh?

Glad to see some words from you again, my friend. You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers. Be strong for them, but find peace and a little fun for yourself, too.