The last few days felt great, I did not post because there are a number of things rolling around in my head at the moment and it is hard to pick one, put it down and not make this post appear jumbled. Well here comes jumbled, sorry I will probably jump around here so try to keep up. The last few days have been spent talking with my friend who came out to me. Mostly making plans, we did not actually go to a gay bar. The reason was since we did not get home until almost three, we were drained the next day, most people over 30 will understand this. We were going to go the following day but the area is suddenly gripped by wicked snow and ice storms so we decided to wait.
Last week through the wonder of You Tube, I found a cool video of a song I like by the band Filter, called Take A Picture (click on link to hear the song if you want), they are not gay but many lines of this song speak to me, "I feel like a new born" for example but the lines I like the best are "could everyone agree that no one should be left alone" and "could everyone agree that they should not be left alone". I really believe that, no one should be alone, whether it is a relationship with man-woman, man-man, woman-woman or trans-man/woman, as long as everyone has someone to love and love them in return, the thought of any of my friends in the real world or blog-land alone makes me sad, and that includes myself. My friend Lyn is now in the same place that I am coming out of, she is wondering why she hid for so long and is mad at society for making her feel like she had to hide and now has missed a part of her youth that she can never reclaim. Why can't people just agree that no one should be left alone. If they have a problem with gay people then just stay away but don't interfere with our lives. I really believe when people say they are trying to help us by changing us or pressuring us into false marriages, it is just to get us out of their sight. They don't want to have to deal with anything that is a little more complicated than the usual, most people are afraid of seeing outside the box, yes that phrase is used all the time now but their idea of outside the box is very ironically still inside the box!
We both wonder why we were so afraid to come out, I felt more ashamed than afraid. We both have to work through this and it will help to have each other. The strange thing is we knew that we could trust each other but still hid from one another. There were also some mutual friends that we could have told but for both of us we were only obsessed with hiding. She had gay friends while I had lesbian friends and yet we never told them, in fact we were a little afraid of them. I joked with her that we can swap friends, she had a good laugh at the story of me in a house full of women and said I should have taken her along. I told her that was the real reason I did not like the gay couple, I see it now, it was because I was afraid their gay-dar would go off and point towards me. The whole pointless thing to this hiding is that most of our family and friends were already sure and loved us anyways. Once you hit thirty and have never dated or were even interested in a relationship, people will suspect.
Lyn has been filling me in on some interesting updates about people. One of note was a younger friend of mine, I said to her that I know he will have a bad reaction when he hears I am gay as he had a bad reaction to another friend of his. She laughed and said don't worry that he changed his attitude so much that he was the best man at his friend's gay wedding. She also told me something that made me a little sad, a guy that I knew and was friendly with but passed away at a young age, may have been bisexual. I felt sad that we could have become friends and it would have been great to have a good guy like him as someone to talk to, now I will never have the chance to know.
It is hard to say much now as everything is in process of who else we tell what we are going to do etc. I have also met someone through my ad that I placed, I don't really want to say much now until I see where this goes, no point in building up a story that is not really there. A lot to think about. I just hope it stops snowing enough to let me go and be gay, because I agree with the song, I don't want to be left alone.
Monday, December 3, 2007
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I don't think you'll ever be completely alone!
MAN, I would kill to be in all that wintery goodness! I LOVE SNOW! I miss it. We dont get much of anything here. It just gets cold, and thats about it. Some years are better than others but I'm hoping this year we get a BUTT LOAD!!! I love filter, the song "picture" Is my favorite song they did. I had their first two CDs and it was by far my favorite.
Hey Steven, Thanks for your encouraging words on my last post. It would be awesome if the ex and I got past all the hurt and anger and became great friends again. Things are definitely looking up on that front. My family is another story... I hope to get to know more about you as I get more into the blogs. Take care. Alex
Maybe back then, it just wasn't the time for you both to come out... Try not to think about what was lost, but be glad about where you are today! :-)
Take care Steven!
Coming out, who to tell, when to tell, is never easy, but at least you have taken the first steps into not being alone.
It takes me a long time to recover from a late night, so I totally know where you're coming from.
If people want us to disappear, they could just give us the same rights they enjoy and let us live our lives. We'd blend in with society. People are doing the opposite, though, so I don't know what their motivation really is. I totally agree that many people can't deal with stuff outside the norm.
I'm really glad for you both that you found out about each other. Having someone else to talk to, lend encouragement, bounce ideas off of, dispute irrationalities, etc., will make exploring your outness so much more fun and rewarding. It's mostly downhill from here. It sounds like a series of social events is in order to introduce each other to new friends.
Here's to not being alone anymore.
steven sooooo much of this is true, no one should be alone, people SHOULD just leave other people alone, society forces us to fit into molds that may not necessarily be what or who we are...marriage for instance, back in the 70's thats what you did, get married have kids, don't talk about what your feeling, just do what people think you should do, the kids today have it so much better, there are times where i feel that even though i have 2 great kids, that i have wasted a life that i cannot reclaim.....but anyways this is a great post and really happy things are going ok for you...your a sweetie and deserve it buddy
I have always had a thing for the song but was the first time I saw the video. Thanks!
You'll only be as alone as you let yourself be and feel.
So you guys are getting pummeled too huh? This whole snow business is crazy. Takes me 5 minutes instead of 2 to get anywhere.
John, I hope not but that is one of my fears, growing old alone.
Justin, you are a sick sick man and I am sending you all this snow, tell me where you live?
I just read Filter is about to release another cd.
Alex, hey new kid on the block or I mean blog! Good luck with the ex I hope it works out.
Robert, yes that is one thing we talk about, they were different times then so we have to forgive ourselves for that.
Stephen, ah yes and you are in the same place, it is still so hard since we never know how someone will react.
Doug, one of my other regrets is that I saw you around in blog land often and was too shy to contact you sooner, I realize I have missed out on a great blog buddy.
Dave, so you also have to work on forgiving yourself. When you grew up society was nasty to gays, you would have been thought of as a pervert and mentally ill, I think you were trying to do the best you could.
Erik, some people choose to be alone because they think it will be better, like I did for a while but really it is worse.
Yep we are getting snow up to our eye balls, now where did I put that shovel!
I like what Robert said. There just seems to be that right time. And it seems as though your time has come. You and Lyn still have a lot to learn about each other and about others. Your circle of friends and potential opportunities will grow; sooner than you expect.
How fun for you. Things are moving right along.
it sounds like things are going your way.
I have no words of wisdom to offer as everyone's different but thinking back to when I was in the same place as you are now, things started to pick up really fast. It soon seemed that my friends had forgotten they thought I was ever straight, I suddenly knew quite a lot of gay people (as I've mentioned before, you meet one who introduces you to someone else etc). Before I knew it, time had whizzed by and I was suddenly gay. Actually really, happily proud to be gay, and me!
Good luck matey - we're all readingly avidly, waiting for your next installment.
Rather than regretting your past, just try not to repeat it. You are a good man. Be good to yourself, and it will help you be good to others. You have come such a long way in a short amount of time, and you have much to offer the world...and a special someone. I love ya! You have a wonderful heart. Now get out there and throw snowballs like a girl!
This song brought me right back when I was 16 and have just moved to the US.
Anyway, I'm really glad that you and Lyn have each other to confide to now. Like Robert said, maybe before it wasn't time for you and Lynn to come out.
Easier said than done, but at least you have the present to look forward to. I get like that sometimes when I feel I missed out by not coming out to my friends when were in the military together and only told them when either them or I was leaving. I was surprised when they told me they could have cared less, and I regret it sometimes that I wasn't being the complete person I should have been with them. But what can ya do but move on, and learn from it. With me, the big step will be telling my dad. He's on the other side of the country and I'm hoping to tell him before the year's over at least. I won't see them until June 08, if I do go home but will see.
I do agree that no one should be left alone. Yeah, I don't get that whole thing if folks just have a problem with gays, they would just leave us alone rather than getting all up in our bizzz!!
Steven, things are starting to open up for us and it is nice to have a close friend that can relate.
Daddy c, I sure hope so!
Darth, just hearing how others go about their lives is what I need so you help me a lot whether you know it or not.
Bill, thanks buddy I am trying to be gay as fast as I can, haha! How did you know I throw like a girl!;)
Kris, well you can't feel bad, in my view you are way ahead of me by a life time! You should only feel proud of coming out so young, so brave of you.
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