Wednesday, November 28, 2007

In Gay-land News

I am trying to do more regarding being gay than just the blog world and telling straight friends. Blog land has been great, I met a lot of people who have really helped me feel comfortable about myself, this gave me that push to start to come out to my friends. I know it is not enough, it is like living in a gay storybook sometimes, I read about gay life, become interested in the characters but in the end I am still alone. I have met some really great people through my blog, for those of you that have wanted to chat, my apologies for not accepting your offer, please don't take it personally but for some reason I hate chatting. I find it cumbersome, I feel I can't get my thoughts out properly or fast enough, I feel a slight disconnect and I am uncomfortable without my spell-check. Really I'm also too lazy to enjoy all that typing. The only thing I use is Google talk, so easy, down load it in a split second put on your headset and your ready! If you have Gmail and a headset you are good to go. Also I feel if I spend a lot of time on the computer with cyber friends, that discourages me from meeting real world friends.

I need to have gay people around me, just to have that brotherhood feeling, someone who would understand if I said during a movie "Matt Damon is cute" and they would node their head or disagree but both ideas would come from the same place as my statement came from. Last week I put my profile on a local site that serves the GLBT community (does that not sound like a hamburger, better hold the mayo). I made it clear I was looking for friends and not a hook-up. After a day I received a response from someone who was interested, we had a lot in common, he just wanted to meet as a friend as well. I was so excited, my hands were shaking I was thinking, finally I was going to meet another gay man, maybe have a gay friend. I emailed back and said I was interested in meeting and getting to know him. That was last weekend, he never replied back. I don't understand what gay men want, why contact me in the first place. Why do gay men walk around like lost souls, saying they are lonely, that the culture is shallow but when someone extends their hand in friendship, you get a cold shoulder. This is my second attempt, the first one no one responded but to be honest I later realized it was a place for mostly hook-ups. I am starting to get the feeling that in each city the only thoughtful good gay guys are the ones that start up a blog and that is why blog-land has so many sweet guys. I will give this more time, there must be a gay guy in this city that would like to have a loyal friend.

On the thought that karma will keep coming around on a person, I find myself in a funny situation. I actually don't believe in karma, I just use it as a saying. I do believe God puts people in situations for a reason, no matter how big or small. I will be going on a date to a Christmas party this Friday, it is however with a girl, she did not want to go alone so I am rescuing her. The strange thing is that at this party there will be close friends who I wanted to tell next, they will all be in the same room I can do it all in one shot! The even stranger thing is that there will be a gay couple attending also. It is the couple that I have mentioned before that I knew of, who make me feel very uncomfortable. Of all the gay men in this city to be stuck in a room with, it would have to be them. I guess this will be my test, all the high ideals I have been spouting here, lets see if I am as comfortable as I pretend to be on this blog. I have to be open minded about this, it has been almost ten years since my last exposure to them and I am sure they must have grown since then. I found them a bit over the top and dramatic before but I was also a major closet case. In fairness to them, they are a couple that have been together for almost sixteen years, and I am told this is like eighty three in straight years (actually I hate it when people say that). I also know of twice where they really came through for their friends with helping them get jobs while down on their luck. I hope I see them in a new light, maybe we will become good friends, this is crazy who knows and I give up on fighting this, I will take it that if life has placed me in this situation I will run with it, I mean like maybe get lush-ed up enough to come out to everyone at this party, the thought at the moment does not scare me, it makes me laugh. Probably that night I will be scared sh**less, I may have to wear diapers, depends.


S said...

"Why do gay men walk around like lost souls, saying they are lonely, that the culture is shallow but when someone extends their hand in friendship, you get a cold shoulder."

Two reasons:

1. They're really just looking for sex, not friendship.

2. They're idiots.

Darth Gateau said...

Good luck on your 'date'. Even if the gay couple aren't exactly your cup of tea, they might be useful people to get to know as they'll have friends who have friends who have friends... That's a whole lot easier than meeting people you don't know in bars etc. you get to be introduced by people you kind of know and it doesn't feel so awkward.
I'm sure you'll be fine. Tell your friends. Don't tell your friends. Remember, it's all up to you. There are no rules and it's your game anyway.

Doug said...

The top 3 rules when dealing with connection sites are: "patience, patience, and patience." People are strange, and that's especially true on those sites. But I have met some very good friends through and similar places, so they're out there.

Darth has a great point: the gay couple may or may not be friends for you, but they know people who might be great friends for you.

Also, if they were invited to the party, you know at least the host(s) of the party have an open mind.

Jess said...

actually I hate it when people say that

So do I. I never snap at anyone who says it, but I just don't agree. It is a stereotype that says we can't commit. The truth is, I know lots of guys in long-term, healthy relationships, including me and Marc (12+ years).

Don't worry too much about the guys who don't respond (and the one who did and then flaked out). You may not be looking in the right place. Yes, there are plenty of assholes out there, but that's people in general. There are great ones, terrible ones and everything in between.

There are lots of ways to meet guys. Online sometimes works. Meeting through blogs sometimes works. On the other hand, maybe you should check personal ads (around here, there are ones for making friends as well as getting dates) or get involved with a local gay group. Is there an advocacy group in your area? Perhaps you should start there.

A few years ago, we got involved with a group in our area that helps young gay people. We did this, because we wanted to do good things for our community, but we've wound up making some good friends, too.

K said...

Don't worry about the flakes....they are all over the place and we all have to deal with them at one point or another.

Good luck on this holiday party coming up though. I feel like it is gonna be a really positive experience for you to be around that gay couple again....along with all the friends that you want to eventually come out to.

daveincleveland said...

this could be your opportunity to shine....that gay couple could be the start of something for you by introducing you around, perhaps, once you tell them, and good luck on your date......should be a good time.....and buddy, don't worry, just relax and enjoy, knowing in your mind that you are in process of becoming who you were really meant to be

TWISI said...

"K" hit the nail on the head. I think being around others is what you need and will make it all easier for you.

Daddy Cool said...

Hello there!

Just stumbled upon your blog recently. I think one of things that helped me early on was to realize that just because someone is gay doesn't necessarily mean that I'll be automatic friends with them. The gay community is a microcosm of the world at large and we wouldn't expect to be instant friends with every stranger. It takes time to find people you click with.


Topher said...

A year later after having moved here in DC, I've yet to find genuine friends so understand about the whole brotherhood thing. It takes time so one has to be really patient I guess.

I'm kinda excited for you going to that Christmas party. Maybe it'll be different now with those two gay guys. There might be a reason that of all the gay folks, you'll end up with them. Like you said, you'll see them in a different light and it'll be nice if you all end up being friends.

Just be you and the rest would hopefully fall into place. You seem like a cool guy :)

john said...

You'll find those friends that you need to get you through coming out completely.
Don't worry. You aren't the only one looking. I'm also looking for a tangible set of people that I can just sit around having lunch with.

Robert said...

Don't let one, or one thousand apples ruin the bunch. heh! Things aren't always what they appear to be! ;-)

Regardless, have fun this Friday.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Steven, so you are telling me, according to my female friends, they are just like straight men!

Darth, I will honestly just see how I feel, if I am comfortable I may tell, if not then no way.

Doug, I need to remember patience, sometimes I get in such a hurry to be gay, I want everything to work out and yesterday is not fast enough.

Jess, wow 12 years, I love hearing personal stories like that. I thought if I could find a few gay friends first, then it would not be so hard to walk into a group alone. I never thought of taking out an ad, true probably less likely to get flakes through the news paper.

K, hey buddy, you are another super nice gay guy that needs to get his butt out there! You're going to make some young guy a great boyfriend! Thanks for the support. ;)

Dave, I feel pretty good about tonight, I am not going to put any pressure on myself, what ever happens, will happen.

Kendall, I will know most of the people there tonight and they are all good people, so either way it should be a fun time.

DC, welcome, always nice to see a new face! Congrats on the little guy, another gay Dad that is cool! You are right, I had this idea that once I started to come out, there would be this welcoming party, instead I got more like "meh, been there already", true I have to find people like me.

Kris, hey another new face, welcome! You are right I need to wait it out, just that I feel like I waited long enough but that is my fault not every other gay person. Oh and I am a really cool person! Hahaha! XD

John, so many times I take your friendship for granted and forget to thank you a thousand times for making me feel good enough about myself to start the process of coming out.

Robert, welcome to my little home, I like the artistic flare to your blog. I know I can't judge every gay person by a few jerks that I meet, just that when I get frustrated I blog, which makes me feel better, then I clear my head and move on. I am not as tortured as I sometimes seem to be.

Patrick said...

I think you're already considering this possibility, but you might also find that the gay couple just don't bother you as much as they did ten years ago. Things that made you nervous or uncomfortable then may no longer be a part of your thinking. Or, the things that do bother you about them will no longer feel like a statement about YOU, it will just something that could bug you about anyone. DaddyCool mentions that funny moment a lot of us have when we realize we don't have to befriend every gay person we meet. I had to make a similar discovery when I realized I didn't have to feel personally responsible for every gay man. Once I realized I was free to disagree with other gay guys, it became much more rare for me to feel embarrassed by them.

Wayne said...

Another site to try is
I just sent you an invite!
May not be any better than some of the others, but it does seem to be more "friend" oriented.
And yes, there are a LOT of gay jerks out there as well. Just be patient, and you'll meet some nice people.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Patrick, yes you are correct the knowledge that I do not have to feel responsible for the actions of every gay man, has made me feel a lot more comfortable with myself. I am sure when gay people meet someone that is just coming out, they probably feel like they have already been there and don't want those memories brought back.

Wayne, thanks I am trying to be patient. I guess leaving everything for so long makes me want to rush.

Anonymous said...

People should read this.