Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Not good enough?

When I first began to think about coming out, I always wondered and worried about the straight people in my life. How they would react, would they accept me. Arrogantly I assumed the gay community would think itself lucky to have me, wrong of me to think like that but I never worried about how I would be accepted there. I had this vision of a gay group coming to my door, a welcoming committee with gay contracts to sign and instructions on how to be gay, maybe even a list of all the gay people in my city. I mean how lucky they would feel that I was one of them! However that certainly did not turn out to be the case.

I never once thought that I would... well actually not be good enough to be gay! Yep, it is true, according to what I am reading, I am just not good enough for most gay people to be their friend. I was shocked, is this not the same minority that cries about tolerance, understanding and being non judgemental. I had put my name out on some local sites to try and find some friends. When I look around I just don't meet most of the requirements to be a gay friend.

First my age is a factor, once you get past 29, I think you are suppose to turn straight because you seem to hold no value in the gay community any longer. This may surprise some people but it is not my fault, I did not do anything wrong to become older, I did not want to get older it just happened one night, plus one night, plus one night, plus one night etc. To the guys in your 30s, 40s and 50s who say no one over 25 well enjoy your miserable loneliness, you deserve it. Next, I need to work out, yes I should have taken better care of myself and just for simple health reasons I should get into a routine, however we can't all be male models. I am not clear though, if you let yourself look like Shrek, why do you demand everyone around you look like Prince charming! I'm not six feet, my eyes are not blue, I'm really white like I just saw a ghost and I will never tan, so these undesirable qualities make it impossible for other gay guys to go to a movie, have a cup of coffee or just hang out with me. I guess it would kill their cool factor. I am not super butch or super jock either, just a regular guy, I don't think there is a sub-group in the gay culture for that one.

My pen is not for you to touch, it does not matter how big my pen is as long as I know the material on the exam! Yep sorry folks I am talking about the pen-is, penis. OK so if you say on your profile that you are looking for friends only, then why does it matter how long I am (or not long), come on I'm only a size 9 shoe, give me a break I am an 8 like everyone else, what do you want me to do, fall over or faint from loss of blood! Then comes cut or uncut, well you see in the straight world we only shook hands when first meeting a person, are you going to examine me or something? I need that gay hand book, there must be something missing from what I know about making friends. A lot of sites ask me to say whether I am a top or bottom, well when I'm up the ladder I am on top and when I go down the ladder I am at the bottom, end of story.

I am not upset by all of this because I will let you in on a little secret, if you judge my character as a friend on my hair color, height or my penis, I am not interested in meeting you either. I like people to have different levels to them, I like to be surprised by them as I get to know them better. I think being that shallow lets me see through the one level you have. I decided to pull my name from these sites and searched for a different route. I have mentioned before finding clubs in this city for gay people not into the bar scene, I have been finding more groups along these lines and they seem more open and accepting of everyone. I will start to make contact with certain groups and we will see how that goes. I have a better feeling about people who are in a club to meet or help others than a club where their only concern is to get themselves off.


daveincleveland said...

i judge by their eyes, their smile, their heart, its whats inside, once that is estabilshed, nothing else matters........and wait till you get mid 50"s..i think the door is barred forever

David said...

I've put my info up there. I believe I am up to two winks and a friend request in the 2 years or so they've been up. It's just that no one pays any attention unless you put up a picture. They pretty much one to see your pen.

Daniel Thomasson said...

I really wish there was a manual that told people how to come out and be gay.

I know that I can't speak for the whole gay community, but it is a very shallow sub-set of our culture. Most of the body consciousness comes from AIDS and the 1980's where those who had it wanted to appear healthy so they spent their time in the gyms. I think as modern medicine has advanced, we have stayed in the same place and body image is a huge factor. However, it is not much different in the straight culture, you just see it less.

As far as using internet sites to make friends, it just doesn't work. No matter what type of content you put on the site, 99.9% of the people there are looking for a hook up and that is it. I wish that I could tell you an easier way to meet and make gay friends, but I can't. I'm still learning myself too. Just keep on trying.

I don't want to dash any hopes that you may have, but sometimes a voice of reality is needed. Keep you head up and keep trying. You will make friends and you will be a shining star in the gay community. You just have to continue to experiment with different ways of meeting people, i.e. bars, websites, organizations, charities, friends, and so on. Good luck and I wish you well.

Matt said...

You're right - the people who would judge you on all of those superficial characteristics (which is 90% of the people on the sites you've probably tried) aren't worth it.

DEFINITELY check out the different types of clubs you mentioned at the end of your post!!! As you've said, you're just looking for friends and an introduction to gay people and a circle of gay friends with similar interests. That's the best way.

And don't be hard on yourself. There are a lot of guys out there who would think you're a great guy/friend/more. Everyone who reads your blog knows that.

Bill said...

...or you could stay on those sites, update your profile, and just lie like everyone else.

K said...

I can totally relate to this post. I have always wondered why it seems that gay men are some of the most judgmental people on a whole.

Like you said, you would think that thru all of the shit we have to deal with that gay men would be less discriminatory but sadly that is not the case.

Of course this is a huge generalization....but it always makes me laugh (and by laugh I mean moan) when I am looking through a social networking site and some guy will say something in his profile like I don't care what you look like....just be a great person or something to that effect...yet all his friends look like Abercrombie models.

Not to say that pretty people cannot also be great people personality wise...obvs...but really you have to ask yourself how come you are only friends with seemingly the hottest guys.

I dunno....I just went off on a serious rant. LOL!

john said...

I hope that you find some better friends.
You are such a great person. Others will see you for who you are and they'll be drawn to that quality of you.

Anonymous said...

well, if it counts for anything, i think you're great just the way you are :) - and that's not me trying to get into your pants or anything. hehehe.

Steven said...

I think that last sentence says it all and it says a lot about you. Once people know that about you, you may be surprised by the positive feedback.

S said...

If this makes you feel any better, even pretty guys who are tall with big penises eventually grow fat with osteoporosis and erectile dysfunction issues.

Wayne said...

As you discovered, most gay sites are no more than meat markets.
But there are a lot of gays who really do want just friendship. We've met lot's on our gay camping trips. Couples and singles. Group social outings are a great way to meet people.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dave, I wish more guys thought the same way as you. My door is always open for you buddy.

David, I took my info down, I had a feeling it was like that. I never lend my pen out to anyone, they might try to chew the end.

Daniel, thanks again I always appreciate your honesty. You are right, I just need to look at different ways of meeting people.

Matt, aaawe you make me feel so shy! You're a great guy to Matt, thanks for being so supportive all the time. : )

Bill, maybe I was too honest and that scared people. Does that mean you fibbed on line also Bill?

K, hey that is alright, rant all you want here! I agree with you! I think your blog is going to be a blast when you get yourself a boyfriend, so hurry up! ; )

John, the same goes for you to, stop being so shy people will love you!

Pastor daze, I so wish that I had a cool Pastor like you when I was young to look up to!

Steven, thanks, I know I just need to go out and find the right people.

Steven, lol you crazy Canuck! Since I'm older than you and these things will happen to me first, then 'NO' they make me feel worse! Hahaha!

Wayne, I agree that is a better route to finding friends. Did you say camping, so are all those gay camping jokes true? ; )