If you were to ask my friends to describe me, they would tell you I am a very low key person. Actually quite shy with new people, which makes it hard for me to meet with people for the first time. Even some of you that I email back and forth with, if faced with actually meeting you, I would be in a little bit of panic mode. The spotlight is a place that holds no appeal, there lies the problem with coming out. I often wonder how far out will be out enough. How do I handle life as a gay person, who do I tell and who do I not tell. Part of me only wants my close friends to know, being a very private person, I feel only they have earned my trust and in doing so they have a right to know the true me. My close friends are the ones that may try to fix me up so to avoid any embarrassing situations I want them to know.
On the other side of the coin, I have grown tired of the game, the one where people ask me twenty questions and I try to make up as many answers without lying by using half truths or withholding personal information that would raise more questions. Why are you not married? Do you have a girl friend? Any kids? Why not? When was the last time you were on a date? What was the name of your Last girl friend? What type of woman is your type? Don't you want a family? Do you want to be old and alone? Do you know the older you get the harder it is to find someone? Want to meet my cousin? My friend cries all the time but is really nice, want to meet her? My cousin has a huge weight problem and a bad temper, at your age you can't be too picky Steven, want to meet her? Do you like being alone? Some days I just want to wear a shirt that says in big bright letters "I suck c***, now f*** off!" Well actually I don't but here is to hoping! So bad, sorry!
I am not sure how to go about it, should I say nothing but when someone asks about a wife and kids do I just drop it that I'm gay. What about work, part of me would not want my work place to know my personal business but then part of me thinks once I am in a new place, wait until I am firmly established and then let people know. For now while single I don't think it is a big deal but once in a relationship with a boyfriend, I would have the feeling of not being true to him if I were to hide our relationship. I always say also, don't want to end up being in a bad seventies sitcom where I am running around trying to hide things that make us look gay if someone calls and says they are coming over. I think of taking the stance of keeping it to myself, however if someone starts to push for information then they better be prepared for my answer. Sometimes maybe I over think situations, I am reminded of a woman who use to visit my past work place from a different site. She was lesbian, in a relationship and not a bit reserved in talking about it. She did not hold it out there like a red flag, just casually mentioned her girlfriend from time to time in conversations, exactly like a straight person would mention their wife. The people who were most bigoted towards gays and lesbians never said one word to her. Like most cowards they would back down from someone who would confront them. Preferring to wait until she was out of the room to begin slinging the arrows. It was easier for them when in a group and out of her ear shot. Sometimes I feel weak for not saying anything and other times I feel I did the right thing and need to pick my battles.
To the gay men or women out there living in a relationship or people who are out, I wonder to what level do you take being out. Is it good enough to just let friends know. Do you sort of just let new friends and neighbors figure it out for themselves. What is the balance between being true to yourself and being cautious. Like I always say, it is important for me to live as Steven and as a side note, I just happen to be gay. Maybe I can't do that, maybe I can't separate the two, Steven and gay Steven. Sometimes I wonder if saying I want my being gay as only a side note to who I am, is really another way of me still saying I can't accept being gay. Maybe trying to not draw attention to my homosexuality is just another way of hiding it. So confusing coming out is sometimes or actually most times, I want to be out but I don't want to find that I have put myself out on a ledge.